Everybody Loves Raymond s04e03 Episode Script

Hey, powder puff! That's right, I'm talking to you.
- What are you doing here? - I got a rash on my leg.
Oh, well and by all means, touch all our food.
- Here's the ointment, Frank.
- Oh, thanks.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah, Dad, that's to go.
All right, all right, all right.
Ooh, you're all wet.
What happened to you? Yeah, I was in the Giants' locker room.
I ended up in the shower with Joe Taggart.
I was doing interviews.
But listen to this: It's after practice, right, and everyone's pretty much cleared out, and I hear the shower still going, so I look in What are you looking in for? Nothing.
The shower's still going.
It's a waste of water.
Anyway, it's Joe Taggard and he's sitting on the floor with his head down and the water's going on him, - and you know what he says to me? - "Do my back"? He tells me he just found out that his favorite receiver, Ricky Friedman, who also happens to be his best friend, - has been with his wife.
- No! Women.
Right, so you automatically blame the woman? - She's cheating on her husband! - What about the friend? - He has no responsibility? - Let me tell you something: God programmed man to sow his seed where he may.
He programmed women to limit the crop to one farmer.
His broad didn't get with the program.
Maybe she was unhappy.
Did you ever think of that? He told me everything seemed fine.
Well, maybe he was out of touch with her feelings.
Maybe he had a lot on his mind.
Maybe she needed somebody to talk to.
Maybe all her talking was complaining.
Maybe he was on the road a lot.
Maybe he had to make a living.
Maybe all he did when he was home was sit on the couch and watch TV.
When are you going to learn, Ray? You can't talk sports with the wife.
Oh, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Ooh! - Hey.
- Hey.
Fake skin.
- What's today, Thursday? - Yeah.
- You want something? - I just wanted to return this ointment.
Oh, yeah.
How did that work out for you? Good good.
You didn't come down here to show me, did you? No no no.
You know, I was talking to Garvin and Stan, and they read your column and they were going on about how much they liked it.
Oh yeah? Tell them I said thanks.
Well, me too.
I mean, I thought it was good too.
You're a good writer.
Did I ever tell you that? No.
- You're a good writer.
- Well, thanks.
So, what are you working on here today? Oh, nothing.
Just something on Ken Griffey Jr.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, he's been in a slum, so he called his father to help him with his swing.
- Did you know that he does that? - Oh yeah? That's a good father.
Hey, remember how I took you to the playground there at the school and I hit fly balls to you? Yeah yeah, I remember that day.
Yeah, I liked that.
Me and you should do that again sometime.
That is weird.
It was.
It was like he was trying to be a father or something.
The last couple of days he's been all pleasant.
Pleasant? Was he feverish? Remember that construction worker in "Ripley's Believe It or Not," the guy who got the metal rod stuck in his brain? You know, he lived but his personality changed? I guess he was suddenly more irritable.
Yes.
Yes, but with my father, it's the exact opposite.
All of a sudden he's nice.
It's weird.
At first it seemed fake, but then I don't know.
We were talking and he was listening.
Yeah.
It was nice.
I don't know.
I liked it.
You know what I think it might be? Your father's getting older, and this is how he's trying to connect.
Frank's not the kind of guy that would change if you told him to, but maybe he's come around to it by himself.
Or there's a rod in there somewhere.
Ma, I do my own shopping now.
I don't need all this.
I saw your refrigerator in that apartment.
All right.
Now, this is beef stroganoff and you eat it with the noodles.
Ooh, and I got your favorite! Steak and macaroni and ham-and-cheese Alfredo.
All right, Ma.
Well, I appreciate it.
You know, with my schedule, it's hard to eat healthy.
- Oh, baby.
- No no no, Robby.
That's not for you.
Chicken is for Raymond.
Of course.
Raymond gets the chicken.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Is Dad around? - No, you just missed him.
- He's on his way to the barber shop.
- Barber? Why doesn't he just go down to the bowling alley and stick his head in the ball buffer? Come on, man.
That's a little rough.
- What? - Listen listen.
Has Dad been acting different lately? You know, now that you mention it, he has been in a very good mood.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
And I notice he hasn't been quite so cheap.
Like today, he's not only getting a haircut, he's also getting a shave.
I think if you're charging Dad for a haircut, you throw in the shave! I don't know.
Lately, Dad's been acting different to me, like nicer.
Yeah? Typical.
So he hasn't been acting nicer to you? That's surprising, isn't it, Ray? Robby chicken doesn't go there.
Give me that.
Come on.
And it's not for you.
It's for Raymond.
I'm good.
Raymond, would you get that for me, please? - Give me that.
- Raymond said I could have it.
You'd rather throw it in the garbage than give it to me? It's the only way you'll learn.
- Hey! - Hey, Stan.
Hey, Garvin.
Hey, Ray's here! Ha ha! Ha ha ha.
Hi, Ray.
We got the money we owe your old man.
- Frank! - He's not here.
He went to the barber shop - to get a haircut and a shave.
- How do you like that? Diamond Jim Brady's getting the shave too.
I guess we're paying for that shave.
Ain't tonight your poker night? Why don't you give it to him then? - I'm not gambling with him anymore.
- Me neither.
I'd never seen a guy on such a hot streak.
It's not natural, it's supernatural.
You know why? 'Cause he's a witch.
That's what he is, a witch.
- Not a witch, a warlock.
- Nobody says "warlock" anymore.
- They're all witches.
- Okay, guys.
You're telling me he's a male witch? You don't say "male witch.
" It's like "male nurse.
" - Now, they're just nurses.
- I'll see that he gets that.
Then I say he's a witch doctor.
I swear, Ray, he put some kind of voodoo curse on Joe Taggard last week.
He kept saying he had this feeling that Joe Taggard was off his game.
Wait a minute.
I thought you were talking about poker.
No, we've been betting sports.
Yeah, yesterday your father takes Seattle over the Yanks, and Griffey breaks out of his slump and knocks in a couple of homers.
How cold he know about Griffey? Come on, Garvin, let's catch up to him at the barber shop.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- I'll see that he gets that.
- That's all right.
We'll do it.
No, if you don't mind, I'd really like to give it to him.
Fine with me! He's not a gracious winner, your father.
You know what he is? He's a witch who made a pact with the devil.
He didn't make a pact with the devil, he is the devil.
Satan! Beelzebub! The sanction of 666! Hey, nice to see you, Ray.
Say hi to your mom! I feel like I'm back in the womb.
coming to me, Frank.
How come you finally sprung for a shave? Times are good, Sal.
Times are good.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Ray.
- Sal, this is my son Ray.
- A son? told me you had a son! I got two.
This one's a sports writer, - a great sports writer.
- Aw, come on, Dad.
Don't be modest.
He's one of the best.
You ever hear of Ray Barone? Ray Barone? You're Ray Barone's father?! told me your last name! I didn't want to bother you.
Stan and Garvin came by and they wanted me to give you this.
- Ah, thank you.
- Did you win at poker or something? Something like that.
- Hey, Ray, how about a shave? - No, I don't think so.
Hey, I know this is not the kind of highfalutin salon you usually go to.
The Hair Barn? Come on, we'll talk.
Oh, you want to talk? All right, great.
Yeah, let's talk.
- Yeah, my treat.
- Your treat? In that case, give me a perm! A shave for my boy, Sal.
Dominic! Customer.
Yeah, sit down here, Ray.
Yeah! Yeah.
See? See, this is nice father and son getting a shave together.
My son won't even talk to me.
I don't know, maybe it's that metal bolt he's got stuck through his tongue.
That's too bad.
A father should be able to talk to his son.
- Right, son? - Right.
Right, Dad.
We've been having some good conversations lately, haven't we? - We sure have.
- Yeah.
They've been enriching.
Have they been enriching for you, Dad? Oh my God! That's hot! Hot towel.
What, you got that sensitive skin? Yeah, it's sensitive to fire.
So what are you working on there today, Ray? Hockey.
Hockey.
The Avalanche, they're in town to play the Rangers.
Oh yeah? The Rangers don't have a chance.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Oh yeah? Why? Nobody knows You moved.
What, Ray? Nobody knows what? Nobody knows about Patrick Roy.
- The Avalanche goalie? - Yeah, he's out.
Knee problems.
I think the Rangers got a pretty good shot.
No kidding? Thanks, Sal.
Thanks.
I feel like a baby's butt.
What's your hurry, Dad? What's up? I got to see a guy about a thing.
- I thought we were going to talk.
- Here you go, buddy.
And here, this is for my favorite son! A father and son, it's a sacred thing.
What you two got is beautiful.
Now don't move your head.
This is very sharp, honey.
- So your father's just been using you? - Yup.
I'm just a tip sheet to him.
- Yeah! - What are you laughing at? I thought Dad liked you more.
Welcome home! - Come on, Ally, bed time.
- Daddy, will you tell me a story? Yeah yeah yeah, jump on.
Once upon a time, there was a little boy who had a very mean father.
Oh, Robert.
I'm glad you're here.
I think I figured out why your father's been acting so differently.
It all adds up I mean, the pleasantness, the spending and the haircut.
He's fooling around.
Fooling around? Come on.
I'll tell you something, if that weasel thinks he can stay with me and keep some chippy on the side - Where's Ray? - Who is it, Frank? - Harriet Lickman?! - Ray! - Oh, sure sure.
You're just a - Ray Barone! - You know, that's a wig she wears! - Ray! - Keep it down.
The kids are in bed.
- Ray! - What? - Mommy! You're killing me, Frank! Hey, Dad.
What, did you come by to have another chat? Don't think you can come crawling back, Frank.
'Cause lips that touched Harriet Lickman will never touch mine! Quiet, Marie.
I got to the Lodge tonight, I turn on the Ranger-Avalanche game.
It's in overtime.
Guess who's playing goalie for the Avalanche? Why, I believe that's Patrick Roy.
Does anybody care about me? Ma, Dad's not cheating on you.
He's cheating on Ray.
What? You told me he wasn't going to play tonight! I must have got it wrong.
Oops.
- I got a lot of money on this game! - Money? Dad, you wouldn't be betting with information I gave you, would you? You set me up.
- Yes, sir.
- I'm family.
You never go against the family.
What family? You used me! Coming around here, being all warm and cuddly, compliments out the wazoo.
You just wanted inside information so you could bet guys at the Lodge! So you're not having an affair with Harriet Lickman? Was there an offer? See, Ma? I told you it was nothing.
Huh you would think I'd be happier.
Come on, Robby.
Dad, if you want, you can use me for stuff 'cause I wouldn't mind the occasional compliment even if it is from your wazoo.
Oh, power play.
Dad, your Rangers are in trouble.
- You're going down! - Damn you! Come on, you mammy hedges! Center it, center it! - Hit him off the puck! - There it is! Fleury holds, goes - shoots, scores! Rangers win! - Yes! Yes! Yes! You see this? This is proof of God here.
You go against your father, thou art smited! I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'll I'll split the money with you! Come on, you're not going to say no to 15 grand! Okay, 80 bucks.
Don't talk to me anymore.
What are you getting so mad about? We had fun, didn't we? We're hanging out, palling around, having conversations.
Yeah, you what, Dad? I did have fun.
I thought you were talking to me like a real father.
There you go.
Good, good.
Go.
Hey, you think I like having to do the hokey-pokey around you just to get some information? I mean, if you weren't such a Boy Scout, I could just come right out and say, "Ray, who do you like in the game tonight?" And then we'd bet together, and we'd win together.
And then we'd go to one of those restaurants where the girls have the tight tops and bring you the big burgers.
That's the real father-and-son stuff! That's real nice, Dad, but you know what I do for a living.
You know I could never bet with you.
Hence the ruse! You know, you're out of line if you think that I was faking the part about enjoying whatever you and me and if that's how you feel about the betting stuff, I won't do it anymore, okay? What are you doing? How are the kids? Yeah, they're good.
And how do the twins like that new preschool there? Yeah, they like it.
It's good.
Good! Okay.
- What? - I think that was a good start.
- Let's not push it.
- Yeah, okay.
- Maybe we'll do some more tomorrow.
- Let's play it by ear.
Yeah.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Listen, you know the corner of Hempstead Turnpike and Uniondale? Yeah.
There's a new speed trap there.
Good to know.
- Ray already told me.
- Come on! God!