Mad About You s04e03 Episode Script

[Paul.]
do we have any cantaloupe? [Jamie.]
it's out of season.
Cantaloupe doesn't go out of season.
It's a year-Round fruit.
There's no such thing as a year-Round fruit.
Bananas are a year-Round fruit.
Then have a banana.
I don't want a banana.
I want a cantaloupe.
It's out of season.
Cantaloupe doesn't go out of season.
[Whimpers.]
** [theme.]
* tell me why i love you like i do * * tell me who can stop my heart as much as you * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into * * the final frontier * * mad about you, baby * * yeah * Come on, honey.
The bus is coming.
Oh, never mind.
If i made these, would you eat them? Would you make those? If you'd eat them.
Yeah.
Sure, whatever.
Oh, god, it's two pages.
Forget it.
I'm not making them.
Ooh, i had my heart set on them, too.
Here we go.
Come on.
All right, very good.
I wonder if es and bl are still together.
I think so.
I think they are, Because they were on the right track.
These are good people.
They took the bus.
They saved their money.
With the money they saved, They bought a nice little house upstate.
Tree-Lined street.
Good school district.
Unfortunately, the neighbor's kids are hooligans, And every sunday, they pelt the house with eggs.
The police have to come, but there's nothing you can do, sadly, Because there's no proof.
There's no proof.
Got a pen? For what? "Bliss or blunder? Perfect mate or big mistake?" Oh, no, no, no.
Come on, it's a quiz.
What kind of quiz? Can you win a boat? No.
Then what good comes of this? All right, fine.
I'll take it for both of us.
No, you can't.
You can't do that.
Why not? Because then it's skewed.
In or out? All right, go.
"Question one do you believe in love at first sight?" Do you still have the sunday times? Last one right here.
Thanks.
Hey, what are you doing? My parents' obituary is in here.
Oh, gee, go ahead.
Both of them? It was an earthquake.
Really? Beams hit them.
Beams? It was very fast.
The ground just swallowed up their house.
What? What, nothing? Thanks.
"J.
Stemple.
" Stemple.
Can you believe that girl? Hi.
What are you doing with my dry cleaning? Well, you dropped the slip last night as you hijacked my newspaper.
How did you find her? I went to the dry cleaners.
And they told you where i worked? Well, i told them i was your house boy, coco.
He thinks i have a sexy voice.
He's a nice guy, and he's cute.
He is, isn't he? And he gets that little twinkle in his eye.
I know.
He's so cute.
Tell me something about her.
Jamie? Well, i could tell you this.
I think she likes you.
No.
You think? Yeah, i think.
Yeah, because well, you can sense these things, Because when you know somebody that long, You can sort of read the signs.
What signs? Fran told me.
I thought about you too last night.
And then, when you found me here today, It's like it was too good to be true.
And though you seem to be this nice guy i can see why you're troubled.
You realize if this doesn't work out, I'm going to have to blow my brains out.
That's good.
So long as there's no pressure.
Yeah.
I just don't want to be disappointed again.
I'll do my best.
Okay, come on.
Next question.
"On a scale from 1 to 10, rate your sex life.
" It only goes up to 10? It doesn't bother you that we haven't had sex in five days? Hello.
I just don't understand why it doesn't bother you.
It's been almost a week.
It's not a week.
Sunday will be a week.
What's going on with us? What's going on is that we're married five months, And the sexual part is over.
See, i thought you understood that.
I'm sorry.
That's what happens now.
Well, i'm stumped.
It beats me.
We know how to do this.
What is it let's just go back to basics.
Arousal.
Arousal.
Yes.
Arouse me.
How you doing? Nice to see you.
How are you? Nice to see you.
Good.
Hmm.
What what is this? I thought we could have sex now.
Then we wouldn't have to do it later.
Are you eating? I'm nibbling your ear.
I like that.
And i'm going down your body.
I love that.
And i am kissing your knees.
What niece? I don't have a niece.
Your knees.
Oh, my knees.
I'm sorry, i'm sorry.
Come on, get with the program here, babe.
All right.
Okay.
I'm, um what? I'm kissing your chest.
I'm enjoying that.
I'm enjoying watching that from here.
Keep watching.
Well, you bet.
I'm kissing down your body.
My tongue is just around your [phone beeps.]
Hold on a second.
I have another call.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're right.
Let's do it.
Just like that? Bing, bang, boom? At this point, i'd settle for the boom.
You don't want the bing and bang? I did when we started.
And now? I'm over it.
You're a very complex woman.
You don't want the boom? Of course i want the boom.
Guys always want the boom.
We only made up the whole bing and the bang Just to get the boom.
I thought you liked the bing and the bang.
I love the bing and the bang.
I don't always need it.
Neither do i.
So then what are we arguing we're not.
All right.
"Would you say you get along all of the time, Some of the time, none of the time?" All of the time.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, i can't.
Lisa, i got to go.
All right.
I will see you when you get here.
Hurry up.
Good-Bye.
Okay, i get it.
You're mad.
Okay.
How long are you going to go without talking to me? A week? A month? Eventually, you got to talk to me.
You got to come home and say, "honey, look how much money we made on your investment.
" You want to know the truth? We would never have had to gone out in the first place If you didn't let our mothers tag team you on our damn call waiting.
So this whole thing is my fault? Yeah, you're the one who wanted call waiting.
I didn't want call waiting.
I'm perfectly happy with a busy signal.
That's because you don't have that many friends.
I have plenty of friends, But i'm not so worried about getting back to them.
I'm not like you.
Oh, what if someone's trying to get us? What if they want to get us? Well, they got us, baby.
You happy now? Hey, there's my beautiful bride.
Yeah, bite me.
All i want you to do is admit you were wrong.
Listen, i may have been a few minutes too impulsive.
No, that's not it.
I was i listen, it's not impossible that my judgment was impaired By the enthusiasm can you just say you were wrong? I'm saying this is not the most right i've ever been.
You are pathetic.
I hate that you're being this way.
Well, good, because i hate that you made plans with your sister On the first saturday i'm not working in five weeks.
I didn't know you weren't working, for the 416th time.
I said to you thursday you said you thought you might not have to.
You never confirmed.
I never confirmed? What, are you twa? Why don't you just say it? Say what? That i'm driving you nuts.
Why would i say that? Because it's true, isn't it? No, it's not.
You can't say it? I'm driving you nuts.
You know what? Yes, you are.
You're driving me nuts.
Okay then.
No, it's not okay, Because you don't realize what a nut you've become nuts.
You're just nuts.
You're nutty.
Everything is nutty.
You've become quite the nut, my little friend.
And i'll be honest yes, you asked me.
Yes, you're driving me crazy.
Well, why didn't you just say something? Because it's all right.
Who would you say really runs your household? Honey? This is new.
How did murray do with the mouse today? There is no mouse.
Oh, there's no mouse? What's he been chasing all week? He thinks there's a mouse, so he runs after nothing 90 miles an hour, And slams into the wall with this pathetic, furry thud.
[Thud.]
Hey, this is really low.
How do you do this? [Thud.]
[Thud.]
Murray, go get the mouse.
He doesn't want to.
Murray, look.
Go get the mouse.
He ain't interested.
Here it comes, here it comes.
Murray, here comes the mouse.
Here comes the mouse.
[Thud.]
Son of a bitch.
Aw.
Look at you.
Hey, isn't that our bus? All right, very good.
Okay.
Let me see.
Wait.
What are you doing? I just want to see if we're winning.
You can't score till the end.
Just give me round numbers.
Are we happy? We're very happy.
I know we're happy.
It's nice to have it confirmed numerically.
Wouldn't that be horrible? What? What if we take this whole test And find out we're miserable? I'd leave you.
You'd leave me? In a heartbeat, baby.
That's very sweet.
Sure, but if the magazine says remember i took that nutrition quiz, Found that i have no potassium.
Got that big jar of banana power.
Did you ever take that banana power? Not once.
Why did you buy it? Because the magazine said.
There it is.
Oh, no, that's not our bus.
All right, give me another question.
"Does your spouse still find the little things you do endearing?" [Slurps.]
[Slurps.]
[Slurps.]
[Gargles.]
** [paul hums.]
[Snores.]
Hey, what are you, nuts? We talked about that.
Don't do that.
You're nuts.
You're a big, nutty nut.
Watch me.
Voilà.
[Woman on tv.]
oh, darling, we'll never be apart, ever.
* matty told hatty * * about the thing she'd done * ** [vocalizes.]
* wooly bully, wooly bully * * wooly bully * * wooly bully, wooly bully * How long are we going to be doing this? "Do you enjoy spending time with your spouse's family?" I'm going to say yes anyway.
Look, you have a husband and i have a husband.
We're women.
We're a family.
And you can talk to me about how you feel.
I want you to.
Paul, you know who i ran into? Gloria black.
I just don't want to sit with betty.
Betty's not coming.
It doesn't matter.
You just can't seat people willy-Nilly.
This is not willy-Nilly here.
You put estelle morris with the depressives.
Why? Why do you think, mom? She's better.
She's not better.
Listen, i wouldn't put charlie near the bar.
You're asking for trouble.
Oh, let's change charlie with anna.
Which one is anna? The big one.
The fosters are coming.
Yes.
Where? Right here.
[Doorbell buzzes.]
All right, nobody's changing anything.
[Doorbell buzzes.]
[overlapping chatter.]
The gunderlatts just bit me in the ass.
Pop, i was getting worried about you.
You'll never guess who i saw.
Who? Regis philbin.
Where? Downstairs.
Come on, let's go down.
I'll introduce us.
Dad, the second act's about to start.
We have time.
You know what? It probably wasn't even him.
What? I don't know regis philbin? Yes, of course.
You are the foremost regis philbin spotter on the planet.
What are you so upset about? He's not upset.
I'm not upset.
There he is.
Don't point at him.
Where? Fourth row.
All, right, pop.
Dad, come on.
Hey, that's him.
All right.
Didn't i tell you? Honey, that actually is him.
I'm very excited.
Okay, dad, come on.
Dad here, hey hello, regis! Hey, james, how you doing? Good.
We're just running down one thing, all right? It's totally up to you, But i was talking to this buddy of mine Who does these comic book conventions.
And again, totally up to you.
But if we wanted to make a little extra money, Just taking your picture with the people, Stuff like that no.
Totally up to you.
I know.
Easy money.
I know.
I think you should move.
So okay, you'll think about it.
Your mother was in labor for 26 hours? I had a very big head.
Tell her i appreciated the accommodations back then.
I am out now.
And get over the scampi.
Mrs.
Buchman, hold on one second.
I got another call.
Hello, buchman residence? Oh, hi, mrs.
Stemple.
Jamie, it's your mom.
No, forget it.
No, she sounds happy.
Of course she sounds happy.
Tell her to call back when she's not.
Mrs.
Stemple, can you hold on a minute? Mrs.
Buchman, can i tell you something? Go ahead, darling.
Last labor day, when jamie's parents had that big barbeque no, no, no.
jamie's mother spent 20 minutes Telling me how wonderful you were.
They had a barbeque and didn't invite us? What? I'm sure she meant to invite you.
Uh-Huh, uh-Huh.
Hold on a second.
Mrs.
Stemple? Uh-Huh.
I'm going uptown.
Do you think that she would like a lift? That's all right.
You don't have to.
So you don't want me to give you a lift? No, i would love a lift.
Thank you, mom.
Did you hear that? She called me "mom.
" You don't have to do that.
Okay.
"Do you share your fantasies with your spouse?" Put down "yes, but i don't advise it.
" Brinkley, david.
Brinkley, christie.
You know, if you don't mind, I'd love for you to rub some of this oil on my back.
I just like this so much.
You know, it's okay to do it hard.
I'm sorry, am i being too gentle? No, it's just perfect.
I just want you to know That you can't do it too hard, or too soft.
Everything you do is just right.
That's what i think.
Thank you.
You're being like a child.
You play some video game one time, and you have to have it? It's not a video game.
I keep telling you, it's not a video game.
All right, what is the difference? It's so you can't even compare.
It's like on this, you can do anything you want.
You can ski on the alps.
You're riding a raft through the colorado river.
You're in the space shuttle.
You're flying over the earth.
You can sing on broadway.
You're on-Stage, you're singing.
And everything you do, it's like it's like you're doing it.
You're right there.
You're doing it.
Could we do these things together? Of course.
Yeah.
What did you do? I gave christie brinkley a massage.
She had an itch.
Listen, it's phenomenal.
You really you can't believe what this is.
You it's like i'm like it's christie brinkley, right, So i'm looking at christie brinkley.
I'm talking to christie brinkley.
Christie brinkley is talking to me.
We're talking.
Christie brinkley and i were you could see her.
I could feel christie brinkley.
It's so funny.
They had lotion and this oil, So she asked me to put her so i'm putting this lotion, And i'm rubbing oil right on her.
And i'm telling you, you have never felt skin like this.
You're a little, little man.
All right, so how did we do? What, very happy? Blissful? Ecstatic? What are we looking at? Carry the one.
Well? Wait a second.
Wow.
Really? ** [theme music.]
* tell me why * * i love you like i do * * tell me who * * can stop my heart as much as you * * tell me all your secrets * * and i'll tell you most of mine * * they say nobody's perfect * * well, that's really true this time * * i don't have the answers * * i don't have a plan * * all i have is you * * so darling, help me understand * * what we do * * you can whisper in my ear * * where we go * * who knows what happens after here? * * let's take each other's hand * * as we jump into the final frontier * * i'm mad about you, baby * * final frontier * * yeah * * yeah * * i'm mad about you * * final frontier * What do they know? Closed-Captioned by j.
R.
Media services, inc.
Burbank, ca ** [theme.]