Hacks (2021) s04e03 Episode Script

1
[GRAM PARSONS' "OOH, LAS VEGAS"]
Ooh, Las Vegas ♪
Ain't no place for
a poor boy like me ♪
Okay, writers, here are
your informational resources
on Deborah Marie Vance.
You have biographical background,
joke areas approved, joke areas refused,
as well as several character quirks
that you should be aware of.
If you get carsick while reading,
just focus on a fixed
object on the horizon,
because this reading is required.
Are we all done?
[ALL HESITANTLY MURMURING]
Great. What are your pitches?
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's back it up a second.
Why don't we start
with some icebreakers?
I'll go first.
Uh, my name is Ava Daniels.
I'm from Waltham, Massachusetts.
And one thing about me is,
I recently became allergic to shrimp.
- Who wants to go next?
- Me.
I'm Deborah Vance,
and one thing about
me is, I love pitches.
Got any?
- Ooh.
- Uh
Why don't we ease into working
by getting to know each
other a little bit better first?
Why?
They're writing for me.
I'm not writing for them.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
- What is your problem?
- What happened to our truce?
Nothing!
We agreed to put our
personal differences aside
and never speak of them
again, but that doesn't mean,
creatively, I have to agree
with all your stupid ideas.
The point is to warm up to each other.
We're supposed to bond, mingle,
play "Cards Against Humanity,"
if you would have given me
two seconds to grab my deck.
You know how much work we have to do.
We do not have the time to find out,
you know, what their last
names are and all that shit.
But this is a retreat.
I called it that because, legally,
I was advised that I couldn't
take them into an office
over the weekend.
- You're insane!
- [SIGHS]
Listen, I have been in
writers' rooms before.
You can't just throw
people together on day one
and expect them to churn out material.
Well, I'm not playing
slip, slap, slop with them.
Okay.
Clearly, we are not gonna
see eye to eye on this.
But at the very minimum,
we have to tell them
exactly what kind of show
we are trying to make.
Fine. I can do that.
Okay.
- High-five me.
- What?
High-five me.
They're definitely looking.
We need to show unity.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[LAUGHS]
- Let go.
- No!
Let go!
[ENGINE REVS]
Follow me.
A few steps behind is fine.
[DOG BARKS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Yes!
- [CHEERING]
This way.
Okay.
[MUSIC STOPS]
The room where it happens.
Okay, we've got cantaloupe and saltines.
Everybody, dig in and let's get to work.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
So I've had a long
time to think about this.
The reason late night works
is not because of the format,
but because of the person.
We didn't say, did you
see "The Tonight Show"?
We said, did you see Carson
or did you see Letterman?
It's a person you let into
your house late at night
and you go to bed with.
So how do we make millions of people
- wanna go to bed with me?
- [ALL CHUCKLING]
They need to get to know me.
They need to understand me.
That means every
monologue joke we write,
every desk bit, every sketch,
every interview question
has to be specific to me
and something only I can do.
And more importantly,
this needs to be the
number one late night show
within three months.
- Uh.
- Whoa.
Deborah, my friend, can
we talk outside for a sec?
Sure.
That's, like, really soon.
You cannot tell them it needs to be
the number one show on day one.
That is such insane pressure.
Winnie says that we have
to save late night comedy.
And if we go from being new
kid on the block to number one,
that proves it's not dead.
And I want to be number
one because I can be.
Okay.
Perhaps we could start by
giving them a smaller target
than global number one hit.
God!
Okay.
I understand that some of you were hired
to write monologue jokes
and others to write sketches.
But for this weekend, I
would like us all to focus
on the first episode opener.
[ALL MURMURING]
Now, the very best late-night premieres
have kicked off with a
buzzy, hilarious segment
that grabs the audience's attention
and sets the tone for the entire show.
Conan ran across the
country to his new stage in LA.
Letterman's was in the style
of Boris Karloff's "Frankenstein."
So what will mine be?
Go.
Oh. Um, right now?
If you don't have
anything, let's move along.
You.
Uh, uh, maybe it's
like a bunker situation,
where you've been
in, like, a bomb shelter
- for the past 45 years?
- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
Yeah, maybe you went down
there to get a bottle of wine
and the door locked behind you.
[LAUGHTER]
And you've been
surviving off canned beans.
Yeah.
Yeah, and you can't stop
farting 'cause [LAUGHS]
'cause of the beans.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
[FORCED LAUGH] Huh.
It's it's interesting
direction, you guys.
It's really cool to see
how your minds work.
So, anything else?
Oh, maybe a sports movie parody,
like a "Rudy" style
thing, but it's Deborah,
who's never been in the game.
Shoulder pads have always
been flattering on my frame.
[LAUGHTER]
And all of her teammates
can be veteran late-night hosts.
- We can get some really fun cameos.
- Yeah.
And they can dump a
Gatorade cooler on you,
but it's full of glitter.
[LAUGHTER]
And one of them accidentally
punches you in the boob.
[LAUGHS]
It's actually, "SNL"
might have done it.
That man is a riff killer.
- Let's go fire him.
- No.
Maybe that's how he
acts when he's nervous.
I mean, you haven't exactly created
the warmest environment for creativity.
You're giving their jokes nothing.
Well, and you're giving
them too much with your
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
Please, at least just smile at them.
Oh, wow, you're telling
a woman to smile,
when you made such a scene
when my dear friend, Dave Blaine,
was simply giving you advice.
Just be a little nicer to Nate.
What do you want me to
do, give him a hand job?
- Jesus.
- He's a loser.
God!
[SIGHS]
What if we do a "Twilight Zone" send-up
to highlight the
absurdity that there has
never been a woman at 11:30?
Um, anything else?
Maybe you're stuck at the DMV,
and they aren't calling your number,
and you realize you've
been there for, like, 45 years.
And all of the numbers they are calling
are just for, like, white
men in suits named Jimmy.
- Okay. Maybe.
- [LAUGHTER]
Um, or how about a
beauty pageant sketch?
We can talk about how
pleasing I am to the eyes,
compared to the guys in the suits.
I don't know if we wanna overload
too early on the appearance stuff.
It'd be funny.
I mean, TV is a visual medium.
Who likes my pitch? Show of hands.
No, don't. You can't make them do that.
Who thinks that I can make you do that?
Show of hands.
Uh, uh, I do.
Good. Okay.
Uh, what did you like about my pitch?
I think it's good.
But don't don't you think
it's potentially reductive?
True. I see both points.
But isn't funny, funny?
- Yes. Funny is funny.
- Yeah.
And if funny is funny,
this is a comedy show.
- We should do funny.
- Right.
You're pressuring her.
You don't wanna do it, right?
[FORCED LAUGH]
I think it could be funny,
which is obviously funny.
And then I also see how we could think
of something funnier,
some of the smartest
people I know around here.
Okay, so what would be funnier?
Um, one second, Miss.
No, you don't have to answer right now.
We're all trying to think
of something funny.
That's what we're doing here.
Okay, but but if you didn't
have something funnier,
why did you say that?
I'm sorry.
D don't apologize.
I'm asking seriously.
It's just my sister's baby
shower today, and I'm missing it.
My mom keeps texting
me, which is but I think
I'm just actually hungry.
Really? Could have fooled me.
You cleaned out the cantaloupe.
Let's take five.
- I'm sorry if I ate too much cantaloupe.
- You are fine.
We can't keep going on like this.
- It's torture.
- [SIGHS]
You really think that if
they have a good time,
they'll work harder and
write better material?
Yes.
Fine.
I will show them the best
weekend of their lives,
right before I grind
their bones to dust.
Okay, who wants to have some fun?
Yes?
[BOB SEGER'S "RAMBLIN' GAMBLIN' MAN"]
No, It's
Winner gets a grand.
- Oh, okay.
- Shit. Okay.
Yeah, I'm gonna ♪
Ready?
Three, two, one, go!
[ENGINES REVVING]
Learned to spin fortune
wheels and throw dice ♪
Ain't good looking
but you know I ain't shy ♪
Ain't afraid to look a
girl, yeah, in the eye ♪
So if you need some loving
and you need it right away ♪
Fuck.
And maybe I'll stay ♪
But I got to ramble ♪
Ramblin' man ♪
Gamble, gamblin' man ♪
Ramble, ramblin' man ♪
I was born a ramblin', gamblin' man ♪
Buh-bye.
Whoo!
- Oh, bring it on ♪
- Ahh! [LAUGHS]
I beat ya. I beat ya.
I beat ya. I beat ya.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
You're a good man.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]
Cheers!
[ALL CHEERING]
Anybody need a rainbow roll?
Whoo!
Team building.
Build it up.
[ALL CHEERING]
I have to grab my car,
so I'm exiting the bus.
And anyone who gets on the bus,
once I leave, I have no knowledge of.
[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]
What's up, party people?
Welcome to Vegas.
I got Molly, weed, G.
And if you're feeling really crazy,
I got 12-year-old cans of Four Loko.
Okay, let's do the drugs.
[EXCITED CHATTER]
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
All your loving
is, all your loving is ♪
All your loving is
taking me to paradise ♪
Yes, you! Come on, Deborah.
- Me?
- On the stage.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Oh, no.
Oh. Are you serious?
- Yeah! Yeah!
- Ah!
[CHEERING]
Let's make it last all night ♪
Let's make it last ♪
- Let's go, Las Vegas!
- [CHEERING]
A piece of poker advice.
It's about ranges, not hands.
Oh. Ooh.
- Don't embarrass me.
- Okay.
[GASPS] Yay!
- My loves are back at last!
- Oh.
Wait. What are you guys doing here?
I'm here with my new writers.
We're on a retreat.
They're trying to figure out
an opening for my first episode.
Ooh.
You should do a turn reveal
like "The Real Housewives."
This would be mine.
I can deal with whatever
life brings my way,
and I love that about me.
- [LAUGHS]
- Awesome.
You should write for my show.
Oh, Deb, you know
I love you, but I hate LA.
It's too cold.
Okay. Come on.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Yeah!
- Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yeah.
You kids stick with
me. Mama's hot tonight!
Ooh, you bust again.
- Damn.
- I forgot how bad you are.
I'm not that I'm not that bad.
I wanna hear all about your new gig.
Actually, I have a break right now.
Come on.
I'll say great things
about you guys, obviously.
Glowing reviews.
Okay.
- Okay, Miss Head Writer.
- [LAUGHS]
I'm so proud of you.
It is so cool to see how far
you and Deborah have come.
Like, I remember when you
were her total servant-bitch,
intern-babygirl, straight
slurping her abuse,
like, one month ago.
No, dude. You'd be so proud of me.
You remember how we had
that conversation about setting
- boundaries with Deborah?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, I did.
Basically dommed her ass.
See, I knew you had a
bad bitch inside of you.
Deborah didn't.
She wasn't gonna give me
the head writer job, so I took it.
What do you mean, you took it?
I mean, like, I had leverage over her,
and I used it to my advantage.
Like blackmail?
Yep.
Oh, no, no. Wait.
That's so sad and dark and horrible.
- What are you talking about?
- No, I'm serious.
That makes me really sad.
Like, the two of you had
such a good thing going.
I just did what Deborah would have done.
Sure, babe, but it's just not very you.
Well, don't worry about it.
We we made a truce,
so we're moving past it.
A truce with Deborah?
No, girl.
Deborah holds grudges forever,
even if the person didn't do anything.
Have I ever told you about Tiffany?
No.
Tiffany had my job before me,
but Deborah had a
losing streak with her.
And then, one night,
she didn't stop Deborah
from hitting at 17.
And then she pulled a jack.
That was her last game in America.
Deborah got her deported?
No, but she also didn't
stop it from happening.
Anyways, Tiffany works
in Macau now, as a doctor.
She's, like, really fulfilled.
I hit Like on all her posts.
[MELLOW ROCK MUSIC]
That's why I don't date other dealers.
Yeah. No, totally.
Um, where'd everybody go?
I think they ditched you, baby.
[SCOFFS] No.
They would not ditch me.
I'm the head writer.
- Oh, my God! They ditched me!
- How do you know?
Because I installed Find
My on Deborah's cell,
'cause she kept losing it in
the east wing of her house.
I know she goes there to poop.
I gotta go. Bye.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I got engaged,
but I'm not marrying him.
- Amazing.
- Text me!
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Welcome to a Vegas institution.
Grab some tables in the front.
Is that everybody? Okay, here we go.
What the hell?
You left me?
You told me to curate a fun vibe.
I thought it would help
by abandoning you.
It was working. [LAUGHS]
- Hello!
- Loretta!
Hi, Deborah.
Thank you for hooking
me and my writers up.
Anytime, baby. I love your ass.
- Oh, you are the best.
- Aw.
Now, don't none of y'all fall in love.
I promise you, they don't love you back.
[LAUGHS] Eva!
It's Ava, but hey.
Girl, get on in there.
I used to play trivia with this bitch.
[LAUGHS] What the fuck? Right?
Wanna see what
dreams are getting money ♪
Let's do a toast!
Yeah, to Laughing Out Loud. Yeah.
I coined that phrase.
I've been saying LOL since 1991.
[LAUGHTER]
Cheers!
[CHEERING]
Deborah, I got you a
little congratulations gift
for your late-night gig.
Cherry!
Custom lap dance, free of charge.
Ah, that's okay.
- I really don't oh, okay.
- Wow.
So your own late-night show.
That's so exciting.
It is.
When do you premiere, mama?
Um, uh, four weeks.
Wow.
I'm surprised you have time for this.
What are you doing here?
Good question.
Thanks.
This was inspiring. Gotta go.
Ava! Ava.
Ava! Get back to work.
- Now?
- Yes.
Listen, for the opening,
we can do a version
of some kind of a man
on the street segment.
Take your top off!
We are getting into
a creative flow, sir.
Deborah, sit down or take your top off.
I know you got them thangs.
Oh, God. Come on.
You, me, champagne room right now.
Hey, ladies.
Hey. You don't need to do all that.
We're just here to find
a quiet place to write.
Well, do you mind if I
chill and look at my phone?
It's my only time to be non-verbal.
- Sure.
- What do you want?
Either you pitch or I pitch.
If you're not gonna pitch on my pitches,
then you gotta pitch your own pitches.
I am getting to the point
where the word pitch
has lost all meaning.
We're in a strip club.
- We're not working right now.
- You have to!
It's 3:00 a.m., and we have nothing.
You need to calm down.
There's no time to calm down.
If you're not gonna help
me, then they need to.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Big floss on that bitch ♪
There they are, my
beautiful little writers.
Anybody got any pitches yet?
- Anybody?
- Deborah!
I got an idea for the opening.
Finally. I knew I liked you.
What if you come
down on a stripper pole,
but it's actually a fire
pole because of the fire?
It was in the binder.
You're fired.
Sit down. You are not fired.
It's my show, so it's
my call. You're fired.
Well, I'm the head writer,
so it's actually my call too.
You are not fired. Sit down.
Don't listen to her.
Listen to me. You're fired!
No, you are not. Sit down.
If I only get one chance,
so do you. You're fired.
This is famously your second chance.
- [RETCHES]
- Oh!
You see? I was right.
We were riffing, and he killed it.
Okay, enough.
You and I are gonna work
alone and decide on an area,
let the writers go to sleep
and sober up for tomorrow.
Fine! Let's go.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh.
Great first day, guys.
Samira, I love your dry wit.
Eliot, more like El-O-L.
- Rose, you took it in stride
- Ava!
When I forgot your name. Sorry.
I will email the rest of you.
Unreal.
I can't believe you tried to
fire someone on day one.
You are being so unreasonable.
I'm not being unreasonable.
I'm being tough
because the job is tough.
I mean, if they can't handle
a weekend of partying
in Las Vegas, how are they gonna handle
the grind of late night?
They have to be funny,
even when they're exhausted
and it's 3:00 a.m. and
they've been doing it
over and over again, all day,
every day, 5 shows a week,
- 20 shows a month, month after month.
- [ENGINE REVVING]
I need people who can keep up.
[SIREN WAILING]
Oh, crap!
You don't have drugs, do you?
No. I don't think so.
Hello.
I am not drunk.
Well, I pulled you over for speeding,
but now I have to
give you a breathalyzer.
- Absolutely not.
- Just do it. You're not drunk.
My lawyer advised me not to do one.
They malfunction all the time.
Ma'am, I suggest you comply.
I am a U.S. citizen on American ground.
This is beyond do you know my name?
You're about to find out.
Ma'am, please get out of the vehicle.
I'm live on Instagram.
You are being recorded and broadcast
directly to six witnesses.
Five. Four witnesses.
Five! He's back. Five!
Both of you, out now.
What?
Now!
Hey, what's going on?
You're not gonna
believe this one, brother.
What are you doing?
Trying to get my phone.
I sneaked it into my waistband
when that cop took my purse.
Can you reach it?
Ow.
Here.
Who are you texting?
I'm getting us out of here.
Yeah, Deborah Vance.
She's a female comedian.
I know, man. She's ornery.
You know, maybe for the opening,
the background is black and white,
but I'm in color because
I bring color to the world
through my comedy. I
mean, that hasn't been done.
Uh, except for the little
girl in "Schindler's List."
Oh, yeah. That was good.
Vance, Vance.
Vance, dance.
Pants, Lance, France.
France. I don't know.
Something to do with Vance and dance.
- Dance. Pants.
- Oh, my God.
We are in the back of a cop car.
Would you give it a rest?
Plus, it's only been one day,
and we have a whole team of writers
to help us figure it out.
Oh, they're not gonna figure it out.
They can't write for me
'cause they're not me.
This is why I never worked with writers,
except for you, which was
the biggest mistake of my life.
So much for our truce, huh?
God, I was so stupid for thinking
you could move past anything.
It's hard to move past
getting stabbed in the back.
Well, I did.
And now I'm just trying to focus
on making the best show possible,
which is why I did
this in the first place.
[SCOFFS]
Okay, yes, I blackmailed you.
And I'm not stupid.
I know you love to hold a grudge,
but I hoped that what we
had was special enough
to where you would,
at least for one second,
consider my point of view.
I didn't just do it for me.
Oh, really?
I did it for both of us.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
[SCOFFS]
Fine.
Whatever.
Make me the villain all you want,
but don't take it out on the writers,
'cause they don't deserve that.
[CAR HORN HONKING "LA CUCARACHA"]
Oh, she's here.
- Took her long enough.
- Who?
Look alive. The mayor's here. [SIGHS]
Body cams off, boys.
Sorry I took so long, Deb.
I was having a driveway moment.
What do you mean?
You know, it's when you kind of get lost
in thought in your driveway.
Anyway, I heard they
got you for manslaughter.
They said that the murder weapon's
got your prints all over it.
- What?
- Whoa!
I'm just kidding.
Hey, but you don't
wanna take a breathalyzer.
That's fine.
But what are we willing to do?
What do you mean?
Nothing in this town
is free, Pepper Ann.
You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Actually, that sounds really good.
Would you scratch my back?
I live alone.
Are you drunk?
I I am, a little bit. Yes.
But shh.
I noticed that you haven't
maxed out your contributions
to my campaign this year,
so maybe you could look into that?
Headline a fundraiser?
Sure.
Now we're talking.
All right, I'll be right back.
You stay there.
Here's the thing.
She's had all sorts of troubles.
And I won't get into it
now, but she's not gonna
hurt anybody and she's fine.
And she's not drunk, so.
I'll tell you later. It's medication.
- She's all right.
- So we're letting her go?
- You're letting her go.
- Go ahead.
Let's go, boys.
Ladies, free to go.
If Deborah says she's
not drunk, she's not drunk.
Thanks, Mayor.
In fact, she can prove it too.
She is straight as an arrow.
Hey, Deb, I want you to
hit that street light, all right?
- Take my gun.
- Come on!
- Mayor!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
That is not necessary.
We'll take your word for it
and issue Ms. Vance a warning.
Great. You see how ebey that was?
Sorry. Typo.
See how easy that was?
Hey, thank you for your service, boys.
Thank you.
I don't get why firemen
are more popular than cops.
Then again, I don't
really follow the news.
You're the mayor.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Isn't that cool?
It's very sweet of
you to say that to me.
That's right. I won.
Thanks, Jo.
- See you at the fundraiser.
- [LAUGHS]
[MELLOW MUSIC]
It's in the tongue. Yes!
There you go.
That's right. Hey, you guys.
Sorry we're late.
It's a crazy story, but, uh, basically,
last night, we were
pulled over and detained.
Wrongfully.
Wrongfully detained.
Huh.
The speed limit in Las
Vegas is just a suggestion.
No, I was just thinking
off of what you said.
What if the opening video
is Deborah getting out
of late night jail?
Like she's been stuck in there
for 30 years and she's finally free?
That could be something.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, maybe it's, like, an
overcrowded women's prison
and then next door is a men's prison,
- but it's completely empty.
- [CHUCKLES]
And you've been chipping
away at the wall with a pen,
like, "Shawshank Redemption" style.
- Eyebrow pencil.
- Yeah, yeah.
And there's, like, a Deborah
Vance Vegas residency poster
- covering the hole.
- Oh, yeah.
And then you're
walking back to your cell
from the warden's office.
You're wearing the orange jumpsuit.
We pan down.
You're wearing Louboutins.
Oh, I like that. I like that.
And you try to lock James
Corden in on your way out
so he doesn't do any more musicals.
Oh!
Aw, James is sweet.
But, yes, let's do that. I love that.
And I'm sorry, by the I'm sorry.
- Just I'm sorry.
- About?
Okay.
If you then it's fine.
If you don't remember
it, then it's fine.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
- Hi. You wanted to see us?
- Yeah, yeah.
Come on in.
Heard you had an impromptu retreat.
Yes started out a little bumpy
but turned out to be
just what we needed.
And we think we came up
with an idea for the opening.
Great.
Glad something good came out of it.
What do you mean?
You know Stacey from HR.
Hi, ladies.
Well, there were many reports
about highly inappropriate behavior
on your writers' retreat.
Hired and fired a writer multiple times,
offered a suitcase full
of illegal substances,
withheld food and water.
You took the writers
to a nude strip club.
Don't they know what happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas?
Well, apparently not.
Who told? I'm gonna beat their ass.
No, no. You can't say that.
She can't say that.
That is not permissible.
You don't beat someone's ass. All right?
Which brings me to the final complaint.
There's a lot of disruptive
tension between the two of you,
a lot of reports about that.
I told you pretending wasn't gonna work.
Oh, it's my fault?
You just said you wanted
to beat someone's ass.
Yeah, and you wanna know who?
Ladies!
Here is what is going to happen.
Per the network,
Stacey here is going to be the dedicated
HR chaperone for our show.
If you're in this building,
Stacey's with you.
The two of you will not be unsupervised
together ever again. Got it?
No, I'm sorry.
I think that's gonna be really
disruptive to our workflow.
We we can't do that.
You're just not even gonna
know that I'm h here.
It's gonna be fine.
[COUGHS] Sorry. Wrong pipe.
[COUGHING CONTINUES] Sorry.
Wrong I do that a lot. I aspirate.
[HACKING]
Excuse me. I'm fine. I'm
[JOE EGAN "LEAVIN' IT ALL BEHIND"]
You caught me once ♪
You caught me twice ♪
My eyes were
closed, I paid the price ♪
But I'm amazed, oh, yes, I am ♪
To find you back with another plan ♪
Are you out of your mind? ♪
It took me ever such a long time ♪
Just to leave it all behind ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
For quite a while I didn't know ♪
Just what to do, which way to go ♪
But that's all right,
yeah, it's okay ♪
I'm just beginning
again to feel my way ♪
Are you out of your mind? ♪
It took me ever such a long time ♪
Just to leave it all behind ♪
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Well, I don't know
what your game is, boy ♪
Or where your motive lies ♪
But I'm not offended, no ♪
I'm just a little bit surprised ♪