Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s04e03 Episode Script
The Light Entertainment War
1 (band playing clownish theme) (audience laughter) (mumbling indistinctly) (muttering to themselves) (laughter) Announcer: TAKING LIFE AS IT COMES SHARING THE GOOD THINGS (forces a laugh) AND THE BAD THINGS.
FINDING LAUGHTER AND FUN WHEREVER THEY GO.
IT'S WITH THESE TWO HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ROGUES THAT OUR STORY BEGINS.
(tires screeching) (clattering and crashing) FOR IT IS THEY WHO WERE RUN OVER BY ALEX DIAMOND INTERNATIONAL CRIME FIGHTER AND PLAYBOY FAST-MOVING, TOUGH-TALKING AND JUST ONE OF THE MANY HUNDREDS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM LUMBAGO THE ENDEMIC DISEASE ABOUT WHICH NO ONE KNOWS MORE THAN THIS MAN, DR.
EMILE KONING DOCTOR, SURGEON, PROCTOLOGIS AND SELFLESS FIGHTER AGAINST HUMAN SUFFERING WHOSE DOORBELL WAS THE ONE ABOVE THE HERO OF OUR STORY TONIGHT REAR ADMIRAL HUMPHREY DE VERE.
YES, THIS IS THE STORY OF REAR ADMIRAL HUMPHREY DE VERE OR RATHER, THE STORY OF HIS DAUGHTER FOR IT WAS HER COURAGE, FORESIGHT AND UNDERSTANDING THAT ENABLED US TO PROBE BENEATH THE SOPHISTICATED VENEER OF THE ROYAL ARSENAL WOMEN'S COLLEGE, BAGSHO AND LEARN THE TRUE HISTORY OF THIS MAN LEN HANKY CHIROPODIST, VOYEUR, HEN-TEASER THE MAN OF WHOM THE CHAIRMAN OF FIAT ONCE SAID CHE COSA E LO STUCCIACATORI DI POLLI? (phone rings) SI.
Announcer: YES, TONIGHT WE EXAMINE THE CAREER OF GINO AGNELLI THE MAN WHO STARTED FROM NOTHING TO BUILD UP ONE OF THE GREATEST FIRMS IN EUROPE AND WHOSE TELESCOPE WAS BOUGH FROM THE SHOP PART-OWNED BY A MAN WHO, AT THE AGE OF EIGHT, STOLE A PENKNIFE FROM THE SON OF THIS MAN'S BROTHER'S HOUSEKEEPER'S DENTAL HYGIENIST'S UNCLE THE REVEREND CHARLIE "DROOPER" HYPER-SQUAWK SMITH THE CLEFT-PALATED R.
A.
F.
CHAPLAIN WHO, SINGLE-HANDED, SHOT DOWN OVER 500 GERMAN CHAPLAINS.
THIS IS THE STORY OF THE MEN WHO FLEW WITH HIM.
IT REALLY IS.
MORNING, SQUADRON LEADER.
WHAT-HO, SQUIFFY.
HOW WAS IT? TOP HOLE.
BALLY JERRY PRANGED HIS KITE RIGHT IN THE HOW'S-YOUR-FATHER.
HAIRY BLIGHTER DICKY-BIRDIED, FEATHERED BACK ON HIS SAMMY TOOK A WASPY FLIPPED OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER'S AND CAUGHT HIS CAN IN THE BERTIE.
(laughter) ER AFRAID I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOU, SQUADRON LEADER.
IT'S PERFECTLY ORDINARY BANTER, SQUIFFY.
BALLY JERRY PRANGED HIS KITE RIGHT IN THE HOW'S-YOUR-FATHER.
HAIRY BLIGHTER DICKY-BIRDIED, FEATHERED BACK ON HIS SAMMY TOOK A WASPY, FLIPPED OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER'S AND CAUGHT HIS CAN IN THE BERTIE.
(laughter) NO, I'M JUST NO UNDERSTANDING BANTER AT ALL WELL TODAY.
GIVE US IT SLOWER.
BANTER'S NOT THE SAME IF YOU SAY IT SLOWER, SQUIFFY.
HOLD ON, THEN.
WINGCO! YES? BEND AN EAR TO THE SQUADRON LEADER'S BANTER.
CAN DO.
JOLLY GOOD.
FIRE AWAY.
(laughter) BALLY JERRY PRANGED HIS KITE RIGHT IN THE HOW'S-YOUR-FATHER.
HAIRY BLIGHTER DICKY-BIRDIED FEATHERED BACK ON HIS SAMMY TOOK A WASPY, FLIPPED OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER'S AND CAUGHT HIS CAN IN THE BERTIE.
(laughter) NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT BANTER AT ALL.
(laughter) IS SOMETHING UP WITH MY BANTER, CHAPS? (air raid siren begins) BUNCH OF MONKEYS ON THE CEILING, SIR! GRAB YOUR EGG AND FOURS AND LET'S GE THE BACON DELIVERED.
(laughter) DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? NO, I DIDN'T GET A WORD OF IT.
(laughter) SORRY, OLD MAN.
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR BANTER.
YOU KNOW BALLY TEN-PENNY ONES DROPPING IN THE CUSTARD! UM CHARLIE CHOPPERS CHUCKING A HANDFUL.
NO, NO, SORRY.
SAY IT A BI SLOWER, OLD CHAP.
SLOWER BANTER, SIR? RA-THER! UM SAUSAGE SQUAD UP THE BLUE END! NO, STILL DON'T GET IT.
UM CABBAGE CRATES COMING OVER THE BRINY? Others: NO, NO, NO.
Announcer: BUT BY THEN IT WAS TOO LATE.
THE FIRST CABBAGE CRATES HIT LONDON ON JULY 7.
THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
FIVE SHILLINGS A DOZEN? THAT'S ORDINARY CABBAGES, IS IT? (laughter) AND WHAT ABOUT THE BOMBS? GOOD LORD, THEY ARE EXPENSIVE! SIR! YES, WHAT IS IT? NEWS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT, SIR! YES? BIG ENEMY ATTACK AT DAWN, SIR.
YES? WELL (laughter) THE ENEMY WERE ALL WEARING LITTLE SILVER HALOS, SIR.
AND THEY HAD FAIRY WANDS WITH BIG STARS ON THE END AND AND AND WHAT? AND THEY HAD SPIDERS IN MATCHBOXES, SIR.
GOOD GOD! HOW DID OUR CHAPS REACT? WELL, THEY WERE JOLLY INTERESTED, SIR.
SOME OF THEM I THINK IT WAS THE FOURTH ARMORED BRIGADE, SIR THEY THEY YES? WELL, THEY WENT AND HAD A LOOK AT THE SPIDERS, SIR.
OH, MY GOD.
WELL, THANK YOU, SHIRLEY.
SIR! GET ME THE PRIME MINISTER.
SIR! NOT THAT QUICKLY! SIR! (laughter) GENTLEMEN, IT'S NOW QUITE APPAREN THAT THE ENEMY ARE NOT ONLY FIGHTING THIS WAR ON THE CHEAP BUT THEY'RE ALSO NO TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.
(gruffly): BASTARDS! FIRST THEY DROP CABBAGES INSTEAD OF DECENT BOMBS CRATES WERE PROBABLY QUITE EXPENSIVE, SIR.
QUIET, CRITIC! AND NOW THEY'RE DOING VERY SILLY THINGS IN ONE OF THE MOST VITAL AREAS OF THE WAR.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, SHIRLEY? WELL, WE'VE GOT TO ACT FAS BEFORE IT SAPS MORALE.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THESE CHINESE GERMANS.
THESE GERMANS.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THEM THAT NO BRITISH SOLDIER WILL DESCEND TO THEIR LEVEL.
ANYONE FOUND TRIVIALIZING THIS WAR WILL FACE THE SUPREME PENALTY THAT MILITARY LAW CAN PROVIDE.
("Pomp and Circumstance" plays) THAT WAS ALL RIGHT, I THINK.
SEEMED TO GO QUITE WELL.
SAPPER WALTERS, YOU STAND BEFORE THIS COUR ACCUSED OF CARRYING ON THE WAR BY OTHER THAN WARLIKE MEANS TO WIT, THAT YOU DID ON APRIL 16, 1942 DRESSED UP AS A BAG OF DAINTIES FLICK WET TOWELS AT THE ENEMY DURING AN IMPORTANT OFFENSIVE.
WELL, SIR.
SHUT UP! COLONEL FAWCET FOR THE PROSECUTION.
(clears his throat) SIR, WE ALL KNOW SHUT UP.
I'M SORRY? CARRY ON.
SIR, WE ALL KNOW THE FACTS OF THE CASE THAT SAPPER WALTERS BEING IN POSSESSION OF EXPENSIVE MILITARY EQUIPMENT TO WIT, ONE LEE ENFIELD.
303 RIFLE AND 72 ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION VALUED AT £140, THREE SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE CHOSE INSTEAD TO USE WET TOWELS TO TAKE AN ENEMY COMMAND POS IN THE AREA OF BASINGSTOKE.
BASINGSTOKE? BASINGSTOKE IN HAMPSHIRE? NO, NO, NO, SIR, NO.
OH, I SEE CARRY ON.
THE RESULT OF HIS ACTION WAS THAT THE ENEMY RECEIVED BASINGSTOKE WHERE? BASINGSTOKE IN WESTPHALIA, SIR.
OH, I SEE CARRY ON.
THE RESUL OF SAPPER WALTERS'S ACTION WAS THAT THE ENEMY RECEIVED WET PATCHES UPON THEIR TROUSERS AND IN SOME CASES SMALL RED STRAWBERRY MARKS UPON THEIR THIGHS.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A BASINGSTOKE IN WESTPHALIA.
IT'S ON THE MAP, SIR.
WHAT MAP? THE MAP OF WESTPHALIA AS USED BY THE ARMY, SIR.
WELL, I'VE CERTAINLY NEVER HEARD OF BASINGSTOKE IN WESTPHALIA.
IT'S A MUNICIPAL BOROUGH, SIR 27 MILES NORTH-NORTHEAS OF SOUTHAMPTON.
ITS CHIEF MANUFACTURES SOUTHAMPTON IN WESTPHALIA? YES, SIR.
BRICKS, CLOTHING.
NEARBY ARE THE REMAINS OF BASING HOUSE BURNED DOWN BY CROMWELL'S CAVALRY IN 1645 AND WHO WHO COMPILED THIS MAP? COLE PORTER, SIR.
COLE PORTER WHO WROTE KISS ME, KATE? NO, ALAS NOT, SIR.
THIS WAS THE COLE PORTER WHO WROTE "ANYTHING GOES," SIR.
I SHALL SEEK TO PROVE IT'S THE SAME ONE! IN OLDEN DAYS A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR? IN OLDEN DAYS A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING WAS LOOKED ON AS SOMETHING SHOCKING (off pitch): NOW HEAVEN KNOWS ANYTHING GOES.
NO, THIS ONE'S, UH DIFFERENT, SIR.
HOW DOES IT GO? WHAT, SIR? HOW DOES YOUR "ANYTHING GOES" GO? CAN I GO HOME NOW? SHUT UP! COME ON.
SIR, REALLY, I THINK THIS IS COME ON, HOW DOES YOUR "ANYTHING GOES" GO? (to different tune): ANYTHING GOES IN ANYTHING GOES OUT FISH, BANANAS, OLD PAJAMAS MUTTON, BEEF AND TROUT.
ANYTHING GOES IN NO, THAT'S NOT IT CARRY ON.
WITH RESPECT, SIR, I SHALL SEEK TO PROVE THAT THE MAN BEFORE YOU IN THE DOCK BEING IN POSSESSION OF THE FOLLOWING: ONE PAIR OF ARMY BOOTS, VALUE £3, SEVEN AND SIX; ONE PAIR OF SERGE TROUSERS, VALUE £2, THREE AND SIX; ONE PAIR OF GAITERS, VALUE £68, TEN SHILLINGS £68, TEN SHILLINGS FOR A PAIR OF GAITERS?! THEY WERE SPECIAL GAITERS, SIR.
SPECIAL GAITERS? YES, SIR, THEY WERE MADE IN FRANCE, SIR.
ONE BERET COSTING 14 SHILLINGS WHAT WAS SPECIAL ABOUT THEM? THEY WERE MADE OF A SPECIAL FABRIC, SIR.
THE BUCKLES WERE MADE OF EMPIRE SILVER INSTEAD OF BRASS.
THE TOTAL VALUE OF THE UNIFORM WAS WHY WAS THE ACCUSED WEARING SPECIAL GAITERS? THEY WERE A PRESENTATION PAIR, SIR, FROM THE REGIMENT.
THE TOTAL VALUE OF THE UNIFORM, THEREFORE WHY DID THEY PRESENT HIM WITH A SPECIAL PAIR OF GAITERS? SIR IT SEEMS TO ME TOTALLY IRRELEVANT TO THE CASE WHETHER THE GAITERS WERE PRESENTED TO HIM OR NOT, SIR.
I THINK THE COURT WILL BE ABLE TO JUDGE THAT FOR THEMSELVES.
I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE REGIMEN PRESENTED THE ACCUSED WITH A SPECIAL PAIR OF GAITERS.
HE USED TO DO THINGS FOR THEM, SIR.
THE TOTAL VALUE WHAT THINGS? HE USED TO OBLIGE THEM, SIR.
OBLIGE THEM? YES, SIR.
THE TOTAL VALUE OF THE UNIFORM HOW DID HE OBLIGE THEM? WHAT, SIR? HOW DID HE OBLIGE THEM? HE, UM HE USED TO MAKE THEM HAPPY IN LITTLE WAYS, SIR.
THE TOTAL VALUE DID HE TOUCH THEM AT ALL? SIR! I SUBMIT THAT THIS IS TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.
I WANT TO KNOW HOW HE MADE THEM HAPPY.
HE USED TO RAM THINGS UP THEIR! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) YOU DON'T NEED TO SPELL IT OUT.
WHAT HAS THE ACCUSED GOT TO SAY? WHAT ME? YES, YES, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY? WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY, SIR? I MEAN, HOW CAN I ENCAPSULATE IN MERE WORDS MY SCORN FOR ANY MILITARY SOLUTION THE FUTILITY OF MODERN WARFARE AND THE HYPOCRISY BY WHICH CONTEMPORARY GOVERNMENT APPLIES ONE STANDARD TO VIOLENCE WITHIN THE COMMUNITY AND ANOTHER TO VIOLENCE PERPETRATED BY ONE COMMUNITY UPON ANOTHER? SORRY, BUT MY CLIEN HAS BECOME PRETENTIOUS.
I WILL SAY IN HIS DEFENSE, THOUGH SIR, WE HAVEN'T FINISHED THE PROSECUTION! SHUT UP! I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS COURT.
STAND UP! SIT DOWN! GO MOO! (all moo) SEE? RIGHT, NOW, ON WITH THE PIXIE HATS AND ORDER IN THE SKATING VICAR! (laughter) AND All: ANYTHING GOES IN, ANYTHING GOES OUT FISH, BANANAS, OLD PAJAMAS MUTTON, BEEF AND TROUT ANYTHING GOES IN, ANYTHING GOES OUT FISH, BANANAS, OLD PAJAMAS MUTTON, BEEF AND TROUT.
(dramatic newsreel music plays) (metal clanks) (laughter) Announcer: COMING TO THIS CINEMA SOON THE TENDER, COMPASSIONATE STORY OF ONE MAN'S LOVE FOR ANOTHER MAN IN DRAG.
(calls out) THRILL TO THE EXCITEMENT OF A NIGHT EMISSION OVER GERMANY WHEN THE PILOT, JENNIFER, HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS SECRET LOVE FOR LOUIS THE HOT-BLOODEDLY BISEXUAL NAVIGATOR AND ANDY, THE REAR GUNNER WHO, THOUGH QUITE ASSERTIVE WITH GIRLS TENDS TO TAKE THE SUBMISSIVE ROLE IN HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN.
AND SENSATIONAL MEXICAN STARLE ROSETTA NIXON PLAYS THE HEAD OF BOMBER COMMAND WHOSE PASSION FOR SEA BIRDS ENDS IN TRAGEDY.
WITH GINGER, AS THE HALF-MAN, HALF-WOMAN PARRO WHOSE UNNATURAL INSTINCTS BROUGHT FORBIDDEN LOVE TO THE AVIARY.
AND ROGER AS PIP, THE HALF- PARROT, HALF-MAN, HALF-WOMAN THREE-QUARTER BADGER, EX-BIGAMIST NEGRO PREACHER FOR WHOM BAN JO-PLAYING WAS VERY DIFFICULT.
AND HE NEVER MASTERED I ALTHOUGH HE TOOK SEVERAL COURSES AND WENT TO BAN JO COLLEGE, UH AND EVERYTHING.
DON'T MISS IT! COMING TO YOUR CINEMA SOON.
ONLY FIVE MINUTES FROM THIS RESTAURANT.
BUT NOW (plays chords) IT'S (heavy metal rolling) (clatters) (bell chimes) (scratchy recording of Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) ("Liberty Bell March" continues crisply and loudly) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with a fart) (clownish music playing on television) BLOODY REPEATS! (electric charge sizzles) YES, REPEATS OR WAR FILMS.
IT REALLY MAKES YOU WAN TO MICTURATE.
PEOPLE ON TELEVISION TREA THE GENERAL PUBLIC LIKE IDIOTS.
WELL, WE ARE IDIOTS.
OH, NO WE ARE NOT! WELL, I AM.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN IDIOT? OH, I CAN SHOW YOU.
HOW? LOOK.
OOH! (laughter) (sniffing) (crunches) (laughter) (laughter) (yelping high-pitched sounds) OOH, WEE! OOH, WEE! YOU SEE, THE PUBLIC ARE IDIOTS.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOW THEM THE LAST FIVE MILES OF THE M2.
THEY'D WATCH IT, EH? (all grumble) AT LAST, THEY DONE BEEN PUT ON SOMETHING INTERESTING.
OH, MOS INTERESTING.
OUR FIGURES SHOW CONCLUSIVELY THAT THESE MOTORWAYS ARE EXTREMELY POPULAR.
I MEAN, LAST TIME WE SHOWED A REPEA OF THE LEICESTER BYPASSS OUR RATINGS GAVE US 97,300,912 AND ITV NOUGHT.
SO I DO FEEL THAT WE OUGHT TO GIVE "B" ROADS THEIR OWN SERIES.
I'M SORRY, WE JUST CAN' GIVE YOU A BIGGER BUDGET.
BUDGIE? NO, HE'S LEFT.
OH, OH.
WHY NOT? WE'RE ONLY ONE SLICE OF THE CAKE, YOU KNOW.
WOULDN'T MIND A SLICE OF CAKE NICE CHOCOLATE CAKE DELICIOUS.
I HAD A BUDGIE ONCE, YOU KNOW.
LOVELY LITTLE BUDGIE, AMUSING LITTLE CHAP.
HE USED TO STICK HIS HEAD IN A BELL.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME, NOW? JOEY, UH KENNEDY? XERXES? WE COULD REPEAT THEM.
REHEAT THEM? NO, REPEAT THEM.
YOU DON'T REHEAT CAKES NOT CHOCOLATE CAKES.
WHAT, REPEA THE CAKES? MR.
HEATH! WHAT! THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUDGIE.
GOOD LORD, THE BAR'S OPEN.
OH! OH! OH! GREAT OFF! OH, NO.
NO IT ISN'T.
I WAS LOOKING AT THE LITTLE HAND THAT GOES ROUND AWFULLY FAST.
(audience laughter) BLAST! BLAST! I'VE GOT IT.
WE CAN RETITLE THE REPEATS.
WHAT? GIVE THEM DIFFEREN NAMES? WOULDN'T THAT MEAN RETITLING THEM? BRILLIANT! OH, RIGHT.
ALL WE NEED IS NEW TITLES AND THEY MUS BE DAMNED NEW.
HOW ABOUT DAD'S NAVY? HMM, GOOD, GOOD.
UP YOUR MOTHER NEXT DOOR.
EVEN BETTER.
DOCTOR AT BEE! WHAT? WHAT? (knock at door) SOMEONE'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
QUITE LIKE IT.
BIT LONG, THOUGH, I THINK.
FAR TOO LONG.
I MARRIED LUCY.
OH, HASN'T THA BEEN DONE? OH, YES, A LONG TIME AGO.
BUT THEY'D NEVER REMEMBER IT.
DOCTOR AT THREE.
(over knocking): I THINK SOMEONE'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
WELL, THAT'S EVEN LONGER.
I MARRIED A TREE.
AND MOTHER MAKES TREE.
DOCTOR AT CAKE.
(knocking continues) LOOK, I'M NO ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN BUT, WELL, I DO RATHER GET THE IMPRESSION THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ACTUALLY KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS HALF THE PROGRAM GONE.
STOP LENGTHENING IT! I MARRIED A CAKE.
I MARRIED THREE RABBIT JELLY MOLDS.
PREFER "CAKE," ESPECIALLY CHOCKY CAKE.
(knocking continues louder) Man: OPEN THE SODDING DOOR! (laughter) NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T SAY "SODDING" ON TELEVISION.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOCK.
SORRY, SIR, BUT THERE'S TROUBLE AT STUDIO FIVE.
YOU'RE IN SECURITY, AREN'T YOU? YES, SIR.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SUGGES PROGRAM TITLES.
SIR, IT'S THE WORLD WAR SERIES IN STUDIO FIVE.
THEY'RE NOT TAKING I SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SUGGES PROGRAM TITLES! LOOK! OW! MIND ME WAR WOUND! THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE ONE! VERY GOOD TITLE! VERY GOOD! GREAT.
MIND ME WAR WOUND.
BRILLIANT.
Fish, bananas, old pajamas, mutton (rumbling) GOD! BLOODY WORLD WAR II SERIES! I HATE THEM! OH, OH, IT'S A SHAME, MATER DAMNED PREDICTABLE.
(torpedo whistles) (plops) JUST LIKE BLOODY (torpedo whistles) (torpedo plops) (torpedo whistles, then plops) DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY! UGH! (star chiming) OH, EVENING STAR IF ONLY WE COULD HAVE A DECENT DAY TOMORROW.
(muttering) OH! THIS WEATHER'S SO WRETCHED AND AWFUL AND FILTHY AND (snoring) (metallic banging) WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING? (motor rumbles) NOW I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP! (snoring) (motor rumbles) (pulley squeaks) (machinery rattles) WHAT WHAT ARE THEY DOING? (snoring) (rattling, buzzing and metallic banging) HUH? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS IT? WHAT WHAT'S GOING ON? (noise continues) (exasperated): OH OH, I CAN'T STAND IT! (noises diminish) (moans) (snoring) (switch snaps on) (alarm rings) ALL RIGHT! THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! I'M GOING TO GET OUT (mutters tensely then gasps) WHAT A LOVELY DAY! OH, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO (yawns) (snores) (music to "Where Does a Dream Begin?"playing) I SAY.
YES, DADDY? CROQUET HOOPS LOOK DAMN PRETTY THIS AFTERNOON.
FRIGHTFULLY DAMN PRETTY.
THEY'RE COMING ALONG AWFULLY WELL THIS YEAR.
YES, BETTER THAN YOUR AUNT LAVINIA'S CROQUET HOOPS.
OH, DREADFUL TIN THINGS.
I DID TELL HER TO STICK TO WOOD.
YES, YOU CAN'T BEAT WOOD.
GORN WHAT'S GORN, DEAR? NOTHING, NOTHING.
NO, I JUST LIKE THE WORD.
IT GIVES ME CONFIDENCE.
GORN GORN IT'S GO A SORT OF WOODY QUALITY ABOUT IT.
GORN GORN MUCH BETTER THAN NEWSPAPER OR LITTER BIN.
FRIGHTFUL WORDS.
PERFECTLY DREADFUL.
NEWSPAPER LITTER BIN.
DREADFUL TINNY SORT OF WORDS.
(shrieking) TIN, TIN, TIN.
OH, DEAR DON'T SAY "TIN" TO REBECCA.
YOU KNOW HOW IT UPSETS HER.
OH, SORRY, OLD HORSE.
(laughter) SAUSAGE.
SAUSAGE! THERE'S A GOOD WOODY SORT OF WORD, SAUSAGE.
GORN ANTELOPE! WHERE? ON THE LAWN? NO, NO, DADDY JUST THE WORD.
DON'T WANT AN ANTELOPE NIBBLING THE HOOPS.
NO, NO, AN-TEL-OPE.
SORT OF NICE AND WOODY TYPE OF THING.
DON'T THINK SO, BECKY, OLD CHAP.
NO, NO.
ANTELOPE, ANTELOPE.
TINNY SORT OF WORD.
(shrieking) OH! SORRY, OLD MAN.
REALLY, MANSFIELD.
WELL, SHE'S GO TO COME TO TERMS WITH THESE THINGS.
(clears throat) SEEMLY.
PRODDING.
VACUUM.
LEAP.
OH! HATE LEAP.
PERFECTLY DREADFUL.
SORT OF P.
V.
C.
SORT OF WORD, DON'T YOU KNOW? LOWER-MIDDLE.
BOUND.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
BOUND.
VOLE.
RECIDIVIST.
BIT TINNY.
(shrieks, then cries) OH, SORRY, BECKY OLD BEAST.
OH, DEAR, I SUPPOSE SHE'LL BE GORN FOR A FEW DAYS NOW.
CARIBOU! SPLENDID WORD! NO, DEAR NIBBLING THE HOOPS.
OH! (laughter) CARIBOU GORN.
INTERCOURSE.
LATER, DEAR.
NO, NO.
THE WORD "INTERCOURSE," GOOD AND WOODY.
INTERCOURSE PERT PERT THIGHS.
BODY, BODY, BODY.
EROGENOUS ZONE (laughs) OH, CONCUBINE! EROGENOUS ZONE LOOSE WOMAN.
EROGENOUS ZONE OH! (audience laughter) OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
(clears throat) YOU KNOW, IT'S A FUNNY THING, DEAR.
ALL THE NAUGHTY WORDS SOUND WOODY.
REALLY, DEAR? HOW ABOUT "TIT"? OH, DEAR.
I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
TIT, TIT.
OH, THAT'S VERY TINNY, ISN'T IT? TIT, TIT.
UGH! TINNY, TINNY.
(shrieks) OH, DEAR.
(clears throat) OCELOT.
WASP.
YOWLING.
OH, DEAR, I'M BORED.
I'D BETTER GO AND HAVE A BATH, I SUPPOSE.
OH, REALLY, MUST YOU DEAR? YOU'VE HAD NINE TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SACK ONE OF THE SERVANTS.
SIMKINS! NASTY TINNY SORT OF NAME.
SIMKINS! I SAY, MATER, CABBAGE CRATES COMING OVER THE BRINY.
SORRY, DEAR, DON'T UNDERSTAND.
UH, COW CATCHERS CREEPING UP ON THE CONNING TOWERS.
NO, SORRY, OLD SPORT.
UM CARIBOU NIBBLING AT THE CROQUET HOOPS.
YES, MANSFIELD SHOT ONE IN THE ANTLERS.
OH, JOLLY GOOD SHOW.
IS, UH, IS BECCA ABOUT? NO, SHE'S GORN OFF.
WHAT A SUPER WOODY SOR OF PHRASE, "GORN OFF.
" YES, SHE'S GORN OFF BECAUSE MANSFIELD SAID "TIN" TO HER.
OH, WHAT ROTTEN LUCK.
OH, WELL, WHOLE AFTERNOON TO KILL.
BETTER HAVE A BATH, I SUPPOSE.
OH, GERVAISE, DO SING ME A SONG.
OH, OKAY.
SOMETHING WOODY.
(softly): FOR (screams): SHE'S GOING TO MARRY YUM-YUM! OH, CRIKEY! THE OLD SONG'S FINISHED HER OFF.
WHAT'S URP? OH, I'M AFRAID MRS.
VERMIN JONES APPEARS TO HAVE PASSED ORN.
DEAD, IS SHE? AFRAID SO.
WHAT A BLOW FOR HER.
WHAT I WAN TO KNOW MRS.
ELIZABETH III IS WHY THEY SHOW US CRAP LIKE THIS WHEN THERE'S BITS OF THE LEICESTER BYPASS THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SHOWN.
BISKWIT? OH! THANK YOU.
(electric charge sizzles) (screams) Man (on television): Appearing on the M2 were (electric charge sizzles) (clownish music plays on television) Bloody repeats! (electric charge sizzles) BLOODY REPEATS! (sizzling) YES, REPEATS OR WAR FILMS MAKES YOU WAN TO MICTURATE.
Announcer (on television): Hello and welcome to Show Jumping OH, MOTO-CROSS! OH, GOOD.
Announcer: JUST ABOUT TO GO INTO A JUMP-OFF AGAINST THE CLOCK.
THE SLIGHT PAUSE IS FOR THE STEWARDS WHO ARE REPAIRING THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS ON 'STREWTH JUST CAUGHT ONE OF THE NUNS AT THE VERY START OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A FINE CLEAR ROUND.
IT'S A FORMIDABLE OBSTACLE, THIS SOUND OF MUSIC EIGHT NUNS HIGH BU THEY'RE READY NOW AND SINGING.
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE (bell rings) Announcer: AND THERE'S THE BELL.
SHE'S GOT 1:07 SECONDS TO BEA BUT SHE NEEDS A CLEAR ROUND TO WIN.
AS SHE COMES TOWARDS THE SOUND OF MUSIC QUITE EXCITING.
HMM.
Announcer: BEAUTIFULLY TAKEN.
AND NOW SHE NEEDS TO PICK UP SPEED FOR OKLAHOMA, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.
THIS IS WHERE ALAN JONES KNOCKED DOWN POOR JUDD ("Oklahoma" playing) YOU NOTICE HOW WE NEVER ACTUALLY SEE THE HORSES JUMP? Announcer: SHE'S TAKEN IT SUPERBLY, SUPERB SHOW JUMPING.
AND SHE'S COMING UP TO THE BLACK AND WHITE MINSTREL SHOW.
WATCH THIS.
Male chorus: FACE THE MUSIC AND THEN Announcer: SHE'S TAKEN IT! SHE'S OVER THE MINSTRELS.
SHE JUST FLICKED LESLIE CROWTHER WITH HER TAIL BUT THE TIME'S GOOD.
AND NOW SHE TURNS BEFORE COMING INTO THE FINAL JUMP.
THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.
IT'S BEN HUR 46 CHARIOTS, 6,000 SPECTATORS, 400 SLAVES LION-HANDLERS I BET WE DON' SEE THIS ONE.
NO.
WE INTERRUPT SHOW JUMPING TO BRING YOU A NEWS FLASH.
THE SECOND WORLD WAR HAS NOW ENTERED A SENTIMENTAL STAGE.
THIS MORNING ON THE ARDENNES FRON THE GERMANS STARTED SPOONING AT DAWN BUT THE BRITISH FIFTH ARMY RESPONDED BY GAZING DEEP INTO THEIR EYES AND THE GERMANS ARE NOW REPORTED TO HAVE GONE ALL COY.
WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? DOES IT START WITH A GOODNIGHT KISS? IS IT CONCEIVED OR SIMPLY ACHIEVED? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? IS IT BORN IN A MOMENT OF BLISS? OR IS IT BEGUN WHEN TWO HEARTS ARE ONE? WHEN DOES A DREAM EXIST? THE VISION OF YOU APPEARS SOMEHOW IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST BUT I'M NOT IMAGINING SEEING YOU FOR WHO COULD HAVE DREAMED OF THIS? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? WHEN REALITY IS DISMISSED? OR DOES IT COMMENCE WHEN WE LOSE ALL PRETENSE? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (laughter) (music ends with a fart) (applause)
FINDING LAUGHTER AND FUN WHEREVER THEY GO.
IT'S WITH THESE TWO HAPPY-GO-LUCKY ROGUES THAT OUR STORY BEGINS.
(tires screeching) (clattering and crashing) FOR IT IS THEY WHO WERE RUN OVER BY ALEX DIAMOND INTERNATIONAL CRIME FIGHTER AND PLAYBOY FAST-MOVING, TOUGH-TALKING AND JUST ONE OF THE MANY HUNDREDS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM LUMBAGO THE ENDEMIC DISEASE ABOUT WHICH NO ONE KNOWS MORE THAN THIS MAN, DR.
EMILE KONING DOCTOR, SURGEON, PROCTOLOGIS AND SELFLESS FIGHTER AGAINST HUMAN SUFFERING WHOSE DOORBELL WAS THE ONE ABOVE THE HERO OF OUR STORY TONIGHT REAR ADMIRAL HUMPHREY DE VERE.
YES, THIS IS THE STORY OF REAR ADMIRAL HUMPHREY DE VERE OR RATHER, THE STORY OF HIS DAUGHTER FOR IT WAS HER COURAGE, FORESIGHT AND UNDERSTANDING THAT ENABLED US TO PROBE BENEATH THE SOPHISTICATED VENEER OF THE ROYAL ARSENAL WOMEN'S COLLEGE, BAGSHO AND LEARN THE TRUE HISTORY OF THIS MAN LEN HANKY CHIROPODIST, VOYEUR, HEN-TEASER THE MAN OF WHOM THE CHAIRMAN OF FIAT ONCE SAID CHE COSA E LO STUCCIACATORI DI POLLI? (phone rings) SI.
Announcer: YES, TONIGHT WE EXAMINE THE CAREER OF GINO AGNELLI THE MAN WHO STARTED FROM NOTHING TO BUILD UP ONE OF THE GREATEST FIRMS IN EUROPE AND WHOSE TELESCOPE WAS BOUGH FROM THE SHOP PART-OWNED BY A MAN WHO, AT THE AGE OF EIGHT, STOLE A PENKNIFE FROM THE SON OF THIS MAN'S BROTHER'S HOUSEKEEPER'S DENTAL HYGIENIST'S UNCLE THE REVEREND CHARLIE "DROOPER" HYPER-SQUAWK SMITH THE CLEFT-PALATED R.
A.
F.
CHAPLAIN WHO, SINGLE-HANDED, SHOT DOWN OVER 500 GERMAN CHAPLAINS.
THIS IS THE STORY OF THE MEN WHO FLEW WITH HIM.
IT REALLY IS.
MORNING, SQUADRON LEADER.
WHAT-HO, SQUIFFY.
HOW WAS IT? TOP HOLE.
BALLY JERRY PRANGED HIS KITE RIGHT IN THE HOW'S-YOUR-FATHER.
HAIRY BLIGHTER DICKY-BIRDIED, FEATHERED BACK ON HIS SAMMY TOOK A WASPY FLIPPED OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER'S AND CAUGHT HIS CAN IN THE BERTIE.
(laughter) ER AFRAID I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW YOU, SQUADRON LEADER.
IT'S PERFECTLY ORDINARY BANTER, SQUIFFY.
BALLY JERRY PRANGED HIS KITE RIGHT IN THE HOW'S-YOUR-FATHER.
HAIRY BLIGHTER DICKY-BIRDIED, FEATHERED BACK ON HIS SAMMY TOOK A WASPY, FLIPPED OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER'S AND CAUGHT HIS CAN IN THE BERTIE.
(laughter) NO, I'M JUST NO UNDERSTANDING BANTER AT ALL WELL TODAY.
GIVE US IT SLOWER.
BANTER'S NOT THE SAME IF YOU SAY IT SLOWER, SQUIFFY.
HOLD ON, THEN.
WINGCO! YES? BEND AN EAR TO THE SQUADRON LEADER'S BANTER.
CAN DO.
JOLLY GOOD.
FIRE AWAY.
(laughter) BALLY JERRY PRANGED HIS KITE RIGHT IN THE HOW'S-YOUR-FATHER.
HAIRY BLIGHTER DICKY-BIRDIED FEATHERED BACK ON HIS SAMMY TOOK A WASPY, FLIPPED OVER ON HIS BETTY HARPER'S AND CAUGHT HIS CAN IN THE BERTIE.
(laughter) NO, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT BANTER AT ALL.
(laughter) IS SOMETHING UP WITH MY BANTER, CHAPS? (air raid siren begins) BUNCH OF MONKEYS ON THE CEILING, SIR! GRAB YOUR EGG AND FOURS AND LET'S GE THE BACON DELIVERED.
(laughter) DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? NO, I DIDN'T GET A WORD OF IT.
(laughter) SORRY, OLD MAN.
WE DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR BANTER.
YOU KNOW BALLY TEN-PENNY ONES DROPPING IN THE CUSTARD! UM CHARLIE CHOPPERS CHUCKING A HANDFUL.
NO, NO, SORRY.
SAY IT A BI SLOWER, OLD CHAP.
SLOWER BANTER, SIR? RA-THER! UM SAUSAGE SQUAD UP THE BLUE END! NO, STILL DON'T GET IT.
UM CABBAGE CRATES COMING OVER THE BRINY? Others: NO, NO, NO.
Announcer: BUT BY THEN IT WAS TOO LATE.
THE FIRST CABBAGE CRATES HIT LONDON ON JULY 7.
THAT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
FIVE SHILLINGS A DOZEN? THAT'S ORDINARY CABBAGES, IS IT? (laughter) AND WHAT ABOUT THE BOMBS? GOOD LORD, THEY ARE EXPENSIVE! SIR! YES, WHAT IS IT? NEWS FROM THE WESTERN FRONT, SIR! YES? BIG ENEMY ATTACK AT DAWN, SIR.
YES? WELL (laughter) THE ENEMY WERE ALL WEARING LITTLE SILVER HALOS, SIR.
AND THEY HAD FAIRY WANDS WITH BIG STARS ON THE END AND AND AND WHAT? AND THEY HAD SPIDERS IN MATCHBOXES, SIR.
GOOD GOD! HOW DID OUR CHAPS REACT? WELL, THEY WERE JOLLY INTERESTED, SIR.
SOME OF THEM I THINK IT WAS THE FOURTH ARMORED BRIGADE, SIR THEY THEY YES? WELL, THEY WENT AND HAD A LOOK AT THE SPIDERS, SIR.
OH, MY GOD.
WELL, THANK YOU, SHIRLEY.
SIR! GET ME THE PRIME MINISTER.
SIR! NOT THAT QUICKLY! SIR! (laughter) GENTLEMEN, IT'S NOW QUITE APPAREN THAT THE ENEMY ARE NOT ONLY FIGHTING THIS WAR ON THE CHEAP BUT THEY'RE ALSO NO TAKING IT SERIOUSLY.
(gruffly): BASTARDS! FIRST THEY DROP CABBAGES INSTEAD OF DECENT BOMBS CRATES WERE PROBABLY QUITE EXPENSIVE, SIR.
QUIET, CRITIC! AND NOW THEY'RE DOING VERY SILLY THINGS IN ONE OF THE MOST VITAL AREAS OF THE WAR.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, SHIRLEY? WELL, WE'VE GOT TO ACT FAS BEFORE IT SAPS MORALE.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THESE CHINESE GERMANS.
THESE GERMANS.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW THEM THAT NO BRITISH SOLDIER WILL DESCEND TO THEIR LEVEL.
ANYONE FOUND TRIVIALIZING THIS WAR WILL FACE THE SUPREME PENALTY THAT MILITARY LAW CAN PROVIDE.
("Pomp and Circumstance" plays) THAT WAS ALL RIGHT, I THINK.
SEEMED TO GO QUITE WELL.
SAPPER WALTERS, YOU STAND BEFORE THIS COUR ACCUSED OF CARRYING ON THE WAR BY OTHER THAN WARLIKE MEANS TO WIT, THAT YOU DID ON APRIL 16, 1942 DRESSED UP AS A BAG OF DAINTIES FLICK WET TOWELS AT THE ENEMY DURING AN IMPORTANT OFFENSIVE.
WELL, SIR.
SHUT UP! COLONEL FAWCET FOR THE PROSECUTION.
(clears his throat) SIR, WE ALL KNOW SHUT UP.
I'M SORRY? CARRY ON.
SIR, WE ALL KNOW THE FACTS OF THE CASE THAT SAPPER WALTERS BEING IN POSSESSION OF EXPENSIVE MILITARY EQUIPMENT TO WIT, ONE LEE ENFIELD.
303 RIFLE AND 72 ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION VALUED AT £140, THREE SHILLINGS AND SIXPENCE CHOSE INSTEAD TO USE WET TOWELS TO TAKE AN ENEMY COMMAND POS IN THE AREA OF BASINGSTOKE.
BASINGSTOKE? BASINGSTOKE IN HAMPSHIRE? NO, NO, NO, SIR, NO.
OH, I SEE CARRY ON.
THE RESULT OF HIS ACTION WAS THAT THE ENEMY RECEIVED BASINGSTOKE WHERE? BASINGSTOKE IN WESTPHALIA, SIR.
OH, I SEE CARRY ON.
THE RESUL OF SAPPER WALTERS'S ACTION WAS THAT THE ENEMY RECEIVED WET PATCHES UPON THEIR TROUSERS AND IN SOME CASES SMALL RED STRAWBERRY MARKS UPON THEIR THIGHS.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A BASINGSTOKE IN WESTPHALIA.
IT'S ON THE MAP, SIR.
WHAT MAP? THE MAP OF WESTPHALIA AS USED BY THE ARMY, SIR.
WELL, I'VE CERTAINLY NEVER HEARD OF BASINGSTOKE IN WESTPHALIA.
IT'S A MUNICIPAL BOROUGH, SIR 27 MILES NORTH-NORTHEAS OF SOUTHAMPTON.
ITS CHIEF MANUFACTURES SOUTHAMPTON IN WESTPHALIA? YES, SIR.
BRICKS, CLOTHING.
NEARBY ARE THE REMAINS OF BASING HOUSE BURNED DOWN BY CROMWELL'S CAVALRY IN 1645 AND WHO WHO COMPILED THIS MAP? COLE PORTER, SIR.
COLE PORTER WHO WROTE KISS ME, KATE? NO, ALAS NOT, SIR.
THIS WAS THE COLE PORTER WHO WROTE "ANYTHING GOES," SIR.
I SHALL SEEK TO PROVE IT'S THE SAME ONE! IN OLDEN DAYS A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING I BEG YOUR PARDON, SIR? IN OLDEN DAYS A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING WAS LOOKED ON AS SOMETHING SHOCKING (off pitch): NOW HEAVEN KNOWS ANYTHING GOES.
NO, THIS ONE'S, UH DIFFERENT, SIR.
HOW DOES IT GO? WHAT, SIR? HOW DOES YOUR "ANYTHING GOES" GO? CAN I GO HOME NOW? SHUT UP! COME ON.
SIR, REALLY, I THINK THIS IS COME ON, HOW DOES YOUR "ANYTHING GOES" GO? (to different tune): ANYTHING GOES IN ANYTHING GOES OUT FISH, BANANAS, OLD PAJAMAS MUTTON, BEEF AND TROUT.
ANYTHING GOES IN NO, THAT'S NOT IT CARRY ON.
WITH RESPECT, SIR, I SHALL SEEK TO PROVE THAT THE MAN BEFORE YOU IN THE DOCK BEING IN POSSESSION OF THE FOLLOWING: ONE PAIR OF ARMY BOOTS, VALUE £3, SEVEN AND SIX; ONE PAIR OF SERGE TROUSERS, VALUE £2, THREE AND SIX; ONE PAIR OF GAITERS, VALUE £68, TEN SHILLINGS £68, TEN SHILLINGS FOR A PAIR OF GAITERS?! THEY WERE SPECIAL GAITERS, SIR.
SPECIAL GAITERS? YES, SIR, THEY WERE MADE IN FRANCE, SIR.
ONE BERET COSTING 14 SHILLINGS WHAT WAS SPECIAL ABOUT THEM? THEY WERE MADE OF A SPECIAL FABRIC, SIR.
THE BUCKLES WERE MADE OF EMPIRE SILVER INSTEAD OF BRASS.
THE TOTAL VALUE OF THE UNIFORM WAS WHY WAS THE ACCUSED WEARING SPECIAL GAITERS? THEY WERE A PRESENTATION PAIR, SIR, FROM THE REGIMENT.
THE TOTAL VALUE OF THE UNIFORM, THEREFORE WHY DID THEY PRESENT HIM WITH A SPECIAL PAIR OF GAITERS? SIR IT SEEMS TO ME TOTALLY IRRELEVANT TO THE CASE WHETHER THE GAITERS WERE PRESENTED TO HIM OR NOT, SIR.
I THINK THE COURT WILL BE ABLE TO JUDGE THAT FOR THEMSELVES.
I WANT TO KNOW WHY THE REGIMEN PRESENTED THE ACCUSED WITH A SPECIAL PAIR OF GAITERS.
HE USED TO DO THINGS FOR THEM, SIR.
THE TOTAL VALUE WHAT THINGS? HE USED TO OBLIGE THEM, SIR.
OBLIGE THEM? YES, SIR.
THE TOTAL VALUE OF THE UNIFORM HOW DID HE OBLIGE THEM? WHAT, SIR? HOW DID HE OBLIGE THEM? HE, UM HE USED TO MAKE THEM HAPPY IN LITTLE WAYS, SIR.
THE TOTAL VALUE DID HE TOUCH THEM AT ALL? SIR! I SUBMIT THAT THIS IS TOTALLY IRRELEVANT.
I WANT TO KNOW HOW HE MADE THEM HAPPY.
HE USED TO RAM THINGS UP THEIR! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) YOU DON'T NEED TO SPELL IT OUT.
WHAT HAS THE ACCUSED GOT TO SAY? WHAT ME? YES, YES, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY? WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY, SIR? I MEAN, HOW CAN I ENCAPSULATE IN MERE WORDS MY SCORN FOR ANY MILITARY SOLUTION THE FUTILITY OF MODERN WARFARE AND THE HYPOCRISY BY WHICH CONTEMPORARY GOVERNMENT APPLIES ONE STANDARD TO VIOLENCE WITHIN THE COMMUNITY AND ANOTHER TO VIOLENCE PERPETRATED BY ONE COMMUNITY UPON ANOTHER? SORRY, BUT MY CLIEN HAS BECOME PRETENTIOUS.
I WILL SAY IN HIS DEFENSE, THOUGH SIR, WE HAVEN'T FINISHED THE PROSECUTION! SHUT UP! I'M IN CHARGE OF THIS COURT.
STAND UP! SIT DOWN! GO MOO! (all moo) SEE? RIGHT, NOW, ON WITH THE PIXIE HATS AND ORDER IN THE SKATING VICAR! (laughter) AND All: ANYTHING GOES IN, ANYTHING GOES OUT FISH, BANANAS, OLD PAJAMAS MUTTON, BEEF AND TROUT ANYTHING GOES IN, ANYTHING GOES OUT FISH, BANANAS, OLD PAJAMAS MUTTON, BEEF AND TROUT.
(dramatic newsreel music plays) (metal clanks) (laughter) Announcer: COMING TO THIS CINEMA SOON THE TENDER, COMPASSIONATE STORY OF ONE MAN'S LOVE FOR ANOTHER MAN IN DRAG.
(calls out) THRILL TO THE EXCITEMENT OF A NIGHT EMISSION OVER GERMANY WHEN THE PILOT, JENNIFER, HAS TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HIS SECRET LOVE FOR LOUIS THE HOT-BLOODEDLY BISEXUAL NAVIGATOR AND ANDY, THE REAR GUNNER WHO, THOUGH QUITE ASSERTIVE WITH GIRLS TENDS TO TAKE THE SUBMISSIVE ROLE IN HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN.
AND SENSATIONAL MEXICAN STARLE ROSETTA NIXON PLAYS THE HEAD OF BOMBER COMMAND WHOSE PASSION FOR SEA BIRDS ENDS IN TRAGEDY.
WITH GINGER, AS THE HALF-MAN, HALF-WOMAN PARRO WHOSE UNNATURAL INSTINCTS BROUGHT FORBIDDEN LOVE TO THE AVIARY.
AND ROGER AS PIP, THE HALF- PARROT, HALF-MAN, HALF-WOMAN THREE-QUARTER BADGER, EX-BIGAMIST NEGRO PREACHER FOR WHOM BAN JO-PLAYING WAS VERY DIFFICULT.
AND HE NEVER MASTERED I ALTHOUGH HE TOOK SEVERAL COURSES AND WENT TO BAN JO COLLEGE, UH AND EVERYTHING.
DON'T MISS IT! COMING TO YOUR CINEMA SOON.
ONLY FIVE MINUTES FROM THIS RESTAURANT.
BUT NOW (plays chords) IT'S (heavy metal rolling) (clatters) (bell chimes) (scratchy recording of Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) ("Liberty Bell March" continues crisply and loudly) U.
S.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS.]
(music ends with a fart) (clownish music playing on television) BLOODY REPEATS! (electric charge sizzles) YES, REPEATS OR WAR FILMS.
IT REALLY MAKES YOU WAN TO MICTURATE.
PEOPLE ON TELEVISION TREA THE GENERAL PUBLIC LIKE IDIOTS.
WELL, WE ARE IDIOTS.
OH, NO WE ARE NOT! WELL, I AM.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN IDIOT? OH, I CAN SHOW YOU.
HOW? LOOK.
OOH! (laughter) (sniffing) (crunches) (laughter) (laughter) (yelping high-pitched sounds) OOH, WEE! OOH, WEE! YOU SEE, THE PUBLIC ARE IDIOTS.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST SHOW THEM THE LAST FIVE MILES OF THE M2.
THEY'D WATCH IT, EH? (all grumble) AT LAST, THEY DONE BEEN PUT ON SOMETHING INTERESTING.
OH, MOS INTERESTING.
OUR FIGURES SHOW CONCLUSIVELY THAT THESE MOTORWAYS ARE EXTREMELY POPULAR.
I MEAN, LAST TIME WE SHOWED A REPEA OF THE LEICESTER BYPASSS OUR RATINGS GAVE US 97,300,912 AND ITV NOUGHT.
SO I DO FEEL THAT WE OUGHT TO GIVE "B" ROADS THEIR OWN SERIES.
I'M SORRY, WE JUST CAN' GIVE YOU A BIGGER BUDGET.
BUDGIE? NO, HE'S LEFT.
OH, OH.
WHY NOT? WE'RE ONLY ONE SLICE OF THE CAKE, YOU KNOW.
WOULDN'T MIND A SLICE OF CAKE NICE CHOCOLATE CAKE DELICIOUS.
I HAD A BUDGIE ONCE, YOU KNOW.
LOVELY LITTLE BUDGIE, AMUSING LITTLE CHAP.
HE USED TO STICK HIS HEAD IN A BELL.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME, NOW? JOEY, UH KENNEDY? XERXES? WE COULD REPEAT THEM.
REHEAT THEM? NO, REPEAT THEM.
YOU DON'T REHEAT CAKES NOT CHOCOLATE CAKES.
WHAT, REPEA THE CAKES? MR.
HEATH! WHAT! THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE BUDGIE.
GOOD LORD, THE BAR'S OPEN.
OH! OH! OH! GREAT OFF! OH, NO.
NO IT ISN'T.
I WAS LOOKING AT THE LITTLE HAND THAT GOES ROUND AWFULLY FAST.
(audience laughter) BLAST! BLAST! I'VE GOT IT.
WE CAN RETITLE THE REPEATS.
WHAT? GIVE THEM DIFFEREN NAMES? WOULDN'T THAT MEAN RETITLING THEM? BRILLIANT! OH, RIGHT.
ALL WE NEED IS NEW TITLES AND THEY MUS BE DAMNED NEW.
HOW ABOUT DAD'S NAVY? HMM, GOOD, GOOD.
UP YOUR MOTHER NEXT DOOR.
EVEN BETTER.
DOCTOR AT BEE! WHAT? WHAT? (knock at door) SOMEONE'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
QUITE LIKE IT.
BIT LONG, THOUGH, I THINK.
FAR TOO LONG.
I MARRIED LUCY.
OH, HASN'T THA BEEN DONE? OH, YES, A LONG TIME AGO.
BUT THEY'D NEVER REMEMBER IT.
DOCTOR AT THREE.
(over knocking): I THINK SOMEONE'S KNOCKING AT THE DOOR.
WELL, THAT'S EVEN LONGER.
I MARRIED A TREE.
AND MOTHER MAKES TREE.
DOCTOR AT CAKE.
(knocking continues) LOOK, I'M NO ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN BUT, WELL, I DO RATHER GET THE IMPRESSION THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ACTUALLY KNOCKING AT THE DOOR AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS HALF THE PROGRAM GONE.
STOP LENGTHENING IT! I MARRIED A CAKE.
I MARRIED THREE RABBIT JELLY MOLDS.
PREFER "CAKE," ESPECIALLY CHOCKY CAKE.
(knocking continues louder) Man: OPEN THE SODDING DOOR! (laughter) NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T SAY "SODDING" ON TELEVISION.
NO, NO.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOCK.
SORRY, SIR, BUT THERE'S TROUBLE AT STUDIO FIVE.
YOU'RE IN SECURITY, AREN'T YOU? YES, SIR.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SUGGES PROGRAM TITLES.
SIR, IT'S THE WORLD WAR SERIES IN STUDIO FIVE.
THEY'RE NOT TAKING I SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SUGGES PROGRAM TITLES! LOOK! OW! MIND ME WAR WOUND! THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE ONE! VERY GOOD TITLE! VERY GOOD! GREAT.
MIND ME WAR WOUND.
BRILLIANT.
Fish, bananas, old pajamas, mutton (rumbling) GOD! BLOODY WORLD WAR II SERIES! I HATE THEM! OH, OH, IT'S A SHAME, MATER DAMNED PREDICTABLE.
(torpedo whistles) (plops) JUST LIKE BLOODY (torpedo whistles) (torpedo plops) (torpedo whistles, then plops) DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY! UGH! (star chiming) OH, EVENING STAR IF ONLY WE COULD HAVE A DECENT DAY TOMORROW.
(muttering) OH! THIS WEATHER'S SO WRETCHED AND AWFUL AND FILTHY AND (snoring) (metallic banging) WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING? (motor rumbles) NOW I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP! (snoring) (motor rumbles) (pulley squeaks) (machinery rattles) WHAT WHAT ARE THEY DOING? (snoring) (rattling, buzzing and metallic banging) HUH? WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS IT? WHAT WHAT'S GOING ON? (noise continues) (exasperated): OH OH, I CAN'T STAND IT! (noises diminish) (moans) (snoring) (switch snaps on) (alarm rings) ALL RIGHT! THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT! I'M GOING TO GET OUT (mutters tensely then gasps) WHAT A LOVELY DAY! OH, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO (yawns) (snores) (music to "Where Does a Dream Begin?"playing) I SAY.
YES, DADDY? CROQUET HOOPS LOOK DAMN PRETTY THIS AFTERNOON.
FRIGHTFULLY DAMN PRETTY.
THEY'RE COMING ALONG AWFULLY WELL THIS YEAR.
YES, BETTER THAN YOUR AUNT LAVINIA'S CROQUET HOOPS.
OH, DREADFUL TIN THINGS.
I DID TELL HER TO STICK TO WOOD.
YES, YOU CAN'T BEAT WOOD.
GORN WHAT'S GORN, DEAR? NOTHING, NOTHING.
NO, I JUST LIKE THE WORD.
IT GIVES ME CONFIDENCE.
GORN GORN IT'S GO A SORT OF WOODY QUALITY ABOUT IT.
GORN GORN MUCH BETTER THAN NEWSPAPER OR LITTER BIN.
FRIGHTFUL WORDS.
PERFECTLY DREADFUL.
NEWSPAPER LITTER BIN.
DREADFUL TINNY SORT OF WORDS.
(shrieking) TIN, TIN, TIN.
OH, DEAR DON'T SAY "TIN" TO REBECCA.
YOU KNOW HOW IT UPSETS HER.
OH, SORRY, OLD HORSE.
(laughter) SAUSAGE.
SAUSAGE! THERE'S A GOOD WOODY SORT OF WORD, SAUSAGE.
GORN ANTELOPE! WHERE? ON THE LAWN? NO, NO, DADDY JUST THE WORD.
DON'T WANT AN ANTELOPE NIBBLING THE HOOPS.
NO, NO, AN-TEL-OPE.
SORT OF NICE AND WOODY TYPE OF THING.
DON'T THINK SO, BECKY, OLD CHAP.
NO, NO.
ANTELOPE, ANTELOPE.
TINNY SORT OF WORD.
(shrieking) OH! SORRY, OLD MAN.
REALLY, MANSFIELD.
WELL, SHE'S GO TO COME TO TERMS WITH THESE THINGS.
(clears throat) SEEMLY.
PRODDING.
VACUUM.
LEAP.
OH! HATE LEAP.
PERFECTLY DREADFUL.
SORT OF P.
V.
C.
SORT OF WORD, DON'T YOU KNOW? LOWER-MIDDLE.
BOUND.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING.
BOUND.
VOLE.
RECIDIVIST.
BIT TINNY.
(shrieks, then cries) OH, SORRY, BECKY OLD BEAST.
OH, DEAR, I SUPPOSE SHE'LL BE GORN FOR A FEW DAYS NOW.
CARIBOU! SPLENDID WORD! NO, DEAR NIBBLING THE HOOPS.
OH! (laughter) CARIBOU GORN.
INTERCOURSE.
LATER, DEAR.
NO, NO.
THE WORD "INTERCOURSE," GOOD AND WOODY.
INTERCOURSE PERT PERT THIGHS.
BODY, BODY, BODY.
EROGENOUS ZONE (laughs) OH, CONCUBINE! EROGENOUS ZONE LOOSE WOMAN.
EROGENOUS ZONE OH! (audience laughter) OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.
(clears throat) YOU KNOW, IT'S A FUNNY THING, DEAR.
ALL THE NAUGHTY WORDS SOUND WOODY.
REALLY, DEAR? HOW ABOUT "TIT"? OH, DEAR.
I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.
TIT, TIT.
OH, THAT'S VERY TINNY, ISN'T IT? TIT, TIT.
UGH! TINNY, TINNY.
(shrieks) OH, DEAR.
(clears throat) OCELOT.
WASP.
YOWLING.
OH, DEAR, I'M BORED.
I'D BETTER GO AND HAVE A BATH, I SUPPOSE.
OH, REALLY, MUST YOU DEAR? YOU'VE HAD NINE TODAY.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SACK ONE OF THE SERVANTS.
SIMKINS! NASTY TINNY SORT OF NAME.
SIMKINS! I SAY, MATER, CABBAGE CRATES COMING OVER THE BRINY.
SORRY, DEAR, DON'T UNDERSTAND.
UH, COW CATCHERS CREEPING UP ON THE CONNING TOWERS.
NO, SORRY, OLD SPORT.
UM CARIBOU NIBBLING AT THE CROQUET HOOPS.
YES, MANSFIELD SHOT ONE IN THE ANTLERS.
OH, JOLLY GOOD SHOW.
IS, UH, IS BECCA ABOUT? NO, SHE'S GORN OFF.
WHAT A SUPER WOODY SOR OF PHRASE, "GORN OFF.
" YES, SHE'S GORN OFF BECAUSE MANSFIELD SAID "TIN" TO HER.
OH, WHAT ROTTEN LUCK.
OH, WELL, WHOLE AFTERNOON TO KILL.
BETTER HAVE A BATH, I SUPPOSE.
OH, GERVAISE, DO SING ME A SONG.
OH, OKAY.
SOMETHING WOODY.
(softly): FOR (screams): SHE'S GOING TO MARRY YUM-YUM! OH, CRIKEY! THE OLD SONG'S FINISHED HER OFF.
WHAT'S URP? OH, I'M AFRAID MRS.
VERMIN JONES APPEARS TO HAVE PASSED ORN.
DEAD, IS SHE? AFRAID SO.
WHAT A BLOW FOR HER.
WHAT I WAN TO KNOW MRS.
ELIZABETH III IS WHY THEY SHOW US CRAP LIKE THIS WHEN THERE'S BITS OF THE LEICESTER BYPASS THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SHOWN.
BISKWIT? OH! THANK YOU.
(electric charge sizzles) (screams) Man (on television): Appearing on the M2 were (electric charge sizzles) (clownish music plays on television) Bloody repeats! (electric charge sizzles) BLOODY REPEATS! (sizzling) YES, REPEATS OR WAR FILMS MAKES YOU WAN TO MICTURATE.
Announcer (on television): Hello and welcome to Show Jumping OH, MOTO-CROSS! OH, GOOD.
Announcer: JUST ABOUT TO GO INTO A JUMP-OFF AGAINST THE CLOCK.
THE SLIGHT PAUSE IS FOR THE STEWARDS WHO ARE REPAIRING THE SOUND OF MUSIC.
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS ON 'STREWTH JUST CAUGHT ONE OF THE NUNS AT THE VERY START OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A FINE CLEAR ROUND.
IT'S A FORMIDABLE OBSTACLE, THIS SOUND OF MUSIC EIGHT NUNS HIGH BU THEY'RE READY NOW AND SINGING.
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE (bell rings) Announcer: AND THERE'S THE BELL.
SHE'S GOT 1:07 SECONDS TO BEA BUT SHE NEEDS A CLEAR ROUND TO WIN.
AS SHE COMES TOWARDS THE SOUND OF MUSIC QUITE EXCITING.
HMM.
Announcer: BEAUTIFULLY TAKEN.
AND NOW SHE NEEDS TO PICK UP SPEED FOR OKLAHOMA, BUT NOT TOO MUCH.
THIS IS WHERE ALAN JONES KNOCKED DOWN POOR JUDD ("Oklahoma" playing) YOU NOTICE HOW WE NEVER ACTUALLY SEE THE HORSES JUMP? Announcer: SHE'S TAKEN IT SUPERBLY, SUPERB SHOW JUMPING.
AND SHE'S COMING UP TO THE BLACK AND WHITE MINSTREL SHOW.
WATCH THIS.
Male chorus: FACE THE MUSIC AND THEN Announcer: SHE'S TAKEN IT! SHE'S OVER THE MINSTRELS.
SHE JUST FLICKED LESLIE CROWTHER WITH HER TAIL BUT THE TIME'S GOOD.
AND NOW SHE TURNS BEFORE COMING INTO THE FINAL JUMP.
THIS IS A TOUGH ONE.
IT'S BEN HUR 46 CHARIOTS, 6,000 SPECTATORS, 400 SLAVES LION-HANDLERS I BET WE DON' SEE THIS ONE.
NO.
WE INTERRUPT SHOW JUMPING TO BRING YOU A NEWS FLASH.
THE SECOND WORLD WAR HAS NOW ENTERED A SENTIMENTAL STAGE.
THIS MORNING ON THE ARDENNES FRON THE GERMANS STARTED SPOONING AT DAWN BUT THE BRITISH FIFTH ARMY RESPONDED BY GAZING DEEP INTO THEIR EYES AND THE GERMANS ARE NOW REPORTED TO HAVE GONE ALL COY.
WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? DOES IT START WITH A GOODNIGHT KISS? IS IT CONCEIVED OR SIMPLY ACHIEVED? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? IS IT BORN IN A MOMENT OF BLISS? OR IS IT BEGUN WHEN TWO HEARTS ARE ONE? WHEN DOES A DREAM EXIST? THE VISION OF YOU APPEARS SOMEHOW IMPOSSIBLE TO RESIST BUT I'M NOT IMAGINING SEEING YOU FOR WHO COULD HAVE DREAMED OF THIS? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? WHEN REALITY IS DISMISSED? OR DOES IT COMMENCE WHEN WE LOSE ALL PRETENSE? WHEN DOES A DREAM BEGIN? (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) (laughter) (music ends with a fart) (applause)