In Living Color (1990) s04e03 Episode Script

[Rock.]
Hi, I'm Cindy Crawford, and this is M.
T.
V.
's Rock the Vote.
.
.
coming to you from L.
A.
's Hard Rock Cafe.
And we're asking the future of America.
.
.
the M.
T.
V.
Generation.
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.
what they think about the election issues.
Excuse me.
Cindy Crawford, M.
T.
V.
In this election year, what's the number one issue for you? There's too many guns.
Yeah, there shouldn't be so many guns.
Yeah, they should just, um.
.
.
take all the guns and bullets and put 'em in a big.
.
.
- Um, I don't know.
.
.
- Canister.
Yeah, a big canister.
Yeah.
And they should just.
.
.
dump 'em in the sea.
Wow, that's a really good solution.
How do you feel about the problems with the homeless? Now, that's a really big problem.
Yeah, there are a lot of homeless people, man.
Why can't they just take all the homeless people.
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.
and gather 'em up in a big.
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.
- Um, I don't know.
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.
- Canister.
Yeah, and then just dump 'em in the sea.
Strong words indeed.
Hi.
Cindy Crawford, M.
T.
V.
News.
What do you feel about the environment? Uh, I'm for it.
Okay, thank you.
Hi, Cindy Crawford, M.
T.
V.
News.
- Could you tell us the difference between.
.
.
- Hi.
The Republicans and the Democrats? Oh, yeah.
The Republicans have an elephant.
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.
and the Democrats have a little.
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.
horsie.
Wow.
And they say young people aren't informed.
Now, if you were president, what would you do? Oh.
If I were president.
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.
I would make it a law that, uh, everybody got along.
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.
nobody stole or murdered each other.
And how would you enforce that? I'd make it a law.
That's a really good idea.
Thank you.
The voice of young America coming through loud and clear.
So get out and vote because voting is really, really important.
I think Madonna said it best when she said.
.
.
"Voting is really, really important.
" For M.
T.
V.
News, I'm Cindy Crawford.
[Rock.]
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin'listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you'relivin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, go, go Thank you for comin'.
[Sobbing.]
He's with the Lord now.
There, there.
All right.
It's all right.
- All right.
Wait.
- [Straining.]
Wait a minute.
What in.
.
.
Oh, God, it's Cousin Elsee! Cousin Elsee! What are you doing here? You weren't invited.
Oh, I woke up this morning, and my breath was so stinky.
.
.
even my feet were complaining about it.
I said to myself, the only thing that can smell worse than that.
.
.
is the rotten dead corpse of old Uncle Luther.
- That's Uncle Clarence, Elsee.
- Oh, that's right! Luther's funeral was this morning.
This is my fourth one today.
I done see more lifeless bodies than at The Byron Allen Show.
Could we all please be seated? We're about to get underway.
What is that smell? Oh, I'm sorry.
That was me.
The last funeral was catered by Taco Bell.
I guess I better make a run for the border.
[Laughs.]
Anthony! Is that my little Anthony? Don't you act like you don't know Cousin Elsee.
.
.
when we used to take baths together.
I remember when this boy would not take a bath.
You had to beat him upside the head with a billy club to get him in the tub.
Mm-hmm.
He had more crust on him than a sourdough pizza.
Hey.
.
.
So, now, Anthony, you gonna introduce me to this sweet little devil? Yeah.
Cheryl, this is my cousin Horsie.
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.
I mean, Elsee.
- Elsee, Cheryl.
- Hi, baby.
Look at this precious little morsel.
Hair so soft! Is this a weave? Oh, God, and thighs so taut! The inner thighs all taut.
Breasts all firm and perky.
.
.
nipples sticking up like turkey testers.
[Clears Throat.]
Can we get underway now, please? [Elsee.]
Yes, we can.
Clarence was a fine man.
[Laughs.]
I was just thinking about something funny.
Yes, sirree! I remember when I was just a little girl.
.
.
and old Clarence sat me on his knee and gave me a nickel and a kiss.
Well, I got so hot and bothered! Oooh-whee! Talk about water on the knee? "Talk about water on the knee"! [Laughs.]
I'm a lunatic! They need to put me in some Tupperware and lock me away.
Elsee, please! This man has passed away.
- Would you show some respect? - Oh, sure I will.
- Now, what did he die of? - Cancer.
Oh, that cancer is something else.
I lost an ovary and my prostate to cancer.
- Your prostate? - Oh, sure.
Cousin Elsee got a little bit of everything.
- Now, let me just pay my respects.
- Thank you.
Oh, dear lord! Dear.
.
.
Oh! Dear.
.
.
Oh, my heart! Oh, look.
She's passed out cold.
She needs mouth.
.
.
Oh! Somebody.
Reverend, Reverend, Reverend.
Well, l.
.
.
l.
.
.
I guess I got to.
Aaah! Elsee! Cousin Elsee! Back! Back, you unholy Donkey Kong.
Cousin Elsee! Now, come on.
Just pay your last respects and leave.
Please! Oh.
Whoa, boy.
It's a shame to see you go, Cleavon.
- Clarence! - Whatever.
One thing's for sure.
.
.
I can say you look exactly the way I remember you.
Yep.
Exactly.
Well, now that you're going on.
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.
I guess Cousin Elsee should just say good-bye and move on.
- H-Hey.
.
.
- Oh, my God! [Clamoring.]
Woman, you blasphemous gorilla.
[Hip-hop.]
[Fades.]
[Man.]
They're neglected,they're unwanted, they're young.
And, you know,they're available.
Hi, l-I'm Woody Allen.
For just $40 a month, you know.
.
.
which is, mind you, a lot less than the cost of your one hour of analysis.
.
.
you could not only feed one of these.
.
.
these gorgeous, delicious Asian girls.
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.
you know, y-you could also date one.
Believe me, they don't have.
.
.
They don't have homes.
You know, th-they don't have clothes.
They don't even have breasts yet.
You know, just-just think of it as an investment for your future, you know.
Just-Just-Just look at the difference you can make.
You know, right here.
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.
You know, 15 years ago, this girl was just.
.
.
a tiny orphan living in utter squalor.
But, you know, just.
.
.
Ooh, just look at her now.
Ooh, me so hungry.
- Guess who? - Papa Woody! Yes, dear.
Papa.
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.
You know, just.
.
.
You know, don't.
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don't, uh, you say anything.
[Clears Throat.]
I believe it was Sigmund Freud who, uh, once said.
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.
you know, a girl's first love is her father.
But, you know, if I could just interject right here, you know, at this juncture.
It was a lot easier at that point.
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to sneak into a seedy motel under an assumed name.
You know, I don't think I'm being facetious or really even didactic.
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.
when I say, you know, it's not everyone who's got a wife naive enough.
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to, you know, bring one of these nubile, young goddesses home with her, you know.
But, you know, hey, look what it's done for me.
And when it comes to women, I've always been a total loser.
You know, when I was.
.
.
when I was breast-feeding.
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.
I remember my mother, she said to me, you know.
.
.
"I'd kinda like to get to you know you better.
" But, you know, the real beauty of this offer.
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.
is it's totally tax-deductible.
You know, so please call.
.
.
And if-if-if a woman named Mia answers the phone, you know.
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just.
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hang up and try after 11:00.
Her medication will have kicked in by then.
Go, "K-nicks"! [Chuckles.]
That's Knicks, my little blossom.
The New York Knicks.
[Announcer.]
Date the Children.
When a million dollarsin therapyjust isn't enough.
[Hip-hop.]
[Man Rapping.]
Mother Brooks, I don't know how we can thank you for all your advice.
Who needs a marriage counselor? After 50 years of being together.
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.
y'all got to be the expert on staying together.
That's true, sweetheart.
I can't believe what people today get divorced over.
- Mm-hmm.
- Why, I remember when Mr.
Brooks here.
.
.
when I caught him in bed with your Aunt Louise and your Cousin Lester.
I said to myself, " Well, at least he's keeping it in the family.
" Well, the water got rough, but the ship didn't sink! That's right, honey.
We were raised to believe that when people got married.
.
.
they should stay married, through thick and through thin.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- For better of for worse.
Till death do us part.
Now, that's exactly how it's gonna be.
Me and Miss Brooks gonna be together till the day that we die.
Well, I hope that's a long time coming.
Y'all two take care, hear? We love you both.
- All right, now.
- Bye, children.
You know, Mrs.
Brooks.
.
.
Iookin' at your tired, dried-up, wrinkled husk of a body.
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.
made me a might thirsty.
Would you mind fixin' me a nice, cold glass of lemonade? Oh, why, certainly, Mr.
Brooks.
Anything to help a man.
.
.
who can't stand on his own two feet 'cause he ain't got no spine.
[Sneezes.]
- Here you go, Mr.
Brooks, your lemonade.
- Oh! Glory be! Uh-huh.
Yeah, and here's to 50 years of bein' together.
Mr.
Brooks, you ain't going to light up one of those.
.
.
old, nasty, foul-smelling cigars, are you? Well, yes, I am.
This is the only thing in this house.
.
.
that ever gave me satisfaction.
Oh, well, what do you expect, Mr.
Brooks? That stinky cigar smokin' better than you ever have.
Well, now long as we on the subject.
.
.
of funky smells, Miss Brooks.
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.
Them feets of yours is so big and nasty.
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.
you the only woman I know can fill up a mason jar.
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.
with her own toe jam.
That's mighty ironic coming from you, Mr.
Brooks.
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.
with all that burping and passin' gas you do.
I don't know if I'm sleeping with my husband or Mt.
Pinatubo.
Oh, Mr.
Brooks, I think I'd like to get a better look.
.
.
at your life insurance policy.
Do you mind pluggin' that lamp in over there for me? Well, not at all, Miss Brooks.
Not at all.
Let me just find this thing here.
- Are you grounded, Mr.
Brooks? - I beg your pardon? Oh, I hope I didn't wet you.
I'm sorry.
Oh, Lord.
I guess it ain't as wet as it usually get.
.
.
when you forget to wear that damn diaper in bed.
- Well, I'll wear my diaper if you wear some socks.
- [Laughs.]
Those toes of yours look like a row of Brazil nuts.
If you so worried about covering things up.
.
.
please would you stop wearing them see-through negligees? You're body make my stomach spoil.
You got so much hair on your chest.
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.
I need a damn weed whacker to find one of those.
.
.
shriveled, lopsided nipples you got.
Is that so? Well, Mr.
Brooks.
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.
with your false teeth, your glass eye, your wooden leg.
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.
your plastic hip, your pacemaker and your hearing aid.
.
.
you got more attachments than a Hoover Automatic.
At least my parts ain't drooping, Miss Brooks.
Your butt hangs so low.
.
.
you can walk and cover your tracks at the same time.
Mr.
Brooks, would you get that ball of yarn for me, please? Oh, why, sure, Miss Brooks.
Why, sure, Miss Brooks.
[Gunshot.]
Damn kid with the firecrackers! Here's your yarn, Miss Brooks.
Whatcha knittin'? - Oh, I'm knittin' a muzzle.
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.
for your mama.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
It's on now.
Oh, it's on now.
Speaking of mamas.
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.
Your mama's so cockeyed.
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.
she can watch a tennis match, and she don't even move that big head of hers.
- You gone and done it now, Mr.
Brooks.
- Come on! - Ooh! - Ooh! I see you still got your hook.
Well, here I go.
- Uppercut! - [Groans.]
Mr.
Brooks, now you done worked me up.
Let me get my blood pressure medication.
- Ooh, and my heart.
.
.
- Mr.
Brooks! [Doorbell Rings.]
Help! We've fallen, and we can't get up! Grandpa, I left my wallet.
.
.
Why, you frisky little devils! After all those years, Grandpa.
Well, we still together! Well, since you're down there now.
.
.
Please welcome E.
M.
I.
Recording artist.
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.
Gang Starr, featuring Nice & Smooth.
Doin' their new current single, "DWYCK"! [Hip-hop.]
[Gang Starr.]
Come on!Come on! Come on! Come on! Ya know what time it is! Get up out your seat.
Make some noise.
How many people in the place love your mother? If you love your mother, put you hands up like this.
.
.
and wave fromside to side.
- Say hey-oh! - [Audience.]
Hey-oh! - Say hey-oh! - Hey-oh! Somebody scream! [Screaming.]
[Rapping.]
[Man Speaking.]
[Rapping Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Rapping.]
Peace to Brooklyn.
Peace to uptown, the Bronx.
[Fades.]