Offspring (2010) s04e03 Episode Script

You don't believe in me.
Don't take it like that.
My partner, I wondered if there was some outside chance that you knew him? When the baby's born I'm gonna be the full-time nanny.
Who would also happen to be the baby's father.
So you can come back to work whenever you want to? If you want to make a complaint then you should ring the office landline.
Well, maybe I wasn't calling to make a complaint.
That didn't occur to you, did it? It's Martin.
I don't think I can do it.
You don't know what you're getting into - stress, responsibility.
If you can raise the capital, I'll sell Proudman Real Estate to you.
When I was an intern there was an emergency.
They sent me to find Dr Reid.
And I found him off his face on propofol.
And I reported him.
It was me.
Please please, don't say anything to Patrick.
Let me present this to you.
From what you've told me, the two of you met.
Hands up.
Clashed.
You know what your problem is? Your problem's you're thin-skinned.
Excuse me?! Then you had sex.
Then you clashed again.
It's like you just use men for a quick physical tune-up then you throw them away.
Sex again.
Clashed.
You're exasperating! You give me the shits.
Sex.
Break-up.
I don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with me.
Sex.
And, now you're expecting a baby.
And, in your own words, Nina, "When we argue, sometimes I get amped up and my heart races "and I just want to jump his bones and then it's all on.
"And it's amazing and we don't resolve the problem, "but, wow, I mean, wow, like, wow.
" And in your words, Patrick, "Yes, what she said.
" It's not the only mode of interaction that we have.
But it is Fun.
.
.
persistent.
Persistent? I'd like to help you guys establish a different strategy for dealing with issues in your relationship.
I'm going to give you some homework to do.
Homework! Yes, I'm good at homework.
Well, for the next week, your homework is to solve your problems without resorting to sex.
No, I'm not saying, "Don't have sex.
" I'm saying, "Don't avoid your problems with sex.
" OK, but what happens if we don't have any problems? Then you're in for a great week.
We DO have a big problem.
Had your hair done? Yeah, I had it done.
Oh.
It's more inspirational.
You know, the new face of Proudman Real Estate.
Of course.
The next time you see me I'm going to own it.
I've signed off with the bank and everything.
Already? Yeah, yeah.
I've got new letterhead.
I'm getting new head shots done today.
I've been practising faces at home, aiming for professional, trustworthy, yet inviting.
So, uh, there's this.
There's this.
And then there's this.
They're all very strong.
Mmm.
Oh, how's it going with the red-hot registrar? Is it still painful? I never described her as red-hot registrar.
You thought she slept with Patrick.
Yes, well, she didn't.
No?! No.
We we've spoken about it.
And it turns out she didn't.
So Mmm! So how come you're still all neurosis woman? I'm not neurosis woman.
I-I'd tell you, but it's just an incredibly delicate situation and Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! I can't.
Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! She reported Patrick for drug use.
What? She was the one, five years ago.
She dobbed him in! SHE'S the dibber-dobber! She was only doing what anyone would do, SHOULD do.
How did Patrick react? He What, does he know? Well, she reported him anonymously.
And I just haven't figured out Hey, how long have you known? Two days.
Two days?! Yeah, well, she said, don't tell! Who cares what she said? She's a red-hot dibber-dobber, Neens.
You're team Patrick.
I know that, but No, no buts, Neens.
The man impregnated you.
He put his seed in your womb.
There's a Patrick man sapling in the Nina lady garden.
Now, where's your loyalty? Well, he has my loyalty.
There are two very, very vulnerable people here.
And I'd appreciate it if you'd shut up and not tell me what to do, OK? I should remind you that very soon there's going to be a completely new person who's gonna be utterly and entirely dependent on your ability to handle stuff.
What has that got to do with anything? Just contextualising.
Oh, God, you smell good.
What is that? Soap and water.
Oh.
What are you doing? I'm just saying hello.
Mm-mm, you are saying goodbye because Kim has probably organised a singing monkey and a mariachi band.
Hmm! You gonna wake him up and say goodbye? No! Just for your first day at work.
No.
What?!? We're going to miss having you around.
Bye.
Mmm.
Mmm! Mm-mm.
Have a great day, honey.
Shh! Yeah.
Hat on.
Hat on! Hit it, monkey boy! Welcome back! Welcome back! Welcome back, Zar.
This is a bit much.
Thank you, everyone.
Is that my face? Sa, ba-ba, ba-ba! Sa ba-ba! Ba-ba! What are you doing? We're scatting.
Please stop.
Oh, thank God you're back.
You've got no idea what I've been through here.
Well, you did call me several times a day, every day! No, it's not the same.
It's pretty close.
I don't want to argue.
I'm just glad you're home.
OK, who wants cake? Yeah, ta.
Yeah, why not? Here she is.
Looks nervous.
Just keep things casual.
Zara, I'd like you to meet my new registrar, Eloise.
Hi.
Why are you clapping? That's weird, stop it.
Zara is our very good nurse and also the partner of my brother, Jimmy Proudman.
Eloise, cake.
Oh, no, thanks, I don't eat gluten.
Oh, you're intolerant? No.
I really admire that.
What? Oh, just the commitment it takes to eat conscientiously.
I was a vegetarian for a few years.
Are you referring to the time you ate nothing but Thai fish cakes for four days? Oh, be quiet, Kim.
I also gave up carbs for a while.
That was really hard work.
You gave up carbs for about three hours! Oh, shut up, Kim.
No-one likes a dobber! I mean, no-one likes a personal dobber.
Professional reporters of things, that's completely different.
Following correct procedure and reporting inappropriate behaviour.
Everyone likes people who do that.
What are you talking about? Could I please have a word, Eloise? Just just come in so we can just before we Just before Sorry for everything.
What you said, look, Eloise, I completely understand if you'd rather that I didn't tell Patrick about any of this.
But, I'm sorry, I have to.
Patrick's a different person now and he's really not gonna be in any way resentful towards you.
You don't know that, Nina.
You have no idea.
I shouldn't have said anything.
No! No, no, you were just doing what you felt was right, ethically and legally.
I meant to you.
I shouldn't have said anything to you.
Oh, no, I'm glad you did.
You see, it's just a very awkward situation.
No-one's at fault.
I think the best thing for everyone is we just get it all out in the open and move on.
Billie, sorry about the wait.
Come on through.
OK.
Just drop your stuff down.
So, have you had any head shots done before? No, no, no.
Well, you look fantastic.
Oh, really? Thank you.
Um, it's just trying to, you know, walk the line between, um Oh! OK, can I get you to turn a smidge to your left for me? Ah, your left.
Yep.
I wasn't really ready then.
Don't worry, I'm just setting up.
Actually, back to there.
You were better before.
Yep, there.
OK.
And just drop your chin down.
Yep, yep.
Oh, your eyes are amazing.
Oh, are they? Thanks.
Alright, now, just try to relax, alright? Sorry.
Here we go.
Sorry.
There you go.
What sort of music do you like, Billie? Just open with the good news.
"Patrick, you didn't have sex with an attractive stranger!" But there's a complication.
No, not necessarily a complication.
There's a coincidence and you should be aware of it.
Hello.
Hey.
You OK? Yeah, I've just had a shitty day.
OK, just let him offload first.
What kind of shitty? First, a 60-year-old patient forgets to tell me that he has asthma before surgery.
And now I'm trying to send this case report.
I don't know.
The email is not working.
You need a web password or? Patrick Kate Sorry.
No, no, you go.
And Kate rings to tell me she's seeing someone, some new bloke.
She's gone on two dates already.
Oh, that's great.
Isn't it? Yeah, I-I guess.
It just dredges up bad history.
OK.
Not an ideal launch pad.
Well, I've got good news.
I found out that you definitely didn't have sex with Eloise.
Did you just? I did.
Yeah? Yep.
Were you relieved? Hmm? Oh, OK.
Just a quick kiss.
Gear change.
What? Don't avoid with sex.
I don't think I was in any way ambiguous about the homework.
What are we avoiding here? Jesus! And what's the long-term cost? Shut up! What? Shut, uh God.
Nina, I'm trying to get on board.
Oh! Hey.
Hey, my beautiful man.
Mummy's here.
Yes.
Oh, Billie, I'm so happy for you.
The letterhead rocks, and the signage is frankly a desperately needed improvement.
The artwork's ready and I get to see the head shots today.
Oh, I can't wait to see them.
Just quietly, I think we've got some serious gold.
How are things going with, uh, I'm going to call it 'the situation'? Huh? You know, the dibber-dobber, the druggie reporting? Yeah, I get the code.
Yeah, so does Patrick know about it? Um, no.
No, that's what I was trying to No.
OK.
Billie, do you and Mick ever avoid things, by, I don't know, having sex? When his hair was blond, a couple of times I had to close my eyes.
What? Just a couple of times.
I got used to it.
I don't even understand that.
What? I'm asking if you and Mick ever have sex to avoid problems? Mick? Do we ever have sex to avoid problems? Sleeping! No, I don't think so.
I never got the whole messed-up-sex thing.
I mean, I know it's all the go in Europe, but I just don't get it.
You can't root your way out of problems.
It's just psychotic.
Why? Gotta go.
Hi.
Sorry, I know you've only just arrived.
I've just been so anxious.
Oh! No, you just, you really don't have to be.
Oh, really? He-he wasn't furious, or? Uh, oh no, no, no.
I-I-I just Oh, thank God.
I Sorry, I-I, just I just That's OK.
Hang on, is it? No, it's not.
I was sort of thinking I should just resign.
Oh, no! No, that that'd be crazy.
Uh, what'd he say? Hmm? Uh, well, he said He was he was very reflective.
What are you doing?! Sorry, you don't have to tell me your private conversations.
As long as he knows that I am happy to talk about it, if that's what he wants.
Oh, no, no.
I-I think I-I think he'd just be happy to let it be.
Happy chappie.
But I'll let him know.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What was that?! Good morning.
Oh, shh, shh, shh.
Oh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
That's it.
That's it.
Oh.
Oh, that's Mummy now.
We were just about to call you.
What's he doing? Not much.
He's just sucking on his sleeve.
Now he's staring at his hand.
Oh, he's pretty grizzly, really.
Yeah, he doesn't sound that grizzly.
Oh, he's just done wee on me.
I've got to go, someone needs me.
Was that the first giggle? You saw nothing, you heard nothing.
No smile, no giggle, no gum.
Till Zara sees it, it did not happen.
Capisce? What didn't happen? Oh! Sorry.
I got caught up.
Everything OK? Yep! We haven't ordered yet.
We? What? Hello, my darling.
Oh! Hi.
Hi, Dad.
What are you doing here? Well I invited him.
Oh, lovely.
And suspicious.
Well, isn't this a nice surprise? It's not often that we get to sit down together and have a Oh, God, you're pregnant! No.
What?! No.
No, no.
That's off the table.
No.
Oh! Uh, well, Cherie and I have made a decision.
We want to take Ray on a trip around Australia.
Oh, right! That it? Quite a long trip.
How long? Until he starts kindy.
Oh, right.
Well, you remember how fantastic our trip was in '93, in the kombi? Oh, I do.
Yes.
Well, we want to give that to Ray.
Oh, OK.
Oh, wow.
Me.
Darcy Proudman.
Oh, Simon, yup.
Um, sure.
Oh, sorry.
I'm just I'm a bit surprised, I guess.
What about Martin? I can't stay with Martin.
I wish I could, I just can't.
Well, have you told him? I keep chickening out.
He knows something's wrong.
I-I can't do intimacy when I'm avoiding something.
Can't you? I'm telling him tonight.
We're having a picnic and I'm gonna break it to him.
Oh, has-has Dad told anyone else in the family? No.
He's doing that this arvo.
Oh! So this would be your, what, fourth or your fifth midlife crisis, Darcy? I wouldn't call it that.
What would you call it? An adventure.
Ha! So are you gonna go back to all the big stuff - the Big Merino? Ah, yeah.
Yeah? The Big Prawn? What about your other children? Well, they're adults now.
What about Billie? What about me? I always imagined that that you'd be on call.
Well, I will be.
No, but seriously on call.
You know, like Nina is delivering babies, except with houses and contracts and weird councils and farty tenants.
Billie you'll be fine.
Well, well, well, Reidy-boy.
- Oh, I missed you, Kim.
- Oi, careful! If you still worked here, I'd have to get HR onto you for that.
Well, standby, I heard there's an opening.
I thought I might throw my hat in.
Don't you get enough of her at home? She in her office? Dunno.
Oh, it's not your fault, Phillip.
I think Dad just wants to spend more time with Ray.
Your mother seemed to believe it was entirely my fault.
Well, at the start of the conversation, it was entirely Darcy's fault, but then it became mine for a while, then she seemed to lean back towards Darcy with the occasional mention of Cherie.
She became quite intoxicated Oh! Hang on, Phillip.
Yes? Patrick's here.
Patrick? In your office.
I've got to go, Phillip.
No, no, no, no.
Nina, Nina! No, got to go.
Nina! Dr Reid? Yeah? I'm Eloise.
Ward.
Nina's told me a lot about you.
She's been really wonderful to me.
Especially given the circumstances.
Circumstances? I just thought I'd take this opportunity to apologise in person.
Sorry? I don't understand what Hello there! Oh, I didn't expect you to pop in like this.
Hi, lovely.
I was just dealing with a family crisis, of course.
Dad's all tripping off in a caravan, like a hobo.
Well, oh, actually, can you be a hobo in a caravan? Probably not.
Probably need the outdoors, don't you? Hobos seem more on foot kind of people, don't you think? Oh, Patrick, I was just I forgot.
Sorry, can we just? Yeah.
I forgot.
Nina, what are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, I just How do you do these? Here, here.
No, don't break it.
OK.
I just Sorry.
What's wrong with you? I just I have to tell you something.
Something quite terrible.
What? What?! Eloise.
That Eloise Yeah? When she was an intern, she found you unconscious and .
.
and she went on to report you anonymously.
Oh, God.
An intern! How long have you known? Oh, not long.
When were you going to tell me? Well, I actually planned to tell you last night.
Why the fuck didn't you? Well, because - this is gonna sound pathetic - but you were upset.
What?! You were in a bad mood.
A bad mood?! Then you were in a really good mood.
Yeah, then you had sex with me for about four hours! Mmm.
That that is correct.
Was that about this? Well, possibly, a little bit, in part.
Oh, I think we can be more definitive about that.
And I was thinking, "Oh, my God, this is the pregnancy hormones!" Yeah, it was probably that.
Although, if we consider the ongoing patterns of your relationship Patrick, I'm sorry.
I didn't know how you'd react and I thought if I told you, you might Do you have such little faith in me? No, I just Nina.
I have so much faith in you, I Hey, hey, hey We're doing it again.
Oh, God! Well, should we go and talk to her together now? No, I just need a moment to get my head around it.
Yep, sorry.
Yes.
Could you give me her number, please? Yep, I can do that.
Should just tell you a couple of other things.
Oh, God! What? Well, I may have implied that you've known about this for about 24 hours and and that you no longer resent the person that reported you.
Is that terribly inaccurate? Just give me her number.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing here? I know you're busy.
He just wouldn't take the bottle, so Didn't get far into the day before you started grizzling for your mum, did you, little mate? Oh! Did you just hear that? What? I heard it.
Oh, he just laughed.
Oh, he just laughed.
Are you sure? Because he was straining in the car on the way here and he's been on the nose all morning.
Oh, he just laughed, didn't you? Yes, you did.
Hello! Every single thing has already turned to shit.
Every single thing? Two things.
Dad's leaving.
Yeah.
You bought his business off him.
No, no - he's physically leaving.
He's going on some ridiculous grey nomad spiritual quest for, like, a decade.
And the head shots - they just emailed the proofs through.
Look at them.
Whoa.
OK.
See, they're all wrong.
All of them.
They're just all different flavours of "What the hell?" Oh, surely they can't all be Mmm.
Oh.
Oh, why did you go upside down? Mick! Did you do any just standard ones? Yeah, and I look like a Scientologist.
Ah! There, that one.
No, no, my eyes are too open.
No.
No, I look like Marty Feldman.
Who's Marty Feldman? The guy with the too-open eyes.
Yeah, OK.
It's all gone.
I've fucked everything up, Mick, and Dad's not even gone yet.
No.
No, you haven't.
No, I can't do it, Mick.
I thought I could and I can't.
Actually, I don't even think I even thought I could.
You can.
OK? You're the most determined person I've met in my entire life.
And I love you.
Hang on.
Is this just messed-up sexy time? What? Did I just go with the pash because my life's turned to shit? Because that's what Nina and Patrick do.
I genuinely think your life is a dramatically long way from shit.
So this is OK? I'm good with it.
Yeah.
What a delightful initiative this was, Cherie.
Cheers.
No matter how intoxicating one's domestic situation may be, one should never underestimate the stimulating effect of a fresh environment.
A deviation in routine.
That is true.
But, um .
.
that is not the reason why we're here, Martin.
Sorry.
No.
You must have noticed I've been withdrawn recently.
Well, yes, well, I've I've observed a slight fluctuation but within the parameters of oscillation.
Martin you are so thoughtful.
And you're kind and honest and extraordinarily attentive sexually.
Well You deserve to be happy.
But you're unhappy? No, I'm not unhappy.
II just can't live with you.
Is this about the feng shui because I'm having my No, it's not about the feng shui.
It's Ray.
I want to take Ray around Australia with Darcy.
It's an opportunity I just can't pass up.
Oh, for a moment there I thought we were breaking up.
Rrr! No we ARE breaking up.
I love you, Martin, I - I just Just not enough.
- Would you like a chocolate crackle? - Yes, I want one.
Hello! Hey.
Hey.
Oh, Patrick, I'm, once again, I'm so sorry.
No, we don't have to go over it again.
I've already called her.
It's fine.
Oh, you Right.
You've Wow.
Already? Mm-hm.
How'd it go? About as well as it could.
We didn't talk for very long but she wants us to meet up for a drink, so Shit.
Better get cracking.
What? Now? On Gertrude Street.
Oh, no, you can't.
Well, I've got look after Isabella.
What? Kate's got a date.
I said we would.
Oh, well, it's between me and Eloise, anyway.
Oh.
OK.
Look, I don't need you to hold my hand, Nina.
Yeah, I know that.
But, actually, I'm caught in the middle of you two.
And you're handling it so well.
OK.
I deserve that.
But you don't have to punish me.
Punish you? Nina, I'm doing this FOR you.
To make it easier for you.
What, do you think I want to meet up with a girl who reported me and have a drink? Do you think that I want to? Oh, God.
What? Having a surge of of attraction.
Are you? Yes.
What is wrong with us?! Fuck it.
No! Wait, wait, wait.
Patrick, wait.
Come on.
We can do it.
Let's wait.
OK.
What I really want to say is that I understand that I've handled this Sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you put some pants on.
You're not even looking at me.
Just knowing you've got no pants on! OK.
Any pants! Shorts will do.
I'm selecting.
Oh, fuck it.
That'll be Kate.
You've got wipes, nappies, snacks, sippy cups, toys, you can basically take her off road, for a week.
Shall we follow a schedule or something? No, do whatever works.
If she's grizzly, just try a change or a snack or a tickle.
And if she caves your head in, just give me a call.
Are the shoes slutty? Bit slutty.
They're gorgeous.
Was I asking you? Just go.
Have a great time.
OK.
Alright.
Just give me a call if there's anything that We will.
Just go.
OK.
Bye, darling.
Thank you.
You alright? Mmm.
Won't be long.
8:30 at the latest.
It's alright.
Take your time.
Sure you're alright? I'm fine.
See ya.
Hi.
Hi.
Sorry, I had no idea this place was so noisy.
No, it's fine.
We can go somewhere else if you'd prefer? No, no.
Would you like a wine? I, I don't drink.
Oh! Of course, of course.
Sorry! You know what? Maybe one.
Good evening.
I hope you have a great night tonight.
Tonight, we've got some really good stuff coming your way.
It's a fact! Normal people find lycra confronting.
What about all the people at gyms? No.
All the people at aerobics classes? No! That's totally different.
Gym lycra is unfortunate but full bike lycra is, like, an insult to all humanity.
You know, I reckon you are all talk.
What? Like a homophobe.
Oh, my God! You're an idiot.
Nah, you make all this noise about it but secretly, I reckon you wanna have a crack.
Yeah, right.
Like, late at night, I wanna close all my curtains and get out my secret lycra stash.
So your daughter's not here tonight? No.
She's in excellent hands.
OK, I think it might be time for bed.
Oh yes.
Oh! Who's that? Who's that? Oh, I think it's Uncle Patrick.
I think it's oh, Billie.
Hello, beautiful girl.
Hello, Auntie Billie.
What's she doing here? I'm looking after her.
By yourself? Yeah, well, yeah.
OK, I need to show you something, Neens.
I need you to be brutally honest, OK? I need you to be me.
OK, Mick says it's great but he's legally required to.
OK, I NEED honesty.
Oh Billie.
Oh, it's it is great.
You're not bullshitting me? OK, what's the worst thing about it? Nothing.
No, least good thing.
Well, I mean, I can't I couldn't Imagine somebody has a gun and they've asked you to define the least satisfactory element of the Billie Proudman Real Estate placard and if you don't do it, they're gonna shoot you in the head several times.
Oh, the hair? What's wrong with the hair?! Nothing! It's great.
It really is.
You look confident, and trustworthy and intelligent.
It looks just like you.
Where's Patrick? Oh, he's um He'll just be home in a minute.
"And then the scruffy bear ran into the house.
" Neens, I strongly believe that you should call him.
"He ran this way and that till he could run no more.
" They're an hour and 40 minutes late.
There are only two possible explanations.
Right, it's either been a horrible disaster and he's gone all 'doom' Patrick, or it's been a raging success and they're connecting on some level you couldn't possibly hope to understand.
It's fine.
I just really need her to go to sleep.
Should I call them? It's fine.
Don't pretend to know why you're here.
Don't pretend to be innocent.
Neither one of us is innocent.
I am broken, scarred.
But worst of all, I pour my problems into messed-up sex.
And one of your biggest problems Is you.
Oh, you're texting him? What are you saying? Should I go? Because I can.
Do you want me to? No.
I don't want you to do that.
I just I'm I just need for her to go to sleep and for you You've got a business to run tomorrow.
You should go.
Oh I mean, look at us, eh, Neens.
Me, heading off into the world.
You know, building my brand.
You, staying at home nursing a baby.
Patrick out late with an impossibly attractive young woman.
It's a sign of things to come.
Night, Billie.
Where IS he? Jimmy.
Yeah? You need to get a job.
Is this from the kitchen or? Jimmy.
What? I don't wanna do this.
I thought I did but I don't want to be nursing other people's babies every day.
You know, some days, yes, but .
.
you know, not every day.
Some days I just wanna be here.
Maybe I should get a job.
Hey.
Hello.
Sorry.
Lost track of time.
Went well? Yeah.
It was pretty overwhelming.
I didn't realise how traumatic it must've been for her too.
What, reporting you? Just everything.
Even just seeing me in the state that I was in.
I pretty much told her everything.
Like us and Jodie Oh.
Yeah.
I know, I didn't expect to.
And she was worried that I'd blame her too.
Did you, a bit? Well, maybe.
But then I realised it was her reporting me that put me on the path that led me here.
I got a bit paranoid when you were late.
Yeah, I can tell.
I understand.
It's just such a difficult situation.
Mmm.
Well, we're sorting it out.
Not avoiding it anymore.
Talking it through like grown-ups.
Aunts'd be proud.
So can we have sex now? Yep.
OK.
That's you.
I'm asleep.
It could be Kate.
She might be missing her Isabella.
What the hell does that mean?