Midsomer Murders (1997) s04e03 Episode Script

METAL CLANGS FAINTLY MUSIC BUILDS (GRUNTS) Halt! It's over, Peter.
It'll never be over.
Jamais vaincu.
You remember that.
FARMER: Seek 'em out, Flush 'em out.
Go on.
Sh, sh, sh.
Steve! Go, boy.
Stop, for God's sake! I can hear Harry! Oh God.
It's your father-in-law.
They're in there somewhere.
He's looking for us.
Paddy.
Go, find 'em! Go.
Go, find 'em.
Go.
He's walking up a few partridge, that's all.
He's miles away.
Come on, Sally.
Don't be a spoilsport.
(KISSING AND GIGGLING) Let me out of here! I've had enough.
You'll get us both killed.
Just keep still.
Nothing in there, old man? Not even a rutting buck .
.
and a randy young doe.
Paddy.
(DOG BARKS) (BARKING) Morning, Lady Chatwyn.
Good morning, Alice.
Terrible thing, isn't it? It is, Alice.
Bet your husband was shocked, wasn't he? He certainly was.
Lloyd.
Yeah.
Coming.
If we hurry we might get there before the police.
I told Harry to give me 20 minutes start before he called them.
Where is it? In our big wheat field, off the Mallow road.
Sir.
Afternoon, sir.
Afternoon, Troy.
Who found him? Farmer, sir.
Out trying to bag a few partridge.
He's over there, giving a statement.
So what's the word? Dumped by a flying saucer, would you believe? That makes a change.
Right, let's go take a look.
Dave.
Do we know how he died? Scared to death by the look of it.
His fingers are burnt but we should get prints.
Not exactly natural causes then.
Any more ID? Not as yet, no.
What are those marks on his back? Some kind of puncture wound.
But there's no sign of any weapon.
What about his hair? Look, there's a chunk cut out.
Looks like he's been to my barber, sir.
Thank you, sergeant.
Get this body to the morgue, ASAP, please.
What are these? Kind of thing you see where a helicopter has landed? Get the straw tested for aviation fuel and check with the Ministry of Defence.
OK? Yes, sir.
You don't think that these things are made by flying saucers then? Last I heard they were made with a board and a bit of string.
You said you'd give me All he wanted was a few pictures.
That's precisely what I gave you, Beatrice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I haven't quite finished with this charming young lady here.
Damn you.
Excuse me, sir, I understand you're the farmer who found the body? That's right.
Harry Chatwyn.
I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby and this is Detective Sergeant Troy.
Would you mind telling us what happened? I was out for a few partridge and I saw the crop circle.
Then I realised there was something in the circle.
So I went down to have a look and lo and behold there was this chap lying starkers in the middle of it.
Apart from him, was there anything out of the ordinary that you saw, any cars, people who looked out of place? No, not a living soul.
You've had crop circles in your fields before, have you? Good Lord, yes.
Well, thank you, sir.
We'll need to talk to you again after we've looked at your statement, all right? Of course.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Are you in charge here? Yes, yes I am.
Can I help you? No, but I can help you.
I'm Lloyd Kirby.
The ufologist from Midsomer Parva.
The what? The ufologist.
This bears all the marks of extraterrestrial activity.
Oh, so you an expert in these things, are you? It's been my lifelong field of study, yeah.
"Close Encounters of the Midsomer Kind".
Looks very interesting.
It is, I wrote it.
There are altogether too many instances of people being abducted like this.
In flying saucers? We use the term "Unidentified Flying Objects" because nobody upon this earth has yet been able to identify one.
You're basing this on personal experience are you? No, I've never been that lucky.
But I do - All I can say is, make sure you come back alive.
No, keep it.
It's a good read.
Thank you.
I look forward to it.
Mind if I took a few pictures for my newsletter? Crop circles are ten a penny but an abduction site like this - that's something else.
Absolutely out of the question, Mr Kirby.
This is a crime scene.
You're not treating this as a crime, are you? We are investigating a suspicious death, Mr Kirby.
But thank you, thank you very much for your opinion and your book.
How are you gonna arrest an extraterrestrial, then? If they're guilty everyone has to come back down to earth sometime or other.
(SOFTLY) And in your case, Mr Kirby, it'll be with a very large bump.
It's got to be some kind of gruesome hoax.
And the question is - who provided the body and how did he die? He was electrocuted.
By something very strong.
This just come through, sir.
The Yard's identified him by his fingerprints and you'll be surprised to know he's not a hippie.
Ronald Stokes, aged 58.
Three convictions for GBH and one for wounding.
I'm surprised the man was still on the streets.
So what on earth was he doing in Midsomer Parva? We'll get back to the Yard, we need more than this.
OK, Michael, go on.
The shock travelled up his left arm and stopped his heart.
That would account for the expression on his face then? Yes.
And the puncture marks on his back? They're not deep.
They don't go into the spine or anything like that.
And they were inflicted an hour or two after death.
And the missing hair? Your guess is as good as mine on that one.
So, given the time of death, it seems likely that he was electrocuted elsewhere and somebody dumped his body in the crop circle.
What about if he was making the crop circle and he was struck by lightning? (SOFTLY) Judging by his record, Troy, I don't think Mr Stokes was the crop circle kind of person.
Have you any idea what people say about you associating with Lloyd Kirby? It doesn't concern me what people think.
Did you see that policeman chap's face when he started sounding off about flying saucers? Lloyd Kirby may be interested in extraterrestrial forms of life but he has more humanity in his little finger than you have in your entire body.
UFOs and ETs, sir.
How did we get shunted into this siding? A suspicious death, Troy.
And if we want to keep our pensions we'd better find a better reason than that for Ronnie Stokes' demise.
It's been such a pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, to spend time with minds which are still open to the inexplicable.
Thank you.
Please, now do all you can to spread the word about these wondrous phenomena which the established authorities still blindly refuse to recognize.
And thank you for coming.
Thanks, Lloyd.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Bye.
Mr Kirby, could you possibly come down to the station with us? There's one or two things you could help us with, if you'd be so kind.
Moving a body, Mr Kirby, is a very serious offence.
Why are you telling me this? Because I have been wondering if it was you who put the body in the crop circle.
Ah, so you're not accusing me of murder? No, not at the moment.
Do you .
.
you do recognise this? I do.
This is Elmo Brooks of Flagstaff, Arizona.
He was abducted on 16 September 1968 and returned to Earth two days later.
And here we have a more detailed photograph showing a double puncture wound in the lower area of the back.
That's where samples of spinal fluid were taken.
And the shaved neck? It's widely believed among ufologists that tufts of hair are taken so that studies can be made of the DNA.
I believe .
.
I believe it to be suspiciously coincidental that these "classic symptoms", as you call them in your book, should appear on the body in the crop circle.
Well, that's precisely because they are classic symptoms.
Where were you the night before last, Mr Kirby? Did you take a walk in a wheat field by any chance? I'm sorry to disappoint you, I was in Causton.
War Of The Worlds was on at the Roxy.
Somebody can confirm that, can they? Lady Chatwyn.
I went with her.
You ask Beatrice.
Oh, we will, we will.
In the meantime, I suppose that the discovery of this body will work wonders for your business? It already has, I've got a minibus full of enthusiasts due at the centre any minute.
I'm due to give them a lecture on the Midsomer crop circles.
Would you please remember that the crop circle where the body was found is a crime scene and the penalties for disturbing it can be very, very, severe.
I'll not let anyone get too close.
People pay good money for that, do they? Money well spent.
And by the way, I'm giving a talk tonight in the village hall.
Pop in.
You might learn a thing or two.
I don't expect you to take me seriously.
People all over the world have reported extraterrestrial activity, and they're always called cranks or liars.
Sir.
Excuse me.
No.
Would you stay here for a minute, please? There's a man here, sir, says he heard that Lloyd Kirby had been arrested and came to offer bail.
What does he think we've arrested him for? Didn't know, sir.
But he's a bit of a local heavyweight.
Oh? Sir Christian Aubrey.
SIR Christian Aubrey.
Not without friends in high places, is he, our Mr Kirby? Look after our suspect, Troy.
Sir Christian Aubrey? Yes.
How do you do? I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.
How do you do? Shall we go in here? I'm sorry about this, but I have had to do it before.
What, stand bail surety for Lloyd Kirby? He has been arrested, hasn't he? No.
No.
Just brought him in for questioning.
Why, do you think we should have arrested him? Lord, no! He's completely harmless.
Known him a long time, have you? Since he and Beatrice were children - Lady Chatwyn.
And what had he done that you had to stand bail for? He came to Burma, oh, 20 years ago.
I was Consul-General in Rangoon at the time and Lloyd was sentenced to death for smuggling heroin.
God.
It was a trumped-up charge.
Lloyd was an easy target.
We managed to get him off.
Well, he's not been arrested and I do not intend to charge him.
So, I can take him home? Yes, you can.
He's got some customers waiting at his "ufology centre" who should be very grateful.
Good afternoon, Miss Boulter.
How are you? Very well.
How can I help? I wonder if you could arrange a home visit for me? When did you have in mind? Tomorrow, about lunch time.
One o'clock? Thank you, Miss Boulter.
A lecture on what? Crop circles and Unidentified Flying Objects.
I thought we were going out for a romantic meal for our anniversary.
That's not until Friday.
So you have remembered? Yes.
This is work, is it? Well, it could be very entertaining.
What kind of ironing do you call this, you stupid cow? Look at the creases! I said I'd take them to the cleaners.
What's all the shouting for? He's going on about his trousers.
Look at the creases! How am I supposed to wear these now? Why don't you iron them yourself if you're so particular? Stay out of it, Daddy.
You were probably only going to take them off, so why bother? I'll do them again.
No you won't.
What did I marry into? What do you think? It might be cool to do it in the middle of a crop circle.
I don't want to do it where the body was found.
There's another one further down.
Come on, Lynn.
What if the aliens come and take us away? (ALL CHATTER) How come you know her? We used to do pottery together at the Causton Institute.
She's very good, Beatrice.
What's she doing hanging around with Lloyd? They grew up together, I think.
Shh.
Please.
Good evening.
ALL: Good evening, Lloyd.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming here.
Ah, crop circles.
They're nothing new, you know.
Nowadays, people reckon that these are made by hoaxers.
But in many parts of the world, they've long been the focus of serious religious belief.
So this evening, I'm going to show you who makes them and why.
I'll tell you who makes them, Lloyd.
Nutters like you! (ALL MUTTER) Who ruin tons of good wheat every year.
Harry, please.
Ought to be a law against you.
Not much love lost between the Chatwyns, then? DOOR SLAMS Sorry about the interruption, but I notice that Mr Barnaby, who is investigating the death of the man whose body was found in the crop circle, has come along this evening.
Good to see the police are taking a serious interest in what we've all known for years.
May I just say that if anyone here has any information which they think might be useful if, for example, anyone of you was in the vicinity of the crop circle last night I'd be very glad to hear from you.
I'm sure that the extraterrestrials responsible for this tragic event will be in touch with you in due course, Chief Inspector.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE We are not alone in this universe.
ALL: Hear, hear.
And yet, the authorities have an entire department which is set up to rubbish what we say and to vilify anyone who claims a close encounter.
An entire department? CROWD MUTTERS This smacks to me of taking it very seriously indeed.
EERIE MUSIC What do you think? Over there? OK.
(SCREAMS) (SCREAMS AND SOBS) APPLAUSE No-one who has had an extraterrestrial experience is ever the same again.
When they are returned to Earth, their lives are changed forever which effect can quickly be reversed with the aid of a very large scotch.
Hello, Troy, you're just in time.
I was about to push the boat out.
Evening, Mrs Barnaby.
Evening, Gavin.
I get the feeling this is one of those 'Tom can't have another drink moments,' is that it? Afraid so.
Another body's been discovered, sir, in a second crop circle.
Another one? Sorry.
Do you get the feeling somebody's taking the mickey, sir? Bodies don't just fall out of the sky.
All this flying saucers stuff, gotta be some kind of smoke screen.
That Lloyd Kirby must have something to do with it.
Not tonight, he doesn't.
With me in the audience, I'd say his alibi was just about as tight as it can get.
(BREATHES) Oh my God! BRAKES SCREECH No, no.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop! Just let me out.
It's your responsibility, sir.
What shall I tell your wife? Tell her I may be gone some little while.
SCI-FI MUSIC Police.
What's the matter? What about dipping your lights in the face of oncoming traffic? Is that all? (GROANS) Bloody combine harvester.
Drive with a little more consideration please.
Pull over, let him pass.
Yep, this one's burnt as well, sir.
I wonder if he's been electrocuted too? Gonna to turn him over now, sir.
Can you give me a hand, please, sarge? On the count of three, ready? Onetwothree.
Good God.
It's Eddie Field, the burglar from Aspern Tallow.
I thought he was still inside.
No, been out about a month now.
So what's the link between Eddie Field and Ronnie Stokes? Where've you been? I've gotta be back in the surgery in five minutes.
Lucky to get here at all, my little mouse.
There are police crawling all over the big wheat field.
Police? What for? They found another body in a crop circle.
Oh, you're kidding.
Who is it? Police aren't saying, but I've heard it's Eddie Field.
That's why Doc Fleming was in such a mood this morning.
You know the first one was electrocuted? Electrocuted? Cooked inside like a steak and kidney pie.
What about a little nibble for your Uncle Harry? No.
No! You can go hungry.
Oh, please, darling? A touch? Not even a peep.
Oh, by the way, you know we're going to have to find another venue.
Yeah, Steve says he's gonna make this a nice little love-nest for him and Lucy.
He is, yes.
Except he's too busy chasing round after you to do anything about it.
I don't want you seeing - I don't want you seeing Steve any more.
Oh, really? And why's that? I'll see whoever I want to.
And if you complain, I'll just let Beatrice know what we do down here.
I'm not being unreasonable, darling.
They've not been married a month.
Oh, well, it's not my fault if she can't keep him happy.
Oh, come on - Look, I've told you.
You try and stop me seeing who I like and you will be out of that farm so fast you'd think she'd done it with mirrors.
You're right.
He was electrocuted.
What ever happened to good old-fashioned shooting? Maybe this is the new, green way to zap your victims.
No blood, no guts, just fried brains.
What else? He's also got a couple of puncture wounds low down on the spine which don't lead anywhere, and there's a chunk of his hair missing.
So we've got a local petty thief and a London hard man (SCOFFS) .
.
and not much else.
I've found traces of a mineral oil used in engineering and there's silver oxide on his hands.
Now, that is curious.
Why, sir? I've just read in Field's file that three or four years ago he was involved with a small foundry business run by a local man with a bit of form .
.
Dave Ripert.
I still don't see the connection, sir.
Ripert was suspected of melting down stolen bullion.
Never proved.
Butpetty thief? London villain? Dave Ripert? There was a burglary in Badger's Drift last night, sir, at The Beeches.
Had Eddie Field's name written all over it.
Last night? Mm.
Well, you better go and take a look.
You were out clubbing in Causton last night, weren't you? What if I was? Think I enjoy being stuck out in the middle of a field? I'm sick of your parents.
Sick of them hating each other and taking it out on me.
We're supposed to be living in Ivy Cottage.
Why don't you come and help me get it ready? Why don't you ask your father why? He wants it for himself, if you ask me.
Anything to get away from your mother as long as it stops short of divorce.
It doesn't belong to Harry.
It's Mummy's and she wants me to have it.
Get her to do something about it, then.
Instead of hanging around with that nutcase, Lloyd.
God, insanity doesn't run in your family, it gallops.
I hate you.
I wish I'd never married you.
But you did because you like what Stevie does to you, don't you, my sweet little chicken? Bastard.
MUSIC TIPTOES What did they get at The Beeches? TV and video, jewellery, bits of china, some silver, and a couple of paintings.
No sign of Eddie Field getting his fingers burnt in the process? The owner was out at the time.
Wasn't reported till the early hours.
No-one's been in here for over a year, according to the agent.
There you go.
Thank you.
This must be the furnace .
.
where they smelted the aluminium.
Electrically fired, by the look of it.
How about that? It's silver, alright.
I can see the hallmark.
Someone's tried to melt it down.
Got an evidence bag? Check it out in the stolen antiques register.
I wonder if Eddie Field met his maker trying to steal electricity from the national grid? Cheese and something or other.
Can't quite make it out.
Use by the 10th.
That was two days ago.
Well, the place has certainly had visitors and I'd say they were a bit bigger than kids.
Get Forensic to check that.
So the cause of death was probably the same for Eddie Field as for Ronnie Stokes.
And they were both discovered in the same circumstances.
But if Eddie Field died here, who took his body and dumped it in the crop circle? Same person who put Ronnie Stokes there, sir? Link's not quite there, is it? Hmmm.
Go and see what Mr Ripert has to say about all this.
Are you Dave Ripert? Well, that depends.
Detective Sergeant Troy.
Mind if I come in, Mr Ripert? Yes, I do.
What do you want? I'd like to know where you were last night between eight and midnight.
Last night? That's easy.
I was drinking with my brother in Oxford.
I crashed out at his place.
Bit over the limit.
I'm sure even coppers know what that's like.
Got back this morning.
And your brother can confirm this? Sure, Tony never lies.
I understand you used to own the foundry at Midsomer Parva.
Been back there recently? No, it don't belong to me anymore.
I went under.
Nothing left there for me, mate.
Did you know a man called Ronnie Stokes? No.
I wonder what I'd find if I were to come inside, Mr Ripert? Well, without a search warrant you'd find a heavy-duty lawyer.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just get back to treating my hangover.
Close shave? You can say that again.
CAR ENGINE REVS You know something, Sal? I think we should hide this stuff at your place.
Just to be on the safe side.
If you want information about Lloyd Kirby, take the weight off your feet.
(CHUCKLES) I understand you grew up together? I like your wife.
A sensible woman, not a gossip, I thought.
But then, married to a detective - I'm investigating not one, but two suspicious deaths.
And any information which might throw some light - Lloyd's mother was housekeeper here.
His father was the farm foreman.
We were born on the same day.
You're obviously still very close.
Like everyone else, you're wondering why I spend time with a man that many regard as a crank? Yeah.
Well, at least you're honest about it.
We were playmates, we were childhood sweethearts.
But then, inconveniently, we fell in love.
How was that inconvenient? My parents were self-made.
They moved here to acquire class.
My father was determined I should marry gentry, so he threatened Lloyd's parents with dismissal unless they agreed to send Lloyd to Australia.
A remittance man? Yes, in the second half of the 20th century.
It was cruel, unforgivable.
And Sir Harry was your end of the bargain.
Yes.
No money, but a title.
And all the bad habits to go with it.
I gave birth to Lucy and there the marriage ended in all but appearance.
And when Lloyd came back? Oh, all that was over.
But we do have friendship.
Even love of a kind.
That was pretty special.
(LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGH) HEARTBEAT POUNDS Gotta go.
Tomorrow.
Why are we going this way? We get closer to the crop circle this way than from the road.
Now try and keep up.
Crop circles have been known .
.
since, er .
.
as far back as 1670.
Stay back.
MUSIC TRILLS MUFFLED: Go.
Go, go.
Afternoon, Sir Harry, what can I do for you today? I'd like to arrange a home visit, please.
Oh, yes.
Ivy Cottage, isn't it? Well, I'm afraid it's going to have to be tomorrow afternoon.
Four o'clock suit you? Nothing before then? 'Afraid not.
Are you sure? Quite sure.
Well, I'll settle for that, then.
This is getting serious.
Why do you say that, Lloyd? Because Steve was electrocuted, that's why.
This has nothing whatever to do with extraterrestrial forms of life.
I agree with you, Lloyd.
This is murder.
Sir? Yeah? There was a phone call last night to the nick.
From one of the old dears at the post office.
Oh, yes? She reported seeing Dave Ripert unloading boxes at the health centre.
And she didn't think they were medical supplies? They were going into the flat upstairs.
The receptionist lives there, a girl named Sally Boulter.
A bit of a goer by all accounts.
Drives a VW, black, which was parked outside Ripert's when he refused to let me in.
Could the goer, as you call her, have been actually going at the time? Well, yes, but the boxes, sir.
When I went back with a warrant, Ripert's place was clean.
And naturally you want to pay Sally Boulter a visit? Well, might be worth a word, sir.
By all means, Troy.
I'm sure you'll give me a full report.
Thanks, sir.
(GROANS) Is that Steven Ramsey, your son-in-law, sir? (DISTANTLY) You really think he was murdered, Barnaby? Put it this way, I don't think his killer came from outer space.
It isn't him, is it? Tell me it's not Steve.
I'm afraid it is, darling.
Oh, God.
No.
(SOBS) I wish we could make this easier, but we can't.
Everything electrical has blown.
The bulbs, the fuses.
The wiring loom's been welded together.
Whatever it was, it was a bit more powerful than a domestic supply.
What about other vehicle tracks where the pick-up was found? Harry Chatwyn's Landrover, combine harvester, horses' hoof prints.
As he says, they use that track all the time.
Over here.
Take a look at this.
Is that from Lloyd Kirby's place? Where else, Troy? He's got this up on the wall of his shop.
Exactly.
Now these photographs were taken, supposedly, in Idaho in 1970.
And this man was electrocuted in a manner very similar to our Steve Ramsey.
Now, there was no satisfactory explanation, apparently, so the flying saucer freaks have always put it down to extraterrestrial interference.
But I'm wondering if someone closer to home may have been influenced by these pictures.
BELL RINGS Ah, Mr Barnaby.
Good morning, Miss Alice.
Are you getting to the bottom of all this? We've never been in such a pickle in Midsomer Parva.
Would you mind if I asked you a few questions? Not at all.
I'll just lock the door.
With nobody writing letters anymore, what else are post offices for? Poor Steve.
And not married a month yet.
Big occasion, was it, the wedding? It was a village occasion.
Well-liked, was he, Steve? By the girls, he was.
Yeah, I'd heard he had a roving eye.
He did for Sally Boulter, anyway.
Yes, by the way, thanks for the tip-off about Dave Ripert's visit.
And that's not all, either.
Oh? Well, I don't think we should tell you about this.
Why not? She's also sweet with Sir Harry.
What on earth is happening in our quiet little backwater, Christian? Poor Lloyd's alien chums littering our cornfields with corpses.
Do you suppose he's safe himself? I'm not sure that he is, to tell you the truth.
He's stuck his neck out on all this.
I wouldn't be all that surprised if someone put it in a noose.
Oh, good God, darling.
The poor boy doesn't deserve that.
Anyway, I shall be most upset if I pop off before they get to the bottom of it all.
Though, where I'm going .
.
perhaps all will be revealed? How wonderfully lucky I've been .
.
to have had a lifetime in love.
Take me home, please, Christian.
Just one more time? Miss Boulter? Yes? Detective Sergeant Troy, Causton CID.
Well, Gavin, I'm just off to the meeting.
Good.
So am I.
Perhaps I could ask you some questions? Yeah.
I believe you're a friend of Dave Ripert's? Oh, well, yeah, not a friend, really.
Dave's been helping me move stuff out of my Gran's place.
I've been clearing out the house since she died.
Ah.
She left me some lovely old things.
Perhaps you'd like to come and see them when I get it straightened out? Yeah, yes, I would.
I betterbut see you later? Welcome, everyone.
Welcome, welcome, thank you and thank you for coming.
I know that you're all perturbed, as I am, by these unfortunate events in our village.
For myself, I'm sure that these dreadful deaths will turn out to be not the work of any alien hand but of man himself, guided by the Prince of Darkness and I would like to - I'd like to say something if I may? I think we all know what you think about this, Lloyd.
ALL: Let him speak! Let him speak! I disagree with the vicar.
I believe that the first of these terrible deaths was an unfortunate accident ALL: Sit down! Sit down! .
.
a casualty of scientific research into our human Rubbish! Oh, let him finish, will you? .
.
into our human nature, by extraterrestrial intelligence of quite awesome power.
Can't someone shut the fool up? APPLAUSE But as for the subsequent two deaths, I agree with the police.
They had nothing whatever to do with - Absolute tosh, Lloyd! The only person around here to see any one of these so-called flying saucers is you.
CROWD CHAT AND ARGUE Perhaps you'd like to make a comment, Mr Barnaby? Yes, please.
What we do know, what we can be sure of, is that all three victims were electrocuted.
The circumstances in which the first two men came to die - accident or design - is yet unknown.
But the third man, the unfortunate Steven Ramsey, whose widow is understandably not here with us this afternoon, he was murdered.
Of that there can be no doubt but please let me reassure you that the person or persons responsible will be brought to justice.
My faith and belief lies with God and I will quote to you St Matthew, chapter 8, verse 26.
"And he saith unto them, 'Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith?'" But what about the second book of Kings CROWD AGREES .
.
chapter 2, verse 11? "And it came to pass there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder" Stay here.
".
.
and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.
" AUDIENCE PROTESTS Now if that's not a flying saucer, Vicar, what is? SCATTERED APPLAUSE Sir Harry, can I have a word please? Certainly.
What about The Black Horse? Oh, no.
I'd rather not, if you don't mind.
Just wanted to ask your opinion of your late son-in-law, Steve Ramsey? You were opposed to the marriage, yes? Implacably.
I was, as ever, overruled.
And I believe you objected to his relationship with Miss Boulter? You're damned right I did.
What would you have done if it had been your own daughter? Just one more question, please, Sir Harry.
The electricity substation between your two big wheat fields? Do you hold a key to it? Nothing to do with me, dear chap.
Property of the electricity supply company.
I'm damned if I can remember their name.
You know, Christian, there is one piece of unfinished business I'd dearly love to settle.
I know exactly what you're going to say.
I can't bear to think of Peter all that way up in Ross with his heart poisoned by feelings of revenge.
He's got the produce and the profits of the finest distillery in Scotland to comfort him.
I know you've protected us through the years, but .
.
but if I were to offer him forgiveness now, if I were to ask him, do you think he'd come and see me? Oh, come on, Sally.
What's the matter? Oh, I'm not in the mood.
I don't want to do it, not today.
So, Steve and Lucy won't be needing this place after all.
Sadly, no.
You do it, didn't you? Did what? Killed Steve.
God, you hated him.
You were jealous of him doing it with me and you certainly didn't want him marrying Lucy.
One of those things might be true, dear heart.
The story is he was struck by lightening.
Oh, yeah.
Believe that and you'll believe he was abducted by aliens.
By the way, would you let me keep some stuff my grandmother gave me in here? What sort of stuff? Pots and pans, bits and pieces.
It's just till I get a bigger place.
Of course.
Want me to come and pick them up with the Landrover? Now, I'll stick them in the back of the car.
Come here, Uncle Harry.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) The wheat in the circles was burnt by butane gas, comes in cylinders for gas blowtorches.
You can get it at any DIY store.
Oh.
Not some derivative of kryptonite from the planet Zog, then? No.
Just your bog-standard butane.
Isn't it time we had another chat with Lloyd Kirby then, sir? Yes, indeed it is.
But first, Sir Christian Aubrey.
Ah! Mr Barnaby, come in.
Sir.
Sergeant Troy.
Sir.
Come and meet my wife.
Darling, Chief Inspector Barnaby and Sergeant Troy.
My wife, Isabel.
Lady Isabel.
I won't shake hands, but please do sit down.
Thank you.
Tea, gentlemen? Eryes, please.
Sergeant? Please.
Are you investigating these mysterious deaths? Indeed we are, Lady Isabel.
I'd heard, wrongly as it turned out, that Lloyd had been arrested, so I came to bail him out.
Lloyd? What on Earth would you arrest Lloyd for? Didn't you have an idea he might've put the body in the crop circle to drum up business for his Ufology Centre? Yes, we had thought that.
He's one of nature's eccentrics, Mr Barnaby.
He has a disarming innocence about him.
He's had it ever since childhood.
And in spite of what's happened, it's still there.
Lloyd will die as innocent as the day he was born.
So what do you think happened in the wheat field then, sir? I believe that someone took advantage of the situation and poor Lloyd swallowed it, hook, line and saucer.
(CHUCKLES) What's your opinions of Lloyd's beliefs, Lady Isabel? All men are credulous animals.
We must all believe in something.
Can I show you something? Lloyd made that on death row in a Rangoon jail with nothing but flour, water and papier mache.
Ha.
Is that the Wimshurst machine? Yes, indeed.
God, we used to have fun with that at school.
May Ihave a go? Yes, indeed.
Thank you.
Look! Look at that, Troy.
Look.
Hey, hey.
All these belonged to my father.
He was a science teacher.
Haven't seen one of those in ages.
Christian? Yes, my dear.
I have to take Isabel back to the hospice.
Sir Christian, you've been most generous with your time.
And so has Lady Isabel.
That's Lloyd all over.
Not exactly the tidiest person when it comes to leaving his tools around.
Sir Christian, I'm very sorry about your wife.
Thank you.
Did you see the gas-powered blowlamp, sir? I was more interested in the Wimshurst machine.
Dead impressive spark.
You come from the comprehensive generation, Troy, whose education was not so thorough as it should have been.
I opted out of science.
Couldn't stand the smells and none of the experiments worked.
When I was at grammar school, Mr Carter used to make artificial lightning with one of those.
Should we have a poke around in there? Yeah, that would be to our advantage.
With or without a warrant? Oh, I think Sir Christian's got enough on his plate without bothering with warrants.
Let's come back another day, when the coast is clear.
Look at her.
This is your doing, Harry.
I know it is.
Don't talk rubbish.
You've said not a single word of regret.
Not one.
Please, Mummy.
Not now.
You don't arrest dogs without learning a few tricks.
Shhhh.
Better keep that open.
Bloody hell.
What's the matter? ALARM SOUNDS FAINTLY The handle's live.
Don't touch it, Sir.
Try that one.
The whole place must be wired.
Careful, sir.
It's got a rubber handle.
ALARM BEEPS SOFTLY Could that kill a man? Yes, it could Troy.
Especially if he's got a weak heart.
We're trapped.
Use your mobile, get onto the station.
Tell them to send a man up here with rubber gloves.
There's no signal.
Just static.
I'll have to try the landline.
No, no ,no.
Wait - hang on, hang on.
How long do you think it'll be before he's back? I've got no idea, but I've got a feeling it'll be worth waiting for.
You look worried, my love.
Lloyd called to say Goodbye? It's a bin man.
Hey.
Hey, you.
BOTH YELL: Mate, hello! Police, help! Over here.
Please help.
Bin man, bin man.
Please help.
Are you deaf, man? Hey, we're trapped, over here.
Oi, help.
Help.
(SIGHS) Oh, for God's sake.
ALERT SOUNDS Well, well.
Did you come back for another few turns of the Wimshurst machine? We are investigating a series of murders, Sir Christian.
And no doubt you have a search warrant in your pocket, do you? It's alright, gentlemen.
You can get up now.
I've switched everything off.
That's a lethal security system you have here, Sir Christian.
Thing like that could kill a man.
It's kept intruders out of my home for years.
But not all of them, eh? You're right.
I've kept all them out but one.
Would you like to come with me to Causton to talk about it? Not really.
But as I no longer have any choice in the matter, I'd better say yes.
Shall we go, gentlemen? Better leave that turned off.
We don't want any more mishaps, do we? If you say so.
OMINOUS MUSIC I don't like seeing you like this, Lloyd.
I'm convinced that Harry murdered Steve.
Will they put him away? I hope so.
I do hope so.
I'm going to tell you something, and I want you to promise me that you'll never repeat it to a living soul.
I promise.
You know the body of that Ronnie Stokes? The first one they found in the crop circle? Yes? I made the circle.
I thought you might have done.
And I put him in it.
After we got back from the Roxy that night, I made the circle with board and string, I put the body in it, I clipped his hair and I put the holes in his back.
But he was a criminal, wasn't he? How on Earth did you get mixed up with him? Well, he died at someone else's house.
He wasn't murdered.
Anyway, I agreed to get rid of the body.
And I'm so sorry I deceived you.
But why, Lloyd? Why on Earth would you do a thing like that? (GROANS) I just wanted people to take extraterrestrial visitation more seriously.
And look what I've unleashed.
What are we going to do? Why don't you go back to the cottage and wait for me there? GENTLE MUSIC MUSIC SOURS Hello, Lloyd.
What a surprise.
METAL CLANKS Sally? I thought this place wasempty.
What are you doing with all this stuff? It's, ah, treasure, Lloyd, and it's all mine.
Where'd you get it from? Well, that's for me to know and you not to find out.
But it didn't come from Mars.
You've stolen it, haven't you? Let's sayI inherited it.
What are you doing here? Me? I'm your favourite alien, come to abduct you.
Is he dead? I came home from the hospice after visiting Isabel to find him lying on the floor.
He'd been dead for a couple of hours.
You see, this man - Oh, what was his name? Ronnie Stokes.
He'd been sent to kill me.
Why would anyone want to kill you? It wasn't the first time.
In the early days there were maybe half a dozen attempts on my life.
Latterly, we'd begun to relax.
Did any of them suffer the same fate as Stokes? Oh, no, of course not.
The idea was that anyone coming to Midsomer Parva with malicious intent was to get the shock of his life, if you'll excuse the pun.
Sadly, he was killed instead.
And who sent these people to try to kill you, Sir Christian? I'm afraid that starts 40 years ago.
You see when I was a student at Oxford, I fell in love with Isabel, but my great friend, Peter Rhodes, the Marquis of Ross, was also in love with her.
I know, we'll decide it with a duel.
You're crazy! You're crazy, the both of you.
But Peter was so incensed at having lost that he vowed to kill me.
So he sits up in the family distillery in Scotland with nothing better to do than plot revenge.
And these men he sent? Usually the local police took care of them.
I had them deported quietly.
The other day was a mistake.
A big mistake.
Could I bring you back to Lloyd, please, Sir Christian? You see, I mean, with respect, I can't believe you would be able to lift a 13-stone man on your own.
Yes, alright.
Lloyd took him out to the wheat field.
And the puncture marks and the funny haircut? I'm sure they didn't fool you for a minute, did they? Sir.
Excuse me.
Mr Barnaby, Isabel is dying.
May I sign a statement and be taken to her? Sir? Yes.
Pretty urgent.
Excuse me.
It's Lloyd Kirby, sir.
He's been found dead in a crop circle.
Yet another body on Sir Harry Chatwyn's land.
There's no missing hair.
And no puncture marks.
It's not like the others, Barnaby.
The nose is broken and the neck, too, which is no doubt what killed him.
I'm looking for Sir Christian Aubrey.
Brook House.
Can you help? Come on, boy.
Good boy.
Come on, boy.
Here - in you get.
Good boy.
Sir Harry.
We'd like a word with you .
.
about a murder.
I hated him and I loved her.
I couldn't let it go on any longer.
Was it because he was having an affair with your wife? My wife? No, he was having an affair with that doctor's receptionist, Sally Boulter.
So why did you kill Lloyd Kirby? Lloyd Kirby? I didn't say anything about killing Lloyd Kirby.
He's a lunatic.
Is he dead? I'm afraid so.
And I believe you killed Steven Ramsey.
Nownow hang on.
(GROANS) Would you mind telling us how it happened? EERIE MUSIC ELECTRICAL BUZZING Sir Harry Chatwyn, I'm arresting you for the murder of Steven Ramsey.
You don't have to say anything - Daddy, what's going on? He's been arrested for the murder of your husband.
No! There must be some mistake! He's my father.
He wouldn't do that, would you, Daddy? I couldn't bear him treating you as he did.
But I didn't care! He was no good, Lucy.
I hope you rot in hell! I probably will.
But I didn't kill Lloyd.
Lloyd? What are you talking about? I'm afraid it's true, Lady Chatwyn.
Lloyd Kirby was found dead in a crop circle.
No! Not Lloyd! (SLAMS DOOR) ELECTRICAL BUZZING BEEPING SOUND (GASPS) Ooh.
BEEPING (MEN GRUNT) SWORD SLASHES (YELLS IN PAIN) CAR PULLS UP CAR ENGINE STOPS I've got a couple of ferry tickets for Holland tonight.
I've done a deal for the silver with a guy in Amsterdam.
When do we go? Boat's at two.
We'll need to pack the stuff up beforehand.
Pick you up at nine? OK.
He had that car at Oxford, you know.
BEEPING Why did you turn it back on, sir? BEEPING STOPS I know my enemy.
Hello, Christian.
God, I wouldn't have recognised you.
Life takes its toll.
Not even my scotch, Christian.
Where's your loyalty? I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby.
This is Detective Sergeant Troy.
Peter Rhodes.
Care to join me? Not while I'm on duty, thank you.
Am I right in assuming that you sent a Ronald Stokes to try and kill Sir Christian? What happened to him? Well, unlike you, he didn't survive Sir Christian's electrical defences.
Good old Christian.
Always one step ahead.
But you do look as though you could do with a large one of these.
GLASSES CLINK You do realise that you'll be charged with conspiracy to murder, don't you? It should never have happened.
None of this.
I should have let it go all those years ago, but I couldn't.
I was too proud.
Too jealous.
Jamais vaincu, never defeated.
That's the family motto, you know.
Isabel's been asking for you.
She wants us to be friends.
Before she dies.
May we have a few moments in private? Yes, of course.
Isabel.
It's Peter.
I've come to ask you to forgive me.
I'm truly sorry for everything I've done.
Goodbye, Isabel.
Sir Christian, I don't want to intrude on your grief, but will you answer me one last question please? If I can.
Did you kill Lloyd to shut him up? I've never killed anyone in my life.
Thank you.
Lloyd seemed very unhappy about something .
.
and he wanted to go away for a few days.
What had upset him? What about the events of the past few days? Wouldn't they be enough? Where did he go, Lady Chatwyn? He said regardless of what happened, I wasn't to tell a living soul.
In the circumstances don't you think that's a bit academic? I gave him my word.
You said that he was brought up here, on the farm, and that his father was the farm manager.
Where did they live? It was our secret place.
It was where we were happiest as children.
POP MUSIC Two more and we're done.
Alright, alright.
Oh, God, I didn't realise there was so much.
Oh, turn it up.
MUSIC GETS LOUDER (BOTH GIGGLE) I'll put the lights out.
You're thinking of opening an antique shop, are you Mr Ripert? CAR STARTS UP You alright? The girl.
ROCK MUSIC PUMPS POP MUSIC MUSIC SKIPS Jesus! For as much as it hath pleased almighty God, in his wise providence to take out of this world the soul of our deceased brother, Lloyd, we therefore commit his body to the ground.
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, looking for the general resurrection in the last day of life of the world to come.
Amen.
ALL: Amen.
Here look - the Mekon.
Now that was a real alien to me when I was a kid.
Every night before I turned out the light I used to look under the bed to see if he was there to capture me and carry me off to God knows what galaxy on the other side of the universe.
What're you going to do with these? Well, I saved them for Cully but it's boys' stuff.
I think I'll just bin the lot.
Oh, no, you don't.
These will fetch a fortune at Causton Charity Shop.
UFOs are all the rage around here, or didn't you know? Closed Captions by CSI