Ghosts (2021) s04e03 Episode Script

1
Ah, and that was I Feel Pretty,
underrated Amy Schumer flick.
What did you guys think?
Honestly, I don't know why I even ask.
SAMANTHA: Hey, Jay?
Check out this cool
Halloween decoration I got.
[DECORATION CACKLING]
[PATIENCE SHRIEKS]
She hath made the gourd speak!
She is a witch!
No, Patience, it's motion activated.
Battery Never mind.
Wait, does Patience not
know about Halloween?
Oh, she is going to lose
her Satan-hating mind.
- Halloween?
- It's a holiday: there's candy, kids dress up.
Women dress down. It's
like Purim, but hornier.
We used to hate Halloween,
but then Sam moved in,
started leading a seance every
year, where she brings back
a different dead person
for us to hang out with.
[GASPS]
She summons the dead?
I must take leave from
thine evil presence.
Ooh, my bad.
So Patience doesn't seem
like a huge fan of Halloween.
Babe, I don't think we
should do Halloween this year.
- SAMANTHA AND PETE: What?
- [TREVOR AND ALBERTA CLAMORING]
Three years ago, our gazebo burned down.
Two years ago, you almost died.
Last year, a woman did die.
Talk about a witch. [LAUGHS]
Little ex-wife humor.
And now we got a
Puritan ghost who spurts
blood out of the walls when she's angry.
How do you think she's
gonna react to seeing a bunch
of kids dressed up
like demons and zombies?
But, Jay, I love Halloween.
Don't you think you're
overreacting a little bit?
I wanted to wear my Atari shirt today.
Do you know why I'm not wearing
my Atari shirt today, Sam?
'Cause the wall blood
wouldn't come out of it.
- The man makes a fair point.
- SAMANTHA: Fine.
I guess we'll just have the
most boring Halloween ever.
Happy, Jay?
I won't be happy
until this Halloween has
passed and no one has died.
Love a man who sets a
low bar. That's my guy.
♪
HETTY: This is outrageous!
Someone stop this maniac!
He has plans to sell my treasures.
What's going on?
HETTY: Well, in lieu of
anything fun this year,
Jay and Samantha are planning
a Halloween yard sale.
Oh, no, if they sell the yard,
where will we chase butterflies?
Oh, yeah, this stuffed raven
should get at least five bucks.
Are you mad?!
We paid six in 1880!
Do you have any idea what
that's worth in today's dollars?
That is a genuine question.
As a woman, I wasn't
allowed to study math.
ISAAC: Attention, everyone.
Patience wishes to address you all.
You have the floor.
Evil walks among us.
The one you call Samantha,
who can summon the dead
and predict the weather.
Well, the weather one is literally
just an app on her phone.
She must be held to account.
Hence, we will try her as a witch.
[GASPS] A witch trial.
I mean, how Halloween is that?
Isaac, why are you encouraging this?
'Cause as an acute observer
of the political winds,
I am trying stay on her good side.
Obviously, I don't believe
in all of this witch business,
but she's powerful, she's scary,
and I for one support her.
What sayeth you all?
Well, we literally
have nothing else to do
since Sam and Jay canceled Halloween.
HETTY: Seems like a
harmless enough diversion.
And I do love judging people.
ISAAC: Oh, there's the accused now.
Looking unusually feminine.
Is that my old dress?
Oh, is it? I found it when we
were clearing out the ballroom.
It's kind of Halloween-y.
Unless Jay says something
and then it's just a dress.
Samantha, some news:
you are hereby on trial for witchcraft.
It was Patience's idea and I
for one think it's brilliant.
How dost thou plead?
Oh, Patience.
Things have changed
in the past 400 years.
Instead of turning on each other,
women should be lifting each other up.
[GASPS] She speaks of levitation!
She's a witch.
I'm sorry, it's politics.
Okay, my point is, women don't need
to tear each other down anymore.
We are no longer second-class citizens.
We can do anything that men can do.
Sam, you said you wanted a couple guys
to help lift the heavy
stuff for the yard sale?
Yes, thank you, Mark.
But just because there's a lot of stuff.
Not because I'm a woman.
Okay.
So does an afternoon trial work for you?
We're pretty open.
Yeah, I'm not participating in this.
Then ye shall be tried in absentia.
SAMANTHA: Cool, someone
let me know if I'm a witch.
I'm going to go say goodbye to the yard.
MARK: Hey, Jay?
There's another one.
Wow, there's so much stuff
in that creepy old ballroom.
Where we hosted presidents and royalty.
And ate what we were told was
the last Chinese river dolphin.
Turns out we were wrong. Swindled.
Some people have no ethics.
Flower, what are you doing?
Saying goodbye to
individual blades of grass.
I'll miss you, Larry.
- Goodbye, Steve.
- SAMANTHA: Hi, babe.
How's the yard sale going?
Whoa, whoa, what is all this?
Oh, uh, the rake? I just
thought I'd tidy up out here.
No, no, I mean the Bridgerton costume.
Which, objectively, wow!
But it's a costume!
Okay, fine.
So what? I like Halloween.
We're not having a party,
we're not bringing anyone
back from the dead.
Just let us know if you need help.
So just let me have this.
How much is this lizard bat thing?
How did that get out here?
Uh, I'm so sorry.
That's actually not for sale.
And for the record,
it's called a quasit.
Thank you for clearing that up, Jay.
Uh, but can I interest you
in, um, I don't know, like,
a mummy-looking thing?
It's just right over there.
That's got to be fake, right?
As far as the Egyptian
government is concerned.
ISAAC: Samantha, are
you sure you don't want
to participate in your witch trial?
I mean, you're kind of the star.
No, Isaac, the whole thing's a joke.
- What's a joke?
- Patience accused me of being a witch,
so now, because we canceled Halloween
and they have nothing else to do,
they're hosting a witch trial.
What? [STAMMERS]
Why didn't you tell me this?
- This is bad.
- It's just dumb ghost stuff.
So, what, they decide I'm a witch?
Then what?
Babe, it's Patience.
Okay? It's not another
ghost like Alberta,
with a lame humming power.
- Watch it.
- JAY: Or Hetty,
who doesn't even have a power.
That we know of!
[LAUGHING]: Oh, he is roasting you two.
Okay, Founding Farter.
[GASPS] JAY: My point is,
Patience is not to be trifled with.
And I'll just leave you with this.
Historically, witch trials?
They don't end well for the witches.
ISAAC: Hmm.
You should really refer
to her as "the accused."
I mean, it's not
looking good, but still.
No! You stepped on Derrick!
Murderer!
Oh, Mrs. Farnsby, hi.
Hey, Sam, could you tell me more
about this beautiful antique
table you've got over here?
Do you think it could
support two or more adults?
Ooh, those swingers are
gonna do it on that table.
Ha!
And lastly, what about her ability
to speaketh to all of ye?
She walketh amongst the living,
yet speaketh to the dead?
She's making some good points.
And, also, the toast thing,
where she warmeth the bread
with the devil's tongue?
Although some arguments
are stronger than others.
Okay, first of all, that was
a great closing statement.
I began the day a skeptic,
but after that eloquent summary,
I'm voting witch.
- What say the rest of ye?
- PETE: Obviously,
Sam is not a witch.
- Not guilty.
- TREVOR: Well,
she did cancel Halloween
and didn't bring back the hot maid.
So I'm gonna go witch.
She's selling my penguin leashes.
She's a witch.
FLOWER: I just don't think
Sam killed that vagrant.
The issue is whether
or not Sam is a witch.
Oh!
Well, then, yeah,
she's probably a witch.
Oh, this is crazy, that
woman buys my Momoa magazines.
Not guilty.
THORFINN: Fun fact.
Vikings believed in witches,
we called them "volva."
[CHUCKLES] Who is that fun for?
Guess not people who
wear small ugly hats.
- We need an answer.
- THORFINN: Fine.
Sam volva, Sam volva.
There we have it. The group has spoken.
Sam is a witch, and,
Patience, once again,
thank you for a delightful diversion,
This was fun.
She hath been convicted,
now for the punishment.
ISAAC: Oh, okay.
- There's a part two.
- For the crime of witchcraft,
Samantha is hereby sentenced
to petrification.
She shall be turned to stone.
Well, I guess Jay better get used
to some stiff conversations.
[LAUGHTER]
- Why dost thou chortle at Patience?
- PETE: Oh, sorry.
Sorry, we shouldn't have laughed.
Also, we shouldn't have
taken Sam for granite.
[LAUGHTER]
- Hey-oh!
- PATIENCE: Laugh. But ye will see.
Her flesh and bone will harden
with the swift judgement from above.
- Isn't bone already hard?
- Silence!
ISAAC: I am so sorry about them.
Bone is soft if you say it is.
Sam? Sam?
Where Hey, Mark.
Have you seen Sam?
She was just here.
Hey, how much for this dragon trophy?
How did that That's not for sale.
Uh, guys?
Does that statue look like Sam to you?
TREVOR: That's funny.
I guess it kind of does.
Wait.
The dress.
The Bridgerton hair.
HETTY: That's the rake she was holding.
[ALL GASP]
ALBERTA: Oh, my God.
Patience turned Sam into stone.
What the hell is a penguin leash?
Hey, Jay, is this made for penguins
or made out of penguins?
Both. Now put that down.
Are you sure you've never
seen this statue before?
I have never seen this
thing in my life or since.
Okay, we just got to talk to Patience.
Maybe she can undo it.
If you can hear me, Sam
[WHISPERS]: I voted not guilty.
[EXHALES]
Patience, this is insane.
You have to turn Sam back.
Patience more powerful
than Thor ever imagine.
Man, have I hitched my
wagon to the right pony.
Of course I will miss Flesh Samantha,
as she will heretofore be known.
ALBERTA: Come on, Patience!
- Is there a way to fix Sam?
- There is.
But she was convicted.
This is your doing.
Well, we didn't know it was real.
We thought it was a joke, like where
does the general hide his armies?
In his sleevies! That kind of thing!
Who's chortling now?
Not me, for laughter is forbidden.
[GASPS]
Mm
- [GASPS]
- [GRUNTS]
Uh, guys.
Jay is selling Sam.
- [GASPS] What?
- That not good.
Trevor, you text Jay from the iPad.
We'll go outside and
yell at Jay impotently.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
I'll give you six bucks for it.
JAY: Ugh.
I don't know, man.
Okay, Jay may not know
that's the love of his life,
but he must know that
stone's worth way more than
- Seven bucks.
- Sold.
- Oh, come on!
- Oh
Someone do something.
Perhaps finally, in this
most urgent moment of need,
my heretofore dormant
ghost power will emerge.
You still got nothing.
Like your humming thing's so cool.
Goodbye, Samantha.
- Enjoy new home.
- Oh!
[GRUNTS] Get in there.
This is insane! Sam,
we're trying to help!
No! That's her head.
- I'll see you.
- ALBERTA: Oh!
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- What the ?
Trevor. Oh.
"The statue is Sam."
- What does that even mean?
- [TRUCK ENGINE STARTS]
- Oh, come on.
- [TRUCK DRIVING AWAY]
I'll give chase.
- 'Cause I can leave the property.
- Not now, Peter!
"Patience turn to stone"
with a witch emoji?
Ooh, nice touch.
Oh, my God!
I sold my wife!
- Yes!
- Get him! Go!
[SCREAMS]
[GASPS, SCREAMS] My eyes!
The devil box is alight. [GASPS]
Yes, yes. Sometimes,
they leave it on for us.
I don't usually partake.
Oh, but this is a good episode.
Kaylee L. confronts Veronica
for blowing up her co-listing in Laguna.
Well, we must depart
forthwith, lest we be corrupted.
Absolutely.
Or we stay here
and bear witness to the sin,
so that we may
warn others and stuff.
Hmm
And is she Kaylee L.?
Yes, and keep an eye on her mojito
because little hint
Veronica will soon be wearing it.
[GASPS] Oh, and that's not all.
You will not believe who shows
up to the twilight open house.
- [GASPS] Is it the devil?
- [GASPS] Kind of.
It's Kaylee's ex, Fletcher.
Oh.
- To bear witness.
- To bear witness.
So this man bought your statue and
I'm sorry, what do you want us to do?
I just need to get it back,
and I need his home address.
Now, I know you guys run plates,
I watch TV.
Right but we only do
that when there's a crime.
'Cause we're the police.
Okay, Jay's getting nowhere.
- Oh!
- Pete, what happened?
He got on the highway, and I lost him.
- Oh.
- Oh. I don't know if it's helpful,
but there was a bumper sticker.
It said, "Captain Kaboom period com."
Wait, Captain Kaboom dot com?
What does that mean?
It's a website, it's the internet.
That's the internet?
What's the thing with the cat videos?
Everyone just hang on. Watch.
[STRAINS]
This feels like a stalker situation.
OFFICER SUE: Sir, be honest.
Did this individual break your heart?
What? No. I just want my statue back.
[GRUNTS] What is this?
Ahoy. I'm Captain Kaboom.
Welcome to Kaboom World.
Today, we're gonna see what happens
when you put an M-80
inside an old microwave.
Surely, he knows what will happen.
- [EXPLOSION OVER LAPTOP]
- [ALL SCREAM, LAUGH]
- Kaboom.
- THORFINN: [LAUGHS] Was amazing!
Ugh, back in my day, there was
a guy who used to blow stuff up.
His name was LBJ.
But then we got high, and saw
a bunch of bands play on a farm,
and I think that helped.
Oh, no. I think I know why
this man bought that statue.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
He's gonna blow up Sam.
- Samantha.
- [GASPS]
- Click on bowling ball video.
- Thor.
Okay, fine, what if I
were to say that the statue
is really a person,
and that person
is my wife?
Well, in that case,
we'd probably contact
mental health services.
- Okay, so then I'm not saying that.
- Good day, sir.
[PHONE CHIMES]
What?
Ooh, now he just has
to click on the link.
A text from my iPad?
Trevor, did you send me this? I
don't have time to watch a vid
Wait. That's the guy
I sold the statue to.
- [GASPS] Yeah.
- Watch watermelon one.
- So good.
- Shh.
Hey, there, Kaboom Fam.
Got something really special in today.
You've been asking for limestone,
I'm giving you limestone.
Ah! That's the Sam statue.
- Yes!
- Yes!
At 1700 hours today,
this thing's going
kaboom.
Don't forget to like and subscribe.
I know that house.
How do I know that house?
He's doing the finger-pinch thing.
He's doing the finger-pinch thing.
- That's to zoom in. Dot com.
- JAY: Wait.
Is that a Sonic sign?
- Ooh!
- [GASPS] Ooh, it's ironic.
Samantha's always saying
that Sonic is gonna kill Jay,
but it may just be the
thing that saves her.
Ironic Sonic. I think that was
a band that I dated back in '67.
I know where this is. Pete, let's ride.
Because I can.
- Shut up, Pete.
- Go!
- And go save our girl!
- Okay!
So you want the statue back?
Yeah, I wasn't supposed to sell it.
It got put out by accident, and
my wife is really attached to it.
Sorry, man.
I got big plans for that thing.
Pete Martino.
Non-geographically bound ghost.
Sergeant John Duffy. Retired.
Served two tours in 'nam.
Moved upstate for some peace and quiet.
40 years later, I'm dead, and
this little maniac moves in.
Come on, man. Give me a number.
How much do you want for it?
It's not about the money.
It's about the boom, bro.
Got to give the people what they want.
It's just This
statue means a lot to me.
I really need it back.
- His wife is the statue.
- Damn straight.
I fought for this man's
right to marry a statue.
JAMIE: I'll tell you what,
you give me that weird monster thing
I was looking at earlier,
and I'll give you your statue back.
The quasit?
Jay, are we really driving
a hard bargain here?
Fine. Deal. But can
I take the statue now?
I promise I'll come
back with the quasit.
Sure, man. I trust you.
Plus, I know where you live,
and I have a lot of dynamite.
PETE: Guys!
We're back.
- We got the Sam statue.
- [GHOSTS EXCLAIMING]
JAY: Ghosts, if you're here,
get the Puritan
to undo the stone thing.
And please hurry. This
morning, I was yelling at her
about wearing a Halloween costume.
I don't want that to be the
last conversation we had.
Patience, you turn Stone Sam back
into regular Sam right now, or else.
'Twas not me who made her thus.
All of ye convicted her.
Patience, I am going
to say something to you
that I have only ever told
two other people in my life,
both of whom I wished
to procure me cocaine:
please.
The Lord's judgement is final.
Once one strayeth from the
path of piety, one is lost.
It's so interesting
you say that, Patience,
because, earlier, I believe
you did a bit of path-straying yourself.
I know not of what you speak.
- Oh, you don't want me to speak of Laguna.
- [GASPS]
I was bearing witness.
You said you would never tell.
What's going on here?
I will tell them everything,
including how you moved your body
to that diabetes medicine commercial.
Fine.
So you'll turn her back?
The power rests not with
me. It rests with ye.
If you wish to reverse
the sentence, simply vote again,
and find Samantha innocent.
[CHEERS] Oh, yay!
It's gonna be okay, man.
HETTY: Flower, no!
Whoa
ALBERTA: Oh, he's high.
[CACKLES] [SCREAMS]
GHOSTS: No!
Ah!
Sam! Sam!
SAMANTHA: What?
What are you guys doing?
Oh, my God, you're okay.
PETE: We thought you were stone,
and then Jay sold you.
HETTY: And then the Kaboom
man was gonna blow you up.
There really cool watermelon
video you need to see.
- Of course I'm okay.
- But what happened? Where have you been?
SAMANTHA: I sold Mrs. Farnsby a desk,
and I was helping her take
it over to their place.
At first, she wanted it in the study
and then in the living room and
then she made me put it in a room
that I don't want to talk about.
But the statue was holding the rake.
What? No.
I just leaned the rake against
the statue before I left.
We thought Patience turned you to stone
after the ghosts convicted
you at the witch trial.
You guys convicted me?
Well, we were mad about Halloween.
I urged you to testify on your behalf.
I told them you didn't
kill that vagrant.
Wait, well, where did
the statue come from?
Hetty said she didn't recognize it.
It was in a crate in the ballroom.
Ah. I guess that is
possible. We were so rich.
Sometimes, we would just
buy things at auction
'cause we liked waving
the little paddle.
Well, Patience, I guess your
spell didn't work after all.
No matter. I've still
got the blood thing.
Why don't you go hum about it?
[GASPS]
- That was devastating insult.
- All right.
Everyone just needs to
back off. It's a good power.
- I think it's a neat power.
- I swear to God, Pete.
Aw, so you traded your
weird monster statue
so this guy wouldn't blow me up?
- Of course I did.
- And he did not hesitate.
He agreed to it like that.
And we definitely didn't
stop at Sonic on the way home.
- Too much detail, Pete.
- JAY: Sam,
I thought I lost you,
and it was the worst
feeling in the world.
I'm so sorry that I yelled at you
for wanting to celebrate Halloween.
I love that you're
excited about that stuff,
and I love that you decorate our mantel
for different seasons and holidays.
It's like we live in a
Starbucks. In a good way.
Aw, Jay.
THORFINN: Is touching.
Small Man sure to reap many benefits,
sexually, from those kind words.
PATIENCE: Everyone,
Patience hath arrived at a decision.
After much praying,
it has become clear that
I need to return to the dirt.
- Girl, what? No.
- Oh, no. Why?
You just got here.
Patience is returning to the dirt.
Hell yeah! I don't care.
She tried to turn you into stone,
and she cost me my quasit.
I was tested, and I failed.
The aboveground world has
far too much temptation.
'Tis not a place for the pious.
Well, as I said, women
should support women,
so I fully support
your decision to leave
and possibly never come back.
PATIENCE: It was good to know you.
Now, I must return to the others.
I'm sorry, did she say "others"?
That not good.
Oh, I don't like that at all.