Lewis (2007) s04e03 Episode Script

Have a lovely weekend, darling.
This isn't about a lovely weekend.
It's about winning the money.
See you later.
Hello.
Are you looking for Chaucer College? I do hope so.
Yes.
Excellent.
That's the best news I've heard all year.
Well, this way.
Ethan.
Yes.
Don't you remember me? Alas and alack, the world is full of people I don't remember.
Generally a very good thing.
Shall we? Have a good weekend.
Everything all right for tomorrow? Nervous? Why should I be nervous? I'll call you back.
What have you got there? She's my Gibson L-5.
We're off to a festival of world music.
World music? All of it? You'll need a big room.
It's in the open air.
Are you doing nice things? If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
Room OK? It's a room.
Do you really need that? Better than a teddy bear, trust me.
Ethan, how are you doing? Room OK? No complaints? No, none whatsoever.
Actually, this is my old college.
So it's just like old times.
The women are a little bit older, but there'sno substitute for experience.
Oh, well, you're all here to have a good time.
It's a bank holiday weekend.
It isn't about avarice and greed.
Enjoy.
I assume we get a choice of all seven of the deadly sins.
Up to you, Ethan.
Mr Richards.
Donald.
What can I do for you? The old folk would like some reassurance that you won't be asking us endless questions about pop music.
We are very good on Aristotle, but reciting the hit songs of Elvis Presley in reverse order is frankly beyond our compass.
In the Quizaholics world there are many mansions.
I feared there might be.
Dinner is served! So, if you'll pardon the expression, walk this way.
Suitcase! Cousin's wedding in Norfolk.
Is that good? Ask me Monday.
(CHATTER) First off I'm sorry, but why 'off'? Why not simply 'first'? Forgive me.
I'm not used to running quiz weekends in Oxford.
I'll try to be more careful.
Don't worry on our account, Marcus.
First welcome to the Quizaholics Weekend.
By Sunday evening, one of the six teams sitting round this table will be £5,000 richer.
But we're not here for the money.
We're here to have fun.
OK? OK.
So, let's start by having the teams tell us who they are? I'm Eve Rigby.
And I'm Robyn Strong.
And our team is called the Red Hot Mamas.
As in Sophie Tucker? The original Red Hot Mama? According to my grandma, yes.
We met at an antenatal class and started the quiz team to stop our brains turning to porridge.
Also to prove you don't have to be a bloke to be a boring old anorak.
Well, we know who you are.
You're Ethan Croft.
Once upon a time, you and I were at school together.
So you tell me.
All I can say is that it was a very big school So you tell me.
All I can say is that it was a very big school with many beautiful people.
Meanwhile, back at the agenda.
Sorry.
Like the lady says, I'm Ethan Croft.
I'm a former student of this college and now a primary school teacher.
So, clearly sent on this earth to educate the young.
Educate the young? Fascinating concept.
It'll never catch on.
Our team is called Nuts.
And are you? We're both active members of the National Union of Teachers.
Hence Nuts.
I'm Ava Taylor, branch secretary.
Ethan's our officially designated trouble-maker.
We plan the revolution on the first Friday of every month, but nobody ever shows up.
(FORCED LAUGH) That's Excellent.
Well, we encourage troublemakers.
Alfie, tell us about yourselves.
I'm Alfie Wilkinson and this is Sophie Barton.
Hi.
We're students.
We're broke.
We're called Toxic Debt and you may be here to have fun, but we need to win the money.
We're two little lambs who need some quantitative easing.
Well, we wish you luck.
Yeah, but not too much.
Next? My name is Professor Donald Terry.
And my colleague is Professor Milner.
Good evening.
And our team is called the Grey Guardians, seeking to uphold the principles of truth, beauty and wisdom in an age that has placed its faith, mistakenly, in mere information.
Well, we'll go easy on Elvis Presley, heavy metal and rap.
Well, we'll go easy on Elvis Presley, heavy metal and rap.
Diane, we've lost you Diane Baxter.
Lieutenant.
Brian Kaye.
Colour sergeant.
He was my instructor at Sandhurst.
We're called the Old Contemptibles, and we're here to prove that soldiers aren't thick.
Well, I think we can take your word for that.
Good idea.
Which only leaves Sebastian Anderson.
And this is my colleague Jessica Neill.
Hello.
And our team is called the Class Of '89.
As in Oxford? Yes, indeed.
But now living and working in the real world.
Lawyers, for our sins.
Well, other people's sins.
But seeking redemption.
Don't waste your time.
It's overrated.
We are the rump and I use the word advisedly, of a college team trounced on network television by some hairy louts from Keele.
Redemption would seem highly necessary.
What happened to the other two members of your University Challenge team? One of them's a Euro MP and the other one's in prison.
Purely the luck of the draw.
It could have gone either way.
But we're both very nice people.
Irresistibly so.
Well, now that we've all got to know each other, I thought we'd start as we mean to go on with a quiz.
Goody goody.
Now, this is just for our amusement.
The real work starts tomorrow.
Fingers on buzzers, as it were.
First one to get three right will be declared the winner.
It's all in fun and the referee's decision is final.
I call this section 'Only Connect'.
So, question number one.
What connects the years 1939 and 2008? Easy-peasy.
Portsmouth won the FA Cup.
Correct.
God, I might have guessed there'd be football.
There always is football.
Next.
What connects Al Jolson with an operatic aria by Puccini? (SPOON CLINKS ON GLASS) Avalon.
Well, can you tell us more? Yes.
Jolson stole the tune and Puccini successfully sued him for plagiarism.
That's correct.
No marks, but anyone know the aria? E lucevan le stelle From Tosca.
There was a chap called Rose.
He changed it from a minor key to a major key and added a few notes.
But it still cost them $25,000.
The sort of thing I would have thought lawyers would have known.
That was brilliant.
You should see me when I really try.
That man will have to go.
E LUCEVAN LE STELLE (VOLUME DOWN) Hi, it's me again.
No, nothing's happened.
Just, you know, double-checking.
(DRUMMING AND PIPING) Sorry.
We are down to our final two contestants.
Donald and Ethan.
So this is your sudden death question.
What connects waste products with The Wasteland? Ethan? T S Eliot.
Can you be more specific? Yes.
TS Eliot wrote The Wasteland and his name, as any crossword buff will tell you, is an anagram of 'toilets', where, in an ideal society, all waste products go.
(LAUGHS) That's correct! I hereby declare Ethan is the winer! Infantile chairman.
Well, for now, the bar will remain open.
We will reconvene here at ten o'clock in the morning, In the meantime, the night is still very young and the rest of it is yours to do with as you think fit and according to your predilections.
Is it all right if we go to the pub? Do as you like.
It's a fun weekend.
But remember the gates will be locked at nine o'clock outside of term time.
To stop tourists stealing the heritage.
So when you come back, you will have to ring the bell.
The bell has the word 'press' written on it.
A very grumpy man called Lester will eventually let you in.
That sounds like the voice of experience.
I know all the exits and entrances.
All the ghosts lurking in the shadows.
We're students here.
We know all that stuff.
Ring the bell and ask for Lester.
Listen, can I buy you both a drink? I've never bought a drink for a Red Hot Mama before.
And I have plenty of secrets to share.
After those questions I'm a bit lukewarm, but you never know your luck.
You don't even remember your own secrets, Ethan.
Perhaps I just need a little more persuading.
Did you say something? Well, the words 'smooth' and 'operator' come to mind.
E LUCEVAN LE STELLE Are we allowing names of obscure and generally discredited political philosophers? You want to put 'Gramsci', put 'Gramsci'.
The army has a question for you, Mr Richards.
The name's Marcus.
All rightMarcus.
But it's still the same question.
Where does the money come from? Sorry.
Which money? The £5,000 that one of these teams are gonna win? Oh.
From a sponsorwithin the industry.
You have to understand quizzes are the new rock'n'roll.
People can become millionaires just from answering silly questions.
Ask a silly question.
Exactly.
It's the world we live in.
I'm telling you.
I know all the secrets of this place.
There are people here who should be in prison.
In Oxford? In this very building.
Golly gosh.
But that's probably true of anywhere.
Yes.
But in Oxford, multiply that by a factor of ten.
Believe me.
I know.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) Good news, it still fits.
Bad news, you look like a bloody wine waiter.
But here's the big question The sudden death question? Who wants to come with me on the conducted tour? Chaucer College by night.
The secret places.
The ghosts.
The buried bodies.
Excellent.
Eve? Oh, come on, you are breaking my heart.
I think you're the sort of man my mother warned me about.
And you ignored her.
(WHISPERS) Don't worry.
I am the gentlest man on the planet.
(LAUGHTER) That's quite enough intellectual ferment for one night.
Rather more than I'm used to, as a matter of fact.
What do we think of our fellow travellers? I suppose they're a cross-section.
Of what? God knows.
Well, come on, then.
Thank you.
(LAUGHTER) Come on! Come on! We didn't wake you, did we? Not entirely, no.
It's very nice of you and you're not at all grumpy.
Who says I'd be grumpy? Bloke called Croft.
Ethan Croft.
Yeah.
Ethan Croft.
Used to be a student here.
Oh, yes, I remember him.
A lot of people remember him.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with '2PU.
' Two pissed undergraduates.
Correct.
Your turn.
Oh, look.
All the lights are out.
All the old folk have gone to bed.
We're playing a game, remember? Sorry.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with '.
.
UST'.
Too easy.
Unresolved Sexual Tension.
Brilliant.
Your turn.
I spy with my little eye something beginning with '.
.
BFIW'.
BFIW? Yes.
Could you spell that for me, please? Body floating in water.
(PHONE RINGS) Yeah.
Where? (MUSICAL PERFORMANCE ENDS) MUSICIAN: Thank you! Thank you! (MOUTHS) No, no, please! Thank you! Thank you very much! (CAR ALARM) Do we know who he is? Ethan Croft.
A teacher apparently.
What was he doing here? Taking part in a quiz weekend.
I see.
So Mr Croft is our starter for ten.
Where's our favourite sergeant? On his way back from a world music festival in Somerset.
Swearing all the way, I should think.
I know the feeling.
Me, too.
I'm sorry about Our best laid plans? Right.
Better get to work.
Sergeant Hathaway.
Lester Garvey.
We're gonna need to lock everybody in.
Can you handle that? I've been doing it for years.
But never for grown-ups.
I'll enjoy that.
Sorry about your weekend.
Yeah, sorry about yours.
What's all this about? It's about a quiz weekend.
Six teams of two competing for a £5,000 cash prize.
Organised by a man called Marcus Richards.
These the teams? Yeah, we've got Oxford dons, City lawyers, primary school teachers, students, squaddies and young mums.
Deceased? Michael Ethan Croft.
A primary school teacher.
Found in the ornamental pool.
Body was discovered by the students coming back just after midnight.
Where are all these people now? Most of them sound asleep.
We can confront them over their hearty breakfast.
Or take Shakespeare's advice and start by killing the lawyers.
Listen, I know this has screwed up your weekend, but No, no, no.
This hasn't screwed up my weekend.
My guitar got nicked.
Where was it? The boot of the car.
I broke the golden rule.
Which is? Never let your instrument out of your sight.
I didn't know that.
What about piano players? For them, the instrument is usually provided.
Of course.
Sorry.
Is it valuable? Yeah, to me it is.
It fits the shape of my hand.
Right.
Names and addresses of all the teams.
We have until breakfast to see if we've got anything on record.
What do you think about quizzes? Terminally pointless.
Right up there with slugs and black pudding.
As you know, Ethan Croft was murdered last night.
And that being so, Sergeant Hathaway and I would like to speak to each of you individually over the course of the morning.
That is unless anyone wishes to confess.
Worth a try.
I should also make it clear that the college gates will be shut until further notice.
No-one leaves without our permission.
Forgive me if I sound like a lawyer, but can you do that? By the time our lawyers have discussed it with your lawyers the case would probably be closed anyway.
Don't worry, we can all huddle together for warmth.
Now, maybe we can start with Mr Croft's team partner, Mrs Taylor? Is that correct? That's me.
Ethan was a brilliant man, academically.
He was deeply committed politically.
And a charmer.
Though I have to say, it didn't work on me.
It sounds like you're working up to a 'but'.
He drank and he was a womaniser.
Is that why he was teaching in a primary school? That's a fair comment.
Somewhere a brilliant career had run onto the rocks.
But I never worked out why.
Last night after dinner everyone went to the bar, is that right? Apart from those students.
How was it? Quiet? Noisy? People talking to one another? Honest answer, it wasa little boring.
I don't know.
I thought that .
.
in a way, this weekend would be like revisiting the Oxford of my student days.
And it wasn't.
We grow older, Sergeant.
Ethan Croft was a student here.
Did you know him? Not that I'm aware of.
I mean, we might have been in the same room on occasion.
The Union or whatever pubs we used to go to back then.
But I don't remember him.
Mind you, the world is full of people I've never met.
I have enough trouble with the people I have met.
Still, this weekend is not entirely without interest, is it? A real-life country house murder.
Miss Scarlett with the lead piping.
High on our list of suspects.
We're regular army.
We don't meet many civilians and I only met them yesterday.
Did you notice anything about Croft? He was doing some serious chatting up of one of the women.
And, as my father used to say, he had drink taken.
Am I allowed to make an observation? All police work starts with observation.
Our cheerful host, Mr Richards He's a bitsmooth for my taste.
I'm not crazy about smooth myself.
And I have an observation of my own.
Yes? Did you bruise your hand? Yes.
Last week, on manoeuvres.
It was a brief encounter with the side of an armoured car.
He invited us to go on a conducted tour of the college and all its dark secrets.
And did you go? Yes, but .
.
not all the way, if you know what I mean.
Did you like him? He had a lot to say.
Mostly about himself.
That wasn't the question.
Charming, I suppose.
Very clever.
But still a man, whichever way you look at it.
I've never really been all that good with men.
I can only apologise on behalf of my gender.
I'll apologise to your friend if she can spare a minute.
Miss Strong.
Word, please.
I'm told you wanted a word.
Yeah.
We've been looking at your website.
Oh, yes.
It's good, isn't it? My son designed that.
It says here you're a former winner of two major television quiz programmes.
But it doesn't say which ones.
One was in Canada and the other was in South Africa.
Did you win a lot of money? Not enough to retire on.
That's why I'm running these quiz weekends.
It also refers to your background in broadcasting.
But again, it's a bit vague on the detail.
Are we still talking Canada and South Africa? Yes.
Everyone dresses up their CV a bit.
I'm sure it goes on in the police force.
We have the facilities to check and double check.
And we do.
I'm just an honest hustler trying to make a living in a tough world.
Where does the £5,000 come from? It's It's self-financing.
People pay £500 for the weekend.
If I rig the books properly, I come out slightly ahead.
£500? Yeah.
They get full board in an Oxford college for the weekend and the chance to make exciting new friends.
I'd hoped to attract a few more, but the bank holiday hasn't done us any favours.
Be lucky to break even.
Exciting new friends? Is that why it says 'singles welcome' on the website? Yes.
Are all of the people here single? I've no idea.
I suppose we mean 'single at heart'.
We're all consenting adults.
Were you aware of any of the consenting adults pairing off last night? I make it my policy to look the other way.
Though I have to say I think Ethan Croft was on the prowl in a big way.
Didn't do him much good.
We need to know more about people's movements last night.
So try very hard to remember.
Looking the other way isn't much help.
OK.
I'll try.
I need to ask you something, actually.
What? Would it be all right to carry on with the quiz weekend? If it's what the people want.
From my professional point of view, I just want people to stay within reach.
Thank you.
You're a gentleman.
He was my first boyfriend.
I was 14.
He was 16.
And then when I saw his name on the website for this weekend .
.
I thought maybe maybe it's never too late.
But I was wrong.
He just didn't remember me.
And then even if he did, he obviously preferred Eve.
This conducted tour of the college, how did it end? As you'd expect.
An invitation to his room for a nightcap.
And did you go? No.
Definitely not.
Eve might have done.
Why would she go and you not? The message was Well, the message that I got was that he was up for a threesome.
I don't play those kind of games.
Not even with .
.
with someone I once loved.
Thanks for talking to me.
What did you tell him? Enough, no more.
All of it true.
Mr Terry.
Professor Terry.
Forgive me.
Did you know Ethan Croft prior to this weekend? Absolutely not.
Our information is that he was a student here during the late '80s.
And briefly a junior lecturer.
This is Oxford.
I'm a research fellow specialising in modern history.
Students are not one of my primary concerns.
Is that the box office? I booked two tickets for tonight's performance, but work has cropped up.
I'm not gonna be able to make it.
Yeah, I know.
It's not about the money.
So, I dunno, give them away to the poor of the parish.
But use them, eh? The name is Lewis.
Tonight.
The Fairy Queen.
The Fairy Queen? It's an opera.
Was that your bank holiday weekend? It was.
Covent Garden? No, The Fairy Queen's on at Glyndebourne, isn't it? Two tickets? Yeah, I was going with a friend.
I do have friends.
Modern architecture.
What are they up to? Nothing.
They're students.
Who designed the Guggenheim Museum? Frank Lloyd Wright.
Come on.
Back to work.
Should we be doing this? Of course.
We can't win if we don't practise.
This used to be one of the finest college libraries in Oxford.
Because it had all your books? Why else? Purely as a matter of interest, have you read them all? All what? Your books? Oh, good God, no.
They're unreadable.
Which is, no doubt, the point.
Naturally.
How many have you written? My next book will be my first.
And finest, no doubt.
Lawyers are men of action.
Any joy? No.
Everybody's behaving true to form.
Nobody saw anything that matters a damn.
Our victim was a drinker, a womaniser and a show-off.
That Richards is a shifty sod and we're no further forward.
So I've been thinking about your guitar.
That's nice.
Thanks.
If I'd nicked something specialised like a guitar, I wouldn't be trying to flog it down the pub.
I'd put it on theNet.
Is that what I mean? I'm sure that's what you mean.
Come on.
Let's have a proper look at Croft's room.
(BAG UNZIPPED) Have you noticed his bedside reading? The Cherry Orchard.
Is it? In Russian.
These orchards all look alike in Russian.
He had a first in modern languages.
Yes.
So why was he teaching in a primary school? It's a big jump from an Oxford first to Plasticine with five-year-olds.
(KNOCKING) I was hoping to have a word.
Of course.
Charles Milner.
Professor of engineering.
Very good.
Let's have a word, then.
You're probably aware by now that Croft was a brilliant student.
And very briefly, a junior lecturer in modern languages.
Indeed.
Is that what you wanted to tell us? No.
Professor Terry and I were talking and wewe vaguely remember that Croft left Oxford under something of a cloud.
You vaguely remember? Common room gossip, no more.
He left under a cloud? Is there any possibility you could describe this cloud for us? It was a sexual harassment case involving a first-year student.
Which, presumably, is all on record? I doubt that any of it's on record.
Remember where we are.
Vague memories have very little value in police work.
Who would be likely to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? I believe there's a wife.
Wives are pretty good at that sort of thing, in my experience.
Thank you, Professor.
It might be only a vague memory, but, to me, he just stuck a knife right between Ethan Croft's ribs.
Why would he do that? Why indeed? The precise cause of death was drowning, but he was unconscious at the time.
There's bruising to the back of the neck.
Like a rabbit punch.
Caused by? Probably a fist.
Assuming somebody who knew what he was doing.
Or she, possibly.
There was also a cut and some bruising to the side of the face, as if he'd been in a fight.
But nothing on the hands, suggesting he didn't fight back.
The violence was one-sided.
A couple of our soldiers have somewhat enigmatic CVs.
There's a whiff of SAS.
Heaven preserve us from the Ministry of Defence.
And he'd also had sex earlier in the evening.
Well, now.
Eve Rigby said that she went on a guided tour of the college with him, but, and I quote, she 'didn't go all the way'.
Well, someone did.
Unless she's lying.
It ties in with the story about Croft being drummed out of Oxford for sexual harassment.
Any chance of finding out the truth? We're gonna talk to his wife.
You haven't done that yet? She's visiting her mother in Brighton.
She's on her way back now.
And we have a jealous ex-girlfriend.
Namely? Robyn Strong.
She seems to have planned the weekend as a grand reunion with her first love.
They never learn.
So are we talking about a crime of passion? Not my department, guv.
But it is relevant that he'd been drinking heavily.
Probably for some years and just about the second-to-last thing he did was have sex.
So where are they now, these Grey Guardians and Red Hot Mamas? They're having a quiz.
And who's Gibson? There's nobody on any of the teams called Gibson.
Unrelated inquiry.
How was your wedding? Um, oh A modern church service.
All a bit happy-clappy.
I still prefer the vicar to say, 'Let no man put asunder'.
I sat through the speeches and Uncle Vivian singing Bless This House and then had to leave before the meal.
My husband's not speaking to me, because he's stuck with all my mad relations.
It's been an all-round triumph.
Any luck with the tickets? I phoned the box office.
They might be able to get rid of them.
I hope so.
It's a lot of money.
You lose some, you lose some.
Still, we'll try again another time.
If you're happy about that? Yeah.
I'm happy about that.
Good.
Your date for the weekend, Doctor Hobson? We were going to Glyndebourne to see The Fairy Queen.
All right? Now you know all there is to know.
Were you overnighting? Mind your own business! It's only because I care.
These questions all relate to the nicknames of famous people.
So, on the buzzers.
Who was 'the Welsh wizard'? David Lloyd George.
You're far too young to know that.
He knew my father.
Next, another wizard.
Yes? No idea.
I'm just sick of not pressing the buzzer.
It is a quiz, after all.
Did you not read the small print? Are we likely to have an answer at any point? Just think of a wizard.
Any wizard will do.
Merlin? Sorry.
Not Merlin.
Handing it over to the other team.
Might that be Stanley Matthews, the footballer? Known as 'the wizard of the dribble'.
A brilliant piece of lateral thinking.
It's well played, Toxic Debt, bad luck, Class Of '89.
(SPORADIC APPLAUSE) That was brilliant.
I know.
Blame it on my youth.
We'll take a break, guys.
Back at four for a needle match between the Grey Guardians and the Red Hot Mamas.
You almost shouted at me.
Sorry.
I mistook you for my wife.
How can those children possibly know the answers to those questions? Yes.
That's Ethan.
Thank you.
Do you feelable to talk about your husband? This is supposed to help, isn't it? I'm sure everybody's told you that Ethan was a damn fool.
He wasa brilliant damn fool, but whichever way you look at it, he didn't deserve to be murdered.
We're told he left Oxford under a cloud after having an affair with one of his students.
Who told you that? One of the Oxford Mafia? It's confidential.
I'm sorry.
Well, it's trueabout the affair.
But if every academic who had an affair with a student left Oxford, they'd run out of teaching staff and be asking for volunteers at the Job Centre.
It was before I met him, anyway.
When did you meet him? Hall Rise Primary School staff room.
So you didn't know him during his Oxford days? No.
I'm strictly a redbrick girl.
I do know he was always very bitter about what happened.
I don't know the details.
Can you hazard a guess? He was brilliant at languages, as I'm sure you probably know.
Russian, Polish, even some of those funny little Baltic countries.
He did a lot of interpreting and translating work.
A couple of times he was an interpreter for some Russian footballers taking driving tests.
I'm not sure I can divine a motive for murder there.
There was a period in the early '90s when he was doing an awful lot of really high-profile work and then suddenly it was all justhack stuff.
Legal aid for some immigrant fruit picker in court on a driving charge.
But he never really spoke about his work, not in detail.
You know Ethan was all the things you already know about him.
He wasimmoral.
He was a drinker, self-centred.
But in professional matters, he was .
.
an honourable man.
He believed in things like public service.
That's why he worked for the union.
Hated all that stuff about the free market knows best.
Well, he was right all along about that, wasn't he? There's something else that you should know.
You might find it hard.
You think it's been easy so far? I realise that, but Sergeant .
.
I think it's fair to say that nothing can hurt me now.
So please say whatever it is.
According to the medical evidence, he had sex last night before he died.
I see.
I'm sorry.
You and me both.
But I still loved him.
And admired him.
He just had one big problem a constitutional inability to keep it in his trousers.
That's why there were times when When what? There were times when I would have happily killed the guy myself.
Her exact words, 'kill the guy'.
You think she put out a contract on him? All you need is a trained killer.
I'm told you'd like a word.
Thank you.
Come in.
Sit down, Lieutenant.
I answer to Diane.
Sorry.
Diane.
This is a really silly question.
That's what this weekend's about, isn't it? Silly questions.
We've had a whisper that Croft's killing might have been carried out on behalf of a jealous former lover, partner, wife, well, you take your pick.
What, a professional hit? We said it was silly.
And we're not accusing the British Army, but your professional observations would be appreciated.
We're just a couple of squaddies taking a weekend off to prove to the world that even though we're soldiers we're not mindless zombies.
Any day now we're off to keep the peace under the flag of the United Nations at some pimple on the arsehole of the universe.
We're here to have fun.
So far, fun's been a bit thin on the ground.
And we have to check every possibility.
Now you've ticked that box, you can file it under 'garbage' and move on.
Are we through? Unless you had sex with Ethan Croft last night.
What? It's a simple enough question.
I imagine you'd remember if you had.
I would remember and I definitely did not.
Thank you.
I think she'll be very good at keeping the peace.
Same as her friend, the silent sergeant.
Carrying out orders without question.
Licensed to kill.
It's what soldiers do.
What, telling lies? Everyone tells lies.
Especially about sex.
Did you tell them? What is there to tell? It's my decision, Sergeant.
My decision.
I thought your team were brilliant earlier.
We practise hard and we need the money.
Are any of you aware of Ethan Croft's work as a translator and interpreter during his time at Oxford? I can't say that I am.
Nor me.
Yes.
Can you elaborate? I vaguely remember a guy in college raving about him.
How he'd done some highly original translations of Chekhov and Gorky.
Decided they were both very funny writers.
Hence his first, presumably.
Yes.
The Lower Depths, a laugh on every line.
Mind you, I always did take more interest in my fellow students than you did.
I was cursed with ambition.
There's no cure.
And we've had a hint that he might have done some very high-profile, highly-sensitive work.
Which, by definition, would be highly confidential.
And why would he tell any of us about it? I'm only a lawyer.
What do lawyers know? Sorry to keep you waiting, guys.
Just getting the questions in order.
If you'd like to take your places, this is the next match in our Quizaholics Weekend between the Grey Guardians and the Red Hot Mamas.
If the rest of you would like to sit down and play the part of the appreciative audience.
Sorry, everyone.
Call of nature.
We do seem to be missing someone.
Where is Eve? She said she was going to her room to swot up on Top 20 hits since 1955.
Which probably guarantees she's fallen asleep.
Would anyone like to wake her up? Would you like me to go? She's next door to me.
Thank you, you're an angel.
Just as I was getting excited.
Eve.
You're keeping everybody waiting.
Eve.
Eve? Oh! Nothing complicated.
Been strangled.
From behind.
With? Bare hands.
As for the timing I know about the timing.
She came up to her room at two and was discovered at four.
She was doing her homework.
We need to know exactly where everybody was between two and four.
No more fudging.
Shall I round them up? Yeah, with a whip.
I'm getting sick of these people.
Were you close to Eve? Well, um Yes, I suppose I was.
Babies do that to women.
Until this weekend.
What happened this weekend? Ethan Croft.
He didn't really remember me.
He pretended to, but And then he just made a beeline for Eve, so I thought to hell with him.
So they went to her room? His room? His room.
I wouldn't care, but she has a husband.
He's not much of one, but at least he's there some of the time.
I don't have anyone.
You have a child? I have a snotty two-year-old and a mad grandma.
I think they might have had a row.
I think I heard them arguing in the corridor outside my room.
And then it just went quiet.
I should have done something.
She might still be alive.
Were you jealous? Jealous? Why would I be jealous? You come to rekindle your first love and he goes off with your best friend? I might have been a bit miffed.
You mean jealous enough to commit murder? I wasn't accusing you.
God, I hate this place.
I want to go home.
To a snotty two-year-old and your mad grandma? Anything's better than this.
Did you hear anything resembling a row on your landing? To be perfectly honest, I was somewhat preoccupied with my own problems.
Personal or professional? Private maybe? Try me.
Have you ever planned an idyllic, romantic get-away-from-it-all weekend, only to have it turn into a handful of dust? Now, that really is private.
I'm going to ask you all to do something very simple.
You all have a piece of paper.
And I want you to write down, in precise and accurate detail, what you were doing between two and four this afternoon.
Plus who you were with.
And if we were alone? Then that's what you write down.
And I should remind you, if what you write down turns out to be untrue, then you'll be guilty of wasting police time, of obstruction and all manner of new offences, which the government is probably planning to introduce at any moment as part of their ongoing fight against global terrorism.
How's it going? What? The not smoking.
It's a nightmare.
I'd rather talk about my suspect.
Robyn Strong? It's worth examining as an idea.
Persuade me.
She has a fantasy of a perfect man, based on the perfect boy she knew from school.
And what happens? He doesn't remember her and he runs off with her so-called best friend.
She'd have to be slightly deranged.
One could argue that all murderers are slightly deranged.
Especially in a crime of passion.
I don't buy it.
Better ideas? I'm keeping an open mind.
Sounds like a no.
You're good together, you know.
Who? You and the doc.
We were going to the opera together.
That's all.
We weren't planning to elope.
I wouldn't even know the way to Gretna Green.
You said you were overnighting.
Where were you gonna stay? I booked the tickets.
She booked the hotel.
One room or two? Do us a favour, will you, and mind your own business.
Go and find your guitar or something.
(BELLS RING) They should be ready to hand in their homework by now.
How are you planning to structure the rest of the weekend? Well, a lot of people want to go home.
I assume you'd rather they didn't.
You assume right.
So I thought a quiet supper, followed by a quiz, just for amusement.
Keep it very low-key.
What about the £5,000? Well, the students are keen to carry on.
They're already through to the final.
Apart from that, I've had a number of withdrawals, but the Grey Guardians The Oxford dons? They're happy to continue.
So I thought a grand final, for the money, between those two teams, tomorrow afternoon.
And then people can go.
If you've finished with them by then.
I sincerely hope I'll be finished with them by then.
With one obvious exception.
All done? All done.
I half expected one or two of them to be in Latin, but we're fine.
Robyn Strong was in her room brushing up on the quiz questions.
The lawyers and dons were in the college library.
Ava Taylor, the students and the soldiers were drinking coffee in the cafeteria where they were later joined by the lawyers and the dons.
Richards? In the dining hall, getting ready for the quiz.
Right.
So now all we have to do is find out which of them is telling lies.
For amusement only what connects an island in Scotland with the Olympic Games? (BELL) Hoy.
The connection? The island of Hoy is in the Orkneys.
And Chris Hoy won three gold medals in the cycling.
Next, what links Isambard Kingdom Brunel with a former Lancashire wicket-keeper? Too easy.
Speak for yourself.
Brunel was an engineer.
Farouk Engineer kept wicket for Lancashire.
The answer, therefore, is 'engineer'.
Takes one to know one.
Oh, for God's sake, who gives a damn about any of this? I suspect the honest answer isnobody.
In fairness, Mr Richards is doing a praiseworthy job in trying to keep up our spirits in an impossible situation.
You'd have done well at Dunkirk.
Well, I've had enough of these silly questions.
There's only one question that matters here and no-one knows the answer to that one! Somebody knows the answer to that one.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Is it all right if I Feel free.
I'm past caring.
The thing is you've lost your partner.
I haven't really got one.
Poor old you.
No.
I mean I can do the sales pitch and the flash talk, but .
.
really I'm like you, just lost in a strange land.
I just wondered whether it would help you .
.
if we were lost together? No ulterior motive.
I'm just suggesting we become kind of .
.
temporary friends.
Till we can get the hell out of this place.
A temporary friend? Are you single? I live on my own with some tropical fish.
And all of Bob Dylan's albums.
Probably extremely sad.
But I can give you my word I'm not a murderer.
How do you know I'm not? Sorry? It's all very well us being special friends, but one of us is a murderer, whichever way you look at it.
Not a woman? I wouldn't be the first.
Nah, it's ridiculous.
Is it? I suppose it is.
Who knows? (TICKING) So, this is whereEthan did all his work.
All right if we have a browse? Of course.
Help yourself.
I'llleave you to it.
So, Mr Ethan Croft, where did you hide the secrets that could put people in prison? And what sort of secrets were they? Old-fashioned blackmail stuff? Laptop? That's your department.
I'll do the paperwork.
This could take days.
Which we do not have.
Ah.
Problem? I don't speak Russian.
Do you? I'm only just in control of English.
It's an impressive form of security.
A lot of these are in Russian, too.
Ah.
This is better.
English? Yeah.
And there seems to be a system in amongst all the mess.
Files marked Personal, Business, School, Trades Union and Highly Personal.
Oh, promising.
Unfortunatelynone marked Top Secret.
You know what, we're gonna have to take all this stuff away and just resign ourselves to getting very little sleep tonight.
Sleep's over-rated, especially on a Saturday.
Do you have to be so young? Thanks, Mrs Croft.
You're welcome.
Are you aware of the hourly rate a Russian translator will charge at the weekend? I'm no expert, but I think there's Polish, as well.
What makes you think the murders are connected with his work as a translator? That's one of three possibilities.
The others being? I fancy a crime of passion.
There's enough sexual energy there to power the national grid.
Or it could be related to the quiz weekend itself.
Our genial host Marcus Richards seems to me like a fully-paid-up con artist.
So it's one chance in three that it's all to do with the Russians? As things stand.
We'll find you a translator.
Here's a thing.
What? Initial medical report on Eve Rigby.
She hadn't had sex recently.
(DOOR CLOSES) I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
Secret? Wow.
According to our medical records, Ethan Croft had sex with somebody before he died.
Sounds like a nice way to go.
But again, according to our medical records, Eve Rigby hadn't had sex with anyone, so it leaves us with the question, who did he have sex with? How should I know? Well, I could ask the obvious question.
Maybe I should ask the obvious question? Me? I find that whole idea hysterically funny, that's how far we've travelled.
Any joy, enlightenment, jokes? Is this Ethan Croft's work? Yeah.
How did you know? We studied together.
There are translations here They've got his fingerprints all over them.
He was brilliant.
But people have probably told you that.
They have.
But this stuff, it's either literary, translations of Chekhov and Tolstoy all the standard authors and some technical material that's honestly beyond me.
It was a terrible waste of talent, you know.
How do you mean? Well, doing radical versions of great authors, that's one thing.
Acting as an interpreter for footballers and businessmen, that's hack work by comparison.
That's what I do.
If you knew Ethan Croft in his Oxford days, were you aware of this sexual harassment business? Only as a rumour.
One moment he was there and suddenly he was gone.
Accompanied by a lot of whispering behind hands.
How about old-fashioned paper? A lot of trade union minutes.
Utterly fascinating.
I'll bet.
He was a very angry and frustrated man.
Looking in his diary, it's mainly appointments, but every so often he pops in a comment on the news.
He hates the government, he hates bankers and he hates the City of London.
Not a bad judge.
I've found budgets here for some project or other.
Could be engineering.
All seems honest and above board.
Pity.
Breath of fresh air? As long as I can contaminate it with nicotine.
Everybody tucked up safely? As far as I know.
I can't check them all personally.
But I've never lost anybody until this weekend.
Do you remember Ethan Croft when he was a student here? I certainly do.
Piss artist and sex maniac.
Which is saying something, bearing in mind .
.
he's a student and they're all that way inclined.
Were you familiar with him as a junior lecturer? When they ran him out of town? That bad, was it? Well, no, it was all very gentlemanly, this being Oxford.
Other places he'd have been tarred and feathered.
Do you remember the name of the girl? I can't remember what she was called then.
I know what she's called now.
Mrs Milner.
Can't remember her first name.
Married to Professor Milner, the engineer? Yes.
Why didn't you tell us this earlier? No bugger asked me.
You didn't tell us your wife was the young woman who accused Ethan Croft of sexual harassment.
A sin of omission.
I apologise.
Why didn't you tell us? It was a very painful episode for her.
Traumatic.
The scars took a long time to heal and II didn't want her dragged into all of this.
It didn't seem relevant.
That implies you know what is relevant.
Not at all.
I'm simply a very protective husband.
Now, permission to return to my breakfast? As long as you promise not to run away.
Where would I run to? Mr Lewis.
Good morning.
We'd like to leave at lunchtime.
Sorry.
That won't be possible.
We're under orders.
We fly out tomorrow.
To? I'm not allowed to say.
But I believe there's a lot of sand.
Peace-keeping? The smart money says so.
As far as I'm concerned, you can leave the minute we've made an arrest.
I can talk to your commanding officer.
No need.
I'll refer him directly to you.
By the way, the smart money still says that Mr Richards is your man.
He's rescheduled the quiz for two o'clock.
That says to me he's looking for a quick exit.
Aren't we all? Aye.
Thanks.
(PHONE RINGS) All right, pet? Did you find anything? Ah, that's brilliant.
No, no, hang on, hang on.
I'm gonna have to write this down.
Yeah.
OK.
Nice and slow.
I've got news for you.
Oh, good.
I enjoy news.
Look.
'1948 Gibson L-5 PE guitar with a honey blonde finish and a Charlie Christian pickup.
' Any resemblance to yours? How did you do this? You don't do computers.
I phoned my daughter.
She told me where to look, how to do it.
It's amazing.
Is it yours? Yeah.
And is it really worth £3,000? Her price is beyond rubies.
I'll take that as a yes, then.
Oh, show time! We still don't know who Croft had sex with before he died.
We could ask them all.
The only thing I know for sure is nobody tells the truth about their sex life.
That's very good.
I'll try and remember that.
Welcome to the Quizaholics Grand Final.
Within the next half hour, one of these two teams will walk away with £5,000.
To make things more difficult for them and with the help of my magic laptop, they will have to do so under simulated television studio conditions.
(JAUNTY PROGRAMME INTRO) Grey Guardians, are you ready? I've been ready for 50 years.
Toxic Debt? Raring to go.
Good luck to both teams.
And we'll start with a round that I call Very Loose Connections.
What links the following? Ages and Wisdom.
The number seven.
Would you care to explain? Shakespeare wrote the famous Seven Ages of Man speech and TE Lawrence wrote the Seven Pillars of Wisdom.
That's correct.
Ah.
You'll enjoy this one.
What links Lawrenceand Lawrence? Yes? The answer is Shaw.
Why is the answer Shaw? TE Lawrence was also known as Shaw.
And George Bernard Shaw lived in a place called Ayot St Lawrence.
Correct.
This is ridiculous.
I didn't think students read books any more.
Don't ask me.
I'm only a policeman.
What links Shaw with a park in New York? At last.
One for the oldies.
Is that your answer? No.
The answer is Artie Shaw.
The great American jazz clarinettist, who led a band called the Gramercy Five, named after Gramercy Park in New York.
The band was also notable for having a harpsichord instead of the more usual piano.
Do I get a bonus point for that? I'm afraid not, but everybody in the room is deeply impressed, I'm sure.
Yes, I'll meet the price.
Yeah, cash.
My name? Lewis.
With the teams dead level, it's down to the sudden death question.
And you will be delighted to know that the subject is modern architecture.
My favourite.
I thought it might be.
Which means the £5,000 first prize hangs on who is first to answer.
Who designedthe Guggenheim Grey Guardians? Frank Gehry.
Frank Gehry? That answer is .
.
incorrect.
For heaven's sake, man, I've been to the Guggenheim.
It's in Bilbao.
I will read the question in full.
Who designed the Guggenheim Museum in New York? Frank Lloyd Wright.
That answer is correct! Toxic Debt, you win £5,000! Come forward, Toxic Debt.
Brilliant.
Yup, yup.
Congratulations, Toxic Debt.
Well done.
But now, before we all pack our bags and head for home, I should just say a word about the tragic events that have taken place this weekend.
I think you've all behaved brilliantly in the most difficult of circumstances.
How low will this man sink? That's a very good question.
Mr Richards.
Marcus.
I'd like you to come to the police station and answer a few questions.
Sudden death questions? We don't know yet.
May I? Is the cheque in the post? I can explain.
I'm sure you will.
Does this mean the rest of us can leave? Not yet.
Maybe after tea.
How very English.
Are we in trouble? Not as much as some other people.
Would you like a biscuit? Looks like we were right all along.
Naturally.
But I still think you should own up.
What difference would it make? You tell the truth, it means I don't have to tell lies or withhold evidence.
You see, if I was expecting a cheque for £5,000, this would be deeply disappointing.
Mea culpa.
It's a scam, isn't it? A modest one.
You pay students a few quid and tell them the answers in advance? They need the money more than the old farts.
Call it a social service.
How much do you pay them? Couple of hundred each, cash.
They get free board and lodging.
From their point of view, a very good deal.
And from my point of view, it's illegal.
Well, slightly.
I mean, nobody gets hurt.
Two people have been murdered! That's nothing to do with me.
Pardon the expression, but that's what they all say.
OK.
Two-bit conman.
Guilty as charged.
To save you checking, I've pulled the same stroke at regular intervals over the last few years.
On a good weekend, I might clear a couple of grand.
I'm never going to get rich and, as a matter of fact, it's very hard work.
I do not kill people, Mr Lewis.
Even when they realise what you're up to? I don't kill them.
I give them money.
I've done it before.
It's one thing I've learned.
You can buy people's silence.
It's amazingly cheap.
(KNOCKING) Yeah.
Sir, can I have a word? Lieutenant Baxter called.
She wants to speak to one of us.
It sounded urgent.
I knew she was holding out on us.
We don't know for certain.
Trust me.
What about Richards? Says he's not the murdering kind.
I tend to agree.
Too spineless.
But it won't do any harm for the rest to think the case is closed.
A false sense of security? Can't do any harm.
Go talk to the army.
I'll follow you later.
Saturday night, when Croft was murdered .
.
I had sex with him.
And I hit him.
In that order? Yes.
Can you be more specific? I was on my way to bed and I almost collided with him and Eve Rigby.
They were having a row.
She went off to her room and I started talking to him.
Or, to be more precise, listening to him.
He was an interesting guy and .
.
well, I fancied him.
Sobingo.
This was his room? Yes.
Why did you hit him? His wife telephoned at, you might say, a crucial moment.
I didn't know he had a wife.
So I gave him a swift backhander.
That's how I got the bruises on my hand.
Your guvnor spotted them.
He's very good.
Mm.
So you whacked him.
And then what happened? I went to my room.
And Croft said he needed another drink.
I don't blame him.
He went to the bar? His exact words were, 'I'm gonna make those bastards squirm.
' Any bastards in particular? The Oxford variety.
He had serious hang-ups about Oxford.
And he kept going on about Helsinki.
Helsinki? It's the capital of Finland.
Thanks, I know where Helsinki is.
Helsinki? Can you check that? No need.
I know exactly what that's about.
It's an engineering research laboratory.
And the Professor of Engineering is? Charles Milner, eminent quiz competitor.
But who paid for it? You and me, the taxpayers? Not exactly.
According to the website, it's a unique collaboration between the British government, the Russian government and major industrial interests of both countries, back in the '90s.
This is when the Russians were learning to be capitalists.
And before they started taking over our football teams? Ethan Croft was an interpreter during the negotiations, some of which were held in Helsinki.
If he got to know some of these guys and I'm not saying they're all gangsters or Mafia types, but if he did and had access to valuable information Industrial espionage? There are hints here and there of defence contracts.
A freelance spy? Explains why he was kicked out of Oxford.
Everyone knows Oxford and Cambridge are chock full of spies and traitors.
That's just stereotypical thinking.
Which, of course, you share.
Some of the time.
Who's gonna suspect a primary school teacher of selling our secrets to the Russians or vice versa? So who killed him? How long is this likely to go on? As long as the proverbial piece of string, I should imagine.
I was assuming our genial quiz master must be the Guilty party? One hesitates to accuse the man directly.
Did you get any sense of what was going on when you talked to the sergeant? Nothing at all.
Perhaps we should just drink our tea.
How very English.
So you keep saying.
And very tedious it is, too.
Sorry.
Just to let everybody know, I've been released without a stain on my character.
Professor Milner.
I'm talking about a couple of dons and some lawyers who were in the library yesterday afternoon.
I was here.
I saw them.
It's a silly question, but what did they do? Browsed.
Usual thing with guys like that.
They check their books are on the shelves in the right places.
They look in Who's Who to make sure their entries have been properly updated.
That's about it.
Well, it is Oxford.
Did you know any of them? Sorry.
I hate to be stereotypical, but they all look alike to me.
And Who's Who is? Thank you.
We had a look at your new building.
It's very impressive.
It's not all that new.
It's been open almost ten years.
We think it's unique.
A millennium project that actually works.
And Ethan Croft was translator and interpreter in Helsinki during the financial negotiations.
I believe so.
So you must have worked with him quite closely at the time? Not at all.
I was one of a team.
The Russians were there in equally large numbers.
We were in a big room full of people with Croft sitting in a corner doing simultaneous translations into our headphones.
It'sit's an invaluable skill, but it doesn't form the basis for a lasting friendship.
And he wasn't the only one.
There were other interpreters? Croft left hurriedly under a cloud.
He had to be replaced.
The affair with your wife.
Quite so.
Though .
.
she wasn't my wife at the time.
We'll need to talk to your wife.
I'd rather you didn't.
As I said, it was a traumatic experience for her.
Will she be at home? She'll be at church.
She plays the organ.
(ORGAN PLAYS) Mrs Milner? We're told that you had an affair with Ethan Croft which led to him losing his job here in Oxford.
Well, it's sort of true.
'Sort of true' doesn't mean much in law, Mrs Milner.
Well, it's true we had an affair.
But it wasn't a case of a junior lecturer seducing a first-year student.
That part of it was sort of 50-50.
So how did he lose his job? I was asked to sign a simple statement admitting to the affair.
So I did.
It was true, so there seemed no harm in it.
Who asked you to sign it? The head of my college.
And if you hadn't signed? It was made very clear that it would have a serious effect on my degree.
What sort of degree did you get? A first.
Look, I know it sounds like I took the pieces of silver, but I didn't tell any lies.
I simply signed a short factual statement.
Why did they want rid of Ethan? I have no idea of the details and he refused to talk about it.
But .
.
I'm pretty sure he was a whistle-blower.
A whistle-blower? Something was going on and he knew about it.
I was used to get rid of him.
Ethan Croft was a whistle-blower.
Which implies that somebody is guilty of foul play.
We know he was part of the negotiations with the Russians for the financing of Professor Milner's shiny new engineering building.
Was somebody not playing by the rules? It's possible.
Hi.
Can you do something for me? Crawl all over the documents relating to the engineering building, see who was involved.
I want lots of names.
That's easy.
I'm very good at names.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
What's to be sorry about? I don't think this was a crime of passion.
Which means you're probably wrong.
Even I can be wrong sometimes.
Maybe a reckless thing to say, but this is beginning to make sense.
Would it cheer you up if we collected your guitar on the way back? Yes, it would.
Do you know Starvin' Marvin's? No.
You'll have to teach me.
The man's name is Davis.
I bought the guitar from him three years ago.
But I thought he'd be likely to remember my name.
So he's expecting a Mr Lewis.
It might well have been stolen property then and it certainly is now.
What is he expecting from this Mr Lewis? £3,000 in cash.
I don't actually have £3,000 on me.
It beingSunday.
And how am I meant to identify this as the right instrument? He might try and fob me off with some old banjo.
Look inside the lid.
Your guitar has a lid? I thought only pianos had lids.
Inside the lid of the case.
I know it sounds pathetic, but I collect autographs from famous guitarists.
You'll find them inside Inside the lid.
Tell me some names so I know what to look out for.
Martin Taylor, Dave Cliff, Phil Lee, Pat Metheny, Russell Malone, John Parricelli Thank you.
That's enough names.
Mr Lewis? I'm here to collect a guitar.
Be my guest.
Got the cash? May Isee the goods? OK? Yeah.
You're under arrest.
What? This guitar was stolen from the boot of a car late on Friday evening.
I know his face.
Detective Sergeant Hathaway, Oxford police.
We've done business before.
Oh.
Bugger.
(PHONE RINGS) Lewis.
Where the hell are you? We're dealing with a double murder.
You're not at the murder scene and not here.
The only person here is a very expensive Russian translator.
I'm told you're on a related inquiry.
In what way related? Erboth happened on the bank holiday weekend.
That's twaddle.
But your translator has turned up a couple of little gems which might just get you off the hook.
According to our information, gleaned from Ethan Croft's computer files, your deal with the Russians who were financing the engineering building didn't run all that smoothly.
These things are always complicated.
The company that was originally involved pulled out and you ended up working with some exceedingly dubious oligarchs.
I'm an engineer.
No more, no less.
I had nothing to do with those people.
So who did? Thank you for looking after me.
The feeling's mutual.
Don't be a stranger.
Well, we've done the telephone numbers.
So, what do they eat? Sorry? I was thinking maybe I could come and see you and bring something for your tropical fish.
Ah.
I lied about the tropical fish.
You don't have any? No.
I do have two teenage children.
And a wife? I just wanted you to feel better.
Excuse me.
I think I'm needed.
Does this mean people can go home? More or less.
Except we'd like a word with Mr Anderson.
Me? Look, I'm sorry about all this.
You promised me a weekend to remember.
I know.
I doubt I'll forget it.
Perhaps next time they should go to the other place.
You work for a firm of corporate lawyers, specialists in brokering international business deals.
Yes.
And you did the deal for the financing of the new engineering building? We did.
And very tedious it was, too.
Why? Russians have their own way of doing business.
Yeah.
And somewhere along the line, one lot of Russians disappeared and were replaced with another lot.
Not dissimilar to gangsters.
Money was laundered.
Money from drugs, prostitution, protection, people smuggling.
That is an absurd suggestion.
And Ethan Croft, as the official translator, was a witness to the whole transaction.
And he left complete records of all this on his computer files.
Ethan Croft was a womaniser and a fantasist.
Also, a wild-eyed Trot, still marooned in the 1980s.
But honourable in his own way.
Even his wife said so.
That's why he couldn't be bought off.
So when he tried to blow the whistle, you and your old university cronies conspired to stitch him up for sexual harassment.
You two are even bigger fantasists than he was.
Why didn't you join your friends for coffee after you left the library yesterday afternoon? But I did.
We browsed in the library and then went for a coffee.
Here's the bill.
Three coffees, three cheesecakes.
McCavity wasn't there.
Why wait all these years? You've lost me.
If you're going to murder Ethan Croft, why wait until now? It must be the knighthood.
I blame the Queen.
You get a knighthood in the New Year's Honours List for services to the law and international relations? That's a step too far for Mr Croft.
So, this weekend the two of you are down here answering silly questions and he threatens to lift up the stone and let all those creepy-crawlies see the light of day.
And being a womaniser and a show-off, he decides to share the information with Eve Rigby.
Oh, is that the proposition? That I killed both of them? That's most certainly the proposition.
You heard them arguing outside your room.
They both knew about your grubby little secrets.
So they both had to go.
I am a lawyer.
I don't murder people.
I wouldn't know where to start.
Wrong.
You'd know exactly where to start.
According to your Who's Who entry, you're an expert in martial arts, which, in plain English, makes you a trained killer.
Who's Who? Vanity of vanities.
All is vanity.
He may have been a trained killer, but he wasn't smart enough to wear gloves when he strangled Eve Rigby.
We'll get a DNA match? Past the post and weighed in.
I'll pretend I understand that.
Have we really finished for the night? Yeah.
All's right with the world.
On a purely temporary basis, of course.
I've got a husband to confront when I get home.
I've got my baby back.
Stop it.
I assume that guitar is or was the related inquiry? Yeah.
The Gibson factor.
It wasn't related at all? Hardly at all, no.
Just be grateful I'm nice.
Good night, gentlemen.
BOTH: Night.
Hi, Laura? Listen, I know it's a bit late, but we might just find somewhere that's still open.
What do you think? Bit of a consolation prize? What does she think? It's personal.
There's nothing I can do.
It's a bank holiday weekend.
It's so busy.
I'm sorry.
Same story again.
'It's a bank holiday weekend.
You should have booked a table.
' Damn.
Desperate times, desperate measures.
Wait there.
Who'd have thought that one day haddock would be a luxury food? And that we'd get little forks to eat it with? Yeah.
I know how to give a girl a good time.
I'm sorry about the opera, though.
Mm, me, too.
Had you booked somewhere nice to stay? Just a modern little country house hotel in its own grounds, with a swimming pool, and a gymnasium, a jogging trail.
And just to stop you wondering, I'd booked two rooms.
Of course.
It would have been a damn sight more exciting than a quiz weekend.
What's the attraction about quizzes? Why do people do it? Compulsive list-makers.
Clinically speaking, they're obsessive neurotics.
Here's a question.
If you went on Mastermind, what would be your chosen specialist subject? Well, the thing I know most about is .
.
corpses.
That would go down great.
A barrel of laughs.
What about your specialist subject? Aside from work and the kids, I haven't got one.
What about loneliness? Pass.