Doug (1991) s04e03 Episode Script

( yelps )
( barks )
( electric guitar playing )
( man singing scat )
( barks )
COOL! WHOA!
( thwack )
( barks )
( trumpet fanfare )
All:
I SOLEMNLY PROMISE TO RESPEC
ALL THE ANIMALS
IN THE FORES
BE THEY SMALL AND CUDDLY
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, EVERY WEEK WE
HAVE OUR BLUFF SCOUT MEETINGS
IN THE BLUFFINGTON
PUBLIC LIBRARY.
SHHH!
HUH?
SHH!
( whispering: )
AND ACT ACCORDING TO
THE BLUFF SCOUT CODE.
AND THIS WEEK'S OFFICIAL
BLUFF SCOUT MEETING TOPIC WAS:
PREPARING FOR SUMMER CAMP.
SHHH!
( quietly: )
AS YOU KNOW, OUR OLD CANOES
ARE GETTING A LITTLE WORN OUT.
BUT THIS YEAR
GET A LOAD OF THESE BABIES.
OH WOW, WOW!
5-9-2-7.
Librarian:
QUIET!
BUT WE DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH MONEY FOR THEM
BUT DON'T WORRY.
THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM, NO SIREE
BECAUSE THAT JUST MEANS
IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER--
YOU GUESSED IT-- BLUFF SCOU
DOOR-TO-DOOR FUNDRAISING DRIVE.
AW, MAN!
All:
SHHH!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
HOW WILL WE SELL
THAT MUCH?
ESPECIALLY WITH THE
STUFF THEY GIVE US.
REMEMBER LAST YEAR?
THOSE CRUMMY BOOSTER BARS?
YEAH, WOULDN'T IT BE COOL
IF IT WAS SOMETHING
PEOPLE WANT TO BUY?
TV host:
WELCOME TO ASTOUNDING PRODUCTS.
ARE YOU READY TO SEE TODAY'S
NEW ASTOUNDING PRODUCT?
All:
YES!
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR US TODAY,
DOUG?
WELL, SKEETER,
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU
THAT I HAD SOMETHING
TRULY ASTOUNDING?
A SIMPLE
POCKETKNIFE?
NOW, DOUG, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S SO ASTOUNDING ABOUT THAT.
WELL, NOW, SKEETER,
IT'S NOT JUST ANY
POCKETKNIFE.
WHY, IT'S A BLUFF SCOU
POCKETKNIFE-A-MA-JIG.
KNIFE-A-MA-JIG?
SOUNDS COMPLICATED, DOUG.
NO, SKEETER, IT'S A CINCH.
WITH A SIMPLE FLICK OF THE
WRIST, YOU'VE GOT A BLADE
A SCISSORS
A WATER-PURIFICATION SYSTEM
WOW!
AND A SATELLITE DISH.
A SOLAR-POWERED WASHER-DRYER
AND
A TOOTHPICK.
GIVE ME ONE,
I'LL TAKE ONE
OKAY, OKAY, HOLD ON.
THERE'S ENOUGH FOR EVERYBODY.
IT DIDN'T HAVE
TO BE THAT GREAT.
JUST AS LONG AS IT WASN'T
BLUFF SCOU
CHOCOLATE BOOSTER BARS.
THAT STUFF
IS A JOKE.
EVERYBODY HATES IT.
YEAH, LAST YEAR
I COULD ONLY SELL ONE BAR
AND THAT WAS TO MYSELF.
NOW, BOYS, THAT'S NO
THE BLUFF SCOUT SPIRIT.
THINK POSITIVE.
NOW, IN ORDER
FOR YOUR PATROL
TO EARN ITS CANOE
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS SELL ONE BOX EACH.
ONE BOX, THAT'S ONLY
25 BARS?
OOH, THAT'S
AN AWFUL LOT, SON.
DON'T WE STILL HAVE THE ONE
YOU BOUGHT LAST YEAR?
ASK YOUR
SISTER, DEAR.
UH-UH.
I AM NO
PARTICIPATING
IN YOUR CAPITALIS
MONEY-MAKING SCAM.
BUT JUDY, IT'S FOR CHARITY.
DOUGIE, BUYING YOU A CANOE
IS HARDLY WHA
I WOULD CALL A CHARITY.
BESIDES, THEY TASTE
LIKE CEMENT.
HUH?
WHY NOT TRY OUR
UNSUSPECTING NEIGHBORS?
( doorbell rings )
HELLO, I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
I'M SELLING CHOCOLATE
FOR MY BLUFF SCOUT PATROL.
WHAT?
HOG LAKE?
( shouts: )
CHOCOLATE!
SOCK-LATE?
CHOC-O-LATE!
OH, WHY DIDN'
YOU SAY SO?
OF COURSE
I'LL BUY SOME.
WAIT
ARE THOSE
BLUFF SCOUT BOOSTER BARS?
YES, MA'AM.
( shouts: )
YES, MA'AM.
YUCK! THEY TASTE LIKE CEMENT.
HELLO, I'M DOUG FUNNIE.
I'M SELLING CHOCOLATE
FOR MY BLUFF SCOUT PATROL.
BLUFF SCOUT BOOSTER BAR?
YES, SIR.
ALREADY GOT ONE.
YES, SIR--
BEST DOOR STOP
I EVER HAD, TOO.
HELLO, I'M DOUG FUNNIE
AND I'M
Man:
NO!
IT MAKES A GOOD DOOR STOP.
HELLO, I'M DOUG FUNNIE
HELLO, I'M
HELLO
HEL
I COULD JUST SEE WHA
THIS YEAR'S SUMMER CAMP
WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.
( kids laughing )
HEY, DOUG!
THANKS A LOT,
DOUG.
YEAH.
IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME WAY
TO SELL THIS STUFF.
WHAT?
HOW IS HE?
GOOD AFTERNOON, MA'AM--
CAN I CALL YOU MA'AM?
THAT'S A FINE DRESS.
IT PERFECTLY COMPLEMENTS
THE BEAUTIFUL PAINT JOB
ON YOUR HOUSE.
DO YOU LIKE CHOCOLATE?
SURE YOU DO.
THAT'S WHY I'M GOING
TO LET YOU IN ON
A SECRET CALLED
THE BLUFF SCOU
BOOSTER BAR.
I JUST TOLD
ANOTHER SCOUT NO.
THEY TASTE LIKE CEMENT.
YOU MUST BE
REFERRING TO
LAST YEAR'S MODEL.
IT'S A NEW, IMPROVED FORMULA.
TASTE A FREE SAMPLE.
IT'S FREE.
EW!
WHY, THAT'S DELICIOUS.
Roger:
THREE, FOUR,
FIVE BARS.
SORRY, LADY,
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
( chuckling )
( meows )
HEY, FUNNIE, MOVING
YOUR MERCHANDISE?
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
HOW DID YOU GET PEOPLE
TO BUY IT?
YOU JUST GOT TO GET CREATIVE.
IT'S ALL IN THE PRESENTATION.
GIVE THAT BACK!
WAIT A MINUTE
WHAT'S THIS?
THIS ISN'
BLUFF SCOUT CHOCOLATE.
IT'S FOREIGN STUFF.
YOU'RE CHEATING.
I'M JUST DOING
MY BLUFF SCOUT DUTY.
WE NEED THESE CANOES
FOR THE TROOP, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
TO GET THEM
WE NEED TO SELL
THIS JUNK, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
OR WE LET THE WHOLE
TROOP DOWN, RIGHT?
WELL
FUNNIE, I WAS
IN YOUR SHOES ONCE
STUCK WITH THIS LAME-O STUFF.
I WASN'T SELLING A BAR,
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
IT CAME TO ME LIKE A VISION.
THIS WASN'T JUST FOR ME.
I WAS SELLING THIS CHOCOLATE
FOR EVERY KID
WHO EVER HAS
OR EVER WILL PUT ON
A BLUFF SCOUT UNIFORM.
I WOULD BE CHEATING
NOT ONLY MYSELF
NOT ONLY THE BLUFF SCOUTS,
BUT HUMANITY ITSELF
IF I DIDN'T DO EVERYTHING
I COULD TO MOVE THIS CHOCOLATE!
YOU GOT TO DECIDE.
DO YOU WANT TO BE A ZERO
OR A HERO?
Mr. Dink:
MANY YEARS AGO,
WHEN OUR BLUFF SCOUT TROOP
WAS ONLY A RAGGED BAND
OF MISFITS
ONE BRAVE BOY
STOOD OUT.
THROUGH
HIS TIRELESS
CHOCOLATEERING
THIS BOY TRANSFORMED US
INTO THE WORLD-RENOWNED TROOP
WE ARE TODAY.
DOUGLAS FUNNIE, A TRUE HERO.
( scouts cheering )
WELL, PORKCHOP
( gulps )
HERE GOES NOTHING.
( Porkchop growls )
BUT IT IS FOR
THE GOOD OF THE TROOP.
WE DON'T HAVE
ANY CHOICE, RIGHT?
RIGHT?
( growling )
SO LONG, DEAR,
HAVE A SWIRLY DAY.
MR. SWIRLY!
HEY, SCOUT,
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
BLUFF SCOU
BOOSTER BARS.
DO YOU WAN
TO BUY ONE?
I GOT MORE CHOCOLATE
THAN I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.
IT'S FOR
A GOOD CAUSE.
WELL, I THINK MAYBE
I COULD GO FOR SOME.
IS IT TASTY?
WELL, UM YOU DECIDE.
HERE, HAVE A A FREE SAMPLE.
SAY, THAT IS GOOD!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
A GREAT SALESMAN.
NO HIGH PRESSURE, JUS
TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU BLUFF SCOUTS.
I'LL BUY THE WHOLE BOX.
ALL OF THEM?
( growling )
I'M SORRY, MR. SWIRLY, I CAN'T.
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT SAMPLE WAS FAKE.
HERE, THIS IS
THE REAL STUFF.
YUCK! THIS CHOCOLATE
TASTES LIKE CEMENT.
WHO MAKES THIS JUNK?
WHAT?
OH, MY GOODNESS!
I MAKE THIS JUNK.
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
COME ON!
I HAVE TO FIX THIS
RIGHT AWAY.
( music playing from
ice-cream truck )
( siren )
HELLO, THIS IS SWIRLY.
WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY.
OPEN THE FACTORY GATES.
I'M COMING IN.
THERE'S THE PROBLEM.
IT IS CEMENT.
I'LL HAVE THIS MESS
SORTED OUT AT ONCE.
( chuckling )
BLUFF SCOUT, YOU'VE
DONE A GREAT SERVICE.
YOU'RE A HERO.
AND SO MR. SWIRLY'S RECALLING
ALL THE CONCRETE BOOSTER BARS
AND GIVING US
NEW EDIBLE CHOCOLATE.
All:
YEAH!
SHHH!
I WANT TO RETURN THESE BARS
AND BUY NEW CHOCOLATE
FROM AN HONEST SCOUT.
( crowd rumbling )
SO ROGER HAD TO GIVE
ALL THE MONEY BACK
AND WE STARTED OUR FUNDRAISING
DRIVE ALL OVER AGAIN
AND THIS TIME, WE DIDN'
EVEN HAVE TO GO DOOR-TO-DOOR.
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, THERE'S NOTHING
LIKE SPENDING A WEEK
AT GRANDMA FUNNIE'S.
SHE REALLY KNOWS
HOW TO TREAT A GRANDSON.
Grandma:
FINISHED WITH
YOUR CAKE, DOUG?
ONE MORE SLICE TO GO
MMM GRANDMA.
I COULDN'T REMEMBER
WHETHER YOU LIKED
CHOCOLATE FUDGE
OR BUTTERSCOTCH
ON YOUR ICE CREAM
SO I BROUGHT BOTH.
HERE YOU GO,
SWEETIE.
AS SOON AS I GET THESE
STICKY BUNS OUT OF THE OVEN
WE'LL GO RENT SOME MORE MOVIES
AND ON
OUR WAY HOME
WE CAN PICK UP
A COUPLE OF PIZZAS.
I HOPE DOUGLAS
HAD A GOOD TIME.
I CAN'T WAI
TO SEE HIM.
DOUGLAS, YOU'RE HERE!
YOU'RE HOME!
YOU'RE HUGE!
( footsteps )
( hinge creaks )
( barks )
DOUG
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
( barks )
( yelps )
MAYBE JUDY'S RIGHT.
MAYBE I HAVE GOTTEN
( tear )
I CAN'T LET ANYONE
SEE ME LIKE THIS.
WHAT'S THAT?
RUN!
HIDE YOUR FOOD.
( screaming )
OH, NO, IT'S HIM!
HEY, GUYS, WHAT'S COOKING?
( doorbell rings )
NO, PORKCHOP
DON'T.
HEY, DOUG, WELCOME BACK.
HI, SKEET, WHAT'S UP?
WANTED TO SEE
IF YOU MADE IT BACK.
COOL DRESS.
IT'S NOT A DRESS.
I JUST DON'T
WELL, I DON'T FEEL WELL.
CALM DOWN.
HOW COME YOU'RE SO JITTERY?
CAN'T YOU TELL?
UH-UH.
WHEW, I THOUGHT MAYBE
I LOOKED A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
NO, YOU LOOK THE SAME--
ONLY FAT.
OH, HERE, IT'S
AN INVITATION
TO BEE BE'S POOL
PARTY NEXT WEEK.
POOL PARTY?
AS IN "SWIMMING POOL"?
WHAT'S THAT?
QUICK,
OUT OF THE POOL!
OH, NO, IT'S TOO LATE,
IT'S HERE!
( kids screaming )
Boy:
BIG FATTY!
YOU BIG, FAT LOSER, LOOK WHA
YOU'VE DONE TO BEE BE'S PARTY!
YOU'RE SURE THAT'S
ALL YOU WANT, DOUGLAS?
UH-HUH, I GOT TO LOSE
SOME WEIGHT BEFORE SATURDAY.
DIETING IS FINE, DOUG,
BUT DON'T GO OVERBOARD.
THERE'S NO SUBSTITUTE FOR
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED CALISTHENICS.
CALISTHENICS?
YOU COULD TRY JOGGING.
MMM ( gulps )
GO ON A FAST.
FASTING IS SO SPIRITUAL.
IT CLEANSES THE
BODY AND THE SOUL.
OR IF THA
DOESN'T WORK
WE COULD ALWAYS
SEND PORKY TO
THE FAT FARM.
CAN IT, JUDY!
LET'S TRY TO BE HELPFUL.
OKAY, LITTLE BROTHER,
TELL YOU WHAT.
COME TO MY ROOM AFTER DINNER
AND I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT TO DO.
NOW, CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND VISUALIZE
YOURSELF THIN.
SEE IT AND BE IT.
THINK THIN.
I'M THIN, I'M THIN
YOU'RE A TWIG.
NOW YOU'RE A PIPE CLEANER.
NOW YOU'RE
A PIECE OF STRING.
NOW GET UP!
NOW YOU'RE A FEATHER
WAFTING IN THE BREEZE.
WAFT,
DOUG, WAFT.
WAFT
WAFT
I'M WAFTING.
I'M A FEATHER.
I'LL BET YOU FEEL THINNER
ALREADY.
GEE, I DO.
THANKS, JUDY.
DON'T MENTION IT.
NOW GO OU
AND FACE THE WORLD AS A NEW MAN.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,
I'M STILL FAT.
OF COURSE YOU'RE STILL FAT,
DOUGIE.
THE POINT IS,
YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT.
I HAD TO THINK THIN A LOT
TO GET THROUGH
THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS.
I'M A TWIG, I'M STRING,
I'M A FEATHER
( whispering: )
I'M A TWIG, I'M STRING,
I'M A FEATHER.
SO MANY OF THE LARGER MAMMALS--
BEARS, ELEPHANTS, WHALES--
HAVE SEVERAL EXTRA LAYERS OF
FATTY TISSUE TO KEEP THEM WARM
IN THE WINTER.
BUT MRS. WINGO,
WHAT ABOUT THE SUMMERTIME?
DO THEY GET HOT?
WELL, NOW,
WHY DON'T WE ASK SOMEONE
WHO KNOWS A LO
ABOUT BLUBBER?
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
FATTY?
FATTY, FATTY, FATTY?
IT WAS AWFUL.
I KEPT DREAMING ABOUT SCHOOL
AND I WAS STILL ON VACATION.
THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING TO DO.
Host:
Welcome to
Body Shaped by Ronald
with your host, me, Ronald.
Prepare to suffer.
One, arms up
Two, legs out
Three, leg back
Four, toes in.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
Come on, Fatty,
your blubber disgusts me.
PORKCHOP!
HMM?
Now, pogo-aerobics.
Go, jump, higher, higher!
You are more blimp than man.
Jump!
WHOA
( groaning )
Announcer:
To continue this program
purchase tape number two.
Girl:
STRIPES, DOUG.
HUH?
VERTICAL STRIPES.
AND DARK COLORS.
THAT'LL HIDE IT EVEN BETTER.
HIDE WHAT?
MY FAT?
WE'RE NOT FAT, DOUG.
I'M BIG-BONED.
AND I'M STOUT.
THEN WHAT AM I?
Both:
HUSKY.
Welcome back, you pig.
Keep going.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.
Ah, does not this feel good?
OH, HI, DOUG.
HOW'S THE DIET GOING?
OH, DONUTS.
IS THAT A BEAR CLAW?
YEAH, CREAM-FILLED.
ARE YOU GOING TO EA
THAT WHOLE BAG?
GOT TO, MAN.
IT'S FOR MY DIET.
I'M WAY TOO SKINNY
FOR A POOL PARTY.
SEE YOU POOLSIDE
TOMORROW, MAN.
ONE MORE DAY
ONLY ONE MORE DAY.
Ronald:
998, 999
1,000.
You have done it,
I love you.
Now you are ready
for tape number 3.
ALL RIGHT!
PORKCHOP, I'M BACK
TO MY NORMAL WEIGHT.
THEN WHY DO I
STILL LOOK LIKE THIS?
Mr. Funnie:
BETTER GET A
MOVE-ON, DOUG.
YOU'LL BE LATE.
I'M NOT GOING.
YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS.
AND YOU'VE LOS
ALL THAT WEIGHT.
NO, I HAVEN'T.
LOOK AT THIS.
FACE IT, YOU'VE ALWAYS
HAD THAT LITTLE TUMMY.
JUDY!
YOU LOOK
JUST FINE, DEAR.
NO ONE WILL GIVE I
A SECOND THOUGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT TO GO OVERBOARD
ON THIS DIET THING.
AND ALL YOUR FRIENDS
ARE WAITING FOR YOU.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
"BEE BE, I'D LIKE
TO TAKE OFF MY SHIR
BUT I MIGHT GET SUNBURN"?
"I ATE JUST A FEW MINUTES AGO
SO I BETTER NOT SWIM"?
NAH.
I GOT IT, PORKCHOP!
I'LL SAY I FORGOT MY SWIMSUIT.
Mr. Funnie:
ALL ASHORE!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
HIYA, DOUG.
I WAS AFRAID YOU
WEREN'T GOING TO SHOW.
SKEET, HOW COME
NOBODY'S IN THE POOL?
WE ALL FORGOT OUR SUITS.
DOESN'T ANYBODY WANT TO GO IN?
I BURN EASILY.
I JUST ATE.
IT'S TOO HOT TO SWIM.
IT'S NICE TO JUST LOOK
AT THE WATER.
YOU WANT TO SWIM,
DON'T YOU?
YEAH, I'M DYING TO, BU
I'M STILL TOO SKINNY.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
EVERYBODY WAS
AS MISERABLE AS I WAS
ABOUT BEING SEEN
IN THEIR BATHING SUIT.
I WOULD GO IN,
BUT THEY'LL LAUGH
AT MY BONY SHOULDERS.
EVEN PATTI.
I SUPPOSE YOU FORGOT YOUR
BATHING SUIT, TOO, DOUG?
I UH
UH
THIS WAS STUPID.
IT WAS WAY TOO HO
TO BE EMBARRASSED.
HEY, LOOK AT ME, EVERYBODY!
I'M RONALD WEISENHEIMER.
PREPARE TO SUFFER.
( screaming )
I'M RONALD WEISENHEIMER, JUNIOR.
( yelling )
AND I'M RHONDA WEISENHEIMER.
( laughing )
ME, TOO.
( kids laughing )
( barking )
( laughing )
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
( yelling )
SO WE ALL GOT OVER
THE EMBARRASSMENT
OF BEING SEEN
IN OUR BATHING SUITS
AND THE PARTY
TURNED OUT GREAT.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE
TO GET OVER IT AND JUMP IN.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING--
IT'S A WHOLE LOT COOLER.