F is For Family (2015) s04e03 Episode Script
Bring Me a Tooth
1
[rock music playing]
[cheering]
[static]
[explosion]
[rhythmic knocking]
[knocking on door]
Uh. Okay, no bullshit.
That was the last time I'm doing blow.
Mr. Reynolds? Are you okay?
Hey, pal. Wow, that was
some party I had last night.
Your party was a week and a half ago.
[Vic] Whoa.
It's Monday the 16th?
Oh, shit, I traveled forward in time, man.
This day was important to me, I-- I think.
You go back to work
at the radio station today.
Well, that's right.
You really know the news.
It's written all over your house.
[snoring]
I got to get me a memo pad.
I better give little Vic a business scrub
and get to the Kwock.
You owe me for last week's papers!
Take a gold record.
Bobby Sherman or worse!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
Oh, look. Aw, it's the pj's Bill
was wearing when he took his first steps.
Oh, and it's still got the blood stain
from where he hit his tiny little head
on the corner of that glass table.
[both laugh]
I'm so glad I decided
to get this room together today.
I know I've been feeling down
about the baby,
but seeing the kids' old stuff
is already getting me excited
about this next chapter.
Ah, luckily, I never donated these
to the flood victims.
You see? You can care too much, Sue.
I should break my promises more often.
You also promised you'd finish this room.
[wind howling]
Don't you worry, I'll finish the room.
Just got to put that wall up.
Put a window in,
wire it, paint, wallpaper,
and then tear it down
because I forgot to put the insulation in,
blame it on Kevin,
and do it all over again.
[squeaking]
Ah, damn it. Major! Squirrel!
-Go get the squirrel! Go get the squirrel!
-[barking]
[laughs]
That dumb dog will believe anything.
This book has it all,
short people, tall people, beards.
It's endless.
Ew. Why is this
the fourth-grade play? Ugh.
This seems more like fifth-grade material.
Ah, what will the stork bring us?
Another princess
or the son I always wanted?
-It could be twins.
-You shut your mouth!
Dad, I think there's
something wrong with Vic.
He's trash, Bill.
Okay, paddy wagon's leaving!
Ah, Christ, it's your first
hockey practice today, isn't it?
I'll duck out of work early to help coach.
[groans] You don't have to.
You only volunteered
because you hate Grandpa.
I volunteered because I wanted to.
I can hate Grandpa and love you.
[groans] I just need a ride.
You don't have to be there. God!
Look, I said I'd do it, and I meant it!
I'll be there!
Frank Murphy's a man of his word!
You told Mom you'd watch me in the pool.
-For the one-hundredth time, I was drunk.
-[scoffs]
So you can't help Mrs. Breckman
at my play auditions like you promised?
Oh, Christ, is that today too?
I promise I'll come
to whatever it is you're doing next time.
You like Bill better than me.
Don't you ever say that!
I'm doing Bill's thing because he's
this close to turning into another Kevin.
There can be only one Kevin Murphy.
That's a chance I am not willing to take.
Are we going or not?
Ah, I should've got my nuts snipped.
-Hey, Grandpa.
-Grandpa!
Ho, there are my little acorns!
Aw, shit.
Got back from Cleveland last night.
I bought you a puzzle. Lake Erie Sunrise.
It's all black,
so it should be hard to do.
-Yeah!
-I love puzzles!
You can make goo-goo eyes
at the king of amnesia later. Let's go!
You got hockey today, Billy?
I'll come watch.
-Great!
-No-ho-ho, you won't.
The last thing he needs is you
heckling and laughing at him.
Now, why would I do that
to such a sweet, innocent child?
I have been asking myself that question
for the last 30 years.
Well, you're always harassing us, Dad.
Oh, I do not!
Christ, I'm molding your undeveloped
minds, you fucking ingrates!
Here is what's gonna happen today.
I'll pick you up after school
and coach you at practice.
Then I'll take you home
after your auditions.
Then I'll probably have to bail you out
of jail for getting your arm stuck
in a gumball machine
you're trying to rob, you fucking moron,
because that is what a good father does!
[chuckles]
So emotional. Just like his mother.
-Stop reading!
-Oh! Dick!
It's a modern wonder
that your cow survived
having her larynx torn out by a monkey.
She's my little miracle.
Isn't that right, Heidi?
[mechanical moo]
Oh, I love a happy ending.
One box down. Let's see what's next.
[gasps]
[crying]
Harold dumped me.
And after I let him
into my Mickey Blouse Club.
I thought he was the one.
Oh, Gert, forget Harold.
You're too young to get tied down anyway.
You have your law studies.
I don't care about law! [sobs]
I just want a man to grab me
and throw me around like I'm nothing.
Nobody determines your self-worth but you.
You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're talented.
You're confused
but you and I are Sigmas,
and that means
we're gonna do great things,
-and no man can stop--
-[horn honks]
Oh, Frank's here!
[Sue groans]
Hey, Alice, thanks a lot.
That was a great book.
My favorite part was
that they didn't wear shoes.
Wow, you read it all in a week?
Did I do it wrong?
No, I'm really impressed.
That's a hard book.
I knew you were just being humble
when you said you were dumb.
Yeah, I should stop bragging about that.
[bell rings]
Well, have a great day.
Hey, stay on your path.
Your ring awaits you.
[stammers] And I hope
you kill a bunch of orcs.
You know, for all the trouble this thing
has been, it'd be a real letdown
if nobody tries to bring a gun on a plane.
Let's fire her up!
[whirring]
I don't think it's supposed to do that.
Anyone else itchy?
Hey, Frank, mind if I try out a couple
of ideas for my campaign speech
at The Sons of the Daughters
of the American Revolution?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Great, great.
This can't be right.
I want to talk about issues that unite us.
Better trash pickup,
shutting off the fire hydrants,
rebuilding the rec center we burned down
after the Rustys lost that playoff game.
Investigating how Frank Murphy
got his wife pregnant
with that shamrock-potato-famine
baby dick.
Mm-hmm, good. Good stuff.
[groans] You're not listening to me!
I'm trying to do something important here.
You're right. You're right.
I'm sorry, Rosie.
It's just I am really
under the gun today.
I've got to do
all my paperwork and Pogo's.
And I got to leave at 2:30
to coach my kid's hockey team
that I volunteered for like a moron.
Meanwhile, I got to make sure
Huey and Dewey over here
don't burn the airport down trying
to put in that fucking X-ray machine.
Hey, listen, my braces
are picking up the police scanner.
-[static]
-[man] Go ahead, grab it. The safety's on.
I understand, Frank.
I'm just trying to be the first black man
to represent my district
since my people were
metaphorically freed from slavery.
I had no idea you were carrying the burden
of having to take your white children
to extracurricular activities.
Ah, thanks, pal.
I'll let you slide this time, Frank.
Plus, things should get easier for you.
Pogo's coming back
from his heart attack today.
Oh, my God, do you mean it?
Wally in the control tower just radioed
that he saw Pogo's car turning off
Lindbergh Baby Boulevard.
Oh-ho, he's back! Goddamn it,
did I miss that useless piece of shit.
-[man] Officer down! Officer down!
-[static]
How bad are you hurt?
Now we all had our problems
with Pogo in the past,
but let's try to be nice to him.
Poor guy's been through hell.
His toilet's been through worse.
[all laughing]
Pogo's so fat,
he uses cookie dough for deodorant!
[all laughing]
His titties have titties!
-Oh, man, you got it!
-[Dave] Oh, shit, here he comes!
Okay, that's it.
Leave the fat bastard alone.
-[Pogo grunting]
-[all] Oh!
[Pogo grunts]
Oh, my God, he melted.
[in raspy voice] Hello, my dear friends.
[gasps]
It lifted my spirits
to see you all smiling as I drove up.
We-- We were happy that
you look so good.
I'm so glad to be back and
[gasps] feeling great.
I cheated death, and here I am
[gasps]
the picture of health.
-[all scream]
-Ah, shit!
Don't be alarmed.
It's just my residual stomach skin.
The technical term is a panniculus,
but I've named it Gordon. [gasps]
Back to sleep, my friend.
Bob, you should go home.
This is my home.
The thought of coming back to Mohican
is what kept me alive.
Along with the kidneys
of a young Salvadorian poet.
[gasps]
I'm going to Mrs. Dunbarton
and tell her I'm reporting for duty.
Okay, I'll drive you.
[engine revs]
[engine revs]
I think Gordon is caught in the wheels.
A man has three jobs.
He teaches school 40 hours a week,
sells shoes every night from four to nine,
and fishes coins
out of municipal fountains on weekends.
How many hours a week is he working
to pay alimony to his ex-wife
and her new girlfriend?
I thought, when couples dressed alike,
it was a sign of how much
they loved each other.
Well, don't all shout the answer
out at once, Nobel laureates.
Let's see what brain excrement
the rock star
is dropping in my classroom now.
-Hey, give it back!
-Take a good look, dumb-dumbs.
This is what you get
when you fritter away
your life and mine by
Taking notes in class
and getting the answer right?
I did.
I got one right.
Oh, my God.
I finally reached a student.
Is Durkin crying?
-He's showing weakness!
-Riot!
We don't need you anymore!
Kevin is our teacher now!
Bask in my excellence!
[grunts]
Aw, shit, my car!
[rock music playing]
Cindy Lou, I love you.
Cocaine Charlie, how's the wife and kids?
Mort the good sport, bringing Vic back.
Top of the morning, buddy.
Well, it's 11:50.
But I'm feeling jovial, so I'll allow it.
I'm thrilled you're back
and part of our new team,
led by the visionary program director
we brought in from the coast,
Sandy Calabasas.
The legend himself, Vic Reynolds.
Oh, man, I never thought I'd see the day
where I'd be working alongside you.
I bow down.
You are one of the all-time greats, man.
I'm so very psyched to meet you, Sandy.
My balls are humming "hallelujah."
My testicles are also enthused.
Well, I'll leave you two "groovy buddies"
to partake in "rock 'n' roll" activities.
Is that a real shark?
It's a real painting of one.
That's even better.
I'm so happy to be home.
Thanks for letting me be a part
of what you're doing here.
Part of it? Brother, you're
not a part of it. You're a piece of it.
That sounds like the same thing, man.
Vic, you're gonna program
your own block of airtime
that's just for you
and your type of music.
Oh, man. I'm honored.
Get a load of this.
[Sandy over tape player] Vic Reynolds
presents the Kwock Oldies Block!
Sunday mornings, right before
mandated community programming!
[jingle singers]
Mandated community programming ♪
You're making me the oldies guy?
[stammers] I'm 30.
The years go by so fast, don't they?
Vic, I was brought here
to turn this sinking ship right-side up.
That means finding a brand-new sound
to put us back on top again.
The kind of sound that rocks your chakras
from the root to the crown!
Man, I'm gonna figure out what that is,
and I'm gonna do it.
[chuckles] Leave that to me.
You blazed the trail, Vic.
Let a younger man walk it.
Here, let me get you
a chair and a blanket.
I look so young there.
My therapist is making me play hockey
to deal with my anger issues.
I don't want to hurt kids.
I just want to draw hurting kids.
It won't be so bad, Phillip.
Stick by me.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Hi, Bill, how's it going?
-Ah, shit.
-Leave him alone, psycho.
I don't blame you for hating me.
I've been mean to you, Bill.
I'm just jealous that you're so smart.
Thanks, I guess.
Um, could you help me with some geography?
The capital of Thailand
is Hong Kong, right?
-No, Bangkok.
-Bangkok!
-Ow, my balls! Why?
-[children laughing]
-You stupid fuck!
-[moaning]
[laughs]
Bob, you came back at the perfect time.
Mohican needs its captain at the helm.
Is he asleep?
I'm here, Mrs. Dunbarton.
My eyelid skin is so heavy
it's hard to keep them open.
Well, I'm glad you're awake.
This is a tough time for Mohican.
Profits are down, fuel prices are up,
and those X-ray machines
have really set us back.
The government has no right to force us to
put those in after just a few hijackings.
I mean, one explosion,
they lose their head.
Whoa.
[sighs]
Mrs. Dunbarton, I am so sorry.
It's okay. I remember Roger
the way he'd want to be remembered.
With his throat un-slit.
But we all have to sacrifice
to get through these lean times.
I myself have to leave now to shut down
one of Roger's beloved charities.
Those poor bus station runaways
will never get their breast implants.
I know Tits for Tots meant a lot to him.
It saved my life.
Thank you. God bless.
Well, Bob, I'll see you later.
-I got to get out of here.
-Do me a kindness. [panting]
Walk me back to my office,
would you, Frank?
-Yeah, sure.
-[Pogo gasps]
I just have to leave at 2:45 at the latest
to pick up my kid.
[grunts] You're an angel. [panting]
Uh How do I work this?
Just pretend I'm your daughter
on her wedding day
and my back skin
is her long, extravagant train.
[rock music playing]
We are midway through
a non-stop power hour of power!
If you're driving, don't hit those brakes!
[howls]
[buzz]
Vic, if you just sit there
like that all day, I'm gonna kill myself.
He sticks me with the oldies?
After I told him my balls were humming?
Does that mean nothing anymore?
Vic, I got a wife to support.
And I got a really sick dog.
He got the parvo bad, man.
So I need this job.
But you're rich. So quit!
It's not the money.
I'm all alone in that big house.
I got nobody in my life,
except my best friend Frank.
I got to prove to Sandy
that I can find a new sound,
that I still mean something.
Because without this place,
I don't have anything to live for.
Vic, you got to look at this differently.
It's like what my father told me
when I was being shipped off to 'Nam.
-He said, "Henry, my son--"
-[buzz]
Get down to Quint City Auto Center
and take a test drive
for a chance to win
a book of green stamps!
Lick 'em till they moan!
[bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
Good luck at the auditions.
Too bad everybody hates you
'cause your mom helped
that Chinese lady kill her husband.
Our neighbor killed her husband
because he took the TV away!
Oh, come on, Dad.
Where are you?
Goddamn it!
[Pogo wheezing]
[Frank] Just a few more steps, Bob.
Here we go. Here we go.
[grunts]
There, all set for your nap, okay?
-[stammers] I really have to go now.
-[grunting]
Aw, Christ, hold on! Don't hit the floor!
[grunts]
-[horn sounds]
-Yeah!
All right, you little frozen fucks!
I want to see some physical play.
First kid to bring me a tooth
doesn't have to skate Russian circles.
Come on out, Phil.
I'm scared, Papa.
[whining]
Ow! My shame triangle.
Well, this one's fucking worthless.
You're the goalie. [grunts]
[screaming]
[horn sounds]
Way to go, Philly, you scored one!
-[whistle blows]
-Split up for scrimmage!
Jimmy, play center!
My wrath will not discriminate!
Murphy, right wing!
Murphy!
Where the fuck is Bill Murphy?
Goddamn him.
Ugh, it's my fault for believing
he'd keep his word.
Sorry, I'm late, Mr. Munson.
I thought I saw a dollar in a storm drain.
[grunting]
Bless you, Frank.
Bob, I got to go.
I got this fucking pain-in-the-ass thing
with my kid's hockey team.
I understand. Be with your boy.
Ah, it's just I wasn't thinking,
and I got roped into volunteering--
You've got to do
what feeds your soul, Frank.
When I was in that hospital,
I spent six whole weeks
with my wife and sons at my side.
It reminded me
what I truly love in this life
my job.
Your job? But your family--
I got so sick of them,
crying at my bedside,
eating the chocolates
that were meant for me!
[gasps]
Dolores washing my feet and reading to me
even after I pretended to go into a coma.
[gasps]
No, Frank, the only peace I've ever had
in my life has been at this desk.
My beautiful desk.
Bob, no.
It's family that matters.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I want to be with my son.
I'm already late to pick him up.
I got to go!
Whoa! Ah! Frank?
Christ, I'm so late.
Frank, can I go over that speech?
Taking my kid to an extracurricular!
Aw, fuck you, man!
Mister, I can't find my mommy.
She's getting tit-fucked on the tarmac!
Bill! Bill Murphy!
Has anybody seen my son?
He's not here. His old man left him
high and dry and soaking wet.
Shit!
-[tires squeal]
-[chuckles]
Shit, shit, shit! Shit!
Assistant Coach Murphy coming through!
Dad's here, Bill!
I waited in the rain for you!
Where were you?
Christ, Bill, I'm sorry.
I got stuck at work.
The X-ray machine sucks,
my boss is a skin monster,
teens aren't getting their tits,
but I'm here now.
I told you not to come,
and then you made a big deal about it,
and you still didn't come.
It was better
when you weren't pretending to try.
I have to go back to practice.
Hang on, hang on.
[grunts]
-[gasps]
-[laughs]
His face is having its period!
Don't worry, son,
it's probably just a concussion.
Go home and take it easy.
If you find yourself nodding off,
just let it happen.
-Bill, are you okay?
-Ah, when the hell did you get here?
I've been here the whole time,
just like I said I would.
Grandpa, can you take me home?
At least one kid on this team
knows what he's doing.
[moaning]
Great job, Bonfiglio!
With that melon head,
you're a natural goalie!
-Ah!
-[all cheer]
I did something good. Ah!
Come on, Dad. Where are you?
Nice audition, Maureen.
I didn't realize you were illiterate. Mm!
Ow! You almost tripped me.
Say you're sorry.
Go suck your mother's dick.
At least I have a mother.
Your mom died 'cause she didn't want
to see your ugly face anymore.
Hey, Amy!
I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house,
kills your dad,
comes to the funeral
and shits in the hole,
and then fucks your mom in the grave,
and your mom says,
"Ooh, that's the best grave shit fucking
I've ever had, Bigfoot!
What are you doing Thursday?"
[panting]
[melancholic music playing]
[weeping]
I won't let her say that about you.
[blues music playing]
[gasps] Maureen!
Goddamn it, I'll show him I still got it.
I'm Vic!
[Hank over radio]
Don't miss Grandpa Vic Reynolds
with the oldies Sunday morning,
presented
by Turteltaub and Sons Denture Glue!
[howls] Now you can eat corn!
Hey.
Huh, you're still in here.
I never left.
I might never leave again.
Oh, Sue.
Well, at least somebody had a good day.
Yeah.
Lucky rat.
-Frank!
-Oh.
Sorry.
Ah.
I was his first-born son ♪
But my daddy done sold me for a gun ♪
Having you around
makes me feel good about my life.
Sorry I'm late. I got detention
because I got a math question right.
Hey, I wrote a new song
while this kid was having
a bike chain fight with the teacher.
-You want to hear it?
-I don't have time for that, Kev.
I have to be home in two hours
to whack off to Rhoda.
No, no, it's only three minutes.
Whoa, let's hear it.
Cool. It's about
my new positive outlook on life.
It's called
"My New Positive Outlook on Life."
I'm walking on a cloud
And I'm happy as shit ♪
Feeling like a plane
With a party in the cockpit ♪
I'm dancing on a pizza
And my house is big ♪
I got a monkey for a pet
And he's wearing a wig ♪
Because I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
Mr. Twinkle in My Eye ♪
The sun is out, my pits are dry ♪
And nothing's gonna kill me ♪
Because I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
I didn't even get that high ♪
Hey, that song rocks.
Nobody's gonna tell me
a 30-year-old can't find a new sound.
Ew, you're 30?
I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
Mr. Twinkle in My Eye ♪
The sun is out, my pits are dry ♪
And nothing's gonna kill me ♪
Because I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
I didn't even get that high ♪
I got a good thing on my mind ♪
And now they call me Mr. Happy Guy ♪
[whirring]
[gunshot]
[rock music playing]
[cheering]
[static]
[explosion]
[rhythmic knocking]
[knocking on door]
Uh. Okay, no bullshit.
That was the last time I'm doing blow.
Mr. Reynolds? Are you okay?
Hey, pal. Wow, that was
some party I had last night.
Your party was a week and a half ago.
[Vic] Whoa.
It's Monday the 16th?
Oh, shit, I traveled forward in time, man.
This day was important to me, I-- I think.
You go back to work
at the radio station today.
Well, that's right.
You really know the news.
It's written all over your house.
[snoring]
I got to get me a memo pad.
I better give little Vic a business scrub
and get to the Kwock.
You owe me for last week's papers!
Take a gold record.
Bobby Sherman or worse!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[grunts] Ah!
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
Come and get your love
Come and get your love ♪
Come and get your love now ♪
[boom]
Oh, look. Aw, it's the pj's Bill
was wearing when he took his first steps.
Oh, and it's still got the blood stain
from where he hit his tiny little head
on the corner of that glass table.
[both laugh]
I'm so glad I decided
to get this room together today.
I know I've been feeling down
about the baby,
but seeing the kids' old stuff
is already getting me excited
about this next chapter.
Ah, luckily, I never donated these
to the flood victims.
You see? You can care too much, Sue.
I should break my promises more often.
You also promised you'd finish this room.
[wind howling]
Don't you worry, I'll finish the room.
Just got to put that wall up.
Put a window in,
wire it, paint, wallpaper,
and then tear it down
because I forgot to put the insulation in,
blame it on Kevin,
and do it all over again.
[squeaking]
Ah, damn it. Major! Squirrel!
-Go get the squirrel! Go get the squirrel!
-[barking]
[laughs]
That dumb dog will believe anything.
This book has it all,
short people, tall people, beards.
It's endless.
Ew. Why is this
the fourth-grade play? Ugh.
This seems more like fifth-grade material.
Ah, what will the stork bring us?
Another princess
or the son I always wanted?
-It could be twins.
-You shut your mouth!
Dad, I think there's
something wrong with Vic.
He's trash, Bill.
Okay, paddy wagon's leaving!
Ah, Christ, it's your first
hockey practice today, isn't it?
I'll duck out of work early to help coach.
[groans] You don't have to.
You only volunteered
because you hate Grandpa.
I volunteered because I wanted to.
I can hate Grandpa and love you.
[groans] I just need a ride.
You don't have to be there. God!
Look, I said I'd do it, and I meant it!
I'll be there!
Frank Murphy's a man of his word!
You told Mom you'd watch me in the pool.
-For the one-hundredth time, I was drunk.
-[scoffs]
So you can't help Mrs. Breckman
at my play auditions like you promised?
Oh, Christ, is that today too?
I promise I'll come
to whatever it is you're doing next time.
You like Bill better than me.
Don't you ever say that!
I'm doing Bill's thing because he's
this close to turning into another Kevin.
There can be only one Kevin Murphy.
That's a chance I am not willing to take.
Are we going or not?
Ah, I should've got my nuts snipped.
-Hey, Grandpa.
-Grandpa!
Ho, there are my little acorns!
Aw, shit.
Got back from Cleveland last night.
I bought you a puzzle. Lake Erie Sunrise.
It's all black,
so it should be hard to do.
-Yeah!
-I love puzzles!
You can make goo-goo eyes
at the king of amnesia later. Let's go!
You got hockey today, Billy?
I'll come watch.
-Great!
-No-ho-ho, you won't.
The last thing he needs is you
heckling and laughing at him.
Now, why would I do that
to such a sweet, innocent child?
I have been asking myself that question
for the last 30 years.
Well, you're always harassing us, Dad.
Oh, I do not!
Christ, I'm molding your undeveloped
minds, you fucking ingrates!
Here is what's gonna happen today.
I'll pick you up after school
and coach you at practice.
Then I'll take you home
after your auditions.
Then I'll probably have to bail you out
of jail for getting your arm stuck
in a gumball machine
you're trying to rob, you fucking moron,
because that is what a good father does!
[chuckles]
So emotional. Just like his mother.
-Stop reading!
-Oh! Dick!
It's a modern wonder
that your cow survived
having her larynx torn out by a monkey.
She's my little miracle.
Isn't that right, Heidi?
[mechanical moo]
Oh, I love a happy ending.
One box down. Let's see what's next.
[gasps]
[crying]
Harold dumped me.
And after I let him
into my Mickey Blouse Club.
I thought he was the one.
Oh, Gert, forget Harold.
You're too young to get tied down anyway.
You have your law studies.
I don't care about law! [sobs]
I just want a man to grab me
and throw me around like I'm nothing.
Nobody determines your self-worth but you.
You're smart. You're beautiful.
You're talented.
You're confused
but you and I are Sigmas,
and that means
we're gonna do great things,
-and no man can stop--
-[horn honks]
Oh, Frank's here!
[Sue groans]
Hey, Alice, thanks a lot.
That was a great book.
My favorite part was
that they didn't wear shoes.
Wow, you read it all in a week?
Did I do it wrong?
No, I'm really impressed.
That's a hard book.
I knew you were just being humble
when you said you were dumb.
Yeah, I should stop bragging about that.
[bell rings]
Well, have a great day.
Hey, stay on your path.
Your ring awaits you.
[stammers] And I hope
you kill a bunch of orcs.
You know, for all the trouble this thing
has been, it'd be a real letdown
if nobody tries to bring a gun on a plane.
Let's fire her up!
[whirring]
I don't think it's supposed to do that.
Anyone else itchy?
Hey, Frank, mind if I try out a couple
of ideas for my campaign speech
at The Sons of the Daughters
of the American Revolution?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Great, great.
This can't be right.
I want to talk about issues that unite us.
Better trash pickup,
shutting off the fire hydrants,
rebuilding the rec center we burned down
after the Rustys lost that playoff game.
Investigating how Frank Murphy
got his wife pregnant
with that shamrock-potato-famine
baby dick.
Mm-hmm, good. Good stuff.
[groans] You're not listening to me!
I'm trying to do something important here.
You're right. You're right.
I'm sorry, Rosie.
It's just I am really
under the gun today.
I've got to do
all my paperwork and Pogo's.
And I got to leave at 2:30
to coach my kid's hockey team
that I volunteered for like a moron.
Meanwhile, I got to make sure
Huey and Dewey over here
don't burn the airport down trying
to put in that fucking X-ray machine.
Hey, listen, my braces
are picking up the police scanner.
-[static]
-[man] Go ahead, grab it. The safety's on.
I understand, Frank.
I'm just trying to be the first black man
to represent my district
since my people were
metaphorically freed from slavery.
I had no idea you were carrying the burden
of having to take your white children
to extracurricular activities.
Ah, thanks, pal.
I'll let you slide this time, Frank.
Plus, things should get easier for you.
Pogo's coming back
from his heart attack today.
Oh, my God, do you mean it?
Wally in the control tower just radioed
that he saw Pogo's car turning off
Lindbergh Baby Boulevard.
Oh-ho, he's back! Goddamn it,
did I miss that useless piece of shit.
-[man] Officer down! Officer down!
-[static]
How bad are you hurt?
Now we all had our problems
with Pogo in the past,
but let's try to be nice to him.
Poor guy's been through hell.
His toilet's been through worse.
[all laughing]
Pogo's so fat,
he uses cookie dough for deodorant!
[all laughing]
His titties have titties!
-Oh, man, you got it!
-[Dave] Oh, shit, here he comes!
Okay, that's it.
Leave the fat bastard alone.
-[Pogo grunting]
-[all] Oh!
[Pogo grunts]
Oh, my God, he melted.
[in raspy voice] Hello, my dear friends.
[gasps]
It lifted my spirits
to see you all smiling as I drove up.
We-- We were happy that
you look so good.
I'm so glad to be back and
[gasps] feeling great.
I cheated death, and here I am
[gasps]
the picture of health.
-[all scream]
-Ah, shit!
Don't be alarmed.
It's just my residual stomach skin.
The technical term is a panniculus,
but I've named it Gordon. [gasps]
Back to sleep, my friend.
Bob, you should go home.
This is my home.
The thought of coming back to Mohican
is what kept me alive.
Along with the kidneys
of a young Salvadorian poet.
[gasps]
I'm going to Mrs. Dunbarton
and tell her I'm reporting for duty.
Okay, I'll drive you.
[engine revs]
[engine revs]
I think Gordon is caught in the wheels.
A man has three jobs.
He teaches school 40 hours a week,
sells shoes every night from four to nine,
and fishes coins
out of municipal fountains on weekends.
How many hours a week is he working
to pay alimony to his ex-wife
and her new girlfriend?
I thought, when couples dressed alike,
it was a sign of how much
they loved each other.
Well, don't all shout the answer
out at once, Nobel laureates.
Let's see what brain excrement
the rock star
is dropping in my classroom now.
-Hey, give it back!
-Take a good look, dumb-dumbs.
This is what you get
when you fritter away
your life and mine by
Taking notes in class
and getting the answer right?
I did.
I got one right.
Oh, my God.
I finally reached a student.
Is Durkin crying?
-He's showing weakness!
-Riot!
We don't need you anymore!
Kevin is our teacher now!
Bask in my excellence!
[grunts]
Aw, shit, my car!
[rock music playing]
Cindy Lou, I love you.
Cocaine Charlie, how's the wife and kids?
Mort the good sport, bringing Vic back.
Top of the morning, buddy.
Well, it's 11:50.
But I'm feeling jovial, so I'll allow it.
I'm thrilled you're back
and part of our new team,
led by the visionary program director
we brought in from the coast,
Sandy Calabasas.
The legend himself, Vic Reynolds.
Oh, man, I never thought I'd see the day
where I'd be working alongside you.
I bow down.
You are one of the all-time greats, man.
I'm so very psyched to meet you, Sandy.
My balls are humming "hallelujah."
My testicles are also enthused.
Well, I'll leave you two "groovy buddies"
to partake in "rock 'n' roll" activities.
Is that a real shark?
It's a real painting of one.
That's even better.
I'm so happy to be home.
Thanks for letting me be a part
of what you're doing here.
Part of it? Brother, you're
not a part of it. You're a piece of it.
That sounds like the same thing, man.
Vic, you're gonna program
your own block of airtime
that's just for you
and your type of music.
Oh, man. I'm honored.
Get a load of this.
[Sandy over tape player] Vic Reynolds
presents the Kwock Oldies Block!
Sunday mornings, right before
mandated community programming!
[jingle singers]
Mandated community programming ♪
You're making me the oldies guy?
[stammers] I'm 30.
The years go by so fast, don't they?
Vic, I was brought here
to turn this sinking ship right-side up.
That means finding a brand-new sound
to put us back on top again.
The kind of sound that rocks your chakras
from the root to the crown!
Man, I'm gonna figure out what that is,
and I'm gonna do it.
[chuckles] Leave that to me.
You blazed the trail, Vic.
Let a younger man walk it.
Here, let me get you
a chair and a blanket.
I look so young there.
My therapist is making me play hockey
to deal with my anger issues.
I don't want to hurt kids.
I just want to draw hurting kids.
It won't be so bad, Phillip.
Stick by me.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Hi, Bill, how's it going?
-Ah, shit.
-Leave him alone, psycho.
I don't blame you for hating me.
I've been mean to you, Bill.
I'm just jealous that you're so smart.
Thanks, I guess.
Um, could you help me with some geography?
The capital of Thailand
is Hong Kong, right?
-No, Bangkok.
-Bangkok!
-Ow, my balls! Why?
-[children laughing]
-You stupid fuck!
-[moaning]
[laughs]
Bob, you came back at the perfect time.
Mohican needs its captain at the helm.
Is he asleep?
I'm here, Mrs. Dunbarton.
My eyelid skin is so heavy
it's hard to keep them open.
Well, I'm glad you're awake.
This is a tough time for Mohican.
Profits are down, fuel prices are up,
and those X-ray machines
have really set us back.
The government has no right to force us to
put those in after just a few hijackings.
I mean, one explosion,
they lose their head.
Whoa.
[sighs]
Mrs. Dunbarton, I am so sorry.
It's okay. I remember Roger
the way he'd want to be remembered.
With his throat un-slit.
But we all have to sacrifice
to get through these lean times.
I myself have to leave now to shut down
one of Roger's beloved charities.
Those poor bus station runaways
will never get their breast implants.
I know Tits for Tots meant a lot to him.
It saved my life.
Thank you. God bless.
Well, Bob, I'll see you later.
-I got to get out of here.
-Do me a kindness. [panting]
Walk me back to my office,
would you, Frank?
-Yeah, sure.
-[Pogo gasps]
I just have to leave at 2:45 at the latest
to pick up my kid.
[grunts] You're an angel. [panting]
Uh How do I work this?
Just pretend I'm your daughter
on her wedding day
and my back skin
is her long, extravagant train.
[rock music playing]
We are midway through
a non-stop power hour of power!
If you're driving, don't hit those brakes!
[howls]
[buzz]
Vic, if you just sit there
like that all day, I'm gonna kill myself.
He sticks me with the oldies?
After I told him my balls were humming?
Does that mean nothing anymore?
Vic, I got a wife to support.
And I got a really sick dog.
He got the parvo bad, man.
So I need this job.
But you're rich. So quit!
It's not the money.
I'm all alone in that big house.
I got nobody in my life,
except my best friend Frank.
I got to prove to Sandy
that I can find a new sound,
that I still mean something.
Because without this place,
I don't have anything to live for.
Vic, you got to look at this differently.
It's like what my father told me
when I was being shipped off to 'Nam.
-He said, "Henry, my son--"
-[buzz]
Get down to Quint City Auto Center
and take a test drive
for a chance to win
a book of green stamps!
Lick 'em till they moan!
[bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
Good luck at the auditions.
Too bad everybody hates you
'cause your mom helped
that Chinese lady kill her husband.
Our neighbor killed her husband
because he took the TV away!
Oh, come on, Dad.
Where are you?
Goddamn it!
[Pogo wheezing]
[Frank] Just a few more steps, Bob.
Here we go. Here we go.
[grunts]
There, all set for your nap, okay?
-[stammers] I really have to go now.
-[grunting]
Aw, Christ, hold on! Don't hit the floor!
[grunts]
-[horn sounds]
-Yeah!
All right, you little frozen fucks!
I want to see some physical play.
First kid to bring me a tooth
doesn't have to skate Russian circles.
Come on out, Phil.
I'm scared, Papa.
[whining]
Ow! My shame triangle.
Well, this one's fucking worthless.
You're the goalie. [grunts]
[screaming]
[horn sounds]
Way to go, Philly, you scored one!
-[whistle blows]
-Split up for scrimmage!
Jimmy, play center!
My wrath will not discriminate!
Murphy, right wing!
Murphy!
Where the fuck is Bill Murphy?
Goddamn him.
Ugh, it's my fault for believing
he'd keep his word.
Sorry, I'm late, Mr. Munson.
I thought I saw a dollar in a storm drain.
[grunting]
Bless you, Frank.
Bob, I got to go.
I got this fucking pain-in-the-ass thing
with my kid's hockey team.
I understand. Be with your boy.
Ah, it's just I wasn't thinking,
and I got roped into volunteering--
You've got to do
what feeds your soul, Frank.
When I was in that hospital,
I spent six whole weeks
with my wife and sons at my side.
It reminded me
what I truly love in this life
my job.
Your job? But your family--
I got so sick of them,
crying at my bedside,
eating the chocolates
that were meant for me!
[gasps]
Dolores washing my feet and reading to me
even after I pretended to go into a coma.
[gasps]
No, Frank, the only peace I've ever had
in my life has been at this desk.
My beautiful desk.
Bob, no.
It's family that matters.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I want to be with my son.
I'm already late to pick him up.
I got to go!
Whoa! Ah! Frank?
Christ, I'm so late.
Frank, can I go over that speech?
Taking my kid to an extracurricular!
Aw, fuck you, man!
Mister, I can't find my mommy.
She's getting tit-fucked on the tarmac!
Bill! Bill Murphy!
Has anybody seen my son?
He's not here. His old man left him
high and dry and soaking wet.
Shit!
-[tires squeal]
-[chuckles]
Shit, shit, shit! Shit!
Assistant Coach Murphy coming through!
Dad's here, Bill!
I waited in the rain for you!
Where were you?
Christ, Bill, I'm sorry.
I got stuck at work.
The X-ray machine sucks,
my boss is a skin monster,
teens aren't getting their tits,
but I'm here now.
I told you not to come,
and then you made a big deal about it,
and you still didn't come.
It was better
when you weren't pretending to try.
I have to go back to practice.
Hang on, hang on.
[grunts]
-[gasps]
-[laughs]
His face is having its period!
Don't worry, son,
it's probably just a concussion.
Go home and take it easy.
If you find yourself nodding off,
just let it happen.
-Bill, are you okay?
-Ah, when the hell did you get here?
I've been here the whole time,
just like I said I would.
Grandpa, can you take me home?
At least one kid on this team
knows what he's doing.
[moaning]
Great job, Bonfiglio!
With that melon head,
you're a natural goalie!
-Ah!
-[all cheer]
I did something good. Ah!
Come on, Dad. Where are you?
Nice audition, Maureen.
I didn't realize you were illiterate. Mm!
Ow! You almost tripped me.
Say you're sorry.
Go suck your mother's dick.
At least I have a mother.
Your mom died 'cause she didn't want
to see your ugly face anymore.
Hey, Amy!
I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house,
kills your dad,
comes to the funeral
and shits in the hole,
and then fucks your mom in the grave,
and your mom says,
"Ooh, that's the best grave shit fucking
I've ever had, Bigfoot!
What are you doing Thursday?"
[panting]
[melancholic music playing]
[weeping]
I won't let her say that about you.
[blues music playing]
[gasps] Maureen!
Goddamn it, I'll show him I still got it.
I'm Vic!
[Hank over radio]
Don't miss Grandpa Vic Reynolds
with the oldies Sunday morning,
presented
by Turteltaub and Sons Denture Glue!
[howls] Now you can eat corn!
Hey.
Huh, you're still in here.
I never left.
I might never leave again.
Oh, Sue.
Well, at least somebody had a good day.
Yeah.
Lucky rat.
-Frank!
-Oh.
Sorry.
Ah.
I was his first-born son ♪
But my daddy done sold me for a gun ♪
Having you around
makes me feel good about my life.
Sorry I'm late. I got detention
because I got a math question right.
Hey, I wrote a new song
while this kid was having
a bike chain fight with the teacher.
-You want to hear it?
-I don't have time for that, Kev.
I have to be home in two hours
to whack off to Rhoda.
No, no, it's only three minutes.
Whoa, let's hear it.
Cool. It's about
my new positive outlook on life.
It's called
"My New Positive Outlook on Life."
I'm walking on a cloud
And I'm happy as shit ♪
Feeling like a plane
With a party in the cockpit ♪
I'm dancing on a pizza
And my house is big ♪
I got a monkey for a pet
And he's wearing a wig ♪
Because I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
Mr. Twinkle in My Eye ♪
The sun is out, my pits are dry ♪
And nothing's gonna kill me ♪
Because I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
I didn't even get that high ♪
Hey, that song rocks.
Nobody's gonna tell me
a 30-year-old can't find a new sound.
Ew, you're 30?
I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
Mr. Twinkle in My Eye ♪
The sun is out, my pits are dry ♪
And nothing's gonna kill me ♪
Because I'm Mr. Happy Guy ♪
I didn't even get that high ♪
I got a good thing on my mind ♪
And now they call me Mr. Happy Guy ♪
[whirring]
[gunshot]