Hey Arnold! (1996) s04e03 Episode Script

1
MAN: Here we go.
HELGA: Arnold.
(YOWLING)
(BARKING)
Hey, Arnold!
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMS)
Hey, Arnold!
Arnold.
Arnold.
(SIREN WAILING)
Arnold.
Arnold.
Move it, football head!
ALL: Hey, Arnold!
And all of my friends
will be there.
And after I open my presents
we'll all eat a huge
chocolate cake.
Sounds like fun, Eugene.
Of course, it won't be
a perfect party.
It won't?
See, I've always wanted
a surprise party.
I sure love
surprises, Arno
Whoa!
I'm okay.
Anyway, it's going to be
on Saturday, Arnold,
can you make it?
Are you kidding?
I wouldn't miss your
birthday, Eugene.
Great, Arnold, I'm inviting
the whole class and I
(EXCLAIMING)
Eugene, pick them up.
Sorry about the oranges,
Mr. Felt.
Put them on my bill,
okay?
Go on, go.
There's only one last
detail to take
care of, Arnold.
I've got to mail
the invitations and I've
got them right
Whoa!
Eugene.
(SPLASHES)
I'm okay.
Take these, would you,
Arnold?
Thanks. Good thing
I didn't drop them.
You know, why don't
I keep these invitations,
Eugene?
(BARKING)
Yeah, I could mail 'em
for you.
Gee, what for, Arnold?
Well, Eugene, it just might
be better if I did it.
There's a mailbox
right by my house.
Okay, then.
I guess I'll see you
Saturday.
Bye, Eugene.
Bye, Arnold.
What a guy.
(THUDS)
Ow!
Thanks for the cold cuts,
Marty, see you tomorrow.
BOTH: Oof!
Sorry, Harvey.
Whoa, Arnold,
where's the fire, bud?
I, uh, was just
in a hurry to mail something.
Yeah, right.
Listen, next time,
get me to do it,
I'm the mailman.
It's safer that way.
Right, see ya, Harvey.
Okay, bud,
catch ya later.
(SNIFFING)
ALARM CLOCK:
Hey Arnold, hey, Arnold.
(YAWNS)
(DIALTONE BEEPING)
Hey, Gerald,
ready to go to Eugene's?
Eugene's?
Yeah, Eugene's.
You know, his birthday party?
What birthday party?
You didn't get
your invitation?
But you'll still come,
right?
Well, I can't, I gotta go
to a bris.
I'm sure everybody else
is going, relax, man.
Hello.
Sid, it's Arnold.
Did you get an invitation
to Eugene's party?
Your cooking class?
Okay, bye.
(BEEPS)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Helga?
Phoebe?
Man, what could've happened
to the invitations?
What the Eugene's
having a birthday?
What am I gonna wear?
(HORN BLOWING)
Arnold.
You're the first
to arrive.
Uh, some people
aren't going to make
it today, Eugene.
Really, who?
Everybody.
See, I called everyone
about the party this morning
and no one got
an invitation.
I think it's kind
of my fault.
Oh, that's nonsense,
Arnold.
Somebody's bound to show up,
meanwhile let's just enjoy
the party.
We could play
Musical Chairs.
(HORN BLOWING)
(HORN BLOWING WEAKLY)
(BALLOON DEFLATING)
You better eat
this ice cream up,
before it melts, Arnold.
Eugene, I'm really,
really sorry.
Don't be sorry, Arnold,
it was a great birthday party.
We had cake, ice cream
and look at all
these presents.
You gave me one,
my mom and dad
gave me one.
That makes
two presents.
I must be
the luckiest kid
in the world.
GERALD: But why?
Why do you want
to throw him
another birthday party?
You have got to stop
trying to fix Eugene.
He's the unluckiest
kid in the world.
Yeah, why bother, Arnold?
He'd probably just jinx up
that party too.
Like the roof would
cave in and crush
everybody.
Or the cake would
probably explode
or something.
Eugene is an all-fire
jinx after all.
GERALD: He's a jinx.
STINKY: Yeah, yeah.
Look, you guys.
It's just something
I have to do, okay?
He's my friend
and I can't let him down.
Now help me think of
a really good place
for a party.
(BOTH SIGH)
The arcade?
The roller rink?
How about
the aquarium?
Eugene loves
the aquarium.
That's perfect.
Okay, Sid,
Stinky, you guys tell
everyone to meet me
and Gerald there
at 4:00, okay?
Four o'clock.
Got it.
STINKY: It sure was
a good idea throwing
a surprise party
for Eugene
at the roller rink.
I know, I'm glad
I thought of it.
Yeah, just one little
detail, brainiacs.
Where's football head
and birthday boy?
I told you,
he said the arcade.
EUGENE: Hi, Angel,
remember me?
Your old pal, Eugene.
Yoo-hoo.
See, Arnold?
He waved at me.
Uh, Eugene,
I think I blew it again.
What are you
talking about, Arnold?
Well, this was supposed
to be a surprise party.
Only no one showed up
except for me and Gerald
and it's been hours.
You were gonna throw me
a surprise party?
Oh, that's so nice
of you, Arnold.
Eugene, don't you
understand?
No one showed up.
This party is
a total bust.
Don't be silly, Arnold,
this is even better than
my other birthday party.
This time I even got
to look at the fish while
we waited for someone
to show up.
I must be the luckiest kid
in the world.
So, kid, it's
your birthday?
Yeah.
Let's go, we're closing
in five minutes, beat it.
(ARNOLD SIGHS)
Eugene, I am so sorry.
For what, Arnold?
For everything.
Every bad thing
I've somehow done
to you.
You know, the goldfish
I killed, the bike I wrecked,
the paint, the glue,
the crab, the car door.
Both birthday parties.
I never stopped
and counted.
That is a lot
of things, Arnold.
So, I'll throw a third
foolproof birthday
party for you.
The best party ever,
in my backyard tomorrow.
I'll invite everybody
and I'll personally
deliver the invitations
to every single kid,
so nothing goes
wrong, okay?
You know, come to
think of it, all those
bad things
that happened to me,
did happen when I was
around you.
When my bike
fell apart.
When you killed
my goldfish.
When we both got stuck
on that roller coaster.
You know, Arnold,
I hate to say this,
but
I'm coming to the conclusion
that perhaps, you're some kind
of a jinx.
What?
And the more I think
about it, the more I think
you throwing me
another party
would be a big mistake.
You think I'm a jinx?
You shouldn't do it,
Arnold,
I mean, what with you
being a jinx and all.
Look, Eugene,
I'm not a jinx.
And I'm throwing you
a birthday party whether
you like it or not.
In fact, it's going to be
a surprise party.
Gee, how can it
be a surprise
Look! You're going
to show up and you're
going to be surprised.
Got it? Tomorrow,
in my backyard.
It's going to be perfect.
And nothing is going
to go wrong.
Uh-huh, sure, Arnold,
sounds like a good plan.
Well, I've gotta go,
be careful on the way home.
I am not a jinx.
You better be there,
tomorrow, my backyard.
(GERALD LAUGHING)
GERALD: Oh, man.
This is unbelievable.
He thinks you're
the jinx? (LAUGHING)
It's not funny, Gerald.
No, of course not.
It's not funny at all.
(LAUGHING)
I mean it, Gerald.
I am not a jinx
and tomorrow
is going to
be perfect.
Whatever you say,
Arnold.
(LAUGHING)
Whatever you say.
I reckon it was right
decent of you
to throw Eugene
a third surprise
birthday party, Arnold.
Yeah, except
for one little thing.
Where's Eugene?
Oh, he's coming.
This party is going
to be perfect.
I made this whole backyard
jinx-proof.
Is that why you taped
bubble wrap on all
the tables and chairs?
Yeah, no sharp objects,
no way to trip or fall
or slip or anything.
Nothing can go wrong,
everything is gonna
be perfect.
(THUNDERCLAP)
Yeah, perfect,
football head.
Grrr.
(SIGHS) Poor Arnold,
it's raining on his party.
It must be hard
to be such a jinx.
A surprise party, yeah,
chocolate cake, yeah,
big chocolate cake.
Chocolate,
are you going?
I don't know, I'm supposed
to, the party's for me.
But I just know
something's bad
gonna happen.
I think maybe
I should just go home.
What do you think?
I think it's a chocolate cake,
yeah, big chocolate cake,
yeah, chocolate.
Hey, could I have
one of those?
No, I, uh,
I need these.
(THUNDERCLAP)
Maybe we should call
the whole thing off on account
of the rain, Arnold.
No, we are not
calling it off.
Eugene is coming
and I am giving him
a surprise party.
(SCOFFS) Oh, yeah?
Well I am giving him
until the count of three
to show up before
I start into that cake.
You're too late.
Sid, give me that.
Nobody eats cake
until Eugene gets here.
And Eugene is coming.
That's it, I'm definitely
not going,
I know something bad's
gonna happen.
But on the other hand,
Arnold did go to an
awful lot of trouble.
Inviting everyone,
making decorations.
Chocolate cake.
You know, even if he is
a jinx, he's my friend
and I can't let him down,
I've gotta go to that party.
Come on, Chocolate Boy.
Yeah, yeah, cake,
chocolate cake.
That's it, I'm not
hanging around
another minute.
See you in
the funny papers, Arnoldo.
No, nobody is leaving,
until Eugene gets here.
Hello, everyone.
Eugene, you're here
Oh, I mean, surprise!
Everything looks
perfect.
The sun is shining,
all my friends are here,
there is a beautiful
birthday cake.
And to top it off,
we all chipped in
and purchased you this
brand-new scooter.
(GASPS) A scooter.
(EXCLAIMS) You shouldn't have.
You guys
are the greatest.
See, Eugene? I told you
this was going to be
a perfect party.
Nothing bad happened.
(EXCLAIMING)
Hey, cake, chocolate cake.
I don't know about
the rest of you clods,
but I'm gonna spend
what's left of my weekend
as far away
from these two losers
as possible.
(ALL MURMURING IN APPROVAL)
(HAIR DRYER BLOWING)
Eugene, I am so
No, Arnold, don't say
you're sorry.
But that makes
three parties
now that goofed up.
"Goofed up"?
Arnold, this party
had everything I wanted.
A cake, all my friends,
and there was even
a surprise.
I never expected all
that water to pour on me.
I nearly drowned!
(LAUGHS) What a gag.
You threw me a great
birthday party especially
considering that well,
you're a jinx.
(SIGHS) Sure, Eugene,
I'm the jinx.
Whatever you say.
Well, I had a wonderful time.
I'm gonna try out
my new scooter right now.
Whee!
Great party, Arnold.
I am not a jinx.
Yeah, buddy,
sure thing.
Gerald, you're bugging me,
stop it.
Look, I'm king
of the world.
(WHOOPING)
I'm okay.
(BELL RINGING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
I'm telling you, Arnold,
I'm not good at nothin'.
I always fail.
Don't you think
you're overreacting, Stinky?
I mean, it's just one bad
grade on one book report.
No sir, no how,
I ain't the overreacting type.
It's a plain-as-day fact.
I've got no natural abilities
towards doing anything
that stands out from
the crowd.
Come on, everybody's
good at something.
Remember the time
Don't try your cheering-up
speech on me, Arnold.
I just know that
I ain't good at nothing.
Howdy, Pa.
Hey, Uncle Stinky.
Your uncle's named
Stinky too?
Yup, my family
is full of Stinkies.
Every which way you turn,
there's a Stinky coming
at you.
Look, son, we done finish
stuffing the goat.
Pa and Uncle Stinky
are an expert at what
they do,
it's called "taxidermy."
I tried my hand at
stuffing the squirrel once.
But I weren't no good
at that neither.
Squirrels got to be
dead first, boy,
I told you.
Your Aunt Stinky mixed up
a fresh batch of lemon
fish juice.
Why don't you offer
your friend a cup?
There ain't no actual fish
in it, Arnold, it's simple
old lemonade.
But you gotta fish
the bits of lemon
out of it.
That's why we call it
"lemon fish juice."
It's actually
pretty good.
Hey, is that you?
No, that's my pa
as a young 'un.
He's with his
family pet.
Lurkey the turkey.
And this here's the whole
family at Thanksgiving dinner
that year.
They had Lurkey
with all the trimmings.
They "had" Lurkey?
That's's right, Arnold.
Lurkey the turkey.
That's my pa,
he's on their big, old farm
in Arkansas.
Times were good then.
My grandpa and grandma
were mighty good farmers.
They had 40 acres with
all kind of animals
and a real money-making
produce business.
Snap peas, rhubarbs,
tomatoes
and lettuce as big
as your head.
Then times got bad,
the farm commenced
to fail.
So they decided to move
the family to this here
Northern city
and that's the story
of how come we live here.
So your family
gave up farming?
Yep, I reckon it'd be
pretty near impossible
to farm here
surrounded by all
this concrete,
and cinder block and city.
ERNIE: Hey, Arnold,
hey, Stinky,
what do you think of
my new wrecking ball, eh?
Check out the action
on this baby.
You didn't see nothing.
Well, class,
it's officially spring
and you know what that means?
Love is in the air.
Uh, no, Harold.
It means that it's time
to plant something
for the City Farming Fair.
There are three prizes
for the three largest locally
grown vegetables.
I encourage all of you
to plant something
and enter the competition.
Maybe you should enter,
Stinky.
(SIGHS) I sure would
love to, Arnold.
But you got the wrong
customer.
I'm a city boy,
born and bred.
Plus remember, I ain't
no good at nothing.
It ain't worth it.
Nothing will ever grow
in this forsaken place.
Only thing that'll grow
is us growing older
and poorer
till we wither away.
(SIGHS)
VOICE: If you plant them,
they will grow.
Come again?
VOICE: If you plant them,
they will grow.
What's "them"?
And who's "they"?
Ugh, fetch a pencil
and a piece of paper.
I'll go slow.
If you plant seeds,
they'll grow into
vegetables.
Vegetables?
Is there an echo
in here? Yes, vegetables.
Vegetables, vegetables.
Plant them,
they will grow.
How do you know?
(SIGHS) Because I am
a mystical disembodied voice.
Trust me.
Plant them and they
will grow.
Okie-dokie.
(ROOSTER CROWING)
(GRUNTS)
Hey, Stinky.
Wanna go play some ball?
I'm possessed at the moment,
I had a vision that came to me
in a dream.
A vision?
Yep, I'm gonna get
my hands dirty.
(GRUNTS) Just like
my forefathers before me.
I'm gonna plant me
a garden and see
what comes up.
(GRUNTS) 'Course I don't know
what the
The heck I'm doing
farming-wise.
Well, good luck.
STINKY'S FATHER: Stinky.
Yeah, Pa?
I've been watching you
out here all day, son,
and I just wanna say.
That you're proud of me, Pa?
No, that I think you're
a dang fool for trying
to grow something
in this here forsaken
old patch of dirt.
Aw.
"Rid the area of planting
of all weeds and foreign-like
matter."
I done that.
"Break up the clogs
of dirt and old soil."
Hot dog, I did that too.
"Add mulch and manure
to the dirt."
Whoops, I ain't done that.
(SNIFFS) Pee-yew.
Uh, Stinky.
I know I said
you was a dang fool
trying to grow something
in this here forsaken
old patch of dirt.
And I'm still against it.
Since you're so dang set
on doing it,
well, here.
STINKY: What are they, Pa?
They're the family
pumpkin seeds, son.
Passed down to me
from my pa.
From the farm
back in Arkansas.
I doubt if they got
any life in them,
but I guess,
you could give them
a try
plant them
and water them good.
It's called cultivating, son.
"Cultivating."
That's a two-dollar word.
Pa, you're smart.
One day, I hope to be
as smart as you.
Reach for the stars, son.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Wake up, son.
Come on out and see
what all your hard work
has done.
(GASPS) You mean
My pumpkin,
how big is it?
Aw, but it's just
a tiny little leaf.
But it's your
tiny, little leaf, son.
You defied the odds
and proved me wrong.
You made something grow
in this old yard.
This here's magical time,
the commencement of
the life of your vegetable.
Grandpa's magic hoe.
He worked wonders
with it.
Now, you can have it, son.
Pa.
Why didn't you give it
to me when I was plowing
the whole backyard
with a dang soup ladle?
I needed it to prop up
the kitchen table.
Oh.
Strange weather
we're having.
Rain and drought
and snow.
And all in the
same dang week.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Now, that's what I call
a pumpkin, son.
Now all's I gotta do
is figure out
how to move it
to tomorrow's farming fair
competition.
Yep, good luck, son.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Well, we tried
just about everything.
I guess we're not gonna
get my pumpkin
to that fair.
I'm sorry, Stinky.
I reckon it's like
everything else I try
to do, Arnold.
Nothing ever
works out.
(SIGHS)
Wait a minute,
Stinky, what time is it?
Sundial says
20 minutes to 5:00.
I've got an idea,
don't move.
I'll be right back.
MAYOR: Ladies and gentlemen.
Having seen all the entries
in the Largest Vegetable
category,
I'm prepared to hand out
the ribbons.
First prize goes to
ARNOLD: Wait!
(PANTING)
There's one more entry.
I'm sorry, young man,
but the deadline is past
and you're too late.
(TRUCK HORN TOOTING)
(ALL GASPING)
ERNIE: Oh, I got
your largest vegetable, baby.
Right here.
My word, that is
the largest vegetable
I've ever seen.
First prize goes to
Stinky Petersen, ma'am.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thank you,
your mayorship.
I couldn't have done it
without my pa,
my crazy, prophetic dreams
and of course,
the encouragement of
my friend Arnold.
(ALL CHEERING)
Thanks, again
for believing in me, Arnold.
I've finally found something
I've got natural abilities
toward.
Something I'm good at.
Hot dang, I won again.
Aw, you've won
every hand.
That's on account of
I've become a winner,
Harold.
Name of the game
is Seven Cards Stud,
gentlemen.
HAROLD: I wanted
to play Old Maid.
My pumpkin,
my rules.
ARNOLD: Stinky, I don't think
we should play cards
in here anymore.
It's starting to rot.
HAROLD: Oh, and it stinks.
STINKY: I don't care,
it's my lucky card-playing
pumpkin clubhouse.
Now, ante up.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)