House of Lies s04e03 Episode Script
Entropy is Contagious
Previously, on House of Lies Jeannie, you're in the clear.
I guess I taught you well, huh, Jeannie? You out-Marty'd Marty Kaan.
The fact that we have to share space with those douchey proto-fascist mavericks makes me want to strap a bomb to my chest.
If working for me is such an unspeakable misery, get another job.
So this is where you leverage me out.
You're a fucking phony, Malcolm.
And you're a fucking sellout, Martin, but we're still brothers.
I'm pregnant, Marty.
Are you telling me that we're No.
After everything between us, I rekindled something with Edwin.
Yes! I wouldn't have tricked anybody else into marrying me.
I need to tell you something.
I panicked, and I said Edwin.
It's yours.
Can't really get over everything that's happened, but we need to just get through this transition, and then you should leave, for good.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Dig a little deeper Been thinking 'Bout the little thing you said Doesn't sink in And you fought above my head And I don't think I'm ready to go in this heavy I thought we would take it slow And now you got that feeling You say that you mean it But for me I just don't know Ooh, ooh, ooh I can't see it, I don't feel it I need to dig a little deeper I can't say that I won't say it back I need to dig a little deeper Dig a little deeper For you, you, for you, you For you Ooh, ooh, ooh Dig a little deeper For you, you For You, you For You Dig a little deeper Don't feel it in my soul For you I just don't know Oh, oh, oh I just don't know I can't I can't see it, I don't feel it I need to dig a little deeper I can't see it I don't feel it Fuck it.
I need to dig a little deeper For you, you, for You, you, for You Dig a little deeper.
Hey.
Lazybones.
What? Get up and fuck your ovulating wife.
What? Use the Fuck Force, Doug.
Oh, um, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
Sweetie, can you not touch him? Wait Oh, you've got two of them? No, no, no.
It's just the value diminishes exponentially.
But I want to be touched.
I need to be touched.
They don't talk like that.
I will die without human contact! Oh, God, you're scraping.
Don't scrape them, because you'll scratch the surface.
Sarah! Good morning.
Hey.
You want breakfast? Uh, no, I got company.
Big shocker.
I could hear you guys doing it all night.
Hey.
No, seriously, Marty.
I'm already fucked up enough.
Sorry.
Language and don't call you Marty.
Well done.
So, you gonna watch Uncle Malcolm's big debut tonight? Oh, let me think.
No.
Well, he's really excited about it.
I know.
When baby goes poopy, we're supposed to make a big fuss.
It's a big deal to him.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
I'm going to Seattle, and they just don't have TV yet.
Oh.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, I mean, they're just behind.
Is that right? They'll catch up.
Okay.
What is it gonna take, Doug? Well, it certainly won't involve depreciating a valuable investment, Sarah.
This is a toy for a geek.
This? No, no, wrong.
Yes, that.
Incorrect.
Uh-uh.
No, these all are valuable investments-- like-like art or fine wine.
Well, I'm pretty sure fine wine isn't humiliating to have all over your house.
What were you doing to her?! Please.
What? I'm just holding it.
Okay, would you prefer I keep them in an art storage facility? Oh, man, did you just say "art storage facility"? You can't even take them out of the box.
You know that.
And you're touching everything-- your oily fingers and the fecal matter all over them.
Hey.
If I got a black light and I Hey, are we gonna get in this bed and do it? - Oh - Or are you going to make me be bad teacher? Miss Pendegast? Mm-hmm.
She's very mean today.
Well, yes, she has every right to be.
And I'm so sorry that I have been so bad in biology Miss Pendegast.
Frankly, Douglas, your grades have been perverted.
Well, is there anything I can do to get my grades up? We acquired it at three bucks a share and dumped it at $240.
So yeah, there can be some collateral damage, but when you're profit-taking in the billions shit happens.
God, I love when you use the "B" word.
So when are you gonna rape and pillage my company? Mm.
I think I'm gonna stick to raping and pillaging you.
Whoa, don't threaten me with a good time.
Oh, I will.
I will flip this table over right now.
I'll make it happen.
Really? Well, no, seriously, though, I mean why wouldn't Global want to acquire a company like mine? With this Gage account coming in, all this attention, we're gonna be fucking huge.
No, no, educate me.
Well, unlike its namesake, your company is ultimately teensy.
Oh, that's a dick reference.
Mmm.
Yeah, that's right.
Got it.
Okay, well, I'll just escape with the compliment, then.
I mean, if I could take Kaan and Associates and, like, ten other management firms and put them in a blender and strain the fat, then maybe.
Okay, so you're saying if K and A were part of a delicious management consultancy bouillabaisse Mmm.
Yummy.
Yummy.
Kelsey.
Hey, Doug.
Oh, hey.
'Sup? Well, you know, not much.
Not much.
What's wrong with you? Like a Muppet.
This is between me and Kelsey.
Right.
Okay.
So, how's it going at the day care center? Hey guy whose name I don't remember, you're awesome, or whatever, but I made a solemn vow, like, six months ago not to date any assholes for a year, so mark your calendar.
Why don't we slow down there, Peter Pan.
What would give you the impression that I want to date you in the first place? I mean you're not even in my arousal template.
- Bye, Doug.
- Bye.
You're n she's not in my arousal template.
- You know that for a fact.
- Hey.
Tom and Jerry.
Oh, and by the way, Peter Pan is not a put-down, Clyde.
I think you're forgetting Cathy Rigby.
I would tap that.
Oh, yes.
Peter Pan is a boy-- so you want to have sex with a boy? No.
Uh-uh.
No, no, she is a girl who looks like a boy.
Okay? Let's talk brand analysis for Krolls.
I don't think we can walk in there and just wing it.
Yeah, so I pulled their P-and-L's.
They're very solid, okay? I've put together a plug-and-play, did a SWOT analysis I would kind of like to run it against the Five Forces Analysis.
Hey, kiddies, I got it, okay? Okay, do you want to share it? Just draft off my Mensa shit.
You know, I actually have some ideas of my own.
I know that might shock you.
Really? You know, when Mommy and Daddy fight, it hurts me in my no-no place.
Your n your dick.
It hurts you in your dick.
Yes, my dick.
Okay, Krolls beloved folksy skin-care line-- good-- has plateaued-- bad-- and they are looking to K and A, now that we're all shiny and new again, to lead them to the promised land.
Hallelujah! Don't.
What? The upside is that this engagement is wide open, okay? We can write our own ticket.
You really don't care about my input on this engagement, do you? Define "care.
" Their brand health is excellent, okay? And all their survey metrics around intent to purchase are off the charts.
They're on the charts, and skin care is a red ocean, Martin.
We just need to demonstrate that their current management structure-- with, you know, a little assistance from K and A-- can convert their brand to rock star status.
That's it.
Or, conversely, we can encourage them to sell to a major, do some profit-sharing and enjoy their house in the San Juan Islands.
Wrong.
Oh, my God! Dude, you can't You hit me in the balls! Hey.
Thank you, by the way, Jeannie.
Thank you for all this.
Fuck you, Clyde.
No, no, no, I think it's important to give credit where credit is due, and you're the unwitting architect of our new austerity program, so thank you again for all of this.
Okay.
You know what? Once Marty and I sew up the Gage account, your balls will be back in first, you dick.
- Thank you.
- No, hey, hey, hey, hey, no, uh-uh-- I called Marty Shotgun.
Why do you always get Marty Shotgun? He doesn't want to sit next to you, Doug.
Why not? You're the asshole.
Says a tattooed code writer.
Okay? And asshole is way better than utterly intolerable.
Really? Do you really think I'm an asshole? Yeah.
But that's kind of your brand, you know? People see you and they're like, "Oh, look, "it's Clyde, what an asshole, what a great Asshole.
asshole.
" Yeah.
Am I really intolerable? Yes.
Yes.
So, we know Krolls has deep brand equity.
Mm-hmm.
Now, with 30% awareness, with $20 million per point, that's $600 million in brand equity, just for marketing and brand recognition alone.
That's excluding valuations of inventory and infrastructure, which, based on our statistical models, that's another $500 million.
We're looking at a very valuable brand here.
Always nice to hear, but how do we take it to the next level? You double down, Daddy.
Big-time.
How? We make Krolls an entertainment brand.
Okay, we push awareness into the stratosphere with celebrity endorsements, big media tie-ins.
Major brick-and-mortar build-outs.
Look, listen, you guys are going to kick the ass of every skin-care line out there, okay, because you are utterly unique in the marketplace.
Or you sell to a huge multinational, you make about 800 million shitloads of money, you let us walk you through the transition, and you enjoy being grandparents, enjoy your lives.
You live a little.
What's the point of running yourself into the ground? You guys have built something amazing already.
Or-or-or you can take this amazing company that you've already built and see it to fruition This is a graph of awareness investment erosion.
Say you go Marty's way and it costs $100 million each to launch five line extensions, giving you a five-point bump in awareness, which is really only a $20 million profit, given the current 24% margin, so Marty's plan is a great way to lose $80 million fast.
Whoa.
In all fairness, this is just theoretical.
We haven't really run it through our all of our metrics.
Also very interesting.
So, Jeannie, are you going to be running point on this project? I would certainly I It's Marty, would I be running point? Or am I out on the street? Get your cardboard box ready.
No, no.
No, no.
This is this is it, though.
Consulting at its best.
Very spirited exchange of ideas.
This is how we take a great company like yours and push it to be even greater.
I mean, this, all of this, we-we hope this demonstrates how Kaan and Associates can help your company to really reach its apotheosis.
So, let's just do this.
Let's regroup tomorrow, and we will present you with our very detailed brand strategy.
I think I-I think you're going to be amazed.
I really do.
Fuck! And some may cry Mm! And some may bleed Ooh.
Yeah.
You're waging wars inside of me What are you doing? What are you doing? One more round of absinthe, thank you, sir.
Drink 'em slow.
They're deadly.
Uh, I think I know a little something about absinthe, my friend.
It's hallucinogenic.
I tell people, 'cause there's a tendency to creep up on 'em I just said I know all about it.
Doug Like that.
It's happening already.
He's not listening, you know? Doug, I don't even like absinthe, and I will drink anything that makes me forget.
Do you know what Oscar Wilde said about absinthe? I do.
I wasn't asking you, guy! You're probably going to want to get out of the line of fire.
You know you made a mistake, right? He's wearing his fighting glasses.
He said the first glass of absinthe makes you see things the way you wish they were.
Oh.
And after the second, you see thing the way they are not.
They're not.
Finally, well, then you see things the way they really are, and that, my friends, that is the most horrible thing of all.
To you, absinthe.
You do know that's a sipping drink, right? You're about to get a brick in the face.
I know how to drink absinthe, man.
Gunning for Marty.
Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty.
Shit.
I think it's pretty clear what Sister Meghan is talking about.
There's a complete and total denial of the essential Black Experience in White America.
Mr.
Kaan, I'm not going to sit here and be goaded into a conversation about racial injustice in America simply because you cannot rebut my point.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
No, the point is, White America and white folk are just tired of hearing it.
My own brother, Martin, sat in a federal prison for six months because our patriarchal, uh, kangaroo court system denied him due process! Well, I know we all certainly look forward to watching this on cable news for the next month.
Oh, oh, oh, oh You shake and rattle my bones Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're definitely going to need beverages now.
Why do you break me down so? Oh, oh, oh, oh You shake and rattle my bones Oh, oh, oh, oh Why do you break me down so? Oh, oh, oh, oh You shake and rattle my bones Oh, oh, oh, oh, why do you break me down so? Right, because, you know, it used to make for great sex, always, but then it gets to a point, then it's just too crazy.
You know, and the baby thing.
Now she's just, "We, we, we, we.
" She's giving funny voices to my action figures.
Your Action figures? Your Action figures.
Your You have action figures? Yeah.
Really? That's shocking to you? No.
They're They're valuable collector's items, Clyde.
Yeah, it's true.
I've never even taken them out of the out of the packaging.
Oh, that makes it much less pathetic.
Right? Still in the packaging.
That's not even the worst of it, man.
Go, go.
Oh, please tell me.
Ugh, I can't shake this feeling.
Maybe I'm crazy, um, but I get this feeling that she might murder me in my sleep.
Do you get that vibe? I could see it.
Yeah.
You know what? If I was going to murder you, that's when I would do it.
That's what I think she's thinking.
And with the arrests and everything I'm sorry.
What did you say? What did you just say? Stop it.
It's not funny, Clyde.
It's kind of funny.
It's not.
No.
She has a very alarming and real history of, uh, nude stalking.
Nude stalking.
Yes, nude stalking.
No, no, no, Marty.
Nude stalking.
Don't tell people that.
I shouldn't have even told you.
But now that I have You might as well keep going.
She was arrested in the yard of an ex-boyfriend au naturel.
Twice.
She's even done some time at UCLA Psychiatric.
Quick question: Of course that's the same boyfriend for both times? Two different boyfriends.
That's serial nude stalker.
Um Serial nude stalker.
Oh, fuck.
What's happening? I just came a little bit.
Ooh.
I got too excited 'cause you said serial nude If it was one person.
No, I get it, I get it.
Sensitive, sensitive, sensitive.
Oh.
Yep.
I have to confront her.
I do.
It's clear to me.
I have to confront her.
You're going to confront her, Doug? Sweet, sweet Doug.
Come on.
You're the most passive-aggressive motherfucker I ever met.
There's no way you're going to confront her.
I mean, not directly.
Oh, okay, would a passive-aggressive motherfucker text somebody so they don't have to talk to them face-to-face? That's that's actually the defini That's a passive-aggressive text confrontation.
Okay, then yeah.
Fine, I'm not arguing with you.
And guess what I'm doing, 'cause I'm going to tell her right now.
I have to.
Things have got to change.
And she's got to stop being so fucking crazy.
I'm going to say that.
Passive-aggressive text confrontation.
I can't believe I'm going to do this, 'cause this goes against everything that we believe in, but Do it.
maybe you don't text her.
Maybe Oh, no.
Oh, no, come on.
This is Oscar Wilde was right.
I'm finally seeing things clearly for the very first time.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
It's time for Doug to take care of Doug.
Goddamn right.
Right.
That's right.
Hey, man, my wife is cray-cray, yo.
Word.
Yeah, he gets it.
No, he's fine.
He's fine.
That's a first draft.
Let him keep going.
Dios mÃo.
Doug, are you serious? Don't text that last part.
Doug, this is a novel.
Hold up, hold up.
Did you mean to say, "You are a crazy country"? It's auto correct, but the word's still in there.
The word the first part of that word makes sense.
If she reads it out loud, she'll get it.
I'll fix that.
Dude, this is unbelievably harsh.
How about this? We go back to the hotel, we think about it, we probably don't send it.
Hold on a second.
Do you think that she's going to get the part here where you say you feel like Oscar Wilde sitting in a cafe on the Left Bank having an epiphany? Yeah.
She'll get the gist.
It seems a little arch.
I can't make it any clearer than that, Marty.
Fuck it, send it.
Yeah.
Yeah, send it.
If you're an idiot, send it.
Well, then so it shall be.
Don't, you know, like Did You just send it? Did you just send the text? Yeah, which I pushed that button there.
That's send.
That'll send it.
Yeah, that's send.
You can't unsend something once you? No, no.
I don't feel good.
That's regret.
- Is that what it is? Okay.
- Yeah.
Do you want some more alcohol, maybe? Yes.
Oh, good idea.
Yeah, one more round of absinthe, barkeep.
But you can't unsend once? No.
That's what I thought.
Hey, Doug? Yeah? Can you smell this and tell me if you want to throw up from it.
Huh? Oh, God, Clyde, stop it.
Oh, shit.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Are you ready to get your brand on? Yeah, well, that's the thing, Marty.
Mr.
Kroll, if I could just stop you, please.
We've we've traveled a traveled a long way and we really understand this company.
If you just give us an opportunity We thought your exploration of our company was insightful, fresh, honest.
Excellent.
Excellent.
And now, when we really start to drill down There's not going to be any drilling down, Marty.
Well, hold on a second.
Why not? I mean, you haven't seen us drill yet.
We are excellent drillers.
He was voted most likely to drill.
Show him, Doug.
Show him.
He will get to the bottom of this.
Your ideas are in direct conflict with Ms.
Van der Hooven's.
And that is simply intolerable.
A company at war within itself is not a company with which we can do business.
Let me stop you there for a second.
I think the purpose of having two different points of view Mr.
and Mrs.
Kroll, we really need this job.
Personally, I'm going through a tough time right now.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Entropy is contagious.
Doug's been very offensive.
He has? Yes.
He has! He has! Show him, Fish Head.
Okay.
Uh, I know women are meant to be loved and understood, but, Sarah, your destructive behavior has plagued Oh, really? It's been me? Don't do that to yourself, girl.
I'm sorry.
It's not me.
It's not just me.
That's right.
It's not just you.
That makes me very mad.
That makes me very mad, too.
Makes me mad.
I'm sorry that's happening to you, my darling.
Thank you.
What do you think, Sparkle Cape? I don't know, Fish Head.
What do you think? I think that we should F Doug in the A! Kelsey.
Oh, hey.
Hey, it's me, the asshole, remember? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
That was actually kind of asshole-ish of me.
Yeah, I wasn't even trying to hit on you before, by the way.
At least I don't think I was trying to hit on you.
I can't tell anymore.
Hey what do you guys do over here anyway? Ah, we make magic.
Yeah, sorry.
That was an asshole thing to say.
Do you do any tech consulting? Yes.
Actually, that's kind of my thing.
Why? Well, I have an idea for an app, but these douche bags are just too busy spending all the VC on sushi to even listen.
Oh, lucky for you, I hate sushi, and I would love to hear your idea.
What is it? Okay, um It's called "Housecallz.
" It's basically Uber, but with doctors.
With doctors.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Delivered to your door on a GPS-based platform.
It's actually kind of brilliant, Kels.
Thanks, Clyde.
Mm.
So, you do know my name.
Mm Kind of know my name.
Now, can you write that code? 'Cause, if so, I can calculate the optimal price points, and I can help you get this off the ground.
That is, if you'll let me help you.
I've actually already written that code, while the brain trust were busy practicing their backside airs.
Something terrible's gonna happen in three, two, one.
So, look, I think something terrible's happened.
I-I was just down getting my mochaccino, like I always do-- the special one with the almond milk Finish.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Right.
So, my ATM card didn't work, and then my credit card didn't work.
So, I'm thinking that maybe there's something wrong with the magnetic strips, like if my cell phone, too close to my Well, have you maybe checked your bank account? After all that rage-texting you did to your wife last night.
You don't think that maybe? What does that mean? What are you talking about? Don't be a fucking asshole.
What does that mean? Don't call me a fucking asshole.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Did you really black out last night? You don't remember the texting at all? No.
You don't remember the nude stalking? Hey! Shh! How do you know about that? How do you know that? The lecture on absinthe? Why don't you check your text messages? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
Sarah.
My money! Excuse me.
Sarah! So Yeah.
Where's the part where you rip me a new one for blowing the gig? Ah, you know.
Mm, I don't think I do, Marty.
Well You know, since you're transitioning out of here anyway I mean, I don't see the point in making a big deal about it.
So, that's it? Seriously? Uh, yeah.
I mean, don't don't do it again.
After I told you that I am carrying your baby, I'm I kind of can't believe that you have no reaction.
This This is This is my reaction.
Hey, Roscoe.
How was school, buddy? It was a'ight.
Yeah.
A'ight.
How was Seattle? Oh, it was amazing.
Uh, I had Starbucks on the Space Needle with Pearl Jam.
Damn, you live the good life.
Holy shit.
It's the hunky Cornell West.
Ah, somebody's been reading my press.
Oh, somebody just won't stop sending it to me.
You really can't miss it.
Well, he's quite the self-promoter.
So, uh, did you see the shout-out I gave you last night? I did.
That was so awesome.
You know, I really loved the part where you outed my prison time to millions of people who had no idea.
It's gonna help the business so much, Pops.
Whoa.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, playboy.
Baretta.
Right.
Anyway, I was just telling Pop and Roscoe about my sizzle reel for the show that I'm pitching to MSNBC.
It's the shit.
Oh.
I'm-I'm sure it's the shit.
Be sure to include in your sizzle reel how you exploit your family for your own personal gain, 'cause that's a crowd pleaser.
You know, maybe you know, maybe if you didn't take the fall for your baby mama Jeannie.
You remember her, right? Yeah, maybe things would have turned out a little differently, Marty.
I forgot the Parmesan.
I'm gonna No, it's okay.
It's okay.
We're good.
It's okay.
Why'd you tell him, Dad? Well, he is your brother, Marty.
Are-are you sure? Well, shit, I apologize.
I didn't know that you didn't tell him.
Yeah, you should, Malcolm.
You got a big fucking mouth.
You got a big Shut the fuck up, Dad! Hey.
Stop trying to do damage control.
The damage is done.
Congratulations.
Okay, I mean, your narcissism wins again.
Okay, okay.
I mean, it's bigger than all of us, Dad.
Listen, listen.
I was trying to find the right time to tell you.
I didn't want it to just get blurted out.
Dad, you don't get to control how the world happens for me anymore.
You don't get to just set down all the land mines and decide when I step on them.
Look, little man, Uncle Malcolm would never just I'm not your little man, Malcolm.
You're a crappy uncle, okay, and, Dad, you know, I love Jeannie, I do.
I probably would have been super happy about this whole thing if you would have had the balls to tell me.
Roscoe, we really were starting to tell you Shut up, Grandpa.
Hey! Hey! I mean, I can't believe you knew about this information, and you still didn't You know, forget it.
You guys are a bunch of fucking cowards.
You better Okay, sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'm not sitting down.
I said sit down! Now, no.
No.
You don't get to take your family down like this.
We've all been through some tough times.
All of us.
But that's what family is, that's what this is, and sometimes, it's a fucking disaster.
But we go through that fucking disaster together.
That's what family is.
And you don't ever get to tell me to shut up.
Do you understand me? Yes, sir.
Roscoe? Roscoe! Forget it! Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop.
What? Let him go.
What? Sarah?! Sarah? Ugh.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
She broke the seal.
Oh Oh.
Oh, God.
She broke the seal.
This is a song about somebody else So don't worry yourself, worry yourself The devil's right there, right there in the details And you don't want to hurt yourself, hurt yourself By looking too closely By looking too closely No, no, no, no And I could be wrong about anybody else
I guess I taught you well, huh, Jeannie? You out-Marty'd Marty Kaan.
The fact that we have to share space with those douchey proto-fascist mavericks makes me want to strap a bomb to my chest.
If working for me is such an unspeakable misery, get another job.
So this is where you leverage me out.
You're a fucking phony, Malcolm.
And you're a fucking sellout, Martin, but we're still brothers.
I'm pregnant, Marty.
Are you telling me that we're No.
After everything between us, I rekindled something with Edwin.
Yes! I wouldn't have tricked anybody else into marrying me.
I need to tell you something.
I panicked, and I said Edwin.
It's yours.
Can't really get over everything that's happened, but we need to just get through this transition, and then you should leave, for good.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Dig a little deeper Been thinking 'Bout the little thing you said Doesn't sink in And you fought above my head And I don't think I'm ready to go in this heavy I thought we would take it slow And now you got that feeling You say that you mean it But for me I just don't know Ooh, ooh, ooh I can't see it, I don't feel it I need to dig a little deeper I can't say that I won't say it back I need to dig a little deeper Dig a little deeper For you, you, for you, you For you Ooh, ooh, ooh Dig a little deeper For you, you For You, you For You Dig a little deeper Don't feel it in my soul For you I just don't know Oh, oh, oh I just don't know I can't I can't see it, I don't feel it I need to dig a little deeper I can't see it I don't feel it Fuck it.
I need to dig a little deeper For you, you, for You, you, for You Dig a little deeper.
Hey.
Lazybones.
What? Get up and fuck your ovulating wife.
What? Use the Fuck Force, Doug.
Oh, um, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
Sweetie, can you not touch him? Wait Oh, you've got two of them? No, no, no.
It's just the value diminishes exponentially.
But I want to be touched.
I need to be touched.
They don't talk like that.
I will die without human contact! Oh, God, you're scraping.
Don't scrape them, because you'll scratch the surface.
Sarah! Good morning.
Hey.
You want breakfast? Uh, no, I got company.
Big shocker.
I could hear you guys doing it all night.
Hey.
No, seriously, Marty.
I'm already fucked up enough.
Sorry.
Language and don't call you Marty.
Well done.
So, you gonna watch Uncle Malcolm's big debut tonight? Oh, let me think.
No.
Well, he's really excited about it.
I know.
When baby goes poopy, we're supposed to make a big fuss.
It's a big deal to him.
Yeah, but here's the thing.
I'm going to Seattle, and they just don't have TV yet.
Oh.
I didn't know that.
Yeah, I mean, they're just behind.
Is that right? They'll catch up.
Okay.
What is it gonna take, Doug? Well, it certainly won't involve depreciating a valuable investment, Sarah.
This is a toy for a geek.
This? No, no, wrong.
Yes, that.
Incorrect.
Uh-uh.
No, these all are valuable investments-- like-like art or fine wine.
Well, I'm pretty sure fine wine isn't humiliating to have all over your house.
What were you doing to her?! Please.
What? I'm just holding it.
Okay, would you prefer I keep them in an art storage facility? Oh, man, did you just say "art storage facility"? You can't even take them out of the box.
You know that.
And you're touching everything-- your oily fingers and the fecal matter all over them.
Hey.
If I got a black light and I Hey, are we gonna get in this bed and do it? - Oh - Or are you going to make me be bad teacher? Miss Pendegast? Mm-hmm.
She's very mean today.
Well, yes, she has every right to be.
And I'm so sorry that I have been so bad in biology Miss Pendegast.
Frankly, Douglas, your grades have been perverted.
Well, is there anything I can do to get my grades up? We acquired it at three bucks a share and dumped it at $240.
So yeah, there can be some collateral damage, but when you're profit-taking in the billions shit happens.
God, I love when you use the "B" word.
So when are you gonna rape and pillage my company? Mm.
I think I'm gonna stick to raping and pillaging you.
Whoa, don't threaten me with a good time.
Oh, I will.
I will flip this table over right now.
I'll make it happen.
Really? Well, no, seriously, though, I mean why wouldn't Global want to acquire a company like mine? With this Gage account coming in, all this attention, we're gonna be fucking huge.
No, no, educate me.
Well, unlike its namesake, your company is ultimately teensy.
Oh, that's a dick reference.
Mmm.
Yeah, that's right.
Got it.
Okay, well, I'll just escape with the compliment, then.
I mean, if I could take Kaan and Associates and, like, ten other management firms and put them in a blender and strain the fat, then maybe.
Okay, so you're saying if K and A were part of a delicious management consultancy bouillabaisse Mmm.
Yummy.
Yummy.
Kelsey.
Hey, Doug.
Oh, hey.
'Sup? Well, you know, not much.
Not much.
What's wrong with you? Like a Muppet.
This is between me and Kelsey.
Right.
Okay.
So, how's it going at the day care center? Hey guy whose name I don't remember, you're awesome, or whatever, but I made a solemn vow, like, six months ago not to date any assholes for a year, so mark your calendar.
Why don't we slow down there, Peter Pan.
What would give you the impression that I want to date you in the first place? I mean you're not even in my arousal template.
- Bye, Doug.
- Bye.
You're n she's not in my arousal template.
- You know that for a fact.
- Hey.
Tom and Jerry.
Oh, and by the way, Peter Pan is not a put-down, Clyde.
I think you're forgetting Cathy Rigby.
I would tap that.
Oh, yes.
Peter Pan is a boy-- so you want to have sex with a boy? No.
Uh-uh.
No, no, she is a girl who looks like a boy.
Okay? Let's talk brand analysis for Krolls.
I don't think we can walk in there and just wing it.
Yeah, so I pulled their P-and-L's.
They're very solid, okay? I've put together a plug-and-play, did a SWOT analysis I would kind of like to run it against the Five Forces Analysis.
Hey, kiddies, I got it, okay? Okay, do you want to share it? Just draft off my Mensa shit.
You know, I actually have some ideas of my own.
I know that might shock you.
Really? You know, when Mommy and Daddy fight, it hurts me in my no-no place.
Your n your dick.
It hurts you in your dick.
Yes, my dick.
Okay, Krolls beloved folksy skin-care line-- good-- has plateaued-- bad-- and they are looking to K and A, now that we're all shiny and new again, to lead them to the promised land.
Hallelujah! Don't.
What? The upside is that this engagement is wide open, okay? We can write our own ticket.
You really don't care about my input on this engagement, do you? Define "care.
" Their brand health is excellent, okay? And all their survey metrics around intent to purchase are off the charts.
They're on the charts, and skin care is a red ocean, Martin.
We just need to demonstrate that their current management structure-- with, you know, a little assistance from K and A-- can convert their brand to rock star status.
That's it.
Or, conversely, we can encourage them to sell to a major, do some profit-sharing and enjoy their house in the San Juan Islands.
Wrong.
Oh, my God! Dude, you can't You hit me in the balls! Hey.
Thank you, by the way, Jeannie.
Thank you for all this.
Fuck you, Clyde.
No, no, no, I think it's important to give credit where credit is due, and you're the unwitting architect of our new austerity program, so thank you again for all of this.
Okay.
You know what? Once Marty and I sew up the Gage account, your balls will be back in first, you dick.
- Thank you.
- No, hey, hey, hey, hey, no, uh-uh-- I called Marty Shotgun.
Why do you always get Marty Shotgun? He doesn't want to sit next to you, Doug.
Why not? You're the asshole.
Says a tattooed code writer.
Okay? And asshole is way better than utterly intolerable.
Really? Do you really think I'm an asshole? Yeah.
But that's kind of your brand, you know? People see you and they're like, "Oh, look, "it's Clyde, what an asshole, what a great Asshole.
asshole.
" Yeah.
Am I really intolerable? Yes.
Yes.
So, we know Krolls has deep brand equity.
Mm-hmm.
Now, with 30% awareness, with $20 million per point, that's $600 million in brand equity, just for marketing and brand recognition alone.
That's excluding valuations of inventory and infrastructure, which, based on our statistical models, that's another $500 million.
We're looking at a very valuable brand here.
Always nice to hear, but how do we take it to the next level? You double down, Daddy.
Big-time.
How? We make Krolls an entertainment brand.
Okay, we push awareness into the stratosphere with celebrity endorsements, big media tie-ins.
Major brick-and-mortar build-outs.
Look, listen, you guys are going to kick the ass of every skin-care line out there, okay, because you are utterly unique in the marketplace.
Or you sell to a huge multinational, you make about 800 million shitloads of money, you let us walk you through the transition, and you enjoy being grandparents, enjoy your lives.
You live a little.
What's the point of running yourself into the ground? You guys have built something amazing already.
Or-or-or you can take this amazing company that you've already built and see it to fruition This is a graph of awareness investment erosion.
Say you go Marty's way and it costs $100 million each to launch five line extensions, giving you a five-point bump in awareness, which is really only a $20 million profit, given the current 24% margin, so Marty's plan is a great way to lose $80 million fast.
Whoa.
In all fairness, this is just theoretical.
We haven't really run it through our all of our metrics.
Also very interesting.
So, Jeannie, are you going to be running point on this project? I would certainly I It's Marty, would I be running point? Or am I out on the street? Get your cardboard box ready.
No, no.
No, no.
This is this is it, though.
Consulting at its best.
Very spirited exchange of ideas.
This is how we take a great company like yours and push it to be even greater.
I mean, this, all of this, we-we hope this demonstrates how Kaan and Associates can help your company to really reach its apotheosis.
So, let's just do this.
Let's regroup tomorrow, and we will present you with our very detailed brand strategy.
I think I-I think you're going to be amazed.
I really do.
Fuck! And some may cry Mm! And some may bleed Ooh.
Yeah.
You're waging wars inside of me What are you doing? What are you doing? One more round of absinthe, thank you, sir.
Drink 'em slow.
They're deadly.
Uh, I think I know a little something about absinthe, my friend.
It's hallucinogenic.
I tell people, 'cause there's a tendency to creep up on 'em I just said I know all about it.
Doug Like that.
It's happening already.
He's not listening, you know? Doug, I don't even like absinthe, and I will drink anything that makes me forget.
Do you know what Oscar Wilde said about absinthe? I do.
I wasn't asking you, guy! You're probably going to want to get out of the line of fire.
You know you made a mistake, right? He's wearing his fighting glasses.
He said the first glass of absinthe makes you see things the way you wish they were.
Oh.
And after the second, you see thing the way they are not.
They're not.
Finally, well, then you see things the way they really are, and that, my friends, that is the most horrible thing of all.
To you, absinthe.
You do know that's a sipping drink, right? You're about to get a brick in the face.
I know how to drink absinthe, man.
Gunning for Marty.
Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty.
Shit.
I think it's pretty clear what Sister Meghan is talking about.
There's a complete and total denial of the essential Black Experience in White America.
Mr.
Kaan, I'm not going to sit here and be goaded into a conversation about racial injustice in America simply because you cannot rebut my point.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
No, the point is, White America and white folk are just tired of hearing it.
My own brother, Martin, sat in a federal prison for six months because our patriarchal, uh, kangaroo court system denied him due process! Well, I know we all certainly look forward to watching this on cable news for the next month.
Oh, oh, oh, oh You shake and rattle my bones Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're definitely going to need beverages now.
Why do you break me down so? Oh, oh, oh, oh You shake and rattle my bones Oh, oh, oh, oh Why do you break me down so? Oh, oh, oh, oh You shake and rattle my bones Oh, oh, oh, oh, why do you break me down so? Right, because, you know, it used to make for great sex, always, but then it gets to a point, then it's just too crazy.
You know, and the baby thing.
Now she's just, "We, we, we, we.
" She's giving funny voices to my action figures.
Your Action figures? Your Action figures.
Your You have action figures? Yeah.
Really? That's shocking to you? No.
They're They're valuable collector's items, Clyde.
Yeah, it's true.
I've never even taken them out of the out of the packaging.
Oh, that makes it much less pathetic.
Right? Still in the packaging.
That's not even the worst of it, man.
Go, go.
Oh, please tell me.
Ugh, I can't shake this feeling.
Maybe I'm crazy, um, but I get this feeling that she might murder me in my sleep.
Do you get that vibe? I could see it.
Yeah.
You know what? If I was going to murder you, that's when I would do it.
That's what I think she's thinking.
And with the arrests and everything I'm sorry.
What did you say? What did you just say? Stop it.
It's not funny, Clyde.
It's kind of funny.
It's not.
No.
She has a very alarming and real history of, uh, nude stalking.
Nude stalking.
Yes, nude stalking.
No, no, no, Marty.
Nude stalking.
Don't tell people that.
I shouldn't have even told you.
But now that I have You might as well keep going.
She was arrested in the yard of an ex-boyfriend au naturel.
Twice.
She's even done some time at UCLA Psychiatric.
Quick question: Of course that's the same boyfriend for both times? Two different boyfriends.
That's serial nude stalker.
Um Serial nude stalker.
Oh, fuck.
What's happening? I just came a little bit.
Ooh.
I got too excited 'cause you said serial nude If it was one person.
No, I get it, I get it.
Sensitive, sensitive, sensitive.
Oh.
Yep.
I have to confront her.
I do.
It's clear to me.
I have to confront her.
You're going to confront her, Doug? Sweet, sweet Doug.
Come on.
You're the most passive-aggressive motherfucker I ever met.
There's no way you're going to confront her.
I mean, not directly.
Oh, okay, would a passive-aggressive motherfucker text somebody so they don't have to talk to them face-to-face? That's that's actually the defini That's a passive-aggressive text confrontation.
Okay, then yeah.
Fine, I'm not arguing with you.
And guess what I'm doing, 'cause I'm going to tell her right now.
I have to.
Things have got to change.
And she's got to stop being so fucking crazy.
I'm going to say that.
Passive-aggressive text confrontation.
I can't believe I'm going to do this, 'cause this goes against everything that we believe in, but Do it.
maybe you don't text her.
Maybe Oh, no.
Oh, no, come on.
This is Oscar Wilde was right.
I'm finally seeing things clearly for the very first time.
Yeah.
No, no, no.
It's time for Doug to take care of Doug.
Goddamn right.
Right.
That's right.
Hey, man, my wife is cray-cray, yo.
Word.
Yeah, he gets it.
No, he's fine.
He's fine.
That's a first draft.
Let him keep going.
Dios mÃo.
Doug, are you serious? Don't text that last part.
Doug, this is a novel.
Hold up, hold up.
Did you mean to say, "You are a crazy country"? It's auto correct, but the word's still in there.
The word the first part of that word makes sense.
If she reads it out loud, she'll get it.
I'll fix that.
Dude, this is unbelievably harsh.
How about this? We go back to the hotel, we think about it, we probably don't send it.
Hold on a second.
Do you think that she's going to get the part here where you say you feel like Oscar Wilde sitting in a cafe on the Left Bank having an epiphany? Yeah.
She'll get the gist.
It seems a little arch.
I can't make it any clearer than that, Marty.
Fuck it, send it.
Yeah.
Yeah, send it.
If you're an idiot, send it.
Well, then so it shall be.
Don't, you know, like Did You just send it? Did you just send the text? Yeah, which I pushed that button there.
That's send.
That'll send it.
Yeah, that's send.
You can't unsend something once you? No, no.
I don't feel good.
That's regret.
- Is that what it is? Okay.
- Yeah.
Do you want some more alcohol, maybe? Yes.
Oh, good idea.
Yeah, one more round of absinthe, barkeep.
But you can't unsend once? No.
That's what I thought.
Hey, Doug? Yeah? Can you smell this and tell me if you want to throw up from it.
Huh? Oh, God, Clyde, stop it.
Oh, shit.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Are you ready to get your brand on? Yeah, well, that's the thing, Marty.
Mr.
Kroll, if I could just stop you, please.
We've we've traveled a traveled a long way and we really understand this company.
If you just give us an opportunity We thought your exploration of our company was insightful, fresh, honest.
Excellent.
Excellent.
And now, when we really start to drill down There's not going to be any drilling down, Marty.
Well, hold on a second.
Why not? I mean, you haven't seen us drill yet.
We are excellent drillers.
He was voted most likely to drill.
Show him, Doug.
Show him.
He will get to the bottom of this.
Your ideas are in direct conflict with Ms.
Van der Hooven's.
And that is simply intolerable.
A company at war within itself is not a company with which we can do business.
Let me stop you there for a second.
I think the purpose of having two different points of view Mr.
and Mrs.
Kroll, we really need this job.
Personally, I'm going through a tough time right now.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Entropy is contagious.
Doug's been very offensive.
He has? Yes.
He has! He has! Show him, Fish Head.
Okay.
Uh, I know women are meant to be loved and understood, but, Sarah, your destructive behavior has plagued Oh, really? It's been me? Don't do that to yourself, girl.
I'm sorry.
It's not me.
It's not just me.
That's right.
It's not just you.
That makes me very mad.
That makes me very mad, too.
Makes me mad.
I'm sorry that's happening to you, my darling.
Thank you.
What do you think, Sparkle Cape? I don't know, Fish Head.
What do you think? I think that we should F Doug in the A! Kelsey.
Oh, hey.
Hey, it's me, the asshole, remember? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
That was actually kind of asshole-ish of me.
Yeah, I wasn't even trying to hit on you before, by the way.
At least I don't think I was trying to hit on you.
I can't tell anymore.
Hey what do you guys do over here anyway? Ah, we make magic.
Yeah, sorry.
That was an asshole thing to say.
Do you do any tech consulting? Yes.
Actually, that's kind of my thing.
Why? Well, I have an idea for an app, but these douche bags are just too busy spending all the VC on sushi to even listen.
Oh, lucky for you, I hate sushi, and I would love to hear your idea.
What is it? Okay, um It's called "Housecallz.
" It's basically Uber, but with doctors.
With doctors.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Delivered to your door on a GPS-based platform.
It's actually kind of brilliant, Kels.
Thanks, Clyde.
Mm.
So, you do know my name.
Mm Kind of know my name.
Now, can you write that code? 'Cause, if so, I can calculate the optimal price points, and I can help you get this off the ground.
That is, if you'll let me help you.
I've actually already written that code, while the brain trust were busy practicing their backside airs.
Something terrible's gonna happen in three, two, one.
So, look, I think something terrible's happened.
I-I was just down getting my mochaccino, like I always do-- the special one with the almond milk Finish.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Right.
So, my ATM card didn't work, and then my credit card didn't work.
So, I'm thinking that maybe there's something wrong with the magnetic strips, like if my cell phone, too close to my Well, have you maybe checked your bank account? After all that rage-texting you did to your wife last night.
You don't think that maybe? What does that mean? What are you talking about? Don't be a fucking asshole.
What does that mean? Don't call me a fucking asshole.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Did you really black out last night? You don't remember the texting at all? No.
You don't remember the nude stalking? Hey! Shh! How do you know about that? How do you know that? The lecture on absinthe? Why don't you check your text messages? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, my God.
Sarah.
My money! Excuse me.
Sarah! So Yeah.
Where's the part where you rip me a new one for blowing the gig? Ah, you know.
Mm, I don't think I do, Marty.
Well You know, since you're transitioning out of here anyway I mean, I don't see the point in making a big deal about it.
So, that's it? Seriously? Uh, yeah.
I mean, don't don't do it again.
After I told you that I am carrying your baby, I'm I kind of can't believe that you have no reaction.
This This is This is my reaction.
Hey, Roscoe.
How was school, buddy? It was a'ight.
Yeah.
A'ight.
How was Seattle? Oh, it was amazing.
Uh, I had Starbucks on the Space Needle with Pearl Jam.
Damn, you live the good life.
Holy shit.
It's the hunky Cornell West.
Ah, somebody's been reading my press.
Oh, somebody just won't stop sending it to me.
You really can't miss it.
Well, he's quite the self-promoter.
So, uh, did you see the shout-out I gave you last night? I did.
That was so awesome.
You know, I really loved the part where you outed my prison time to millions of people who had no idea.
It's gonna help the business so much, Pops.
Whoa.
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, playboy.
Baretta.
Right.
Anyway, I was just telling Pop and Roscoe about my sizzle reel for the show that I'm pitching to MSNBC.
It's the shit.
Oh.
I'm-I'm sure it's the shit.
Be sure to include in your sizzle reel how you exploit your family for your own personal gain, 'cause that's a crowd pleaser.
You know, maybe you know, maybe if you didn't take the fall for your baby mama Jeannie.
You remember her, right? Yeah, maybe things would have turned out a little differently, Marty.
I forgot the Parmesan.
I'm gonna No, it's okay.
It's okay.
We're good.
It's okay.
Why'd you tell him, Dad? Well, he is your brother, Marty.
Are-are you sure? Well, shit, I apologize.
I didn't know that you didn't tell him.
Yeah, you should, Malcolm.
You got a big fucking mouth.
You got a big Shut the fuck up, Dad! Hey.
Stop trying to do damage control.
The damage is done.
Congratulations.
Okay, I mean, your narcissism wins again.
Okay, okay.
I mean, it's bigger than all of us, Dad.
Listen, listen.
I was trying to find the right time to tell you.
I didn't want it to just get blurted out.
Dad, you don't get to control how the world happens for me anymore.
You don't get to just set down all the land mines and decide when I step on them.
Look, little man, Uncle Malcolm would never just I'm not your little man, Malcolm.
You're a crappy uncle, okay, and, Dad, you know, I love Jeannie, I do.
I probably would have been super happy about this whole thing if you would have had the balls to tell me.
Roscoe, we really were starting to tell you Shut up, Grandpa.
Hey! Hey! I mean, I can't believe you knew about this information, and you still didn't You know, forget it.
You guys are a bunch of fucking cowards.
You better Okay, sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'm not sitting down.
I said sit down! Now, no.
No.
You don't get to take your family down like this.
We've all been through some tough times.
All of us.
But that's what family is, that's what this is, and sometimes, it's a fucking disaster.
But we go through that fucking disaster together.
That's what family is.
And you don't ever get to tell me to shut up.
Do you understand me? Yes, sir.
Roscoe? Roscoe! Forget it! Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop.
What? Let him go.
What? Sarah?! Sarah? Ugh.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Shit.
Oh, shit.
She broke the seal.
Oh Oh.
Oh, God.
She broke the seal.
This is a song about somebody else So don't worry yourself, worry yourself The devil's right there, right there in the details And you don't want to hurt yourself, hurt yourself By looking too closely By looking too closely No, no, no, no And I could be wrong about anybody else