Monarch Of The Glen (2000) s04e03 Episode Script
Series 4, Episode 3
Lexie! oh! Is it that bad? No, I'm not meant to see the bride before the big day.
That's the groom, you loon.
Anyway, I'm not getting married for another two weeks.
So, what do you think? I wanted something simple and elegant.
It looks great.
Dead sexy.
Duncan, you think underwear catalogs are dead sexy.
No, really.
You're beautiful.
Thanks.
Anyway, the minister's here for the arrangements.
Oh, already? Duncan this is the bit you're not supposed to see.
( giggles ) ( theme music playing ) So, do you miss Glasgow much? Ach, no.
I had to leave after they caught me flogging the candlesticks.
Joke.
Lexie: hi.
Hi, sorry to keep you waiting, Reverend.
Not Reverend- Alice, please.
You must be very excited, Lexie.
Yeah, I might even turn up this time.
Well, that's always a good start.
- Please.
- Thank you.
Now, what sort of a service did you have in mind? I don't know, something traditional.
What, love, honor and obey, you mean? Well, love and honor anyway.
You could make up your own vows.
- Why don't we do that? - I don't know about that.
But you want it down by the loch? Just a few guests, nothing too grand.
Apart from the marquee, of course.
For the pipe band.
The pipe band? And there'll be highland games and a string quartet in the house.
A full MacDonald clan gathering in fact.
Just a wee bit grand then? Just a couple hundred of our closest friends.
Surprise! What happened to intimate and homely and small and special? But it will be special.
It will be magnificent.
It'll be a huge celebration of a momentous day.
Otherwise we might as well have a quick snog in the registry office and nip out for a curry.
( laughing ) You tell her, Alice.
I can't tell you what sort of a wedding to have.
I can tell you that whatever you choose, it has to be something you both want- with all your heart.
Why don't I come back in a day or two, hmm? - Yeah, thanks.
- Goodbye now.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
( horn blows ) Ah, well, there we are.
Molly: Louis, you found us! Molly, my darling.
I was afraid I'd run out of petrol and get eaten by wolves.
Oh, our wolves are quite fussy about their diet.
Archie, this is a very old friend of Hector's and mine, Louis Grimshaw.
This is my son, Archie.
Your son, why, surely not.
How do you do it, my darling? - I'm pleased to meet you.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
You're a very lucky man with your mother's looks and your father's castle.
Louis, Hector and I spent a lot of our youth together in London back in the '60s.
All those wild parties, you know.
Fast cars, high times.
The rest of the days we just wasted.
Let me get your bag.
Careful, it's a very valuable antique, - rather like myself.
- ( laughing ) Listen, old thing, I'm dreadfully sorry about Hector.
All these years I've been meaning to visit but I just left it too late.
I'm deeply ashamed.
Never mind, you're here now - and we're very pleased to see you.
- Oh, good.
( mimicking gunfire ) I'm getting readings from all over! They're coming out of the walls! Could I have my plasma rifle please? - Sorry.
- What is that thing anyway? This? It's a tracking device.
Great, could it track down the socks the washing machine's eaten? No, look, it tracks this.
Long-range transponder, state of the art.
We might use it on the wolves when they go wild.
Archie asked me to evaluate it for him.
I think we might want to try that outside, in controlled conditions.
- Okay, Arch, yeah.
- my mother's guest has arrived.
I was wondering if you can rustle up some tea? - Consider it rustled.
- Thank you.
Have you talked to Golly yet? - About what? - About another date.
I feel bad that he was stood up like that.
I didn't realize I was standing him up.
Oh, no, no, no, it's just, well- Golly's a great guy and - well, you should get to know him.
Give him another chance.
Irene: I'm sure he's very nice.
He just seems a bit tweedy, that's all.
( Duncan snickers ) Tweedy? Irene: You know, countrified.
Like he shaves with broken glass.
Keeps a ferret in his sporran.
That's not a ferret in his sporran, he's just pleased to see you.
- Who's the letter to? - My mother.
I told her it would be a low-key affair.
Now she'll probably turn up in a sedan chair carried by body builders.
Why not just phone her? This way she can't interrupt me.
We're interviewing new teachers for the village school in half an hour.
What do you want me to do, check their spelling? The laird is on the board of governors and, since you'll be the laird's wife, it's kind of like our civic duty.
Oh, I see.
So I'm meant to smile nicely and hand out digestive biscuits.
And I thought being a laird's wife would be boring.
I take it you're not coming then? Seeing as you're so good at making arrangements by yourself.
Hmm.
Seems a bit presumptuous, me chairing the board of governors when I've only been here a few weeks.
This lot won't give you any trouble.
But there's a bullwhip under your seat, just in case.
- How's Lexie? - She's great.
I'll talk her round, she'll be fine on the day.
You sure about that? I am going to marry that girl even if it means I have to wheel her up the aisle strapped to a trolley.
She is the one for me, the only one there ever has been.
- ( door opens ) - Looks like our first candidate's arrived.
- Excuse me.
- Hi.
Alice: How you you do? Thank you so much for coming.
Will you take a seat? Hello, Archie.
So, Miss Finlay, I understand you used to be head teacher here.
Yes, up until about a year ago.
( clears throat ) So what were the other candidates like? I'm sure I'm not supposed to tell you that.
Come on, it's me.
Don't get all ethical on me.
How the hell are you? Why didn't you tell me you were coming? Would you have turned up if I had? Of course I would, it's great to see you.
I believe congratulations are in order.
- Sorry? - You and Lexie.
Oh, right, yes, of course.
Thank you.
How does the old song go? If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with? - So, where are you staying? - The B and B.
Ah, yes, with the salty bacon and the cardboard sausages.
We could have put you up at the house, you know.
I don't think so, Archie.
Yes.
I take it the political job didn't work out.
No.
I got tired of all the backstabbing and betrayal.
I guess I thought things would be different at Glenbogle.
Silly me.
Katrina, you got a better offer.
We talked about it, you left.
I thought it was over.
It was.
It is.
Well, good.
So you can come to supper.
- I don't know- - oh, come on.
We're all grown ups.
It's in the past.
Everyone would love to see you - mother, Golly, Duncan.
And Lexie? Yeah, and Lexie.
Unless you'd rather eat half-cooked oven chips in front of the telly.
Depends what's on.
So, we'll say 6:30 for 7:00, shall we? ( blues music playing ) # nobody # # is gonna tell me that you don't love me, baby # # they just don't know # # that you're an angel # # sent down from heaven # # nobody # # is gonna tell me that you don't love me, baby # - Golly! - Hi there.
- Where did you get it? - Came free in a packet of cornflakes.
- Where do you think? - She is gorgeous.
- She is, isn't she? - An M.
G.
B.
Roadster with the original chrome and the wire wheels.
I had no idea you were into cars.
Maybe there's more to me than meets the eye.
There's more to this than meets the eye.
This is full of filler.
It's not the bodywork, son, it's what under the bonnet that counts.
Fancy a wee spin? Oh, I would love to but I've got too much to do.
Okay, after work.
Take her for a burn as they say? Okay, you're on.
Good.
I'm sorry, Duncan, but they didn't have any four-seaters left.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Archie invited me to dinner.
Did he not tell you? Funnily enough, no.
- Well, don't go to any trouble.
- I won't.
I mean I'm not the housekeeper anymore.
I forgot, you've been promoted.
Well, I hope you're happy.
- Meaning? - what I said.
I hope you and Archie will be happy.
So, what are you doing here then? Does my being here bother you? - Should it? - Not if Archie loves you, no.
There's no ifs about it, Katrina.
Ah, ladies, you've found each other.
I've invited Katrina to supper.
I'd heard.
Yeah, she's hoping to come back to Glenbogle.
Looks like she's made it.
I just thought it would be nice.
Molly: buzz to have a flutter on the gee-gees.
Louis: Only when you win, old girl.
I would have wasted less dosh if I'd bought a racehorse and shot it.
Oh, Katrina, what a surprise.
- Hello, Molly.
- Katrina, this is Louis.
- Katrina used to teach at our local school.
- Louis: really? So, Lexie's invited you to supper, that's wonderful.
- I'm not sure if I'm gonna stay.
- Molly: you must, I insist.
I want to hear all your news.
Oh, dear.
You need to turn the heating up, old boy.
It's distinctly chilly in here.
What's the matter? Do the girls not go for medallion man? Maybe you should buy a car.
( sniffs ) Ah, you dirty- Rabbie? Rabbie! come on.
( panting ) Good bunny.
Go ahead, run.
No one escapes from Glenbogle.
Look, Lex, I'm really sorry.
I thought it would clear the air.
I used to think you knew nothing about women.
It was kind of cute.
Now I think you line us up like wine-glasses - so you can play a wee tune.
- Come on.
You've been doing it for years.
Keeping your women guessing.
Keeping us on our toes.
I was just trying to be polite.
Oh, right, so I suppose now you're gonna politely drive her home.
Unless you'd rather do it.
( sighs ) Golly: Yeah, that one there is the Mountain of the Eagles and the range next to it is the Cairngorms.
Irene: I love the way the sky goes on forever.
You wait until you see the Perseids.
- The who? - The perseids.
It's a meteor shower.
Be happening any day now.
I'll have to take the washing in now.
And I thought the only entertainment up here was shooting things.
You can laugh, but I heard that there was a barn dance down Taggart's Glen.
A barn dance? Won't I need a gingham dress and some straw in my hair? It's a barn dance, the straw will be provided.
( tracker beeping ) ( faster beeping ) Got you.
( techno music playing ) Irene: Now this is what I call a highland fling.
Are you coming? Ah, to hell with it.
Let's go.
Good night, Archie.
Thanks for the lift.
Good night, Katrina.
Nice evening? It would have been nicer if you'd been there.
( scoffs ) Oh aye, the laird and his harem.
Archie's not like that.
- I know him better than you.
- Then why don't you trust him, Lexie? Are you here to get him back? He's made it pretty clear he's not available.
Just like a politician - can't answer a straight question.
Go on then, have a go.
If you think you're cute enough.
Lexie, you're getting married in two weeks.
Maybe.
But I won't let any man play stupid games with my feelings.
( groans ) So, how was it? Brilliant.
You'll have to speak up, my ears are ringing.
- I was getting worried.
- We went clubbing.
Clubbing?! Yeah, those baby seals really take it out of you.
You do know that Irene's got to be up at 6:30? Duncan, you're like my mother.
All you need is the fluffy slippers and the hairnet.
Good night.
You came home late last night.
I went for a walk.
Up to the village.
The village? You know, if you'd wanted to talk to Katrina, you could have done it at supper.
With a knife in my hand? Bad idea.
Mmm.
So, did you sort things out? Oh, yeah.
We're all gonna become Mormons.
Then you can have as many wives as you like.
You know, Lex, there's nothing going on between me and Katrina anymore.
What do I have to do to persuade you of that? Simple.
Send her back.
Send her - I'm the Laird of Glenbogle, - not the czar of all the Russias.
- ( knocking ) Sorry, Irene said you were here.
Is this a good time? - Archie: No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yes, yes, of course.
It's about the teaching post.
Basically the board is split down the middle.
Three of us want Katrina Finlay.
And the other three? They have some doubts about her commitment.
- which means - it's down to me.
Have you made your decision yet? It's about what's best for the school, Lex.
Of course it is.
Excuse me.
We'll need to know by tomorrow morning.
- ( door shuts ) - Yeah, you will.
Are you spying on me? Just posting some letters.
- you going out? - I was just gonna take a look around the village.
I'd forgotten how much I miss this place.
- If you come back then- - and am I? Coming back? The board of governors likes you.
Well, half of them.
The other half doubt your commitment.
And what about you? You're a wonderful teacher.
Are you really here for the job? Well, I was.
At least I was when I applied for the job.
Then I saw you at the interview and I realize I've been kidding myself.
I love you, Archie.
I never stopped loving you.
I can't believe we threw away what we had.
And I don't believe it's over.
I know you feel the same, admit it.
No, Katrina.
Then tell me you don't.
Lexie doesn't trust you.
She says you're playing games- - Please, I'm gonna marry Lexie.
- When? How do you know she'll even turn up.
When has she ever shown her full commitment? I would.
I have.
I'd give up everything.
All you have to do is ask.
Katrina, you left.
We all make mistakes, Archie.
It's not too late to fix it.
Please, this isn't fair.
Not on any of us.
( sobbing ) Lexie? What's the matter? - You used to fancy me, didn't you? - Is this a trick question? Would you still have me if I left Archie? If you left- what are you talking about? Now that Katrina's here it's like he's selling hisself short by marrying me.
( relieved sigh ) Don't talk rubbish, woman.
Of course I fanc- I still do fancy you, and the Lexie I fancied wouldn't give up without a fight.
What do you want me and Katrina to do? ( chuckles ) Strip to the waist and slug it out? No.
And listen, Katrina's not your problem, you are.
You're still wearing the rubber gloves in here.
You're not a housekeeper.
You're Lexie, queen of Glenbogle! And Archie loves you and you deserve it and you deserve him! If you're chasing women you'll need a bigger net than that.
My money's on you.
No contest.
And Lexie, if you do go for the topless bare-knuckle thing, don't start without us, will you? I had a daughter, but I never knew what that meant until I met her.
Well, I'm making up for lost time.
What about yourself? What about me? You must have a family.
Unless you rose up out of the sea like that what's-her-name, Venus, in the painting.
I did actually.
It was freezing.
( kids laughing loudly ) Excuse me, we're trying to have a conversation.
- Could you just lower your voice? - All right, granddad.
If he takes his teeth out, I'm really in trouble, eh? Shall we go? Golly: So, where do you fancy? How about the seaside? The seaside.
Excellent idea.
Good.
Look, I thought he'd have one of those wee electric wheelchairs.
Just be careful you don't get your hands dirty pushing that heap home.
This is a turbo-charged XR3i, pal.
- You can't even spell XR3i.
- I'd be 30 miles down the road while you're still looking for your starting handle.
- Fancy a wee bet? - Golly, let's just go.
Aye, 10 quid against your bus pass? No, winner takes the keys, son.
Away, if I need a skip I'll hire one.
Come on, it's worth a few grand.
Enough anyway to get somebody to sort your acne out for you.
( laughing ) First one to the speed limit sign.
Fine.
Golly, this is insane.
I don't want to end up walking home.
Come on, Irene, get in.
You need a good-looking woman in the passenger seat for this sort of thing.
Look, you can't do this.
It's not only dangerous, it's stupid and illegal.
Aye, but the police aren't gonna catch me, are they? Look, what are you trying to prove, that you're just as daft as he is? Look, missus, tell your dad to get in his car 'cause I've got places to be.
Do him a favor.
Don't you ride with him.
All that extra weight won't help.
You mind you don't wrap yourself round a lamppost, eh? Pimply little maggot.
Just make sure you burn him.
- Right.
After three.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
( engine stalling ) Keys.
If you can find them, you can keep them.
Have a nice day.
What are you standing there for? I can't believe your luck.
That's very shrewd of you.
Age and treachery will always triumph over youth and horsepower.
( door opens ) What are all these? Last minute arrangements for the wedding.
I was supposed to have confirmed them days ago.
Well, you'd better hurry up then, hadn't you? So, you're up for it, are you, marching bands and all? - Of course.
- Why? What do you mean, why? I want whatever makes you happy.
I don't know what I want anymore.
Or who you want, you mean.
That's not what I meant.
What did she say then? Katrina? Katrina? Katrina said that you don't trust me anymore.
Is that true? 'Cause if it is, Lexie, why would you want to marry me? If it's just so you can keep me on a leash then it's not gonna work, is it? No.
But let's face it, it was never gonna work, was it? Ahh! ( yells ) ( cawing ) Okay, birdie, back off.
Drop it.
leave it.
Shoo hey, that's not fair! No, that's not fair! ( crow cawing ) I don't suppose it's easy being the laird.
Thousands of acres, hundreds of tenants, dozens of staff.
Well, us three.
That lot I can manage.
That woman who came to dinner last night, she wasn't just the village teacher, was she? Was it that obvious? She hardly touched her food and it wasn't my cooking.
Why didn't I just listen to Lexie? A nice simple service.
Sign here, she'll do for me, everyone off to the pub.
That wouldn't have changed anything.
It's not the ceremony, it's what it means.
Katrina used to be the world to me and then Lexie was- is.
And now between love and duty, loyalty and friendship, I don't know what to do.
Whatever you do will hurt someone.
Yeah, but doing nothing will hurt everyone.
Maybe you should just do the right thing.
Morning, Duncan.
- How was your evening? - Oh, fantastic.
Golly got into a rumble with some punk in a hot hatch.
It was like "Rebel Without a Cause.
" That's nice.
So you'll be heading out again this evening? Well, we- do you want to join us? What, stuffed in the boot? No thanks.
I think I'll just head up to the village - on my bike- fancy a ride on a crossbar? - Duncan Golly and I, we're just having a bit of fun.
Oh, right, and have you told him that? - Oh, Eileen is it? - Irene.
Oh, well, whatever.
Just caught this in that big puddle out in front.
Congratulations.
You want it stuffed? Capital idea, yes.
With almonds and coriander, if you know what that is.
Well done, please.
I'm not into sushi.
Almonds and coriander.
Strychnine more like.
Here, I'll do this.
We didn't- I didn't mean to make you feel left out.
Och, don't be daft.
It's just my luck.
I mean, I meet someone that I really like and fix them up with somebody else that I really like, and they go out and have a really good time, and I lose 2,000 quid's worth of gadget in the loch.
My typical, rotten, lousy, useless- looks like your luck's changed.
- Archie! - Lex, I've got to go- board meeting in 10 minutes.
There's something that I wanted to say to you last night.
Look, I'm sorry that I've given you such a hard time.
I love you and I don't want to lose you.
Let her go, Archie.
And deny the school the best teacher they could have just because we've got problems? I know I'm being paranoid but, as long as she's around, I'm always gonna feel like second best.
Okay, so I send her away, and what will you do the next time an old flame pops up? She's not just an old flame though, is she? Lex, you have to trust me.
Let her go and I promise- I'll trust you forever.
I'll see you later, okay? - Aye, aye.
- Irene: Hiya.
I'm thinking of giving her a respray.
Something classy and understated like scarlet or lime green.
What do you think? I think it's not the bodywork that counts, - it's what's under the bonnet.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, yes.
Thought maybe we could take a drive up to Plockton, Applecross, lovely.
You know, drive up, stay over somewhere.
Would you mind if we- eased off on the accelerator a bit? No, no, no, not at all.
I suppose she does have some miles on her, doesn't she? No, Golly.
She has loads of style and she's a lovely mover, it's just the speed.
Well, do you fancy a walk sometime then? Yeah, sometime.
I take it you voted for me? - Of course.
- Well, thanks for that.
Oh please, we're lucky to have you.
I can't stay at the B and B forever so I was thinking maybe I could have my cottage back.
Maybe you could come to the housewarming.
I'd love to.
I can't, sorry.
You afraid people might get the wrong idea? I'm afraid you might get the wrong idea.
Katrina, Lexie and I are going to be married.
What you and I had was wonderful, but- but note the past tense.
I knew it.
I knew I shouldn't but- I just kept thinking maybe this once I could turn the clock back, you know? What an idiot.
I'm sorry if I- no, no, Archie, don't.
It's not your fault.
The advert didn't say "salary according to scale and old boyfriend included.
" You'll find someone else.
Do you know how long it took me to find you? I love- I love it here.
I love teaching.
And I really want to come back but if that means seeing you and Lexie every day, knowing that she's got something that I'll never have, I can't.
I just can't do it.
- You don't mean? - thanks for the job offer but I won't be accepting.
Oh, Archie, Archie.
Duncan: Lexie! Where you going? Lexie, wait.
You're not running off? ( tearfully ) No, I'm walking.
Don't just give up.
I told him I loved him and it wasn't enough.
I don't know what else I can do.
Try anything.
Seduction, blackmail, witchcraft.
I wanted him to choose me.
He didn't.
I blew it, Duncan.
I can't stay here.
Lexie, hold on.
I can't believe you're going.
Me neither.
I'll call you at your mum's, okay? Nice try, Dunc.
Tell Archie not to follow me, okay? Tell him- tell him I'm sorry I messed him around.
Lexie, I'll never remember all that.
You tell him.
Bye, Dunc.
Oh, Golly, where's this hot coupe I've been hearing about? I rather fancied seeing if I could still leap into one.
I'm afraid I got rid of it, Molly.
Oh no, but why? A man my age, an open-topped car, it's just a wee bit pathetic, isn't it? Yes, I suppose so.
There comes a time when one has to settle for something rather more sensible.
- Exactly, which is why I got this instead.
- Oh! Twice the MPG, more reliable, far cheaper to run.
Of course, and so practical.
And quite nippy I should think.
Nought to 60 in 4.
7 seconds.
Near enough pull your arms out of your sockets, Molly.
Oh look, you've got a spare helmet, I see.
Oh, hello.
I was looking for Lexie.
Oh what, the housekeeper? My employees always settled for a pat on the tush and a mink coat.
I was never so careless as to get engaged.
For a counter-jumper, Louis, you're really quite a snob.
Well, we all enjoy a little fumble below the stairs, but a man of your position really ought to marry money, then you could hire as many housekeepers as you like.
My father had a saying- "fish and visitors go off after two days.
" Your father, sayings are about all he had.
Right, pack your bags.
The last thing my mother needs is some clapped out Casanova messing about with her feelings.
I'm not messing about, old boy.
My intentions are strictly honorable.
That's what's bothering you really, isn't it? No more playing the laird when I'm at the head of the table.
Clearly you haven't done your homework.
'Cause even if my mother was desperate enough to marry you, I would still be the laird and you would still be Lord Louis of nowhere.
Suits me.
I don't want everyone to know I'm marrying into a family as dotty as the MacDonalds.
Let's face it, Hector didn't have many marbles to pass on, did he? - Louis! - Oh, darling- darling Molly, I didn't mean any disrespect to Hector, just that I envied him.
Snatching the most beautiful girl in London from right under my nose.
We'll have some fun.
You can't pretend you like being locked up in this mausoleum.
Okay, that's enough.
We'll have some laughs together.
After all these years in exile you deserve to be happy.
Hector and I were happy! Happier than a man like you could ever imagine.
But look what he left behind.
A mountain of debt, a monument to dry rot and a huge smoking hole in the ground.
- Ooh! - Ah- ow! ( muffled growling ) Darling? Lex? Lexie? She's gone, Arch.
Gone? gone where? Over the hills.
No.
No, no, no, no.
That wasn't meant to happen.
- What, you mean there was a plan? - yeah! - Why'd you let her go, Dunc? - I didn't let her go.
No, you're right, I did.
I've been such a fool! That's not what I mean.
( engines approaching ) How did you find me? - I followed my heart.
- Your heart? I thought Katrina had run off with it.
She was too late.
The only thing I could give Katrina was a teaching job, and as it happened, she didn't want it so she's left.
You had to do it your way, didn't you? I had to do the right thing.
I want you to trust me.
If I'd sent Katrina away, all it would prove is that you couldn't.
Now come home, please.
I won't marry you, Archie.
- Lexie.
- I can't.
Not if it involves marching bands and haggis flinging and me flashing my garters - at the whole Clan MacDonald.
- Don't tell me you want a quick little ceremony, miles from anywhere, with all the usual suspects as witnesses.
Aye, I do.
Fine.
Have it your way.
( car horn beeping ) Where did they come from? And who the hell are those two? - Thank you, Golly.
- My pleasure, Reverend.
That was- whoo! I don't believe it.
Did somebody call for a minister? I wonder if you'd care to marry us? Right here, right now.
No sky diving bagpipers, just this rabble.
What about the clan and- they'll have their big day, this one'll be ours.
Well, the paperwork's all sorted but, before we proceed, we have to have the consent of the bride.
Fully and freely given.
Do you want to do this, Lexie? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Very much so.
Gather around.
Wait, we've not went over the vows or rehearsed the service or anything.
We'll just make it up as we go.
Join hands now.
Alice: To seal your vows in the presence of God and your family and friends.
Lexie, please be my wife, my friend.
Everything you see from this mountain is mine and I give it all to you.
Be my only love, stay with me and I swear I will be faithful and cherish you until the last beat of my heart.
Archie, I don't have anything to give you except my heart, my soul and my life.
You be my husband and I'll trust you and I'll cherish you until the last breath leaves my body.
Alice: Do you take Lexie as your wife, Archie? I do.
Lexie, do you take Archie as your husband? I do.
Then, by the grace of god, you're husband and wife.
( clapping ) ( bagpipes playing ) ( Lexie laughing ) ( squealing ) Come on, our turn.
No, really, I need my toes for counting.
Oh, don't be silly.
Look, sword dancing for beginners! - Mother? - I wish your father was here.
Yeah, me too.
He would have been so proud to see you happy at last.
You made the right choice, Archie.
Be good to her, and to yourself.
( laughing ) So how did you find me then? You can't even find your shoes in the morning.
I told you, I followed my heart.
Hey, Arch - we'll be able to give these guys a real testimonial now, eh? Is that a tracking device? I thought you said you followed your heart.
Well, yeah, yeah Duncan bugged your rucksack - and my heart told me to follow it.
- Oh, really? You know what we need now? Fireworks! Brilliant idea.
Duncan, did you bring any fireworks? It's all right.
Hector sent some fireworks.
Look.
My goodness.
Look at that, Lex.
You could make a million wishes.
You know what, Arch? I don't have any more wishes left.
( theme music playing )
That's the groom, you loon.
Anyway, I'm not getting married for another two weeks.
So, what do you think? I wanted something simple and elegant.
It looks great.
Dead sexy.
Duncan, you think underwear catalogs are dead sexy.
No, really.
You're beautiful.
Thanks.
Anyway, the minister's here for the arrangements.
Oh, already? Duncan this is the bit you're not supposed to see.
( giggles ) ( theme music playing ) So, do you miss Glasgow much? Ach, no.
I had to leave after they caught me flogging the candlesticks.
Joke.
Lexie: hi.
Hi, sorry to keep you waiting, Reverend.
Not Reverend- Alice, please.
You must be very excited, Lexie.
Yeah, I might even turn up this time.
Well, that's always a good start.
- Please.
- Thank you.
Now, what sort of a service did you have in mind? I don't know, something traditional.
What, love, honor and obey, you mean? Well, love and honor anyway.
You could make up your own vows.
- Why don't we do that? - I don't know about that.
But you want it down by the loch? Just a few guests, nothing too grand.
Apart from the marquee, of course.
For the pipe band.
The pipe band? And there'll be highland games and a string quartet in the house.
A full MacDonald clan gathering in fact.
Just a wee bit grand then? Just a couple hundred of our closest friends.
Surprise! What happened to intimate and homely and small and special? But it will be special.
It will be magnificent.
It'll be a huge celebration of a momentous day.
Otherwise we might as well have a quick snog in the registry office and nip out for a curry.
( laughing ) You tell her, Alice.
I can't tell you what sort of a wedding to have.
I can tell you that whatever you choose, it has to be something you both want- with all your heart.
Why don't I come back in a day or two, hmm? - Yeah, thanks.
- Goodbye now.
- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.
( horn blows ) Ah, well, there we are.
Molly: Louis, you found us! Molly, my darling.
I was afraid I'd run out of petrol and get eaten by wolves.
Oh, our wolves are quite fussy about their diet.
Archie, this is a very old friend of Hector's and mine, Louis Grimshaw.
This is my son, Archie.
Your son, why, surely not.
How do you do it, my darling? - I'm pleased to meet you.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
You're a very lucky man with your mother's looks and your father's castle.
Louis, Hector and I spent a lot of our youth together in London back in the '60s.
All those wild parties, you know.
Fast cars, high times.
The rest of the days we just wasted.
Let me get your bag.
Careful, it's a very valuable antique, - rather like myself.
- ( laughing ) Listen, old thing, I'm dreadfully sorry about Hector.
All these years I've been meaning to visit but I just left it too late.
I'm deeply ashamed.
Never mind, you're here now - and we're very pleased to see you.
- Oh, good.
( mimicking gunfire ) I'm getting readings from all over! They're coming out of the walls! Could I have my plasma rifle please? - Sorry.
- What is that thing anyway? This? It's a tracking device.
Great, could it track down the socks the washing machine's eaten? No, look, it tracks this.
Long-range transponder, state of the art.
We might use it on the wolves when they go wild.
Archie asked me to evaluate it for him.
I think we might want to try that outside, in controlled conditions.
- Okay, Arch, yeah.
- my mother's guest has arrived.
I was wondering if you can rustle up some tea? - Consider it rustled.
- Thank you.
Have you talked to Golly yet? - About what? - About another date.
I feel bad that he was stood up like that.
I didn't realize I was standing him up.
Oh, no, no, no, it's just, well- Golly's a great guy and - well, you should get to know him.
Give him another chance.
Irene: I'm sure he's very nice.
He just seems a bit tweedy, that's all.
( Duncan snickers ) Tweedy? Irene: You know, countrified.
Like he shaves with broken glass.
Keeps a ferret in his sporran.
That's not a ferret in his sporran, he's just pleased to see you.
- Who's the letter to? - My mother.
I told her it would be a low-key affair.
Now she'll probably turn up in a sedan chair carried by body builders.
Why not just phone her? This way she can't interrupt me.
We're interviewing new teachers for the village school in half an hour.
What do you want me to do, check their spelling? The laird is on the board of governors and, since you'll be the laird's wife, it's kind of like our civic duty.
Oh, I see.
So I'm meant to smile nicely and hand out digestive biscuits.
And I thought being a laird's wife would be boring.
I take it you're not coming then? Seeing as you're so good at making arrangements by yourself.
Hmm.
Seems a bit presumptuous, me chairing the board of governors when I've only been here a few weeks.
This lot won't give you any trouble.
But there's a bullwhip under your seat, just in case.
- How's Lexie? - She's great.
I'll talk her round, she'll be fine on the day.
You sure about that? I am going to marry that girl even if it means I have to wheel her up the aisle strapped to a trolley.
She is the one for me, the only one there ever has been.
- ( door opens ) - Looks like our first candidate's arrived.
- Excuse me.
- Hi.
Alice: How you you do? Thank you so much for coming.
Will you take a seat? Hello, Archie.
So, Miss Finlay, I understand you used to be head teacher here.
Yes, up until about a year ago.
( clears throat ) So what were the other candidates like? I'm sure I'm not supposed to tell you that.
Come on, it's me.
Don't get all ethical on me.
How the hell are you? Why didn't you tell me you were coming? Would you have turned up if I had? Of course I would, it's great to see you.
I believe congratulations are in order.
- Sorry? - You and Lexie.
Oh, right, yes, of course.
Thank you.
How does the old song go? If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with? - So, where are you staying? - The B and B.
Ah, yes, with the salty bacon and the cardboard sausages.
We could have put you up at the house, you know.
I don't think so, Archie.
Yes.
I take it the political job didn't work out.
No.
I got tired of all the backstabbing and betrayal.
I guess I thought things would be different at Glenbogle.
Silly me.
Katrina, you got a better offer.
We talked about it, you left.
I thought it was over.
It was.
It is.
Well, good.
So you can come to supper.
- I don't know- - oh, come on.
We're all grown ups.
It's in the past.
Everyone would love to see you - mother, Golly, Duncan.
And Lexie? Yeah, and Lexie.
Unless you'd rather eat half-cooked oven chips in front of the telly.
Depends what's on.
So, we'll say 6:30 for 7:00, shall we? ( blues music playing ) # nobody # # is gonna tell me that you don't love me, baby # # they just don't know # # that you're an angel # # sent down from heaven # # nobody # # is gonna tell me that you don't love me, baby # - Golly! - Hi there.
- Where did you get it? - Came free in a packet of cornflakes.
- Where do you think? - She is gorgeous.
- She is, isn't she? - An M.
G.
B.
Roadster with the original chrome and the wire wheels.
I had no idea you were into cars.
Maybe there's more to me than meets the eye.
There's more to this than meets the eye.
This is full of filler.
It's not the bodywork, son, it's what under the bonnet that counts.
Fancy a wee spin? Oh, I would love to but I've got too much to do.
Okay, after work.
Take her for a burn as they say? Okay, you're on.
Good.
I'm sorry, Duncan, but they didn't have any four-seaters left.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Archie invited me to dinner.
Did he not tell you? Funnily enough, no.
- Well, don't go to any trouble.
- I won't.
I mean I'm not the housekeeper anymore.
I forgot, you've been promoted.
Well, I hope you're happy.
- Meaning? - what I said.
I hope you and Archie will be happy.
So, what are you doing here then? Does my being here bother you? - Should it? - Not if Archie loves you, no.
There's no ifs about it, Katrina.
Ah, ladies, you've found each other.
I've invited Katrina to supper.
I'd heard.
Yeah, she's hoping to come back to Glenbogle.
Looks like she's made it.
I just thought it would be nice.
Molly: buzz to have a flutter on the gee-gees.
Louis: Only when you win, old girl.
I would have wasted less dosh if I'd bought a racehorse and shot it.
Oh, Katrina, what a surprise.
- Hello, Molly.
- Katrina, this is Louis.
- Katrina used to teach at our local school.
- Louis: really? So, Lexie's invited you to supper, that's wonderful.
- I'm not sure if I'm gonna stay.
- Molly: you must, I insist.
I want to hear all your news.
Oh, dear.
You need to turn the heating up, old boy.
It's distinctly chilly in here.
What's the matter? Do the girls not go for medallion man? Maybe you should buy a car.
( sniffs ) Ah, you dirty- Rabbie? Rabbie! come on.
( panting ) Good bunny.
Go ahead, run.
No one escapes from Glenbogle.
Look, Lex, I'm really sorry.
I thought it would clear the air.
I used to think you knew nothing about women.
It was kind of cute.
Now I think you line us up like wine-glasses - so you can play a wee tune.
- Come on.
You've been doing it for years.
Keeping your women guessing.
Keeping us on our toes.
I was just trying to be polite.
Oh, right, so I suppose now you're gonna politely drive her home.
Unless you'd rather do it.
( sighs ) Golly: Yeah, that one there is the Mountain of the Eagles and the range next to it is the Cairngorms.
Irene: I love the way the sky goes on forever.
You wait until you see the Perseids.
- The who? - The perseids.
It's a meteor shower.
Be happening any day now.
I'll have to take the washing in now.
And I thought the only entertainment up here was shooting things.
You can laugh, but I heard that there was a barn dance down Taggart's Glen.
A barn dance? Won't I need a gingham dress and some straw in my hair? It's a barn dance, the straw will be provided.
( tracker beeping ) ( faster beeping ) Got you.
( techno music playing ) Irene: Now this is what I call a highland fling.
Are you coming? Ah, to hell with it.
Let's go.
Good night, Archie.
Thanks for the lift.
Good night, Katrina.
Nice evening? It would have been nicer if you'd been there.
( scoffs ) Oh aye, the laird and his harem.
Archie's not like that.
- I know him better than you.
- Then why don't you trust him, Lexie? Are you here to get him back? He's made it pretty clear he's not available.
Just like a politician - can't answer a straight question.
Go on then, have a go.
If you think you're cute enough.
Lexie, you're getting married in two weeks.
Maybe.
But I won't let any man play stupid games with my feelings.
( groans ) So, how was it? Brilliant.
You'll have to speak up, my ears are ringing.
- I was getting worried.
- We went clubbing.
Clubbing?! Yeah, those baby seals really take it out of you.
You do know that Irene's got to be up at 6:30? Duncan, you're like my mother.
All you need is the fluffy slippers and the hairnet.
Good night.
You came home late last night.
I went for a walk.
Up to the village.
The village? You know, if you'd wanted to talk to Katrina, you could have done it at supper.
With a knife in my hand? Bad idea.
Mmm.
So, did you sort things out? Oh, yeah.
We're all gonna become Mormons.
Then you can have as many wives as you like.
You know, Lex, there's nothing going on between me and Katrina anymore.
What do I have to do to persuade you of that? Simple.
Send her back.
Send her - I'm the Laird of Glenbogle, - not the czar of all the Russias.
- ( knocking ) Sorry, Irene said you were here.
Is this a good time? - Archie: No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yes, yes, of course.
It's about the teaching post.
Basically the board is split down the middle.
Three of us want Katrina Finlay.
And the other three? They have some doubts about her commitment.
- which means - it's down to me.
Have you made your decision yet? It's about what's best for the school, Lex.
Of course it is.
Excuse me.
We'll need to know by tomorrow morning.
- ( door shuts ) - Yeah, you will.
Are you spying on me? Just posting some letters.
- you going out? - I was just gonna take a look around the village.
I'd forgotten how much I miss this place.
- If you come back then- - and am I? Coming back? The board of governors likes you.
Well, half of them.
The other half doubt your commitment.
And what about you? You're a wonderful teacher.
Are you really here for the job? Well, I was.
At least I was when I applied for the job.
Then I saw you at the interview and I realize I've been kidding myself.
I love you, Archie.
I never stopped loving you.
I can't believe we threw away what we had.
And I don't believe it's over.
I know you feel the same, admit it.
No, Katrina.
Then tell me you don't.
Lexie doesn't trust you.
She says you're playing games- - Please, I'm gonna marry Lexie.
- When? How do you know she'll even turn up.
When has she ever shown her full commitment? I would.
I have.
I'd give up everything.
All you have to do is ask.
Katrina, you left.
We all make mistakes, Archie.
It's not too late to fix it.
Please, this isn't fair.
Not on any of us.
( sobbing ) Lexie? What's the matter? - You used to fancy me, didn't you? - Is this a trick question? Would you still have me if I left Archie? If you left- what are you talking about? Now that Katrina's here it's like he's selling hisself short by marrying me.
( relieved sigh ) Don't talk rubbish, woman.
Of course I fanc- I still do fancy you, and the Lexie I fancied wouldn't give up without a fight.
What do you want me and Katrina to do? ( chuckles ) Strip to the waist and slug it out? No.
And listen, Katrina's not your problem, you are.
You're still wearing the rubber gloves in here.
You're not a housekeeper.
You're Lexie, queen of Glenbogle! And Archie loves you and you deserve it and you deserve him! If you're chasing women you'll need a bigger net than that.
My money's on you.
No contest.
And Lexie, if you do go for the topless bare-knuckle thing, don't start without us, will you? I had a daughter, but I never knew what that meant until I met her.
Well, I'm making up for lost time.
What about yourself? What about me? You must have a family.
Unless you rose up out of the sea like that what's-her-name, Venus, in the painting.
I did actually.
It was freezing.
( kids laughing loudly ) Excuse me, we're trying to have a conversation.
- Could you just lower your voice? - All right, granddad.
If he takes his teeth out, I'm really in trouble, eh? Shall we go? Golly: So, where do you fancy? How about the seaside? The seaside.
Excellent idea.
Good.
Look, I thought he'd have one of those wee electric wheelchairs.
Just be careful you don't get your hands dirty pushing that heap home.
This is a turbo-charged XR3i, pal.
- You can't even spell XR3i.
- I'd be 30 miles down the road while you're still looking for your starting handle.
- Fancy a wee bet? - Golly, let's just go.
Aye, 10 quid against your bus pass? No, winner takes the keys, son.
Away, if I need a skip I'll hire one.
Come on, it's worth a few grand.
Enough anyway to get somebody to sort your acne out for you.
( laughing ) First one to the speed limit sign.
Fine.
Golly, this is insane.
I don't want to end up walking home.
Come on, Irene, get in.
You need a good-looking woman in the passenger seat for this sort of thing.
Look, you can't do this.
It's not only dangerous, it's stupid and illegal.
Aye, but the police aren't gonna catch me, are they? Look, what are you trying to prove, that you're just as daft as he is? Look, missus, tell your dad to get in his car 'cause I've got places to be.
Do him a favor.
Don't you ride with him.
All that extra weight won't help.
You mind you don't wrap yourself round a lamppost, eh? Pimply little maggot.
Just make sure you burn him.
- Right.
After three.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
( engine stalling ) Keys.
If you can find them, you can keep them.
Have a nice day.
What are you standing there for? I can't believe your luck.
That's very shrewd of you.
Age and treachery will always triumph over youth and horsepower.
( door opens ) What are all these? Last minute arrangements for the wedding.
I was supposed to have confirmed them days ago.
Well, you'd better hurry up then, hadn't you? So, you're up for it, are you, marching bands and all? - Of course.
- Why? What do you mean, why? I want whatever makes you happy.
I don't know what I want anymore.
Or who you want, you mean.
That's not what I meant.
What did she say then? Katrina? Katrina? Katrina said that you don't trust me anymore.
Is that true? 'Cause if it is, Lexie, why would you want to marry me? If it's just so you can keep me on a leash then it's not gonna work, is it? No.
But let's face it, it was never gonna work, was it? Ahh! ( yells ) ( cawing ) Okay, birdie, back off.
Drop it.
leave it.
Shoo hey, that's not fair! No, that's not fair! ( crow cawing ) I don't suppose it's easy being the laird.
Thousands of acres, hundreds of tenants, dozens of staff.
Well, us three.
That lot I can manage.
That woman who came to dinner last night, she wasn't just the village teacher, was she? Was it that obvious? She hardly touched her food and it wasn't my cooking.
Why didn't I just listen to Lexie? A nice simple service.
Sign here, she'll do for me, everyone off to the pub.
That wouldn't have changed anything.
It's not the ceremony, it's what it means.
Katrina used to be the world to me and then Lexie was- is.
And now between love and duty, loyalty and friendship, I don't know what to do.
Whatever you do will hurt someone.
Yeah, but doing nothing will hurt everyone.
Maybe you should just do the right thing.
Morning, Duncan.
- How was your evening? - Oh, fantastic.
Golly got into a rumble with some punk in a hot hatch.
It was like "Rebel Without a Cause.
" That's nice.
So you'll be heading out again this evening? Well, we- do you want to join us? What, stuffed in the boot? No thanks.
I think I'll just head up to the village - on my bike- fancy a ride on a crossbar? - Duncan Golly and I, we're just having a bit of fun.
Oh, right, and have you told him that? - Oh, Eileen is it? - Irene.
Oh, well, whatever.
Just caught this in that big puddle out in front.
Congratulations.
You want it stuffed? Capital idea, yes.
With almonds and coriander, if you know what that is.
Well done, please.
I'm not into sushi.
Almonds and coriander.
Strychnine more like.
Here, I'll do this.
We didn't- I didn't mean to make you feel left out.
Och, don't be daft.
It's just my luck.
I mean, I meet someone that I really like and fix them up with somebody else that I really like, and they go out and have a really good time, and I lose 2,000 quid's worth of gadget in the loch.
My typical, rotten, lousy, useless- looks like your luck's changed.
- Archie! - Lex, I've got to go- board meeting in 10 minutes.
There's something that I wanted to say to you last night.
Look, I'm sorry that I've given you such a hard time.
I love you and I don't want to lose you.
Let her go, Archie.
And deny the school the best teacher they could have just because we've got problems? I know I'm being paranoid but, as long as she's around, I'm always gonna feel like second best.
Okay, so I send her away, and what will you do the next time an old flame pops up? She's not just an old flame though, is she? Lex, you have to trust me.
Let her go and I promise- I'll trust you forever.
I'll see you later, okay? - Aye, aye.
- Irene: Hiya.
I'm thinking of giving her a respray.
Something classy and understated like scarlet or lime green.
What do you think? I think it's not the bodywork that counts, - it's what's under the bonnet.
- Oh, yes.
Yes, yes.
Thought maybe we could take a drive up to Plockton, Applecross, lovely.
You know, drive up, stay over somewhere.
Would you mind if we- eased off on the accelerator a bit? No, no, no, not at all.
I suppose she does have some miles on her, doesn't she? No, Golly.
She has loads of style and she's a lovely mover, it's just the speed.
Well, do you fancy a walk sometime then? Yeah, sometime.
I take it you voted for me? - Of course.
- Well, thanks for that.
Oh please, we're lucky to have you.
I can't stay at the B and B forever so I was thinking maybe I could have my cottage back.
Maybe you could come to the housewarming.
I'd love to.
I can't, sorry.
You afraid people might get the wrong idea? I'm afraid you might get the wrong idea.
Katrina, Lexie and I are going to be married.
What you and I had was wonderful, but- but note the past tense.
I knew it.
I knew I shouldn't but- I just kept thinking maybe this once I could turn the clock back, you know? What an idiot.
I'm sorry if I- no, no, Archie, don't.
It's not your fault.
The advert didn't say "salary according to scale and old boyfriend included.
" You'll find someone else.
Do you know how long it took me to find you? I love- I love it here.
I love teaching.
And I really want to come back but if that means seeing you and Lexie every day, knowing that she's got something that I'll never have, I can't.
I just can't do it.
- You don't mean? - thanks for the job offer but I won't be accepting.
Oh, Archie, Archie.
Duncan: Lexie! Where you going? Lexie, wait.
You're not running off? ( tearfully ) No, I'm walking.
Don't just give up.
I told him I loved him and it wasn't enough.
I don't know what else I can do.
Try anything.
Seduction, blackmail, witchcraft.
I wanted him to choose me.
He didn't.
I blew it, Duncan.
I can't stay here.
Lexie, hold on.
I can't believe you're going.
Me neither.
I'll call you at your mum's, okay? Nice try, Dunc.
Tell Archie not to follow me, okay? Tell him- tell him I'm sorry I messed him around.
Lexie, I'll never remember all that.
You tell him.
Bye, Dunc.
Oh, Golly, where's this hot coupe I've been hearing about? I rather fancied seeing if I could still leap into one.
I'm afraid I got rid of it, Molly.
Oh no, but why? A man my age, an open-topped car, it's just a wee bit pathetic, isn't it? Yes, I suppose so.
There comes a time when one has to settle for something rather more sensible.
- Exactly, which is why I got this instead.
- Oh! Twice the MPG, more reliable, far cheaper to run.
Of course, and so practical.
And quite nippy I should think.
Nought to 60 in 4.
7 seconds.
Near enough pull your arms out of your sockets, Molly.
Oh look, you've got a spare helmet, I see.
Oh, hello.
I was looking for Lexie.
Oh what, the housekeeper? My employees always settled for a pat on the tush and a mink coat.
I was never so careless as to get engaged.
For a counter-jumper, Louis, you're really quite a snob.
Well, we all enjoy a little fumble below the stairs, but a man of your position really ought to marry money, then you could hire as many housekeepers as you like.
My father had a saying- "fish and visitors go off after two days.
" Your father, sayings are about all he had.
Right, pack your bags.
The last thing my mother needs is some clapped out Casanova messing about with her feelings.
I'm not messing about, old boy.
My intentions are strictly honorable.
That's what's bothering you really, isn't it? No more playing the laird when I'm at the head of the table.
Clearly you haven't done your homework.
'Cause even if my mother was desperate enough to marry you, I would still be the laird and you would still be Lord Louis of nowhere.
Suits me.
I don't want everyone to know I'm marrying into a family as dotty as the MacDonalds.
Let's face it, Hector didn't have many marbles to pass on, did he? - Louis! - Oh, darling- darling Molly, I didn't mean any disrespect to Hector, just that I envied him.
Snatching the most beautiful girl in London from right under my nose.
We'll have some fun.
You can't pretend you like being locked up in this mausoleum.
Okay, that's enough.
We'll have some laughs together.
After all these years in exile you deserve to be happy.
Hector and I were happy! Happier than a man like you could ever imagine.
But look what he left behind.
A mountain of debt, a monument to dry rot and a huge smoking hole in the ground.
- Ooh! - Ah- ow! ( muffled growling ) Darling? Lex? Lexie? She's gone, Arch.
Gone? gone where? Over the hills.
No.
No, no, no, no.
That wasn't meant to happen.
- What, you mean there was a plan? - yeah! - Why'd you let her go, Dunc? - I didn't let her go.
No, you're right, I did.
I've been such a fool! That's not what I mean.
( engines approaching ) How did you find me? - I followed my heart.
- Your heart? I thought Katrina had run off with it.
She was too late.
The only thing I could give Katrina was a teaching job, and as it happened, she didn't want it so she's left.
You had to do it your way, didn't you? I had to do the right thing.
I want you to trust me.
If I'd sent Katrina away, all it would prove is that you couldn't.
Now come home, please.
I won't marry you, Archie.
- Lexie.
- I can't.
Not if it involves marching bands and haggis flinging and me flashing my garters - at the whole Clan MacDonald.
- Don't tell me you want a quick little ceremony, miles from anywhere, with all the usual suspects as witnesses.
Aye, I do.
Fine.
Have it your way.
( car horn beeping ) Where did they come from? And who the hell are those two? - Thank you, Golly.
- My pleasure, Reverend.
That was- whoo! I don't believe it.
Did somebody call for a minister? I wonder if you'd care to marry us? Right here, right now.
No sky diving bagpipers, just this rabble.
What about the clan and- they'll have their big day, this one'll be ours.
Well, the paperwork's all sorted but, before we proceed, we have to have the consent of the bride.
Fully and freely given.
Do you want to do this, Lexie? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Very much so.
Gather around.
Wait, we've not went over the vows or rehearsed the service or anything.
We'll just make it up as we go.
Join hands now.
Alice: To seal your vows in the presence of God and your family and friends.
Lexie, please be my wife, my friend.
Everything you see from this mountain is mine and I give it all to you.
Be my only love, stay with me and I swear I will be faithful and cherish you until the last beat of my heart.
Archie, I don't have anything to give you except my heart, my soul and my life.
You be my husband and I'll trust you and I'll cherish you until the last breath leaves my body.
Alice: Do you take Lexie as your wife, Archie? I do.
Lexie, do you take Archie as your husband? I do.
Then, by the grace of god, you're husband and wife.
( clapping ) ( bagpipes playing ) ( Lexie laughing ) ( squealing ) Come on, our turn.
No, really, I need my toes for counting.
Oh, don't be silly.
Look, sword dancing for beginners! - Mother? - I wish your father was here.
Yeah, me too.
He would have been so proud to see you happy at last.
You made the right choice, Archie.
Be good to her, and to yourself.
( laughing ) So how did you find me then? You can't even find your shoes in the morning.
I told you, I followed my heart.
Hey, Arch - we'll be able to give these guys a real testimonial now, eh? Is that a tracking device? I thought you said you followed your heart.
Well, yeah, yeah Duncan bugged your rucksack - and my heart told me to follow it.
- Oh, really? You know what we need now? Fireworks! Brilliant idea.
Duncan, did you bring any fireworks? It's all right.
Hector sent some fireworks.
Look.
My goodness.
Look at that, Lex.
You could make a million wishes.
You know what, Arch? I don't have any more wishes left.
( theme music playing )