Not Going Out (2006) s04e03 Episode Script
Movie
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But that is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out # We are not going out.
# Don't come in! Come back in 20 minutes.
Oh God, please say he's not.
That'll teach me to come home when Loose Women's on.
Lee, I don't exactly know what you're doing in there, but this is my flat and I'm coming through the door in three seconds.
Two, one.
Do you know, I'd rather have caught you masturbating.
Why don't you go out and come back in again? What are you doing? The toaster's broken.
How else am I supposed to make crumpets? There are rules to lodging in my flat.
They don't say "no barbecues".
They don't say "no dog fighting" but I don't expect that either.
That's fine.
I can cancel that.
Hello? I know this might sound a little weird, but how would you like to be a movie star? Sorry, are you talking to me or him? Neither, actually.
I was talking to the apartment.
You'll have to excuse him, he's a bit lofty.
I'm Mike.
I'm shooting a movie in the apartment downstairs.
We almost had everything in the can and then this goddamn water pipe burst.
The place is flooded, we can't use it.
I need a place exactly the same for one day for £500.
Deal.
What have we just been talking about? Masturba No! Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal? Thank God for that, I thought you were going to call her Blobby.
No deal.
No offence, I'm just a bit particular about what goes on in this flat.
No offence, but you're having a barbecue.
Which Lee is about to take downstairs and dispose of before I cook him a sausage.
We haven't got any sa I get it! Crumpet? You'll have to excuse my lodger, she gets a bit fussy about these things.
So you own this place? Absolutely.
And when it comes to making the decisions, I wear the trousers.
They're still trousers, count the legs! Anyway, the point is, I'm willing to negotiate.
Negotiate? I'm thinking a man who's willing to pay ã500 is probably willing to pay ã1,000.
And I'm thinking a guy that has indoor barbecues in his pyjamas is willing to accept ã100.
The offer is £500.
£950? £80.
£500.
Deal.
I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
00.
leave till much later than that, and she'd only be in the way.
Why don't we say 9.
00am? How about 7.
30? I'll see you at 8.
00am.
Tim, I think you're making a big mistake.
Why would you want to pack your job in? Because I want to do something more exciting, more dangerous.
Something that makes you wonder whether you'll be alive at the end of the day and when you are, you know you've stared at death and laughed in his face.
And is accountancy not doing that for you? What are you two talking about? I'm looking for a new job.
Why, have you been caught stealing Blu-tak from the stationery cupboard? That was a one-off.
Why can't society forget and allow a man to rebuild his life? If you must know, I'm thinking of moving on to something new.
Paperclips? What's brought this on? I thought you liked your job.
It's OK, I suppose.
But a senior accounts co-ordinator with a mid-level brokerage firm is not exactly what I dreamt about when I was a kid.
Yes, it was.
OK, yes, it was, but it turned out to be a whole lot less of a thrill than I hoped.
What did you want to do when you were a kid, Lee? Nothing.
Well, that's nice, we both got what we wanted.
Well, I think you should stick with it.
It's a well-paid and secure position.
HE MOUTHS SHE MOUTHS Right, I'm going to go.
Where? Milk a cow.
Pick up my car from the dairy.
You see, the thing about my job is this.
I don't give a monkeys.
I just needed her gone because I need to ask you a favour.
The thing is, I need you to offer to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning very early to work because I need her out of the flat.
Why? OK, I'll come straight out with it.
Honesty's the best policy.
I'm having the carpet cleaned.
I spilt some red wine, I've hidden the stain under the sofa and I want to get it sorted out before she finds it.
OK, fine.
Great.
But why am I left with this horrible feeling that you're up to something? Hand on heart, Tim, all I'm trying to do is clean up.
Morning.
Morning.
Tim's downstairs.
You trying to get rid of me? No.
So, Friday night, I'm guessing you'll be back late, drinks and all that? Actually, I was thinking of coming straight home.
Thought I might see a film.
Yeah, you might.
I just bought that new Sex And The City DVD if you fancy it.
Already seen it.
Any good? Bit too much city for my liking.
So what time roughly? Oh, I don't know.
Half-eight.
Great.
I'll see you then.
Or earlier.
I might pop back for lunch.
Oh, don't do that.
Why don't you go to that place I took you for lunch? You know, with the nice sandwiches and the scented candles.
Boots? Yeah.
Anyway, you won't be able to pop back because you won't have your car cos Tim's taking you.
Oh yeah.
Why am I smelling a rat? Have you tried Listerine? So, have you ever met Al Pacino? No.
I met his brother once.
Did you? Yeah.
Cappuccino! He wasn't my cup of tea.
OK, you guys, positions.
We're almost ready for a take.
Right, mate, you promise you'll be out of here 8.
30 tonight at the latest? Well, if you go and leave us to it, I guess we can get wrapped by five.
All right, just like rehearsals.
I want the dialogue by the window, then you come down here, hit your mark, right in front of the camera, sit down on that coffee table, and that, sweetheart, is when you give him the blow job.
You happy? Ron? Jane? What time's Freddie getting here? Rolling.
Andaction! How the hell are we going to break into this bank without a weapon? I just can't get my head around it.
Don't worry, baby, I've got something else you can get your head round.
And trust me, this weapon is always cocked and loaded.
Oh, if it's the weapon I think you mean, I think it's ready to be slipped into its holster! This is a porn film! What the hell was that? Audio descriptive service for the blind.
The people that come to see my movies aren't blind, buddy.
Not to begin with, maybe.
This is a legitimate piece of cinema.
It's aa crime thriller.
Oh, which one's Miss Marple and which one's Hetty Wainthropp? All right, it's an erotic thriller.
But it's still a credible piece of movie-making.
It asks profound questions about the human condition and its ability to cope with complex emotional issues.
What's it called? Sluts in Heat 2.
Get out of the flat.
What? Get out of the flat.
You signed a contract.
If you fail to provide a location, then you are liable for the personal cost of £5,000.
And if Lucy finds out I've been using her flat to make porn films, I'm liable for the personal cost of my nads.
Her flat? You told me it was your flat.
Go on, get out.
No.
What? We're not leaving till we make our movie.
Well, you can't make your movie with a broken mic, can you? I'll scream! All right, maybe we should leave.
And as soon as I sue your ass, this Lucy's going to find out we were here.
She might not.
She will when I slip something through her letterbox.
Oh, you lot just never switch off, do you? Of course, if you just leave us to it, you get your money, we get our movie, everybody's happy.
What do you say? Looks like I haven't got a choice, doesn't it? Right! We're doing it again.
Positions.
Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.
Oh sorry, I thought we were brainstorming.
Don't we have a slight problem here? He's broken the boom? I wouldn't worry about that.
I got an idea.
Action.
What if the cops come after us? Relax, it's London.
All they have is truncheons, and, trust me, my truncheon can top any guy.
Oh, yeah? What's so special about your truncheon, honey pie? Let's just say you won't be in any doubt when you've been banged by this little baby.
Oh, well, maybe you should prove to me just how big it is.
Trust me, when you see this thing, you'll know it's huge.
I've been told by some it's unnaturally big.
Cut! What the hell are you doing?! I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.
I feel like a midget working in a car wash.
A midget working in a car wash? That's a good scenario.
Make a note of that.
All right, let's change positions and see if that helps.
In fact, let's just skip to the scene where you just start whipping his ass.
OK, Rod, put on your dog collar and get on all fours.
Sorry, was that you or did Orson Welles just turn up? You see, Rod, those four years at RADA weren't wasted.
You finally got the lead.
OK, rolling and action.
Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy, dirty dog.
What is that smell? It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.
You're all covered in mud.
Now I'm going to have to sponge you down.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Look at the mess on my carpet! That's a novel way of getting rid of wine stains! Tim, will you just calm down? I'm sorry that I lied to you, but they were just going to have a bit of a cuddle.
Oh yeah, was he going to roll over and have his tummy tickled? I've played Pictionary on that rug.
And now you're allowing two strangers to film rumpy-pumpy on it?! OK, I'll be honest, there's a little bit of adult content, but that's Hollywood.
All the big stars have to do sex scenes.
Mickey Rourke, Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.
Why should it be any different for Rod Hardpole and Janey Flangelove? Look, it's a legitimate film.
Oh, is that right? Do you really think John Nettles would appear in a dirty movie? John Nettles? THE John Nettles? Yep.
John "keeper of law and order on the otherwise dangerous island of Jersey, "to say nothing of his crime-fighting abilities in Midsomer Murders" Nettles? That is he.
Is he coming here? No, he's in LA, doing all the action bits.
These lot are the baddies, a bunch of degenerate, sex-obsessed bank robbers.
Not for much longer.
Wait till Bergerac catches up with you! But Lucy still needs to be told what's going on.
No, she doesn't.
You know what Lucy's like.
She'll worry, stop us filming and miss out on all that money.
So you're giving her the money, are you? Of course.
I've got some scruples, Tim.
How much is it? £200.
OK, I'll keep quiet.
Thanks, Tim.
On one condition you get me a walk-on part in the film.
What? You heard.
I'm looking for a more exciting career path.
Maybe this is fate.
It only has to be a tiny little part.
I have no doubt that it would be.
Tim, I can't get you a part in this film and you are not an actor.
OK, no problem.
I'll just drift off home anyway and don't worry, I won't say a word to Lucy.
Really? See, you believed that bit of acting, didn't you? Trust me, we've got no choice.
If Tim goes running to Lucy, everyone's screwed.
Or, more to the point, no-one is.
Lucy will throw us both out of the flat.
You'll have nowhere to film Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere to watch Sluts In Heat 1.
Just give him a tiny little walk-on part and nothing that involves any bad language or nudity.
Jesus Christ! If you've got the false beard, that would be perfect.
I guess he could stand in for Rod, right up till the sex scene, you know, as the pizza guy.
Won't the audience spot it's a different person? We won't see his face, just his helmet.
There is no way Tim is going to allow you to His motorbike helmet! Perfect.
Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza outfit, then put your gimp suit on.
For the last time, it doesn't really matter what your motivation is.
Yeah, I know, but I was thinking, and it's just a suggestion, perhaps I'm from an Italian family and I've taken this job to please my father.
But actually, I'm saving the tips to finance my real dream of studying tropical medicine.
Great.
That'll really lift it.
What's my line again? "Who ordered pizza?" Sorry to go on.
I do have a reputation for being anal.
I'd keep that to yourself today! Positions! You forgot this.
Hang on, there's no pizza inside.
And why is there's a hole cut into the bottom? So that just before we open the box you can slip your penis through.
Isn't that a little unhygienic? Janey, get ready for your scene.
This is definitely not Bergerac! This is a porn film! OK, before you barge in there, stop this film and throw Lee out of the window, just remember, he's your best friend, and things could always be worse.
Hi, darling.
See? I've been looking every where for you.
Why are you dressed like that? It's my new job.
I told you I was looking for a new career path.
Tim, you're a qualified accountant! Yeah, but it's actually always been a secret dream of mine to work for the Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.
But you can't ride a motorbike.
I'm doing it on foot.
So why are you wearing a helmet? I know, it's health and safety gone mad.
And why are you delivering to Lee? Well, he ordered the first one, you know, to help get me started.
This was all his idea, wasn't it? I knew I shouldn't have left him to talk to you in the pub.
I think I need to have a word with Lee.
KNOCKS AT DOOR Right, Lee, what's all this business about you encouraging Tim to resign from his job? Well, don't just stand there all innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.
This pizza's cold.
I'll go and get you another one.
Do you want to give me a hand delivering these pizzas? He's not coming back, is he? We're going back to Plan A.
Rod, you're the pizza delivery guy again.
How can I be pizza guy when that loser's run off with my costume? When do you ever see a guy on a motorbike dressed like this?! "Gimp My Ride"? Tim won't let us down.
Trust me.
He's going to come walking through that door any minute now.
And look on the bright side, if he's late, at least you get a pound off.
Hello.
Strange question, have you got any pizzas you'd like me to deliver? I don't want payment, I just like delivering pizzas.
I've just thought of something.
That outfit that Lee was wearing.
Outfit? In the flat just now, the leather swimming trunks.
Oh yes, those.
Lee's, um, learning to swim but he's quite scared of the water, so he's getting used to wearing the trunks around the flat first.
What about the rubber gimp mask? Yes, well, there's a very simple explanation for that too.
Which is? Lee's a sexual deviant.
Oh, right.
I would've told you before but he's a bit embarrassed about it.
There's no need to be.
I didn't learn to swim till I was 22! OK, you're right.
He's not coming back, is he? You're going to have to do something else and quickly.
Right.
To hell with this.
Forget the pizza scene.
Rod, take Jane into the kitchen and bang her over the sink.
Great.
There's a couple of pans that need scouring, if you could work that into it.
Oi, come on.
Yeah, I'm going to need a few minutes to, you know What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie? Yes.
How long's that going to take? God knows.
We haven't got time for this, mate.
Look, Jane's ready.
She's a real old pro.
No offence, love.
I bet you think my job's real easy, huh? I bet you look at her and you think, "piece of cake"? I don't think "piece of cake".
What do you think? Baps.
Well, it's not and that's why I need time.
We haven't got time, mate! So if you don't get in there now, I will personally come over there and fluff you up myself! Bring it on.
Get off me, you lunatic! I mean it! Get it out now and start thinking of Felicity Kendal! CRASHING That's it.
No more.
I quit.
What? I have had it up to here.
Oh, impressive! Oh, dear.
Now what? I'll tell you what, we finish making our movie.
How? He's downed tools.
Well, tool.
Actually, it was already down.
Looks like we need a new actor now, doesn't it? To do the pizza bit? To do everything.
Are you proposing that I act in a scene with a female porn star? I wouldn't dream of it! All right, I would dream of it.
I have dreamt of it, but that's not the point.
No chance.
You don't do it, not only will your landlady kill you, I will too.
I wouldn't know what to do! I've only ever seen the first few minutes! Look, pal, we have a contract and I'm not leaving this apartment till I make my porno film.
You said it was an erotic thriller.
No, chum, it's a porno.
Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you, my friend, are my new male lead.
Oh.
My mum would be so proud! I didn't place an order.
I know you didn't.
Speak up.
I know you didn't place an order.
It's free.
Please just take it.
But I don't like pineapple.
Then pick them off! What the hell is going on? Tim has got a new job delivering pizza.
It was Lee's idea.
Oh, bloody Lee, always has to drag you down to his level.
Oh, don't worry.
He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.
Lee's become a sexual deviant.
What? He's using your flat for some kind of sado-masochistic bondage session.
Just wait till I get my hands on him.
I'm going to strangle him! He'd probably enjoy that.
I'm sorry, Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.
Take me home.
Now.
Oh, today just keeps on giving, doesn't it? Three, two, one, action! This is a waste of a perfectly good melon.
Don't worry, you'll be using the other half later.
Start acting.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare version of Jim'll Fix It.
Say the line! Who ordered pizza? Give it to me.
Improvise, for Christ's sake! OK, I will, and you're going to love it.
It's 12 inches, piping hot, and the base is thin and Not thin.
I mean, it's got a cheesy crust.
I'll start again.
Who ordered pizza? Feel free to remove your own toppings.
Oh, well, maybe I will.
Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.
Yes, it is, but the good news is, the hosepipe ban's been lifted.
Cut! What? That was a perfectly good bit of innuendo.
It wasn't sexy, Lee.
Tease her a bit.
All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy? Just start undressing her.
Can you go out the room? I've got to film the damn thing! Close your eyes.
I can't close my eyes, I'm directing.
Action! Can I close my eyes? No.
Oh, oh Well, say something.
Sorry for staring at your tits! Call her a tramp.
Tell her what you're going to do to her! What, give her 50p for a cup of tea? Why would I want to have sex with a tramp? Because your landlady'll be home any moment now.
Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.
Oh, you're so forceful.
What are you going to do to me? I'm going to show you a good time, aren't I, you dirty, smelly, big-eared homeless person.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Now, get that cardie off or you won't feel the benefit! Just forget the dialogue and start making love to her now.
I will, if it'll stop you shouting at me! Where are you going? Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.
No, let's just forget the acting altogether and go right for the big money shot.
Here's your big moment, Lee.
Oh, my God.
I've had enough.
This time he's packing his bags and leaving.
Why don't we calm down, go for a drink and discuss this? Well, let's invite Lee while we're here, although he might need a straw if he's still got his gimp mask on.
Not only does he treat my flat like he owns it, he's now using the place for his depraved sex games.
Come on, Lucy, that just shows how irrational you're being.
Lee is far from perfect, but if there's one thing he isn't, it's a sexual deviant.
< BRAYING NOISES Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.
You're back early.
Look, no barbecue.
You said you weren't going to be back till half past eight.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should throw you out right now.
He was going to sue me.
No, he wasn't.
I asked the flat downstairs, there was never a leak.
She just threw them out when she realised it was porn.
Well, hadn't she signed a contract? No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month warranty on a tumble dryer.
The same as you if you'd bothered to read it.
Right.
Well, look on the bright side, I may have gone behind your back and allowed a porn film involving bestiality to be filmed in your living room, but if your tumble dryer ever breaks down You're only staying here on two conditions.
Which are? Firstly, stop treating the flat like you own it and, secondly, get a job.
And, as luck would have it, I've found one for you.
Pizza delivery boy? You've got to be joking.
Well, there is another option if you want, involving sex.
What? Take the pizza delivery job, or you can go and get f # Not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But that is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out # We are not going out.
#
# Don't come in! Come back in 20 minutes.
Oh God, please say he's not.
That'll teach me to come home when Loose Women's on.
Lee, I don't exactly know what you're doing in there, but this is my flat and I'm coming through the door in three seconds.
Two, one.
Do you know, I'd rather have caught you masturbating.
Why don't you go out and come back in again? What are you doing? The toaster's broken.
How else am I supposed to make crumpets? There are rules to lodging in my flat.
They don't say "no barbecues".
They don't say "no dog fighting" but I don't expect that either.
That's fine.
I can cancel that.
Hello? I know this might sound a little weird, but how would you like to be a movie star? Sorry, are you talking to me or him? Neither, actually.
I was talking to the apartment.
You'll have to excuse him, he's a bit lofty.
I'm Mike.
I'm shooting a movie in the apartment downstairs.
We almost had everything in the can and then this goddamn water pipe burst.
The place is flooded, we can't use it.
I need a place exactly the same for one day for £500.
Deal.
What have we just been talking about? Masturba No! Sweetheart, at the risk of sounding like Noel Edmonds, deal or no deal? Thank God for that, I thought you were going to call her Blobby.
No deal.
No offence, I'm just a bit particular about what goes on in this flat.
No offence, but you're having a barbecue.
Which Lee is about to take downstairs and dispose of before I cook him a sausage.
We haven't got any sa I get it! Crumpet? You'll have to excuse my lodger, she gets a bit fussy about these things.
So you own this place? Absolutely.
And when it comes to making the decisions, I wear the trousers.
They're still trousers, count the legs! Anyway, the point is, I'm willing to negotiate.
Negotiate? I'm thinking a man who's willing to pay ã500 is probably willing to pay ã1,000.
And I'm thinking a guy that has indoor barbecues in his pyjamas is willing to accept ã100.
The offer is £500.
£950? £80.
£500.
Deal.
I'll see you tomorrow morning at 8.
00.
leave till much later than that, and she'd only be in the way.
Why don't we say 9.
00am? How about 7.
30? I'll see you at 8.
00am.
Tim, I think you're making a big mistake.
Why would you want to pack your job in? Because I want to do something more exciting, more dangerous.
Something that makes you wonder whether you'll be alive at the end of the day and when you are, you know you've stared at death and laughed in his face.
And is accountancy not doing that for you? What are you two talking about? I'm looking for a new job.
Why, have you been caught stealing Blu-tak from the stationery cupboard? That was a one-off.
Why can't society forget and allow a man to rebuild his life? If you must know, I'm thinking of moving on to something new.
Paperclips? What's brought this on? I thought you liked your job.
It's OK, I suppose.
But a senior accounts co-ordinator with a mid-level brokerage firm is not exactly what I dreamt about when I was a kid.
Yes, it was.
OK, yes, it was, but it turned out to be a whole lot less of a thrill than I hoped.
What did you want to do when you were a kid, Lee? Nothing.
Well, that's nice, we both got what we wanted.
Well, I think you should stick with it.
It's a well-paid and secure position.
HE MOUTHS SHE MOUTHS Right, I'm going to go.
Where? Milk a cow.
Pick up my car from the dairy.
You see, the thing about my job is this.
I don't give a monkeys.
I just needed her gone because I need to ask you a favour.
The thing is, I need you to offer to give Lucy a lift tomorrow morning very early to work because I need her out of the flat.
Why? OK, I'll come straight out with it.
Honesty's the best policy.
I'm having the carpet cleaned.
I spilt some red wine, I've hidden the stain under the sofa and I want to get it sorted out before she finds it.
OK, fine.
Great.
But why am I left with this horrible feeling that you're up to something? Hand on heart, Tim, all I'm trying to do is clean up.
Morning.
Morning.
Tim's downstairs.
You trying to get rid of me? No.
So, Friday night, I'm guessing you'll be back late, drinks and all that? Actually, I was thinking of coming straight home.
Thought I might see a film.
Yeah, you might.
I just bought that new Sex And The City DVD if you fancy it.
Already seen it.
Any good? Bit too much city for my liking.
So what time roughly? Oh, I don't know.
Half-eight.
Great.
I'll see you then.
Or earlier.
I might pop back for lunch.
Oh, don't do that.
Why don't you go to that place I took you for lunch? You know, with the nice sandwiches and the scented candles.
Boots? Yeah.
Anyway, you won't be able to pop back because you won't have your car cos Tim's taking you.
Oh yeah.
Why am I smelling a rat? Have you tried Listerine? So, have you ever met Al Pacino? No.
I met his brother once.
Did you? Yeah.
Cappuccino! He wasn't my cup of tea.
OK, you guys, positions.
We're almost ready for a take.
Right, mate, you promise you'll be out of here 8.
30 tonight at the latest? Well, if you go and leave us to it, I guess we can get wrapped by five.
All right, just like rehearsals.
I want the dialogue by the window, then you come down here, hit your mark, right in front of the camera, sit down on that coffee table, and that, sweetheart, is when you give him the blow job.
You happy? Ron? Jane? What time's Freddie getting here? Rolling.
Andaction! How the hell are we going to break into this bank without a weapon? I just can't get my head around it.
Don't worry, baby, I've got something else you can get your head round.
And trust me, this weapon is always cocked and loaded.
Oh, if it's the weapon I think you mean, I think it's ready to be slipped into its holster! This is a porn film! What the hell was that? Audio descriptive service for the blind.
The people that come to see my movies aren't blind, buddy.
Not to begin with, maybe.
This is a legitimate piece of cinema.
It's aa crime thriller.
Oh, which one's Miss Marple and which one's Hetty Wainthropp? All right, it's an erotic thriller.
But it's still a credible piece of movie-making.
It asks profound questions about the human condition and its ability to cope with complex emotional issues.
What's it called? Sluts in Heat 2.
Get out of the flat.
What? Get out of the flat.
You signed a contract.
If you fail to provide a location, then you are liable for the personal cost of £5,000.
And if Lucy finds out I've been using her flat to make porn films, I'm liable for the personal cost of my nads.
Her flat? You told me it was your flat.
Go on, get out.
No.
What? We're not leaving till we make our movie.
Well, you can't make your movie with a broken mic, can you? I'll scream! All right, maybe we should leave.
And as soon as I sue your ass, this Lucy's going to find out we were here.
She might not.
She will when I slip something through her letterbox.
Oh, you lot just never switch off, do you? Of course, if you just leave us to it, you get your money, we get our movie, everybody's happy.
What do you say? Looks like I haven't got a choice, doesn't it? Right! We're doing it again.
Positions.
Missionary, doggy style, piledriver.
Oh sorry, I thought we were brainstorming.
Don't we have a slight problem here? He's broken the boom? I wouldn't worry about that.
I got an idea.
Action.
What if the cops come after us? Relax, it's London.
All they have is truncheons, and, trust me, my truncheon can top any guy.
Oh, yeah? What's so special about your truncheon, honey pie? Let's just say you won't be in any doubt when you've been banged by this little baby.
Oh, well, maybe you should prove to me just how big it is.
Trust me, when you see this thing, you'll know it's huge.
I've been told by some it's unnaturally big.
Cut! What the hell are you doing?! I'm doing my best is what I'm doing.
I feel like a midget working in a car wash.
A midget working in a car wash? That's a good scenario.
Make a note of that.
All right, let's change positions and see if that helps.
In fact, let's just skip to the scene where you just start whipping his ass.
OK, Rod, put on your dog collar and get on all fours.
Sorry, was that you or did Orson Welles just turn up? You see, Rod, those four years at RADA weren't wasted.
You finally got the lead.
OK, rolling and action.
Ooh, you naughty, naughty, filthy, dirty dog.
What is that smell? It's not a BAFTA, that's for sure.
You're all covered in mud.
Now I'm going to have to sponge you down.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Look at the mess on my carpet! That's a novel way of getting rid of wine stains! Tim, will you just calm down? I'm sorry that I lied to you, but they were just going to have a bit of a cuddle.
Oh yeah, was he going to roll over and have his tummy tickled? I've played Pictionary on that rug.
And now you're allowing two strangers to film rumpy-pumpy on it?! OK, I'll be honest, there's a little bit of adult content, but that's Hollywood.
All the big stars have to do sex scenes.
Mickey Rourke, Glenn Close, Sharon Stone.
Why should it be any different for Rod Hardpole and Janey Flangelove? Look, it's a legitimate film.
Oh, is that right? Do you really think John Nettles would appear in a dirty movie? John Nettles? THE John Nettles? Yep.
John "keeper of law and order on the otherwise dangerous island of Jersey, "to say nothing of his crime-fighting abilities in Midsomer Murders" Nettles? That is he.
Is he coming here? No, he's in LA, doing all the action bits.
These lot are the baddies, a bunch of degenerate, sex-obsessed bank robbers.
Not for much longer.
Wait till Bergerac catches up with you! But Lucy still needs to be told what's going on.
No, she doesn't.
You know what Lucy's like.
She'll worry, stop us filming and miss out on all that money.
So you're giving her the money, are you? Of course.
I've got some scruples, Tim.
How much is it? £200.
OK, I'll keep quiet.
Thanks, Tim.
On one condition you get me a walk-on part in the film.
What? You heard.
I'm looking for a more exciting career path.
Maybe this is fate.
It only has to be a tiny little part.
I have no doubt that it would be.
Tim, I can't get you a part in this film and you are not an actor.
OK, no problem.
I'll just drift off home anyway and don't worry, I won't say a word to Lucy.
Really? See, you believed that bit of acting, didn't you? Trust me, we've got no choice.
If Tim goes running to Lucy, everyone's screwed.
Or, more to the point, no-one is.
Lucy will throw us both out of the flat.
You'll have nowhere to film Sluts In Heat 2, I'll have nowhere to watch Sluts In Heat 1.
Just give him a tiny little walk-on part and nothing that involves any bad language or nudity.
Jesus Christ! If you've got the false beard, that would be perfect.
I guess he could stand in for Rod, right up till the sex scene, you know, as the pizza guy.
Won't the audience spot it's a different person? We won't see his face, just his helmet.
There is no way Tim is going to allow you to His motorbike helmet! Perfect.
Rod, give that dopey guy your pizza outfit, then put your gimp suit on.
For the last time, it doesn't really matter what your motivation is.
Yeah, I know, but I was thinking, and it's just a suggestion, perhaps I'm from an Italian family and I've taken this job to please my father.
But actually, I'm saving the tips to finance my real dream of studying tropical medicine.
Great.
That'll really lift it.
What's my line again? "Who ordered pizza?" Sorry to go on.
I do have a reputation for being anal.
I'd keep that to yourself today! Positions! You forgot this.
Hang on, there's no pizza inside.
And why is there's a hole cut into the bottom? So that just before we open the box you can slip your penis through.
Isn't that a little unhygienic? Janey, get ready for your scene.
This is definitely not Bergerac! This is a porn film! OK, before you barge in there, stop this film and throw Lee out of the window, just remember, he's your best friend, and things could always be worse.
Hi, darling.
See? I've been looking every where for you.
Why are you dressed like that? It's my new job.
I told you I was looking for a new career path.
Tim, you're a qualified accountant! Yeah, but it's actually always been a secret dream of mine to work for the Hot and Meaty Sausage Company.
But you can't ride a motorbike.
I'm doing it on foot.
So why are you wearing a helmet? I know, it's health and safety gone mad.
And why are you delivering to Lee? Well, he ordered the first one, you know, to help get me started.
This was all his idea, wasn't it? I knew I shouldn't have left him to talk to you in the pub.
I think I need to have a word with Lee.
KNOCKS AT DOOR Right, Lee, what's all this business about you encouraging Tim to resign from his job? Well, don't just stand there all innocent, like butter wouldn't melt.
This pizza's cold.
I'll go and get you another one.
Do you want to give me a hand delivering these pizzas? He's not coming back, is he? We're going back to Plan A.
Rod, you're the pizza delivery guy again.
How can I be pizza guy when that loser's run off with my costume? When do you ever see a guy on a motorbike dressed like this?! "Gimp My Ride"? Tim won't let us down.
Trust me.
He's going to come walking through that door any minute now.
And look on the bright side, if he's late, at least you get a pound off.
Hello.
Strange question, have you got any pizzas you'd like me to deliver? I don't want payment, I just like delivering pizzas.
I've just thought of something.
That outfit that Lee was wearing.
Outfit? In the flat just now, the leather swimming trunks.
Oh yes, those.
Lee's, um, learning to swim but he's quite scared of the water, so he's getting used to wearing the trunks around the flat first.
What about the rubber gimp mask? Yes, well, there's a very simple explanation for that too.
Which is? Lee's a sexual deviant.
Oh, right.
I would've told you before but he's a bit embarrassed about it.
There's no need to be.
I didn't learn to swim till I was 22! OK, you're right.
He's not coming back, is he? You're going to have to do something else and quickly.
Right.
To hell with this.
Forget the pizza scene.
Rod, take Jane into the kitchen and bang her over the sink.
Great.
There's a couple of pans that need scouring, if you could work that into it.
Oi, come on.
Yeah, I'm going to need a few minutes to, you know What, you mean little Jimmy Krankie? Yes.
How long's that going to take? God knows.
We haven't got time for this, mate.
Look, Jane's ready.
She's a real old pro.
No offence, love.
I bet you think my job's real easy, huh? I bet you look at her and you think, "piece of cake"? I don't think "piece of cake".
What do you think? Baps.
Well, it's not and that's why I need time.
We haven't got time, mate! So if you don't get in there now, I will personally come over there and fluff you up myself! Bring it on.
Get off me, you lunatic! I mean it! Get it out now and start thinking of Felicity Kendal! CRASHING That's it.
No more.
I quit.
What? I have had it up to here.
Oh, impressive! Oh, dear.
Now what? I'll tell you what, we finish making our movie.
How? He's downed tools.
Well, tool.
Actually, it was already down.
Looks like we need a new actor now, doesn't it? To do the pizza bit? To do everything.
Are you proposing that I act in a scene with a female porn star? I wouldn't dream of it! All right, I would dream of it.
I have dreamt of it, but that's not the point.
No chance.
You don't do it, not only will your landlady kill you, I will too.
I wouldn't know what to do! I've only ever seen the first few minutes! Look, pal, we have a contract and I'm not leaving this apartment till I make my porno film.
You said it was an erotic thriller.
No, chum, it's a porno.
Hard-core, X-rated filth, and you, my friend, are my new male lead.
Oh.
My mum would be so proud! I didn't place an order.
I know you didn't.
Speak up.
I know you didn't place an order.
It's free.
Please just take it.
But I don't like pineapple.
Then pick them off! What the hell is going on? Tim has got a new job delivering pizza.
It was Lee's idea.
Oh, bloody Lee, always has to drag you down to his level.
Oh, don't worry.
He hasn't sunk quite as low as Lee.
Lee's become a sexual deviant.
What? He's using your flat for some kind of sado-masochistic bondage session.
Just wait till I get my hands on him.
I'm going to strangle him! He'd probably enjoy that.
I'm sorry, Vanessa, drinks are cancelled.
Take me home.
Now.
Oh, today just keeps on giving, doesn't it? Three, two, one, action! This is a waste of a perfectly good melon.
Don't worry, you'll be using the other half later.
Start acting.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare version of Jim'll Fix It.
Say the line! Who ordered pizza? Give it to me.
Improvise, for Christ's sake! OK, I will, and you're going to love it.
It's 12 inches, piping hot, and the base is thin and Not thin.
I mean, it's got a cheesy crust.
I'll start again.
Who ordered pizza? Feel free to remove your own toppings.
Oh, well, maybe I will.
Oh, it's so hot in here tonight.
Yes, it is, but the good news is, the hosepipe ban's been lifted.
Cut! What? That was a perfectly good bit of innuendo.
It wasn't sexy, Lee.
Tease her a bit.
All right, Big Ears, how's Noddy? Just start undressing her.
Can you go out the room? I've got to film the damn thing! Close your eyes.
I can't close my eyes, I'm directing.
Action! Can I close my eyes? No.
Oh, oh Well, say something.
Sorry for staring at your tits! Call her a tramp.
Tell her what you're going to do to her! What, give her 50p for a cup of tea? Why would I want to have sex with a tramp? Because your landlady'll be home any moment now.
Action! Get 'em off, sweetcheeks.
Oh, you're so forceful.
What are you going to do to me? I'm going to show you a good time, aren't I, you dirty, smelly, big-eared homeless person.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Now, get that cardie off or you won't feel the benefit! Just forget the dialogue and start making love to her now.
I will, if it'll stop you shouting at me! Where are you going? Put my pyjamas on, brush my teeth.
No, let's just forget the acting altogether and go right for the big money shot.
Here's your big moment, Lee.
Oh, my God.
I've had enough.
This time he's packing his bags and leaving.
Why don't we calm down, go for a drink and discuss this? Well, let's invite Lee while we're here, although he might need a straw if he's still got his gimp mask on.
Not only does he treat my flat like he owns it, he's now using the place for his depraved sex games.
Come on, Lucy, that just shows how irrational you're being.
Lee is far from perfect, but if there's one thing he isn't, it's a sexual deviant.
< BRAYING NOISES Maybe he's playing Buckaroo.
You're back early.
Look, no barbecue.
You said you weren't going to be back till half past eight.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should throw you out right now.
He was going to sue me.
No, he wasn't.
I asked the flat downstairs, there was never a leak.
She just threw them out when she realised it was porn.
Well, hadn't she signed a contract? No, Lee, she'd signed a six-month warranty on a tumble dryer.
The same as you if you'd bothered to read it.
Right.
Well, look on the bright side, I may have gone behind your back and allowed a porn film involving bestiality to be filmed in your living room, but if your tumble dryer ever breaks down You're only staying here on two conditions.
Which are? Firstly, stop treating the flat like you own it and, secondly, get a job.
And, as luck would have it, I've found one for you.
Pizza delivery boy? You've got to be joking.
Well, there is another option if you want, involving sex.
What? Take the pizza delivery job, or you can go and get f # Not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But that is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out # We are not going out.
#