Scrubs s04e03 Episode Script

Today I walk in here not as a resident, but as chief.
Chief resident.
Chief Resident Dorian.
Chiefy-chiefy-chief.
What's that, your new cool guy walk? No.
I have rocks in my shoe.
Wow! That's a lot of rocks! I gotta stop taking that shortcut through the quarry.
Anyway, the best thing about my new job is that I command a lot more respect.
Chief resident in the house.
- Everybody say, "Hey!" - Hey! Though Councilman Donovan was handcuffed because he was flying high on crystal meth, his respect felt good.
It's the reason I keep voting for him.
Have a good day.
Try not to torture anyone so much - That they take their own lives.
- I'll try.
You're not looking as processed and overly-medicated as usual.
- That is so sweet.
- Come here.
It was the same old Dr Cox and Jordan.
The weird thing was, there was something underneath it.
They were happy.
We have some very exciting news.
Don't tell me.
You and Sweaty Teddy here are gonna finally have that commitment ceremony? Even if I went that way and there were nights in the service when it didn't sound far-fetched - Ted is hardly my type.
- I beg to differ.
I've seen Enid.
- What? - Nothing.
Dr Cox, remember a few years back you asked me to look over your divorce papers to make sure "that slag would die a penniless whore"? Sorry.
It's OK.
"Slag" is kind of his pet name for me.
Anyway, I was also going through a divorce.
She's with my brother now.
He's nine inches shorter than me, but he wears a piece.
The point is, you and I signed the wrong papers which technically means you two are still married and so am I.
Well, mazeltovs all around.
I'd never seen Dr Cox and Jordan speechless before.
It was neato.
Just so you know, I think this chief resident thing has made you a little too big for your britches.
So from now on, I'm gonna be your britches-shrinker.
Is that supposed to intimidate me? No.
I had to do it anyway.
What reason could you have for breaking your broom in half? Thanks, bro.
Any other questions, smart guy? Whassup, ladies? What's up with these rocks? - You've been gravelled! - Gravelled? It's a new game I made up this morning when I had rocks in my shoes.
- I like it.
- Better than Play-Doh Pants? Play-Doh Pants became all about the money.
Wise.
It felt good cheering Turk up.
Now I'm Chief Studly, I was making a lot more money than him.
Needless to say, it was a time to be extra sensitive.
Remember I make more money than you? Here's five bucks for remembering.
I was thinking about spending some extra ducats on one of those classy suits we wanted.
The leather purple jumpsuit Eddie Murphy wore in Raw? - You know it.
- That's cold.
I gotta go.
I got a new attending and he hates it when we're late.
- Plus, he's a question talker.
- What's a question talker? Do I want you to be on time, Dr Turk? Yes, I do.
Am I going to remember this? Of course I am.
Miss Myers is ready to have her bandages removed now.
You mean "dashboard face"? Yeah, I think she prefers Miss Myers.
She shouldn't be checking her e-mail while driving 90 mph.
- Sorry I'm late.
- We weren't waiting for you.
Great, I'm on time.
As a psychiatrist I should be there when Miss Myers' bandages get removed Her accident was traumatic enough but with reconstructive facial surgery on top of that? In my professional opinion, "Yikes!" If you are coming in, I just might go ahead and phone up my pool man and my architect so we can populate the room with useless people.
Great! My mom's in town.
Should I call her? That was good.
OK, I'm gonna get these bandages off and make sure the plastic surgeons have left your face as beautiful as it always was.
You're so nice.
Are you married? He is as of this morning.
I thought he was divorced.
No, the papers didn't go through.
You know what? I've got a son I don't fantasise about Jordan dying as much anymore and even though it wasn't planned, I'm actually happy about the way this marriage thing has worked out so please stop your chirping and step away from my personal life.
- So, what's his wife like? - So scary.
You go ahead and have a look there.
Wow.
You look fantastic.
You do.
Doctor? Really fantastic.
Thank God you were here.
Since Elliot and I are both chief residents I'm trying not to make it all about me.
John Dorian, chief resident.
You know, unless it's someone I could doink.
You need to move your car.
It's my day to have the parking spot.
You have a scooter.
Why do you need a parking spot? It sends a message.
Just because I lured her away from her boyfriend and dumped her doesn't mean my scooter Sasha needs to suffer.
What are you doing? Just making it official.
Chief.
Co-chief.
Try as hard as you want, that is never gonna stick.
That's Co-chief Resident Dorian over there.
Damn it! You are quick.
Damn it, I got an appendectomy again? Sweet! I get the duwa Do-oh Duodenal jejunostomy.
What's wrong with you? So I can't pronounce it.
Try and be a little more sensitive, OK? New bra, Janice? Cos it's working.
The only reason I'm getting all these great procedures is because nobody's died on me in three months.
Man, you never have to apologise for being on a hot streak.
I'm psyched for you, and I wouldn't take those procedures away if I could.
Sir, would you mind giving me the duodenal jejunostomy instead of the Todd? Am I impressed by your moxie? You betcha.
Am I going to reward it? Not a chance.
This Todd thing is killing me.
Where's your lunch? Thank you, Barry.
Hey! That's for Barry, Jr.
What? The little guy's in leg braces.
Hi.
I visited my safety deposit box today.
Guess what I found? - My grandfather's Purple Heart? - Please.
I sold that years ago to pay for these.
Our wedding rings.
- Holy cow.
- What do you think? Are you kidding me? I'm gonna wear this the rest of my life.
Of course, marriage can make the rest of your life seem longer.
So you're just going to fall asleep right after for the rest of my life? So I'm supposed to pay for your Botox the rest of my life? I'm not sure I want to watch you drink a beer while I'm holding the baby for the rest of my life.
Look, Attila, there's no way I'm gonna listen to you complain about the rest of your life for the rest of my life, got that? Yeah, not listening.
Now that we're married again we've got to make out new wills in case one of us dies.
Oh, God, I hope it's me.
Yep, there was definitely trouble in paradise.
Would Co-chief Dorian please report to the ICU? Co-chief Dorian.
The co-chief.
Well, Mrs Covello, your CAT scan showed a small rectal tumour so I want to schedule a low anterior resection.
Don't worry.
We have an amazing surgical team here, OK? That means a lot, coming from the co-chief resident.
How did she hear? She's been in a coma for two weeks! - Damn it.
- Buddy.
- Can I talk to you? - Sure.
Todd's doing her resection, but if you send her down now - He's busy so it'd have to be me.
- What's he doing? You know the surveyors outside taking pictures of the hospital for the zoning commission? I told him they were shooting a Sacred Heart calendar.
Gentlemen, say hello to June! How about a sneak peek at July? I don't know.
It's a little early to start pulling strings.
I just got this co-chief job.
Damn it, now I'm saying it.
Come on, man, get me back in the game.
- OK.
- OK! OK! Here's ten bucks for letting me help you out.
Spend it wisely.
I think she's a little upset she doesn't look the way she used to.
Why? How did she used to look? Oh, dear ugly.
What do you know? It's the paging of the shrew.
Why don't you talk to her? - Why don't you? - Mind my own business.
Your life is your life, it's not my job to fix it, unless you ask me.
When I get in there, because I'm a good shrink and you, my friend, are a walking disaster.
Shall we? So now, Miss Myers, how are you feeling? I was wondering if it were possible to have surgery again.
Hi, sweetie.
I'm in a tunnel.
Your body's been through an enormous amount of trauma.
I can't recommend you go racing back into surgery.
If you just give it time, you'll be happy with the way you look.
Oh, my God.
What? I just don't look like myself.
I know I had a big nose and droopy eyes but they were my nose and my droopy eyes, you know? Tell me more about yourself.
Around here, there's always one person that'll come through for you.
In Turk's case, that was me.
Hey, Elliot! I want to talk to you about this chief resident thing.
- What about it? - Well, as you may have heard from the loud speaker, some residents, the janitor my mother, your mother and a coma patient I'm being referred to as the co-chief resident.
I think we should either both go with co-chief or chief, don't you co-agree? Excuse me, we're working up this patient for a hyper-coagulable state with a prolonged PTT.
What's our next step? That's easy.
What you want to do I'd like my answer from the chief resident.
We're both chief residents.
Isn't that right, Dr Reid? With a prolonged PTT, you'd want to do a one-to-one mixing study.
That's why she's the chief, you're the co-chief.
- Shut up, Lonnie! - You shut up! Obviously, for your ex-wife, just the illusion of hair is important.
Excuse me.
So you're saying it had nothing to do with my impotence? I was wondering if we could talk about Miss Myers in my office.
I make it a point to never enter a shrink's office unless I'm planning on over-paying somebody for telling me something I already know.
You're distracted by your marriage.
I know.
What do I owe? Will 10 bucks cover it? - Yeah! - Are you gonna hang onto that? I forgot my lunch money.
It's kielbasa day in the cafeteria.
Love it.
Miss Myers values your opinion.
I don't think you're trying to understand how she feels.
Look, if I ever want your advice on one of my patients I'll ask, but do not hold your breath, unless, of course, you can hold it for a really long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.
I can't.
I used to smoke.
Kielbasa.
Yes! Let me buy you lunch.
I'm rich.
I'll buy you lunch and some gold teeth to eat it with.
You got one more black joke this month before I bust your ass.
Damn it! I used them all up watching Barbershop 9.
That's it, and I'll get you later.
- How'd surgery go? - I was on top of my game.
It can be scary to stick your neck out for a friend.
- It's huge when they come through.
- How's she doing? Unfortunately, she didn't make it.
What? - What do you mean she died? - JD, I did everything I could.
My attending thought I did great.
He said, "Do I think you did great? I do.
" I couldn't help wonder if by taking that patient from Todd and giving her to Turk, I had toyed with fate.
I know that look.
You're wondering if you toyed with fate.
How could you know that? It's a brand-new look! What do you think Todd would have done that I didn't? - Doctor, her heart stopped.
- No! Here! I'm gay! I knew it.
Oh, my God! That's your "the Todd would have pulled his own heart out" look! OK, we have been spending way too much time together.
Guess what there, wifey.
You can't be a pain in the ass if I don't have a phone.
Hi, sweetie.
Save it.
I was calling to tell you I'm taking Jack and staying at my mother's a few months.
Who's gonna look after him when you and your mother go marauding for flesh? Thank you for making this so much easier.
Jordan Jordan.
Come on, Jordan! Are you OK? Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna go check on Miss Myers.
Molly sent her down to surgery.
Oh, wrong day, new chick! In a hospital, it's hard not to let your personal life affect your professional life.
Forget about JD.
You're just as good as the Todd.
You got this.
All right, people, I believe we're done here.
Did you just sew your gown into the patient? Yeah, you did.
Hey! Hey, somebody! Hey! Randall was in the air conditioning vent and it collapsed on him.
Buddy! Co-chief! Co-chief! Hey, you fixed him! Come on, buddy.
That's it! Dr Kelso, could you help me out? People have been referring to me as the co-chief resident.
You should take it up with the chief resident.
But I'm the chief resident! Dr Reid's check is made out to the chief resident and mine's made out to the co-chief resident but we both make the same amount.
Right.
Dr Reid, you should make $10 more a month and Dr Dorian, you should be making $10 less.
It's not much, but it symbolises the difference in your levels.
- Coolio! - Coolio indeed.
I could spend all day worrying about what happened but I have more important things to do.
Hey, man, look what I confiscated from one of the kids in paediatrics.
- What, too hot? - Yeah! - Sorry.
- Not in the mood! OK, we both might have had bad days but I got just the thing that's gonna cheer us up.
- Dream come true, right? - Do you really think I want this suit? Well, I do But not from you! Now I get it.
You're just mad cos I make more money than you.
No, I'm mad because of that surgery today.
You doubted me.
You are such a wuss! Turk, come on! These things chafe.
Now I know why Eddie called it Raw.
Carla, do you have any powder? You went behind my back.
I gave you every opportunity to do the right thing.
I'll tell you what, Miss Manners, why don't you gulp down that bear-sized bite and then we'll talk.
Yummy.
That is great kielbasa, but you can't really screw up kielbasa, can you? So, where were we? Honest to God, I can't remember.
Right, Miss Myers.
The plastic surgeon said it was safe to operate and Miss Myers really liked her old face.
You don't have to be a psychiatrist to see that if you used to be happy and now you're not you should go back to the way it was when you were happy.
Isn't that what you would do? Yeah.
Jordan.
Will you? Will you divorce me? - I thought you'd never ask.
- Thank God.
Listen, I probably should have put a stop to all this co-chief stuff.
What? I haven't even been thinking about it.
Look, JD, ever since you dumped me everyone has been treating me like some kind of victim.
It's like, "Look at poor Elliot going home alone.
" Or "Look at poor Elliot, riding a tandem bike by herself.
" That's not something I normally do.
I wanted ice cream my car was out of gas and that's the bike the Gundersons loaned me.
- They do everything together.
- OK.
The point is, it was nice being the one chief resident for a while.
She's got fingers like biceps.
And so, by the power vested in me by the American Bar Association I pronounce you ex-husband and ex-wife.
You may now do whatever the hell you want! - I've never been this happy.
- Me, neither.
You have no chance of being normal.
Thirsty, huh? Helps the tears taste less bitter.
Cheers.
How are you guys gonna celebrate your divorce? By not inviting you.
Oh, my God, dude, I doubted you for a second, why are you so mad? Maybe I needed you to believe in me.
I believe in you, baby.
Yeah, but we're married, that doesn't count.
- What the? - Did you? - Yeah.
She's been gravelled.
- Nice work.
Look, man, it was one second of doubt, OK? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks? I don't.
I care what you think.
Since the day I met you, you've treated me like I was the man like I could accomplish everything.
- This is gonna sound lame - I got it! You being like that is one of the reasons I've gotten to where I am.
Wow.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In the end, every relationship needs maintenance.
Hey, Ted, get out the sun, man.
You owe me money! Whether it's the smallest gesture Hey, doctor! Doc! You want to take a look at the guy in 302 and tell me whether you think he's sick or just bonkers.
Are you actually asking my opinion? I'm gonna ignore it, but yeah, knock yourself out.
orjust picking up back where you left off.
I'm a little nervous about surgery tomorrow.
You'll kick ass, man.
So, are you guys gonna go out tonight? No, we're gonna stay in.
Well, I'll be in the bedroom with all the straight people.
- Are your giblets warm? - Like a Christmas ham.
Same.
The bottom line is that if you care about someone it's pretty easy to make the sacrifice.
Wow.
Thanks, JD.
And she's just been gravelled.