Empty Nest (1988) s04e03 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find Hard to find that's something I will never be I'm always here for anything you need anything you need rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on hey, mister fly.
You're rubbin' your hands together.
You'd better be a-prayin', 'cause I am your worst nightmare! Hey.
Hey, yourself.
What is it? Oh, you left this mornin' before I had a chance to say good-bye.
I thought Mae if you couldn't say good-bye, you wouldn't leave.
Laverne, how many times we got to over this? I'm a baseball player.
That's what I do.
I can't help I got to go to fort lauderdale to do it.
Right, only you don't have to play in these charity games.
You choose to.
You'd rather play baseball than be with me.
Come on, baby, there's gonna be celebrities there! This is just an excuse to get out of takin' me to the medical center dinner dance.
Oh, baby, I hate to dance.
Now, I've always hated to dance.
I used to pretend to love to dance, 'cause you love to dance.
Well, I liked things a lot better when you was still pretendin'.
Okay, I can pretend, just as soon as you start doin' the things you used to do.
You name one thing I used to do that I don't do anymore.
- We - You watch your mouth.
This is a pediatrician's office.
Ah, Nick! How's the game going? Oldest guy in the minors.
Hey, doctor, would you do me a favor? Sure thing.
I'm goin' out of town for a few days.
I'd like you to look after the missus here.
She'll be all alone.
Don't worry Nick.
I give you my word, I will keep my eye on your wife.
You keep your eye on the ball.
Why is everyone always tellin' me that? Well, now, gotta pack.
Gotta remember to take my lucky shoelaces.
Nick, don't you want to kiss me good-bye? Well, damn, hon, why didn't you just say somethin'? I-I just put a fresh chaw in.
I'm sorry, baby.
Bye.
- Laverne, everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine.
I just don't get to go to the thing tonight.
- Why not? - 'Cause Nick's out of town.
Laverne, if you want to go tonight, just go.
Well, twist my arm.
Well, I'll be there.
What else you got? Oh, don't be silly, Donald.
Of course I can cook.
I'm just not the kind of girl who does it on the first date.
That's all.
Anyway, you'll see when you come to dinner Friday night.
Bye-bye.
Carol, look what I found in the garage Our headdresses from camp wee-ma-wok! Oh, Barbara! Remember our Indian names? You were "swims like a fish.
" And you were "stays in her tent.
" And do you remember our camp song? Both: a-wee-ma-wok, a-wee-ma-wok, a-wee-ma-wok You wee-ma-wok, we often talk A-wee-ma-wok, a-wee-ma-wok A-wee-ma-wok yes! Oh, I just loved camp wee-ma-wok.
That was the summer I had my first big crush on Gordon d'amico Do you remember? Yeah.
I always felt a little guilty stealing him away from you.
What are you talking about? You didn't steal him away from me.
He had to leave camp because his entire family was killed.
In a freak summer avalanche? In las Vegas! Oh, Barbara, surely you didn't believe that ridiculous story I cooked up.
Well, of course, I did.
I was ten years old.
Well, he was there the whole time.
You know, I think it made it even more romantic, the two of us sneaking around so that you wouldn't see him.
And you fell for it like a ton of bricks.
All this time, you've been making me look like a fool.
I even wrote a folk song about it for the high-school talent show.
I remember jackpot of tears.
Fine, Carol.
You just go ahead and laugh, but you better watch your back, because I plan to get revenge.
Could be today.
Could be tomorrow.
Could be the next day.
Could be Monday.
Could be Tuesday.
Could be okay, okay, I get it.
I get it.
Could be a week from Thursday.
You know, will, I've been treating kids for 25 years, and one thing never changes Raisins up the nose.
They all do it.
We don't know why.
Oh, hi, y'all.
Sorry I'm late.
Oh, Laverne, you remember will comstock.
He used to be our sales rep from belle kirk.
That must've been before my time.
Well, if we'd have met I'd of remembered.
Well, anyway, Laverne Todd, will comstock.
You know, will's from the south too.
- Oh.
- Greenville, Tennessee.
Harry, come settle a bet for us over here.
- Excuse me, dear.
- Please sit down.
Oh.
Thank you.
So, uh, you're from Tennessee.
- Mm-hmm.
- Do you know dizzy Pratt? Well, I-i can't say I do.
He does this impression of a chicken in a windstorm.
But it's his brother Izzy what's the real cutup.
He can put an entire rabbit in his mouth.
He come down for hickory days once drivin' this, uh I'm sorry.
I'm probably I'm probably borin' you.
No, no, not at all.
I'm I'm hanging on your every word.
- You are? - Sure.
You were sayin'? I'm married.
That is, I've been married.
I'm just now sayin' it.
Me too, me too.
My wife, Kathy's great.
You'd like her.
Only problem is, she's gone a lot.
She's a flight attendant.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know, I always thought I'd be real good at that.
"In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, put your head between your legs and kiss your butt good-bye.
" Oh.
You are somethin'.
Uh, my husband, Nick He's somethin' too.
I-I mean, he's a ballplayer.
Oh, he must be on the road a lot.
Oh, yeah, but I'm used to it.
I mean, you know, it's not like we're a couple of newlyweds or anything.
I mean, we still love each other.
We definitely still love each other.
We do Definitely.
Of course Of course, the problem with my wife traveling and everything is that I just have to go to all these things alone.
I never get to dance.
Oh, you like to dance? Oh, sure.
Hey, how about it, hmm? - Dance? - Yeah.
- With you? - Oh, yeah.
- No, I couldn't.
- Oh, come on.
Laverne, go ahead.
It's just a dance.
- It's just a dance.
- Well Laverne, go ahead.
I told Nick I'd look after you.
Have a good time.
Oh, what the hell? It is just a dance.
Why did I do it? Why did I do it? Why did I do it? I am a Scarlet woman.
What are you talking about? I danced with another man.
And I enjoyed it.
Well, of course you did.
You love to dance.
Will's a great dancer.
So it's only natural you enjoyed it.
But I'm a married woman.
There's only one thing to do.
I'm gonna call Nick.
I'm gonna make a clean breast of it.
Hello.
Nick Todd, please.
Well, get him out of the showers.
This is his wife a-callin'.
He'll be hurt and disappointed, but in the long run, our marriage will grow stronger.
At least I hope so, 'cause plan "b" is the convent, and I look like hell in a wimple.
Laverne, don't you think you're overreacting? I mean, this was all completely aboveboard.
You danced with the guy.
You didn't do anything.
Hi, Nick, darlin'.
How's those a-games goin'? Did you meet any big celebrities? Baby, what are you doin'? You just pulled me out of my lucky shower.
What lucky shower? I took a shower at this exact time yesterday, and I got two hits off Jessica tandy.
Well well, I'm sorry, honey.
I just called, 'cause I wanted to tell you that I went to the thing last night, and I danced With a man.
Hell baby, I don't care if you danced with k.
D.
Lang.
I got to get back in the shower.
Dang, where's my lucky wash rag? - I got to go, baby.
- - Bye.
- Well, what did he say? - Nothin'.
He didn't care.
See there? Everything's fine, Laverne.
You just have an overactive conscience.
Yeah, I-i guess you're right.
- Good morning, ma'am.
- Hi, will.
- Hi.
- Uh, what are you doing here? Well, I was just in the neighborhood, and I-i figured after all your fancy footwork last night, you might've worked up an appetite.
If your husband's still out of town, maybe you'd like to have dinner tomorrow? No, I-i don't think so.
I mean, you know, people might get the wrong impression.
Oh, you're right, you're right.
I-I just figured we both have to eat.
But it was a stupid idea.
I-i take it back.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
I mean, maybe the doctor's right.
I do have an overactive conscience.
I mean, it is just dinner.
We both have to eat.
- And it's no fun alone.
- Well so, I'll make reservations, and I'll call you later and tell you where.
Okay, then.
I'll see you tomorrow night.
Yeah, see you tomorrow night.
Don't worry, Nick.
I'll keep an eye on the wife.
Barbara? Are you home? Where is she, dreyfuss? What is she up to? I know she's plotting some sort of terrible revenge.
What do you think? Wait a minute.
You could be in on this too.
Barbara, what are you doing? - Fixing my motorcycle.
- Oh.
Wait a minute.
Weren't you fixing it last week? It's taking an awfully long time.
I know, my car! You're going after my hyundai, my beautiful hyundai! Hi, westonettes.
Carol, I brought you a present.
- A what? - A present.
You remember your set of pottery bowls, the ones I broke doing my dirty magic tricks? And I said I'd replace them, and you said, "when pigs fly.
" - Well, I did.
- You flew? No, I replaced your bowls.
I couldn't find the exact ones, but Barbara said you'd like these even better.
Aha.
You put him up to this.
Go ahead, open it.
Why is it so light? Well, open it and find out.
Oh, no.
Suddenly it all makes sense to me.
It's my sweet 16 party all over again.
"Barbara gave me this can of peanut brittle," "and these horrible paper snakes sprang out," and I wet my bell-bottoms.
Well, I am not falling for that old trick again.
I fell for an old trick once.
But I digress.
Aren't you gonna open it? You're both awfully eager to see me open that, aren't you? Carol, I'm trying to be nice.
Now, shut up and open the damn thing.
- Just open it.
- All right.
Oops.
Hey! That cost me Oh, no, I thought paper snakes were gonna jump out again.
Get real.
Paper snakes are nothing compared to what I'm gonna do to you.
What? What, Barbara? Please tell me.
Please tell me.
What? Jeez.
She really busted my bowls.
Head 'em up, move 'em out! So you're still going on that date with will? I told you, it's not a date.
Sorry, I forgot.
It's not a date.
Sounds like a date, but it's not a date.
You know, I don't get you.
A couple of days ago, you wanted me to have fun with will.
Anyway, it doesn't matter Because it's not a date.
You didn't expect me to wear my uniform.
Laverne, ever since you made this Thing that's not a date, although I know Now, maybe it's none of my business, but I-i care about you, dear, and I feel responsible, after I'm the one who convinced you that this was all completely harmless.
And you were right.
It's all completely aboveboard.
Laverne, I was talking about dancing at a business function with lots of witnesses.
Well, it doesn't matter, because, anyway, it's not a date.
Then why are you dressed up like that? Why are you making a kissy face? Doctor Weston, I appreciate your concern, but this is me, Laverne, you're talkin' to.
I'm not gonna do anything bad.
What's so wrong with wantin' to be with somebody who thinks I'm funny and beautiful and Okay, I'll say it straight out S-e-x-y.
Laverne, I just want you to think this thing through here.
If you're having problems with Nick, then you work them out with Nick.
Marriage is a series of hills and valleys.
And that concludes today's broadcast of sermonette.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sam? Sam eckert? Laverne Todd? Yeah.
Mrs.
eckert, how are you Aren't Mrs.
eckert.
Caught.
But then I guess you are too.
I won't tell if you won't.
What the hell is that supposed to mean? Laverne Oh, you look great! - Oh, uh, this old thing? - Mmm.
And you smell good.
Ah, thank you.
Would you care for a drink? Uh, no, thanks.
I think I'll have a drink first.
What? Anyway, I'm just glad that you could make it.
I wasn't sure you were gonna show up.
You know, it's funny you should say that, because the doctor and I were talkin' this afternoon, and he said the most interesting thing about me meetin' you.
Of course, I assured him that my intentions were completely innocent Much in the same way that your large, manly hand on mine is just a gesture of platonic friendship.
Oh, my lord, the doctor was right.
Uh, good-bye, will.
Say hello to your wife for me.
Well, Laverne, where you goin'? Okay if I give you a call? That's for what you's thinkin' about me.
And this is for your wife.
I know I don't look my best, dreyfuss.
It's all Barbara's fault.
She knew this date with tom was important to me, and thanks to her childish threats, I've had no sleep whatsoever.
Oh, my god.
I look like morley safer.
Tom.
Carol You look different.
Come in, come in.
Daddy's out, and Barbara's at work, so we have the whole house to ourselves.
Oh, really? Barbara, what are you doing home? Got off early.
That's odd.
She knew I was cooking dinner for you, and she said she was working late.
Would you get off of me? I'm trying to think.
- Sorry.
- Uh, these were in the oven.
I thought they were gonna burn.
- Thanks.
- Yes, thank you, Barbara.
Later.
Well, shall we? It's shrimp quiche.
It's my own recipe.
Barbara hates it, but Wait a minute.
Of course.
Don't eat that! It may have been tampered with.
Tampered with right.
Carol, are you okay? Perfectly.
It's my sister.
She's the sick one.
Barbara.
Look, tom I didn't want to involve you in this, but Well, you see, my sister Barbara is out to get me.
She will stop at nothing.
Really? And she seemed so nice.
Whose side are you on? Nobody's.
Why are you getting so crazy? Crazy? Me? Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, I get it now.
This is a gaslight thing, isn't it? You and Barbara are in cahoots, and I'm Ingrid bergman.
What are you talking about? When you called last night, Barbara answered the phone.
You talked to her, didn't you? - Yeah, but I - Can it, buster.
The jig's up.
Get out of here.
Get out.
And don't even think of coming back! Where's tom? It's all over, Barbara.
You win.
Thanks to you, you have ruined my first decent date since "the hands across America" rally.
Now you have your revenge.
Are you satisfied? - That wasn't my revenge.
- It wasn't? No.
It's gonna be bigger, huge.
Oh, no, Barbara.
Please, please don't.
Not bigger.
I don't think I could take it.
Ah, got ya! What the? This? This is your revenge A whoopee cushion? I told you it was gonna be big! What kind of a stupid moron would use a whoopee cushion for revenge? The kind that got you good.
You are the most juvenile little You just can't get enough, can you? Thank you.
Where's Nick? I drove up here all the way from Miami.
I gotta talk to him.
He's up at bat.
Well, that won't take long.
Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! So that's the game.
Hey, Nick, I saw the end of the game.
Oh, Laverne, of all the times for you to come down and see me play That don ameche's got one hell of a breaking ball.
Well, you did the best you could.
Hell, we all make mistakes, even me.
Nick, I have a confession to make.
I lusted in my heart, but thank god, I stopped it before it got to the rest of my body.
Say you'll forgive me.
Nick? Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
I guess I wasn't listenin'.
What did you Whoa! You look good.
Really? Oh, I mean, goo-ood.
Oh, I knew it.
It's been a long time since you looked at me that way.
Oh, I've been missin' a lot, baby.
Well, we both have.
But from now on, instead of lookin' for love in all the wrong places, I'm gonna keep a bird in my hand.
Well, that didn't come out exactly right, but the gist is, you are my man, and you always will be.
Well, hell, baby, ain't all your fault.
Now, marriage is a two-way street.
I can change too.
From now on, if you want to dance, then dance I will.
Oh, Nick.
By the way, did I tell you you look good? I don't believe you did.
Come on, Nick, let's go home.
Oh, okay, baby.
Hold on, I got to get my lucky glove.
You ain't going to need that to get lucky tonight.