Only Murders in the Building (2021) s04e03 Episode Script
Two for the Road
1
[MABEL MORA] They wanna
make a movie of our podcast?
Paramount?
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE] They
wanna fly us all out to LA
for some meeting next week.
- [MABEL] I'm Eva Longoria.
- [CHARLES] I'm Eugene Levy?
- [OLIVER PUTNAM] I'm
- [BEV MELON] Oliver, this is Zach Galifi
Oh, yes! Zach Galifragilistic.
I'm out. I'm done.
Are we sure that the killer was
after Ben, and not you, Charles?
[CHUCKLES] What?
I've been gettin' some vibes.
I also have my ham radio,
and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.
[CHARLES] It's been a week, and
Sazz's Bulgarian left shoulder
and knee are still in that incinerator.
- [CLOTHES RUSTLE]
- Hello, Charles.
[WHEEZING SCREAMS]
I broke out because
I'm worried about Sazz.
She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.
[CHARLES] She was looking
into someone who lives here?
[JAN BELLOWS] She said
she thought there might be
another murderer in the building.
[CHARLES] The Westies.
[MABEL] We've met everybody
except for Christmas Guy
and whoever's in that place
with the lockbox on it?
- Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
- [KICKS LEG]
- Dudenoff?
- [BEEPING, CLICKS]
Oh, goody. It works.
♪
This must be the sniper's nest.
- A ham radio.
- Is this tinsel?
Oliver! He's so cute.
- Oh! The pig's loose!
- [SQUEALING]
We worked together almost 40 years.
We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene.
Did she write a message with her blood?
And then Sazz would say
- Tap in.
- "Tap in."
[MABEL] Charles, do you
know what that means?
Yes. I do.
[JAUNTY STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
[ZACH GALIFIANAKIS] I once had
an acting teacher who said,
"Finding your character is a lot
like a detective finding a killer."
His thinking went you build
this character piece by piece.
What are their physical qualities?
Their skills or special talents?
Their motivations?
♪
You keep doing that, asking and
answering a million questions,
until there's only one person
in the whole world who
fits that description.
[SLOW DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Your character.
Anyway, that's obviously bullshit.
As a proud Greek man, presumably
descended from Thespis himself,
trust me when I say
acting is easy.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Close the door.
Alright, so I'm gonna
say this really quick
'cause I'm not supposed to be
here. It's not even public yet.
And I really need you guys to
know that at the end of the day
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Detective,
are you helping us right now?
Come on, cut that shit out!
Just stay focused. I'm
trying to talk to you.
Do you like us? She totally likes us.
If she ever did, she doesn't now.
Thank you, Mora. The
feds are now on the case.
They don't want me involved,
that's fine. But the least I can do
is feed you idiots some
useful information. So
- She likes us.
- She totally likes us.
Can I just talk, please?
I wanna do a little cop
monologue right now, okay?
Let's all just pretend
we're on Law & Order,
and I'm Olivia Benson.
Can I have my moment?
- Yes, absolutely.
- Of course. Or Aristotle Brazzos.
I I don't I
don't know what that is.
- [OLIVER SNICKERS]
- So,
the feds think that Jan has
something to do with this.
Now, of course, she hadn't escaped yet,
but they're thinking she hired someone,
and they're suspecting
that she's gone to Florida
because there's a shit ton of
orchestras and sex toy shops.
The shooter, very good.
A single .300 Win Mag casing was found
in the West Tower in apartment 14F,
belonging to a tenant by
the name of M. Dudenoff,
retired professor,
who the neighbors are
conveniently saying
he's not in town. He's in Portugal.
Well, that's suspicious.
Exactly. That's what I said, Mora.
That's really fucking suspicious
'cause who in the absolute
fuck would wanna go to Portugal
when you got Spain? Right?
I digress.
Neighbors are busy playing card
games when they hear the gunshot,
except for one tenant.
Rudy Thurber.
He's like some Christmas
freak or something.
You know the types who
are like, "Oh, my God,
it's 364 sleeps until
Christmas." That kinda guy.
What is key to note,
Sazz's phone has been turned off,
but we are reviewing
the CCTV in that area.
Alright, that's my whole thing. So now,
please feel free to ask what
other questions you have.
You really don't know Aristotle Brazzos?
I just did all of that,
and that's all you got?
Well, i-it doesn't matter.
The feds feds have it wrong.
Jan didn't kill Sazz. You
have to trust me on that.
I do. I just
I don't know if Sazz was the target.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
W-Well, be honest. Do you
think someone over there
could hate me enough to try and kill me?
Don't make her answer that.
Look, if this is the part where
you tell us not to investigate,
you're wasting your time.
Yeah, I know. After
three seasons, I got that.
Well, even if I was the target,
I still have to solve this for Sazz.
I'm tapping in.
[DETECTIVE DONNA WILLIAMS]
What are you even talking about?
This is serious shit here now! Focus
Oh, my God!
[EUGENE LEVY] Well
I guess this sends the
investigation into a
whole new direction.
That's Aristotle Brazzos. From
Brazzos. The show I was on.
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, hello, Hollywood A-listers!
What are you doing here? I promise
I won't leak it to the trades.
We celebrities value our privacy.
The Brothers Sisters
thought it'd be a good idea
if we followed you for a day.
You know, do a character study.
I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2.
I shadowed a baby. Yeah.
And we still text every day.
Oh, I love it.
Zach! You want to come learn
more about Oliver Putnam?
Study at the foot of the master?
That's right. So much to learn.
Definitely didn't take this job
just thinking it would be easy money.
Now, personally, I was
pushing for one more day,
just a little more
time to take a deep dive
into this complex man.
Eugene, you realize you're
playing Charles, right?
[EVA LONGORIA] Hey, twin.
[LAUGHS] I've been practicing my Mabel.
Uh, look, n-now's not a good time.
There's been another murder.
[GASPS] Yay! Oh!
Forget the character study.
We're gonna solve a murder today?
- Oh, I'm gonna get us some snacks.
- [MABEL] Not you.
[SIGHS]
Galifianakis?
That scrumptious fuckable baklava
is portraying you in a movie?
Oh no, that is all wrong.
That's so messed up!
I didn't realize you were on a
Mediterranean diet, Detective.
- Would you like me to make an intro?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not ready, I'm not ready. But,
if anything happens to
that delicious little man,
I'll kill you myself.
- [OLIVER WHIMPERS]
- Don't fuck with my Zach pass.
Obviously, the actors can't stay.
No! This is a murder investigation,
not some acting exercise
for Eva Longoria.
- Charles is still in danger.
- Yeah, bu just hear me out.
You get one shot at a biopic.
Maybe two if you're someone
special like Marilyn Monroe
or Jeffrey Dahmer,
and the first 24 hours of character
study are the most crucial.
I need Zach Galifianakis to fall
in love with his character today.
- [COUGHS]
- [NUTS CLATTER]
Okay, well you've been outvoted.
Charles, you get it.
You were an actor once.
Don't you want Eugene
Levy to learn the real you?
Me? The unlikeable guy
that everyone wants to kill?
No, thanks. And my ego isn't so delicate
that I need random validation
from a Emmy award-winning actor.
[EUGENE] Charles?
The History of Wood?
Looks and brains?
Eugene, you have big shoes to fill.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- You know,
- maybe the actors could be helpful.
- [LAUGHS] Yes!
What?
♪
- [BLINDS RATTLE]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING DOWN BELOW]
[EVA] We stare at boxes,
wondering what it must feel like
to have an apartment of our own.
A feeling of permanence
for once in our life.
What? No.
- And stop saying "we."
- [EVA] Hmm.
That's where the shot was fired,
and anyone on that floor
could've used the code to get in.
[SLURPING] Mm
I'm sorry, are you drinking
at 10 in the morning?
Yeah, I'm getting into character.
I don't drink at 10 in the morning.
No, my Mabel does.
- She's a tableau of vices.
- [CHARLES] Alright.
Williams said the bullet
was a Winchester .300 Magnum.
Developed in the '60s,
it remains the most popular
cartridge among hunters.
I learned that on Brazzos.
I know, I know. Episode 403,
A Lady and Her Luger.
So, our killer is a hunter.
[RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
Little did they know that the hunter
was about to become the hunted.
- Zach, are you getting this?
- [ZACH] Oh yeah.
Say a hacky joke every
couple of minutes,
- something, something, Zsa Zsa Gabor.
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]
- Lotta nuance.
- Y you certainly have my wit.
How could anyone hate this American icon
enough to wanna try and kill him?
It boggles the mind.
Oh, it's really quite simple.
If you ever saw him consume
a plate of peel-and-eat
shrimp, you'd get it.
[CHARLES] A bullet that size
would have a bit of kick.
So, is that eye patch covering
antibiotic-resistant pink eye
- or a bruise from the recoil of a gun?
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, well, I've heard enough. [LAUGHS]
We have our killer!
My Mabel's confident.
Okay, uh, please don't
ever touch my murder board.
We met Vince. There's no way he's
strong enough to carry Sazz's body.
Rudy Thurber, on the other hand,
"Christmas All the Time
Guy," he's pretty jacked.
- Mm-hmm, I've heard enough.
- [PUTS GLASS DOWN]
We have our killer.
My Mabel can admit when she's wrong.
Charles, does this man
have any reason to hate you?
No!
Well, maybe the Christmas tree thing.
I got everyone to sign a petition
banning real Christmas trees.
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
- They're a fire hazard.
They are that.
But who would kill someone
over something like that?
Someone whose whole
identity is loving Christmas.
Okay, but he was out of town
the night Sazz was killed.
Or was he? We found this
by the window at Dudenoff's.
It kind of looks like Christmas tinsel.
That could place Rudy
here that night after all.
Yes! Yes.
- Killer!
- Again with the touching.
"Ooh! Looks like Rudy the Red Hot
Reindeer has been caught red-handed!"
Something, something, Bea Arthur.
[WEAK LAUGH]
I still vote Vince Fish.
[TEXTING]
Why choose? We can divide and conquer.
Uh, you and Eugene go and see Vince,
and Mabel and Eva visit Rudy.
Alright! I'm gonna go fire
my agent and visit my kids.
- Thanks, everybody!
- [OLIVER] No! I mean
No. Y-You and I have
something very important to do
back at my apartment. Um
Uh, monitor this ham radio
that we got from Dudenoff's.
And
should you fall in love with me
because of my relentless charm assault,
then that's okay, too. Let's
["BOTANY BAY" ON CONCERTINA PLAYING]
[DISSONANT CONCERTINA PLAYING ALONG]
[CHARLES] Pink eye? Or the
bruise from the recoil of a gun?
How to get an eye patch off?
How to get an eye patch off?
I got it.
- [CONCERTINA BLARES, STOPS]
- I got it.
You ask for a glass of
water. I tell a great joke.
You do a spit take. You
spray water all over his face.
And then, when he's
when he's drying his face,
he's forced to remove the eye patch.
That's one of the stupidest
things I've ever come out with.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Charles. I'm
still a little nervous.
I'm nervous playing you.
- I get it. It's a challenge.
- [EUGENE] 'Cause, you know,
I've only played the
dullest pencils in the drawer
'cause I thought they were the
funniest, but you're not funny.
I mean, yeah, you do have a
dull pencil quality about you,
but what you did with Brazzos
I mean, you know, th-th-the
fearlessness, the complexity.
I used to say to myself,
"Am I watching a TV show,
or am I watching a doctorate-level
physics class?" [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHING] Oh, stop!
Unless you had more to say.
No, I think that was it.
I'm nervous, you're fearless
No, that was it.
- [CONCERTINA SQUEAKS]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
I got it.
I know how to get that eye patch off.
[EVA] Hey, slow down,
slow down! What's the plan?
How do we approach Rudy?
What do we do, tackle him?
Accuse him? Watch him squirm?
I'd like to stay away
from sexual manipulation.
I mean, I'm not closed off to
it because I'm good at it. But
Okay, "Mabel." I think there's
been a misunderstanding here.
Oh, hey, are we attached to "Mabel"?
- I'd say so.
- [EVA SIGHS]
It's just such an old person
name, [SCOFFS] which we are not.
So, I think we can do
better. What about, um
[GASPS] Mabél?
[LAUGHING] Yes. Yes!
It's giving elusive.
It's giving mysterious. It's giving,
"Where are you from,
and can I go there?"
Bayport, Long Island, and no.
Oliver and I found this
tinsel in the sniper's nest.
So I need to go to Rudy's
and see if it matches
any of the tinsel there
without tipping him off.
What? We're just gonna go snoop
on the Christmas freak? Ugh!
God, we are young women of action.
I say we go there and
press his Christmas buttons
and provoke him until he confesses.
Or he could kill us because,
I don't know, he might be a killer.
Do you wanna know about Mabel?
[EVA] Mm.
Mabel works alone.
Fine.
Mabél doesn't stay
where she's not wanted.
- It's Mabel!
- [SOFT JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MOUTHING] What?
[RUMBLING]
Zach?
Um, I feel we got off on the wrong foot.
- Can we start over?
- Yeah.
[SIGHS] My ass is looking
good Look at that.
I see you've mastered my morning mantra.
We Putnams are known
for our dump trucks.
No wonder they cast you. [LAUGHS]
So, what I like to do is
work from the outside in.
What would the character wear?
How do their clothes make you feel?
I'm more of an inside-out guy.
I read the inside of the script,
and then I say the words
outside of my mouth.
Ah.
- I see. Yeah.
- Pretty easy.
Weren't we supposed to be doing
something with a ham radio?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, no, any idiot can do that.
[HOWARD MORRIS] Hello?
[PIG GRUNTING]
My ears are burning.
Huh.
So you're who they cast.
Well, I can see why. I mean,
where else would they have
found bearded comic relief?
[NERVOUS LAUGH] Jealousy and
yellow are not good colors on you.
Also, the pig?
Was found wandering the
halls, very depressed.
But, we're gonna cheer you
up and have a great day.
Isn't that right, Natalie Porkman?
I'm guessing names and
waiting for a reaction.
George Swinebrenner.
She's obviously a she, funny man.
Gloria Swineham then.
[MUTED SARCASTIC LAUGH]
Howard, uh, monitor this ham radio.
I-I need to get Zach into character.
Seriously, Oliver, I
think w-we're done here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop quiz, hotshot.
Uh, you're Oliver Putnam.
You're six Cosmos deep at Joe Allen
when Frank Rich picks a fight.
Who is the definitive Mrs. Lovett,
Lansbury or LuPone?
- LuPone?
- [OVERLAPPING AGHAST CHATTER]
[HOWARD] Go. Just go. This
guy needs a lot of work.
[SOFT WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[SIGHS]
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING INSIDE APARTMENT]
Ugh. What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Solving a murder.
Mabél works alone, remember?
Who's there? Ooh! Do
we have company, Eva?
[EVA] I guess.
Oh, hello.
What's this?
Well, I was just bringing around
comedy legend, uh, Eugene Levy,
to help everyone cope with the
recent murders in the building.
You know, maybe bring a few smiles.
- And what's with the eye patches?
- Thanks for asking.
It just, uh, it turns
out that Eugene and I
both simultaneously,
uh, developed this, uh,
pesky, uh, conjunctivitis, and, uh
But thankfully, uh, we have
this these new amazing drops.
And we were thinking that if your patch
is covering the same thing,
you know, pesky conjunctivitis,
y-you may wanna remove
it, uh, right here, and
That's right, and I would
be happy to share my drops.
Y-You know what? I'll pass, okay?
I-I-I tried every drop
on the market. Here
W-Wait! Wait! Uh, wait, I get
it. I get it. You've tried
everything [LAUGHS] on the market,
but you will change your tune
when you when you
hear my friend's tale.
My tale?
Mm-hmm. The tale you told me last week
- at, uh, at the Improv.
- Oh.
Oh, y-yes, and Uh,
well, my tale is simple.
Uh, my, my cousin is an ophthalmologist.
Dr. Savage. Salazar Savage.
Yes, and,
uh, his, u-uh, father, m-my uncle,
uh, he went to Paraguay
as a missionary in the '40s
to help convert
the indigenous
Montaguayo people
- and raise his only son.
- Again, th-the genius,
but criminally obscure
Dr. Salazar Savage.
Yes, and
- I-I'm sorry. Where is this going?
- I'll tell you where this is going!
My cousin developed a
cutting-edge pink eye treatment
from the native, uh, lava cactus
Which is not available here
due to some trivial FDA regulations,
and I will not go
into detail about that.
Yeah, anyway, the point is
Oh, thank God, yes! The point being
The point is I was
recently sent a bottle
of this amazing stuff,
uh, from Asunción.
Which is the actual capital of Paraguay.
Alright, fine, fine, fine. I'll
Yeah, I-I-I'll try it. Uh
S-So what you do is [STAMMERING]
Is you just, uh, pull
down your eye patch,
and you put in, uh, 16 drops.
I think I know how
to use an eye dropper.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, you really wanna
do it here because
we want to video it,
so we can send the tape to Dr. Salavar?
- Dr. Savage.
- Savage.
I'll be right back.
- [TRAIN WHISTLING]
- ["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING]
Ho ho ho! Here we go!
Two protein eggnogs! Yummy!
It's my personal recipe, patent pending.
Actually, Eva, I'm
something of a mogul myself.
- Mm.
- [MABEL] Mm.
- That's thick.
- Oh, thank you!
The secret: more egg than nog.
And ground deer hoof.
So, I-I'm sorry to barge
in on you like this.
I'm not sure what Eva
Longoria has told you, but
Oh, I told him we're
investigating the murder.
- Of course you did.
- And that we're looking for clues.
We're gonna have answers by
the end of day. [CRUNCHES]
Unrelated. Rudy, uh,
your home is so cozy.
I love Christmas decorations.
But I-I have to say, you, uh,
you're missing my favorite.
What's that? Advent calendar?
I have five. Nutcrackers?
I got a whole family.
12-foot-tall snowman? I
had to put him in my room.
People were put off by the scale
and anatomical correctness.
Oh, that makes sense.
No, I meant tinsel. Do
you have any of that?
- [RADIO STARTS PLAYING]
- Standing tall ♪
[MABEL] Is that the
Perfect Strangers theme?
Is that a ham radio?
Yeah, it's a gift from a friend.
Here, lemme just get rid of that.
[STATIC, RADIO STOPS]
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hey, Mabél, look around.
There's no tinsel.
Uh, look around.
There's a gun on the wall
and another ham radio.
There has to be tinsel.
He probably just hid it
because you were telling
him we're looking for clues.
Okay, stop saying tinsel!
Let's just provoke a
reaction outta the guy,
so he can confess by my 7:30 dinner.
By the way, I have a 7:30 dinner,
and I'd love to tell everybody
I solved a murder today.
Eva, m-my friend is in very real
danger. We're not provoking a killer
so that you can share some
charming anecdote with
Roger Federer, Anderson
Cooper, Michelle Obama,
and the lady from Shark
Tank. Barb something.
[SIGHS] Okay, well, we'll
try to get you out by 6:00.
- Great.
- [GRABS PHONE]
[SIGHS]
[OLIVER] You may think
it's silly, but
when I was a kid, I had a dream
that I would live a life that, someday,
someone would wanna turn into a film.
And now, all I want is it
to be the best film ever made.
Wow, that's really brave
for you to admit that,
but probably not for
the reasons you think.
Okay. I-I'm sorry.
I get it. You don't wanna be forgotten.
Oh. Who could ever forget Oliver Putnam?
Right. Right.
So, let's give a lift
to that hair Oh, boy.
[SPUTTERS]
It's gonna be a little journey here.
- [SIGHS]
- I do have one question though.
I just need a second here.
All those stories that you tell.
[OLIVER SIGHS]
There's no way they're true, right?
Well, the key to an Oliver Putnam story
- is that you want it to be true.
- Yeah.
It should take place
between 1960 and 1980,
it should involve a celebrity
who you're shocked to
discover is still alive
Hmm.
and the best ones
take place in a nightclub
that's now an Applebee's.
Or involve a drug that no longer exists.
Okay, now
close your eyes.
Ooh! Someone just got back from Ibiza.
Where I did opium with Barbara
Eden at a Souplantation?
[GROANS]
No one gets it the first time.
- Okay.
- Come on! Come here.
- [LOUD SNORT]
- [IMITATES SNORT]
- [GROANS]
- [IMITATES GROAN]
["PERFECT STRANGERS THEME" PLAYING]
Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
Nothing to rearrange ♪
Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪
No matter what the
odds are this time ♪
Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
Whatever this is
This flame in my heart ♪
I hate it.
Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
Standing tall ♪
On the wings of my dream ♪
Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
♪
[SONG ENDS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, he's gonna be out any second.
Any second, Charles. Do
you have another plan?
- I have a plan. I have a plan.
- Good. Good.
And it is
Oh, my God, I'm in a
murderer's apartment,
- and you don't have a plan!
- [VINCE FISH] Okay, thanks.
Here you go. Let's hope that they work.
Um, um, listen, before
we go, um, I'm wondering
i-i-if you can, uh,
bring my friend Charles
a glass of, uh, water.
Sure. I'm a restaurant now.
We're not doing your spit take plan!
I don't think we have
a choice. I tell a joke,
you spit in his face, we get
to see under his eye patch!
If he hates me, and he's a murderer,
and he can shoot directly
into my apartment,
maybe I shouldn't spit in his face?
Good point. That's a good point.
But he can still murder me.
- [VINCE] Here you go.
- Yeah.
Oh, here's the water
you wanted. Anyway, uh,
so these two snails are
vacationing in Beverly Hills
[STAMMERING] Here.
Try it, try it, try it.
A-A priest and a and a
duck walk into a synagogue
No, that's not funny. You take
it. You drink You drink it.
You drink it. You
drink it. You drink it.
Anyway, these two cannibals
are sitting down to a nice
meal of baked asshole of clown.
- [SPITS]
- What the?
- [GRUNTS]
- [GLASS FALLS]
And one cannibal says to the
other, "This taste funny to you?"
[EUGENE GROANS]
That's That's not a bruise.
That is a pink pink eye.
Yeah!
Antibiotic-resistant pink eye!
[EUGENE GROANS]
- Nothing, nothing
- [CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
- You wanna help out here?
- No, I'm kinda busy.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh! Uh, nothing. I was, uh,
just admiring this so sweet and
- [SANTA TOY] Ho ho ho.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, no, please.
- [SANTA TOY] Ho ho ho.
- Don't touch him.
- Uh, yeah.
- [TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
- Mrs. Claus is a lucky lady. [LAUGHS]
Oh, great.
Dinner got moved up to 6:30.
Time to land this plane.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, Rudy.
[MABEL] No, no, no, no, no!
- Does this piss you off?
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [GASPS]
- What
- Or
- [RUDY THURBER] Hey! No, no, no!
- What about this?
- [RUDY] Don't
- [SHATTERING]
- Why?
Oh, and by the way, your eggnog sucks.
- Aw!
- [EVA] What you gonna do about it?
[MOCKING] You gonna cry?
Are you gonna cry about it?
[NORMAL] 'Cause word on the street
is you get a little murderous
when somebody tries to
ruin Christmas! [GASPS]
- Ooh! [LAUGHS]
- [RUDY] Hey, don't touch that!
I bet you that's very triggering!
- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?!
I'm solving the murder. Admit
it! Christmas is all you have.
Yeah, Christmas and fitness.
Fitness is clearly important
to you. That is not lost on me,
but, mostly, you love Christmas.
So, when your scrooge of a neighbor
tries to take away your real
Christmas trees, you snapped.
Eva, put the gun down.
And once you had
Charles in your sights
- Eva Longoria's unhinged.
- That is correct.
- you shot him!
- [GASPS]
- [SANTA TOY] Ho ho ho!
- Oh, this is not a real gun.
No, it's not. You think I shot
Charles because I love Christmas?
Yeah.
I hate Christmas! [GASPS]
- [CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [CONFUSED HUM]
But, um
Okay. [SIGHS]
I'm a fitness influencer.
I made one Christmas-themed
workout video, and it went viral.
Now, I'm stuck being
"Santa's Sexy Little Helper."
I can't crack 100 likes unless
it's Christmas-themed content!
My success is my prison
and these [PANTING]
ornaments, the reindeer, that
gun from A Christmas Story,
these are my jailers!
Every five seconds, people are asking me
if they're still on the naughty list!
- That's a lot of names.
- Hello.
- And abs.
- [RUDY] Thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to
write on yourself backwards?
All my time is spent trying to
come up with Christmas workout puns.
"Yule be surprised at
what your body can do!"
"No time like the presents
to believe in your elf!"
My parents are so disappointed in me!
[SIGHS] It felt good to get that out.
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES]
Um, hey, could you guys not tell people
about the whole
"I hate Christmas" thing?
[MABEL] Yeah, sure. No problem.
Um, I just have one more
question. Can you explain this?
We saw tinsel where the shot was fired,
and kinda led us to you.
Yeah, this is not tinsel.
Tinsel is highly flammable.
- Christmas's silent killer.
- [MABEL] Huh.
- Okay, thank you.
- [RUDY] Mm.
I'm sorry Eva Longoria
shot what she thought was a
real gun in your apartment.
My bad. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, but if it's any consolation,
Michelle Obama will
watch your TikTok tonight.
Wait, what do you mean
Michelle Obama will see my
Is that a euphemism for something?
- [EVA] Merry Christmas!
- [DOOR SLAMS, BELLS JINGLE]
[RADIO STATIC]
[ZACH AND OLIVER] The
Ollies are back! [LAUGHS]
That was a long day alone
with a pig and a radio.
How was yours?
Well, that depends. What do you
call taking too many Quaaludes
with Ving Rhames and getting
kicked outta the Playboy Club?
- [LAUGHTER]
- [TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Oh, hold on.
- Oh, that's my agent. One second.
- Oh my
Seems like it went well.
Huge success. Enormous success.
The success has elephantitis.
Meanwhile, I kept a very
detailed ham radio journal.
[PIG GRUNTING]
A few call signs, the theme song
from Perfect Strangers,
a lot of weather chatter. A lot!
Feels like most of these kooks are
just waiting for the apocalypse.
Including Kristen Piig,
who is one open window away
from turning herself
into Canadian bacon.
[ZACH] I'm really glad you
pushed me to do this today.
- Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Ooh.
It was a lot of fun. We
did a lot of frolicking,
and we got to know each other
and, you know, the whole works.
Of course, I'm being sarcastic!
What part of "career pivot"
was so confusing to you?
I told you I wanted big, meaty,
psychosexual leading man dramatic parts,
and you give me pocket-sized,
flop-sweat Willy Wonka.
This man is a
one-dimensional narcissist.
Under those scarves deep, deep down,
it's just more fucking
scarves. I gotta go.
Thanks, guys.
I'm gonna take off.
That was a lot of fun.
Lot of fun.
Yo, Galifianakis!
How could you spend an entire day
with this man and still not get it?
Let me tell you a little
something about Mr. Oliver Putnam.
This man?
He's my hero.
Oliver doesn't know
the definition of quit.
There is no obstacle nor tragedy
that Oliver Putnam
can't bounce back from.
Think about what he's been through.
Flop after flop after flop.
- Onstage. Off.
- Right.
Any other man with even a
shred, a speck of dignity,
would be destroyed,
- but not this man! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!
- Okay, Howard
Every time he falls,
he gets right back up,
and he meets the day
with a song, don't you?
Yeah, I Yes.
Even when he knows he's
just gonna fall again.
Alright, Howard, please.
I think I can handle
Okay, take his current
long-distance romance, for example.
I give it six months,
most would say three.
Yet, here he remains,
helping your little career,
instead of enjoying
his final precious hours
upon that Hindenburg of a relationship.
Th-That is not true. Loretta and
I have never been this strong.
- I rest my case.
- [SIGHS]
Now, that's psychosexual.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- That's meaty!
You're not the court jester.
You're King Lear!
- Yes, I think what Howard meant was
- [ZACH] No, no, no, no, no.
You're this
elegant worm.
This dressed-up doormat.
This Technicolored
cockroach who refuses to die!
I hate you!
But I love you.
People might finally take
me seriously after this.
Uh-huh
I will immortalize you, Oliver,
The real
tragic
heartbreaking
lonely
pathetic you.
That's very kind. Thank you.
Okay, let's get crackin'!
[CLAPS]
Hey, bud! Look who's got a bloody nose?
I used to get those all
the time from anxiety.
Yeah. Well, mine's from
being punched in the face.
- Sorry about the haymaker.
- [EUGENE] Oh, that's all right, Vince.
Apology accepted. [WEAK LAUGH]
You know, I just realized
something, Charles.
You're not that complex.
You're just as chicken shit
as I am, which makes you funny.
- I think I can play you.
- Well, uh, that's something.
I can't believe that you
thought I killed your friend.
I can't even kill this
moderate to severe case
of bacterial conjunctivitis.
Well, whoever shot my friend,
I think probably had
something wrong with their eyes
because I think they were aiming for me.
And, honestly, I always
thought you hated me.
What? I hated you?
I always thought that you hated me!
Whenever I see you through the
window, you always look away.
No, I'm just awkward!
[LAUGHS] I-I'm awkward, too!
You're awkward?
I'm very awkward! Yes!
- Oh, Vince. Aw
- Ah, Charles! Aw!
- Yeah, Eugene!
- [EUGENE SIGHS]
Yeah, okay, yeah. See, you're too tight.
- You're hugging just way too tight.
- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
This is enough.
No, this is hugging for
three people. This is enough.
Okay, let's go. Done.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Lovely apartment.
Here you go.
[EVA] Think I'm gonna skip the
part where I was wildly wrong
when I tell this story tonight.
Um, you know what? For what it's worth,
you were actually kind of helpful.
I probably would've wasted weeks
thinking that guy had a motive.
Maybe, you know, your Mabel's
approach isn't that bad.
- Or Mabél.
- Mm, Mabél is bold.
- She pops. She sells T-shirts.
- Um
I think I'm gonna
hang back for a second.
Taking a page out of your playbook.
- [SOFT TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [EVA LAUGHS SOFTLY]
[KEYPAD BUTTONS BEEP]
I see you, Mabél.
[CLANGING]
[PHONE CLICKS]
[KEYPAD CLACKING]
[PHONE CLICKS]
[BLINDS RATTLE]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
[PHONE CLICKS]
♪
[MOUTHING]
- [CHARLES] It's us!
- [OLIVER] Hi!
- [LAUGHTER]
- Housekeeping!
[PIG GRUNTING]
So, you don't believe
Dudenoff's in Portugal?
I'm not convinced.
Well, he's not gonna
be happy you're here.
I'm counting on it. If he
finds out I'm squatting here,
he'll have to show his
face to kick me out.
[CHARLES] He could be our killer
Personally, I love
that you're squatting.
In the summer of '77, I spent
an incredible three months
squatting in Sonny Bono's
Palm Springs pool house.
Look, it'll be good for the case,
and I needed a place to stay.
Well, I just
I worry about you here.
I worry about you all the time.
At least we can watch
over each other now.
[PIG GRUNTING]
How come the actors couldn't
come for one of our finales?
Like when we figure
everything out all at once?
[OLIVER] Mm-hmm.
[PIG SNORTING]
[SINGING] No matter
the odds are this time ♪
Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
- This flame in my heart ♪
- [MUMBLING ALONG]
Long lost friend ♪
Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
What is happening right now?
[MABEL AND OLIVER] Standing tall ♪
What is that bizarrely catchy song?
Oh, I heard it on Rudy's ham radio.
You don't know the theme
to Perfect Strangers?
- You do?
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
The theme to Perfect Strangers.
Howard was clocking the
same song on the radio.
Gimme his book.
Yes! A person came on the line and said,
"Meet me at 445."
What is the deal with these ham radios?
I mean, are we in some
sort of doomsday cult?
You know, Vince had this photo
of everyone on this floor,
and someone was holding
Rudy's hand with the pig,
and their face was crossed out.
Maybe that's who was on the radio.
Okay, but what is 445? Is
that an address? A time?
It's a frequency!
Oh, my gosh!
[OLIVER AND CHARLES GRUNTING]
[SCRUBBING, STATIC]
- [BITS OF MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER] Ah! Could you help me?
[CHARLES] Yeah, I gotcha.
[STATIC STOPS]
Hello? Hello?
"OMIT-B" paging "Perfect
Strangers," do you copy?
- [RADIO BEEPS]
- [STATIC]
[SPEAKER] [ON RADIO, DISTORTED] Hello?
You shouldn't be on this frequency.
- Who is Dudenoff?
- And what's with all the ham?
Do you know who's out to get me?
[SPEAKER] [ON RADIO, DISTORTED]
The last person
who came around asking
these questions got killed.
- [PIG SQUEALS]
- I love you, Hammy Faye Bakker!
- [SNORTING]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, that solves that mystery.
[SPEAKER] [ON RADIO,
DISTORTED] I tell you.
Drop this, or you'll be next!
- [DISTORTED STATIC]
- [HAMMY FAYE BAKKER SQUEALING]
[GRUNTS]
[SOFT JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[MABEL MORA] They wanna
make a movie of our podcast?
Paramount?
[CHARLES-HADEN SAVAGE] They
wanna fly us all out to LA
for some meeting next week.
- [MABEL] I'm Eva Longoria.
- [CHARLES] I'm Eugene Levy?
- [OLIVER PUTNAM] I'm
- [BEV MELON] Oliver, this is Zach Galifi
Oh, yes! Zach Galifragilistic.
I'm out. I'm done.
Are we sure that the killer was
after Ben, and not you, Charles?
[CHUCKLES] What?
I've been gettin' some vibes.
I also have my ham radio,
and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.
[CHARLES] It's been a week, and
Sazz's Bulgarian left shoulder
and knee are still in that incinerator.
- [CLOTHES RUSTLE]
- Hello, Charles.
[WHEEZING SCREAMS]
I broke out because
I'm worried about Sazz.
She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.
[CHARLES] She was looking
into someone who lives here?
[JAN BELLOWS] She said
she thought there might be
another murderer in the building.
[CHARLES] The Westies.
[MABEL] We've met everybody
except for Christmas Guy
and whoever's in that place
with the lockbox on it?
- Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
- [KICKS LEG]
- Dudenoff?
- [BEEPING, CLICKS]
Oh, goody. It works.
♪
This must be the sniper's nest.
- A ham radio.
- Is this tinsel?
Oliver! He's so cute.
- Oh! The pig's loose!
- [SQUEALING]
We worked together almost 40 years.
We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene.
Did she write a message with her blood?
And then Sazz would say
- Tap in.
- "Tap in."
[MABEL] Charles, do you
know what that means?
Yes. I do.
[JAUNTY STRING MUSIC PLAYING]
[ZACH GALIFIANAKIS] I once had
an acting teacher who said,
"Finding your character is a lot
like a detective finding a killer."
His thinking went you build
this character piece by piece.
What are their physical qualities?
Their skills or special talents?
Their motivations?
♪
You keep doing that, asking and
answering a million questions,
until there's only one person
in the whole world who
fits that description.
[SLOW DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Your character.
Anyway, that's obviously bullshit.
As a proud Greek man, presumably
descended from Thespis himself,
trust me when I say
acting is easy.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
Close the door.
Alright, so I'm gonna
say this really quick
'cause I'm not supposed to be
here. It's not even public yet.
And I really need you guys to
know that at the end of the day
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Detective,
are you helping us right now?
Come on, cut that shit out!
Just stay focused. I'm
trying to talk to you.
Do you like us? She totally likes us.
If she ever did, she doesn't now.
Thank you, Mora. The
feds are now on the case.
They don't want me involved,
that's fine. But the least I can do
is feed you idiots some
useful information. So
- She likes us.
- She totally likes us.
Can I just talk, please?
I wanna do a little cop
monologue right now, okay?
Let's all just pretend
we're on Law & Order,
and I'm Olivia Benson.
Can I have my moment?
- Yes, absolutely.
- Of course. Or Aristotle Brazzos.
I I don't I
don't know what that is.
- [OLIVER SNICKERS]
- So,
the feds think that Jan has
something to do with this.
Now, of course, she hadn't escaped yet,
but they're thinking she hired someone,
and they're suspecting
that she's gone to Florida
because there's a shit ton of
orchestras and sex toy shops.
The shooter, very good.
A single .300 Win Mag casing was found
in the West Tower in apartment 14F,
belonging to a tenant by
the name of M. Dudenoff,
retired professor,
who the neighbors are
conveniently saying
he's not in town. He's in Portugal.
Well, that's suspicious.
Exactly. That's what I said, Mora.
That's really fucking suspicious
'cause who in the absolute
fuck would wanna go to Portugal
when you got Spain? Right?
I digress.
Neighbors are busy playing card
games when they hear the gunshot,
except for one tenant.
Rudy Thurber.
He's like some Christmas
freak or something.
You know the types who
are like, "Oh, my God,
it's 364 sleeps until
Christmas." That kinda guy.
What is key to note,
Sazz's phone has been turned off,
but we are reviewing
the CCTV in that area.
Alright, that's my whole thing. So now,
please feel free to ask what
other questions you have.
You really don't know Aristotle Brazzos?
I just did all of that,
and that's all you got?
Well, i-it doesn't matter.
The feds feds have it wrong.
Jan didn't kill Sazz. You
have to trust me on that.
I do. I just
I don't know if Sazz was the target.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
W-Well, be honest. Do you
think someone over there
could hate me enough to try and kill me?
Don't make her answer that.
Look, if this is the part where
you tell us not to investigate,
you're wasting your time.
Yeah, I know. After
three seasons, I got that.
Well, even if I was the target,
I still have to solve this for Sazz.
I'm tapping in.
[DETECTIVE DONNA WILLIAMS]
What are you even talking about?
This is serious shit here now! Focus
Oh, my God!
[EUGENE LEVY] Well
I guess this sends the
investigation into a
whole new direction.
That's Aristotle Brazzos. From
Brazzos. The show I was on.
[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]
[VOCALIZING]
[THEME SONG FADES OUT]
[CURIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, hello, Hollywood A-listers!
What are you doing here? I promise
I won't leak it to the trades.
We celebrities value our privacy.
The Brothers Sisters
thought it'd be a good idea
if we followed you for a day.
You know, do a character study.
I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2.
I shadowed a baby. Yeah.
And we still text every day.
Oh, I love it.
Zach! You want to come learn
more about Oliver Putnam?
Study at the foot of the master?
That's right. So much to learn.
Definitely didn't take this job
just thinking it would be easy money.
Now, personally, I was
pushing for one more day,
just a little more
time to take a deep dive
into this complex man.
Eugene, you realize you're
playing Charles, right?
[EVA LONGORIA] Hey, twin.
[LAUGHS] I've been practicing my Mabel.
Uh, look, n-now's not a good time.
There's been another murder.
[GASPS] Yay! Oh!
Forget the character study.
We're gonna solve a murder today?
- Oh, I'm gonna get us some snacks.
- [MABEL] Not you.
[SIGHS]
Galifianakis?
That scrumptious fuckable baklava
is portraying you in a movie?
Oh no, that is all wrong.
That's so messed up!
I didn't realize you were on a
Mediterranean diet, Detective.
- Would you like me to make an intro?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not ready, I'm not ready. But,
if anything happens to
that delicious little man,
I'll kill you myself.
- [OLIVER WHIMPERS]
- Don't fuck with my Zach pass.
Obviously, the actors can't stay.
No! This is a murder investigation,
not some acting exercise
for Eva Longoria.
- Charles is still in danger.
- Yeah, bu just hear me out.
You get one shot at a biopic.
Maybe two if you're someone
special like Marilyn Monroe
or Jeffrey Dahmer,
and the first 24 hours of character
study are the most crucial.
I need Zach Galifianakis to fall
in love with his character today.
- [COUGHS]
- [NUTS CLATTER]
Okay, well you've been outvoted.
Charles, you get it.
You were an actor once.
Don't you want Eugene
Levy to learn the real you?
Me? The unlikeable guy
that everyone wants to kill?
No, thanks. And my ego isn't so delicate
that I need random validation
from a Emmy award-winning actor.
[EUGENE] Charles?
The History of Wood?
Looks and brains?
Eugene, you have big shoes to fill.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- You know,
- maybe the actors could be helpful.
- [LAUGHS] Yes!
What?
♪
- [BLINDS RATTLE]
- [PEOPLE CHATTERING DOWN BELOW]
[EVA] We stare at boxes,
wondering what it must feel like
to have an apartment of our own.
A feeling of permanence
for once in our life.
What? No.
- And stop saying "we."
- [EVA] Hmm.
That's where the shot was fired,
and anyone on that floor
could've used the code to get in.
[SLURPING] Mm
I'm sorry, are you drinking
at 10 in the morning?
Yeah, I'm getting into character.
I don't drink at 10 in the morning.
No, my Mabel does.
- She's a tableau of vices.
- [CHARLES] Alright.
Williams said the bullet
was a Winchester .300 Magnum.
Developed in the '60s,
it remains the most popular
cartridge among hunters.
I learned that on Brazzos.
I know, I know. Episode 403,
A Lady and Her Luger.
So, our killer is a hunter.
[RECORD BUTTON BEEPS]
Little did they know that the hunter
was about to become the hunted.
- Zach, are you getting this?
- [ZACH] Oh yeah.
Say a hacky joke every
couple of minutes,
- something, something, Zsa Zsa Gabor.
- [AWKWARD LAUGH]
- Lotta nuance.
- Y you certainly have my wit.
How could anyone hate this American icon
enough to wanna try and kill him?
It boggles the mind.
Oh, it's really quite simple.
If you ever saw him consume
a plate of peel-and-eat
shrimp, you'd get it.
[CHARLES] A bullet that size
would have a bit of kick.
So, is that eye patch covering
antibiotic-resistant pink eye
- or a bruise from the recoil of a gun?
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, well, I've heard enough. [LAUGHS]
We have our killer!
My Mabel's confident.
Okay, uh, please don't
ever touch my murder board.
We met Vince. There's no way he's
strong enough to carry Sazz's body.
Rudy Thurber, on the other hand,
"Christmas All the Time
Guy," he's pretty jacked.
- Mm-hmm, I've heard enough.
- [PUTS GLASS DOWN]
We have our killer.
My Mabel can admit when she's wrong.
Charles, does this man
have any reason to hate you?
No!
Well, maybe the Christmas tree thing.
I got everyone to sign a petition
banning real Christmas trees.
- [OLIVER SIGHS]
- They're a fire hazard.
They are that.
But who would kill someone
over something like that?
Someone whose whole
identity is loving Christmas.
Okay, but he was out of town
the night Sazz was killed.
Or was he? We found this
by the window at Dudenoff's.
It kind of looks like Christmas tinsel.
That could place Rudy
here that night after all.
Yes! Yes.
- Killer!
- Again with the touching.
"Ooh! Looks like Rudy the Red Hot
Reindeer has been caught red-handed!"
Something, something, Bea Arthur.
[WEAK LAUGH]
I still vote Vince Fish.
[TEXTING]
Why choose? We can divide and conquer.
Uh, you and Eugene go and see Vince,
and Mabel and Eva visit Rudy.
Alright! I'm gonna go fire
my agent and visit my kids.
- Thanks, everybody!
- [OLIVER] No! I mean
No. Y-You and I have
something very important to do
back at my apartment. Um
Uh, monitor this ham radio
that we got from Dudenoff's.
And
should you fall in love with me
because of my relentless charm assault,
then that's okay, too. Let's
["BOTANY BAY" ON CONCERTINA PLAYING]
[DISSONANT CONCERTINA PLAYING ALONG]
[CHARLES] Pink eye? Or the
bruise from the recoil of a gun?
How to get an eye patch off?
How to get an eye patch off?
I got it.
- [CONCERTINA BLARES, STOPS]
- I got it.
You ask for a glass of
water. I tell a great joke.
You do a spit take. You
spray water all over his face.
And then, when he's
when he's drying his face,
he's forced to remove the eye patch.
That's one of the stupidest
things I've ever come out with.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Charles. I'm
still a little nervous.
I'm nervous playing you.
- I get it. It's a challenge.
- [EUGENE] 'Cause, you know,
I've only played the
dullest pencils in the drawer
'cause I thought they were the
funniest, but you're not funny.
I mean, yeah, you do have a
dull pencil quality about you,
but what you did with Brazzos
I mean, you know, th-th-the
fearlessness, the complexity.
I used to say to myself,
"Am I watching a TV show,
or am I watching a doctorate-level
physics class?" [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHING] Oh, stop!
Unless you had more to say.
No, I think that was it.
I'm nervous, you're fearless
No, that was it.
- [CONCERTINA SQUEAKS]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
I got it.
I know how to get that eye patch off.
[EVA] Hey, slow down,
slow down! What's the plan?
How do we approach Rudy?
What do we do, tackle him?
Accuse him? Watch him squirm?
I'd like to stay away
from sexual manipulation.
I mean, I'm not closed off to
it because I'm good at it. But
Okay, "Mabel." I think there's
been a misunderstanding here.
Oh, hey, are we attached to "Mabel"?
- I'd say so.
- [EVA SIGHS]
It's just such an old person
name, [SCOFFS] which we are not.
So, I think we can do
better. What about, um
[GASPS] Mabél?
[LAUGHING] Yes. Yes!
It's giving elusive.
It's giving mysterious. It's giving,
"Where are you from,
and can I go there?"
Bayport, Long Island, and no.
Oliver and I found this
tinsel in the sniper's nest.
So I need to go to Rudy's
and see if it matches
any of the tinsel there
without tipping him off.
What? We're just gonna go snoop
on the Christmas freak? Ugh!
God, we are young women of action.
I say we go there and
press his Christmas buttons
and provoke him until he confesses.
Or he could kill us because,
I don't know, he might be a killer.
Do you wanna know about Mabel?
[EVA] Mm.
Mabel works alone.
Fine.
Mabél doesn't stay
where she's not wanted.
- It's Mabel!
- [SOFT JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
[MOUTHING] What?
[RUMBLING]
Zach?
Um, I feel we got off on the wrong foot.
- Can we start over?
- Yeah.
[SIGHS] My ass is looking
good Look at that.
I see you've mastered my morning mantra.
We Putnams are known
for our dump trucks.
No wonder they cast you. [LAUGHS]
So, what I like to do is
work from the outside in.
What would the character wear?
How do their clothes make you feel?
I'm more of an inside-out guy.
I read the inside of the script,
and then I say the words
outside of my mouth.
Ah.
- I see. Yeah.
- Pretty easy.
Weren't we supposed to be doing
something with a ham radio?
- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, no, any idiot can do that.
[HOWARD MORRIS] Hello?
[PIG GRUNTING]
My ears are burning.
Huh.
So you're who they cast.
Well, I can see why. I mean,
where else would they have
found bearded comic relief?
[NERVOUS LAUGH] Jealousy and
yellow are not good colors on you.
Also, the pig?
Was found wandering the
halls, very depressed.
But, we're gonna cheer you
up and have a great day.
Isn't that right, Natalie Porkman?
I'm guessing names and
waiting for a reaction.
George Swinebrenner.
She's obviously a she, funny man.
Gloria Swineham then.
[MUTED SARCASTIC LAUGH]
Howard, uh, monitor this ham radio.
I-I need to get Zach into character.
Seriously, Oliver, I
think w-we're done here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop quiz, hotshot.
Uh, you're Oliver Putnam.
You're six Cosmos deep at Joe Allen
when Frank Rich picks a fight.
Who is the definitive Mrs. Lovett,
Lansbury or LuPone?
- LuPone?
- [OVERLAPPING AGHAST CHATTER]
[HOWARD] Go. Just go. This
guy needs a lot of work.
[SOFT WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
[SIGHS]
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING INSIDE APARTMENT]
Ugh. What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Solving a murder.
Mabél works alone, remember?
Who's there? Ooh! Do
we have company, Eva?
[EVA] I guess.
Oh, hello.
What's this?
Well, I was just bringing around
comedy legend, uh, Eugene Levy,
to help everyone cope with the
recent murders in the building.
You know, maybe bring a few smiles.
- And what's with the eye patches?
- Thanks for asking.
It just, uh, it turns
out that Eugene and I
both simultaneously,
uh, developed this, uh,
pesky, uh, conjunctivitis, and, uh
But thankfully, uh, we have
this these new amazing drops.
And we were thinking that if your patch
is covering the same thing,
you know, pesky conjunctivitis,
y-you may wanna remove
it, uh, right here, and
That's right, and I would
be happy to share my drops.
Y-You know what? I'll pass, okay?
I-I-I tried every drop
on the market. Here
W-Wait! Wait! Uh, wait, I get
it. I get it. You've tried
everything [LAUGHS] on the market,
but you will change your tune
when you when you
hear my friend's tale.
My tale?
Mm-hmm. The tale you told me last week
- at, uh, at the Improv.
- Oh.
Oh, y-yes, and Uh,
well, my tale is simple.
Uh, my, my cousin is an ophthalmologist.
Dr. Savage. Salazar Savage.
Yes, and,
uh, his, u-uh, father, m-my uncle,
uh, he went to Paraguay
as a missionary in the '40s
to help convert
the indigenous
Montaguayo people
- and raise his only son.
- Again, th-the genius,
but criminally obscure
Dr. Salazar Savage.
Yes, and
- I-I'm sorry. Where is this going?
- I'll tell you where this is going!
My cousin developed a
cutting-edge pink eye treatment
from the native, uh, lava cactus
Which is not available here
due to some trivial FDA regulations,
and I will not go
into detail about that.
Yeah, anyway, the point is
Oh, thank God, yes! The point being
The point is I was
recently sent a bottle
of this amazing stuff,
uh, from Asunción.
Which is the actual capital of Paraguay.
Alright, fine, fine, fine. I'll
Yeah, I-I-I'll try it. Uh
S-So what you do is [STAMMERING]
Is you just, uh, pull
down your eye patch,
and you put in, uh, 16 drops.
I think I know how
to use an eye dropper.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
No, no, you really wanna
do it here because
we want to video it,
so we can send the tape to Dr. Salavar?
- Dr. Savage.
- Savage.
I'll be right back.
- [TRAIN WHISTLING]
- ["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYING]
Ho ho ho! Here we go!
Two protein eggnogs! Yummy!
It's my personal recipe, patent pending.
Actually, Eva, I'm
something of a mogul myself.
- Mm.
- [MABEL] Mm.
- That's thick.
- Oh, thank you!
The secret: more egg than nog.
And ground deer hoof.
So, I-I'm sorry to barge
in on you like this.
I'm not sure what Eva
Longoria has told you, but
Oh, I told him we're
investigating the murder.
- Of course you did.
- And that we're looking for clues.
We're gonna have answers by
the end of day. [CRUNCHES]
Unrelated. Rudy, uh,
your home is so cozy.
I love Christmas decorations.
But I-I have to say, you, uh,
you're missing my favorite.
What's that? Advent calendar?
I have five. Nutcrackers?
I got a whole family.
12-foot-tall snowman? I
had to put him in my room.
People were put off by the scale
and anatomical correctness.
Oh, that makes sense.
No, I meant tinsel. Do
you have any of that?
- [RADIO STARTS PLAYING]
- Standing tall ♪
[MABEL] Is that the
Perfect Strangers theme?
Is that a ham radio?
Yeah, it's a gift from a friend.
Here, lemme just get rid of that.
[STATIC, RADIO STOPS]
- [JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hey, Mabél, look around.
There's no tinsel.
Uh, look around.
There's a gun on the wall
and another ham radio.
There has to be tinsel.
He probably just hid it
because you were telling
him we're looking for clues.
Okay, stop saying tinsel!
Let's just provoke a
reaction outta the guy,
so he can confess by my 7:30 dinner.
By the way, I have a 7:30 dinner,
and I'd love to tell everybody
I solved a murder today.
Eva, m-my friend is in very real
danger. We're not provoking a killer
so that you can share some
charming anecdote with
Roger Federer, Anderson
Cooper, Michelle Obama,
and the lady from Shark
Tank. Barb something.
[SIGHS] Okay, well, we'll
try to get you out by 6:00.
- Great.
- [GRABS PHONE]
[SIGHS]
[OLIVER] You may think
it's silly, but
when I was a kid, I had a dream
that I would live a life that, someday,
someone would wanna turn into a film.
And now, all I want is it
to be the best film ever made.
Wow, that's really brave
for you to admit that,
but probably not for
the reasons you think.
Okay. I-I'm sorry.
I get it. You don't wanna be forgotten.
Oh. Who could ever forget Oliver Putnam?
Right. Right.
So, let's give a lift
to that hair Oh, boy.
[SPUTTERS]
It's gonna be a little journey here.
- [SIGHS]
- I do have one question though.
I just need a second here.
All those stories that you tell.
[OLIVER SIGHS]
There's no way they're true, right?
Well, the key to an Oliver Putnam story
- is that you want it to be true.
- Yeah.
It should take place
between 1960 and 1980,
it should involve a celebrity
who you're shocked to
discover is still alive
Hmm.
and the best ones
take place in a nightclub
that's now an Applebee's.
Or involve a drug that no longer exists.
Okay, now
close your eyes.
Ooh! Someone just got back from Ibiza.
Where I did opium with Barbara
Eden at a Souplantation?
[GROANS]
No one gets it the first time.
- Okay.
- Come on! Come here.
- [LOUD SNORT]
- [IMITATES SNORT]
- [GROANS]
- [IMITATES GROAN]
["PERFECT STRANGERS THEME" PLAYING]
Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
Nothing to rearrange ♪
Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
Like you need some kind of change ♪
♪
No matter what the
odds are this time ♪
Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
Whatever this is
This flame in my heart ♪
I hate it.
Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
Standing tall ♪
On the wings of my dream ♪
Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
♪
[SONG ENDS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Okay, he's gonna be out any second.
Any second, Charles. Do
you have another plan?
- I have a plan. I have a plan.
- Good. Good.
And it is
Oh, my God, I'm in a
murderer's apartment,
- and you don't have a plan!
- [VINCE FISH] Okay, thanks.
Here you go. Let's hope that they work.
Um, um, listen, before
we go, um, I'm wondering
i-i-if you can, uh,
bring my friend Charles
a glass of, uh, water.
Sure. I'm a restaurant now.
We're not doing your spit take plan!
I don't think we have
a choice. I tell a joke,
you spit in his face, we get
to see under his eye patch!
If he hates me, and he's a murderer,
and he can shoot directly
into my apartment,
maybe I shouldn't spit in his face?
Good point. That's a good point.
But he can still murder me.
- [VINCE] Here you go.
- Yeah.
Oh, here's the water
you wanted. Anyway, uh,
so these two snails are
vacationing in Beverly Hills
[STAMMERING] Here.
Try it, try it, try it.
A-A priest and a and a
duck walk into a synagogue
No, that's not funny. You take
it. You drink You drink it.
You drink it. You
drink it. You drink it.
Anyway, these two cannibals
are sitting down to a nice
meal of baked asshole of clown.
- [SPITS]
- What the?
- [GRUNTS]
- [GLASS FALLS]
And one cannibal says to the
other, "This taste funny to you?"
[EUGENE GROANS]
That's That's not a bruise.
That is a pink pink eye.
Yeah!
Antibiotic-resistant pink eye!
[EUGENE GROANS]
- Nothing, nothing
- [CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]
- You wanna help out here?
- No, I'm kinda busy.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh! Uh, nothing. I was, uh,
just admiring this so sweet and
- [SANTA TOY] Ho ho ho.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, no, please.
- [SANTA TOY] Ho ho ho.
- Don't touch him.
- Uh, yeah.
- [TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
- Mrs. Claus is a lucky lady. [LAUGHS]
Oh, great.
Dinner got moved up to 6:30.
Time to land this plane.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, Rudy.
[MABEL] No, no, no, no, no!
- Does this piss you off?
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [GASPS]
- What
- Or
- [RUDY THURBER] Hey! No, no, no!
- What about this?
- [RUDY] Don't
- [SHATTERING]
- Why?
Oh, and by the way, your eggnog sucks.
- Aw!
- [EVA] What you gonna do about it?
[MOCKING] You gonna cry?
Are you gonna cry about it?
[NORMAL] 'Cause word on the street
is you get a little murderous
when somebody tries to
ruin Christmas! [GASPS]
- Ooh! [LAUGHS]
- [RUDY] Hey, don't touch that!
I bet you that's very triggering!
- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?!
I'm solving the murder. Admit
it! Christmas is all you have.
Yeah, Christmas and fitness.
Fitness is clearly important
to you. That is not lost on me,
but, mostly, you love Christmas.
So, when your scrooge of a neighbor
tries to take away your real
Christmas trees, you snapped.
Eva, put the gun down.
And once you had
Charles in your sights
- Eva Longoria's unhinged.
- That is correct.
- you shot him!
- [GASPS]
- [SANTA TOY] Ho ho ho!
- Oh, this is not a real gun.
No, it's not. You think I shot
Charles because I love Christmas?
Yeah.
I hate Christmas! [GASPS]
- [CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES]
- [CONFUSED HUM]
But, um
Okay. [SIGHS]
I'm a fitness influencer.
I made one Christmas-themed
workout video, and it went viral.
Now, I'm stuck being
"Santa's Sexy Little Helper."
I can't crack 100 likes unless
it's Christmas-themed content!
My success is my prison
and these [PANTING]
ornaments, the reindeer, that
gun from A Christmas Story,
these are my jailers!
Every five seconds, people are asking me
if they're still on the naughty list!
- That's a lot of names.
- Hello.
- And abs.
- [RUDY] Thank you.
Do you know how hard it is to
write on yourself backwards?
All my time is spent trying to
come up with Christmas workout puns.
"Yule be surprised at
what your body can do!"
"No time like the presents
to believe in your elf!"
My parents are so disappointed in me!
[SIGHS] It felt good to get that out.
[CHRISTMAS MUSIC CONTINUES]
Um, hey, could you guys not tell people
about the whole
"I hate Christmas" thing?
[MABEL] Yeah, sure. No problem.
Um, I just have one more
question. Can you explain this?
We saw tinsel where the shot was fired,
and kinda led us to you.
Yeah, this is not tinsel.
Tinsel is highly flammable.
- Christmas's silent killer.
- [MABEL] Huh.
- Okay, thank you.
- [RUDY] Mm.
I'm sorry Eva Longoria
shot what she thought was a
real gun in your apartment.
My bad. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, but if it's any consolation,
Michelle Obama will
watch your TikTok tonight.
Wait, what do you mean
Michelle Obama will see my
Is that a euphemism for something?
- [EVA] Merry Christmas!
- [DOOR SLAMS, BELLS JINGLE]
[RADIO STATIC]
[ZACH AND OLIVER] The
Ollies are back! [LAUGHS]
That was a long day alone
with a pig and a radio.
How was yours?
Well, that depends. What do you
call taking too many Quaaludes
with Ving Rhames and getting
kicked outta the Playboy Club?
- [LAUGHTER]
- [TEXT NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Oh, hold on.
- Oh, that's my agent. One second.
- Oh my
Seems like it went well.
Huge success. Enormous success.
The success has elephantitis.
Meanwhile, I kept a very
detailed ham radio journal.
[PIG GRUNTING]
A few call signs, the theme song
from Perfect Strangers,
a lot of weather chatter. A lot!
Feels like most of these kooks are
just waiting for the apocalypse.
Including Kristen Piig,
who is one open window away
from turning herself
into Canadian bacon.
[ZACH] I'm really glad you
pushed me to do this today.
- Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Ooh.
It was a lot of fun. We
did a lot of frolicking,
and we got to know each other
and, you know, the whole works.
Of course, I'm being sarcastic!
What part of "career pivot"
was so confusing to you?
I told you I wanted big, meaty,
psychosexual leading man dramatic parts,
and you give me pocket-sized,
flop-sweat Willy Wonka.
This man is a
one-dimensional narcissist.
Under those scarves deep, deep down,
it's just more fucking
scarves. I gotta go.
Thanks, guys.
I'm gonna take off.
That was a lot of fun.
Lot of fun.
Yo, Galifianakis!
How could you spend an entire day
with this man and still not get it?
Let me tell you a little
something about Mr. Oliver Putnam.
This man?
He's my hero.
Oliver doesn't know
the definition of quit.
There is no obstacle nor tragedy
that Oliver Putnam
can't bounce back from.
Think about what he's been through.
Flop after flop after flop.
- Onstage. Off.
- Right.
Any other man with even a
shred, a speck of dignity,
would be destroyed,
- but not this man! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!
- Okay, Howard
Every time he falls,
he gets right back up,
and he meets the day
with a song, don't you?
Yeah, I Yes.
Even when he knows he's
just gonna fall again.
Alright, Howard, please.
I think I can handle
Okay, take his current
long-distance romance, for example.
I give it six months,
most would say three.
Yet, here he remains,
helping your little career,
instead of enjoying
his final precious hours
upon that Hindenburg of a relationship.
Th-That is not true. Loretta and
I have never been this strong.
- I rest my case.
- [SIGHS]
Now, that's psychosexual.
- [GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- That's meaty!
You're not the court jester.
You're King Lear!
- Yes, I think what Howard meant was
- [ZACH] No, no, no, no, no.
You're this
elegant worm.
This dressed-up doormat.
This Technicolored
cockroach who refuses to die!
I hate you!
But I love you.
People might finally take
me seriously after this.
Uh-huh
I will immortalize you, Oliver,
The real
tragic
heartbreaking
lonely
pathetic you.
That's very kind. Thank you.
Okay, let's get crackin'!
[CLAPS]
Hey, bud! Look who's got a bloody nose?
I used to get those all
the time from anxiety.
Yeah. Well, mine's from
being punched in the face.
- Sorry about the haymaker.
- [EUGENE] Oh, that's all right, Vince.
Apology accepted. [WEAK LAUGH]
You know, I just realized
something, Charles.
You're not that complex.
You're just as chicken shit
as I am, which makes you funny.
- I think I can play you.
- Well, uh, that's something.
I can't believe that you
thought I killed your friend.
I can't even kill this
moderate to severe case
of bacterial conjunctivitis.
Well, whoever shot my friend,
I think probably had
something wrong with their eyes
because I think they were aiming for me.
And, honestly, I always
thought you hated me.
What? I hated you?
I always thought that you hated me!
Whenever I see you through the
window, you always look away.
No, I'm just awkward!
[LAUGHS] I-I'm awkward, too!
You're awkward?
I'm very awkward! Yes!
- Oh, Vince. Aw
- Ah, Charles! Aw!
- Yeah, Eugene!
- [EUGENE SIGHS]
Yeah, okay, yeah. See, you're too tight.
- You're hugging just way too tight.
- [MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
This is enough.
No, this is hugging for
three people. This is enough.
Okay, let's go. Done.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Lovely apartment.
Here you go.
[EVA] Think I'm gonna skip the
part where I was wildly wrong
when I tell this story tonight.
Um, you know what? For what it's worth,
you were actually kind of helpful.
I probably would've wasted weeks
thinking that guy had a motive.
Maybe, you know, your Mabel's
approach isn't that bad.
- Or Mabél.
- Mm, Mabél is bold.
- She pops. She sells T-shirts.
- Um
I think I'm gonna
hang back for a second.
Taking a page out of your playbook.
- [SOFT TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [EVA LAUGHS SOFTLY]
[KEYPAD BUTTONS BEEP]
I see you, Mabél.
[CLANGING]
[PHONE CLICKS]
[KEYPAD CLACKING]
[PHONE CLICKS]
[BLINDS RATTLE]
[PHONE VIBRATES]
[PHONE CLICKS]
♪
[MOUTHING]
- [CHARLES] It's us!
- [OLIVER] Hi!
- [LAUGHTER]
- Housekeeping!
[PIG GRUNTING]
So, you don't believe
Dudenoff's in Portugal?
I'm not convinced.
Well, he's not gonna
be happy you're here.
I'm counting on it. If he
finds out I'm squatting here,
he'll have to show his
face to kick me out.
[CHARLES] He could be our killer
Personally, I love
that you're squatting.
In the summer of '77, I spent
an incredible three months
squatting in Sonny Bono's
Palm Springs pool house.
Look, it'll be good for the case,
and I needed a place to stay.
Well, I just
I worry about you here.
I worry about you all the time.
At least we can watch
over each other now.
[PIG GRUNTING]
How come the actors couldn't
come for one of our finales?
Like when we figure
everything out all at once?
[OLIVER] Mm-hmm.
[PIG SNORTING]
[SINGING] No matter
the odds are this time ♪
Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
- This flame in my heart ♪
- [MUMBLING ALONG]
Long lost friend ♪
Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
What is happening right now?
[MABEL AND OLIVER] Standing tall ♪
What is that bizarrely catchy song?
Oh, I heard it on Rudy's ham radio.
You don't know the theme
to Perfect Strangers?
- You do?
- [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
The theme to Perfect Strangers.
Howard was clocking the
same song on the radio.
Gimme his book.
Yes! A person came on the line and said,
"Meet me at 445."
What is the deal with these ham radios?
I mean, are we in some
sort of doomsday cult?
You know, Vince had this photo
of everyone on this floor,
and someone was holding
Rudy's hand with the pig,
and their face was crossed out.
Maybe that's who was on the radio.
Okay, but what is 445? Is
that an address? A time?
It's a frequency!
Oh, my gosh!
[OLIVER AND CHARLES GRUNTING]
[SCRUBBING, STATIC]
- [BITS OF MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OLIVER] Ah! Could you help me?
[CHARLES] Yeah, I gotcha.
[STATIC STOPS]
Hello? Hello?
"OMIT-B" paging "Perfect
Strangers," do you copy?
- [RADIO BEEPS]
- [STATIC]
[SPEAKER] [ON RADIO, DISTORTED] Hello?
You shouldn't be on this frequency.
- Who is Dudenoff?
- And what's with all the ham?
Do you know who's out to get me?
[SPEAKER] [ON RADIO, DISTORTED]
The last person
who came around asking
these questions got killed.
- [PIG SQUEALS]
- I love you, Hammy Faye Bakker!
- [SNORTING]
- [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, that solves that mystery.
[SPEAKER] [ON RADIO,
DISTORTED] I tell you.
Drop this, or you'll be next!
- [DISTORTED STATIC]
- [HAMMY FAYE BAKKER SQUEALING]
[GRUNTS]
[SOFT JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
[FANFARE PLAYING]