NewsRadio (1995) s04e03 Episode Script

- Hey, good morning, you guys.
- [ Together .]
Good morning, Andrea.
Um, Dave, Lisa, I would like you to meet Steve Johnson.
I've brought Steve in to help out a little bit.
Hi.
Well, I guess two efficiency experts are better than one.
Oh, yeah.
That oughta increase our overall efficiency coefficient by at least 2.
3%.
[ Laughs, Squeals .]
You! [ Chuckles .]
[ Chuckles .]
No, actually, I didn't bring Steve in to help me.
I brought him in to help you, Dave.
Oh, so Steve will be assisting me, huh? Okay, well, that's a cute way of looking at it.
Um, actually, Steve here is gonna take over half your job.
Well, I guess we should just take this down.
This is so depressing.
Yeah, well, Joe, if I remember correctly, that's what you said when we put that photo up.
Well, how did Matthew get to be employee of the month anyway? - I remember we all voted.
- Uh, no, we were supposed to vote, but as I recall it, there were two votes for Matthew, 15 for "employee of the month sucks," and eight simply said, "Baba Booey.
" Dave, how could you let that efficiency-expert woman fire Matthew? Look, Beth, I'm doing everything I can right now, but I've got bigger issues to deal with, all right? Beth, no.
Matthew, what are you doing here? You know what it is, David? It's this whole thing with that-- that Andrea woman.
You know.
Firing you? Exactly.
Really, I-- I don't know what to do.
Well, for starters, you should stop coming in here.
Oh, Dave-- No, look.
I'm trying really hard to get you your job back.
I know.
I know.
I know.
But if Andrea sees you hanging around here, she's never gonna hire you back, all right? Okay.
So for your own good, please just go home.
Go home.
Thanks.
[ Sighs .]
Matthew! What are you doing? Dave, I just need to know, am I, like, fired or am I, like, fired? Matthew, try to-- I mean, try to understand-- Hi.
Oh.
Oh, hey, Andrea.
How are ya? [ Groans .]
Good.
Uh, sorry to keep you waiting.
Oh, no, that's fine.
Steve wanted to get all his personal effects from the car so he could just dive right in.
Sure he did.
Sure he did.
Well, uh, what say we get to it, huh? Okay.
Joe? Uh, Joe, do you mind coming in here for a second? I wanted to show you guys something.
I want you to step right over there.
Just come right over here.
We should probably talk about which shelves you'd like to use.
What's up? Uh, there's something stuck behind my door.
Uh, would you mind taking care of that, Joe? Uh, I like to keep my trophies and stuff up here on this shelf.
Oh, look at-- look at that.
"World's Greatest Mom.
" Yeah.
Maybe you're right, okay? Maybe I have not given you enough time to show me how you run this place.
That is really all that I'm asking for.
Okay.
So I will hold off on making a final decision about Steve until I see what you can do.
Thank you.
So you have until the end of the day today.
Again, thank you.
All right.
First order of business.
We've all been a little lax lately on keeping up with our job task checklists.
Our what? Our job task checklists.
What kind of firewater have you been drinking, little chief? I'm gonna need a new chair.
Oh, okay.
Great.
- Hmm.
- Who the hell's that guy? Uh, he's just somebody who's helping Andrea today.
So why doesn't everyone just be on their best behavior, please.
Look, Dave, I know you're counting on me to play a key role in your hollow charade, but I'm afraid it's a lost cause.
- Why? What have you heard? - Nothing specific.
I'm just saying it's quite obvious we're all on the conveyor belt to the corporate abattoir.
Which means slaughterhouse.
Oh, I thought it meant toilet.
- Lavatoire.
- You're welcome.
Anyway, I for one am already pursuing other options, and I'd advise all of you to do the same.
I don't see what all this has to do with gettin' Matthew his job back.
Well, look, I'm doing everything I can on that.
In fact, I'm gonna talk to Andrea about it today.
Oh, what are you gonna talk to me about? About Matthew.
Oh.
Okay, meeting is dismissed.
And, everybody, let's not forget about those job task checklists.
All right? What is he talking about? So, uh, they're really still upset about this Matthew thing? Yes, I'm afraid they are, and it's probably something we should take some time to discuss.
Okay.
I'll meet you in Steve's office.
Oh, great.
Uh-- Matthew, go home.
Dave, is that guy in your office supposed to be my replacement? Because he doesn't look anything like me.
Joe? I'm on it.
[ Dave .]
Bill, at least pretend to be working hard today.
Look, Dave, just because I have another career lined up, doesn't mean I'm gonna turn my backs on all you poor clowns just waitin' around to be fired.
All right.
Exactly what kind of career do you have lined up anyway? Let's just say I'm puttin' together an act.
Bill, I thought your whole life was an act.
[ Laughs .]
No, it's a little cabaret thing.
A little song and dance, but without the dance, of course.
Uh-huh.
Really? What will you sing? Oh, little satirical songs about the world of politics and current events.
Uh-huh.
So like Mark Russell? I don't know who that is.
All right.
Well, fine.
But just don't let it interfere with your work, okay? Oh, of course not.
Thank you.
[ Playing Chords .]
William Clinton came to town riding on inflation Took a town named Whitewater Introduced it to our nation It's a lot better when I'm wearin' the red, white and blue tuxedo.
So, Dave, you wanted to talk about Matthew.
Uh, yes.
Yes, I did.
Um-- Hey.
What? Is there-- Oh, this is good.
This is perfect.
Exactly what I'm lookin' for.
Come on in, guys.
Um, what's going on, sir? We're doin' a movie, Dave.
A movie? Not a real movie-- a documentary.
Uh-huh.
About me.
- What's it for? - For TV.
Well, not real TV-- cable.
See these guys? They're gonna follow me around today, filming me doing whatever the hell it is I do around here.
Yeah, Mr.
James, can I talk to you out here for a moment? - Sure.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
- No, no, sir.
I meant alone.
Oh, come on, Dave.
What's the hang-up? We're not doin' a nude scene yet.
[ Laughs .]
Um, Mr.
James? Yeah.
Uh, I-- Mr.
James, I-I-I'm tryin' to make a point to Andrea, and I'd appreciate being seen under the most businesslike conditions possible.
Exactly-- Exactly what this documentary's about-- how a billion-dollar man of mystery like myself goes about his daily business.
What'd you shoot so far? Three hours of me feeding my dogs.
Why three hours? Got a lot of dogs.
Well, sir, I understand this is a very important film-- Yeah, it's very important.
Look, all these guys-- They have done documentaries about all the heavy-hitters.
I'm talkin' about, you know, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, Rupert Murdoch, Bruce Wayne.
Sir, Bruce Wayne is Batman.
Shh.
Quiet.
Sorry.
Excuse me.
I think, uh, Mr.
"DeVille" is ready for my close-up, or whatever the hell I'm saying.
We're ready, Mr.
James.
Just go about your business and pretend we're not here.
Okay.
All right.
Just let 'er roll.
You're gonna be great in this.
You wanna get in on this too, Andrea? Oh, no.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Could I get anybody a refill on their coffee? Lisa, you got a message from the superintendent of the school district.
Here's your coffee, Mr.
James, and your messages.
If I can get you-- - Beth, they're not filming yet.
- Oh, good.
I just didn't feel like I was in the moment that time.
- We're ready to roll.
- Okay, good.
Well, all right.
Everybody just, you know be natural.
And action.
[ Monotone .]
So, Lisa Miller, what is it that you would like to discuss today? Um-- Here in the office where we both, you and I, work in.
What sort of business would you need to discuss here in the office where both you and I work in today? Well, Mr.
James, we could talk about this story.
Good.
I would like to talk about the story which you are working on in the office where you and I both work in.
[ Cameraman .]
I think we should cut.
Great.
That felt pretty good to me.
[ Playing Chords .]
Write me a loan, Bill Clinton A Whitewater loan I've waited, oh, so long Get this out of here.
Excuse me, sir, but what about my rights? What rights? My rights as an American citizen! [ Playing Chords .]
They're beautiful The gayest guys In our nation's marines Bill? What's the matter, Dave? Gays in the military a little too hot for you? [ Playing Chords .]
When Johnny comes marching home again He's gay, he's gay [ Slams Keyboard Cover .]
I have asked you.
I have begged you.
Now I am ordering you to get this piano out of here! And, Matthew, if you do not leave this building in five minutes, I am calling security! Dave, I'm just picking up some of my stuff.
That's all.
[ Plays Riff .]
Sorry.
Lisa, I thought I asked you to minimize the chaos, not immortalize it.
There's not gonna be any chaos.
No? But there is a problem.
What? Jimmy sucks on camera.
So? But I fixed it.
Okay, I told the camera guy to pretend to run out of film and say "cut.
" But, see, really, that's when they're gonna start filming.
Uh-huh.
You see? Yeah.
He's gonna say "cut," but really, they're gonna roll.
Uh-huh.
You get it? Cut really means roll.
I get it.
So if Jimmy doesn't know he's being filmed, he'll be more relaxed.
That's a very cunning plan, but today is not the day for cunning plans or crazy capers.
Dave, you never want to do any cunning plans or crazy capers.
Come on, Dave.
Showtime, son.
Let's go.
All right.
Here we go.
We're rolling.
Good.
Good.
Now, everybody, just remember, just act natural.
[ Cameraman .]
And action.
[ Monotone .]
So, David, shall we commence the meeting procedures here in the office? Cut.
We're out of tape.
Aw, damn.
It'll take us a few minutes to reload.
Just go about your business.
All right.
All right.
Yeah, all right.
Let's have the meeting.
Okay.
First thing on the agenda is we're gonna have to lengthen the 2:00 broadcast.
One of our sponsors has dropped out.
Oh, yeah? Sounds like I'm gonna have to talk to the advertising department.
- Light a little fire under their asses, huh? - Uh-huh.
Yes.
Oh, and that reminds me.
We have to watch our language on the air, okay? We've received an official complaint from the Citizens for Broadcasting Decency.
Citizens-- Why? Uh, well, apparently Bill said he thought that Congress needed a swift kick in the ass.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
How does "Old MacDonald" go? [ Humming "Old MacDonald" .]
Does that have any lyrics? All right.
Hold on.
Would you excuse me, please? What do you mean, you can't say that? He can't.
That's ridiculous! I mean-- Who the hell do the Citizens for Broadcasting Decency think they are anyway? They are a very powerful, influential lobby group with a lot of clout in Washington.
Oh, clout, huh? You pay off a few congressmen.
Yes.
You think you're allowed to tell people what they can or can't say, huh? - You tell 'em, Mr.
James! - No, please don't.
No, no, no, no.
You don't see me tellin' people what they can or can't say.
Hell, no! Hell, no! And I've bribed hundreds of guys.
Okay, rolling.
No, don't roll yet.
I'm not done yet.
Sir, I think you've really made your point very clearly.
I have not made my point.
Let me tell you my point.
My point is the Citizens for Broadcast Decency can kiss my ruby red-- Stop filming! Old Man Congress needs a swift kick in the ass That's really all I have so far.
Okay, why? Why didn't anybody tell me we were filming? Lisa? Well, I'm sorry, sir.
I thought you'd be less self-conscious if you didn't know.
[ Groans .]
That's the same technique that 60 Minutes uses to get that guy to admit he's selling heroin to preschoolers.
No, no, no.
If the Broadcasting Decency wackos see that, I'll be crucified.
- Well, maybe they won't use that scene.
- Oh, right.
They won't use it.
I mean, they love it.
They love it! I can see the ads right now.
"James to Broadcasting Decency wackos: 'Hello.
I'm an idiot.
'" [ Elevator Bell Dings .]
Uh, thank you for lunch, Andrea.
You know, normally I don't leave the office at all during the day.
Oh, good for you.
I just thought it might be a nice way for you to get know each other.
Yes, and that it was.
That-- That it was.
You're not much of a talker, are you, Steve? No.
Beth, coffee.
Now, I thought you were gonna give me till the end of the day to prove I don't need him.
Oh, I thought you gave up on that whole thing.
My mistake.
[ Piano Chords .]
What's that? What's what? That music.
[ Stops .]
I don't hear anything.
[ Resumes .]
There it is again.
That! Oh, that.
That must-- You know what that is? That's the, uh-- That's the bathroom stereo system.
I'll turn that off if it's bothering you.
Just a second.
Someone's in the kitchen with Bob Dole Someone's in the kitchen with Bob Dole Someone's in the kitchen with Bob-- That's really all I have so far.
Say, do you know, does Bob Dole cook? Bill, what did I tell you? You told me to get it out of the office.
You didn't say anything about the bathroom.
Bill, I need you to be quiet for a moment.
Don't ask me why.
Just obey.
You're the boss.
Thank you.
Ah, that's better.
So, why do you have a stereo in the men's room? It's a guy thing.
I'd really rather not go into it.
Uh, but I've turned it off anyway, so it shouldn't-- [ Piano Resumes .]
There it is again.
Yes.
Yes, there it is-- That must be the, uh-- What? Emergency backup bathroom stereo.
I'll turn that one off as well.
Paul-- Paul-- Paula Jones She's seen Clinton nude "I need you to be quiet for a moment.
" That's what you said.
And I was quiet for a moment.
Ever the loyal employee.
Bill, Andrea's outside, and we're trying to have a rather important discussion right now.
So you'd like me to cool it? Yes.
Yes.
Say no more.
I gladly submit.
Good.
Thank you.
[ Piano Chords .]
Before you say anything, I apologize.
That was grossly insubordinate.
I'm sorry.
Inspiration struck, as it often does when I'm in the bathroom, and I just went with it.
Anyway, I-- [ Piano Resumes .]
Oh, the Lincoln Bedroom costs this much Moola, moola Good Fred Thompson says it's bunk Oh, the moola, hey - [ Dave .]
Where's Andrea? - She's in Steve's office.
- Uh, I mean-- - I know what you mean.
Look, Mr.
James, are you really gonna let her take away half my job? Oh, Dave, I've got bigger fish to fry.
Those documentary film guys won't give me my tape back.
Well, sir, I know-- Don't sweat the documentary crew.
I got a plan.
Tell me.
Why is it that everyone's solution to every problem around here - is some sort of covert plan? - That's secret.
[ Piano Chords .]
[ Elevator Bell Dings .]
I see we have some smokers in the room tonight.
Bill-- This one's going out to you.
Oh, Joe Camel Oh, don't you cry for me You gave my uncle cancer but you'll pay the lawyer's fee - [ Laughing .]
- Bill, today is really not the day for this.
You're tellin' me.
There's nothin' in the papers.
I'm scrapin' bottom here.
Hey, I think you're doin' just great.
Thank you, little lady.
Where are you from? Idaho.
Idaho, huh? What part? Boise.
Boise.
[ Playing Chords .]
Huh.
Hey, here's one about a fellow we've all grown to appreciate.
Twinkle, twinkle Kenneth Starr Special Whitewater prosecu-tar [ Laughing .]
Bill, can I talk to you for a moment, please? We're gonna take a short break now, folks, but I'll be appearing at the eighth-floor stairwell in about an hour.
Enjoy the rest of your ride.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good crowd.
Bill, I am-- I'm tired of threatening you.
Now I'm just pleading with you.
Please help me.
Sure, you want help now that I'm on top.
Where were you earlier today when I was just starting out? I was asking you to stop then too.
It's not like I'm hurting anybody, Dave-- oh, except for maybe some of those bozos down in Washington.
No, Bill, you are hurting someone.
You are hurting me.
You see, Andrea seems to be under the impression that I cannot control the staff.
Oh, ridiculous.
And don't I know it.
She's gonna bring this corporate goon to partner with me unless I can prove her wrong.
Well, that I will not stand for.
He's like some kind of enforcer, right? Yes.
Well, that I will not stand for.
I appreciate that, but-- I might disobey you from time to time, Dave, but it's only because deep down I know you really love it.
But this guy, who knows? Well, that's very sweet, Bill, but what I need-- Bring this goon unto me.
No, this is not the sort of goon you can reason with.
Don't worry.
I have a plan.
Oh, good.
A plan.
Just tell him I have a few ideas I'd like to discuss with him.
No, I-- Tell him.
Trust me.
I-- Tell him.
[ Whistles .]
All right.
Just humor an old billionaire, would you? Shoot the scene one more time.
I think I got it this time.
Fine.
Everybody set? Okay, action.
Uh, so, Mr.
James, what important business decision did you want to discuss? Well, Lisa-- What the hell was that? Looks like you overcharged the battery, dude.
You charged the battery for us.
Oh, then it must have been something else.
- Wait a minute.
You didn't lose any footage, did you? - Almost everything.
Well, what about the Citizens for Broadcasting Decency stuff? You didn't lose that, did you? Oh, that's safe.
I got that right here.
That's what happens when you don't rewind.
- [ Piano Chords .]
- Uh, Bill, I'd like you to meet Steve Johnson.
Hi, Steve.
Hello, Bill.
How are you? [ Grunts .]
That was your plan? - I panicked.
- Bill, you can't just go around hitting people.
- I only did it for you, Dave.
- That's what John Hinckley said.
- Which reminds me of a little song.
- Don't! [ Andrea .]
Well, Dave, I guess you're off the hook.
Steve doesn't want the job.
Why is that? He won't say, which is weird.
- Yeah, well, I'm sorry it had to happen that way, but-- - What way? I have no idea, but I'm sure it's for the best.
[ Piano Chords .]
Silent night Religious right Jesse Helms Sleeps tonight Everybody! Something, something Madeleine Albright I don't want to be a broken record, but this is the discipline problem I talking about.
What? The piano? Oh, this was Steve's idea.
Wasn't it, Steve? Yes, sir, Mr.
McNeal.
- May I go now? - Yeah.
Run along.
- [ Andrea .]
I have something to-- - That's a good boy.
That is so weird.
Well, maybe you misjudged Steve.
Well, I guess, 'cause he's usually a really reliable-- Which has got to make you wonder if maybe you didn't misjudge Matthew too.
[ Sighs .]
You guys.
You're just not gonna give up on this Matthew thing, are you? - Not until you hire him back.
- Okay, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I am definitely, definitely gonna think about it.
Yes! I'm back! [ Playing Chords .]
I'm back where I belong!