Duck Dynasty (2012) s04e03 Episode Script
Hot Tub Grime Machine
1 Martin: Okay, all right.
Everybody calm down.
Si: Watch your step, boys.
Hey, watch your step.
- Martin: We'll be the speed of this.
- Okay.
One of the many perks of being in the Robertson clan - Jase: Si, are you pushing? - No, I ain't pushing.
Martin: Quit pushing! is that if you need help, all you gotta do is ask for it.
- Willie: Si, get your butt up here and help.
- Hey.
Today, I got all the boys helping me install my new dock.
This'll last about a month.
It's a great system.
( groans ) This sucks.
But like any other system, there can be people who abuse it.
Willie, you gonna sit there and fart around, or are you gonna go ahead and put a screw in it? Jase: I thought you were helping us carry this.
I am helping.
Hey, put a screw in the thing.
Lift with your neck.
Don't get caddywhompus.
Who you calling idiot? Y'all have never built nothing.
- That's what women talk about.
- Si, we got this.
Look, you boys need supervision.
Si, let me tell you what you don't have-- is super vision.
- ( all laughing ) - Hey.
Jase: Tell ya how much money I got in this? He hasn't got my labor bill yet.
I thought y'all were helping a friend out.
What happened to that? Hey, this is the buddy-- the family system, okay? We help each other out.
Hey, look.
What's the point of having family and friends if you can't ask them for help every once in a while? Y'all wearing me out with asking for help.
Hey, once I asked this family to help me clean a deer that I'd shot in their backyard You always asking favors, but you never help out with any favors.
hey, they ask me, "Who are you?" I said, "Hey, I'm Uncle Si.
You gonna help me or not?" Well, hey, no.
They didn't help me.
Some family they are.
I ain't never asked for no favors.
Yes, you have.
I've absolutely never asked for a favor.
Who helps you do all your projects? I just never needed any help.
I just do it.
Jase: I will honestly say we owe you one.
Everybody needs help at least once in their life.
- Martin: Especially you.
- Si needs help once a day.
What you talking about? Y'all ain't got it straight.
Let me get out there and look at that thing.
It don't have to be straight, Si.
I'm gonna fish off of it.
- I'll test this thing for you.
- Jase: Uh-oh.
( laughing ) They gone.
Willie: So much for supervision.
( theme music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S04E03 Hot Tub Grime Machine == - Si: Hey, y'all wanna hear another football story? - Jase: No.
Let me tell you about my best game.
- Si-- - Best game ever.
( exhales sharply ) Watching my Uncle Si tell a story about football That was my sport.
it's a lot like watching the Super Bowl on TV.
The game itself is only a small part of it.
This is not gonna start on a football field.
What? It always starts with some pregame hype This team was nine and zero.
Hey, this dude weighs 197 and looks like King Kong.
then you hear a little bit about team strategy The coach says, "Okay, somebody has got to knock this big guy off his feet.
" So I finally said, "Hey, I'll get him, Coach.
" ( all laughing ) 135-pound "Killer Cat" Robertson.
- But, look, that ain't the good part.
- Si, get to the point.
And then, you know, two hours later, the game starts.
They get the ball, five plays later-- zoom, end zone.
Okay, seven-zero.
We scored 10 times in a row.
- What? - The score is 70 to 14.
( laughing ) Then, of course, you have halftime.
( slurps ) Then you got your commercial break.
Epsom salt will get rid of the pain.
If you got a backache, Vicks VapoRub.
Bengay.
Isn't it Bengay? Is that the name of it? It's like a magic formula, I'm telling you.
Then, before you know it, the game's back on.
The little guy catches it and gets killed.
- Huh? - Whoa, boom, oof! Oh! Boo-ya! Game over.
77 to 14.
- Si, have you done anything today? - No.
Bam.
Boomtown! Willie: Gentlemen, look.
Coasters.
You got one with me on it, Will? ( laughing ) In a big family, every sibling has their place.
I'm the Boss Hog, Jase attempts to run the duck call room, and Jep is Kay's favorite.
Who wants to put their drink on a Jep coaster? Man, I got no bobblehead, no coaster.
I think we can make some Jep toilet paper.
- Oh.
- That'd be cool.
Yeah.
And I always go the extra mile to make sure Jep never starts to feel more important than he is.
Seriously, I don't see what Kay sees in that guy.
All right, y'all said y'all would help me, so I need y'all to help me.
You wanna cash in your points right now? I wanna cash 'em in.
Y'all are gonna have to help me.
I'm gonna get me a hot tub.
- What? - A hot tub.
A what? A hog? A hot tub.
Oh, a hot tub.
A hot tub? A hot tub.
( enunciating ) A hot tub.
I want a hot tub.
No self-respecting man would have a hot tub.
I would.
That's my point.
They're awesome.
It's a big bathtub with friends.
- What? - Godwin: Wouldn't that be cool? You just wanna go get a hot tub? That's the favor? The man wants a hot tub, he should get a hot tub.
- I'll get my laptop.
We'll find one.
- Please don't.
- Willie: Hot tub party! - I'm getting a hot tub! Hot tub party.
Everybody's invited.
Clothing optional.
I'm joking.
Kay: What are you looking for? Phil: I'm hunting an extension cord, Miss Kay.
Well, I'm looking for that smell.
That's what I'm looking for.
- For what? - For that smell.
It's fixin' to make me throw up.
You betcha.
Bingo, I have found it.
It's right where I left it.
Oh, yeah.
There they come right there.
Hey, boy, y'all really look like a bunch of rednecks.
- ( Kay laughs ) - Hey, Papaw Phil.
These days, it's hard to get your grandchildren to come help you do anything.
I got a little lesson for them here today.
You have to come up with some kind of excuse to get 'em on the premises.
Y'all got my tarp? - We got it.
- Lil' Will: Got it.
Things like, "Hey, bring that tarp up here.
I need a tarp.
" Okay.
Good work.
Presto.
You look up, you got a labor force.
Phil: I've got an adventure for y'all.
Y'all gonna be jumping up and down about this one.
Yeah, I can tell you's excited.
( vocalizes ) Old Papaw slicked 'em again.
- Grab that tarp.
- Yes, sir.
So, what are we doing? It's an adventure, Willie's child.
John, there's some cool ones, about six grand.
What's your budget? - Not many.
- Not many? - Hmm, that's weird.
- ( chuckles ) - I don't reference money by many, but-- - What? All I can spend's 200 bucks.
$200? $200.
So, you want a used one? With speakers.
I just wanna say something for the record.
- I am in protest of this.
- All right, noted.
When it comes to germs, Jase is a walking contradiction.
This whole thing is a bad idea.
He has no problem crawling through swamps and other disgusting, stagnant bodies of water A used hot tub? but just the mention of a man-made place with clean, animal-free water is enough to send him on a rant for a week.
You gonna get the measles from it, blisters, skin rashes, or hepatitis.
Si: Overcome by bacteria.
( all laugh ) Ha.
He calls himself a purist.
Everyone else just calls him a germaphobe.
I want a hot tub.
You ain't talking me out of it.
The man wants a hot tub.
Si: Hey, and I know where he can find one.
At Squirrel's.
That's actually not a bad idea 'cause all he has is crap, so - we're gonna get a hot tub - With speakers.
I'm not sure if you can afford the speakers, too, but we're gonna try.
You may just have to park your truck by it.
This is the biggest mistake of your life, Godwin.
But I'll help you.
- Come on, drama queen.
- Si: All right, let's go to Squirrel's.
Hey, I'm liable to find me something I wanna buy down there at Squirrel's.
Godwin: I just want a hot tub with speakers.
- Jase: Or hepatitis.
- Willie: Jase! Godwin: I want a hot tub.
Jase: A buddy of mine got his hair clogged in the drain.
- I ain't got no hair.
- You got any back hair? ( imitates sucking ) I'll stay away from the drain.
( imitates Hannibal Lecter ) Hello, Clarice.
I mean Jase.
Is anybody back there? - Si! - Come on back! Cut it to your left! Si, can you even see the trailer hitch? It's under your truck! Look, back in 'Nam, I was an air traffic controller.
- Hey, look.
- Help me out here.
Si: People don't understand, you can say anything with hand signals.
This means come straight back! Si, I can't see you! Hey, this and that.
I can say, "Clear for takeoff.
" "Ready for landing.
" - Si, what does that mean? - Left! "Would you like to dance?" Hyah, hyah.
Hey! "Did you just see that?" - Si? - Huh? Stand up! "May I use your glasses?" "I think I'm about to sneeze.
" Woo-woo-woo.
"What time is it?" Good grief! What are you doing? "Get it straight.
" Come on back.
All right, that's good.
Si, if I mess my truck up, you're paying for it.
Hey, not a chance.
I ain't paying for nothing.
- Si.
- What? That's horrible directions.
Hey, you wasn't obeying my air traf-- directions.
- Thank you, Si.
- You're welcome.
- What are y'all doing? - I'm trying to talk him out of doing this so we don't waste the whole day.
You ain't talking me out of it.
- Well, let's go.
- Martin: Let's get out of here.
- Si, hook the trailer up.
- All right.
Can you do that? Can you do one thing? Si: Yeah, I got that.
- I got it.
- Here we go.
Si: All right, you boys ready to go? - Jep: We're ready.
- All right, let's go get a hot tub.
- Godwin: With speakers.
- We're gonna get it-- Si, the trailer's not hooked up.
( Si laughs ) Phil: All right, you kids are fresh out of the subdivision.
- Bella: Yes, sir.
- Lil' Will: Yes, sir.
What have you noticed so far just looking around? What have you noticed? Green.
Trees.
Sky.
My grandkids are suffering from a personality crisis.
- Trees.
- Lil' Will: Clouds.
- Trees.
- Green.
That means they don't have one.
What are you seeing, John Luke? John Luke, trees? Trees.
Boy, what a great answer there.
Based on their vacant stares they may be beyond repair.
But let's give her a try.
Food.
What if everything goes south? There are no chicken nuggets, no big, tall Coca-Colas and fries.
What then? We would survive like "The Walking Dead.
" What? Now, look.
You see that? This is a mayhaw.
It's like a little apple.
- Everything goes south-- - Like in "The Walking Dead"? - you'll be eating good.
- Like in "The Walking Dead.
" John Luke.
Whatever that is, one thing for sure, we'll have plenty of mayhaw jelly.
Jelly for everybody.
You fired up about it there, loud boots? You gonna grab those trees with both hands and you're gonna shake 'em.
You get on that tree, you get on this one.
When I tell ya, start shaking.
You ready? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Start shaking.
Hard.
- Miss Kay: Oh, man! - Phil: Not bad! Miss Kay: Bo-Bo, Look.
Looking good, looking good.
Shake hard.
It's a mayhaw picking.
You're going back to your roots.
Squirrel: Well, check it out.
Jase: It doesn't have any speakers.
( laughs ) Jase: The boards are rotten.
It stinks.
I'm pretty sure it's disease-infested.
Squirrel used this thing.
- No offense, Squirrel.
- That's cool.
This is a human cesspool.
You don't like it.
No, I don't like it.
I got to have it.
Willie: All right, we'll take it.
- You got a deal.
- All right.
Deal done.
Pay on your waout.
- All right.
- Let's take it home.
- Willie: All right.
- Si: Let's go.
Squirrel: I'll go get the forklift.
I'll just puit on your bill.
( laughs ) Lil' Will: So, what do we do next? We're gonna wait approximately 10 minutes with a low fire under that.
10 minutes? You've got to wait, wait, wait.
Good things come to those who are Waiting? Patient.
You know how bored they get in 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's why it's a good lesson to learn.
Good things come - to those who wait.
- Patience.
It's hard for kids these days to learn patience.
- Two things reque patience.
- ( Bo-Bo yelps ) - ( laughing ) Bo-Bo! - People-- - Bo-Bo, come on! - ( Bo-Bo barks ) - People-- - Bo-Bo! They can hardly sit still, let alone wait for jelly to cook.
People and mayhaw jelly.
- You got it? - Yes, sir.
- Wait in line, wait-- - Bo! They just need more time with me and Phil.
- Therefore-- - J.
J.
! ( clicks tongue ) - You have to wait on people.
- They'll learn.
- Miss Kay: Bo-Bo! - Phil: Patience, see what I'm saying? Willie: Godwin, where do you want it? Put it right there.
In your front yard? Nobody puts their hot tub in the front yard.
I meant where do you want it in the backyard? Perfect right there.
That's the same place.
You just moved it down the hill 20 feet.
I want it in the front yard.
Si: Hey, look, Godwin.
You need to think about your neighbors, okay? What's the deal? Why do you want it up here? They wake up, they have a light breakfast, they come out their door I like to watch the cars go by.
- What, are you a dog? - ( barks ) Si: and then the first thing that greets them in the morning, a nude and rude man in a hot tub.
You sure you don't want it in the back? - No.
- Hey, it's disgusting.
I think I'm about to-- ( retches ) barf.
I want it in the front yard.
- Fine, I don't care.
- Who cares? - All right, let's drop it off.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Martin: Get on the smart end.
I got the dumb end, Godwin.
Here's a riddle-- how many Duck Commander employees does it take to unload one worthless hot tub? - Willie: Push it up.
- Jase: Now up.
- Martin: Now up? - No, not that way.
You need one with Trump-like vision and leadership.
We're gonna do the up, back, and slide method.
Three more to grunt and revisit high school football injuries.
- Jase: Don't hit me on the head.
- Godwin: Oh, good Lord.
Whoa, hey, hey, whoa! And one to be a lazy bum.
( taps conga rhythm ) I found a ladybug.
Or two lazy bums.
Hot tub, hot tub.
I guess the real question is, why does Duck Commander have so many numbskull employees? - Godwin: Don't scar it up! - Willie: Watch out, son.
This thing's heavy.
( overlapping chatter ) There went the side.
( yelling ) - Whoo! - Si: Good job! Push that crap over.
Timber! - Perfect.
- Installed, boys.
You're now the proud owner of a disgusting hot tub.
This board's broke.
That's just cosmetics, Godwin.
You better hurry up if you gonna get that thing ready - by the time your woman gets home.
- That's right.
I'll get the wood glue.
- ( hissing ) - ( boiling ) We're almost ready for the first batch of jelly.
I'm pretty excited about it.
You pretty excited about it, son? Yes, sir.
I'm starving.
Okay.
Food is one of the best teaching tools that there is.
That's especially true when you're dealing with teenage boys.
- That is good.
- I wanna try some.
The hungrier they are, the better they listen to you.
- What about it? - It's good.
What about you, big boots? Mm, yeah.
That's good.
Plus, it builds a lot of character.
Mm, tasty.
I wanna try some.
Oh, yeah.
We got something going there.
( all moan ) Lord knows the boy needs a lot of that.
John Luke, look alive, son.
That is good.
The woods provide.
Never doubt it.
- Look, that's just one-- - That's really good, actually.
- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
Phil: The lesson you've learned today is what? John Luke: Waiting? Patience.
Jep: Goin' in.
All right, here we go, Godwin.
Making memories for ya.
Oh, this is priceless.
( grunts ) ( laughs ) What's wrong, old buddy? This is cold.
( all laughing ) Oh, there we go.
Now Now there's my pic-- hey, hey, hey! - Godwin, how's it going in there? - Oh, it's nice.
It shined up pretty good.
Look.
- Where's the bubbles? - Turn it on.
Martin: Fire it up, Will.
I'm turning it on now.
- Martin: Fire in the hole.
- ( beeps, gurgles ) ( beeping ) Is this what you press? ( beeping continues ) Fire on the grill, Jack! ( beeping continues ) ( engine whirrs ) - Uh-oh.
- ( laughs ) Ah, yeah! In all the years I've known Godwin, I've never seen him this happy.
- Hey, get up in here.
- No.
- Get in here.
- No.
- Get in this! - Are you crazy? - Y'all don't wanna get in here? - Godwin, stop it.
He's happier than a pig in mud John, you've got crap all over your chest.
It could be a squirrel turd.
Oh, this is great.
which is actually a fitting comparison when you consider how disgusting that water probably is.
Y'all don't know what you're missing.
It's kinda loud, isn't it? What? Y'all gonna want some of this.
Come on.
No.
No, I really don't want any of that.
Whoo.
( rattle, engine dies ) ( scoffs ) ( beeping ) What happened to my bubbles? Si: It bubbled out.
Well, John, for one second-- - ( bubble gurgles ) - Ooh, chili dog.
- ( groans ) - Martin: That hurt him there.
Ew, and I had my hands in that water.
That was chili dog, what was there.
I'm outta here, boys.
Oh, come on.
- All right, Godwin.
- Good grief.
Good job.
You need to be at work in the morning.
I appreciate y'all.
- Martin: Have fun, sir.
- Jase: Stay away from that drain! ( engine whirring ) Hey, it's working again.
Y'all come back.
I got my hot tub, I got my hot tub And you don't.
Phil: Father, thank You for the fried chicken, the mayhaw jelly that You raise out in the wild.
You have blessed us mightily.
We're thankful, Father, for Jesus, so it's through Him I ask this prayer.
- Amen.
- ( all ) Amen.
Willie: Sometimes doing a favor for a friend can be quick and easy.
Other times, it means you'll be spending all day at a stinkin' junkyard.
The point is, you can't pick and choose how you help somebody.
You just help 'em 'cause they've been there to help you, and in the end, if you can put a smile on a buddy's face, it's worth all the trouble.
Plus, it means I'm off the hook for favors for a while.
Phil: Godwin, you're glowing.
Si: If you like her You need to put a ring on her.
( all laughing ) Martin: Okay, all right.
Everybody calm down.
Si: Watch your step, boys.
Hey, watch your step.
- Martin: We'll be the speed of this.
- Okay.
One of the many perks of being in the Robertson clan - Jase: Si, are you pushing? - No, I ain't pushing.
Martin: Quit pushing! is that if you need help, all you gotta do is ask for it.
- Willie: Si, get your butt up here and help.
- Hey.
Today, I got all the boys helping me install my new dock.
This'll last about a month.
It's a great system.
( groans ) This sucks.
But like any other system, there can be people who abuse it.
Willie, you gonna sit there and fart around, or are you gonna go ahead and put a screw in it? Jase: I thought you were helping us carry this.
I am helping.
Hey, put a screw in the thing.
Lift with your neck.
Don't get caddywhompus.
Who you calling idiot? Y'all have never built nothing.
- That's what women talk about.
- Si, we got this.
Look, you boys need supervision.
Si, let me tell you what you don't have-- is super vision.
- ( all laughing ) - Hey.
Jase: Tell ya how much money I got in this? He hasn't got my labor bill yet.
I thought y'all were helping a friend out.
What happened to that? Hey, this is the buddy-- the family system, okay? We help each other out.
Hey, look.
What's the point of having family and friends if you can't ask them for help every once in a while? Y'all wearing me out with asking for help.
Hey, once I asked this family to help me clean a deer that I'd shot in their backyard You always asking favors, but you never help out with any favors.
hey, they ask me, "Who are you?" I said, "Hey, I'm Uncle Si.
You gonna help me or not?" Well, hey, no.
They didn't help me.
Some family they are.
I ain't never asked for no favors.
Yes, you have.
I've absolutely never asked for a favor.
Who helps you do all your projects? I just never needed any help.
I just do it.
Jase: I will honestly say we owe you one.
Everybody needs help at least once in their life.
- Martin: Especially you.
- Si needs help once a day.
What you talking about? Y'all ain't got it straight.
Let me get out there and look at that thing.
It don't have to be straight, Si.
I'm gonna fish off of it.
- I'll test this thing for you.
- Jase: Uh-oh.
( laughing ) They gone.
Willie: So much for supervision.
( theme music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
- Si: Hey, y'all wanna hear another football story? - Jase: No.
Let me tell you about my best game.
- Si-- - Best game ever.
( exhales sharply ) Watching my Uncle Si tell a story about football That was my sport.
it's a lot like watching the Super Bowl on TV.
The game itself is only a small part of it.
This is not gonna start on a football field.
What? It always starts with some pregame hype This team was nine and zero.
Hey, this dude weighs 197 and looks like King Kong.
then you hear a little bit about team strategy The coach says, "Okay, somebody has got to knock this big guy off his feet.
" So I finally said, "Hey, I'll get him, Coach.
" ( all laughing ) 135-pound "Killer Cat" Robertson.
- But, look, that ain't the good part.
- Si, get to the point.
And then, you know, two hours later, the game starts.
They get the ball, five plays later-- zoom, end zone.
Okay, seven-zero.
We scored 10 times in a row.
- What? - The score is 70 to 14.
( laughing ) Then, of course, you have halftime.
( slurps ) Then you got your commercial break.
Epsom salt will get rid of the pain.
If you got a backache, Vicks VapoRub.
Bengay.
Isn't it Bengay? Is that the name of it? It's like a magic formula, I'm telling you.
Then, before you know it, the game's back on.
The little guy catches it and gets killed.
- Huh? - Whoa, boom, oof! Oh! Boo-ya! Game over.
77 to 14.
- Si, have you done anything today? - No.
Bam.
Boomtown! Willie: Gentlemen, look.
Coasters.
You got one with me on it, Will? ( laughing ) In a big family, every sibling has their place.
I'm the Boss Hog, Jase attempts to run the duck call room, and Jep is Kay's favorite.
Who wants to put their drink on a Jep coaster? Man, I got no bobblehead, no coaster.
I think we can make some Jep toilet paper.
- Oh.
- That'd be cool.
Yeah.
And I always go the extra mile to make sure Jep never starts to feel more important than he is.
Seriously, I don't see what Kay sees in that guy.
All right, y'all said y'all would help me, so I need y'all to help me.
You wanna cash in your points right now? I wanna cash 'em in.
Y'all are gonna have to help me.
I'm gonna get me a hot tub.
- What? - A hot tub.
A what? A hog? A hot tub.
Oh, a hot tub.
A hot tub? A hot tub.
( enunciating ) A hot tub.
I want a hot tub.
No self-respecting man would have a hot tub.
I would.
That's my point.
They're awesome.
It's a big bathtub with friends.
- What? - Godwin: Wouldn't that be cool? You just wanna go get a hot tub? That's the favor? The man wants a hot tub, he should get a hot tub.
- I'll get my laptop.
We'll find one.
- Please don't.
- Willie: Hot tub party! - I'm getting a hot tub! Hot tub party.
Everybody's invited.
Clothing optional.
I'm joking.
Kay: What are you looking for? Phil: I'm hunting an extension cord, Miss Kay.
Well, I'm looking for that smell.
That's what I'm looking for.
- For what? - For that smell.
It's fixin' to make me throw up.
You betcha.
Bingo, I have found it.
It's right where I left it.
Oh, yeah.
There they come right there.
Hey, boy, y'all really look like a bunch of rednecks.
- ( Kay laughs ) - Hey, Papaw Phil.
These days, it's hard to get your grandchildren to come help you do anything.
I got a little lesson for them here today.
You have to come up with some kind of excuse to get 'em on the premises.
Y'all got my tarp? - We got it.
- Lil' Will: Got it.
Things like, "Hey, bring that tarp up here.
I need a tarp.
" Okay.
Good work.
Presto.
You look up, you got a labor force.
Phil: I've got an adventure for y'all.
Y'all gonna be jumping up and down about this one.
Yeah, I can tell you's excited.
( vocalizes ) Old Papaw slicked 'em again.
- Grab that tarp.
- Yes, sir.
So, what are we doing? It's an adventure, Willie's child.
John, there's some cool ones, about six grand.
What's your budget? - Not many.
- Not many? - Hmm, that's weird.
- ( chuckles ) - I don't reference money by many, but-- - What? All I can spend's 200 bucks.
$200? $200.
So, you want a used one? With speakers.
I just wanna say something for the record.
- I am in protest of this.
- All right, noted.
When it comes to germs, Jase is a walking contradiction.
This whole thing is a bad idea.
He has no problem crawling through swamps and other disgusting, stagnant bodies of water A used hot tub? but just the mention of a man-made place with clean, animal-free water is enough to send him on a rant for a week.
You gonna get the measles from it, blisters, skin rashes, or hepatitis.
Si: Overcome by bacteria.
( all laugh ) Ha.
He calls himself a purist.
Everyone else just calls him a germaphobe.
I want a hot tub.
You ain't talking me out of it.
The man wants a hot tub.
Si: Hey, and I know where he can find one.
At Squirrel's.
That's actually not a bad idea 'cause all he has is crap, so - we're gonna get a hot tub - With speakers.
I'm not sure if you can afford the speakers, too, but we're gonna try.
You may just have to park your truck by it.
This is the biggest mistake of your life, Godwin.
But I'll help you.
- Come on, drama queen.
- Si: All right, let's go to Squirrel's.
Hey, I'm liable to find me something I wanna buy down there at Squirrel's.
Godwin: I just want a hot tub with speakers.
- Jase: Or hepatitis.
- Willie: Jase! Pretty snazzy phone you got there.
Oh yeah, it's the new GS4.
I had this one about four years now.
Wow! Yeah.
That is vintage.
3 button doesn't work but other than that, she's a trooper.
I like to keep it simple.
Well if you want it simple, this has an easy mode.
It puts uh, only the things you use on your home screen.
Makes your contacts easy to get to.
I like it.
I got a birthday coming up, you know? Yeah I'll get right on that.
Make things simple with Easy Mode.
Only on the Galaxy S4.
Feels like home! Your Duck Dynasty Headquarters.
Walmart 'Quack, quack' duck call RICH, CHEWY CARAMEL ROLLED UP IN SMOOTH MILK CHOCOLATE.
THIS ONE'S GOING INTO OVERTIME.
ROLO.
GET YOUR SMOOTH ON.
Godwin: I want a hot tub.
Jase: A buddy of mine got his hair clogged in the drain.
- I ain't got no hair.
- You got any back hair? ( imitates sucking ) I'll stay away from the drain.
( imitates Hannibal Lecter ) Hello, Clarice.
I mean Jase.
Is anybody back there? - Si! - Come on back! Cut it to your left! Si, can you even see the trailer hitch? It's under your truck! Look, back in 'Nam, I was an air traffic controller.
- Hey, look.
- Help me out here.
Si: People don't understand, you can say anything with hand signals.
This means come straight back! Si, I can't see you! Hey, this and that.
I can say, "Clear for takeoff.
" "Ready for landing.
" - Si, what does that mean? - Left! "Would you like to dance?" Hyah, hyah.
Hey! "Did you just see that?" - Si? - Huh? Stand up! "May I use your glasses?" "I think I'm about to sneeze.
" Woo-woo-woo.
"What time is it?" Good grief! What are you doing? "Get it straight.
" Come on back.
All right, that's good.
Si, if I mess my truck up, you're paying for it.
Hey, not a chance.
I ain't paying for nothing.
- Si.
- What? That's horrible directions.
Hey, you wasn't obeying my air traf-- directions.
- Thank you, Si.
- You're welcome.
- What are y'all doing? - I'm trying to talk him out of doing this so we don't waste the whole day.
You ain't talking me out of it.
- Well, let's go.
- Martin: Let's get out of here.
- Si, hook the trailer up.
- All right.
Can you do that? Can you do one thing? Si: Yeah, I got that.
- I got it.
- Here we go.
Si: All right, you boys ready to go? - Jep: We're ready.
- All right, let's go get a hot tub.
- Godwin: With speakers.
- We're gonna get it-- Si, the trailer's not hooked up.
( Si laughs ) Phil: All right, you kids are fresh out of the subdivision.
- Bella: Yes, sir.
- Lil' Will: Yes, sir.
What have you noticed so far just looking around? What have you noticed? Green.
Trees.
Sky.
My grandkids are suffering from a personality crisis.
- Trees.
- Lil' Will: Clouds.
- Trees.
- Green.
That means they don't have one.
What are you seeing, John Luke? John Luke, trees? Trees.
Boy, what a great answer there.
Based on their vacant stares they may be beyond repair.
But let's give her a try.
Food.
What if everything goes south? There are no chicken nuggets, no big, tall Coca-Colas and fries.
What then? We would survive like "The Walking Dead.
" What? Now, look.
You see that? This is a mayhaw.
It's like a little apple.
- Everything goes south-- - Like in "The Walking Dead"? - you'll be eating good.
- Like in "The Walking Dead.
" John Luke.
Whatever that is, one thing for sure, we'll have plenty of mayhaw jelly.
Jelly for everybody.
You fired up about it there, loud boots? You gonna grab those trees with both hands and you're gonna shake 'em.
You get on that tree, you get on this one.
When I tell ya, start shaking.
You ready? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Start shaking.
Hard.
- Miss Kay: Oh, man! - Phil: Not bad! Miss Kay: Bo-Bo, Look.
Looking good, looking good.
Shake hard.
It's a mayhaw picking.
You're going back to your roots.
Squirrel: Well, check it out.
Jase: It doesn't have any speakers.
( laughs ) Jase: The boards are rotten.
It stinks.
I'm pretty sure it's disease-infested.
Squirrel used this thing.
- No offense, Squirrel.
- That's cool.
This is a human cesspool.
You don't like it.
No, I don't like it.
I got to have it.
Willie: All right, we'll take it.
- You got a deal.
- All right.
Deal done.
Pay on your waout.
- All right.
- Let's take it home.
- Willie: All right.
- Si: Let's go.
Squirrel: I'll go get the forklift.
I'll just puit on your bill.
( laughs ) Lil' Will: So, what do we do next? We're gonna wait approximately 10 minutes with a low fire under that.
10 minutes? You've got to wait, wait, wait.
Good things come to those who are Waiting? Patient.
You know how bored they get in 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's why it's a good lesson to learn.
Good things come - to those who wait.
- Patience.
It's hard for kids these days to learn patience.
- Two things reque patience.
- ( Bo-Bo yelps ) - ( laughing ) Bo-Bo! - People-- - Bo-Bo, come on! - ( Bo-Bo barks ) - People-- - Bo-Bo! They can hardly sit still, let alone wait for jelly to cook.
People and mayhaw jelly.
- You got it? - Yes, sir.
- Wait in line, wait-- - Bo! They just need more time with me and Phil.
- Therefore-- - J.
J.
! ( clicks tongue ) - You have to wait on people.
- They'll learn.
- Miss Kay: Bo-Bo! - Phil: Patience, see what I'm saying? [ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING, CROWD GROANS .]
NO.
CLOSER.
I AM A VEGGIE, I AM SO TASTY 2007 CALLED, IT WANTS ITS CAMERA PHONE BACK.
AND I AM FILLED WITH VITAMINS AND MINERALS HOW'S THIS FOR A DRAMA SHOT? LA LA LA LA LA LA WHY AREN'T WE GETTING CLOSER? [ Guy .]
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Willie: Godwin, where do you want it? Put it right there.
In your front yard? Nobody puts their hot tub in the front yard.
I meant where do you want it in the backyard? Perfect right there.
That's the same place.
You just moved it down the hill 20 feet.
I want it in the front yard.
Si: Hey, look, Godwin.
You need to think about your neighbors, okay? What's the deal? Why do you want it up here? They wake up, they have a light breakfast, they come out their door I like to watch the cars go by.
- What, are you a dog? - ( barks ) Si: and then the first thing that greets them in the morning, a nude and rude man in a hot tub.
You sure you don't want it in the back? - No.
- Hey, it's disgusting.
I think I'm about to-- ( retches ) barf.
I want it in the front yard.
- Fine, I don't care.
- Who cares? - All right, let's drop it off.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Martin: Get on the smart end.
I got the dumb end, Godwin.
Here's a riddle-- how many Duck Commander employees does it take to unload one worthless hot tub? - Willie: Push it up.
- Jase: Now up.
- Martin: Now up? - No, not that way.
You need one with Trump-like vision and leadership.
We're gonna do the up, back, and slide method.
Three more to grunt and revisit high school football injuries.
- Jase: Don't hit me on the head.
- Godwin: Oh, good Lord.
Whoa, hey, hey, whoa! And one to be a lazy bum.
( taps conga rhythm ) I found a ladybug.
Or two lazy bums.
Hot tub, hot tub.
I guess the real question is, why does Duck Commander have so many numbskull employees? - Godwin: Don't scar it up! - Willie: Watch out, son.
This thing's heavy.
( overlapping chatter ) There went the side.
( yelling ) - Whoo! - Si: Good job! Push that crap over.
Timber! - Perfect.
- Installed, boys.
You're now the proud owner of a disgusting hot tub.
This board's broke.
That's just cosmetics, Godwin.
You better hurry up if you gonna get that thing ready - by the time your woman gets home.
- That's right.
I'll get the wood glue.
- ( hissing ) - ( boiling ) We're almost ready for the first batch of jelly.
I'm pretty excited about it.
You pretty excited about it, son? Yes, sir.
I'm starving.
Okay.
Food is one of the best teaching tools that there is.
That's especially true when you're dealing with teenage boys.
- That is good.
- I wanna try some.
The hungrier they are, the better they listen to you.
- What about it? - It's good.
What about you, big boots? Mm, yeah.
That's good.
Plus, it builds a lot of character.
Mm, tasty.
I wanna try some.
Oh, yeah.
We got something going there.
( all moan ) Lord knows the boy needs a lot of that.
John Luke, look alive, son.
That is good.
The woods provide.
Never doubt it.
- Look, that's just one-- - That's really good, actually.
- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
Phil: The lesson you've learned today is what? John Luke: Waiting? Patience.
Jep: Goin' in.
All right, here we go, Godwin.
Making memories for ya.
Oh, this is priceless.
( grunts ) ( laughs ) What's wrong, old buddy? This is cold.
( all laughing ) Oh, there we go.
Now Now there's my pic-- hey, hey, hey! - Godwin, how's it going in there? - Oh, it's nice.
It shined up pretty good.
Look.
- Where's the bubbles? - Turn it on.
Martin: Fire it up, Will.
I'm turning it on now.
- Martin: Fire in the hole.
- ( beeps, gurgles ) ( beeping ) Is this what you press? ( beeping continues ) Fire on the grill, Jack! ( beeping continues ) ( engine whirrs ) - Uh-oh.
- ( laughs ) Ah, yeah! In all the years I've known Godwin, I've never seen him this happy.
- Hey, get up in here.
- No.
- Get in here.
- No.
- Get in this! - Are you crazy? - Y'all don't wanna get in here? - Godwin, stop it.
He's happier than a pig in mud John, you've got crap all over your chest.
It could be a squirrel turd.
Oh, this is great.
which is actually a fitting comparison when you consider how disgusting that water probably is.
Y'all don't know what you're missing.
It's kinda loud, isn't it? What? Y'all gonna want some of this.
Come on.
No.
No, I really don't want any of that.
Whoo.
( rattle, engine dies ) ( scoffs ) ( beeping ) What happened to my bubbles? Si: It bubbled out.
Well, John, for one second-- - ( bubble gurgles ) - Ooh, chili dog.
- ( groans ) - Martin: That hurt him there.
Ew, and I had my hands in that water.
That was chili dog, what was there.
I'm outta here, boys.
Oh, come on.
- All right, Godwin.
- Good grief.
Good job.
You need to be at work in the morning.
I appreciate y'all.
- Martin: Have fun, sir.
- Jase: Stay away from that drain! ( engine whirring ) Hey, it's working again.
Y'all come back.
I got my hot tub, I got my hot tub And you don't.
Phil: Father, thank You for the fried chicken, the mayhaw jelly that You raise out in the wild.
You have blessed us mightily.
We're thankful, Father, for Jesus, so it's through Him I ask this prayer.
- Amen.
- ( all ) Amen.
Willie: Sometimes doing a favor for a friend can be quick and easy.
Other times, it means you'll be spending all day at a stinkin' junkyard.
The point is, you can't pick and choose how you help somebody.
You just help 'em 'cause they've been there to help you, and in the end, if you can put a smile on a buddy's face, it's worth all the trouble.
Plus, it means I'm off the hook for favors for a while.
Phil: Godwin, you're glowing.
Everybody calm down.
Si: Watch your step, boys.
Hey, watch your step.
- Martin: We'll be the speed of this.
- Okay.
One of the many perks of being in the Robertson clan - Jase: Si, are you pushing? - No, I ain't pushing.
Martin: Quit pushing! is that if you need help, all you gotta do is ask for it.
- Willie: Si, get your butt up here and help.
- Hey.
Today, I got all the boys helping me install my new dock.
This'll last about a month.
It's a great system.
( groans ) This sucks.
But like any other system, there can be people who abuse it.
Willie, you gonna sit there and fart around, or are you gonna go ahead and put a screw in it? Jase: I thought you were helping us carry this.
I am helping.
Hey, put a screw in the thing.
Lift with your neck.
Don't get caddywhompus.
Who you calling idiot? Y'all have never built nothing.
- That's what women talk about.
- Si, we got this.
Look, you boys need supervision.
Si, let me tell you what you don't have-- is super vision.
- ( all laughing ) - Hey.
Jase: Tell ya how much money I got in this? He hasn't got my labor bill yet.
I thought y'all were helping a friend out.
What happened to that? Hey, this is the buddy-- the family system, okay? We help each other out.
Hey, look.
What's the point of having family and friends if you can't ask them for help every once in a while? Y'all wearing me out with asking for help.
Hey, once I asked this family to help me clean a deer that I'd shot in their backyard You always asking favors, but you never help out with any favors.
hey, they ask me, "Who are you?" I said, "Hey, I'm Uncle Si.
You gonna help me or not?" Well, hey, no.
They didn't help me.
Some family they are.
I ain't never asked for no favors.
Yes, you have.
I've absolutely never asked for a favor.
Who helps you do all your projects? I just never needed any help.
I just do it.
Jase: I will honestly say we owe you one.
Everybody needs help at least once in their life.
- Martin: Especially you.
- Si needs help once a day.
What you talking about? Y'all ain't got it straight.
Let me get out there and look at that thing.
It don't have to be straight, Si.
I'm gonna fish off of it.
- I'll test this thing for you.
- Jase: Uh-oh.
( laughing ) They gone.
Willie: So much for supervision.
( theme music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S04E03 Hot Tub Grime Machine == - Si: Hey, y'all wanna hear another football story? - Jase: No.
Let me tell you about my best game.
- Si-- - Best game ever.
( exhales sharply ) Watching my Uncle Si tell a story about football That was my sport.
it's a lot like watching the Super Bowl on TV.
The game itself is only a small part of it.
This is not gonna start on a football field.
What? It always starts with some pregame hype This team was nine and zero.
Hey, this dude weighs 197 and looks like King Kong.
then you hear a little bit about team strategy The coach says, "Okay, somebody has got to knock this big guy off his feet.
" So I finally said, "Hey, I'll get him, Coach.
" ( all laughing ) 135-pound "Killer Cat" Robertson.
- But, look, that ain't the good part.
- Si, get to the point.
And then, you know, two hours later, the game starts.
They get the ball, five plays later-- zoom, end zone.
Okay, seven-zero.
We scored 10 times in a row.
- What? - The score is 70 to 14.
( laughing ) Then, of course, you have halftime.
( slurps ) Then you got your commercial break.
Epsom salt will get rid of the pain.
If you got a backache, Vicks VapoRub.
Bengay.
Isn't it Bengay? Is that the name of it? It's like a magic formula, I'm telling you.
Then, before you know it, the game's back on.
The little guy catches it and gets killed.
- Huh? - Whoa, boom, oof! Oh! Boo-ya! Game over.
77 to 14.
- Si, have you done anything today? - No.
Bam.
Boomtown! Willie: Gentlemen, look.
Coasters.
You got one with me on it, Will? ( laughing ) In a big family, every sibling has their place.
I'm the Boss Hog, Jase attempts to run the duck call room, and Jep is Kay's favorite.
Who wants to put their drink on a Jep coaster? Man, I got no bobblehead, no coaster.
I think we can make some Jep toilet paper.
- Oh.
- That'd be cool.
Yeah.
And I always go the extra mile to make sure Jep never starts to feel more important than he is.
Seriously, I don't see what Kay sees in that guy.
All right, y'all said y'all would help me, so I need y'all to help me.
You wanna cash in your points right now? I wanna cash 'em in.
Y'all are gonna have to help me.
I'm gonna get me a hot tub.
- What? - A hot tub.
A what? A hog? A hot tub.
Oh, a hot tub.
A hot tub? A hot tub.
( enunciating ) A hot tub.
I want a hot tub.
No self-respecting man would have a hot tub.
I would.
That's my point.
They're awesome.
It's a big bathtub with friends.
- What? - Godwin: Wouldn't that be cool? You just wanna go get a hot tub? That's the favor? The man wants a hot tub, he should get a hot tub.
- I'll get my laptop.
We'll find one.
- Please don't.
- Willie: Hot tub party! - I'm getting a hot tub! Hot tub party.
Everybody's invited.
Clothing optional.
I'm joking.
Kay: What are you looking for? Phil: I'm hunting an extension cord, Miss Kay.
Well, I'm looking for that smell.
That's what I'm looking for.
- For what? - For that smell.
It's fixin' to make me throw up.
You betcha.
Bingo, I have found it.
It's right where I left it.
Oh, yeah.
There they come right there.
Hey, boy, y'all really look like a bunch of rednecks.
- ( Kay laughs ) - Hey, Papaw Phil.
These days, it's hard to get your grandchildren to come help you do anything.
I got a little lesson for them here today.
You have to come up with some kind of excuse to get 'em on the premises.
Y'all got my tarp? - We got it.
- Lil' Will: Got it.
Things like, "Hey, bring that tarp up here.
I need a tarp.
" Okay.
Good work.
Presto.
You look up, you got a labor force.
Phil: I've got an adventure for y'all.
Y'all gonna be jumping up and down about this one.
Yeah, I can tell you's excited.
( vocalizes ) Old Papaw slicked 'em again.
- Grab that tarp.
- Yes, sir.
So, what are we doing? It's an adventure, Willie's child.
John, there's some cool ones, about six grand.
What's your budget? - Not many.
- Not many? - Hmm, that's weird.
- ( chuckles ) - I don't reference money by many, but-- - What? All I can spend's 200 bucks.
$200? $200.
So, you want a used one? With speakers.
I just wanna say something for the record.
- I am in protest of this.
- All right, noted.
When it comes to germs, Jase is a walking contradiction.
This whole thing is a bad idea.
He has no problem crawling through swamps and other disgusting, stagnant bodies of water A used hot tub? but just the mention of a man-made place with clean, animal-free water is enough to send him on a rant for a week.
You gonna get the measles from it, blisters, skin rashes, or hepatitis.
Si: Overcome by bacteria.
( all laugh ) Ha.
He calls himself a purist.
Everyone else just calls him a germaphobe.
I want a hot tub.
You ain't talking me out of it.
The man wants a hot tub.
Si: Hey, and I know where he can find one.
At Squirrel's.
That's actually not a bad idea 'cause all he has is crap, so - we're gonna get a hot tub - With speakers.
I'm not sure if you can afford the speakers, too, but we're gonna try.
You may just have to park your truck by it.
This is the biggest mistake of your life, Godwin.
But I'll help you.
- Come on, drama queen.
- Si: All right, let's go to Squirrel's.
Hey, I'm liable to find me something I wanna buy down there at Squirrel's.
Godwin: I just want a hot tub with speakers.
- Jase: Or hepatitis.
- Willie: Jase! Godwin: I want a hot tub.
Jase: A buddy of mine got his hair clogged in the drain.
- I ain't got no hair.
- You got any back hair? ( imitates sucking ) I'll stay away from the drain.
( imitates Hannibal Lecter ) Hello, Clarice.
I mean Jase.
Is anybody back there? - Si! - Come on back! Cut it to your left! Si, can you even see the trailer hitch? It's under your truck! Look, back in 'Nam, I was an air traffic controller.
- Hey, look.
- Help me out here.
Si: People don't understand, you can say anything with hand signals.
This means come straight back! Si, I can't see you! Hey, this and that.
I can say, "Clear for takeoff.
" "Ready for landing.
" - Si, what does that mean? - Left! "Would you like to dance?" Hyah, hyah.
Hey! "Did you just see that?" - Si? - Huh? Stand up! "May I use your glasses?" "I think I'm about to sneeze.
" Woo-woo-woo.
"What time is it?" Good grief! What are you doing? "Get it straight.
" Come on back.
All right, that's good.
Si, if I mess my truck up, you're paying for it.
Hey, not a chance.
I ain't paying for nothing.
- Si.
- What? That's horrible directions.
Hey, you wasn't obeying my air traf-- directions.
- Thank you, Si.
- You're welcome.
- What are y'all doing? - I'm trying to talk him out of doing this so we don't waste the whole day.
You ain't talking me out of it.
- Well, let's go.
- Martin: Let's get out of here.
- Si, hook the trailer up.
- All right.
Can you do that? Can you do one thing? Si: Yeah, I got that.
- I got it.
- Here we go.
Si: All right, you boys ready to go? - Jep: We're ready.
- All right, let's go get a hot tub.
- Godwin: With speakers.
- We're gonna get it-- Si, the trailer's not hooked up.
( Si laughs ) Phil: All right, you kids are fresh out of the subdivision.
- Bella: Yes, sir.
- Lil' Will: Yes, sir.
What have you noticed so far just looking around? What have you noticed? Green.
Trees.
Sky.
My grandkids are suffering from a personality crisis.
- Trees.
- Lil' Will: Clouds.
- Trees.
- Green.
That means they don't have one.
What are you seeing, John Luke? John Luke, trees? Trees.
Boy, what a great answer there.
Based on their vacant stares they may be beyond repair.
But let's give her a try.
Food.
What if everything goes south? There are no chicken nuggets, no big, tall Coca-Colas and fries.
What then? We would survive like "The Walking Dead.
" What? Now, look.
You see that? This is a mayhaw.
It's like a little apple.
- Everything goes south-- - Like in "The Walking Dead"? - you'll be eating good.
- Like in "The Walking Dead.
" John Luke.
Whatever that is, one thing for sure, we'll have plenty of mayhaw jelly.
Jelly for everybody.
You fired up about it there, loud boots? You gonna grab those trees with both hands and you're gonna shake 'em.
You get on that tree, you get on this one.
When I tell ya, start shaking.
You ready? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Start shaking.
Hard.
- Miss Kay: Oh, man! - Phil: Not bad! Miss Kay: Bo-Bo, Look.
Looking good, looking good.
Shake hard.
It's a mayhaw picking.
You're going back to your roots.
Squirrel: Well, check it out.
Jase: It doesn't have any speakers.
( laughs ) Jase: The boards are rotten.
It stinks.
I'm pretty sure it's disease-infested.
Squirrel used this thing.
- No offense, Squirrel.
- That's cool.
This is a human cesspool.
You don't like it.
No, I don't like it.
I got to have it.
Willie: All right, we'll take it.
- You got a deal.
- All right.
Deal done.
Pay on your waout.
- All right.
- Let's take it home.
- Willie: All right.
- Si: Let's go.
Squirrel: I'll go get the forklift.
I'll just puit on your bill.
( laughs ) Lil' Will: So, what do we do next? We're gonna wait approximately 10 minutes with a low fire under that.
10 minutes? You've got to wait, wait, wait.
Good things come to those who are Waiting? Patient.
You know how bored they get in 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's why it's a good lesson to learn.
Good things come - to those who wait.
- Patience.
It's hard for kids these days to learn patience.
- Two things reque patience.
- ( Bo-Bo yelps ) - ( laughing ) Bo-Bo! - People-- - Bo-Bo, come on! - ( Bo-Bo barks ) - People-- - Bo-Bo! They can hardly sit still, let alone wait for jelly to cook.
People and mayhaw jelly.
- You got it? - Yes, sir.
- Wait in line, wait-- - Bo! They just need more time with me and Phil.
- Therefore-- - J.
J.
! ( clicks tongue ) - You have to wait on people.
- They'll learn.
- Miss Kay: Bo-Bo! - Phil: Patience, see what I'm saying? Willie: Godwin, where do you want it? Put it right there.
In your front yard? Nobody puts their hot tub in the front yard.
I meant where do you want it in the backyard? Perfect right there.
That's the same place.
You just moved it down the hill 20 feet.
I want it in the front yard.
Si: Hey, look, Godwin.
You need to think about your neighbors, okay? What's the deal? Why do you want it up here? They wake up, they have a light breakfast, they come out their door I like to watch the cars go by.
- What, are you a dog? - ( barks ) Si: and then the first thing that greets them in the morning, a nude and rude man in a hot tub.
You sure you don't want it in the back? - No.
- Hey, it's disgusting.
I think I'm about to-- ( retches ) barf.
I want it in the front yard.
- Fine, I don't care.
- Who cares? - All right, let's drop it off.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Martin: Get on the smart end.
I got the dumb end, Godwin.
Here's a riddle-- how many Duck Commander employees does it take to unload one worthless hot tub? - Willie: Push it up.
- Jase: Now up.
- Martin: Now up? - No, not that way.
You need one with Trump-like vision and leadership.
We're gonna do the up, back, and slide method.
Three more to grunt and revisit high school football injuries.
- Jase: Don't hit me on the head.
- Godwin: Oh, good Lord.
Whoa, hey, hey, whoa! And one to be a lazy bum.
( taps conga rhythm ) I found a ladybug.
Or two lazy bums.
Hot tub, hot tub.
I guess the real question is, why does Duck Commander have so many numbskull employees? - Godwin: Don't scar it up! - Willie: Watch out, son.
This thing's heavy.
( overlapping chatter ) There went the side.
( yelling ) - Whoo! - Si: Good job! Push that crap over.
Timber! - Perfect.
- Installed, boys.
You're now the proud owner of a disgusting hot tub.
This board's broke.
That's just cosmetics, Godwin.
You better hurry up if you gonna get that thing ready - by the time your woman gets home.
- That's right.
I'll get the wood glue.
- ( hissing ) - ( boiling ) We're almost ready for the first batch of jelly.
I'm pretty excited about it.
You pretty excited about it, son? Yes, sir.
I'm starving.
Okay.
Food is one of the best teaching tools that there is.
That's especially true when you're dealing with teenage boys.
- That is good.
- I wanna try some.
The hungrier they are, the better they listen to you.
- What about it? - It's good.
What about you, big boots? Mm, yeah.
That's good.
Plus, it builds a lot of character.
Mm, tasty.
I wanna try some.
Oh, yeah.
We got something going there.
( all moan ) Lord knows the boy needs a lot of that.
John Luke, look alive, son.
That is good.
The woods provide.
Never doubt it.
- Look, that's just one-- - That's really good, actually.
- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
Phil: The lesson you've learned today is what? John Luke: Waiting? Patience.
Jep: Goin' in.
All right, here we go, Godwin.
Making memories for ya.
Oh, this is priceless.
( grunts ) ( laughs ) What's wrong, old buddy? This is cold.
( all laughing ) Oh, there we go.
Now Now there's my pic-- hey, hey, hey! - Godwin, how's it going in there? - Oh, it's nice.
It shined up pretty good.
Look.
- Where's the bubbles? - Turn it on.
Martin: Fire it up, Will.
I'm turning it on now.
- Martin: Fire in the hole.
- ( beeps, gurgles ) ( beeping ) Is this what you press? ( beeping continues ) Fire on the grill, Jack! ( beeping continues ) ( engine whirrs ) - Uh-oh.
- ( laughs ) Ah, yeah! In all the years I've known Godwin, I've never seen him this happy.
- Hey, get up in here.
- No.
- Get in here.
- No.
- Get in this! - Are you crazy? - Y'all don't wanna get in here? - Godwin, stop it.
He's happier than a pig in mud John, you've got crap all over your chest.
It could be a squirrel turd.
Oh, this is great.
which is actually a fitting comparison when you consider how disgusting that water probably is.
Y'all don't know what you're missing.
It's kinda loud, isn't it? What? Y'all gonna want some of this.
Come on.
No.
No, I really don't want any of that.
Whoo.
( rattle, engine dies ) ( scoffs ) ( beeping ) What happened to my bubbles? Si: It bubbled out.
Well, John, for one second-- - ( bubble gurgles ) - Ooh, chili dog.
- ( groans ) - Martin: That hurt him there.
Ew, and I had my hands in that water.
That was chili dog, what was there.
I'm outta here, boys.
Oh, come on.
- All right, Godwin.
- Good grief.
Good job.
You need to be at work in the morning.
I appreciate y'all.
- Martin: Have fun, sir.
- Jase: Stay away from that drain! ( engine whirring ) Hey, it's working again.
Y'all come back.
I got my hot tub, I got my hot tub And you don't.
Phil: Father, thank You for the fried chicken, the mayhaw jelly that You raise out in the wild.
You have blessed us mightily.
We're thankful, Father, for Jesus, so it's through Him I ask this prayer.
- Amen.
- ( all ) Amen.
Willie: Sometimes doing a favor for a friend can be quick and easy.
Other times, it means you'll be spending all day at a stinkin' junkyard.
The point is, you can't pick and choose how you help somebody.
You just help 'em 'cause they've been there to help you, and in the end, if you can put a smile on a buddy's face, it's worth all the trouble.
Plus, it means I'm off the hook for favors for a while.
Phil: Godwin, you're glowing.
Si: If you like her You need to put a ring on her.
( all laughing ) Martin: Okay, all right.
Everybody calm down.
Si: Watch your step, boys.
Hey, watch your step.
- Martin: We'll be the speed of this.
- Okay.
One of the many perks of being in the Robertson clan - Jase: Si, are you pushing? - No, I ain't pushing.
Martin: Quit pushing! is that if you need help, all you gotta do is ask for it.
- Willie: Si, get your butt up here and help.
- Hey.
Today, I got all the boys helping me install my new dock.
This'll last about a month.
It's a great system.
( groans ) This sucks.
But like any other system, there can be people who abuse it.
Willie, you gonna sit there and fart around, or are you gonna go ahead and put a screw in it? Jase: I thought you were helping us carry this.
I am helping.
Hey, put a screw in the thing.
Lift with your neck.
Don't get caddywhompus.
Who you calling idiot? Y'all have never built nothing.
- That's what women talk about.
- Si, we got this.
Look, you boys need supervision.
Si, let me tell you what you don't have-- is super vision.
- ( all laughing ) - Hey.
Jase: Tell ya how much money I got in this? He hasn't got my labor bill yet.
I thought y'all were helping a friend out.
What happened to that? Hey, this is the buddy-- the family system, okay? We help each other out.
Hey, look.
What's the point of having family and friends if you can't ask them for help every once in a while? Y'all wearing me out with asking for help.
Hey, once I asked this family to help me clean a deer that I'd shot in their backyard You always asking favors, but you never help out with any favors.
hey, they ask me, "Who are you?" I said, "Hey, I'm Uncle Si.
You gonna help me or not?" Well, hey, no.
They didn't help me.
Some family they are.
I ain't never asked for no favors.
Yes, you have.
I've absolutely never asked for a favor.
Who helps you do all your projects? I just never needed any help.
I just do it.
Jase: I will honestly say we owe you one.
Everybody needs help at least once in their life.
- Martin: Especially you.
- Si needs help once a day.
What you talking about? Y'all ain't got it straight.
Let me get out there and look at that thing.
It don't have to be straight, Si.
I'm gonna fish off of it.
- I'll test this thing for you.
- Jase: Uh-oh.
( laughing ) They gone.
Willie: So much for supervision.
( theme music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
- Si: Hey, y'all wanna hear another football story? - Jase: No.
Let me tell you about my best game.
- Si-- - Best game ever.
( exhales sharply ) Watching my Uncle Si tell a story about football That was my sport.
it's a lot like watching the Super Bowl on TV.
The game itself is only a small part of it.
This is not gonna start on a football field.
What? It always starts with some pregame hype This team was nine and zero.
Hey, this dude weighs 197 and looks like King Kong.
then you hear a little bit about team strategy The coach says, "Okay, somebody has got to knock this big guy off his feet.
" So I finally said, "Hey, I'll get him, Coach.
" ( all laughing ) 135-pound "Killer Cat" Robertson.
- But, look, that ain't the good part.
- Si, get to the point.
And then, you know, two hours later, the game starts.
They get the ball, five plays later-- zoom, end zone.
Okay, seven-zero.
We scored 10 times in a row.
- What? - The score is 70 to 14.
( laughing ) Then, of course, you have halftime.
( slurps ) Then you got your commercial break.
Epsom salt will get rid of the pain.
If you got a backache, Vicks VapoRub.
Bengay.
Isn't it Bengay? Is that the name of it? It's like a magic formula, I'm telling you.
Then, before you know it, the game's back on.
The little guy catches it and gets killed.
- Huh? - Whoa, boom, oof! Oh! Boo-ya! Game over.
77 to 14.
- Si, have you done anything today? - No.
Bam.
Boomtown! Willie: Gentlemen, look.
Coasters.
You got one with me on it, Will? ( laughing ) In a big family, every sibling has their place.
I'm the Boss Hog, Jase attempts to run the duck call room, and Jep is Kay's favorite.
Who wants to put their drink on a Jep coaster? Man, I got no bobblehead, no coaster.
I think we can make some Jep toilet paper.
- Oh.
- That'd be cool.
Yeah.
And I always go the extra mile to make sure Jep never starts to feel more important than he is.
Seriously, I don't see what Kay sees in that guy.
All right, y'all said y'all would help me, so I need y'all to help me.
You wanna cash in your points right now? I wanna cash 'em in.
Y'all are gonna have to help me.
I'm gonna get me a hot tub.
- What? - A hot tub.
A what? A hog? A hot tub.
Oh, a hot tub.
A hot tub? A hot tub.
( enunciating ) A hot tub.
I want a hot tub.
No self-respecting man would have a hot tub.
I would.
That's my point.
They're awesome.
It's a big bathtub with friends.
- What? - Godwin: Wouldn't that be cool? You just wanna go get a hot tub? That's the favor? The man wants a hot tub, he should get a hot tub.
- I'll get my laptop.
We'll find one.
- Please don't.
- Willie: Hot tub party! - I'm getting a hot tub! Hot tub party.
Everybody's invited.
Clothing optional.
I'm joking.
Kay: What are you looking for? Phil: I'm hunting an extension cord, Miss Kay.
Well, I'm looking for that smell.
That's what I'm looking for.
- For what? - For that smell.
It's fixin' to make me throw up.
You betcha.
Bingo, I have found it.
It's right where I left it.
Oh, yeah.
There they come right there.
Hey, boy, y'all really look like a bunch of rednecks.
- ( Kay laughs ) - Hey, Papaw Phil.
These days, it's hard to get your grandchildren to come help you do anything.
I got a little lesson for them here today.
You have to come up with some kind of excuse to get 'em on the premises.
Y'all got my tarp? - We got it.
- Lil' Will: Got it.
Things like, "Hey, bring that tarp up here.
I need a tarp.
" Okay.
Good work.
Presto.
You look up, you got a labor force.
Phil: I've got an adventure for y'all.
Y'all gonna be jumping up and down about this one.
Yeah, I can tell you's excited.
( vocalizes ) Old Papaw slicked 'em again.
- Grab that tarp.
- Yes, sir.
So, what are we doing? It's an adventure, Willie's child.
John, there's some cool ones, about six grand.
What's your budget? - Not many.
- Not many? - Hmm, that's weird.
- ( chuckles ) - I don't reference money by many, but-- - What? All I can spend's 200 bucks.
$200? $200.
So, you want a used one? With speakers.
I just wanna say something for the record.
- I am in protest of this.
- All right, noted.
When it comes to germs, Jase is a walking contradiction.
This whole thing is a bad idea.
He has no problem crawling through swamps and other disgusting, stagnant bodies of water A used hot tub? but just the mention of a man-made place with clean, animal-free water is enough to send him on a rant for a week.
You gonna get the measles from it, blisters, skin rashes, or hepatitis.
Si: Overcome by bacteria.
( all laugh ) Ha.
He calls himself a purist.
Everyone else just calls him a germaphobe.
I want a hot tub.
You ain't talking me out of it.
The man wants a hot tub.
Si: Hey, and I know where he can find one.
At Squirrel's.
That's actually not a bad idea 'cause all he has is crap, so - we're gonna get a hot tub - With speakers.
I'm not sure if you can afford the speakers, too, but we're gonna try.
You may just have to park your truck by it.
This is the biggest mistake of your life, Godwin.
But I'll help you.
- Come on, drama queen.
- Si: All right, let's go to Squirrel's.
Hey, I'm liable to find me something I wanna buy down there at Squirrel's.
Godwin: I just want a hot tub with speakers.
- Jase: Or hepatitis.
- Willie: Jase! Pretty snazzy phone you got there.
Oh yeah, it's the new GS4.
I had this one about four years now.
Wow! Yeah.
That is vintage.
3 button doesn't work but other than that, she's a trooper.
I like to keep it simple.
Well if you want it simple, this has an easy mode.
It puts uh, only the things you use on your home screen.
Makes your contacts easy to get to.
I like it.
I got a birthday coming up, you know? Yeah I'll get right on that.
Make things simple with Easy Mode.
Only on the Galaxy S4.
Feels like home! Your Duck Dynasty Headquarters.
Walmart 'Quack, quack' duck call RICH, CHEWY CARAMEL ROLLED UP IN SMOOTH MILK CHOCOLATE.
THIS ONE'S GOING INTO OVERTIME.
ROLO.
GET YOUR SMOOTH ON.
Godwin: I want a hot tub.
Jase: A buddy of mine got his hair clogged in the drain.
- I ain't got no hair.
- You got any back hair? ( imitates sucking ) I'll stay away from the drain.
( imitates Hannibal Lecter ) Hello, Clarice.
I mean Jase.
Is anybody back there? - Si! - Come on back! Cut it to your left! Si, can you even see the trailer hitch? It's under your truck! Look, back in 'Nam, I was an air traffic controller.
- Hey, look.
- Help me out here.
Si: People don't understand, you can say anything with hand signals.
This means come straight back! Si, I can't see you! Hey, this and that.
I can say, "Clear for takeoff.
" "Ready for landing.
" - Si, what does that mean? - Left! "Would you like to dance?" Hyah, hyah.
Hey! "Did you just see that?" - Si? - Huh? Stand up! "May I use your glasses?" "I think I'm about to sneeze.
" Woo-woo-woo.
"What time is it?" Good grief! What are you doing? "Get it straight.
" Come on back.
All right, that's good.
Si, if I mess my truck up, you're paying for it.
Hey, not a chance.
I ain't paying for nothing.
- Si.
- What? That's horrible directions.
Hey, you wasn't obeying my air traf-- directions.
- Thank you, Si.
- You're welcome.
- What are y'all doing? - I'm trying to talk him out of doing this so we don't waste the whole day.
You ain't talking me out of it.
- Well, let's go.
- Martin: Let's get out of here.
- Si, hook the trailer up.
- All right.
Can you do that? Can you do one thing? Si: Yeah, I got that.
- I got it.
- Here we go.
Si: All right, you boys ready to go? - Jep: We're ready.
- All right, let's go get a hot tub.
- Godwin: With speakers.
- We're gonna get it-- Si, the trailer's not hooked up.
( Si laughs ) Phil: All right, you kids are fresh out of the subdivision.
- Bella: Yes, sir.
- Lil' Will: Yes, sir.
What have you noticed so far just looking around? What have you noticed? Green.
Trees.
Sky.
My grandkids are suffering from a personality crisis.
- Trees.
- Lil' Will: Clouds.
- Trees.
- Green.
That means they don't have one.
What are you seeing, John Luke? John Luke, trees? Trees.
Boy, what a great answer there.
Based on their vacant stares they may be beyond repair.
But let's give her a try.
Food.
What if everything goes south? There are no chicken nuggets, no big, tall Coca-Colas and fries.
What then? We would survive like "The Walking Dead.
" What? Now, look.
You see that? This is a mayhaw.
It's like a little apple.
- Everything goes south-- - Like in "The Walking Dead"? - you'll be eating good.
- Like in "The Walking Dead.
" John Luke.
Whatever that is, one thing for sure, we'll have plenty of mayhaw jelly.
Jelly for everybody.
You fired up about it there, loud boots? You gonna grab those trees with both hands and you're gonna shake 'em.
You get on that tree, you get on this one.
When I tell ya, start shaking.
You ready? On the count of three.
One, two, three.
Start shaking.
Hard.
- Miss Kay: Oh, man! - Phil: Not bad! Miss Kay: Bo-Bo, Look.
Looking good, looking good.
Shake hard.
It's a mayhaw picking.
You're going back to your roots.
Squirrel: Well, check it out.
Jase: It doesn't have any speakers.
( laughs ) Jase: The boards are rotten.
It stinks.
I'm pretty sure it's disease-infested.
Squirrel used this thing.
- No offense, Squirrel.
- That's cool.
This is a human cesspool.
You don't like it.
No, I don't like it.
I got to have it.
Willie: All right, we'll take it.
- You got a deal.
- All right.
Deal done.
Pay on your waout.
- All right.
- Let's take it home.
- Willie: All right.
- Si: Let's go.
Squirrel: I'll go get the forklift.
I'll just puit on your bill.
( laughs ) Lil' Will: So, what do we do next? We're gonna wait approximately 10 minutes with a low fire under that.
10 minutes? You've got to wait, wait, wait.
Good things come to those who are Waiting? Patient.
You know how bored they get in 10 minutes.
Yeah, that's why it's a good lesson to learn.
Good things come - to those who wait.
- Patience.
It's hard for kids these days to learn patience.
- Two things reque patience.
- ( Bo-Bo yelps ) - ( laughing ) Bo-Bo! - People-- - Bo-Bo, come on! - ( Bo-Bo barks ) - People-- - Bo-Bo! They can hardly sit still, let alone wait for jelly to cook.
People and mayhaw jelly.
- You got it? - Yes, sir.
- Wait in line, wait-- - Bo! They just need more time with me and Phil.
- Therefore-- - J.
J.
! ( clicks tongue ) - You have to wait on people.
- They'll learn.
- Miss Kay: Bo-Bo! - Phil: Patience, see what I'm saying? [ CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING, CROWD GROANS .]
NO.
CLOSER.
I AM A VEGGIE, I AM SO TASTY 2007 CALLED, IT WANTS ITS CAMERA PHONE BACK.
AND I AM FILLED WITH VITAMINS AND MINERALS HOW'S THIS FOR A DRAMA SHOT? LA LA LA LA LA LA WHY AREN'T WE GETTING CLOSER? [ Guy .]
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Walmart 'Quack, quack' duck call [ Male Announcer .]
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Willie: Godwin, where do you want it? Put it right there.
In your front yard? Nobody puts their hot tub in the front yard.
I meant where do you want it in the backyard? Perfect right there.
That's the same place.
You just moved it down the hill 20 feet.
I want it in the front yard.
Si: Hey, look, Godwin.
You need to think about your neighbors, okay? What's the deal? Why do you want it up here? They wake up, they have a light breakfast, they come out their door I like to watch the cars go by.
- What, are you a dog? - ( barks ) Si: and then the first thing that greets them in the morning, a nude and rude man in a hot tub.
You sure you don't want it in the back? - No.
- Hey, it's disgusting.
I think I'm about to-- ( retches ) barf.
I want it in the front yard.
- Fine, I don't care.
- Who cares? - All right, let's drop it off.
- This is gonna be perfect.
Martin: Get on the smart end.
I got the dumb end, Godwin.
Here's a riddle-- how many Duck Commander employees does it take to unload one worthless hot tub? - Willie: Push it up.
- Jase: Now up.
- Martin: Now up? - No, not that way.
You need one with Trump-like vision and leadership.
We're gonna do the up, back, and slide method.
Three more to grunt and revisit high school football injuries.
- Jase: Don't hit me on the head.
- Godwin: Oh, good Lord.
Whoa, hey, hey, whoa! And one to be a lazy bum.
( taps conga rhythm ) I found a ladybug.
Or two lazy bums.
Hot tub, hot tub.
I guess the real question is, why does Duck Commander have so many numbskull employees? - Godwin: Don't scar it up! - Willie: Watch out, son.
This thing's heavy.
( overlapping chatter ) There went the side.
( yelling ) - Whoo! - Si: Good job! Push that crap over.
Timber! - Perfect.
- Installed, boys.
You're now the proud owner of a disgusting hot tub.
This board's broke.
That's just cosmetics, Godwin.
You better hurry up if you gonna get that thing ready - by the time your woman gets home.
- That's right.
I'll get the wood glue.
- ( hissing ) - ( boiling ) We're almost ready for the first batch of jelly.
I'm pretty excited about it.
You pretty excited about it, son? Yes, sir.
I'm starving.
Okay.
Food is one of the best teaching tools that there is.
That's especially true when you're dealing with teenage boys.
- That is good.
- I wanna try some.
The hungrier they are, the better they listen to you.
- What about it? - It's good.
What about you, big boots? Mm, yeah.
That's good.
Plus, it builds a lot of character.
Mm, tasty.
I wanna try some.
Oh, yeah.
We got something going there.
( all moan ) Lord knows the boy needs a lot of that.
John Luke, look alive, son.
That is good.
The woods provide.
Never doubt it.
- Look, that's just one-- - That's really good, actually.
- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
Phil: The lesson you've learned today is what? John Luke: Waiting? Patience.
Jep: Goin' in.
All right, here we go, Godwin.
Making memories for ya.
Oh, this is priceless.
( grunts ) ( laughs ) What's wrong, old buddy? This is cold.
( all laughing ) Oh, there we go.
Now Now there's my pic-- hey, hey, hey! - Godwin, how's it going in there? - Oh, it's nice.
It shined up pretty good.
Look.
- Where's the bubbles? - Turn it on.
Martin: Fire it up, Will.
I'm turning it on now.
- Martin: Fire in the hole.
- ( beeps, gurgles ) ( beeping ) Is this what you press? ( beeping continues ) Fire on the grill, Jack! ( beeping continues ) ( engine whirrs ) - Uh-oh.
- ( laughs ) Ah, yeah! In all the years I've known Godwin, I've never seen him this happy.
- Hey, get up in here.
- No.
- Get in here.
- No.
- Get in this! - Are you crazy? - Y'all don't wanna get in here? - Godwin, stop it.
He's happier than a pig in mud John, you've got crap all over your chest.
It could be a squirrel turd.
Oh, this is great.
which is actually a fitting comparison when you consider how disgusting that water probably is.
Y'all don't know what you're missing.
It's kinda loud, isn't it? What? Y'all gonna want some of this.
Come on.
No.
No, I really don't want any of that.
Whoo.
( rattle, engine dies ) ( scoffs ) ( beeping ) What happened to my bubbles? Si: It bubbled out.
Well, John, for one second-- - ( bubble gurgles ) - Ooh, chili dog.
- ( groans ) - Martin: That hurt him there.
Ew, and I had my hands in that water.
That was chili dog, what was there.
I'm outta here, boys.
Oh, come on.
- All right, Godwin.
- Good grief.
Good job.
You need to be at work in the morning.
I appreciate y'all.
- Martin: Have fun, sir.
- Jase: Stay away from that drain! ( engine whirring ) Hey, it's working again.
Y'all come back.
I got my hot tub, I got my hot tub And you don't.
Phil: Father, thank You for the fried chicken, the mayhaw jelly that You raise out in the wild.
You have blessed us mightily.
We're thankful, Father, for Jesus, so it's through Him I ask this prayer.
- Amen.
- ( all ) Amen.
Willie: Sometimes doing a favor for a friend can be quick and easy.
Other times, it means you'll be spending all day at a stinkin' junkyard.
The point is, you can't pick and choose how you help somebody.
You just help 'em 'cause they've been there to help you, and in the end, if you can put a smile on a buddy's face, it's worth all the trouble.
Plus, it means I'm off the hook for favors for a while.
Phil: Godwin, you're glowing.