Miss Scarlet and The Duke (2020) s04e03 Episode Script
Origins
1
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(THEME MUSIC)
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
Sorry I'm late today.
There's a new ward sister and
she wouldn't let me in at first.
I put my mother's ring
on my wedding finger
and told her you were
my husband. (LAUGHS)
She seemed a little disappointed
that you were perhaps taken.
I think you've made quite a
stir amongst the nurses, William.
(SIGHS)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Everyone has a different
opinion of my visits with you.
Ivy believes I should
just sit and talk to you
as if nothing's happened.
Detective Fitzroy suggested
reading aloud from a Russian novel,
the title of which I cannot pronounce.
I suppose it might
provoke you into sitting up
and begging me to stop! (CHUCKLES)
And Mr. Potts
Well, Mr. Potts was
surprisingly thoughtful.
He advised that as you are a man
who despises a lot of chatter
that I should merely sit with you.
That would be company enough.
Please wake up.
William
Wake up (TEARFUL)
(LOUDLY) Wake up!
Wake up!
WOMAN: Wake up!
I said wake up!
Get out of 'ere! Shoo!
- (BROOM BASHING)
- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
Get out of here! Go on! Bugger off!
(GROANS)
Bugger off.
- Bugger off!
- Alright, alright! I'm going!
(STREET CHATTER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
What can I get you, huh?
I was just wondering if you
needed some help running the stall?
- No.
- I'm a hard worker.
I'll work for free for today
so you can see how good I am.
I said, no.
Please.
I haven't eaten in two days.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Yes, darling?
- WOMAN: Loaf of bread, please.
- Yes, of course.
- (SNATCHES)
- (HIGH TEMPO MUSIC)
STALL KEEPER: Hey! Hey! Hey!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Dear God.
(RESIGNED SIGH)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(VOMITING)
- (RETCHING)
- (CHURCH BELL RINGING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (PUNCHING)
- MAN: Urgh!
(HIGH TEMPO MUSIC)
Argh!
Argh!
Argh! Argh!
(MEN STRUGGLING)
(MAN GROANING) (GASPING)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
- (LIGHT MUSIC)
- MAN: Morning.
- WOMAN: Morning.
- Morning.
What on earth?
Lizzie. What are you doing home?
(KNIFE CHOPPING)
You've been expelled!
No! Well, not exactly.
I was told to leave the
premises with immediate effect.
How is that not being expelled?
It's not a school, Ivy.
It's a training college.
You're not expelled from a
college, you get sent down.
Oh, pardon my ignorance. I've lost track
of how many places you've
been sent down from.
It's not my fault.
I don't want to be a governess,
or a schoolmistress,
or any of those things.
And I was planning
to come back anyway.
I got Father's letter about Skip.
Oh, so your father's dog dies
and that just happens to coincide
- with you being expelled.
- It's not his dog.
It's the family dog
who I very much loved.
That is not the point, and you know it!
You're sixteen years old, Lizzie!
It's time you grew up!
(PIGEONS COOING) (BIRDS CHIRPING)
Well, if I wanted to get shouted at,
I would've stayed at college.
(KNIFE HITS TABLE)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
And I really did love that dog.
(SOFT MUSIC)
(TUTS)
What are we going to do with you?
(SIGHS)
God only knows what your
father's going to say.
(HOOVES CLOPPING DISTANTLY)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Ah! Is the photographer on his way?
Yes, Inspector Scarlet.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
I know this man. We
used to work together.
His name's, umm
Wallis.
Arthur Wallis.
Doesn't seem like a robbery, though.
Who was it that found him?
Good afternoon.
I've been here hours. What's going on?
You were asked to give a statement
to the Chief Investigating
Officer. That would be me.
My name's Detective Inspector
Henry Scarlet. And you are?
I've already given a statement.
I was walking past, I saw
a body, I went and got help.
- Can I go now?
- Your name, please?
- William Wellington.
- Wellington.
As in the Duke?
Who?
What are they teaching
you in school these days?
You'd better not be thinking
of fitting me up for this.
I've heard about London bobbies.
No one is accusing you of anything.
I mean, very few murderers would bring
- the police to a crime scene.
- I'm missing work.
I've got a job on a pie stall. I'll
lose it if I don't get back there.
You either answer my questions here,
or down at Scotland Yard.
- Your choice.
- (SHOUTING) Get out my way!
- (PRISON DOOR CLANGS SHUT)
- You can't leave me in here!
I'm going to the city mortuary.
When I get back, bring him to my office.
Yes, sir.
(BANGING ON CELL DOOR) Argh!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HOOVES CLOPPING OUTSIDE)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Lizzie? There's someone here to see you.
- Well, who is it?
- Mrs. Parker and her son.
- No, no, no. Tell them I'm I'm I'm
- Oh!
You were correct, Rupert!
Miss Scarlet has returned.
IVY: I'll leave you to it.
Thank you so much, Ivy.
Mrs. Parker.
Mr. Parker. To what do I owe
this unexpected pleasure?
Rupert was taking his morning
stroll in Regent's Park,
when he came across your
neighbor, Dr. Williams.
The good doctor mentioned
that he had seen you returning
home, suitcase in hand.
Rupert relayed this to me,
(LAUGHS) and I said
this cannot be correct.
Miss Scarlet is in Wimbledon,
training to be a governess.
Term has finished and I have
returned home for the holidays.
The academic term does not
end for another three weeks.
I trust nothing untoward has occurred?
Well, my classmates and I
were making such good progress,
we were permitted to finish early.
I would remind you, Miss Scarlet,
that yourself and your
father are my tenants,
and a stain on your
reputation is a stain on mine.
Mrs. Parker,
your reputation is always
at the forefront of my mind.
I'm glad to hear it.
And now we shall take refreshments.
I shall take tea. Rupert will not.
- (SILENTLY) Oh
- (PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(HOOVES CLOPPING DISTANTLY)
HENRY: Your statement
makes little sense.
Alright, let's try this one again.
So, you say you were walking
past when you saw the body
- and you went to get help?
- Yes.
Where were you walking to, exactly,
given that it's a dead end?
Hmm?
See, my guess is you were
sleeping in the alleyway.
Those aren't my things.
(PAPER RUSTLES)
Document of discharge from
a workhouse in Glasgow.
In the name William James Wellington.
That's you.
How long have you been
living out on the streets?
It's a while, by the look of you.
I imagine you're hungry.
I know what you're trying to do,
be nice to me so I'll talk.
Yes.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So, are you hungry or not?
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(DOOR CLICKS OPEN)
(SIGHS)
Now, if you go downstairs
and wait in the kitchen,
I'll have my housekeeper
make you some supper.
(SOFTLY) Go on.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Lizzie?
What are you doing here?
YOUNG ELIZA: Father, please calm down.
HENRY: Do not tell me to calm down!
God, you would try the
patience of a saint!
Well, I did not ask to
be sent to that place!
You have no idea what it's like.
HENRY: You're not a
child anymore, Lizzie.
You must start behaving like
a respectable young woman!
And most girls your age would
have been married off by now!
This was the solution to our compromise.
Your compromise, not mine.
You know what path I wish to follow.
I cannot have this conversation again.
Lizzie, give us a moment to talk, hmm?
We have a guest downstairs.
Go and make him something
to eat. I'll be down shortly.
Make him something to eat?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You have been attending
cookery classes, have you not?
Umm Sometimes, yes.
There's a smoked ham on top of the oven.
Give him a slice of that.
Good evening. My name is Miss Scarlet
I believe you are
an associate of my father's.
He said there'd be food.
Err, yes. I cooked a
smoked ham this afternoon.
I'll cut you a slice.
So, how do you know my father?
Do you work for the police?
- You got any bread?
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I'm not sure.
I shall take a look at
what else I made today.
(TRAY SLIDES ACROSS THE TABLE)
You could stop a bullet with that.
Er, you are Scottish?
Whereabouts are you from?
Do you always ask this many questions?
I'll see if we have bread.
I heard shouting just now.
He was yelling at you,
wasn't he, your pa?
What did you do?
Why do you assume it was my fault?
I'm right, aren't I?
What did you do?
Do you always ask this many questions?
I'll have some water.
Sink's just there.
- I'm a guest in this house.
- Oh.
Well, then perhaps you might
show some basic courtesy.
We'll start with please and thank you,
then move on to eating like a gentleman
and not a pig in a trough.
(CUTLERY CLANGS)
It's my fault she lost her way.
I indulged her after her mother died.
That girl was born headstrong.
Nothing you could've done
would've changed that.
(CLOCK TICKING QUIETLY)
I encouraged her to be
interested in my work.
Did her a disservice.
Gave her ambitions
she can never fulfill.
But right now I
must speak to our guest.
I fear I have a long night ahead of me.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Did you give him something to eat?
I tried to but he walked out.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
- It wasn't my fault.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (CHURCH BELL RINGS)
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
IVY: That bad, is it?
What?
You only do chores when
you're feeling guilty.
(BASKET BANGS)
Where's Father?
He's been out all night
looking for that young man.
Came back early for a change
of clothes and some breakfast,
then went out again.
And did you speak to him?
(BIRDS TWITTERING OUTSIDE)
Sit down, Lizzie.
(BASKET BANGS)
Things are hard for him at the moment.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)
The money that your mother
left, it's running out
and this house is expensive to keep.
He's a proud man and he'd
never admit it, but
these things weigh
heavily on his shoulders.
So
if you want to help him,
just do as he asks.
And that might mean doing some things
that you don't want to do.
Well, what kind of things?
(LOUD, URGENT KNOCKING)
Oh We're not expecting
any visitors are we?
(LIGHT MUSIC)
Some time ago,
after your mother's passing,
I spoke to your father
and offered to take you under my wing,
to give you the kind of education
a young lady ought to be receiving.
- He declined initially.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)
But I have received a note from him,
saying he wishes to take
me up on my kind offer.
(STREET CHATTER)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
- (BUMPING SOUND)
- Excuse me.
Sorry.
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
(CARRIAGE RUMBLES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH SLOWLY)
I'll take that, thank you.
(WALLET SLAPS)
How did you find me?
Oh, everybody thinks themselves unique.
But we all have patterns of
behavior that can be predicted.
Take you, for example.
You're from Glasgow,
so, your train would have
arrived at King's Cross Station.
Now, I suspect that you stayed
in the area looking for work,
but were unsuccessful.
Hence why you're now
sleeping on the streets.
So, to rectify the situation,
you turned to low level theft.
Now, there are five streets
in the King's Cross area
where pick-pocketing is rife.
This is the third one I tried.
What do you want from me?
Tell me what you saw in the alley.
- What's in it for me?
- Well
from what I can tell, you're
an intelligent young man.
Help me and I will help
you in whatever way I can.
I mean, you didn't
travel four hundred miles
just to be a pickpocket.
You saw the murder
take place, didn't you?
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Yeah. Okay, come on.
We shall be hosting the ladies
of the Kensington Benevolent Fund
They have raised thousands of pounds
for the poor and needy of London.
Err, no, no, no!
The Wedgwood china, think, girl.
- Sorry, ma'am.
- When the guests arrive,
you will be polite and deferential.
When speaking, do so with clear diction.
Stay away from contentious topics,
and talk instead of your
hobbies and interests.
You do have hobbies and interests?
- Well, I love to read my father's books.
- Marvelous.
In particular, the ones
on forensic pathology.
There's this one chapter I
must have read twenty times
about the livor mortis.
The post mortem settling of the blood
in the veins and arteries
that can often indicate
whether a body has been
moved after a murder.
Fetch the doilies for the cake stand.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
A good servant,
like a good child,
must be seen, but not heard.
But have no doubt
that when they are alone,
they talk of the things we
have said in their presence.
Therefore, it is imperative
that we say nothing odd or peculiar
that could undermine our
position as their superiors.
But, I only said
- Some day, you will be married
- (CHURCH BELL RINGS)
and your husband must feel confident
in your ability to run a household.
Speaking of marriage
Rupert rarely has an interest
in any young ladies, but
he is continually asking
questions about you.
I believe he finds
you quite fascinating.
- Mrs. Parker
- Your father is a man of limited means.
Rupert is the heir to my fortune.
I believe it would be
a beneficial arrangement
for both our families.
Now take a seat, and we
shall look at your posture.
Sometimes being back at a crime scene
can help trigger memories
we didn't know we had.
So you said you were sat down.
Er, I-I was asleep behind those barrels.
Mm-hmm, but something woke you up?
I heard footsteps.
Someone running. Two people running.
One was your friend, Mr. Wallis.
The other was younger.
Like twenty, twenty-one.
Something like that.
Good, good. Go on.
The younger man threw Mr.
Wallis up against that wall,
which is when he
started to strangle him.
Then he threw him to the ground.
Well, now, can you
describe the attacker?
Fair hair.
- Err, tall, perhaps six feet.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Mm-hmm.
- And rich looking.
Fancy clothes.
What else?
YOUNG DUKE: As he was strangling him,
he knelt down and whispered something.
(MURDERER WHISPERS)
It was as if
As if he knew him.
Hmm.
It really was the
most wonderful evening.
The food was prepared by
Marcel Laurent himself,
the chef de cuisine
at the Brabham Hotel.
Lady Harper Jones is
the jewel in the crown
- of our social circle.
- (LADY HARPER JONES LAUGHS)
Oh, but I fear I have
been talking too long.
Let us learn more
about our Miss Scarlet.
- (PLAYFUL MUSIC)
- Tell me about yourself, my dear.
Miss Scarlet has a number of interests,
including embroidery and watercolors.
Well, it is reassuring
to meet a young lady with
such wholesome interests.
You must join us this
evening at Bornborough Hall.
I'm holding a soirée for
my daughter's birthday.
Rupert is going. I'm sure he
would be delighted to escort you.
- That is most kind, but it is
- A splendid idea.
I confess, Miss Scarlet has quite piqued
my Rupert's interest. (TITTERING)
Well, I will, of course,
have to ask my father.
Your father has put his faith in me
to look after your best interests.
Rupert will pick you up at eight.
- Marvelous.
- Marvelous.
Marvelous.
(PAGES TURNING)
- It wasn't any of these.
- (BOOK SNAPS CLOSED)
I may cast the net a little wider,
get you to look at a
few more, but not today.
Give your eyes a rest.
How long have you been a copper?
I signed up on
November 10th, 1848, so that's
twenty three
Oh, God, no.
Twenty four years ago.
Tempus fugit.
What?
Time flies.
I joined the same week as
Arthur, our murder victim.
- You were friends?
- Hmm, you know, for a while.
I just don't think this
place was really for him.
He left to become a private detective.
(SIGHS WITH DISCOMFORT)
Where did you sleep last night?
I don't know, some doorway.
There's a spare room at my house.
You can have a bed for a few nights.
Why would you do that?
Well, I need you where I can find you.
But if you are going to stay,
you're gonna have to clean
yourself up a bit. I mean,
(LAUGHS) my housekeeper's
gonna have a fit
- if you lay in her sheets like that.
- (EMBARRASSED LAUGH)
There's a public wash house
on Hanover Square, so
wash your clothes, have
a shave, take a bath.
I assume they're your only clothes?
Well, to tell the truth,
- they're not even mine.
- Right, well,
- there's a thrift shop
- (COINS JANGLE)
on the way to the
washhouse, err, McKenzie's.
- (COINS JANGLE)
- See what you can get for that.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
How do you know I won't just
take your money and run off with it?
I guess I'm just gonna
have to trust you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(COINS JANGLE)
(SIGHS) How much longer
is this going to take?
It will take as long as
it takes! Now, stand still.
I don't want to go to this stupid party.
- Everybody likes parties.
- No, they don't. They just say they do.
I certainly don't want
to go with Rupert Parker.
His mother won't be happy
until we're man and wife.
Well, I think you're safe there.
I doubt he's the marrying type.
Well, what makes you say that?
Done.
Now, will you please
stop growing, young lady?
Oh Lizzie
- (SOFT MUSIC)
- you look beautiful.
I can see your mother
in you, I really can.
Oh
Of course, your mother
used to smile more.
(LOUD KNOCKING)
I'll get that. You can tidy up in here.
Put everything back in the sewing box.
Err, neatly, please.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(IVY CLEARS HER THROAT)
(DOOR OPENS)
You're William?
Mr. Scarlet said to
expect you. Come on in.
It's cold out there. We'll get you warm.
I'll make up the spare room.
Do you have any other belongings?
YOUNG DUKE: No. It's just me.
IVY: Oh! If there's
anything else you need,
you just let me know.
YOUNG DUKE: That's very
kind of you, I will.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Are you hungry?
Would you like something to eat?
Yes please. Thank you.
Hello again.
Hello.
Get yourself downstairs to the kitchen.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
Why's he come back?
The young man is going to be
staying with us for a few days.
And you're to stay away
from him, young lady.
Now you've a bit of time
before Mr. Parker is due,
so why don't you go
and tidy that bedroom?
Go on. Now.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) (FABRIC RUSTLING)
Mmm.
(CUTLERY SCRAPING)
(SLOW, DELIBERATE FOOTSTEPS)
Mr. Wellington.
It's William.
(LAUGHS) William.
I'm afraid there's been
something of a mix-up.
Father is still at work, but
he's sent a message to say
that we are to dine with
friends this evening,
and he would like you to come along.
Miss Woods just made me dinner.
Ivy is unaware of this change of plan.
She is in the drawing room sewing.
I didn't want to disturb her.
Do you own a dinner suit?
Let me see.
- No.
- (LAUGHS)
My uncle stayed with us last
year, he is about your height.
I believe his dinner suit is in
the wardrobe in the spare room.
I'm not wearing some old man's clothes.
- (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
- My father has opened his house to you.
Refusing this kind of
invitation is not the done thing.
Mmm.
I don't care about the done thing.
Fine.
You are a very rude young man.
I will tell my father as much.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING HURRIEDLY)
(SIGHS)
(CITY SOUNDS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Mr. Parker.
- Miss Scarlet.
(CARRIAGE DOOR OPENS)
- Wait!
- (ROMANTIC MUSIC)
(KEYS JANGLE)
William.
Shall we?
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- Whoa, there. Whoa.
(HORSE SNORTS)
(DISTANT PARTY CHATTER)
(LILTING PIANO MUSIC)
Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)
(POLITE CHATTER)
Where's your father?
Oh, he sent a telegram
saying he would be delayed
and sadly could no longer attend.
He sent a telegram?
When?
Shortly before we left.
But he requested that you
accompany me, nonetheless.
Ah.
I thought that's what he was doing.
What exactly is going on?
Very well.
I may have brought you here
under slight false pretenses.
(DUKE SIGHS)
Mr. Parker's mother owns the
leasehold to our property.
She is very keen for myself and her son
to become better acquainted and I am
less keen.
He doesn't seem that interested in you.
Thank the Lord for small mercies.
Do you always lie this much?
It wasn't a lie.
It was a temporary
departure from the truth.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
But you have my word, I'll
never lie to you again.
And, of course, you'll
always keep to your word.
- Always.
- (LAUGHS)
Slàinte.
- Cheers.
- (GLASSES CLINK)
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
So
what exactly are you doing
with my father anyway?
He said you'd ask that,
and he said not to tell you.
Hmm. Very well.
But perhaps one day, I
shall meet your father
and he and I will share a secret.
Good luck finding him.
I thought you said there'd be real food.
There should be canapés somewhere.
What are canopies?
Oh, they are small snacks,
and it's pronounced can-a-pay.
Can of peas?
No, it
(LAUGHS) Are you teasing me?
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Well, there should
be a waiter somewhere.
- I'll see if I can catch his eye.
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- Eliza
- YOUNG ELIZA: Just be patient.
I witnessed a murder.
That's what I'm doing with your father.
He wants my help trying
to find the killer.
And I think I've found him.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
GUEST: Cheers!
(PARTY CHATTER AND MUSIC)
Are you sure it was him?
As sure as I can be.
- Do you know his name?
- No.
- I shall go back in and ask him.
- And say what?
"My friend thinks you're a murderer.
- What's your name?"
- I imagine I'll find
- a more elegant way to put it.
- No.
Let's go and find your
father and bring him here.
It would help his enquiries
if we could at least tell him
- the name of our suspect.
- Our suspect?
This has nothing to do with you.
- Come on, we're leaving.
- Very well.
I'll go find Rupert.
I'm sure his driver will take
us wherever we need to go.
I'll meet you outside.
Fine.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Not a single bloody pheasant to be seen.
Now, why on earth he
held a shoot in December,
I'll never know. The
man's a bloody fool.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I can see you
have your mother's charm.
I met her earlier
today. An inspiring lady.
Now, you didn't walk
halfway across this room
to talk to me about my mother.
Well, as I said, I
believe we have met before.
Well, perhaps
you were just saying that to
gain my attention?
Kindly remove your hand.
Oh, I would do
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- if you meant it.
I wonder if you're aware,
that the worst bite a person can receive
is not from a rat or dog,
but a fellow human being.
There are bacteria in the saliva
that can cause infection,
blood poisoning and in some cases
amputation.
(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
A pleasure speaking to you.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Thomas Harper Jones,
son of Lady Harper Jones,
and quite the most obnoxious
man I have ever met.
(SCOFFS) You spoke to him?
We needed to know what kind
of man we were dealing with.
- We?
- My father is under
an awful lot of strain at the moment.
- It would be unfair to waste his time
- (DUKE SIGHS)
if this is not the man he seeks.
And it is my belief that
you and I should investigate
the matter further before
telling him anything.
Agreed?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
For God's sakes, Lizzie,
what were you thinking?
It was my fault. I wanted
to find out his name.
If I had known she had
taken William to the party,
I would never have said anything,
- but I
- We'll get to that, believe me.
- Are you are sure it was him?
- Certain.
And you've told no-one else of this?
Just Eliza.
The Harper Jones family
are rich and influential,
with powerful friends.
It is vital this stays
between us for now.
- Might I suggest
- No.
- You don't know what I was
- Yes, I do.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(HENRY SIGHS)
It's late.
We will talk of this tomorrow.
Go with Ivy, she'll
show you to your room.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
Lizzie, wait.
- I'm tired of arguing.
- Yes, as am I.
Look, I know you wish to
follow in my footsteps.
But as I have told you
before, it is impossible.
So, instead I'm to spend the
rest of my days drinking tea
with the dullest people
known to humanity.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Life's hard enough already, Lizzie.
Don't get involved with this. Please.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
MAN: Good day, Mrs. Parker.
- Good morning.
- (DOOR OPENS)
Ooh. Good morning, Mrs. Parker.
Miss Scarlet.
Thank you for coming
at such short notice.
I confess to being pleasantly surprised
to receive your invitation for a walk.
Yesterday, you seemed
somewhat disinterested.
I was merely
concentrating, that was all.
I didn't want to miss
any pearls of wisdom.
Rupert tells me you had
a most pleasant evening.
I would not be surprised
if he calls on you again.
I certainly hope so.
It was a splendid evening, indeed.
Err speaking of which,
I wondered if I might be so
bold as to make a suggestion?
Oh
I am sorry to have missed
the festivities last night.
As you know, I had a prior engagement.
But Miss Scarlet had
the most marvelous time
and insisted on coming
to thank you in person.
How very kind.
My only regret is that you and
I did not find time to talk.
I'd love to hear more about
you and your delightful family,
your daughter, of course, and,
indeed, your son, Thomas, I believe?
It would be my pleasure.
(TITTERS WITH PRIDE)
Do please, follow me.
MRS. PARKER: Thank you.
LADY HARPER JONES: What
a charming young lady.
- MRS. PARKER: Isn't she?
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(BRISK FOOTSTEPS)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- (CARRIAGE RUMBLING)
HENRY: Is that him?
That's him.
Right, I think it best you wait here.
He might have seen you at the party.
What are you going to do?
- Tread carefully.
- (PLUCKY MUSIC)
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
THOMAS: Pickpockets?
That's news to me.
(SLURPS)
I've heard nothing of it.
I'm afraid there's been
a spate of such incidents
in this very street, sir.
The last incident
was, err, two days ago.
Early evening, about six o'clock.
Were you, err, were
you here at that time?
No.
Where were you?
Why does that matter?
Well, sometimes pickpockets
target a gentleman
such as yourself, and
follow him from wherever he's been.
A restaurant, hotel.
If we can establish a pattern,
it might help us catch them.
I was at my other club,
the Ottoman on Grey's Inn Road.
I was there all night
and saw nothing untoward
upon my arrival or my exit.
Very glad to hear it.
- (BACKGROUND LAUGHTER)
- The umm
The investigation has taken a
rather sinister turn of late.
We believe one of the thieves may
have murdered a private detective.
- A private detective?
- Mmm.
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- Mr. Arthur Wallis.
Good man.
Former police officer.
(SIGHS)
(MEN CHATTING, LAUGHING)
Why is it just me you're talking to?
Oh, I intend to speak to
all the gentlemen here.
I just happened to catch
your eye first. (CHUCKLES)
(THOMAS SCOFFS)
(TEA POURING)
And with my husband away in the Indies,
Thomas has been running
our affairs in London.
That must be quite a burden to carry.
Have you noticed any change
in his behavior of late?
Change in his behavior?
Miss Scarlet,
you have done nothing but
ask questions about Thomas.
I would remind you it was Rupert
who accompanied you last evening.
- Err, forgive me, I was merely curious.
- (DOOR OPENS)
The study of human nature is
something of a hobby of mine.
- LADY HARPER JONES: Hmm.
- Madam, your appointment.
Oh, of course. Thank you, Annie.
Oh, ladies, I'm afraid
you must excuse me.
- (TEACUP CLINKS)
- I have numerous appointments
that I must attend to,
and as I am currently without a driver,
I'm having to rely on Hackney carriages,
and I find that they
take an age. (CHUCKLES)
A good driver is like a good lawyer.
You must hold on to him at all costs.
Pettifer was exactly that.
He'd been with us for years.
But, erm, he and Thomas
had cross words and
he left the very next morning.
- They had cross words?
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What about?
We shall take up no more
of your valuable time.
Come, Miss Scarlet.
Oh, forgive me.
I have taken rather too much tea
and there is a room I
must visit before we leave.
Annie,
show Miss Scarlet where she needs to go.
This carriage driver, Pettifer,
the one who argued
with Mr. Harper Jones.
Did you know him?
Yes, ma'am.
(CLINK OF COIN)
(COIN CLANKS)
Where might I find him?
(HOT WATER POURING)
I was their driver for
years, whole family.
Jonathan Harper Jones, Thomas's father,
he was a good man.
Unlike his son.
(HOT WATER POURING)
I've known Thomas since he was a boy.
You could tell he was a wrong'un.
Everyone knew it.
(TEACUPS CLINK)
As I understand it, the two of you
had cross words about something?
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Well, that was a few weeks back.
I was, um
I was bringing the horse and
carriage round the front of the house
to take him wherever he was going.
And I noticed that
Sampson, that's the horse,
I noticed he was lame.
Then Thomas, he come rushing out
saying he was late and
the horse'd be fine.
I said, 'No, sir. That horse
needs medical attention.'
Well, he didn't care,
he was drunk already.
Pushed me out the way,
jumped in the driver's
seat, and rode off.
The next morning,
I noticed the carriage
was back in the stables
still attached to poor old Samson.
His leg was worse,
it was bleeding badly.
And as for the carriage, well
it was all bent and buckled.
Poor old Sampson, he had
he had to be destroyed.
And that's when I knew I
couldn't work for him no longer.
(TEACUP CLINKS)
You believe he hit
something with the carriage?
Or someone.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You say this was a few weeks ago.
When, exactly?
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
Ah
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(DOOR CLOSES)
What on earth are you doing?
Don't worry, I'll-I'll-I'll clean it up.
You most certainly will, you lady.
What are you doing?
I was looking for
Father's old newspapers.
He usually keeps them
for at least a month.
He says they are an
invaluable source of reference.
Did you know, many crimes
are reported to journalists
before the police?
Do you know that you have a
piece of moldy bread in your hair?
(BREAD CLANKS IN BIN)
I've searched the
house and couldn't find
any old papers anywhere.
Er, I wondered if perhaps
they'd been thrown out.
Well, I told him to keep them at work.
I got fed up with them
cluttering up the place.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
OFFICER: Come on.
I'll ask Thomas Harper Jones
to come in for an interview.
He's probably taken steps
to shore up his alibi,
but the more lies there are,
the more cracks can appear.
What do you think the connection
is to the dead Mr. Wallis?
I'm not sure.
I'll need a full statement from you,
- outlining everything you saw.
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
What on earth ?
What has she done now?
What is it?
'Meet me here. Lizzie.'
Where, exactly?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
DRIVER: Whoa! Here we go.
(CARRIAGE DOOR OPENS)
(LOUD CHATTER)
There'd better be a damn
good reason for this.
There is, I assure you.
Mr. and Mrs. Samaris are originally
from the island of Cyprus.
Mr. Samaris doesn't speak any English,
but his wife has been good enough
to translate our conversation.
A few weeks ago, Mr. Samaris
was on his way back from work
when he was hit by a horse
and carriage in the street.
It was late, no-one was around
and the carriage didn't stop.
The police were unable
to find the driver,
as you'll have read in
the newspaper article
I left on your desk.
MRS. SAMARIS: He is crippled.
That is why we went to the detective.
- Arthur Wallis?
- Exactly.
Mr. Wallis was kind enough
to waive his initial fee.
Payment would be made only if the
culprit was brought to justice.
And did your husband see the man
that was driving that carriage?
Yes. He gave a
description to the police,
but they didn't do anything.
(MR. SAMARIS IN TURKISH)
He says this is the
man in the photograph.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- This photograph
of Thomas Harper Jones.
And it is my belief, that Mr. Wallis
found Harper Jones and confronted him
with the threat of
reporting him to the police.
And that
is why Harper Jones murdered him.
My clever girl.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Five guineas he tried to charge me.
So, I said to him,
'Do you have any idea who my family is?'
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, that shut him up.
Thomas Harper Jones?
(TENSE MUSIC)
- What is it now?
- I have a few more questions for you.
Well, it's not a convenient time.
This is not a request.
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- (CARRIAGE RUMBLING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING DISTANTLY)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Have you finished
your witness statement?
(DOOR CREAKS CLOSED)
Just checking for spelling mistakes.
I wish you'd been this
dedicated to your schoolwork.
(LAUGHS)
So, we searched the Harper
Jones' Mayfair residence.
He had the Samaris case file
that Arthur Wallis was working on.
In it, he names Harper
Jones as a suspect, so
that combined with
William's eyewitness account,
may be enough to secure a conviction.
May be?
He'll have the best
lawyers money can buy.
Nothing's guaranteed.
So
what now?
HENRY: Um
Well, we'll arrange
a line-up of suspects.
- I'll asked William to formally identify
- No, I mean
What now for me?
Surely this proves
where my abilities lie.
(QUIET FOOTSTEPS)
Never, not for one moment did
I doubt your ability, Lizzie.
You are tenacious,
and resourceful,
and every bit as
capable as any man here.
(SOFT MUSIC)
But your opinion remains unchanged.
I mean, my opinion doesn't matter.
It's the rest of the
world that's the problem.
Who knows what will happen
in the future? But
- for now
- This is not a path that I can follow.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
I'm so sorry.
(STREET CHATTER)
(BIRDS SINGING)
(CUPBOARD OPENS)
(RATTLING)
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(KNOCKING) Good morning.
William, good morning.
I heard you were going back to college.
I thought I'd come and say good bye.
They've agreed to give
me a second chance.
- Third, actually.
- (CHUCKLES)
I was just looking for
some books to take, but
- I found this instead.
- Hmm.
I didn't know you had a dog.
Not anymore. He died.
Uh, do you mind if I carry on packing?
- I have a train to catch.
- No, no. Carry on.
(SUCKS AIR THROUGH HIS
TEETH) (EXHALES LOUDLY)
So, I hear you found somewhere to live?
Mmm. It's a lodging house in Stepney?
Your father paid the first month's rent.
I-I said I'd pay him back when I can.
Shouldn't be too long, hopefully.
I've got a meeting with the
recruiting sergeant this afternoon.
The recruiting sergeant?
I'm thinking about joining the police.
Your father said he'd
put in a word for me.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You're joining the police?
I still don't know if I actually will,
but they say the money's quite good.
God knows what I'll
look like in the uniform.
(BANGING SUITCASE)
Oh, this damn thing!
- Here, let me.
- No, I'm more than capable
of doing it myself. Thank you.
Have I upset you?
No, it's just this dog.
Just this, this, this
stupid, damn dog! (BANG)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CRYING)
It's not fair, William. It's not fair.
Please, just
stop crying.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CRESCENDO)
- (KISSING SOUND)
- IVY: Lizzie!
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- Come on, young lady!
You'll be late.
I must be going Miss Scarlet.
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
- Are you alright?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Yes. Quite well, thank you.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
William?
(GROANING)
William! (LAUGHTER OF JOY)
(GRUNTS)
(ELIZA LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Ah, I need a drink.
I'll get you some water.
Ah
I was thinking more a double whiskey.
(ELIZA LAUGHS)
Oh, what have I gone
and done to myself now?
Here, shh.
You've had us all so worried, William.
I've been coming every day to see you,
to sit with you, hoping
you'd wake up. (LAUGHS)
And now you And now you have!
Oh my listen to me going
on, how are you feeling?
If if you would just let me speak
(SOFT MUSIC)
(WHISPERS) It's good to
hear your voice, William.
It's good indeed! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Can I get you some more water?
- I'd prefer a whiskey.
- You're not having whiskey.
Is this comfortable?
- DUKE: Not particularly when you do that.
- Sorry. (LAUGHS)
(THEME MUSIC)
Viewers like you make
this program possible.
Support your local PBS station.
(THEME MUSIC)
(JAUNTY MUSIC)
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)
Sorry I'm late today.
There's a new ward sister and
she wouldn't let me in at first.
I put my mother's ring
on my wedding finger
and told her you were
my husband. (LAUGHS)
She seemed a little disappointed
that you were perhaps taken.
I think you've made quite a
stir amongst the nurses, William.
(SIGHS)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Everyone has a different
opinion of my visits with you.
Ivy believes I should
just sit and talk to you
as if nothing's happened.
Detective Fitzroy suggested
reading aloud from a Russian novel,
the title of which I cannot pronounce.
I suppose it might
provoke you into sitting up
and begging me to stop! (CHUCKLES)
And Mr. Potts
Well, Mr. Potts was
surprisingly thoughtful.
He advised that as you are a man
who despises a lot of chatter
that I should merely sit with you.
That would be company enough.
Please wake up.
William
Wake up (TEARFUL)
(LOUDLY) Wake up!
Wake up!
WOMAN: Wake up!
I said wake up!
Get out of 'ere! Shoo!
- (BROOM BASHING)
- (UPBEAT MUSIC)
Get out of here! Go on! Bugger off!
(GROANS)
Bugger off.
- Bugger off!
- Alright, alright! I'm going!
(STREET CHATTER)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
What can I get you, huh?
I was just wondering if you
needed some help running the stall?
- No.
- I'm a hard worker.
I'll work for free for today
so you can see how good I am.
I said, no.
Please.
I haven't eaten in two days.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Yes, darling?
- WOMAN: Loaf of bread, please.
- Yes, of course.
- (SNATCHES)
- (HIGH TEMPO MUSIC)
STALL KEEPER: Hey! Hey! Hey!
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Dear God.
(RESIGNED SIGH)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(VOMITING)
- (RETCHING)
- (CHURCH BELL RINGING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (PUNCHING)
- MAN: Urgh!
(HIGH TEMPO MUSIC)
Argh!
Argh!
Argh! Argh!
(MEN STRUGGLING)
(MAN GROANING) (GASPING)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
- (LIGHT MUSIC)
- MAN: Morning.
- WOMAN: Morning.
- Morning.
What on earth?
Lizzie. What are you doing home?
(KNIFE CHOPPING)
You've been expelled!
No! Well, not exactly.
I was told to leave the
premises with immediate effect.
How is that not being expelled?
It's not a school, Ivy.
It's a training college.
You're not expelled from a
college, you get sent down.
Oh, pardon my ignorance. I've lost track
of how many places you've
been sent down from.
It's not my fault.
I don't want to be a governess,
or a schoolmistress,
or any of those things.
And I was planning
to come back anyway.
I got Father's letter about Skip.
Oh, so your father's dog dies
and that just happens to coincide
- with you being expelled.
- It's not his dog.
It's the family dog
who I very much loved.
That is not the point, and you know it!
You're sixteen years old, Lizzie!
It's time you grew up!
(PIGEONS COOING) (BIRDS CHIRPING)
Well, if I wanted to get shouted at,
I would've stayed at college.
(KNIFE HITS TABLE)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
And I really did love that dog.
(SOFT MUSIC)
(TUTS)
What are we going to do with you?
(SIGHS)
God only knows what your
father's going to say.
(HOOVES CLOPPING DISTANTLY)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Ah! Is the photographer on his way?
Yes, Inspector Scarlet.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
I know this man. We
used to work together.
His name's, umm
Wallis.
Arthur Wallis.
Doesn't seem like a robbery, though.
Who was it that found him?
Good afternoon.
I've been here hours. What's going on?
You were asked to give a statement
to the Chief Investigating
Officer. That would be me.
My name's Detective Inspector
Henry Scarlet. And you are?
I've already given a statement.
I was walking past, I saw
a body, I went and got help.
- Can I go now?
- Your name, please?
- William Wellington.
- Wellington.
As in the Duke?
Who?
What are they teaching
you in school these days?
You'd better not be thinking
of fitting me up for this.
I've heard about London bobbies.
No one is accusing you of anything.
I mean, very few murderers would bring
- the police to a crime scene.
- I'm missing work.
I've got a job on a pie stall. I'll
lose it if I don't get back there.
You either answer my questions here,
or down at Scotland Yard.
- Your choice.
- (SHOUTING) Get out my way!
- (PRISON DOOR CLANGS SHUT)
- You can't leave me in here!
I'm going to the city mortuary.
When I get back, bring him to my office.
Yes, sir.
(BANGING ON CELL DOOR) Argh!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HOOVES CLOPPING OUTSIDE)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Lizzie? There's someone here to see you.
- Well, who is it?
- Mrs. Parker and her son.
- No, no, no. Tell them I'm I'm I'm
- Oh!
You were correct, Rupert!
Miss Scarlet has returned.
IVY: I'll leave you to it.
Thank you so much, Ivy.
Mrs. Parker.
Mr. Parker. To what do I owe
this unexpected pleasure?
Rupert was taking his morning
stroll in Regent's Park,
when he came across your
neighbor, Dr. Williams.
The good doctor mentioned
that he had seen you returning
home, suitcase in hand.
Rupert relayed this to me,
(LAUGHS) and I said
this cannot be correct.
Miss Scarlet is in Wimbledon,
training to be a governess.
Term has finished and I have
returned home for the holidays.
The academic term does not
end for another three weeks.
I trust nothing untoward has occurred?
Well, my classmates and I
were making such good progress,
we were permitted to finish early.
I would remind you, Miss Scarlet,
that yourself and your
father are my tenants,
and a stain on your
reputation is a stain on mine.
Mrs. Parker,
your reputation is always
at the forefront of my mind.
I'm glad to hear it.
And now we shall take refreshments.
I shall take tea. Rupert will not.
- (SILENTLY) Oh
- (PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(HOOVES CLOPPING DISTANTLY)
HENRY: Your statement
makes little sense.
Alright, let's try this one again.
So, you say you were walking
past when you saw the body
- and you went to get help?
- Yes.
Where were you walking to, exactly,
given that it's a dead end?
Hmm?
See, my guess is you were
sleeping in the alleyway.
Those aren't my things.
(PAPER RUSTLES)
Document of discharge from
a workhouse in Glasgow.
In the name William James Wellington.
That's you.
How long have you been
living out on the streets?
It's a while, by the look of you.
I imagine you're hungry.
I know what you're trying to do,
be nice to me so I'll talk.
Yes.
That's exactly what I'm trying to do.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So, are you hungry or not?
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(DOOR CLICKS OPEN)
(SIGHS)
Now, if you go downstairs
and wait in the kitchen,
I'll have my housekeeper
make you some supper.
(SOFTLY) Go on.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Lizzie?
What are you doing here?
YOUNG ELIZA: Father, please calm down.
HENRY: Do not tell me to calm down!
God, you would try the
patience of a saint!
Well, I did not ask to
be sent to that place!
You have no idea what it's like.
HENRY: You're not a
child anymore, Lizzie.
You must start behaving like
a respectable young woman!
And most girls your age would
have been married off by now!
This was the solution to our compromise.
Your compromise, not mine.
You know what path I wish to follow.
I cannot have this conversation again.
Lizzie, give us a moment to talk, hmm?
We have a guest downstairs.
Go and make him something
to eat. I'll be down shortly.
Make him something to eat?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You have been attending
cookery classes, have you not?
Umm Sometimes, yes.
There's a smoked ham on top of the oven.
Give him a slice of that.
Good evening. My name is Miss Scarlet
I believe you are
an associate of my father's.
He said there'd be food.
Err, yes. I cooked a
smoked ham this afternoon.
I'll cut you a slice.
So, how do you know my father?
Do you work for the police?
- You got any bread?
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
I'm not sure.
I shall take a look at
what else I made today.
(TRAY SLIDES ACROSS THE TABLE)
You could stop a bullet with that.
Er, you are Scottish?
Whereabouts are you from?
Do you always ask this many questions?
I'll see if we have bread.
I heard shouting just now.
He was yelling at you,
wasn't he, your pa?
What did you do?
Why do you assume it was my fault?
I'm right, aren't I?
What did you do?
Do you always ask this many questions?
I'll have some water.
Sink's just there.
- I'm a guest in this house.
- Oh.
Well, then perhaps you might
show some basic courtesy.
We'll start with please and thank you,
then move on to eating like a gentleman
and not a pig in a trough.
(CUTLERY CLANGS)
It's my fault she lost her way.
I indulged her after her mother died.
That girl was born headstrong.
Nothing you could've done
would've changed that.
(CLOCK TICKING QUIETLY)
I encouraged her to be
interested in my work.
Did her a disservice.
Gave her ambitions
she can never fulfill.
But right now I
must speak to our guest.
I fear I have a long night ahead of me.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Did you give him something to eat?
I tried to but he walked out.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
- It wasn't my fault.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (CHURCH BELL RINGS)
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
IVY: That bad, is it?
What?
You only do chores when
you're feeling guilty.
(BASKET BANGS)
Where's Father?
He's been out all night
looking for that young man.
Came back early for a change
of clothes and some breakfast,
then went out again.
And did you speak to him?
(BIRDS TWITTERING OUTSIDE)
Sit down, Lizzie.
(BASKET BANGS)
Things are hard for him at the moment.
(MELANCHOLIC MUSIC)
The money that your mother
left, it's running out
and this house is expensive to keep.
He's a proud man and he'd
never admit it, but
these things weigh
heavily on his shoulders.
So
if you want to help him,
just do as he asks.
And that might mean doing some things
that you don't want to do.
Well, what kind of things?
(LOUD, URGENT KNOCKING)
Oh We're not expecting
any visitors are we?
(LIGHT MUSIC)
Some time ago,
after your mother's passing,
I spoke to your father
and offered to take you under my wing,
to give you the kind of education
a young lady ought to be receiving.
- He declined initially.
- (OMINOUS MUSIC)
But I have received a note from him,
saying he wishes to take
me up on my kind offer.
(STREET CHATTER)
(SINISTER MUSIC)
- (BUMPING SOUND)
- Excuse me.
Sorry.
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)
(CARRIAGE RUMBLES)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH SLOWLY)
I'll take that, thank you.
(WALLET SLAPS)
How did you find me?
Oh, everybody thinks themselves unique.
But we all have patterns of
behavior that can be predicted.
Take you, for example.
You're from Glasgow,
so, your train would have
arrived at King's Cross Station.
Now, I suspect that you stayed
in the area looking for work,
but were unsuccessful.
Hence why you're now
sleeping on the streets.
So, to rectify the situation,
you turned to low level theft.
Now, there are five streets
in the King's Cross area
where pick-pocketing is rife.
This is the third one I tried.
What do you want from me?
Tell me what you saw in the alley.
- What's in it for me?
- Well
from what I can tell, you're
an intelligent young man.
Help me and I will help
you in whatever way I can.
I mean, you didn't
travel four hundred miles
just to be a pickpocket.
You saw the murder
take place, didn't you?
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
Yeah. Okay, come on.
We shall be hosting the ladies
of the Kensington Benevolent Fund
They have raised thousands of pounds
for the poor and needy of London.
Err, no, no, no!
The Wedgwood china, think, girl.
- Sorry, ma'am.
- When the guests arrive,
you will be polite and deferential.
When speaking, do so with clear diction.
Stay away from contentious topics,
and talk instead of your
hobbies and interests.
You do have hobbies and interests?
- Well, I love to read my father's books.
- Marvelous.
In particular, the ones
on forensic pathology.
There's this one chapter I
must have read twenty times
about the livor mortis.
The post mortem settling of the blood
in the veins and arteries
that can often indicate
whether a body has been
moved after a murder.
Fetch the doilies for the cake stand.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
A good servant,
like a good child,
must be seen, but not heard.
But have no doubt
that when they are alone,
they talk of the things we
have said in their presence.
Therefore, it is imperative
that we say nothing odd or peculiar
that could undermine our
position as their superiors.
But, I only said
- Some day, you will be married
- (CHURCH BELL RINGS)
and your husband must feel confident
in your ability to run a household.
Speaking of marriage
Rupert rarely has an interest
in any young ladies, but
he is continually asking
questions about you.
I believe he finds
you quite fascinating.
- Mrs. Parker
- Your father is a man of limited means.
Rupert is the heir to my fortune.
I believe it would be
a beneficial arrangement
for both our families.
Now take a seat, and we
shall look at your posture.
Sometimes being back at a crime scene
can help trigger memories
we didn't know we had.
So you said you were sat down.
Er, I-I was asleep behind those barrels.
Mm-hmm, but something woke you up?
I heard footsteps.
Someone running. Two people running.
One was your friend, Mr. Wallis.
The other was younger.
Like twenty, twenty-one.
Something like that.
Good, good. Go on.
The younger man threw Mr.
Wallis up against that wall,
which is when he
started to strangle him.
Then he threw him to the ground.
Well, now, can you
describe the attacker?
Fair hair.
- Err, tall, perhaps six feet.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- Mm-hmm.
- And rich looking.
Fancy clothes.
What else?
YOUNG DUKE: As he was strangling him,
he knelt down and whispered something.
(MURDERER WHISPERS)
It was as if
As if he knew him.
Hmm.
It really was the
most wonderful evening.
The food was prepared by
Marcel Laurent himself,
the chef de cuisine
at the Brabham Hotel.
Lady Harper Jones is
the jewel in the crown
- of our social circle.
- (LADY HARPER JONES LAUGHS)
Oh, but I fear I have
been talking too long.
Let us learn more
about our Miss Scarlet.
- (PLAYFUL MUSIC)
- Tell me about yourself, my dear.
Miss Scarlet has a number of interests,
including embroidery and watercolors.
Well, it is reassuring
to meet a young lady with
such wholesome interests.
You must join us this
evening at Bornborough Hall.
I'm holding a soirée for
my daughter's birthday.
Rupert is going. I'm sure he
would be delighted to escort you.
- That is most kind, but it is
- A splendid idea.
I confess, Miss Scarlet has quite piqued
my Rupert's interest. (TITTERING)
Well, I will, of course,
have to ask my father.
Your father has put his faith in me
to look after your best interests.
Rupert will pick you up at eight.
- Marvelous.
- Marvelous.
Marvelous.
(PAGES TURNING)
- It wasn't any of these.
- (BOOK SNAPS CLOSED)
I may cast the net a little wider,
get you to look at a
few more, but not today.
Give your eyes a rest.
How long have you been a copper?
I signed up on
November 10th, 1848, so that's
twenty three
Oh, God, no.
Twenty four years ago.
Tempus fugit.
What?
Time flies.
I joined the same week as
Arthur, our murder victim.
- You were friends?
- Hmm, you know, for a while.
I just don't think this
place was really for him.
He left to become a private detective.
(SIGHS WITH DISCOMFORT)
Where did you sleep last night?
I don't know, some doorway.
There's a spare room at my house.
You can have a bed for a few nights.
Why would you do that?
Well, I need you where I can find you.
But if you are going to stay,
you're gonna have to clean
yourself up a bit. I mean,
(LAUGHS) my housekeeper's
gonna have a fit
- if you lay in her sheets like that.
- (EMBARRASSED LAUGH)
There's a public wash house
on Hanover Square, so
wash your clothes, have
a shave, take a bath.
I assume they're your only clothes?
Well, to tell the truth,
- they're not even mine.
- Right, well,
- there's a thrift shop
- (COINS JANGLE)
on the way to the
washhouse, err, McKenzie's.
- (COINS JANGLE)
- See what you can get for that.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
How do you know I won't just
take your money and run off with it?
I guess I'm just gonna
have to trust you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(COINS JANGLE)
(SIGHS) How much longer
is this going to take?
It will take as long as
it takes! Now, stand still.
I don't want to go to this stupid party.
- Everybody likes parties.
- No, they don't. They just say they do.
I certainly don't want
to go with Rupert Parker.
His mother won't be happy
until we're man and wife.
Well, I think you're safe there.
I doubt he's the marrying type.
Well, what makes you say that?
Done.
Now, will you please
stop growing, young lady?
Oh Lizzie
- (SOFT MUSIC)
- you look beautiful.
I can see your mother
in you, I really can.
Oh
Of course, your mother
used to smile more.
(LOUD KNOCKING)
I'll get that. You can tidy up in here.
Put everything back in the sewing box.
Err, neatly, please.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(IVY CLEARS HER THROAT)
(DOOR OPENS)
You're William?
Mr. Scarlet said to
expect you. Come on in.
It's cold out there. We'll get you warm.
I'll make up the spare room.
Do you have any other belongings?
YOUNG DUKE: No. It's just me.
IVY: Oh! If there's
anything else you need,
you just let me know.
YOUNG DUKE: That's very
kind of you, I will.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Are you hungry?
Would you like something to eat?
Yes please. Thank you.
Hello again.
Hello.
Get yourself downstairs to the kitchen.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
Why's he come back?
The young man is going to be
staying with us for a few days.
And you're to stay away
from him, young lady.
Now you've a bit of time
before Mr. Parker is due,
so why don't you go
and tidy that bedroom?
Go on. Now.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING) (FABRIC RUSTLING)
Mmm.
(CUTLERY SCRAPING)
(SLOW, DELIBERATE FOOTSTEPS)
Mr. Wellington.
It's William.
(LAUGHS) William.
I'm afraid there's been
something of a mix-up.
Father is still at work, but
he's sent a message to say
that we are to dine with
friends this evening,
and he would like you to come along.
Miss Woods just made me dinner.
Ivy is unaware of this change of plan.
She is in the drawing room sewing.
I didn't want to disturb her.
Do you own a dinner suit?
Let me see.
- No.
- (LAUGHS)
My uncle stayed with us last
year, he is about your height.
I believe his dinner suit is in
the wardrobe in the spare room.
I'm not wearing some old man's clothes.
- (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)
- My father has opened his house to you.
Refusing this kind of
invitation is not the done thing.
Mmm.
I don't care about the done thing.
Fine.
You are a very rude young man.
I will tell my father as much.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING HURRIEDLY)
(SIGHS)
(CITY SOUNDS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Mr. Parker.
- Miss Scarlet.
(CARRIAGE DOOR OPENS)
- Wait!
- (ROMANTIC MUSIC)
(KEYS JANGLE)
William.
Shall we?
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- Whoa, there. Whoa.
(HORSE SNORTS)
(DISTANT PARTY CHATTER)
(LILTING PIANO MUSIC)
Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)
(POLITE CHATTER)
Where's your father?
Oh, he sent a telegram
saying he would be delayed
and sadly could no longer attend.
He sent a telegram?
When?
Shortly before we left.
But he requested that you
accompany me, nonetheless.
Ah.
I thought that's what he was doing.
What exactly is going on?
Very well.
I may have brought you here
under slight false pretenses.
(DUKE SIGHS)
Mr. Parker's mother owns the
leasehold to our property.
She is very keen for myself and her son
to become better acquainted and I am
less keen.
He doesn't seem that interested in you.
Thank the Lord for small mercies.
Do you always lie this much?
It wasn't a lie.
It was a temporary
departure from the truth.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
But you have my word, I'll
never lie to you again.
And, of course, you'll
always keep to your word.
- Always.
- (LAUGHS)
Slàinte.
- Cheers.
- (GLASSES CLINK)
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
So
what exactly are you doing
with my father anyway?
He said you'd ask that,
and he said not to tell you.
Hmm. Very well.
But perhaps one day, I
shall meet your father
and he and I will share a secret.
Good luck finding him.
I thought you said there'd be real food.
There should be canapés somewhere.
What are canopies?
Oh, they are small snacks,
and it's pronounced can-a-pay.
Can of peas?
No, it
(LAUGHS) Are you teasing me?
Yes.
(LAUGHS)
Well, there should
be a waiter somewhere.
- I'll see if I can catch his eye.
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- Eliza
- YOUNG ELIZA: Just be patient.
I witnessed a murder.
That's what I'm doing with your father.
He wants my help trying
to find the killer.
And I think I've found him.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
GUEST: Cheers!
(PARTY CHATTER AND MUSIC)
Are you sure it was him?
As sure as I can be.
- Do you know his name?
- No.
- I shall go back in and ask him.
- And say what?
"My friend thinks you're a murderer.
- What's your name?"
- I imagine I'll find
- a more elegant way to put it.
- No.
Let's go and find your
father and bring him here.
It would help his enquiries
if we could at least tell him
- the name of our suspect.
- Our suspect?
This has nothing to do with you.
- Come on, we're leaving.
- Very well.
I'll go find Rupert.
I'm sure his driver will take
us wherever we need to go.
I'll meet you outside.
Fine.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Not a single bloody pheasant to be seen.
Now, why on earth he
held a shoot in December,
I'll never know. The
man's a bloody fool.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I can see you
have your mother's charm.
I met her earlier
today. An inspiring lady.
Now, you didn't walk
halfway across this room
to talk to me about my mother.
Well, as I said, I
believe we have met before.
Well, perhaps
you were just saying that to
gain my attention?
Kindly remove your hand.
Oh, I would do
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- if you meant it.
I wonder if you're aware,
that the worst bite a person can receive
is not from a rat or dog,
but a fellow human being.
There are bacteria in the saliva
that can cause infection,
blood poisoning and in some cases
amputation.
(LAUGHS WEAKLY)
A pleasure speaking to you.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Thomas Harper Jones,
son of Lady Harper Jones,
and quite the most obnoxious
man I have ever met.
(SCOFFS) You spoke to him?
We needed to know what kind
of man we were dealing with.
- We?
- My father is under
an awful lot of strain at the moment.
- It would be unfair to waste his time
- (DUKE SIGHS)
if this is not the man he seeks.
And it is my belief that
you and I should investigate
the matter further before
telling him anything.
Agreed?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
For God's sakes, Lizzie,
what were you thinking?
It was my fault. I wanted
to find out his name.
If I had known she had
taken William to the party,
I would never have said anything,
- but I
- We'll get to that, believe me.
- Are you are sure it was him?
- Certain.
And you've told no-one else of this?
Just Eliza.
The Harper Jones family
are rich and influential,
with powerful friends.
It is vital this stays
between us for now.
- Might I suggest
- No.
- You don't know what I was
- Yes, I do.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
(HENRY SIGHS)
It's late.
We will talk of this tomorrow.
Go with Ivy, she'll
show you to your room.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
Lizzie, wait.
- I'm tired of arguing.
- Yes, as am I.
Look, I know you wish to
follow in my footsteps.
But as I have told you
before, it is impossible.
So, instead I'm to spend the
rest of my days drinking tea
with the dullest people
known to humanity.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Life's hard enough already, Lizzie.
Don't get involved with this. Please.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
MAN: Good day, Mrs. Parker.
- Good morning.
- (DOOR OPENS)
Ooh. Good morning, Mrs. Parker.
Miss Scarlet.
Thank you for coming
at such short notice.
I confess to being pleasantly surprised
to receive your invitation for a walk.
Yesterday, you seemed
somewhat disinterested.
I was merely
concentrating, that was all.
I didn't want to miss
any pearls of wisdom.
Rupert tells me you had
a most pleasant evening.
I would not be surprised
if he calls on you again.
I certainly hope so.
It was a splendid evening, indeed.
Err speaking of which,
I wondered if I might be so
bold as to make a suggestion?
Oh
I am sorry to have missed
the festivities last night.
As you know, I had a prior engagement.
But Miss Scarlet had
the most marvelous time
and insisted on coming
to thank you in person.
How very kind.
My only regret is that you and
I did not find time to talk.
I'd love to hear more about
you and your delightful family,
your daughter, of course, and,
indeed, your son, Thomas, I believe?
It would be my pleasure.
(TITTERS WITH PRIDE)
Do please, follow me.
MRS. PARKER: Thank you.
LADY HARPER JONES: What
a charming young lady.
- MRS. PARKER: Isn't she?
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(BRISK FOOTSTEPS)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- (CARRIAGE RUMBLING)
HENRY: Is that him?
That's him.
Right, I think it best you wait here.
He might have seen you at the party.
What are you going to do?
- Tread carefully.
- (PLUCKY MUSIC)
(HOOVES CLOPPING)
THOMAS: Pickpockets?
That's news to me.
(SLURPS)
I've heard nothing of it.
I'm afraid there's been
a spate of such incidents
in this very street, sir.
The last incident
was, err, two days ago.
Early evening, about six o'clock.
Were you, err, were
you here at that time?
No.
Where were you?
Why does that matter?
Well, sometimes pickpockets
target a gentleman
such as yourself, and
follow him from wherever he's been.
A restaurant, hotel.
If we can establish a pattern,
it might help us catch them.
I was at my other club,
the Ottoman on Grey's Inn Road.
I was there all night
and saw nothing untoward
upon my arrival or my exit.
Very glad to hear it.
- (BACKGROUND LAUGHTER)
- The umm
The investigation has taken a
rather sinister turn of late.
We believe one of the thieves may
have murdered a private detective.
- A private detective?
- Mmm.
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- Mr. Arthur Wallis.
Good man.
Former police officer.
(SIGHS)
(MEN CHATTING, LAUGHING)
Why is it just me you're talking to?
Oh, I intend to speak to
all the gentlemen here.
I just happened to catch
your eye first. (CHUCKLES)
(THOMAS SCOFFS)
(TEA POURING)
And with my husband away in the Indies,
Thomas has been running
our affairs in London.
That must be quite a burden to carry.
Have you noticed any change
in his behavior of late?
Change in his behavior?
Miss Scarlet,
you have done nothing but
ask questions about Thomas.
I would remind you it was Rupert
who accompanied you last evening.
- Err, forgive me, I was merely curious.
- (DOOR OPENS)
The study of human nature is
something of a hobby of mine.
- LADY HARPER JONES: Hmm.
- Madam, your appointment.
Oh, of course. Thank you, Annie.
Oh, ladies, I'm afraid
you must excuse me.
- (TEACUP CLINKS)
- I have numerous appointments
that I must attend to,
and as I am currently without a driver,
I'm having to rely on Hackney carriages,
and I find that they
take an age. (CHUCKLES)
A good driver is like a good lawyer.
You must hold on to him at all costs.
Pettifer was exactly that.
He'd been with us for years.
But, erm, he and Thomas
had cross words and
he left the very next morning.
- They had cross words?
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What about?
We shall take up no more
of your valuable time.
Come, Miss Scarlet.
Oh, forgive me.
I have taken rather too much tea
and there is a room I
must visit before we leave.
Annie,
show Miss Scarlet where she needs to go.
This carriage driver, Pettifer,
the one who argued
with Mr. Harper Jones.
Did you know him?
Yes, ma'am.
(CLINK OF COIN)
(COIN CLANKS)
Where might I find him?
(HOT WATER POURING)
I was their driver for
years, whole family.
Jonathan Harper Jones, Thomas's father,
he was a good man.
Unlike his son.
(HOT WATER POURING)
I've known Thomas since he was a boy.
You could tell he was a wrong'un.
Everyone knew it.
(TEACUPS CLINK)
As I understand it, the two of you
had cross words about something?
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Well, that was a few weeks back.
I was, um
I was bringing the horse and
carriage round the front of the house
to take him wherever he was going.
And I noticed that
Sampson, that's the horse,
I noticed he was lame.
Then Thomas, he come rushing out
saying he was late and
the horse'd be fine.
I said, 'No, sir. That horse
needs medical attention.'
Well, he didn't care,
he was drunk already.
Pushed me out the way,
jumped in the driver's
seat, and rode off.
The next morning,
I noticed the carriage
was back in the stables
still attached to poor old Samson.
His leg was worse,
it was bleeding badly.
And as for the carriage, well
it was all bent and buckled.
Poor old Sampson, he had
he had to be destroyed.
And that's when I knew I
couldn't work for him no longer.
(TEACUP CLINKS)
You believe he hit
something with the carriage?
Or someone.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You say this was a few weeks ago.
When, exactly?
(PAPERS RUSTLING)
Ah
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(DOOR CLOSES)
What on earth are you doing?
Don't worry, I'll-I'll-I'll clean it up.
You most certainly will, you lady.
What are you doing?
I was looking for
Father's old newspapers.
He usually keeps them
for at least a month.
He says they are an
invaluable source of reference.
Did you know, many crimes
are reported to journalists
before the police?
Do you know that you have a
piece of moldy bread in your hair?
(BREAD CLANKS IN BIN)
I've searched the
house and couldn't find
any old papers anywhere.
Er, I wondered if perhaps
they'd been thrown out.
Well, I told him to keep them at work.
I got fed up with them
cluttering up the place.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING)
OFFICER: Come on.
I'll ask Thomas Harper Jones
to come in for an interview.
He's probably taken steps
to shore up his alibi,
but the more lies there are,
the more cracks can appear.
What do you think the connection
is to the dead Mr. Wallis?
I'm not sure.
I'll need a full statement from you,
- outlining everything you saw.
- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
What on earth ?
What has she done now?
What is it?
'Meet me here. Lizzie.'
Where, exactly?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
DRIVER: Whoa! Here we go.
(CARRIAGE DOOR OPENS)
(LOUD CHATTER)
There'd better be a damn
good reason for this.
There is, I assure you.
Mr. and Mrs. Samaris are originally
from the island of Cyprus.
Mr. Samaris doesn't speak any English,
but his wife has been good enough
to translate our conversation.
A few weeks ago, Mr. Samaris
was on his way back from work
when he was hit by a horse
and carriage in the street.
It was late, no-one was around
and the carriage didn't stop.
The police were unable
to find the driver,
as you'll have read in
the newspaper article
I left on your desk.
MRS. SAMARIS: He is crippled.
That is why we went to the detective.
- Arthur Wallis?
- Exactly.
Mr. Wallis was kind enough
to waive his initial fee.
Payment would be made only if the
culprit was brought to justice.
And did your husband see the man
that was driving that carriage?
Yes. He gave a
description to the police,
but they didn't do anything.
(MR. SAMARIS IN TURKISH)
He says this is the
man in the photograph.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC)
- This photograph
of Thomas Harper Jones.
And it is my belief, that Mr. Wallis
found Harper Jones and confronted him
with the threat of
reporting him to the police.
And that
is why Harper Jones murdered him.
My clever girl.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Five guineas he tried to charge me.
So, I said to him,
'Do you have any idea who my family is?'
- (LAUGHTER)
- Well, that shut him up.
Thomas Harper Jones?
(TENSE MUSIC)
- What is it now?
- I have a few more questions for you.
Well, it's not a convenient time.
This is not a request.
- (HOOVES CLOPPING)
- (CARRIAGE RUMBLING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING DISTANTLY)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Have you finished
your witness statement?
(DOOR CREAKS CLOSED)
Just checking for spelling mistakes.
I wish you'd been this
dedicated to your schoolwork.
(LAUGHS)
So, we searched the Harper
Jones' Mayfair residence.
He had the Samaris case file
that Arthur Wallis was working on.
In it, he names Harper
Jones as a suspect, so
that combined with
William's eyewitness account,
may be enough to secure a conviction.
May be?
He'll have the best
lawyers money can buy.
Nothing's guaranteed.
So
what now?
HENRY: Um
Well, we'll arrange
a line-up of suspects.
- I'll asked William to formally identify
- No, I mean
What now for me?
Surely this proves
where my abilities lie.
(QUIET FOOTSTEPS)
Never, not for one moment did
I doubt your ability, Lizzie.
You are tenacious,
and resourceful,
and every bit as
capable as any man here.
(SOFT MUSIC)
But your opinion remains unchanged.
I mean, my opinion doesn't matter.
It's the rest of the
world that's the problem.
Who knows what will happen
in the future? But
- for now
- This is not a path that I can follow.
(FIRE CRACKLING)
I'm so sorry.
(STREET CHATTER)
(BIRDS SINGING)
(CUPBOARD OPENS)
(RATTLING)
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)
(KNOCKING) Good morning.
William, good morning.
I heard you were going back to college.
I thought I'd come and say good bye.
They've agreed to give
me a second chance.
- Third, actually.
- (CHUCKLES)
I was just looking for
some books to take, but
- I found this instead.
- Hmm.
I didn't know you had a dog.
Not anymore. He died.
Uh, do you mind if I carry on packing?
- I have a train to catch.
- No, no. Carry on.
(SUCKS AIR THROUGH HIS
TEETH) (EXHALES LOUDLY)
So, I hear you found somewhere to live?
Mmm. It's a lodging house in Stepney?
Your father paid the first month's rent.
I-I said I'd pay him back when I can.
Shouldn't be too long, hopefully.
I've got a meeting with the
recruiting sergeant this afternoon.
The recruiting sergeant?
I'm thinking about joining the police.
Your father said he'd
put in a word for me.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You're joining the police?
I still don't know if I actually will,
but they say the money's quite good.
God knows what I'll
look like in the uniform.
(BANGING SUITCASE)
Oh, this damn thing!
- Here, let me.
- No, I'm more than capable
of doing it myself. Thank you.
Have I upset you?
No, it's just this dog.
Just this, this, this
stupid, damn dog! (BANG)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(CRYING)
It's not fair, William. It's not fair.
Please, just
stop crying.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC CRESCENDO)
- (KISSING SOUND)
- IVY: Lizzie!
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- Come on, young lady!
You'll be late.
I must be going Miss Scarlet.
- (TENSE MUSIC)
- (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
- Are you alright?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Yes. Quite well, thank you.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDE)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
William?
(GROANING)
William! (LAUGHTER OF JOY)
(GRUNTS)
(ELIZA LAUGHS SOFTLY)
Ah, I need a drink.
I'll get you some water.
Ah
I was thinking more a double whiskey.
(ELIZA LAUGHS)
Oh, what have I gone
and done to myself now?
Here, shh.
You've had us all so worried, William.
I've been coming every day to see you,
to sit with you, hoping
you'd wake up. (LAUGHS)
And now you And now you have!
Oh my listen to me going
on, how are you feeling?
If if you would just let me speak
(SOFT MUSIC)
(WHISPERS) It's good to
hear your voice, William.
It's good indeed! (LAUGHS)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Can I get you some more water?
- I'd prefer a whiskey.
- You're not having whiskey.
Is this comfortable?
- DUKE: Not particularly when you do that.
- Sorry. (LAUGHS)
(THEME MUSIC)