Futurama s04e03 Episode Script
3ACV18 - Anthology of Interest (2)
Anthology of Interest 2 There.
I've finished fine-tuning|my What If Machine.
It can answer any "What if," accurate|to one-tenth of a plausibility unit.
That's so plausible! Who wants to see an|alternate reality? I want to know what would|happen if I were human.
Being a robot's great,|but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes|me very sad.
Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again!|Well, let's give baby what he wants.
What if Bender were human? Good news! I've invented a|way to turn Bender into a human using the process I call|reverse fossilization.
How does it work? In regular fossilization, flesh|and bone turn to minerals.
Realizing that, it was simple|to reverse the process.
I've already tested it by turning|the toaster into a raccoon.
Kind of gamy.
Ready, Bender? I don't know.
I'm beginning to|have some second thoughts Cover your shame, mon! It worked! Eat it, everyone who's|never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy.
So this is a human body, huh? Neat!|Hey! My antenna's gone! Nah, it just moved.
I'm not getting|good reception on it, though.
Maybe if I wiggle it around No! You'll make God cry! Well, let's see what kind of|things this body can do.
Hey, that's pretty fun!|Being human is great! Hooray! It's just like Mardi Gras.
Come into the bathroom|and look at this! You won't believe it! Bender, it's okay to be proud,|but don't be a showoff.
You look a lot better|than you used to.
You're not so bad yourself, big boy.
Hey, that felt great!|Nah, it's not working anymore.
Speak for yourself.
Whoa, this is awesome! - You drank and smoked as a robot.
|- But now it's bad for me! Woo! Speaking of which, try these nachos.
Why didn't anyone tell me|tasting things tasted so good? What's going on? That rhythm, it's|doing something to my human butt! Bender, part of being human|is having self-control.
I bet I can eat nachos and go to|the bathroom at the same time! No, Bender!|Stop him! - Just let me go!|- No! Come, Bender.
|It's time to go home and rest.
I need you in top shape when I present|you to the Nobel Prize Committee.
Bender? Goodbye moderation! Is Bender still missing for a week?|Where is he? As I've said before,|I used reverse fossilization which is the reverse of|regular, uh, eh We found him! Ah! Then without further stalling for|time, I present to the Nobel judges the first robot ever|turned into a human! My God! He needs medical attention! Pulse, 300.
Liver, failing.
|Cholesterol, 40? - Well, that's not so bad.
|- No, I mean 40 pounds! This scientific breakthrough heralds a new dawn in|human-robot relations.
Yes.
Come here and give old Bender a kiss.
Hey, you like grilled cheese? And, uh, that's why I believe|I deserve the Nobel Prize.
Not only do you not|deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this man-ball|upon the world but you are hereby kicked out|of the Academy of Science! Wait! As men of science,|are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have|tried my way of life for yourselves.
Young man, you've opened our minds and|swayed our hearts.
Let us therefore Party! Hey, everybody! - Party!|- Woo-hoo! Party! Bender, you were right.
You've lived more in one|week of being human than the rest of us have|in our entire lives.
Woo! And so, to recognize your|achievements I hereby award you the Nobel|Prize in, uh, Chemistry.
Care to say a few words? He's dead.
When did he die? About twelve hours ago|when the party started.
But he just said "Woo! " No, that was air escaping|from the folds of his fat.
Woo! Good night, sweet prince.
You were the|greatest man any of us will ever know.
Let's get him out of here.
He's|starting to smell up the joint.
Woo! Woo! Woo! You watched it.
You can't|un-watch it.
Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest.
Who else has a question for the What|If Machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor? I'm good at video games|and bad at everything else.
I wish life was like a video game.
Can you say that as a question? What if that thing I said? Oh, great machine, we beseech thee.
What if life were more|like a video game? Hello, ignorant pigs.
Drop your|crack pipes and your beer bongs and watch as I sign|an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of|Planet Nintendu 64.
Wait.
I know that monkey!|His name is Donkey! Monkeys aren't donkeys.
|Quit messing with my head! I'll just put the old|John Q.
Nixon on it.
There.
No major crap-ups.
|You're on, Mr.
Ambassador.
What the? Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war|has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants|of peace! Mr.
Fry, you know the secrets|of the video game "Chance.
" Step into the War Room.
You're meeting with|General Colin Packman.
What can you tell us|about the Nintendians? I spent all of ninth grade|studying them except the day my eyeballs started|to bleed, and in my opinion Quickly! To the escape tunnels.
This way, damn it! Delicious!|Just like stale marshmallows! And a cherry! Hey, watch out! - Uh-oh!|- Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead! - It's okay! I had another guy!|- Hooray! Invaders, possibly from space! People of Earth, I am Lrrr|of the Planet Nintendu 64.
Tremble in fear at our three|different kinds of ships.
All right.
It's Saturday night.
I have|no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape.
|Let's rock! We're losing ships.
What should I do? Increase speed, drop down|and reverse direction! I've still got a trick|or two up my sleeve.
Watch as I fire upwards|through our own shield! He's a madman! A madman! It's working! Victory's assured! My retirement tomorrow|will be all the sweeter! I'm hit! So cold.
No! Amy, tend to the Widow Packman.
Drop down and increase speed! One ship is left only! - Come on, Fry! Get it!|- It's moving too fast! I could never get the last one!|My brother always got it for me! Drop down! Reverse direction!|Prepare for landing! You are defeated! Instead of shooting where I was, you|should have shot where I was going! All your base are belong to us.
- What do you monsters want?|- One thing, and one thing only: Quarters! A million allowances worth|of quarters! No slugs or tokens! Fork them over! Forget it, you pixelated pirates!|We need quarters to do our laundry! - Yeah!|- Right on! But space invaders need|to do laundry, too.
Look at Donkey Kong.
|Have you smelled his loincloth? - Yes.
|- Go away! We're not giving you our quarters! What if we put our laundry in with|yours? Would that be okay? - I guess so.
|- Okay, that settles that.
But if this cape shrinks,|consider your species extinct! Bravo! That'll be hard|to top! I pity the next Tale of Interest! Well, there's time for|one last question.
Let's turn to the Who Asked|Machine to see who's next.
Um, uh Amy.
I mean Leela.
As an alien who was|abandoned on Earth I've never really|belonged anywhere.
Boo-hoo! Ow! So my question is this:|What if I found my true home? Ow! Where are we? Nibbler, I don't think we're|in New New York anymore.
Jeez, apparently the phrase "Tone it|down" doesn't exist on this planet.
Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back|into the ship! Nice boots.
Yuck! Look, everyone!|She killed the Man-Witch of the West! A witch? That explains how these|boots magically appeared on my feet! No, you stole them.
We saw you! Well, it's hard to find|shoes that fit me.
Who are you people? Haven't I seen|you in some copyrighted movie? We resemble but are legally distinct|from the Lollypop Guild, the Lollypop Greetings!|I'm the Cute Witch of the North! Can anyone fix my ship so I can go? Ask the Professor.
He lives in the Emerald Laboratory|down Martin Luther King Boulevard.
- You mean that Yellow Brick Road?|- The city council re-named it in 1975.
- Those are great shoes!|- Oh, thank you.
Do they come in women's sizes? Crow, prepare to be scared.
"Then, the car honked its own horn! " A talking scarecrow.
Want to come|with us to see the Professor? - He might give you a brain.
|- Hey! That's not nice to say.
Beer! Beer! Whiskey okay? Are you off to see the Professor?|'Cause I could use a heart.
A human heart.
I need to pump a|lot of blood out of my basement.
And I'm the other guy.
Courage.
Not enough of it.
|Need some from what's-his-name.
Damn this DSL! Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them! You promised you'd bake|monkey cake today! By "monkey cake," I meant your ass! We've been skipping for hours.
|I need to pull over and take "The Wiz.
" What, do I smell or something? Oh.
- Why'd you bring us here?|- Why'd I have to take a cab? Here's why I brought you,|you twice-baked barf bags! I've always wanted a daughter to love.
|You want to get adopted, you skank? Live here and be a witch like you?|Yeah.
As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance at the equinox.
- Absolutely.
|- Oh, Mommy! I found my true home! - That's great, Leela!|- I've heard worse excuses to drink.
I'm melting! Oh! Who would have thought a small amount|of liquid would ever fall on me? Well, no point letting|her go to waste.
- Yes?|- We're here to see the Professor.
- No one sees the mighty Professor!|Who's there? Visitors? - I want to see them!|- It's nobody! Now, sign that will.
- He's not here.
|- Oh, for the love of Benji.
I am the Professor!|Great and, uh, forgetful! Now, what do you nice kids want? Nothing! But if you have extra courage,|I'd haul it away for you maybe? Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly|lobster! You don't need courage.
After all, who needs courage|when you have a gun? Now, world.
You put your hands up! - Lad, all you need is a brain.
|- Why does everyone keep saying that? This is a stickup!|Give me the bag, old man! Here you go, my friend.
|5000 Professor Land fun bucks! - Oh, crap.
|- You want to go home, right? No.
Not anymore.
|I want to be the new Wicked Witch.
Nonsense.
Click your big honking|boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas to live with your dirt-farming,|teetotaling aunt and uncle.
Uh, all right.
Here I go.
There's no place like|I want to be a witch! Oh, no! Help! What's happening? Uh, sorry.
I think there's a problem|with your upstairs toilet.
Wake up! Are you all right?|You got hit on the head.
I was having a wonderful dream.
Except you were there.
|And you.
And you.
Never mind, she came to.
- Oh, so close.
|- There's always next year.
There's always next year.
I've finished fine-tuning|my What If Machine.
It can answer any "What if," accurate|to one-tenth of a plausibility unit.
That's so plausible! Who wants to see an|alternate reality? I want to know what would|happen if I were human.
Being a robot's great,|but we don't have emotions and sometimes that makes|me very sad.
Oh, Lordy Lou, there he goes again!|Well, let's give baby what he wants.
What if Bender were human? Good news! I've invented a|way to turn Bender into a human using the process I call|reverse fossilization.
How does it work? In regular fossilization, flesh|and bone turn to minerals.
Realizing that, it was simple|to reverse the process.
I've already tested it by turning|the toaster into a raccoon.
Kind of gamy.
Ready, Bender? I don't know.
I'm beginning to|have some second thoughts Cover your shame, mon! It worked! Eat it, everyone who's|never won a Nobel Prize! And that includes you, Amy.
So this is a human body, huh? Neat!|Hey! My antenna's gone! Nah, it just moved.
I'm not getting|good reception on it, though.
Maybe if I wiggle it around No! You'll make God cry! Well, let's see what kind of|things this body can do.
Hey, that's pretty fun!|Being human is great! Hooray! It's just like Mardi Gras.
Come into the bathroom|and look at this! You won't believe it! Bender, it's okay to be proud,|but don't be a showoff.
You look a lot better|than you used to.
You're not so bad yourself, big boy.
Hey, that felt great!|Nah, it's not working anymore.
Speak for yourself.
Whoa, this is awesome! - You drank and smoked as a robot.
|- But now it's bad for me! Woo! Speaking of which, try these nachos.
Why didn't anyone tell me|tasting things tasted so good? What's going on? That rhythm, it's|doing something to my human butt! Bender, part of being human|is having self-control.
I bet I can eat nachos and go to|the bathroom at the same time! No, Bender!|Stop him! - Just let me go!|- No! Come, Bender.
|It's time to go home and rest.
I need you in top shape when I present|you to the Nobel Prize Committee.
Bender? Goodbye moderation! Is Bender still missing for a week?|Where is he? As I've said before,|I used reverse fossilization which is the reverse of|regular, uh, eh We found him! Ah! Then without further stalling for|time, I present to the Nobel judges the first robot ever|turned into a human! My God! He needs medical attention! Pulse, 300.
Liver, failing.
|Cholesterol, 40? - Well, that's not so bad.
|- No, I mean 40 pounds! This scientific breakthrough heralds a new dawn in|human-robot relations.
Yes.
Come here and give old Bender a kiss.
Hey, you like grilled cheese? And, uh, that's why I believe|I deserve the Nobel Prize.
Not only do you not|deserve a Nobel Prize for loosing this man-ball|upon the world but you are hereby kicked out|of the Academy of Science! Wait! As men of science,|are not your minds open to new ideas? I say, do not judge me until you have|tried my way of life for yourselves.
Young man, you've opened our minds and|swayed our hearts.
Let us therefore Party! Hey, everybody! - Party!|- Woo-hoo! Party! Bender, you were right.
You've lived more in one|week of being human than the rest of us have|in our entire lives.
Woo! And so, to recognize your|achievements I hereby award you the Nobel|Prize in, uh, Chemistry.
Care to say a few words? He's dead.
When did he die? About twelve hours ago|when the party started.
But he just said "Woo! " No, that was air escaping|from the folds of his fat.
Woo! Good night, sweet prince.
You were the|greatest man any of us will ever know.
Let's get him out of here.
He's|starting to smell up the joint.
Woo! Woo! Woo! You watched it.
You can't|un-watch it.
Stay tuned for more Tales of Interest.
Who else has a question for the What|If Machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor? I'm good at video games|and bad at everything else.
I wish life was like a video game.
Can you say that as a question? What if that thing I said? Oh, great machine, we beseech thee.
What if life were more|like a video game? Hello, ignorant pigs.
Drop your|crack pipes and your beer bongs and watch as I sign|an historic peace accord with Ambassador Kong of|Planet Nintendu 64.
Wait.
I know that monkey!|His name is Donkey! Monkeys aren't donkeys.
|Quit messing with my head! I'll just put the old|John Q.
Nixon on it.
There.
No major crap-ups.
|You're on, Mr.
Ambassador.
What the? Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war|has rolled onto our laps and ruined our white pants|of peace! Mr.
Fry, you know the secrets|of the video game "Chance.
" Step into the War Room.
You're meeting with|General Colin Packman.
What can you tell us|about the Nintendians? I spent all of ninth grade|studying them except the day my eyeballs started|to bleed, and in my opinion Quickly! To the escape tunnels.
This way, damn it! Delicious!|Just like stale marshmallows! And a cherry! Hey, watch out! - Uh-oh!|- Oh, my God! He ate Fry! Fry is dead! - It's okay! I had another guy!|- Hooray! Invaders, possibly from space! People of Earth, I am Lrrr|of the Planet Nintendu 64.
Tremble in fear at our three|different kinds of ships.
All right.
It's Saturday night.
I have|no date, a two-liter bottle of Shasta and my all-Rush mix tape.
|Let's rock! We're losing ships.
What should I do? Increase speed, drop down|and reverse direction! I've still got a trick|or two up my sleeve.
Watch as I fire upwards|through our own shield! He's a madman! A madman! It's working! Victory's assured! My retirement tomorrow|will be all the sweeter! I'm hit! So cold.
No! Amy, tend to the Widow Packman.
Drop down and increase speed! One ship is left only! - Come on, Fry! Get it!|- It's moving too fast! I could never get the last one!|My brother always got it for me! Drop down! Reverse direction!|Prepare for landing! You are defeated! Instead of shooting where I was, you|should have shot where I was going! All your base are belong to us.
- What do you monsters want?|- One thing, and one thing only: Quarters! A million allowances worth|of quarters! No slugs or tokens! Fork them over! Forget it, you pixelated pirates!|We need quarters to do our laundry! - Yeah!|- Right on! But space invaders need|to do laundry, too.
Look at Donkey Kong.
|Have you smelled his loincloth? - Yes.
|- Go away! We're not giving you our quarters! What if we put our laundry in with|yours? Would that be okay? - I guess so.
|- Okay, that settles that.
But if this cape shrinks,|consider your species extinct! Bravo! That'll be hard|to top! I pity the next Tale of Interest! Well, there's time for|one last question.
Let's turn to the Who Asked|Machine to see who's next.
Um, uh Amy.
I mean Leela.
As an alien who was|abandoned on Earth I've never really|belonged anywhere.
Boo-hoo! Ow! So my question is this:|What if I found my true home? Ow! Where are we? Nibbler, I don't think we're|in New New York anymore.
Jeez, apparently the phrase "Tone it|down" doesn't exist on this planet.
Oh, no! We hit someone! Quick, back|into the ship! Nice boots.
Yuck! Look, everyone!|She killed the Man-Witch of the West! A witch? That explains how these|boots magically appeared on my feet! No, you stole them.
We saw you! Well, it's hard to find|shoes that fit me.
Who are you people? Haven't I seen|you in some copyrighted movie? We resemble but are legally distinct|from the Lollypop Guild, the Lollypop Greetings!|I'm the Cute Witch of the North! Can anyone fix my ship so I can go? Ask the Professor.
He lives in the Emerald Laboratory|down Martin Luther King Boulevard.
- You mean that Yellow Brick Road?|- The city council re-named it in 1975.
- Those are great shoes!|- Oh, thank you.
Do they come in women's sizes? Crow, prepare to be scared.
"Then, the car honked its own horn! " A talking scarecrow.
Want to come|with us to see the Professor? - He might give you a brain.
|- Hey! That's not nice to say.
Beer! Beer! Whiskey okay? Are you off to see the Professor?|'Cause I could use a heart.
A human heart.
I need to pump a|lot of blood out of my basement.
And I'm the other guy.
Courage.
Not enough of it.
|Need some from what's-his-name.
Damn this DSL! Fly, my stupids! Fly out and get them! You promised you'd bake|monkey cake today! By "monkey cake," I meant your ass! We've been skipping for hours.
|I need to pull over and take "The Wiz.
" What, do I smell or something? Oh.
- Why'd you bring us here?|- Why'd I have to take a cab? Here's why I brought you,|you twice-baked barf bags! I've always wanted a daughter to love.
|You want to get adopted, you skank? Live here and be a witch like you?|Yeah.
As long as I get to hurt people and not just dance at the equinox.
- Absolutely.
|- Oh, Mommy! I found my true home! - That's great, Leela!|- I've heard worse excuses to drink.
I'm melting! Oh! Who would have thought a small amount|of liquid would ever fall on me? Well, no point letting|her go to waste.
- Yes?|- We're here to see the Professor.
- No one sees the mighty Professor!|Who's there? Visitors? - I want to see them!|- It's nobody! Now, sign that will.
- He's not here.
|- Oh, for the love of Benji.
I am the Professor!|Great and, uh, forgetful! Now, what do you nice kids want? Nothing! But if you have extra courage,|I'd haul it away for you maybe? Oh, blithery poop, my cowardly|lobster! You don't need courage.
After all, who needs courage|when you have a gun? Now, world.
You put your hands up! - Lad, all you need is a brain.
|- Why does everyone keep saying that? This is a stickup!|Give me the bag, old man! Here you go, my friend.
|5000 Professor Land fun bucks! - Oh, crap.
|- You want to go home, right? No.
Not anymore.
|I want to be the new Wicked Witch.
Nonsense.
Click your big honking|boots together three times and wish to go home to Kansas to live with your dirt-farming,|teetotaling aunt and uncle.
Uh, all right.
Here I go.
There's no place like|I want to be a witch! Oh, no! Help! What's happening? Uh, sorry.
I think there's a problem|with your upstairs toilet.
Wake up! Are you all right?|You got hit on the head.
I was having a wonderful dream.
Except you were there.
|And you.
And you.
Never mind, she came to.
- Oh, so close.
|- There's always next year.
There's always next year.