My Family (2000) s04e03 Episode Script

- What's that? - Condoms.
I prefer Weetabix.
It's for Michael.
I found a condom hidden in his wallet.
- What were you doing in his wallet? - Don't pry, Ben.
Michael's at an age now where sex is an issue.
I want him to talk about it.
And so he will, in 20 years' time, to a therapist.
There's nothing wrong with bringing things out in to the open.
Oh, yes like you oh so casually left these sex manuals around for Nick.
They were for you.
- Morning, dear.
- Morning.
Don't look at me.
- Michael, where are you going? - Bolivia.
Well, at least we're talking.
Fell off the toilet seat.
Again.
- You promised to fix that toilet.
- I did.
- When did you fix it? - I haven't.
I meant I did promise to fix it.
- That toilet is a deathtrap.
- (Phone rings) - I'll fix it today.
- Too late.
I've already been today.
- Please! - Hello.
Yes.
I see.
All right.
- Who was that? - Shut up! How is your mother? - She's invited herself for dinner tonight.
- Oh, d No! (Rants) No! I don't like it any more than you do.
Neither do I.
So let's just try to make the best of it.
Oh, yes.
OK.
Jolly good.
I'll write it down on the board.
Dinner with the devil.
She can't be that bad.
Hmm She's like Susan.
With 20 years more experience.
Ha ha ha Don't even think about trying to get out of it.
I need you to be here.
- Why me? She hates me.
- Exactly.
You can draw her fire.
Ben, do you have a moment? I seem to have a problem, and I need your advice.
Get out of dentistry while you're still young.
(Laughs) Didn't I tell you he was clever, Mrs Gurney? I've told her all about the famous Ben Harper wit.
(Chuckles) Yes, well Mrs Gurney is complaining that her dentures don't fit, - but they seem to fit fine.
- Oh, they fit in my mouth all right.
- It's just they don't fit in my glass.
- What? Get yourself a bigger glass.
Oh, thank you.
I told you he was good.
I owe you one.
Actually, Roger, there is something you can do for me.
Anything, Ben.
You just name it.
If you need a kidney, it's yours.
It's fine, Roger.
I just need you to tell a teeny lie for me.
- Oh, I couldn't lie.
- You said, anything.
Yes.
Yes, I did, didn't I? This presents quite a dilemma.
Are you sure you don't need a kidney? I've got two.
Look, Roger.
It's not a lie-lie.
It's more of a story-lie.
I need you to call at exactly 6:30 this evening and tell me there's an emergency at the surgery.
If there's an emergency, I'm sure I can handle it.
No, no.
Not a real one.
Thank goodness.
I don't think I could have handled it.
- You hear the phone ring? - No.
Did you? No, no.
Can't be too sure, though, can you? I don't hear from my mother for months, then out of the blue, she calls.
I wonder what she wants.
Your wonderful chicken tikka meringue.
Yum! Dinner's a smoke screen.
It's obvious she's not just after a nice meal.
Obviously.
Well, I can tell you one thing.
I won't let her drag me into an argument.
- Good.
- Whatever she does, I will be totally Zen.
Probably for the best, yeah.
I am an island of peace, in a stream of serenity.
Oh, what the hell is wrong with my hair? - What happened to the Zen master? - She's freaking out.
- Have you been on the phone upstairs? - No.
- Oh.
Susan, what time is it? - 6:32.
God, she'll be here any minute.
Abi, does my hair look relaxed? Maybe you should wear a hat.
(Phone rings) - I'll get it.
- I've got it.
Sorry I've got it.
Hello? Roger Hi, Rog.
Yeah.
What? Emergency at the surgery? There's an emergency at the surgery.
No, well Rog, a bit tied up at the moment, mate.
I got dinner with the mother-in-law.
Can't really What? There's a lot of blood.
- I'll do my best, Rog, but - (Door bell) That's her.
Could you answer the door? I'll check on the chicken.
I'll do my best.
It's all right, Rog, you can't let the man die, can you? Roger, pull yourself together.
Calm down, man.
Hi, Abi.
- Is Ben here? - Yeah.
He's right over there, talking to you.
- You think you can handle it, Roger? - OK.
OK? - What are you doing here? - I'm calling at 6:30, just as we agreed.
I meant on the phone, you idiot.
Get out! Well, since I'm here, perhaps I could talk to Abi.
Hello, Abi.
You look nice.
Who was that? - No one.
- Roger.
Roger ringing from the mobile to say there's an emergency.
I have to go.
Can't he handle it? Well, he's not qualified for that part of the mouth.
You're saying that to avoid dinner with my mother.
Susan, there's a man dying out there alone in a dental chair.
And if I don't help him, nobody will.
I don't like this any more than you do, Susan, but sometimes a dentist has to do what a dentist has to do.
(Television) 'So while the Egyptian fruit bat can roost in groups as small as two 'These Mexican bats can roost in colonies of 8 million.
' (Knock on the door) (Squeaky voice) Who is it? Nick, It's me.
Are you sure you're not the landlord? Open the door, you pillock.
- You sound like the landlord.
- Nick! Ha.
That's funny, cos I thought you were the landlord, and you thought I was a woman.
(lmitating) It's really funny that, yeah.
- What's the landlord doing after you? - He's always looking for the rent.
He is sneaky that way.
- Nick, I pay the rent.
- Indeed you do.
- You are giving him the money I pay? - Of course.
Because if I find out you're pocketing the money I pay you, I'll kill you.
Relax, Dad.
You won't find out from me.
- Oho, pizza.
I'm starving.
- It's my pizza.
- It's my place.
- I pay the rent.
Well played.
Just need a few hours here, while the Gorgon's at the house.
And you chose to be with me.
I'm touched.
It was karaoke night at the pub, and some guy stared at me at the station.
I don't care.
All that matters is that you're here, with me Daddy.
Get off! Get off! Look.
If you just let me watch the telly, I'll give you one slice.
So, does Mum know you're over here, hiding out from dear old Gran? - Well played.
- Like father, like son.
Don't ever say that ever again.
- Hm.
Napkin? - Ta.
Ahh! For God's sake! That's your piece ruined.
I've got to wash this shirt before I go home.
Where's - The loo's that way.
- This better come out as well.
Urgggh! Urgggh! We've had the bathroom redone.
I painted it myself.
So you actually chose this colour? Did they run out of everything else? Yes.
It was the last can of paint in England.
Thank God I got there in time.
I like this colour.
You have a problem with that? Believe me, dear.
It's not my problem.
Maybe we should eat.
It'll soak up some of that acid.
"Ultra Ribbed"? Haven't you ever heard of potpourri? Those are for Michael.
I want him to feel OK about his sexuality.
Why? Is he a jessie? Look, you! It's important I communicate with my children about anything.
And what book did you get that one out of? It wasn't in a book.
It was in a magazine, actually.
Good job we're in the loo.
I am about to puke.
Spare me.
You know, I remember the first time you tried to teach me about sex.
You sat with a Martini in one hand and a glove puppet you called Mr Winkle.
I was only trying to help.
In front of my first boyfriend? Whatever.
And now, if you will excuse me Oh, yes, of course.
We have to make room for more Martinis.
(Deep voice) Hello, Susan.
My name is Mr Winkle, and I'm your worst enemy.
- (Crash and scream) - Mum? (Ben) Hi, darling.
Sorry I'm late.
A little longer than I thought, you know.
Mmmm Baby, you smell nice.
You feel nice.
Mmm How about a little spoon action? And I'm not talking teaspoon.
Oh, God! Oh, God! (Spits) Susan! - Susan! - What? What is it? - What is your mother doing up there? - She's sleeping.
Let me rephrase that.
What the hell is your mother doing up there? - She's staying the night, all right? - No.
It's not all right.
Why Susan, why didn't you tell me? Because you weren't here.
Don't you I'm Dargggh! I'm really upset at you right now.
She hurt her leg, falling off the toilet seat which you didn't fix, so it's your fault.
- There's no need to blame anyone.
- You were just blaming me.
I wasn't blaming you, I said I was upset at you and there's a difference.
- What happened? - I'd rather not talk about it right now.
OK.
Good night.
Susan, I very nearly had sexual intercourse with your mother.
- What? - I didn't know she was there.
I thought it was you.
Oh! Ben, that's that's that's terrible.
- And funny at the same time.
- It is not funny.
- Oh, come on.
It's a little bit funny.
- We nearly became a Greek tragedy.
Look, I don't want her here any more than you do, but she's in pain and can't move.
Oh, yeah.
Are you sure she's not faking it? I don't know.
You tell me.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
So, what do you suggest we do about her? Avoid eye contact, and tell her she dreamt it.
Not that.
I mean, seeing her there so helpless, made me realise that, sooner or later, she's going to be too old to look after herself.
Oh, well There's always nursing homes.
We can just bury her in the garden.
- She could go by the hydrangeas.
- No, I was kidding.
What if your kids weren't here for you? Be a dream come true.
- Wow.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
What's this? Paper, breakfast.
Oh, look at this.
Sausages bacon, too.
Wow! - I just wanted to apologise.
- It's all right, it's all right.
- I may be the one who overreacted.
- Not for last night.
For today.
What? You're going to look after my mother while I'm at work.
But today's Saturday.
- A tour came up.
- What kind of tour? An emergency tour.
Oh, and could you take this tray up to Mother? Don't ever use the words "take up" and "mother" in the same sentence.
Morning.
I'm not having sex, if that's what you mean.
Susan, why don't you stay here and I'll take the tour? Thanks for looking after Mother.
Oh, and, Ben, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Ben! - Hello.
- Hello.
Listen, um Grace, about last night.
You needn't bother.
There's no reason to discuss last night.
I shall take it with me to my grave.
The sooner the better.
- What did you say? - I hope you get better sooner.
I'm thankful to see that you're now dressed.
Look, Grace, I'm really sorry.
I feel awful.
I didn't know you were here.
Oh, Ben.
I seem to be missing a spoon.
Look, Grace.
I'm really sorry, OK? You have no idea how sorry I am.
I forgive you, and your urges.
I'll be downstairs, if you want anything.
What's that supposed to mean? I mean if you want a glass of water or a cup of tea.
I'll just be down if you want Never mind.
Just forget it.
Actually, I would like a cup of tea.
Fine.
Be right back.
(Breathes out strongly) Uh, Dad Coaster goes under bottle.
It's a cardboard box.
Yeah, but it's an antique.
My interior designer says cardboard is the new walnut.
If you live in a storage unit.
- My gaff, my rules.
- OK.
OK.
- Any other rules I should know about? - I'm glad you asked.
I made you a list.
Oooh, lovely.
Oh, look.
It's in alphabetical order.
Hey! You constantly broke the rules in my house.
- Never! - Nick, you built a moat.
OK.
One rule.
- You put a sunroof in the kitchen.
- It didn't rain.
You took a baby elephant into your bedroom.
- Was that against the rules? - Yes.
Pfff.
I knew my circus days would come back to haunt me.
What did Gran want this time? She wanted to call me an idiot, and then she hit me.
She likes you.
I can't take much more of this.
All this negative energy is stressing me out.
And Ben's not even in the house.
I know how to relieve that stress.
A massage.
Get away from me! I'm not interested in you.
I've got a date with Fiona later.
I'm trying to help.
See, a massage is all about pressure points.
Releasing all that toxic energy and helping you reach an inner peace.
Well, that sounds OK.
Course, you'll have to be naked.
Forget it.
You're not going anywhere near my inner peace.
How's Gran doing? I think she's feeling better.
She hit Abi and called me "virgin boy".
- Where's your father? - I haven't seen him.
- He's supposed to be looking after Gran.
- Maybe she's killed him.
What a perfect excuse for him.
Listen, Michael.
Michael - We need to talk.
- What now? You bought me a hooker? Damn, you've ruined my surprise.
No.
I've been thinking.
One day, Mummy and Daddy will be old.
You're already old.
- I mean older.
- How much older can you get? There may come a time when I need to be taken care of by my children, and I just want you to be prepared to accept your responsibilities.
You mean, switch off the machine? Mother? Ow! - Oh, I'm so sorry.
I was just - Seeing if I was faking it? No.
You're not, are you? Yes.
Of course I am.
I want to stay here forever, so I can enjoy more of your gourmet cooking, delight in the company of your gracious children, and fend off the unwanted advances of your lecherous husband.
Hey.
Don't mock my cooking, Mother.
I knew I was in for it, the moment you came out sideways.
I've I've been thinking about this, and I want you to stay here as long as it takes for you to get better.
- What? - You heard me.
And I want you to know that I'm l'm here for you.
- I didn't quite catch that last bit.
- Don't push it.
Well Now that you are here for me I'll give you a to-do list.
You can start by clearing up this mess, and then bring me that cup of tea I ordered three hours ago.
You do know how to boil water, don't you? Anything for you, Mummy.
(Chuckles) I love those cookery shows.
It's David Attenborough.
Where's this Chinese food? I'm starving.
Don't mind the mess.
The cleaner comes on Tuesdays.
- So this is your place? - It's really more of a bachelor pad.
The place where I come to unwind from the daily stress of life.
Cool.
- Do you want to unwind? - OK.
I guess.
- We can both unwind on the couch.
- (Giggles) Oh, my God! Take all you want, just don't hurt the girl.
Run, Fiona! - Hi, Michael.
- The burglar knows your name.
- Yeah, I'm Michael's father, Ben.
- Hi.
- I'm Fiona.
- I'll call the police.
You have to admire the little nipper for still trying.
Does your mother know you're here? - Does my mother know you're here? - OK.
Let's start again.
I didn't want to bring my date home, and have Mum offer us biscuits and condoms.
Why are you here? It's the last place she'd think to find me.
- Nick, I gave you money for a film.
- I know.
I rented Stuart Little 2.
- I love that talking mouse.
- You're meant to go to a film.
There's been some confusion, so I've got the solution.
Everybody leave.
Oh, so this isn't really your place, then? You picked a bright one there, Mikey.
Yeah, tell me she's got an older sister.
This is ridiculous.
How many people have to die before you fix this? Haaa.
You're having a party? That's a great idea.
As long as we play Twister.
I know.
I've got a good game.
Let's play Watch The Telly.
Right.
We all watch the telly, and the first person to stop loses.
- So, still up for it? - Cool.
- Let's play Twister.
- (Knock on the door) - (Susan) Nick, dear, it's Mummy.
- Oh, God! - (Susan) Nick! - We left her all alone with her mother.
- I am ashamed of you all.
- We abandoned her at a time of need.
You're right, Mikey.
You're right.
- She deserves better than this.
- What are we going to do? Hide! - Hello, Nick, dear.
- Hello, Mum.
- I was just in the area.
- How is the Granster? I can't stand being around that woman.
I mean, I've tried to be a good daughter.
I invited her to stay, for God's sake.
But look at me.
Look at me! I'm breaking out in hives.
I can't stand it.
But Gran's fine.
So, Mum, would you like to stay for dinner? No, thanks.
I'll just stay for a nice cup of tea.
- (Howling noises) - Oh.
Did you hear something? Yes.
I have owls.
Stuart Little 2.
I'd really like to watch that film.
Twice.
All right.
OK.
All right.
I can explain.
Michael's here with a girl.
- Hey.
- Help! I'm trapped.
Yep.
You and me both, kid.
- Hi, I'm Fiona.
- Hi.
- (Knock on the door) - (Squeaky voice) Who is it? - Take away.
- Are you sure you're not the landlord? - Are you hungry or not? - Fairly.
Why don't you come in? Everyone else is.
Susan, I'm sorry.
I know, I panicked and I deserted you.
I'm really sorry.
But look around you, Susan.
Please.
Is this the refuge of a sane man? Come on.
I need sympathy instead of This is not working, is it? If you like it so much, why don't you stay for a week or two? - Not that, Susan.
For God's sake.
- No.
Don't spoil the moment.
Who's gonna pay? - Believe me, I will.
- For years to come.
All right, let's eat.
Everyone form a queue.
My gaff, my rules.
Hey, save some for me.
(Sings a cheerful song) Hello, Granny.
Very impressive.
Very impressive, but I invented that one.
Like hell you did.
I've got more tricks up my sleeve than you can imagine.
Care to share a few with the ol' grandson? - I'll leave them to you in my will.
- Don't do that.
I just want the money.
I admire that.
What you doing here anyway? My place was a little crowded.
Owl infestation.
You know, you really had Mum worried with the old Yes, well You won't understand this, but your mother and I have battled for years, and now I am getting old.
So I thought if I could just break down some barriers, and get her to ask me to stay, then I could turn round and tell her she could stick it.
You don't have to worry.
I'll stay here with you so you'll never be lonely.
Wanna play Twister? Yes, well, tell your mother I'll call her.
Ha ha.
Amateur.
- Come on, Ben.
- Not now, Susan.
I'm not in the mood.
It's been almost a week.
I can't get your mother's face out of my head.
She's gone, OK? Something happened, then.
Say that again.
- She's gone.
- Yeah, that's working.
- She's gone.
She's gone.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- She's gone.
She's gone.
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! - She's gone.
- Mmmm! This bed smells like my mother.
I may never have sex again.