Fuller House (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

1 La, la la la la la, ooh Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy, the evening TV? Oh Everywhere you look Everywhere you go There's a heart, there's a heart, a hand to hold on to Everywhere you look, everywhere you go There's a face, there's a face of somebody who needs you There's a heart Everywhere you look, yeah When you're lost out there, and you're all alone A light is waiting to carry you home Everywhere you look La la la la la la Oh Ooh-ooh Hey, Kimmy, we Whoa.
Don't judge me.
I'm eating for two.
We're both full.
All right, we've got a serious problem with the Bernstein birthday party.
The singer canceled.
I can't find another one.
Why don't you play the party? You've got a kid coming and God knows, I don't pay you enough.
A kids' party? Ooh, can I wear colorful makeup and some silly costume and walk on stilts? Yeah.
Doesn't that sound like fun? No.
No, that sounds like your wedding all over again.
I am so tired.
Sharing a bed with you is no picnic.
When are you gonna trim those toenails? I had a dream I was fighting Wolverine.
Oh, a dream about Hugh Jackman.
I'm so sorry.
I want Dad to move out so I can get my room back.
Here, drink.
If you're going on Wake Up San Francisco you got to wake up.
It has it in the title "wake up.
" You need the publicity since Matt opened his pet clinic two blocks from yours.
Yeah, he did take a lot of our clients, even Captain Whiskers and Mrs.
Boots.
I delivered their children.
That used to mean something.
Where are the freaking spoons? "Freaking"? Whoa.
You kiss your podiatrist with that mouth? Dad reorganized all the drawers.
Again? Since he retired, all he does is clean and shop at Costco.
We have more pudding cups than a nursing home.
I think he's looking for a way to feel useful.
Yeah.
I think he misses being on TV.
What makes you say that? And we're back.
So, Tommy, some of your fans are dying to know: what's your favorite color? Blue.
Blue? Wow, we happen to have that color right here.
Can we get a close-up of the blue, please? Thank you, Max.
See what I mean? Aw, I missed his monologue.
That's the best part.
Check it out.
I have my first college counseling session next week.
- Oh, college.
- Aw, college.
Anyway, I listed my academic achievements, extracurriculars, and links to my dance videos.
Impressive.
How about you, Jackson? What's on your list? Nothing.
Well, what about the chess club? They kicked me out 'cause I kept calling it chest.
What am I gonna do? Well, you have plenty of time.
You can volunteer or run for Student Council Or you can just copy Ramona's list.
That's what I would do.
Not that I'm recommending that you do that, but you could.
Don't worry, Jackson.
You will find your thing.
You still have three years of high school left.
At least.
Max, you can't leave.
I need you for the cooking segment.
I I have to go to school.
Dad, are you sure you don't mind me being on your old show? Why would I mind? Maybe 'cause they hired Becky back after she turned The Gab into a hit, but you refused to audition.
Or some totally different reason.
Nope.
It, uh it doesn't bother me at all.
See? It doesn't bother him at all.
Now remember: just be yourself and talk to me like you would at home.
Oh, and don't let my neanderthal co-host make you uncomfortable.
How would he make me uncomfortable? You must be the hot lady vet.
Woof.
Oh, that's how.
Go away, Ron.
Shoo.
Enjoy the view.
Hey, Becky.
Dr.
Fuller.
Matt, why are you here? Why is he here? I don't know.
This segment was booked before I was rehired.
I'm here promoting pet adoption.
We scheduled this when we were partners.
Yeah, and I assumed you'd bow out.
And just let you get all the free publicity? Oh, that's a good point.
I'll stay out of it.
I've been working with this animal rescue for ten years.
And the truth is, we only need one of you.
- Maybe Matt should leave.
- I'm not going anywhere.
Well, I'm not going anywhere, either.
Okay, let's go have some fun.
Wake Up - And we're back.
- And we're back.
Oh, right.
That's his line now.
- Uh-oh.
What's Matt doing there? - Matt Harmon.
And this handsome guy is Digby the Dog.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm in love.
Well, I am wearing Paco Rabanne.
I consider myself quite the "colognoisseur.
" That's you? I thought Digby the Dog ate a urinal cake.
Well, Digby's first year vaccinations will be donated by Fuller Pet Care so he can stay happy and healthy.
Or you could bring him down to Harmon Better Pet Care, with me.
I'm Dr.
Matt Harmon.
I'm six-two.
I like romantic dinners, long walks on the beach, and women who can commit.
You wanna do this right now on TV? Yeah, I kinda do.
Thanks, Steve.
I had no idea Matt was still so angry.
It wasn't even his wedding I ruined.
It was yours.
Oh.
I should probably mention that I'm sorry about that.
Hey, let me call you back.
Bye, honey.
[JAMAICAN ACCENT.]
Oh, there's Dr.
Fuller, the famous TV star.
Heh heh heh.
Can it, Janet.
- At least it drummed up some business.
- Hah.
No.
I think it's these discount coupons.
50% off any service? I didn't print these.
I think I know who did.
Was it the Russians? No.
Maybe.
No.
Matt is trying to run me out of business.
Hey, everybody, I'm sorry, but these coupons are counterfeit.
What? - Oh.
- Oh, my gosh! Of course, we still offer our usual low, low prices.
And free coffee.
We have French vanilla creamer.
Actually, we're out of the French vanilla creamer.
Anyone like goat milk? I got a goat in the back.
The goat got better.
We sent her home.
You're killing me, Janet.
la la, ooh, la la Hey, Ramona, just put that on the table.
There's a table? Okay, I need skills to put on my high-school resume, so I've decided to do impressions.
Guess who this is.
My fellow Americans, my name is Barack Obama.
Yeah, I have no idea.
Ariana Grande.
Costco, Dad, again? You've got a serious problem.
You need to give me the membership card.
I can quit anytime I want to.
And you know what? Steph, I don't like your tone.
I'm limiting you to just 15 Pop-Tarts.
Okay.
Guess who this is.
I'm Grandpa.
I don't like your tone.
No more Pop-Tarts for you.
That sounded exactly like Barack Obama.
Hey, Dad, can I ask you a question? All right, honey.
Dad, are you even listening to me? Oh, I'm sorry, Steph.
I didn't even know you were still here.
You have my complete attention honey.
And when I say "honey," I mean you, honey, not Costco honey.
Kimmy offered me a chance to perform at kids' parties, but I feel like if I go down the kids' path that I won't get to be a serious musician.
Long story short, I've got a kid on the way.
Is it worth putting my dreams on hold so that I can start making some money? Steph, you know I believe in you having your dreams.
But becoming a parent changes your priorities.
There's no such thing as selling out when it comes to your kids.
Yeah I'm starting to get that.
Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome, honey.
You really want to clean that up, don't you? More than I can explain.
Not until you give me the Costco card.
Deej, I saw what that skunk Matt did on the show.
Whatever you need, I'm here for you.
Corn dog? My Yelp rating is down a whole star.
- Matt gave me a horrible review.
- How do you know Matt wrote it? He called me a bad girlfriend and signed it Dr.
Ab-tabulous.
Boy, the pretty ones are never that smart, are they? - Well, he's gonna get some payback.
- Mm.
What are we talking? Blackmail? Extortion? Flaming bag of dog poop? Worse.
I am having a dozen pizzas sent to his office.
What's he gonna do with all that pizza? He doesn't have the counter space.
Wha Hey! - What was that for? - Wake up, sister.
Matt's fighting dirty and messing with your business.
It's time to cut that six-foot piece of man candy down to fun-size.
Yeah.
I'm in.
Where do we start? At the Chinese restaurant across the alley.
I haven't had lunch yet.
[DOG BARKS.]
Make way.
Pregnant nurse pushing an old lady.
It is true.
I am very old but vibrant.
I know how to text.
Whoa.
Matt's office is much nicer than yours.
I can't compete with this.
That's why we're going nuclear.
Follow my lead.
Attention! My employer, Euphegenia T.
Whitherspoon, would like to lodge a complaint.
We brought her pet duck here for a simple bill buffering and look what Dr.
Harmon did to her beloved bird.
[CUSTOMERS GASP.]
What that man did to my poor Fillmore, it is a case of gross mallard-feasance.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hey, what's going on out here? Ooh, let's amscray, nurse.
Uh, D.
J.
? Wha Oh, I am not a D.
J.
, although, I do own a Victrola.
I know what you're up to, so if you guys would just please leave? I think he's on to us.
I love your hat.
Here, take it.
[GASPS.]
Thank you.
It's my lucky day.
D.
J.
, I asked you to leave, so I'm not D.
J.
I'm Gladys.
Aah! [TIRES SCREECHING, HORNS HONKING.]
Oh, my Kimberlina.
I don't know where it's more exciting: your recent act of retribution against that pretty-boy veterinarian.
Or the alluring effect of your stiffly starched uniform and sensible shoes.
Fernando, I need to talk to Kimmy.
I also have needs.
Take a hike, Fifty Shades.
Kimmy, you were right.
With the baby on the way, I need to start thinking more like a provider.
So the next time you need a singer for a kids' party, - maybe you can let me know.
- I'd be happy to, Steph.
I want you and this squirt to have everything you need.
Thanks for looking out for me.
For us.
Hey, it may be your baby, but like it or not, I'm kind of attached to it.
Thanks, Kimmy.
[FERNANDO, SING-SONG.]
Oh, nurse! Why is he in our house? [DOORBELL RINGS.]
[POUNDING ON DOOR.]
Hey, Danny.
Is D.
J.
here? Well, she's on her way.
Would you care to wait? Yes.
No.
You know what? Sure.
Why not? So, Matt, Kimmy told me that she and D.
J.
paid you a little visit this afternoon.
I also heard about the fake coupons and the Yelp review.
That wasn't me.
But she deserved it.
Matt can I offer you some advice? Please.
Look.
I know that you and D.
J.
have had your ups and downs.
But I'm sorry.
This just doesn't feel right.
Much better.
Why are we up here? It's starting to feel like a Dateline special.
I don't know.
I've always given my best advice in the kids' bedrooms.
Matt, listen.
I know you and D.
J.
have meant a lot to each other.
But you've gotta stop this feud, or you'll put each other out of business.
You're telling me, Danny.
I've invested everything I've had into opening my own place.
I mean, do you have any idea how much I spent on doggie blow dryers? They're great for body and shine, but at what cost? Maybe you wanted to hurt D.
J.
the way you felt she hurt you.
Pretty childish, huh? Well, for what it's worth, I know D.
J.
took your break-up pretty seriously.
It's funny how two good people can sometimes just bring out the worst in each other.
Matt? I don't know what he told you, Dad, but he started it.
Your dad and I were just talking.
Matt wanted some advice, and the bedroom was free, so I Look, I'm sorry about today.
The old lady and the duck and What duck? Not important.
Okay, Deej, look I'm sorry, too.
You know, I think I was just hurt by the way things ended between us.
FYI - he didn't make that connection until I told him.
We're lucky to have you, Dad.
Matt, I didn't mean to hurt you.
Or to create such a mess.
We were such great business partners.
Sometimes I wish we could just start over.
Yeah.
I mean, I miss having someone help manage things.
Yeah, when we did surgery together, it was like you were in my head.
This is going pretty well, don't you think? What would really make me look good is if you two would shake hands and become business partners again.
I might be willing.
Put her there, partner.
It's good to be back in business.
We are really in debt.
Ooh-ooh - Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Steph.
You want some cherry pancakes? A cherry omelette? Cherry Benedict? It's funny.
That was my party name in college.
I'm just kidding.
I didn't go to college.
Oh, really? Then where did my tuition checks go? It's water under the bridge, Dad.
Anyways, I took your advice about adjusting my priorities.
I'm gonna sing at kids' parties for extra money.
- I'm glad I could help.
- Kinda like you helped Matt and D.
J.
I got to admit, it's nice to feel useful once in a while.
That's your gift, Dad.
Your talent is communicating, not binge-shopping at Costco.
It's what made you so good on TV.
I was good, wasn't I? Yeah.
And I know you miss it, so as much as we love having you around constantly, 24 hours a day seven days a week Are you subtly telling me that you think I should go back to work? That was not meant to be subtle.
Wake up [THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
In our next hour, author Andrew Gottlieb gives us tips on how to keep the romance alive in your marriage.
Tip one - different ringtones for the wife and girlfriend.
Hey-oh.
We'll be right back.
Megan, I was wrong for refusing to audition, but it's obvious Ron and Becky have no chemistry.
Danny, we've been over that.
Hey, any personnel changes I should know about? Any? Huh? Please, please.
No.
Danny, you know I'm a fan.
I'm available.
And Ron can go back to sports.
Or not sports.
Anywhere but here.
[MAN.]
Ten seconds - Aren't you on the air? - Oh, that's right.
Keep me posted.
Think about it, Megan.
San Francisco's favorite couple back together? It's highly promotable.
Look, Ron may be rough around the edges, but he has my full confidence.
Wake up [THEME MUSIC PLAYS.]
Welcome back.
Coming up, a talk about sexual harassment in the workplace.
A serious issue, sweet cheeks.
Boop.
[GASPS.]
Ron, you arrogant piece of And we're back.
Wake up [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
And we are so happy to have you back.
Oh, I'm happy to be here, Becky.
By the way, how'd you get into make-up so fast? Oh, well, actually, I already put a little base on.
The lighting in Costco is very unforgiving.
So E-Scooters - are they stealing your data or just revolutionizing the way that we get hit by cars? Hey, guys.
Dinner's ready.
You okay? I'm 15.
How could I have not discovered one thing that I'm good at? You're good at plenty of things.
Yeah.
You're a pretty decent brother.
You're a wonderful son.
And you're kind and thoughtful.
I can't put that on my form, Mom.
But those things matter, Jackson.
You'll have time to discover the other things that make you special.
Everyone else seems to know what they're good at and where they're going.
Why don't I? Oh, my Atlanta Falcons! [THUD, CAR ALARM BLARING.]
Wow.
I'd say you just discovered one of your hidden talents.
Really? What? - The football.
- I'll get it later.
Stop interrupting so Mom can tell me about my hidden talent.
Jackson, that was an amazing kick.
Really? You think it was good enough to get me on the football team? Oh.
Yeah, you know how I feel about you playing football.
You don't want me to get hurt, but the kicker never gets tackled.
Come on, Mom.
Fine.
If you make the team, you can play.
- Now go get your ball.
- Yes.
Oh, what did I just do? You either helped him get into college or you broke every bone in his body.
Either way, I get my own room.
Oh, false alarm.
There is no corn thief.
Apparently D.
J.
brought it out before the rest of the platters.
Well, aside from one very uncomfortable 30-second conversation in the kitchen, um, I had a pretty amazing day.
I mean, it was like Becky and I didn't miss a beat.
I really bring out the best in her.
Seeing you two together again was like reliving my entire childhood.
I know.
Becky hasn't aged a bit.
What about me? Your voice is very similar.
Thank you, Kimmy.
All right.
Now that everybody is here, I have an announcement to make.
Don't try to talk me out of it, but I rented a duplex nearby and at the end of the month, I'm moving out.
- No! - Dad! [OVERLAPPING CHATTER.]
Oh, thank you all for faking so sincerely.
I'll miss you, too.
I'll miss you.
[CARLY RAE JEPSEN.]
One, two, three, four.
Oh [THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
La la la la la la Oh