Keeping Up Appearances s04e03 Episode Script
A Celebrity For the Barbecue
( theme music playing ) ( bitterly ) SONYA BARKER-FINCH.
HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP, DEAR? PROBABLY NOT A LOT, I SUSPECT.
- I HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK.
- I HEARD YOU SNORING.
I'VE HAD A NIGH OF MENTAL ANGUISH.
DIDN'T SOUND LIKE MENTALLY ANGUISHED SNORING.
YOU KNOW ME, RICHARD.
I HAVEN' A SNOBBISH BONE IN MY BODY.
BUT I DO FIND I IRRITATING THAT THOSE BARKER-FINCHES AT NUMBER 23 TO THEIR BARBECUE.
THE DOUGLAS WHAT? CHATER! THEY HAD HIM AT THEIR BARBECUE.
WHAT DID HE TASTE LIKE? NOW DON' BE SILLY, DEAR.
THEY HAD HIM AT THEIR BARBECUE, AND OF COURSE, SHE CAN'T STOP TELLING EVERYBODY.
I CANNOT ABIDE PEOPLE WHO RUN AROUND MAKING A MEAL OUT OF THEIR LITTLE SOCIAL TRIUMPHS.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT, ONSLOW? ANSWER ME.
I'M SORRY, DAISE, I CAN'T TALK OWING TO THE FAC THAT SOME FOOL KEEPS PRODDING ME.
I'MPRODDING YOU.
I WANT TO KNOW, WHY HAVE YOU STARTED STAYING OUT SO LATE? LOOK AT ME, ONSLOW.
STRAIGH IN THE EYES.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? I WAS HERE-- IN BED.
NOT WHEN I WEN TO SLEEP, YOU WEREN'T.
OH, NICE.
YOU WERE SO WORRIED, YOU WENT TO SLEEP.
IT WAS EXHAUSTION CAUSED BY ANXIETY-- MENTAL EXHAUSTION.
I WAS GOING MAD WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.
HOW'S YOUR FATHER THIS MORNING? - DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! - ( Onslow yells ) ( muttering ) IDEAS ABOVE THEIR STATION.
SONYA BARKER-FINCH.
HER CONVERSATION COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN STIMULATING.
MUST HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BARBECUED BRAIN.
THEDOUGLAS CHATER? GOOD HEAVENS, RICHARD! THEDOUGLAS CHATER? ALL MORNING, FROM YOU.
HE ONLY HAPPENS TO BE "CHATER'S BUILDING SUPPLIES.
" OH, HE SELLS CEMENT.
ONE OF OUR LEADING BUILDERS' MERCHANTS.
WHAT'S THIS IN MY DISH? HMM? THAT'S AN EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"THEDOUGLAS CHATER.
" IF EVER I SAW ONE.
NOW-- RICHARD, STOP PLAYING WITH IT, DEAR, AND EAT IT.
( huffs ) WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY USUAL CORN FLAKES? THIS IS NOT A CORN FLAKE ESTABLISHMENT.
HUMPH-- IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
PERHAPS, IN THE DAYS BEFORE THIS EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL WAS MADE AVAILABLE.
NOW IT'S VERY NUTRITIOUS AND HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
- BY WHOM? - THE DUTCH ROYAL FAMILY.
( laughing ) THE DUTCH ROYAL FAMILY? THERE'S A CRES ON THE PACKET.
OH, HYACINTH! I WISH YOU'D STOP BUYING THINGS BECAUSE THERE'S A CREST ON THE PACK-- SO IN FUTURE, WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHA YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAS DON'T SAY CORN FLAKES.
TELL THEM, QUITE TRUTHFULLY, THAT YOU EA AN EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"WITH A CRES ON THE PACKET.
" I WAS WITH A COUPLE OF THE LADS.
- TILL WHAT TIME? - I DON'T KNOW, WE GOT TALKING.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET WITH THE LADS.
WITH THE LADS.
YOU BECOME A MENACE TO THE FEMALE SEX.
DAISY, THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.
I ADMIT I USED TO BE A BIT OF A MENACE WITH THE FEMALE SEX, I WAS DYNAMITE.
WAS AN OWNER'S MANUAL.
BUT I'M RETIRED THESE DAYS.
I WISH I COULD BE SURE.
YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN.
I'M WORK-SHY, BONE IDLE, AND OUT OF CONDITION.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN? I MARRIED YOU, DIDN'T I? WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
YOU WERE STILL BONE IDLE, WORK-SHY AND OUT OF CONDITION.
OH, YEAH.
BUT I WAS BETTER DRESSED.
ELIZABETH? IT'S NOT THAT I'M THE SLIGHTEST BI INTERESTED, OF COURSE, BUT, DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE GE TO THAT BARBECUE? - BARBECUE? - MMM.
DO YOU KNOW IT'S THE STRANGEST THING, I NEVER SPILL ANYTHING AT A BARBECUE.
- REALLY? - WHICH BARBECUE? THOSE BARKER-FINCHES AT NUMBER 23.
NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T GO.
CLEARLY, THE BEST PEOPLE WEREN'T INVITED.
THEDOUGLAS CHATER.
( drawer slams ) I'M SURPRISED HE WASN'T FAR TOO BUSY SUPPLYING MATERIALS TO BUILD EXECUTIVE HOMES.
ANYWAY, I THINK BARBECUES ARE RATHER PASSEÃ THESE DAYS.
- OH-HH! OH, HYACINTH, I'M SO SORRY! - HAVE YOU RUINED YOUR DRESS? - NO, NO, NO.
OH, I SEE, JUST MY TABLE.
- I'VE GOT TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
"BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, DAISY.
HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? IT'S MY SISTER DAISY.
SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE SWIMMING POOL OR THE MERCEDES.
AND THERE'S CERTAINLY NO ROOM FOR A PONY.
YOU'RE NOT RINGING ME TO BREAK BAD NEWS ABOUT DADDY? I'D DIE IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO THAT NOBLE OLD MAN.
MMM.
HE'S FINE? ARE YOU SURE? YOU'RE NOT SHIELDING ME? WELL, MAKE SURE, WILL YOU? YOU KNOW HOW I WORRY.
I'D HAVE HIM HERE IF HE DIDN' MAKE THOSE FUNNY NOISES.
NOW? AND GIVE HIM MY LOVE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT TABLE, ELIZABETH.
I'M SURE IT'S NO BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF WESTERN TECHNOLOGY TO RESURFACE IT.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY A LITTLE YOGA, ELIZABETH? CALM YOUR NERVES.
EVERYWHERE ELSE, HYACINTH, MY NERVES ARE FINE.
IT'S JUST IN THIS HOUSE I GO TO PIECES.
DADDY DOES YOGA, AND LOOK HOW FI HE IS FOR HIS AGE.
PRONOUNCED "TOO HOT TO HANDLE" BY THE OVER-60s.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, ELIZABETH.
OH! OH-HH! TROUBLE, LIZ? OH, RICHARD, I'M SO SORRY.
FOR SOME REASON I GO TO PIECES IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU TOO? IS THAT YOU, RICHARD? HOW QUICK YOU'VE BEEN, DEAR.
CLEARLY FEELING THE BENEFITS OF SHARING A BREAKFAST HABI WITH THE DUTCH ROYAL FAMILY.
TELL ELIZABETH HOW MUCH YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL.
YES, DAISY, I'M HERE.
DADDY IS WHERE? ON THE ROOF? WELL GET HIM DOWN, DEAR.
YES, I KN-- IT'S ABSOLUTELY SPLENDID OF HIM TO BE SO AGILE AS TO GET ON THE ROOF.
BUT WHY IS HE ON THE ROOF? FIRE WATCHING? HE THINKS THERE'S A RAID ON? WHAT A WONDERFUL SENSE OF DUTY DADDY HAS.
IT'S THAT SPIRIT THAT MADE THIS ISLAND GREAT.
MMM-HMM.
BUT GET HIM DOWN, DAISY.
YES.
SOUND THE "ALL-CLEAR" OR SOMETHING, WILL YOU? YOU WANT MY ADVICE ABOUT WHAT? ONSLOW? ( laughing ) WELL, YOU'VE NEVER TAKEN IT BEFORE.
WOULD I BE SURPRISED IF ONSLOW HAD ANOTHER WOMAN? MY DEAR GIRL, I WAS SURPRISED HE GOT ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
( sports announcer speaks on TV ) HE'S ALWAYS HAD THIS MASSIVE APPEAL FOR WOMEN.
HE EXUDES A RAW, SENSUAL MAGNETISM.
WHERE'S MY BOTTLE OPENER? THAT COULD HAVE BEEN HIM WITH VIVIAN LEIGH IN "STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.
" AND NOW HE'S STARTED STOPPING OUT LATE AT NIGHTS.
AND LOOKING AT HIM FROM HERE, HE LOOKS TO ME LIKE SOMEBODY WHO'S UP TO HIS DESIGNER STUBBLE IN STOLEN MOMENTS OF ILLICIT LOVE.
( yells ) I SAID, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOTTLE OPENER? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT, OUR HYACINTH.
MAYBE IF YOU SPOKE TO HIM? HE'D LISTEN TO YOU.
WELL, MAYBE HE WOULDN' LISTEN TO YOU, BUT IF YOU BACKED HIM INTO A CORNER, I'M SURE HE WOULD.
I COULD BRING HIM OVER.
DON'T SHOUT, HYACINTH! ALL RIGHT, I WON'T BRING HIM OVER! WE'LL ARRANGE SOMETHING ELSE.
YOU'LL RING ME? PROMISE? FATHER'S STILL ON THE ROOF.
DON'T TELL ME, I'VE GOT MY OWN TROUBLES.
ONSLOW, FATHER'S ON THE ROOF AGAIN.
ASK HIM IF HE'S GO MY BOTTLE OPENER.
WHY DON'T YOU WEAR IT 'ROUND YOUR NECK? AND LOOK LIKE SOME BIG "SILLY DORIS" WITH A DANGLER? I THINK HE'S GO ANOTHER WOMAN.
HIS BOTTLE OPENER.
DON'T WORRY, LIZ, IT LOOKS FINE.
I THINK IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I GET SO NERVOUS IN HERE.
IT HAPPENS TO LOTS OF PEOPLE, BELIEVE ME.
WELL, LOOK, I REALLY OUGHT TO BE GOING BACK HOME.
DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE PERMISSIBLE FOR ME TO SNEAK AWAY? WHY NOT? I OFTEN DO.
I'LL JUST GO OU THE BACK WAY.
WILL YOU MAKE MY EXCUSES TO HYACINTH? OH, EASILY.
SHE NEVER LISTENS ANYWAY.
- ELIZABETH GONE? - YES.
I HOPE SHE WASN' WORRIED ABOUT MY TABLE.
SHE KNOWS I NEVER MAKE A FUSS ABOUT MY THINGS.
THAT WAS DAISY ON THE PHONE, DEAR.
SHE THINKS THAT ONSLOW'S GOT ANOTHER WOMAN.
ONSLOW? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE COULDN' AFFORD ONE.
- NOW IF IT WAS OLD C.
P.
-- - HMM? C.
P.
BENEDICT.
I MET HIM PASSING THE LIBRARY.
THEC.
P.
BENEDICT? HE'S JUS C.
P.
BENEDICT.
THE GARDEN CENTER KING? HE RUNS A GARDEN CENTER, YES.
BUT HASN'T HE BEEN ON TELEVISION, DEAR, IN THAT GARDENING PROGRAM? I THINK HE HAS BEEN.
( giddy laugh ) RICHARD! FANCY YOU KNOWING C.
P.
BENEDICT.
MIND THE EGGS! OTHERWOMAN.
SHORT-SIGHTED.
I BET SHE'S CHEAP AND COMMON.
HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW THEY ALL GO FOR CHEAP AND COMMON? DON'T KNOCK IT.
I'VE HAD SOME OF MY BEST MOMENTS BEING CHEAP AND COMMON.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK GUILTY, ONSLOW.
I KEEP TELLING YOU THERE IS NO OTHER WOMAN.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL TO YOU AND ABOUT THREE LEADING JOCKEYS.
FAITHFUL? MEN CAN' BE FAITHFUL.
THEY HAVEN'T GO THE NECESSARY GENES.
CAN YOU SEE ME GETTING DRESSED UP FOR OTHER WOMEN? I'D HAVE TO SHAVE, FOR A START.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, DAISE.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS SHAVE FOR OTHER WOMEN.
I'VE HAD "BARBER'S RASH" MORE THAN ONCE, I CAN TELL YOU.
WELL THAT'S IT, THEN.
IF HE'S GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN, I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER MAN.
CAN YOU GET SOMEBODY THAT CAN DO A FEW JOBS ROUND HERE? I'M SICK OF LIVING IN SQUALOR.
I HATE HIM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU KNEW THEC.
P.
BENEDICT? HE'S JUST A MAN WITH A GARDEN CENTER WHO'S BEEN ON TELEVISION.
- HE'S NOT THE AGA KHAN.
- HE'S A CELEBRITY, DEAR.
AND I'M SURE HE'S A MUCH BETTER SOCIAL CATCH THAN BORING OLD DOUGLAS CHATER, WHO'S MERELY IN BUILDING SUPPLIES.
WATCH OUT FOR THE LORRY, DEAR.
IT'S STATIONARY, IT'S NOT MOVING.
I ALWAYS THINK THEY'RE MORE WORRYING WHEN THEY'RE NOT MOVING.
HE'S ONLY A CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE, REALLY.
BUT THAT'S QUITE SUFFICIEN TO ISSUE THE MAN A FRIENDLY INVITATION.
HE'S JUST SOMEBODY I SOMETIMES MEE WALKING HIS DOG.
OH, YOU'VE ME THE DOG AS WELL! OH, RICHARD! HYACINTH-- I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN JUS WALTZ UP TO THE MAN AND INVITE HIM TO A BARBECUE.
NO, DEAR, YOU MAY REST ASSURED THA YOUR FRIEND-- HE'S NOT MY FRIEND! WILL BE INVITED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE ELEGAN THAN A COMMON OLD GARDEN BARBECUE.
FOR MY SUMMER ENTERTAINING, I INTEND TO BRING THE OUTDOORS INDOORS.
WHAT A PITY HE WASN'T IN.
YOU MUS FIND HIM, DEAR.
I DARE SAY YOU'LL CATCH HIM AT ONE OF HIS REGULAR HAUNTS.
SUCH ASWHERE? HE'S YOUR FRIEND, RICHARD, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE HE GOES.
I TOLD YOU, HE'S JUST AN ACQUAINTANCE.
MIND THE TREE, DEAR.
INSIDE? RICHARD, DO STOP SOUNDING PETULANT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SOUNDING SO PETULANT, THIS IS A GREA DAY FOR ME.
I HAVE INVENTED THE OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE.
I JUST WISH THA THERE WASN'T SO MUCH HERE.
LOOK, DEAR, WHEN I INVITE THE GARDEN CENTER KING TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE, I WANT HIM TO FEEL AT HOME.
HE IS A PLANT LOVER.
MIND THE HOLE IN THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHAT ROAD? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I CAN SEE THE ROAD? LIZ, A MOBILE GARDEN HAS JUST PARKED IN HYACINTH'S DRIVE.
- A MOBILE GARDEN? - A GOOD IMITATION, ANYWAY.
GOOD HEAVENS! YOU HEAR ABOU "THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT," NEXT THING YOU KNOW, IT'S PARKED OUTSIDE.
I THINK RICHARD'S UNDER THAT LOT SOMEWHERE.
WITH HYACINTH? NO, NO, SHE ESCAPED, SHE WENT INDOORS.
( both laughing ) INSTEAD OF GIGGLING YOU MIGHT GO AND GIVE RICHARD A HAND.
I WOULDN'T WALK INTO A JUNGLE LIKE THAT WITHOUT A MAP AND A COMPASS.
( laughing ) WE PLOUGH THE FIELDS AND DO MIND MY WALLPAPER, RICHARD.
( Richard grunts ) HELLO, IS THA THE VICAR? HOW ARE YOU, VICAR? THIS IS HYACINTH "BOUQUET.
" ARE YOU THERE? WELL, I THOUGHT I HEARD A LITTLE CRY OF PAIN.
I DO BELIEVE THE VICAR'S IN PAIN, DEAR.
AT LEAST HE'S NO COVERED IN GREENFLY.
NOW IF YOU'RE IN DISTRESS, I'LL COME 'ROUND IMMEDIATELY.
HELLO? HELLO? ARE YOU TH-- ( raps ) LOOK, I WAS SPEAKING TO THE VICAR.
WHO IS THIS? OH, THE VICAR'S WIFE.
( laughing ) HOW ARE YOU DEAR? IT'S HYACINTH "BOUQUET," YES.
I WAS SPEAKING WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
I SEE, HE HAD TO LEAVE IN RATHER A HURRY.
OH, RICHARD! WELL, YES, OF COURSE, I'M SURE YOU DO, DEAR.
IT'S NOT THEOLOGICAL.
WELL, I'M JUST CALLING TO INVITE YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND THE VICAR TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
OH, YES, YOU MUST COME, DEAR.
WE'RE HAVING C.
P.
BENEDICT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HOT OR COLD?" THEC.
P.
BENEDICT-- THE GARDEN CENTER KING WHO'S BEEN ON TELEVISION.
WE'VE NOT EVEN ASKED HIM YET.
I WILL, AS SOON AS YOU FIND OU WHERE HE MIGHT BE.
YOU'VE GO TO MAKE HIM REALIZE THAT YOU'RE STILL ATTRACTIVE TO MEN.
IF I GET DONE UP, DO YOU THINK I WILL STILL BE ATTRACTIVE TO MEN? OH, YOU CAN' GO WRONG.
IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THEY'LL GO FOR ANYTHING.
THANKS.
JUST PUT YOURSELF IN MY HANDS, OUR DAISE, AND I'LL TRANSFORM YOU.
WHAT YOU NEED IS A LITTLE BIT OF INNER CONFIDENCE AND A LOT OF FLASH GEAR.
AND THEN WHAT? I DON'T THINK I KNOW ANY MEN.
WHAT ABOU MR.
PATTERSON? HE WAS DEAD KEEN ON YOU.
HE WAS A DIRTY OLD MAN.
JUST THINK OF HIM AS "YESTERDAY'S TOY BOY.
" YESTERDAY.
ARE YOU SURE YOUR CONTAC GOT IT RIGHT? HE SAID THAT C.
P.
ALWAYS COMES IN SHORTLY BEFORE THEY CLOSE.
SO WHY DON' WE WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL HE ARRIVES? NO, NO, NO.
IT HAS TO LOOK LIKE A CASUAL ENCOUNTER.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK WE'RE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO LIE IN WAI FOR PEOPLE.
NO, IT HAS TO LOOK AS THOUGH WE'RE HERE DOING BANKING BUSINESS.
WE MEET ACCIDENTALLY, YOU INTRODUCE ME AND THEN I INVITE HIM TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
BUT WHA BANKING BUSINESS ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ON? WHEN I GET TO THE WINDOW I'M GOING TO BE ASKED WHAT I WANT.
CASH A CHECK, OR SOMETHING.
GOOD AFTERNOON, I-- I WON'T BE A MOMENT.
I-- I WON'T KEEP YOU A MOMENT.
UNEXPECTED OUTLAY.
£5? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I SHOULD HAVE CASHED A BIGGER CHECK, BUT I FELT SUCH A FOOL.
- ARE YOU SURE HE WASN'T IN THERE? - HE WASN'T IN THERE.
I MEAN, WHA DOES C.
P.
BENEDIC LOOK LIKE? I SEE HIM AS TALL AND TANNED AND DISTINGUISHED.
HE'S QUITE ORDINARY-LOOKING, REALLY.
ORDINARY? RICHARD, I WILL NO HAVE YOU DESCRIBE MY GUEST OF HONOR IN THAT MANNER.
WE CANNOT SEE THE OTHER ENTRANCE.
WE COULD MISS HIM.
- WE'LL HAVE TO GO BACK IN.
- AGAIN? RICHARD, I'VE TOLD EVERYONE C.
P.
BENEDICT IS COMING, AND C.
P.
BENEDIC IS COMING.
COME ALONG.
( groans ) - IS THAT HIM? - Richard: NO.
WHAT A PITY.
HE'D GO VERY NICELY WITH MY PLACE SETTINGS.
IT'S NOT HIM.
£6? IN ONES, PLEASE.
YOU WOULDN'T PREFER 60 SHINY NEW 10p? WHATEVER SUITS YOU.
ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T HIM? HE LOOKS VERY SUITABLE FOR MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
IT'S NOT HIM.
WELL, I WONDER IF I SHOULD INVITE HIM IN ANY CASE.
OH, NO, I THINK NOT.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN INTRODUCED.
HYACINTH! YOU SEE? IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT! I LIKED HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS QUITE CHARMING.
I'M NOT SURE IT WAS CHARM SO MUCH AS SHOCK.
OFF YOU GO THEN, DEAR.
MORE PLANTS.
MOREPLANTS? I WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME.
THE WHOLE POIN ABOUT MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS BARBECUE IS TO MAKE THE INDOORS LOOK LIKE OUTDOORS.
WELL, WE WON' BE SHORT OF CHANGE FOR A WHILE, ANYWAY.
ELIZABETH, IT'S HYACINTH, DEAR.
( laughing ) YOU GUESSED! NOW LOOK, I WAN TO INVITE YOU AND EMMET TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
THIS EVENING, YES.
OH, YOU MUST COME, DEAR.
C.
P.
BENEDICT WILL BE HERE.
THEC.
P BENEDICT.
YES, THE GARDEN CENTER KING.
OH, YOU KNOW, THE TELEVISION CELEBRITY.
SEE YOU AT 7:00 THEN, DEAR.
GOODBYE.
WHAT THE HELL IS AN OUTDOORS-INDOORS BARBECUE? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IT SEEMS THA WE ARE GOING TO ONE.
- DIDN'T YOU TELL HER I'VE GOT ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT? - WHAT ENGAGEMENT? I-- I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
APPARENTLY, C.
P.
BENEDICT IS GOING TO BE THERE.
WHO? BENEDICT.
THE GARDEN CENTER KING.
OH, HOW JOLLY.
WE'LL BE SPELLBOUND LISTENING TO HIS WEED KILLER RECIPES ALL EVENING.
I WOULDN'T MIND SOME ADVICE ABOUT MY RUBBER PLANT.
WELL, IF THAT'S GOING TO BE THE HIGH SPO OF THE EVENING, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A DRINK OR TWO.
YOU USUALLY DO ON HYACINTH'S OCCASIONS.
AND SOMETIMES, EVEN BEFORE WE GET THERE.
TAKE RICHARD AND EMMET A DRINK.
I MUST BE READY WHEN C.
P.
ARRIVES.
WHAT WILL THEY BE DRINKING? WELL, I KNOW WHA EMMET WILL HAVE-- ANYTHING.
( doorbell rings ) OOH! HOW DO I LOOK? I MUST REMAIN CALM.
I MUST NOT APPEAR UNCALM.
HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP, DEAR? PROBABLY NOT A LOT, I SUSPECT.
- I HAVEN'T SLEPT A WINK.
- I HEARD YOU SNORING.
I'VE HAD A NIGH OF MENTAL ANGUISH.
DIDN'T SOUND LIKE MENTALLY ANGUISHED SNORING.
YOU KNOW ME, RICHARD.
I HAVEN' A SNOBBISH BONE IN MY BODY.
BUT I DO FIND I IRRITATING THAT THOSE BARKER-FINCHES AT NUMBER 23 TO THEIR BARBECUE.
THE DOUGLAS WHAT? CHATER! THEY HAD HIM AT THEIR BARBECUE.
WHAT DID HE TASTE LIKE? NOW DON' BE SILLY, DEAR.
THEY HAD HIM AT THEIR BARBECUE, AND OF COURSE, SHE CAN'T STOP TELLING EVERYBODY.
I CANNOT ABIDE PEOPLE WHO RUN AROUND MAKING A MEAL OUT OF THEIR LITTLE SOCIAL TRIUMPHS.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT, ONSLOW? ANSWER ME.
I'M SORRY, DAISE, I CAN'T TALK OWING TO THE FAC THAT SOME FOOL KEEPS PRODDING ME.
I'MPRODDING YOU.
I WANT TO KNOW, WHY HAVE YOU STARTED STAYING OUT SO LATE? LOOK AT ME, ONSLOW.
STRAIGH IN THE EYES.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? I WAS HERE-- IN BED.
NOT WHEN I WEN TO SLEEP, YOU WEREN'T.
OH, NICE.
YOU WERE SO WORRIED, YOU WENT TO SLEEP.
IT WAS EXHAUSTION CAUSED BY ANXIETY-- MENTAL EXHAUSTION.
I WAS GOING MAD WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE.
HOW'S YOUR FATHER THIS MORNING? - DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! - ( Onslow yells ) ( muttering ) IDEAS ABOVE THEIR STATION.
SONYA BARKER-FINCH.
HER CONVERSATION COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN STIMULATING.
MUST HAVE ENDED UP WITH A BARBECUED BRAIN.
THEDOUGLAS CHATER? GOOD HEAVENS, RICHARD! THEDOUGLAS CHATER? ALL MORNING, FROM YOU.
HE ONLY HAPPENS TO BE "CHATER'S BUILDING SUPPLIES.
" OH, HE SELLS CEMENT.
ONE OF OUR LEADING BUILDERS' MERCHANTS.
WHAT'S THIS IN MY DISH? HMM? THAT'S AN EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"THEDOUGLAS CHATER.
" IF EVER I SAW ONE.
NOW-- RICHARD, STOP PLAYING WITH IT, DEAR, AND EAT IT.
( huffs ) WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY USUAL CORN FLAKES? THIS IS NOT A CORN FLAKE ESTABLISHMENT.
HUMPH-- IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.
PERHAPS, IN THE DAYS BEFORE THIS EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL WAS MADE AVAILABLE.
NOW IT'S VERY NUTRITIOUS AND HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
- BY WHOM? - THE DUTCH ROYAL FAMILY.
( laughing ) THE DUTCH ROYAL FAMILY? THERE'S A CRES ON THE PACKET.
OH, HYACINTH! I WISH YOU'D STOP BUYING THINGS BECAUSE THERE'S A CREST ON THE PACK-- SO IN FUTURE, WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHA YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAS DON'T SAY CORN FLAKES.
TELL THEM, QUITE TRUTHFULLY, THAT YOU EA AN EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL.
"WITH A CRES ON THE PACKET.
" I WAS WITH A COUPLE OF THE LADS.
- TILL WHAT TIME? - I DON'T KNOW, WE GOT TALKING.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU GET WITH THE LADS.
WITH THE LADS.
YOU BECOME A MENACE TO THE FEMALE SEX.
DAISY, THAT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.
I ADMIT I USED TO BE A BIT OF A MENACE WITH THE FEMALE SEX, I WAS DYNAMITE.
WAS AN OWNER'S MANUAL.
BUT I'M RETIRED THESE DAYS.
I WISH I COULD BE SURE.
YOU'RE SO ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN.
I'M WORK-SHY, BONE IDLE, AND OUT OF CONDITION.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ATTRACTIVE TO WOMEN? I MARRIED YOU, DIDN'T I? WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
YOU WERE STILL BONE IDLE, WORK-SHY AND OUT OF CONDITION.
OH, YEAH.
BUT I WAS BETTER DRESSED.
ELIZABETH? IT'S NOT THAT I'M THE SLIGHTEST BI INTERESTED, OF COURSE, BUT, DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE GE TO THAT BARBECUE? - BARBECUE? - MMM.
DO YOU KNOW IT'S THE STRANGEST THING, I NEVER SPILL ANYTHING AT A BARBECUE.
- REALLY? - WHICH BARBECUE? THOSE BARKER-FINCHES AT NUMBER 23.
NO, NO, NO, I DIDN'T GO.
CLEARLY, THE BEST PEOPLE WEREN'T INVITED.
THEDOUGLAS CHATER.
( drawer slams ) I'M SURPRISED HE WASN'T FAR TOO BUSY SUPPLYING MATERIALS TO BUILD EXECUTIVE HOMES.
ANYWAY, I THINK BARBECUES ARE RATHER PASSEÃ THESE DAYS.
- OH-HH! OH, HYACINTH, I'M SO SORRY! - HAVE YOU RUINED YOUR DRESS? - NO, NO, NO.
OH, I SEE, JUST MY TABLE.
- I'VE GOT TO ANSWER THE PHONE.
"BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU, DAISY.
HOW ARE YOU, DEAR? IT'S MY SISTER DAISY.
SHE'S NOT THE ONE WITH THE SWIMMING POOL OR THE MERCEDES.
AND THERE'S CERTAINLY NO ROOM FOR A PONY.
YOU'RE NOT RINGING ME TO BREAK BAD NEWS ABOUT DADDY? I'D DIE IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO THAT NOBLE OLD MAN.
MMM.
HE'S FINE? ARE YOU SURE? YOU'RE NOT SHIELDING ME? WELL, MAKE SURE, WILL YOU? YOU KNOW HOW I WORRY.
I'D HAVE HIM HERE IF HE DIDN' MAKE THOSE FUNNY NOISES.
NOW? AND GIVE HIM MY LOVE.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT TABLE, ELIZABETH.
I'M SURE IT'S NO BEYOND THE BOUNDS OF WESTERN TECHNOLOGY TO RESURFACE IT.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY A LITTLE YOGA, ELIZABETH? CALM YOUR NERVES.
EVERYWHERE ELSE, HYACINTH, MY NERVES ARE FINE.
IT'S JUST IN THIS HOUSE I GO TO PIECES.
DADDY DOES YOGA, AND LOOK HOW FI HE IS FOR HIS AGE.
PRONOUNCED "TOO HOT TO HANDLE" BY THE OVER-60s.
I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, ELIZABETH.
OH! OH-HH! TROUBLE, LIZ? OH, RICHARD, I'M SO SORRY.
FOR SOME REASON I GO TO PIECES IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU TOO? IS THAT YOU, RICHARD? HOW QUICK YOU'VE BEEN, DEAR.
CLEARLY FEELING THE BENEFITS OF SHARING A BREAKFAST HABI WITH THE DUTCH ROYAL FAMILY.
TELL ELIZABETH HOW MUCH YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR EXCLUSIVE EUROPEAN HIGH-FIBER BREAKFAST CEREAL.
YES, DAISY, I'M HERE.
DADDY IS WHERE? ON THE ROOF? WELL GET HIM DOWN, DEAR.
YES, I KN-- IT'S ABSOLUTELY SPLENDID OF HIM TO BE SO AGILE AS TO GET ON THE ROOF.
BUT WHY IS HE ON THE ROOF? FIRE WATCHING? HE THINKS THERE'S A RAID ON? WHAT A WONDERFUL SENSE OF DUTY DADDY HAS.
IT'S THAT SPIRIT THAT MADE THIS ISLAND GREAT.
MMM-HMM.
BUT GET HIM DOWN, DAISY.
YES.
SOUND THE "ALL-CLEAR" OR SOMETHING, WILL YOU? YOU WANT MY ADVICE ABOUT WHAT? ONSLOW? ( laughing ) WELL, YOU'VE NEVER TAKEN IT BEFORE.
WOULD I BE SURPRISED IF ONSLOW HAD ANOTHER WOMAN? MY DEAR GIRL, I WAS SURPRISED HE GOT ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
( sports announcer speaks on TV ) HE'S ALWAYS HAD THIS MASSIVE APPEAL FOR WOMEN.
HE EXUDES A RAW, SENSUAL MAGNETISM.
WHERE'S MY BOTTLE OPENER? THAT COULD HAVE BEEN HIM WITH VIVIAN LEIGH IN "STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.
" AND NOW HE'S STARTED STOPPING OUT LATE AT NIGHTS.
AND LOOKING AT HIM FROM HERE, HE LOOKS TO ME LIKE SOMEBODY WHO'S UP TO HIS DESIGNER STUBBLE IN STOLEN MOMENTS OF ILLICIT LOVE.
( yells ) I SAID, HAVE YOU SEEN MY BOTTLE OPENER? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT, OUR HYACINTH.
MAYBE IF YOU SPOKE TO HIM? HE'D LISTEN TO YOU.
WELL, MAYBE HE WOULDN' LISTEN TO YOU, BUT IF YOU BACKED HIM INTO A CORNER, I'M SURE HE WOULD.
I COULD BRING HIM OVER.
DON'T SHOUT, HYACINTH! ALL RIGHT, I WON'T BRING HIM OVER! WE'LL ARRANGE SOMETHING ELSE.
YOU'LL RING ME? PROMISE? FATHER'S STILL ON THE ROOF.
DON'T TELL ME, I'VE GOT MY OWN TROUBLES.
ONSLOW, FATHER'S ON THE ROOF AGAIN.
ASK HIM IF HE'S GO MY BOTTLE OPENER.
WHY DON'T YOU WEAR IT 'ROUND YOUR NECK? AND LOOK LIKE SOME BIG "SILLY DORIS" WITH A DANGLER? I THINK HE'S GO ANOTHER WOMAN.
HIS BOTTLE OPENER.
DON'T WORRY, LIZ, IT LOOKS FINE.
I THINK IT LOOKS ALL RIGHT, BUT YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I GET SO NERVOUS IN HERE.
IT HAPPENS TO LOTS OF PEOPLE, BELIEVE ME.
WELL, LOOK, I REALLY OUGHT TO BE GOING BACK HOME.
DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE PERMISSIBLE FOR ME TO SNEAK AWAY? WHY NOT? I OFTEN DO.
I'LL JUST GO OU THE BACK WAY.
WILL YOU MAKE MY EXCUSES TO HYACINTH? OH, EASILY.
SHE NEVER LISTENS ANYWAY.
- ELIZABETH GONE? - YES.
I HOPE SHE WASN' WORRIED ABOUT MY TABLE.
SHE KNOWS I NEVER MAKE A FUSS ABOUT MY THINGS.
THAT WAS DAISY ON THE PHONE, DEAR.
SHE THINKS THAT ONSLOW'S GOT ANOTHER WOMAN.
ONSLOW? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
HE COULDN' AFFORD ONE.
- NOW IF IT WAS OLD C.
P.
-- - HMM? C.
P.
BENEDICT.
I MET HIM PASSING THE LIBRARY.
THEC.
P.
BENEDICT? HE'S JUS C.
P.
BENEDICT.
THE GARDEN CENTER KING? HE RUNS A GARDEN CENTER, YES.
BUT HASN'T HE BEEN ON TELEVISION, DEAR, IN THAT GARDENING PROGRAM? I THINK HE HAS BEEN.
( giddy laugh ) RICHARD! FANCY YOU KNOWING C.
P.
BENEDICT.
MIND THE EGGS! OTHERWOMAN.
SHORT-SIGHTED.
I BET SHE'S CHEAP AND COMMON.
HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW THEY ALL GO FOR CHEAP AND COMMON? DON'T KNOCK IT.
I'VE HAD SOME OF MY BEST MOMENTS BEING CHEAP AND COMMON.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LOOK GUILTY, ONSLOW.
I KEEP TELLING YOU THERE IS NO OTHER WOMAN.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN FAITHFUL TO YOU AND ABOUT THREE LEADING JOCKEYS.
FAITHFUL? MEN CAN' BE FAITHFUL.
THEY HAVEN'T GO THE NECESSARY GENES.
CAN YOU SEE ME GETTING DRESSED UP FOR OTHER WOMEN? I'D HAVE TO SHAVE, FOR A START.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, DAISE.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS SHAVE FOR OTHER WOMEN.
I'VE HAD "BARBER'S RASH" MORE THAN ONCE, I CAN TELL YOU.
WELL THAT'S IT, THEN.
IF HE'S GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN, I'M GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER MAN.
CAN YOU GET SOMEBODY THAT CAN DO A FEW JOBS ROUND HERE? I'M SICK OF LIVING IN SQUALOR.
I HATE HIM.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU KNEW THEC.
P.
BENEDICT? HE'S JUST A MAN WITH A GARDEN CENTER WHO'S BEEN ON TELEVISION.
- HE'S NOT THE AGA KHAN.
- HE'S A CELEBRITY, DEAR.
AND I'M SURE HE'S A MUCH BETTER SOCIAL CATCH THAN BORING OLD DOUGLAS CHATER, WHO'S MERELY IN BUILDING SUPPLIES.
WATCH OUT FOR THE LORRY, DEAR.
IT'S STATIONARY, IT'S NOT MOVING.
I ALWAYS THINK THEY'RE MORE WORRYING WHEN THEY'RE NOT MOVING.
HE'S ONLY A CASUAL ACQUAINTANCE, REALLY.
BUT THAT'S QUITE SUFFICIEN TO ISSUE THE MAN A FRIENDLY INVITATION.
HE'S JUST SOMEBODY I SOMETIMES MEE WALKING HIS DOG.
OH, YOU'VE ME THE DOG AS WELL! OH, RICHARD! HYACINTH-- I DON'T SEE HOW WE CAN JUS WALTZ UP TO THE MAN AND INVITE HIM TO A BARBECUE.
NO, DEAR, YOU MAY REST ASSURED THA YOUR FRIEND-- HE'S NOT MY FRIEND! WILL BE INVITED TO SOMETHING FAR MORE ELEGAN THAN A COMMON OLD GARDEN BARBECUE.
FOR MY SUMMER ENTERTAINING, I INTEND TO BRING THE OUTDOORS INDOORS.
WHAT A PITY HE WASN'T IN.
YOU MUS FIND HIM, DEAR.
I DARE SAY YOU'LL CATCH HIM AT ONE OF HIS REGULAR HAUNTS.
SUCH ASWHERE? HE'S YOUR FRIEND, RICHARD, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHERE HE GOES.
I TOLD YOU, HE'S JUST AN ACQUAINTANCE.
MIND THE TREE, DEAR.
INSIDE? RICHARD, DO STOP SOUNDING PETULANT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SOUNDING SO PETULANT, THIS IS A GREA DAY FOR ME.
I HAVE INVENTED THE OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE.
I JUST WISH THA THERE WASN'T SO MUCH HERE.
LOOK, DEAR, WHEN I INVITE THE GARDEN CENTER KING TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE, I WANT HIM TO FEEL AT HOME.
HE IS A PLANT LOVER.
MIND THE HOLE IN THE ROAD, DEAR.
WHAT ROAD? WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I CAN SEE THE ROAD? LIZ, A MOBILE GARDEN HAS JUST PARKED IN HYACINTH'S DRIVE.
- A MOBILE GARDEN? - A GOOD IMITATION, ANYWAY.
GOOD HEAVENS! YOU HEAR ABOU "THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT," NEXT THING YOU KNOW, IT'S PARKED OUTSIDE.
I THINK RICHARD'S UNDER THAT LOT SOMEWHERE.
WITH HYACINTH? NO, NO, SHE ESCAPED, SHE WENT INDOORS.
( both laughing ) INSTEAD OF GIGGLING YOU MIGHT GO AND GIVE RICHARD A HAND.
I WOULDN'T WALK INTO A JUNGLE LIKE THAT WITHOUT A MAP AND A COMPASS.
( laughing ) WE PLOUGH THE FIELDS AND DO MIND MY WALLPAPER, RICHARD.
( Richard grunts ) HELLO, IS THA THE VICAR? HOW ARE YOU, VICAR? THIS IS HYACINTH "BOUQUET.
" ARE YOU THERE? WELL, I THOUGHT I HEARD A LITTLE CRY OF PAIN.
I DO BELIEVE THE VICAR'S IN PAIN, DEAR.
AT LEAST HE'S NO COVERED IN GREENFLY.
NOW IF YOU'RE IN DISTRESS, I'LL COME 'ROUND IMMEDIATELY.
HELLO? HELLO? ARE YOU TH-- ( raps ) LOOK, I WAS SPEAKING TO THE VICAR.
WHO IS THIS? OH, THE VICAR'S WIFE.
( laughing ) HOW ARE YOU DEAR? IT'S HYACINTH "BOUQUET," YES.
I WAS SPEAKING WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
I SEE, HE HAD TO LEAVE IN RATHER A HURRY.
OH, RICHARD! WELL, YES, OF COURSE, I'M SURE YOU DO, DEAR.
IT'S NOT THEOLOGICAL.
WELL, I'M JUST CALLING TO INVITE YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND THE VICAR TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
OH, YES, YOU MUST COME, DEAR.
WE'RE HAVING C.
P.
BENEDICT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HOT OR COLD?" THEC.
P.
BENEDICT-- THE GARDEN CENTER KING WHO'S BEEN ON TELEVISION.
WE'VE NOT EVEN ASKED HIM YET.
I WILL, AS SOON AS YOU FIND OU WHERE HE MIGHT BE.
YOU'VE GO TO MAKE HIM REALIZE THAT YOU'RE STILL ATTRACTIVE TO MEN.
IF I GET DONE UP, DO YOU THINK I WILL STILL BE ATTRACTIVE TO MEN? OH, YOU CAN' GO WRONG.
IT'S BEEN MY EXPERIENCE THEY'LL GO FOR ANYTHING.
THANKS.
JUST PUT YOURSELF IN MY HANDS, OUR DAISE, AND I'LL TRANSFORM YOU.
WHAT YOU NEED IS A LITTLE BIT OF INNER CONFIDENCE AND A LOT OF FLASH GEAR.
AND THEN WHAT? I DON'T THINK I KNOW ANY MEN.
WHAT ABOU MR.
PATTERSON? HE WAS DEAD KEEN ON YOU.
HE WAS A DIRTY OLD MAN.
JUST THINK OF HIM AS "YESTERDAY'S TOY BOY.
" YESTERDAY.
ARE YOU SURE YOUR CONTAC GOT IT RIGHT? HE SAID THAT C.
P.
ALWAYS COMES IN SHORTLY BEFORE THEY CLOSE.
SO WHY DON' WE WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL HE ARRIVES? NO, NO, NO.
IT HAS TO LOOK LIKE A CASUAL ENCOUNTER.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK WE'RE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO LIE IN WAI FOR PEOPLE.
NO, IT HAS TO LOOK AS THOUGH WE'RE HERE DOING BANKING BUSINESS.
WE MEET ACCIDENTALLY, YOU INTRODUCE ME AND THEN I INVITE HIM TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
BUT WHA BANKING BUSINESS ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE ON? WHEN I GET TO THE WINDOW I'M GOING TO BE ASKED WHAT I WANT.
CASH A CHECK, OR SOMETHING.
GOOD AFTERNOON, I-- I WON'T BE A MOMENT.
I-- I WON'T KEEP YOU A MOMENT.
UNEXPECTED OUTLAY.
£5? HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT? I SHOULD HAVE CASHED A BIGGER CHECK, BUT I FELT SUCH A FOOL.
- ARE YOU SURE HE WASN'T IN THERE? - HE WASN'T IN THERE.
I MEAN, WHA DOES C.
P.
BENEDIC LOOK LIKE? I SEE HIM AS TALL AND TANNED AND DISTINGUISHED.
HE'S QUITE ORDINARY-LOOKING, REALLY.
ORDINARY? RICHARD, I WILL NO HAVE YOU DESCRIBE MY GUEST OF HONOR IN THAT MANNER.
WE CANNOT SEE THE OTHER ENTRANCE.
WE COULD MISS HIM.
- WE'LL HAVE TO GO BACK IN.
- AGAIN? RICHARD, I'VE TOLD EVERYONE C.
P.
BENEDICT IS COMING, AND C.
P.
BENEDIC IS COMING.
COME ALONG.
( groans ) - IS THAT HIM? - Richard: NO.
WHAT A PITY.
HE'D GO VERY NICELY WITH MY PLACE SETTINGS.
IT'S NOT HIM.
£6? IN ONES, PLEASE.
YOU WOULDN'T PREFER 60 SHINY NEW 10p? WHATEVER SUITS YOU.
ARE YOU SURE THIS ISN'T HIM? HE LOOKS VERY SUITABLE FOR MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
IT'S NOT HIM.
WELL, I WONDER IF I SHOULD INVITE HIM IN ANY CASE.
OH, NO, I THINK NOT.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN INTRODUCED.
HYACINTH! YOU SEE? IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT! I LIKED HIM.
I THOUGHT HE WAS QUITE CHARMING.
I'M NOT SURE IT WAS CHARM SO MUCH AS SHOCK.
OFF YOU GO THEN, DEAR.
MORE PLANTS.
MOREPLANTS? I WANT TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME.
THE WHOLE POIN ABOUT MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS BARBECUE IS TO MAKE THE INDOORS LOOK LIKE OUTDOORS.
WELL, WE WON' BE SHORT OF CHANGE FOR A WHILE, ANYWAY.
ELIZABETH, IT'S HYACINTH, DEAR.
( laughing ) YOU GUESSED! NOW LOOK, I WAN TO INVITE YOU AND EMMET TO MY OUTDOORS-INDOORS LUXURY BARBECUE WITH FINGER BUFFET.
THIS EVENING, YES.
OH, YOU MUST COME, DEAR.
C.
P.
BENEDICT WILL BE HERE.
THEC.
P BENEDICT.
YES, THE GARDEN CENTER KING.
OH, YOU KNOW, THE TELEVISION CELEBRITY.
SEE YOU AT 7:00 THEN, DEAR.
GOODBYE.
WHAT THE HELL IS AN OUTDOORS-INDOORS BARBECUE? I DON'T KNOW.
BUT IT SEEMS THA WE ARE GOING TO ONE.
- DIDN'T YOU TELL HER I'VE GOT ANOTHER ENGAGEMENT? - WHAT ENGAGEMENT? I-- I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
APPARENTLY, C.
P.
BENEDICT IS GOING TO BE THERE.
WHO? BENEDICT.
THE GARDEN CENTER KING.
OH, HOW JOLLY.
WE'LL BE SPELLBOUND LISTENING TO HIS WEED KILLER RECIPES ALL EVENING.
I WOULDN'T MIND SOME ADVICE ABOUT MY RUBBER PLANT.
WELL, IF THAT'S GOING TO BE THE HIGH SPO OF THE EVENING, I THINK I MIGHT HAVE A DRINK OR TWO.
YOU USUALLY DO ON HYACINTH'S OCCASIONS.
AND SOMETIMES, EVEN BEFORE WE GET THERE.
TAKE RICHARD AND EMMET A DRINK.
I MUST BE READY WHEN C.
P.
ARRIVES.
WHAT WILL THEY BE DRINKING? WELL, I KNOW WHA EMMET WILL HAVE-- ANYTHING.
( doorbell rings ) OOH! HOW DO I LOOK? I MUST REMAIN CALM.
I MUST NOT APPEAR UNCALM.