Paradise PD (2018) s04e03 Episode Script

1
[sad music playing]
[sobbing]
Son, it's bad enough
to have you living here at home again,
but are you gonna do anything
besides sit on the couch and cry?
I'm not just crying, Dad.
I'm also masturbating.
[sobbing]
Sorry, Dad. [sobs]
Since I lost Gina, crying and masturbating
to porn is all I wanna do.
Well, can you at least wait
until your grandma isn't visiting?
Anyways, don't worry about me, Dad.
I'll get through this.
Your grief, huh?
No. PornHub.
You watched every video on PornHub?
Almost.
I even watched
the animated stuff like Tugrats,
Powerbuff Girls, and Darkwing Cuck.
Those sound a little yucky, son.
You should check out
The Fairly OddParents:
Lust For Big Black Cock.
Here we go. The very last video.
[raunchy music playing]
Gina?
Dad! It's Gina!
Hey, there she is. Look at that.
I always knew
that girl would do big things.
Just didn't realize how big.
And how veiny.
Hey, Mom! Get a load of this hog! [laughs]
That's where she's been!
I'm going to the studio
where they shot this.
[groaning]
[theme music plays]
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
Baked potato, baked, baked potato
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
Fuck your baked potato!
What the hell?!
The Jiggles are Baby Kevin's favorite!
That music is horseshit!
You obviously know nothing about art.
They wrote the most
life-changing anthem of all time.
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus."
Oh, I know
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus."
I fucking lived
"Beep Beep Vroom Vroom Big Red Bus"!
What the fuck
are you talking about, Randall?
I never told you
about this dark time in my life, Karen,
but I was actually
a founding member of The Jiggles.
Those assholes kicked me out
before they hit it big,
'cause the songs
I wrote were too damn good.
Stop spewing bullshit, old man.
You weren't a Jiggle.
[disco music plays]
Well, fuck me in my baby ass.
Daddy, you'd be my hero
if you introduced me to 'em.
Yeah, I could,
but they're probably halfway around the
Actually, they're playing tonight
in Diamond City!
Well, isn't that
very convenient, story-wise.
Of course I could introduce you,
little buddy. Those guys love me!
Why'd they kick you out, then?
I told you. Creative differences.
[audience applauding, cheering]
Bless us with a great show,
Australian Jesus.
Nothing gets me pumped up
for a show like praying to Aussie Jesus.
Well, nothing besides injecting cocaine
right into my penis.
Steve the Squid?
Do the honors.
Whoo! Rock and roll!
Baked potato, baked, baked potato
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
[distorted] Baked potato
Baked, baked potato ♪
[distortion continues]
[screams]
[snarling]
[children scream]
Hail Satan!
- [yips]
- [bleats]
Dobby Dobby.
Okay, Junior. Time to go.
Now, you go and say goodbye to these,
uh, extras from Troma Entertainment
that I guess we're okay
with you hanging out with.
[hisses]
[sizzling]
What the hell?!
Dobby, we told you, don't be spraying
neurotoxin on your friends, now.
A neurotoxin?
Calm down. He'll be fine.
But if his back
starts bubbling like a wet mogwai,
you're gonna wanna burn his body
and bury him under a church.
- What?!
- Robby's just kidding.
You only have to bury him
next to a church.
That's it. Junior, I don't want you
playing with that Dobby freak anymore.
Or that bulimic freak.
Bullet! How dare you insult
my little angel, Jerry.
Your son's the freak,
because you had sex with a dolphin!
Bro, you had sex with the same dolphin!
That's different.
That dolphin's my mother.
Come on, Junior.
I don't wanna see you around these two
uh, future Gravitron operators ever again.
Yeah, I said it.
Fine. That goes double for Jerry.
And another math word for Dobby.
[sad music plays]
[in Dobbinese]
Oh my God! Did you see that subtitle?
Dobby just said the F-word!
He must have learned that fucking shit
from your little fucking fuckity
fucked-up fucker. Fuck you!
I have wunderbar news, Mayor.
I landed you meetings with several CEOs
about them moving
their headquarters to Paradise.
Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm just so thrilled
you agreed to come meet!
Uh, Paradise would be a great place
for Facebook headquarters and
Do you like my hair?
Um Sure?
Need higher hair.
You need
Higher hair, please.
Are you saying
you want me to cut your hair or
Need higher hair.
Hello. I need to speak
with to mayor at once.
Ah. I'm sorry.
The mayor is in a very important meeting.
How's that?
- Higher.
- Really?
Need higher hair.
I told you it's urgent!
Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were in the middle
of grooming a dead-eyed shark man.
I'll come back.
How did it go?
Well, he's not moving his company here,
but somehow I've agreed
to be his on-call barber.
[cell phone rings, beeps]
[Mark Zuckerberg on phone]
Need higher hair, please.
Okay. This is The Jiggles' hotel.
You wait here
while I go set everything up.
You sure they're even
gonna let you in to see 'em?
Don't worry. I got a plan.
This horny MILF gave me a BJ
so she can meet you guys.
[wolf-whistles] Man! She's fucking ugly.
Who are you?
Who am I? Duh!
I'm your best pal, Green Jiggle?
You mean the lowlife
we kicked out of the group
because he injected cocaine into his penis
and tried to eat the Purple Jiggle's face?
[shock sting]
Yeah, that's me. And I need a favor.
My kid would love to meet you guys.
Better yet, how about you let me
come onstage with you for one song?
Oh, then I'd really be his hero.
What do you think, gang?
Let's teach that koala fucker
a lesson, shall we?
[shock sting]
[menacing music playing]
[The Jiggles chanting]
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
Baked potato, baked, baked potato ♪
No! No! No, no, no! No!
[screaming]
[raunchy music plays]
There's Gina!
Cut!
You guys were awesome up there.
That was my girlfriend
you were fucking. High five!
Gina! I-It's me, Kevin!
You did so good up there.
I didn't know you could act.
Name's not Gina.
[sighs] I guess it was just movie magic.
[rats squeaking]
Wow. The makeup artist
on this film deserves an award.
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be on set.
Unwanted Redhead Stepchild
Bangs MILF Stepmom,
Hot Titties, Must Watch, take one.
[whispering] Hey. Just read the cue cards.
Oh no, Mom.
You're stuck in the dryer again.
Aw. It's these damn giant titties.
Your daddy says
he's gonna be coming home late.
Uh-oh. My pants are falling down.
[shock sting]
[gasps] Oh my God!
Why does it have a knuckle? Ew!
- [laughing]
- Silence!
Your penis,
it oozes shame from its gaping maw.
Thanks?
To look at it
is to stare into the void of madness.
It is truly the banality
of evil mite flesh.
So should I leave or
No. I am going to make
your hideously beautiful penis a star.
We have much work to do.
Take five, everyone.
[rats squeaking]
[sad music playing]
Dobby Dobby.
- [yips]
- [bleats]
Higher hair.
[screaming]
Bro-zaniacs,
I know we've got a lot of free time,
and I've got something to fill it.
You're gonna join my new children's band
and help me get revenge on The Jiggles
by becoming more popular than them.
Hold on. I gotta see
how this stepmom gets out of the dryer.
Goop! I'll be the lovable diva
of the group.
Hopson, get me
a fucking espresso, old man!
[screams] Twatemala
was Dobby the whole time?! [groans]
With my songs, we'll be a huge hit.
And I already booked our first gig.
We're gonna be opening
for the animatronic Possum Pizza Jug Band.
Just gotta get there three hours early
to disassemble the headliner.
You gotta be kidding me, right?
It makes more sense
than when I ate too many shcrump,
shit on the wall,
and became a famous artist.
That never happened.
Oh, that's right.
That's two episodes from now.
Spoiler alert.
Aw, Fitz, don't be such a Grumpy Gus.
It's gonna be great.
I already thought of a cool name
and a cool gimmick.
We're all gonna play fiddles.
[children cheering]
Please welcome to the stage,
The Kiddie Fiddlers.
[scattered applause]
Randall, that name sounds a little creepy.
Especially since you forgot
to bring the damn fiddles.
Relax, Fitz. They'll realize
there's nothing untoward about us.
Especially once they hear my song
about the shy bear
who's trying to get the bee's honey
from the hole in the tree.
I wanna stick my finger
In the yummy little bee hole ♪
Well, it's a secret
That I keep from other people ♪
Wait, my finger, it won't fit
Guess I'll stick my tongue in it ♪
[vocalizing]
Who the hell arrested us? This town
doesn't even have a goddamn police force!
I don't know, but we deserved it
because all the creepy-ass songs
you made us sing!
What do you mean, creepy?
"Stick My Finger
in the Yummy Little Bee Hole."
Nobody calls a beehive a bee hole!
What? My songs are completely innocent.
Like the one about me cheering up
a young shellfish going through chemo.
The song is called "I Wanna Play
with That Hairless Little Clam"!
Catchy, eh?
The songs ain't the problem.
The musicians are.
We just need more practice.
Right, Hopson?
- Hopson!
- [screams] Polyp took over Chief's body!
We don't care about all that.
My rider clearly states that I must have
a single green M&M backstage,
and I didn't get one.
Luckily, I brought my own.
[screams] Help me! He's eating my brain!
It's so nice to meet you.
- Mayor, I need to
- [fingers snap]
Okay. [wheezes] Maybe another time, then.
[gagging]
Anyway. Hi. [chuckles]
Hi. I'm Michael Lindell.
And this is My Pillow.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Lindell.
A-Aren't you gonna say hi to My Pillow?
[chuckles]
Uh H-Hi, Mr. Pillow.
My Pillow doesn't like your face.
- [chuckles] What?
- Nothing.
Uh Okay.
I think you'll find
that our town has a lot to offer.
I smoked crack once!
But it wasn't my fault.
My Pillow made me do it.
It's fine with me.
Honestly, if you move your company here,
I'd be willing to fluff both of you.
[laughs] Really.
Ugh. You are a sick, sick woman.
Come on, My Pillow.
Let's go masturbate in Mother's coffin.
[announcer] Paradise Party Dudes
is brought to you by My Pillow.
My Pillow! Fuck it in your mom's coffin.
So why is that stepmom stuck
in the dryer again?
It's those damn big titties.
I think she can sue that dryer company.
- [door slams]
- [mutters] Fuck you, door!
I mean, I offered to open it
for you, but here we are.
Jerry and Junior are missing.
We're hoping they came here.
Oh, man.
I-I'll ask Dobby if he's seen 'em.
Fuck you, door!
You are hard to be around.
Where is he?
Look! A note.
"Dobby Dobby, Dobby Dobby"
- Hey, what's that word, man?
- Dobby.
Oh shit! They ran away!
I'm so excited to be in my first porno!
When do the girls get here?
There will be no girls.
Okay. Guys. [chuckles] The original girls.
There will be no sex.
If I owned a Proto-Cubist Picasso,
I wouldn't shove it up
somebody's worn-out anus!
No sex? What kinda porno is this?
[audience chattering quietly]
[applauding]
This film is an auteur's dream
come to fruition.
And the most important piece
of cinematic art
of this or any generation.
There are vomit bags
in the seat pockets in front of you.
[film projector whirring]
Pain. Suffering. Angst.
But why?
- God is truly dead.
- [explosion]
[audience applauding, cheering]
They liked it!
I can't believe they liked it.
Who the hell are you?
[coming-of-age music playing]
[rock music playing]
Thanks for picking me up
from prison, Camaro Bob.
No problem, TransAm Terry.
Too bad you had to do 20 years
for killing those kids in the woods, baby.
I don't know. I just
There's something about a group
of kids coming of age in the woods
that sets me off.
Wait a minute.
Stop the car!
[tires screeching]
- Oh no. Here we go.
- [car door closes]
You kids over there coming of age?
In the woods?!
Yes, you are coming of age in the woods.
You kids are dead!
You sure you wanna go back
to prison so soon, baby?
[groans] No choice.
Terry don't care if you go in the woods.
Terry don't care if you come of age.
But if you do those two things at once,
it makes Terry inexplicably angry!
I guess I can relate,
but instead of kids, it's lonely MILFs.
And instead of the woods,
it's the back room of a yoga studio.
And instead of coming of age,
it's them squirting on my
Uh-oh. I just got wound up
and busted half a nut, baby.
Band practice started ten hours ago!
Where's Dusty, that dumbo-sized diva?
At least he can carry a tune.
Unlike you, Hopson, you talentless prick.
I got talent.
I know how to play the rusty trombone.
Yeah, Hopson, I don't have time
for your perverted bullshit.
What? That fella
at the music store gave it to me.
Oh. Well, my bad, Hopson. I thought
you were about to say something
As payment for eating his ass
while jerking him off.
You just got Hopson'd.
[trombone plays]
Randall, if you're gonna force us
to keep doing this,
can we at least come up
with a non-creepy kids' song?
Sure! I got a whole book full of 'em.
Check this one out.
It's about a clumsy juggler
and his fickle fans.
I like you now
But I won't when your balls drop ♪
My interest will end
When your balls descend ♪
You'll be dead to me
When your balls drop ♪
When those balls hit the floor
I won't, plop, plop, love you no more! ♪
Are you trying to get put on a list?!
[cell phone rings, beeps]
Kiddie Fiddlers' booking.
Really? That's great news!
Ha ha! Fitz, you're so full of shit.
I just booked us a gig
at Philadelphia Fest.
Ha! Told you my songs were good.
Look, y'all! I'm dating Yoko Ono!
Just like that Beetlejuice
named Don Lemon.
She thinks
I'm way more talented than y'all.
She thinks I should go solo.
She even wrote me a song.
Sing it for 'em, babe.
[screams incoherently]
I broke up The Beatles!
[audience applauding]
And this year's award
for Weirdest Dick goes to [giggles]
AFKAK Crawford!
[audience applauding]
It was just an honor to be nominated
with the likes of Carl Corkscrew Cock,
Freddy Fork Phallus, and Ethan Hawke.
- Thank you!
- [audience applauds, cheers]
AFKAK, I would love
to shoot a sex scene with you.
I have got a fetish for ungodly penises.
[strains] No kidding?
I feel like such a man. [pants]
Let let me go ask permission.
The hottest porn star on earth
wants to shoot a sex scene with me.
I will never let my wailing atrocity
come near a woman.
Please. I've shot 70 films,
and I haven't had sex with one woman.
I can't even cash any checks
because they're all made out to my dick.
Okay. One scene.
But you have to sign this contract.
It says I own your penis,
and when I die, I will be buried with it.
Sounds fair.
Wow. Best Makeup Artist.
I'd like to thank my English teacher,
Mr. Toomie,
who always said, if I put my mind to it,
I could deceive people
into jerking off to a bag of rats.
All the love, Mr. Toomie.
I hope you can see this in prison.
My goals are to become
the richest man on earth,
attain world domination,
enslave my workers, and defeat Superman.
I'm sorry, Mr. Luthor,
but I'm not sure that we want
an evil company like LexCorp in Paradise.
Oh. I'm not Lex Luthor. I'm Jeff Bezos.
Oh! I love Bosch. Welcome to Paradise.
That wasn't Lex Luthor!
That was Jeff Bezos!
I know. You're welcome.
Meeting adjourned, Your Honor?
What the hell do you want?
Aren't you Fitz's
incompetent psychiatrist?
I found that I can be incompetent
at lots of things.
I now represent Charles Lovely,
the CEO of Lovely Corp,
a multi-billion-dollar company.
He wants to move
his entire enterprise to Paradise.
[sinister music plays]
That's great. When do I get to meet him?
[man] Now.
[screams]
Hello. I am Charles Lovely.
Sorry about your plant.
Oh, it's fine. That plant was a cunt.
[crickets chirping]
Ugh. Where the hell are those kids?
You're a dog!
Can't you pick up their scent?
Bro, do you know
how much blow I do? [laughs]
It is It's all dead up there.
I can't smell shit.
Then how do we even know
they went this way?!
All kids go down these tracks
when they run away.
Hey, Delbert.
Remember when we ran away in '86?
Yep. Us, Mouth from The Goonies,
fat Jerry O'Connell,
and that boy from Star Trek
who got the leech on his pecker.
Oh yeah. That's right.
We never did get to fuck
that dead body, though.
We were trying to find a dead body.
Maybe you were.
AFKAK's getting laid today ♪
He doesn't even care
If she's a bag of rats, yeah! ♪
Oh, hey, honey.
These are for you.
I'm so excited for our shoot today.
Believe it or not,
I have a pretty weird-shaped vagina.
I have to use Waze
to put in a tampon. [chortles]
See you on set. [giggles]
Okay. Better get my costume on.
Ow!
Stupid bee! Go back
to your yummy little bee hole!
Wankenstein, take one.
Take me, Wankenstein.
Don't be afraid of fire
crotch!
I wrote that.
It's like improv or whatever. [chuckles]
Fire crotch good.
You're a fucking fraud.
You have a thick, beautiful penis!
No! I-I swear, I don't!
I am not putting anything that gorgeous
and perfectly formed
and basic inside of me.
I want a Buscemi, not a Hemsworth. Gross.
No! No!
What have you done?
You have wiped your ass
with the Mona Lisa.
What do I have to live for?
No!
[body thuds]
Well, at least now
I have a thick, beautiful
[sighs] Damn it. Back to Buscemi.
[audience applauding, cheering]
Okay, guys. Gonna start with that new one.
The one about me and my puppet named Jack.
Where's the puppet?
Well, I forgot the damn puppet, okay?
But we're doing the song anyway. Let's go!
Jack and me, Jack and me ♪
All the kids love Jack and me ♪
Billy loves Jack and me
Lily loves Jack and me ♪
Willy loves Jack and me ♪
'Cause all the kids love Jack and me ♪
Hoo! We're killing!
Let's do the one
about the son helping his dad out
with odd jobs around the house.
Where's my handy little boy? ♪
I need my handy little boy ♪
I need to hammer, nail
Drill, and screw ♪
And only tiny hands will do ♪
Grab my tool and go to town ♪
Squirt my wood glue all around ♪
This handy job brought me so much joy ♪
I am grateful for my handy little boy ♪
Big finish!
Time for the one about the boy whose dad
is telling him all about growing up.
Can't you give this context
to the audience?
No time. Hit it!
There's a man inside of you ♪
Don't fight him, let him grow ♪
Pretty soon he's gonna come ♪
And your innocence will be done ♪
There's a man inside of you ♪
You may wonder why this is ♪
'Cause when I was as old as you ♪
There was a man inside me too ♪
[audience cheering, applauding]
See, Fitz? I told you my songs were good.
What the hell?
This audience is all creepy pervs.
Look at that!
Yeah. "Philadelphia Fest."
And your point is?
That says "Pedophilia Fest"!
Oh shit.
I guess I've been mixing up
those two words my whole life.
No wonder the guy
at the deli looks at me weird
when I ask for pedophilia cream cheese.
I guess my songs do suck.
[Kevin] Great show, Dad.
You're even better than The Jiggles.
You're my hero.
My son likes my songs,
and that's all that matters.
And he's about to get molested
by a thousand pedophiles!
[gasps, pants, yells] Get outta my
[gasps] Wait, aren't you R. Kelly?
[chuckles] My Pillow made me come here.
[suspenseful music playing]
You sure you don't wanna make it home
to finally meet your 19-year-old daughter
before you go back to prison?
I did. Until these three decided
to come of age in the woods.
Now I gotta kill them!
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh ho ho. Oh
You three are in trouble now.
Nobody bites Terry's hand off,
balls off, and face off
at the same time!
[metal clangs]
Hey, you guys look different now.
More mature.
You came of age.
Holy shit!
I was the adversity you had to overcome!
I made you come of age!
In the woods!
Who who am I?! What am I?!
[screams]
Let's get you home, baby.
And don't worry about that new face.
I know a lot of horny MILFs stuck
in dryers with a Crypt Keeper fetish.
[calm music plays]
Wow. They really care about each other.
[sniffles] We were wrong
to keep them apart.
Maybe we should've stepped in
and stopped that whole thing
when we got here 20 minutes ago.
Are you nuts? That guy had a knife.
[male voice] I'll never forget that summer
we ran away from home,
went into the woods, and came of age.
As we grew older,
it was harder to stay in touch.
Junior became an astronaut
and the first dolphin-dog
to die in space from a heroin overdose.
Jerry tried several times
to get into the army,
but his weird, fucked up face,
fins, and blowhole kept him out.
Fortunately, he moved to Kentucky
and became the Senate Majority Leader.
And as for me, I became a writer.
Dad, can we go now?
[in Dobbinese]
[Kiddie Fiddlers]
There's a man inside of you ♪
Don't fight him, let him grow ♪
Pretty soon he's gonna come ♪
And your innocence will be done ♪
There's a man inside of you ♪
You may wonder why this is ♪
'Cause when I was as old as you ♪
There was a man inside me too ♪
[screams]