Episodes s04e03 Episode Script

I need you to talk to Andrew Lesley.
There is no way we are speaking to that smug, duplicitous talking scarf.
If you do this for me, I will take you to a Golden Globes gifting suite.
Say more.
So this is fantastic.
It's sophisticated and hilarious, and you've been hearing that stuff all day long.
So was I right? She's great, right? - She's very impressive.
- Jesus.
Just tell me we're getting the fucking show.
It's probably a huge mistake, and I'm sure there'll come a day when I regret this So it's a yes! What we need to do is look at reducing your expenses.
Child support, alimony Actually, that one's going away.
My ex-wife's getting remarried.
Well, that's a sizeable savings.
Congratulations.
Where are we with Ollie? - It's over.
- So that's it? It's just just over? Yeah.
Over.
Oh, Jesus.
Are those tears in your eyes? This is very upsetting.
Okay, watch.
First you draw Mr.
Froggie's eyes, like this.
Now let's give him a chin.
He's gonna need some legs And a mouth.
And he's really surprised, 'cause he's not a frog at all.
He's a What? - Huh.
- What? Something from Tim Whittick.
He's in town.
Wants to have lunch with us.
With "us" or with "you"? Could be the plural "you.
" - Darling, he hates me.
- He doesn't.
Oh, please.
In his mind, if I hadn't come along, you'd still be writing together.
He calls me Yoko.
He doesn't call you Yoko.
Well, obviously, not to my face, but All right, I've never told you this because I know you'll say I'm crazy, but every time he sees me, he somehow manages to work the word "ono" into the conversation.
"Oh, no.
" Yeah, you're crazy.
Are you still there? Of course we're still here.
There's no other way out.
Sean and Beverly's office.
Eileen Jaffee on one.
Hello.
So are you dying? A little bit every day.
Seriously, front page of the Trades.
- What? - You haven't seen them yet? No.
There's a whole thing about you guys selling the show.
Wendy, have the Trades arrived yet? What trains? Trades.
Hang on, Eileen.
Look at that.
I can't believe you didn't see it.
I can't believe they used that stupid picture.
I look like I'm in a failed boy band.
Forget the picture.
Enjoy this.
A straight-to-series pickup There are 300 TV writers who hate you today.
It doesn't get better than that.
- You do like the envy.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, I'm jumping off.
Mazel tov, as you probably don't say.
- Bye.
- Thank you.
"Newly appointed network prexy Helen Basch says, 'We're thrilled to be working with a script of this caliber.
'" Thank you, Helen.
No turning back now.
You really can't let yourself enjoy it? Not and still be me.
Okay.
On a scale of one to ten, how awkward would this be? - Merc Lapidus - Five.
wants to come in and pitch a show - Seven.
- and I'm probably gonna buy it.
It goes up to ten, right? - What's he pitching? - I have no idea.
But you know you're gonna buy it? I sort of have to.
Because? He gave me my first job.
No way.
Yeah, so I kind of owe him.
At least that's what he said.
You talked to him? Oh, I listened.
He begged.
He's very good with the begging.
Believe me, I know.
Mm.
No.
No.
I-I didn't mean that way.
What? Look, I I don't know what you've heard I heard that it lasted five years and ended when he left.
So you're pretty much caught up.
I just think I've got to do something.
I mean, his whole life went to shit.
First the firing, then the divorce, now the Larry Penzel thing.
Oh, my God, he was in that? Supposedly, he took a big hit.
So you're gonna be okay having him here? Absolutely.
I'll be fine.
Honest.
- Honest on a scale of - Let's say two.
Good enough.
Camera set.
And background.
And Action.
Line? "Morning.
" Morning.
If you could read, you'd see the library is closed.
Line? "So I hear you and my brother had a good time.
" So I hear you and my brother had a good time.
For about three minutes.
Unfortunately, the date lasted three hours.
Line? "Hey, who's the person who warned you about him "in not just one, not just two, "but five emails, one of which had an emoticon of a wagging finger?" Hey, I warned you.
Are you kidding me? Line? No, asshole.
That's me talking.
You have six fucking lines in the whole episode.
- Oh, who gives a shit? - Jesus Christ.
No one's gonna see this piece of crap.
I'm not gonna waste my fucking time learning it.
Shall we continue? - You need to see the script? - No, I'm good.
And action.
- Line? - Son of a bitch! Cut! All right, I think we got that.
We didn't even get to the end of the scene.
It doesn't matter.
It's good enough.
Is this about going to the stupid gifting suite with Matt? I have to get there before the good stuff's gone.
I say we break for lunch.
Really? Apparently, we've already broken.
Okay, that's lunch, everybody.
What are you waiting for? Go change.
Go.
Go.
Okay, you are gonna have to try and calm down.
This is me trying.
Go! Oh, there's Tim.
- Oh, shit.
- Tim! What about "oh, shit" made you think I wanted him over here? - It's Tim.
- Hello, you.
Oh.
And you.
Oh, great to see you.
Ah.
Look at you two moguls.
Hardly.
I loved this one's email "Meet me at the stage.
We'll grab a bite at the commissary.
" It's like something out of Sunset Boulevard.
And yet most of the time, we feel like William Holden floating in the pool.
Anyway, so nice to see you.
Oh, what? You're not joining us? Oh, I wish I could.
Unfortunately, I have this thing with Matt LeBlanc.
Mm.
Oh, no.
Wait.
Hang on.
Everything in this room is free? Rooms.
This is just the first one.
Oh, my God.
It's like when The Wizard of Oz turns to color.
Hey.
Matt LeBlanc.
Beth Vennick put us on the list.
Absolutely.
Welcome.
Now what? Uh, well, now we go around, and they give us stuff.
By the way, this is very similar to things I've made up in my head.
Okay.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Vive-8 is an all-natural energy drink.
It's packed with eight herbs and vitamins, and antioxidants No sugar, no caffeine.
The boost comes from things like ginseng, guarana, astragalus root.
Mmm.
Tastes like plague.
Would you like a few cans? Absolutely.
It's free.
Matt, do you mind if we get a shot of you maybe holding the Vive-8? Nothing's free.
I'm just saying, try to be a little selective.
Hey, eyes here.
'Cause whatever you take, I got to do a picture, and then it shows up on their website, and suddenly, I'm endorsing their shit.
So all I'm asking is that you don't take everything.
Ooh, peanut brittle.
So tell me, how are you? What have you been up to? Oh, I'm out here trying to get meetings and, of course, not getting meetings.
Eh, I've got this script.
I can't even get anyone to read it to reject it.
I know.
It's a horrible, stupid town.
Said the man with two TV shows.
Right, okay, first of all, Pucks! has been a bloody nightmare.
- Aw.
- No, no, seriously From start to finish, a fucking disaster.
Oh, poppet.
Do I look like I feel sorry for you? 'Cause I'm trying so very hard.
Prick.
What? You want sympathy? Your picture's on the front of Variety, which was very exciting, by the way.
- Well - When I read the thing, I was like, "Oh, my God.
" They're making our show.
" - I'm sorry.
What? - Our show.
You you finally got it on.
Oh! No.
No.
Actually, the show Bev and I are doing is vastly different from that thing you and I kicked around.
Well, that's not true.
No, no.
It absolutely is.
The Opposite of Us bears no resemblance to I can't even remember the name of the thing We're Not Them.
Right.
I mean, they're both about two families.
Well They've both got the same cast playing two parts.
Right, but the specific characters, the story, the scenes Believe me, if you'd read it, you'd realize - Oh, I've read it.
- You've read it? I got a copy from Stanley Richardson.
He's still my agent too, you know.
God, he's useless.
But he gave you our script? Right, so not completely useless.
Yeah.
Jean Luc is based in Paris.
All his pieces are hand-stitched.
He's designed for Sharon Stone, for Jennifer Lawrence.
And I can just take this? Or we can ship it to you.
Suddenly, all the crap you've put us through is totally worth it.
Our artisanal salsas are all handcrafted from natural, organic ingredients.
Would you like a jar? Seriously,a jar? She's giving out leather jackets.
Kitty litter? Really? It's organic.
You don't have a fucking cat.
So how does Bev feel about doing our project? That's got to be a bit awkward for her.
She doesn't feel anything, because we haven't discussed it, because, no offense, it's not the same show.
And yet it is.
I'm stealing one of your chips.
Hmm, seems only fair.
Ha! Look, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree.
Clearly, my recollection of it is very different from yours.
And it's not even like there's a script we can turn to or - There's the notes.
- The notes? Our notes.
And the words "I'll do the typing" finally pay off.
Right, obviously, I haven't seen these, but I can tell you right now there are huge differences.
And yet my lawyers keep banging on about the similarities.
Your lawyers? They're very excited about this.
And I'm like, "Okay, calm down.
" "These are old friends.
"They wouldn't try and screw me.
They're not stupid.
" Ah, fuck it.
I'm taking all of these.
I want to stay here for the rest of my life.
Well, then hurry up and die, 'cause I'm ready to go.
- Hey.
- Are you fucking nuts? Probably.
What? You taught them to draw a vagina? Calm down.
It's just a vagina.
How are ya? - They're children.
- They're fine.
They're not fine.
- Seriously, relax.
- You relax.
You're not the one who's gonna get the calls from the other mothers when their kids come home - Oh, Christ.
- What? - I got to call you back.
- Where are you? At this stupid gifting-suite thing.
I'll talk to you later.
Do not hang What are you doing? That's hers.
It was on the table.
I believe that's yours.
Mm.
- Jesus fuck.
- You owe me a handbag.
Ah! There they are.
Come here.
Oh, look at you My two favorite girls.
- I invented these two.
- Mm Okay.
Helen Basch, Carol Rance, meet - Arjen Van Der Linden.
- Linden.
Yes.
- Welcome.
- Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
This guy is a genius.
- Well - No, no, no.
Not "well.
" He has the number-one show in Holland.
You should see.
The whole country shuts down Wednesday nights.
Restaurants close.
Streets are deserted.
You can't hear a wooden shoe.
Well, come on in.
Tell us.
Sit, sit.
Should I just dive in? - I'm diving in.
- Yep.
Okay, the title literally translates as, this is me and the box I am in, which, obviously, we'll change.
It's not exactly gripping.
But titles, schmitles.
The show is fantastic.
These Dutch fucks are so brilliant at this.
It's like Survivor meets Big Brother meets Millionaire meets Survivor again.
- Wow.
- Okay.
It starts with, like, 12 people.
Six people.
Yeah.
Six people.
And they're all in these boxes.
Well, they don't start in the boxes.
They, uh Oh.
Oh, right.
Right, right, right.
No, they're not in the boxes yet.
- They start - In the chairs.
In the chairs.
And they're lowered into the boxes.
When you say boxes Yeah, yeah, they're like these cells with nothing in them.
And the people in the boxes have to answer these questions, and they get points.
- Not points.
- Okay, not points.
- But they're like points.
- Eh - Let's call them points.
- Okay.
Yeah.
To buy, like, basic necessities, like a blanket or shoes or a piece of fruit.
Well, fruit is later.
It's Fruit is later.
But say a pillow or toilet paper.
- They don't have toilet paper? - They have toilet paper.
All right, all right, they have toilet paper.
Let's not get bogged down.
The idea is, they're buying these basic human necessities, with the exception of toilet paper which they already have.
Well, they do.
Yeah.
Okay.
Or And this is the part I love They can spend their points to do shit to the people in the other boxes.
They can make someone else's box colder or hotter or fill it with bugs.
- Really? Bugs? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's a very big part of it.
They yell, "Release the bugs!" And the audience yells, "Release the bugs!" These fucking bugs come pouring in.
It's like Fear Factor.
You remember Fear Factor? It's like that, but classy.
Well, of course.
They've got toilet paper.
Exactly.
So how long are they in these boxes? Well, the whole season.
Jesus.
How does it end? - They vote each other out.
- No.
No, no, no.
The audience votes.
- No.
- I don't know.
It eventually ends.
Look, we don't have to do it like they did it.
It's fucking Holland.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Now you can talk? I come bearing gifts.
- You come bearing crap.
- Not all of it's crap.
Kitty litter? Okay, some of it's crap.
Hang on.
I want you to see something.
Your son drew this in art class.
Holy shit.
Look at that.
- It's a vagina.
- I know.
He drew a vagina.
Oh, calm down.
It's not like there's a dick in it.
They called me from school.
I'll bet they did.
This is very impressive.
- How do you not get - I get it.
But, Jesus, look at this.
The way he drew the legs It's got perspective.
It's got detail.
- It's got pubes.
- Yeah.
- He's eight.
- I know.
When I was eight, I couldn't draw a house with clouds.
He's talented.
Are you fucking with me? No.
Try to get past the pussy part.
There's nothing past the pussy part.
Yeah, there is.
Look at the execution.
Just look at it.
You got to admit - All right, I kind of see - That's all I'm saying.
Still, you're his father.
You're not supposed to teach him shit like this.
Hey, I cannot take credit for this.
That thing I drew was like a stick figure.
This Is a gift.
You're not putting it on your fridge.
I am so putting it on my fridge.
So wonderful to see you.
Nobody pitches like you do.
You really brought your "A" game.
Ah, this thing pitches itself.
I'm telling you, it's gonna be bigger here than it is over there.
Stop selling.
We bought it.
Arjen, so nice to meet you.
We're really excited about this.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Didn't I tell you? - Have a good weekend, you two.
- Thanks.
Hey, get the elevator.
- I'll be right with you.
- Sure.
- What did you call him? - Who? Arjen? Arjen.
Arjen.
Arjen, wait up! Oh, my God.
What did we just buy? I have no idea.
Well, we did a good thing.
Patty? Tell me I have nothing else today.
You have nothing else today.
I love you.
See you Monday.
- You sure? - Yes.
Go home.
Have a good weekend.
All in all, not a bad first week.
Not bad? We've got the number-one show in Holland.
In Holland.
Well, the best part is, we're done.
- Mm.
- So here's a question.
Do you ever get high? Once in a while.
Oh, these are kind of cool.
They light up when you walk.
Yeah, that's what I need Flip-flops I have to recharge.
I'll take 'em.
Jesus, look at this.
Who the hell would wear a rubber dress? Uh, the girl in this picture? Oh, here we go.
You're gonna like this.
Ba-da ba-ba-da ba-ba-da ba-ba - What are you doing? - What? I haven't had a drink in three months.
I know.
We should celebrate that.
You're such a shit.
Once in a while's not gonna kill you.
Is that the 13th step? I don't know.
I never got past two.
You got any limes? - What do you think? - Nice.
Yeah.
What? Is that a scratch across the lens? They were the last pair.
- But free! - Right.
But can you see? Not really, but you're totally missing the point.
Of glasses? So how was your lunch with Tim? Oh, and by the way, you heard the "oh, no" thing.
- I did.
- Thank you.
Wanker.
Ah.
Um, well, okay, lunch.
Uh Let me start by saying there is no cause for alarm.
This is fucking great.
- Is it medical? - Mm.
- My son grows it.
- Aw.
I want children.
- Yeah? - It's Myra.
Oh, come in.
Is now a good time? - Mm-hmm, very, yeah.
- Very.
I got the casting from New York on First the Good News.
I sent you both the link.
Great.
We'll definitely take a look.
Have a good weekend.
Are you doing anything fun? There's a new exhibit at the holocaust museum.
Mm, enjoy.
Mm, bye.
She looked like she smelled it.
She always looks like she smelled it.
Why is it so quiet? Where are the boys? I like that you're just now wondering where your children are.
They're staying over at my mother's.
Willingly? Remember when we didn't have kids? That was nice.
Don't blame me, Mr.
"Just the Tip.
" And twice.
Mm.
I mean, I love 'em and all, but How great was it before they showed up? Screwing all over the house, getting on the bike, riding up the coast.
- It was a different time.
- Mm.
Yeah, you were crazy back then.
Back then, I would probably put on that rubber dress.
I'm not putting on the rubber dress.
Okay.
Mmm.
I miss this.
Yeah, this is nice.
I meant drinking.
God, you're cute.
I forget how cute you are.
Shut up.
What? I'm not putting on the rubber dress.
Fucking hell.
Come on, let me see.
Whoa.
That's the best thing to happen to rubber since tires.
Buy a latex girl a drink? Oh, fuck.
What's funny? I'm picturing you with Merc.
Why would you want to do that? Five years? Really? Yeah, but I'm in my 30s, so that's not time wasted.
Wow.
Okay.
So, Merc My ex-husband and I heard a rumor.
Probably true.
- Castor Sotto? - Mm-hmm.
Ah! What is with you and bosses? Have a type, do you? I think I'm attracted to power.
Also, I may have some father issues.
Self-aware and fucked up.
Pleased to meet you.
Okay, why are we only talking about my shit? You must have shit.
Oh, I do have some shit.
So? What's your type? Are you seeing anybody or Was.
Ended three months ago.
- Aw.
- It's fine.
All good.
Is he anyone I'd know? - Uh, maybe.
- Mm-hmm? He's Jennifer Collier from Channel Three News.
- Ah.
- Mm.
So your type is I'd say smart beautiful, slightly damaged.
You know anyone like that? Oh My.
So Maybe not just father issues.