Portlandia (2011) s04e03 Episode Script

[Phone rings.]
There is blood everywhere.
That sounds very grizzly, sir I'm just going to ask you a couple questions.
Have you had any trouble urinating? No.
Do you have any new sexual partners? No.
I need to know what you had for dinner this evening? A salad.
Could there have been beets in the salad sir? There is spinach Was there goat cheese? Oh yeah, actually there were beets in there.
Yes beets often change the consistency and the color of your stool.
- Really? - You are going to be fine.
I promise it's not blood, it's beets.
Oh damn ok, thank you.
You are very welcome.
Please stop crying.
Don't roll your eyes.
They can't see me rolling my eyes, she doesn't know I'm rolling my eyes.
What? What have you eaten today? I had a bowl of soup.
At any point do you think you had any beets? - No.
- Ok, what kind of soup was it? Borscht.
Borscht is actually made from beets.
So you did have beets.
What should I do? Just flush a couple times, it will be fine.
[Toilet flushing.]
Are you able to breathe? Yeah.
- Is it beets? - Yeah.
Great.
- Hi was it beets? - Yup.
Thought so.
beets you ate tonight? Hi I assume it's beets? Beets butt what's your problem? Do you have a red toilet? All that is ma'am is just beets discoloring your stool.
You can call it a stool stain.
You don't have rectum cancer.
It's beets.
You didn't notice I had a hair cut.
Where did you get a hair cut? Right here.
This is shorter.
[Phone rings.]
I've had a car accident.
Can you tell me your exact location? I'm not sure.
Did you have a beets in a salad, or beet chips or Beets am I understanding you correctly? Beets the vegetable.
I was in a car accident, there's a I'm covered in red, wait a minute.
You know what, you're right it is beets.
I crashed into a beet truck.
How the heck did you know that? Sir, it's always beets.
I think I'm covered in beet juice.
Of course it's beets sir, thanks for calling.
Hello, 9-1-1.
[Theme music.]
Settle down everyone.
It's been a good year.
Heirloom tomatoes didn't even exist five years ago.
Now eaten like steak, kale consumption is at an all time high.
[Applause.]
Excellent work Larry.
Hahaha, and brussels sprouts are back.
Don't know how you did it Bill.
Bill: Ah, they sell themselves.
Which brings us to celery.
Yes, Marty I'm talking about you.
Marty: Yeah, doing the best I can here.
Your numbers are down.
- Yeah.
- Look at this graph.
Oh because my graph That's you down here.
I don't have that same graph.
Oh.
Did you ever here of a thing called Bloody Marys? I need new ideas Marty.
What I'm trying to get back to you is just food, just a basic stick of celery is good in and of itself.
Really Marty? Because I feel like celery is limp.
Ah, old celery is, I'm talking about the new and improved celery.
I'm gonna do a whole, a whole viral celery phenomenon that is just going to knock your socks off.
My socks are already off, Marty.
Popeye, I'm gonna talk with uh, who does Popeye? It's not Hannah-Barbera, no I'll find out.
I'll get on it.
And I think we should have the New Adventures of Popeye.
- Instead of eating spinach.
He eats celery.
- Bill? I've got an idea of where to put the celery.
How about the, what is it called, the dumpster? [Laughter.]
I just wanted to announce that we just got an account with Virgin Airlines.
For brussels sprouts to be featured on the menu.
With flights as a dessert.
Oh.
Bravo.
- Honey and maple syrup.
- Real results Marty.
- That's what I'm looking for.
- I'm old school.
And I think most people when you talk to them they would agree.
Marty you know who else was old school? Dick with alfalfa sprouts and now Dick is gone.
We need new ideas.
I'm out of ideas! I don't know what to do anymore.
Well, what about ants on a log? You know, you put the two little raisins and a smiley face.
That's how we met.
- That's how you wooed me.
- They laughed at me when I did the peanut butter and the raisins.
They were pointing at me going - that's your idea? - I don't know why they'd laugh.
Because you're a good guy and that's a good snack.
They're going to fire me.
You understand? They're going to - fire me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- Have some dinner.
- Beet salad? - They were on sale at the market.
Yeah.
Would it kill you to put a little celery in there? - In a beet salad? - It's good! - It doesn't taste good honey.
- Why don't people like celery? It's full of soluble and insoluble fiber.
You don't understand that's very hard on the digestive system.
- Ahhh.
- My life is falling apart.
[Music.]
Seventeen has just come in.
Number fifteen is paid.
Number twelve is ready.
- Hi, welcome to Order Grill.
- Hi.
- One? - Yeah.
Welcome to the Order Grill.
Where the ordering experience is tailored to your needs.
First of all, how was your day today? - It was fine, thank you.
- Fine, ok.
That's great.
So you gotta fill this out.
There's a new email that you make up for here.
And then you do your protein preference.
Then it's your veggies.
There's tomatoes, fried green tomatoes, sun dried tomatoes, cherry tomatoes, red bell peppers and then beverage bonanza.
Ok, that's just for - I know it seems like a lot.
- It does seem like a lot.
But it's not.
And you would be number eighteen.
Guys number - eighteen is putting in their order.
- It's a pastrami sandwich.
Don't tell me your order.
That's not me.
Come on, come on.
Let's go to the first station.
- It seems complicated.
- Complicated! - What are you talking about? - I'll let you go.
- Hi, I'm Lillian and I designed this restaurant.
- Hi.
What I've done is I've changed the form and therefore the entire essence of ordering.
You're going to order whatever - you want.
Can I give you a map? - Pastrami sandwich.
[Music.]
So drink station is right over there.
To the right and then back to the left.
And the ice station is right back over there.
So you have the ice and the soda at opposite ends.
I know, haha.
Um, ok, fourteen twenty-eight.
And when do I get my food? - Pastrami sandwich.
- Is that me? - Pastrami.
- I have a potato flag.
- Is that helpful? - Pastrami sandwich.
- Twelve? - Is your name Pastrami? - No.
- Pastrami? - Does it have Sauerkraut on it? - No, then it's not yours.
- It's probably mine.
- We'll start it from the beginning.
Trish: - Hi, I'm Trish.
Jayme: - I'm Jayme, welcome to Pet - Haven.
- This is Jack White.
Jack White loves to run away.
Yeah, it's a really good dog for - running away.
- If you're someone that loves - the chase.
- If you want to make fliers, - if you want to be stressed out all night.
- That dog is for you.
[Music.]
Hey, can I get a Bloody Mary please? Thanks pal.
What the hell is this? Pickles? Pickles in a Bloody Mary? Where's the celery? This is not proper bartending.
This is bullshit.
Oh, hey Bill.
Bill! Bill! Hey, it's me Marty.
- How are you doing Marty? - Hey, can I buy you a drink and maybe pick your brain a little bit? Hey, can I get a Bloody Mary for my friend here.
Congratulations on a great year.
- I mean, wow.
- Well, - boy oh boy.
- We just got an account with the country of Russia.
Imagine that.
- How do you do it? - In order to get up you've got to use your brain.
You've got to use your, you know, your - intellect.
How are you making people re-think celery? - Soup.
Does that seem exciting to you? Soup? You're going to walk into a five star restaurant and say, "Hey you guys need to start selling celery soup.
" You want people to get something in a plate and go, "Try this, try this.
" You think they're going to do that about soup? Who are you partnering with? - For a while raisins.
But - What is it 1955? I need help.
Look, I'm gonna I'm going to give you a phone number.
You've got to reach out to some other foods.
You did not get this from me.
Bacon? You son of a gun.
This guy is a genius.
Don't be desperate.
Stop being sweaty about everything.
Make a new business partner, but don't get too friendly.
You understand what I'm saying? The stove is hot don't burn your fingers.
[Phone rings.]
- Hello? - Hi honey, it's me.
I got a lead on something and I'm pretty excited about it.
I'm going to have to go away for a little while.
I don't like how you're sounding Marty, please come home.
- Do you trust me? - Yeah, I trust you.
- Just be careful, ok? - Of course I'm going to be careful.
And I'm going to get us both those cell phones we want.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
[Kissing sounds.]
[Music.]
[Texting sounds.]
Like, like.
Happy B-day.
[Texting sounds.]
Ok, Ms.
Brownstein you are here to declare social bankruptcy.
I want you to be clear on what this means.
You will be absolved of all debt.
All your Facebook friends will be gone, all your emails and voicemails will be deleted.
All your Twitter followers will be gone.
You'll be able to start with a clean slate.
But this is kind of the nuclear option.
[Text message.]
Do you want to get that? It's like it physically hurts when it goes off.
- I just want you to know.
- I'm sorry hold on, hold on.
If you need to, you know, like a couple of friends.
Instagram or - something.
- I don't, I don't want to do - any of that anymore.
- We do offer counseling to help - you sort of get out of debt.
- I tried that, I feel like my - bandwidth is just full.
- I have some template responses I use um, pet pictures.
I'll just write, "Cuuuuuute.
" - Just with like a bunch of Os.
- Cute is with a U.
- No, C-Y-O-O-O-O-T.
- I appreciate that you've come up with a method for dealing with it.
I don't want to live my life like that.
You're just supposed to put that in there? [Sips.]
I'm so jacked up right now.
You know, Pink re-tweeted me - recently.
- Yeah, that must feel - fulfilling.
- Huge.
One of my biggest ones.
A play on words, I said, "Abacus is a machine you can really - count on.
" - I can't wait to miss out on - jokes like that.
- Alright, Ms.
Brownstein.
- You can sign right there.
- I'll go to the library and - find something in a book.
And - What's a library? Is that like a big Kindle? Oh my God, Fred, I just got back from Powell's.
I got so many books.
I got that one Lorrie Moore book that I have not read yet.
I went to acupuncture then I got a massage.
I just have so much time I feel like I'm just soaking it all in.
- I feel so alive.
- I'm sorry, do I know you from - some place? - Seriously? Yeah, you seem very cute and I hope that we met somewhere great.
Are you visiting Portland? - Fred, it's Carrie.
- Carrie? Carrie what? Brownstein, B-R-O-W-N-S-T-E-I-N.
- Listen.
- Ok, are you on Facebook? No, I'm not on Facebook anymore.
So you are not on there.
Are we friends? - Yes we're best friends.
- We're best friends? We're best friends.
Let me just Google you, wow I've never seen a blank Google page.
It's almost like you don't exist, you're not on Google at all Carrie Brownstine.
- Stein.
- I don't no anything about you if you're not on here or on Instagram.
- Are you on Instagram? - No.
I want to go back, I changed my mind.
Just give me a second, meowbama, for pawsident, let's go.
Ok, so here are other people who aren't online, your new group of friends, say hello to Bronwin, your aunt Elizabeth Dave, Coma Dave and a baby.
What about my other friends.
They're gone.
I'm making a scrap book for you, about the spotted owls that I told you about them in the '70s and all the big ruckus that they caused.
She is your Wikipedia now.
Now they were trying to get the barred owls to be killed.
I have to go, I'm so sorry, I miss the internet.
- This is what you wanted.
- Fred, Fred! But owls are very amazing.
I'm still online, thanks.
Fred, Fred I'll get back online, I'll leave a giant digital footprint.
Hello? Who is it? Oh hi it's me Marty from celery, are you the bacon guy? You're a little bit early, I've never really heard that word before, "The bacon guy" if that's what you'd like to call me I don't really care.
I don't mean any disrespect, I get called the celery guy.
Well you're a man who celebrates, sells celery so therefore you're a guy and you're the celery guy.
I actually think that celery is exciting in its own right.
It's not that I need bacon.
But right now I could really use some help.
What do you have for me, that's what I'd like to know.
Do you have a girlfriend? I'm married.
Oh well.
But I'm willing to share the profits, of course.
Once celery takes off.
You want to play games with me? I do not want to play games with you, I'm here to make a deal.
I'm here on business.
Well this is what I'd like, I know you have a wife and I would like one night with your wife and then we will be in business together and you'll be a huge success.
You want to sleep with my wife? I would, yeah, I'd like that.
No offense, I don't think she'd like you.
Nobody does.
I'll do it.
Do you want to see a picture of him? I'm good.
Ok, I want you to understand I'm not asking you to do this.
Listen I'm going to have sex with the bacon guy, celery is going to get back on top and we are going to take that trip.
To Santa Barbara like we keep saying we are going to do.
Ok? I'll talk to him, maybe he would go for a hand job.
- Ok.
- Ok, this is just I give a great hand job by the way that is not a downgrade.
It's going to feel like intercourse for him.
What's wrong with me, stupid celery, what am I doing? You don't look so good.
My wife is going to bang a guy from bacon.
Do you know what F-B-I stands for? - You're from the FBI? - Don't look at me.
We've been investigating bacon for years, if you were willing to wear a wire I think we could bring bacon down, you in? I'm in, I'll do whatever it takes.
Popcorn? - Thanks - You're welcome.
Are you going to call me or anything? [Music.]
Do you own any change? Spare change do you have a dollar? Spare change? Does anyone have a dollar? - Help us out.
- Do you have a dollar? Hi do you have a dollar? This is going to sound kind of weird can I like join you guys? I just have had this corporate job for years, 9-5 everyday is the same it's so monotonous, you know like, this one day my co-worker said to me "Thank God it's Friday" and you know what I did? - I laughed.
- Yeah, do you have a dollar? All I have is a five.
Do you guys have any change? - Sort of getting it.
- Yeah, but you want to do like Do you have any change, you got to do some volume.
Do you have a dollar? - Dollar.
- Dollar.
- Dollar.
- Dollar.
- Dollar.
So could I like join up with you guys? Yeah, give us a dollar.
So you are going to be one of us you got to dress like one of us.
Yeah, I mean these are the colors I sort of live in sort of a cats tongue this is like a lavender, this is like a devotion blue.
Yeah, that's got to go.
[Music.]
Things have to hang, you need a lot of this.
What are those for? Just so you can hear it.
I don't know it doesn't feel like me, I feel a little exposed.
It's because you don't have your animal.
Yeah.
No.
[Dog whimper.]
No.
[Dog whimper.]
No.
[Meow.]
Now what? Now we walk around.
[Music.]
Hey guys, sorry I don't think this is working for me.
My therapist said I needed to get out, get more exercise.
I think I'm just going to go join a gym.
That's going to take a lot of pan handling to I'm actually rich, I have a lot of dollars.
Wait, you're rich? Yeah, I have a ton of money.
I mean I'm rich too.
Really? Yeah, I like grew up in the South West Hills.
What school did you guys go to? - Caitlin Gabel, where did you? - No way! Central Catholic! What sports did you play in high school? I was pretty good at tennis.
I was ranked eighth in state.
- Oh my God.
- Steffi Graf she was like my hero.
Steffi Graf.
- Weddle fan? Boris Becker fan? - I was a Beck head.
I knew it.
Do you know Denis McDonald? Oh he's real famous.
Well it was cool hanging out with you guys I think I'm going to go back to work tomorrow.
Oh I don't think you have to work tomorrow.
Oh yeah, it's Friday.
Huh, T-G-I-F.
Ahh haha.
[Music.]
[Computer noise.]
[Door bell.]
Come in.
- Hey.
- Why, hello Martin.
This is my wife Loraine.
Have you ever seen a Venus fly trap? Not in real life.
It's kind of an animal and it's kind of a plant at the same time.
So she's ready to have a go with you in exchange for your help with the celery deal that we made.
You look like you're wearing a wire.
Haha.
A wire? Why would I-- Run! Stop running, somebody catch them.
[Music.]
Hey, where were you, we almost got, what's happening.
We have everything we need, thanks for your help.
Who are you anyway? - What kind of rows are those? - Why is there corn everywhere? Corn used to be America's vegetable and then along comes bacon and makes every vegetable from zucchini to celery sexier than corn.
I'm sorry you got caught in the cross fire but our work here is done.
I was going to whore myself out, is that still on the table? Why would that still be on the table? For fun.
There was no FBI.
It was all a ruse big corn had been pulling the strings all along and celery was caught in the cross fire, thank you.
If you want to find out what happens next, you'll have to buy my book.
It's done.
[Music.]