Sex and the City s04e03 Episode Script

Someone once said that when one door shuts, a window opens.
Big and I had shut our door but our window was open and blowing a great breeze.
- People don't dress up anymore.
- Like with waistcoats.
And watch fobs.
- I'm gonna bring back the watch fob.
- A man with a plan.
Smoke, please.
Now that Big and I weren't playing the dating game, we were free to just play and it had never been better.
Where is it? Wow.
Impressive.
The ladies enjoy sleight of hand.
And the watch fob.
Meanwhile, 35 blocks north at Dr.
And Mrs.
Young's cocktail party another set of ex's were enjoying the view.
Look at all the shades of green in the hillside.
It's so beautiful.
What's beautiful is your ass in that skirt.
- Trey.
- It is.
Now that Trey and Charlotte had opened the door of communication Trey wanted to get in everywhere.
I'd like to do some very dirty things to you right now.
We're at Winky and Bob's cocktail party, and I'm your estranged wife.
My estranged wife has a damn fine ass.
I think it's really great how up for things you've been lately.
But we are in public.
So why don't we get our coats and go back to your place because my ass will be damn fine there, too.
For a radiologist, he's awfully full of himself.
His wife is even worse.
They were passed over for three Park Avenue co-ops because of that yippie dog.
That's what you get for over-breeding the Pekingese.
Certain behavior will keep you from getting into a co-op.
And certain behavior is almost assured to get you kicked out of one.
The entire surgical staff of Lennox Hill Hospital is in the next room.
- They'll understand, this is an emergency.
- At least close the door.
While Charlotte walked through her door I reached mine and kept it firmly closed.
Okay then, Houdini.
- I'll walk you up.
- I think I got it from here.
Then I'll watch from down here in case you trip.
What's with the There will be no Okay, you're the boss.
But I'm always available for the Nighty night.
Nighty night.
Have you guys ever done it in a restaurant bathroom? - Lotus.
- Sparks.
Somewhere over Chicago.
She said restaurant bathroom.
There were warm nuts involved.
- Classy.
- How about a coatroom? - Lotus.
- My last birthday party.
- I'm out.
- Syrup? Are these theoretical questions, or are you getting busy, missy? Trey and I coatroom, Friday.
Bistro bathroom last night.
- But I thought he couldn't - Apparently he can, all over Manhattan.
This is a very happy development.
- No, we're not even together anymore.
- Doesn't sound that way to me.
We're supposed to be getting to know each other again, not Fucking against a hand dryer? It is so confusing.
Are we dating or are we back together? Is he my boyfriend or my lover? Or my ex-husband whom I have sex with occasionally in coatrooms? - And bathrooms.
- I'm going with "D," all of the above.
- Who cares what you are? Just enjoy it.
- No, I need to know where we're going.
We'd like to know, too, since you'll be having sex there.
Why define it? He's my husband, we were defined by law.
Now it's all blurry, it's so hard.
- Thank your lucky stars.
- Enough about me.
What did you do this weekend? - Monkey Bar.
- Fun! - With whom? - Big.
The bar, not the bathroom.
So you and Big are really friends or something? - Yeah.
- Friends or something.
- Easy, prosecutor.
- Shouldn't you define your relationship? - Charlotte didn't have to.
- Charlotte married the guy.
We're undefinable.
- She's sleeping with him.
- I am not sleeping with him.
We're just hanging out.
It's fun, in fact now that the pressure's off, we're finally enjoying each other.
It's good.
It's a slippery slope.
Without boundaries, you won't know what'll happen.
We might actually have fun.
Have fun, just don't have amnesia.
Exactly.
Can we lighten up on the boundary talk? I'm fine.
Are you thinking about sleeping with him? - No.
- You hesitated.
I was swallowing.
The Eskimo have hundreds of words for "snow.
" And we've invented three times that many words for "relationship.
" But the more words we invent, the harder it becomes to define things.
In a world where you can date without sex screw without dating and in the end keep most of your sex partners as friends long after the screwing is over what really defines a relationship? That night, Miranda let her boundaries down with Doug a cartoonist for The New Yorker.
They had been dating for about a month.
Miranda didn't know what they were, but she knew it felt good.
It was a morning of firsts.
It was the first time Doug had spent the night and the first time a man had peed in front of her.
That night, we went to Charlotte's gallery for the opening of an exhibit by Maria Diega Reyes, the Brazilian artist.
He just whipped it out.
I'm brushing.
I look over, he's peeing.
You can probably say he's your boyfriend.
Only a boyfriend would do that.
I don't want a boyfriend who does that.
It's never okay to do that.
Wait your turn, shut the door, do your business.
This is perfect.
Ms.
Boundaries has found Mr.
No Boundaries.
Do you like it? I do.
It's the artist's favorite.
- You know her? - I am her.
I'm sorry, I should have - Samantha.
- Maria.
I have a bone to pick with you.
I came ready to buy, and look all these red dots, there's nothing left.
That's never bad news for the artist.
But I have many more in my loft.
If you ever want to come down, take a look I will, and soon, before those get sold out from underneath me, as well.
- It's a deal.
- Now a non-art-related question.
Where are all the hot guys? Maria.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It is stunning, all of it.
I'm so proud of you, chica.
Enjoy! It's my ex.
And about the hot guys.
No hot guys.
That's good for you, but what's in it for me? The next night, my ex introduced me to a tiny jazz club in the East Village.
Aren't these cats amazing? "Cats"? Loosen up, baby, we're below 14th Street.
Okay, baby.
There I was, inches away from my ex-boyfriend friend, whatever lusting after a bass player.
You want another drink? - Do you want another drink? - Yeah.
Thank you very much.
We're gonna take a short break.
When we come back, if you're nice we'll play another set or two.
Apparently, everyone in the universe wanted me to define my relationship with Big.
- What do you think? - I like it, baby.
Didn't think I had that groovy jazz club in me, did you? No.
Hey, man, you were really great.
Not great, I'm just trying to keep up.
- You were great.
- You know jazz? No.
Can I buy you a drink? No, I own the place.
It's the only way they'll let me play.
I can't keep a beat.
At least I can drink for free.
Ray King.
Hi, I'm Carrie Bradshaw.
Jazz neophyte.
- Sorry, this is - You're running low.
Joey, Glenlivet.
Coming right up.
- So you own this place? - I do.
I own this, one uptown.
Hell of a lot of mortgages.
Cointreau on ice, white wine Jeez, I gotta go.
- Heading uptown? - I am.
You need a ride? - That'd be great.
- I'll call my car.
This time? Cabs are lined up outside.
So then we'll take a cab.
Okay, we'll take a cab.
Okay.
You sure your bass is gonna be okay? Yeah, sleeps at the club all the time.
Sometimes it even hooks up with the snare drum.
Cabs are bullshit.
Listen, can I get your number? Yeah.
Sure, let me just I'm a writer with no pen.
- Thank you.
- No problem.
- 6-7-3-9.
- I know.
This is me.
Thank you.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Bye.
What are you doing? What do you mean? You know what I mean.
Now he's gonna think we're together.
What, you like the porkpie hat? - That's not the point.
- I'll tell you, he had some breath on him.
- His breath was fine.
- Are you kidding? It was like he had a bad burger with B.
B.
King in '75.
All right.
We gotta figure out what we're doing here.
- What are we doing? - What are we? We're friends, how's that? What kind of friends? Friends who listen to jazz friends who eat pizza.
Friends who There will be no Carrie likes her jazz man.
Jazz.
All right.
That's it, I'm going upstairs.
- Suit yourself.
- I have to go to sleep.
Nighty night.
But I couldn't sleep.
My bizarre ménage-à-taxi was haunting me.
Hello? You know, when I hear that song, I think of you.
I don't even know you, how fucked up is that? That's good.
Can you hang on a second? Yeah.
Okay.
- Hello? - What are you doing? I can't talk right now.
You're on the other line? - I am.
- Porkpie? Look, I gotta go.
- Tell him he needs mints.
- I'm hanging up.
Carrie likes a jazz musician.
Sorry.
No problem.
Listen, I'd like to take you out on Saturday night.
I promise you won't have to listen to me play.
Okay, I'd like that.
Great.
Don't bring the angry guy.
He's not so bad.
- See you.
- Okay.
- What do you want? - What do you see in that guy? He knows when to say good-bye.
The next morning, Miranda decided I might have been right.
Maybe she was Ms.
Boundaries.
If she wanted a decent relationship she couldn't throw the boy out with the toilet water.
She would have to let down her boundaries.
And there was no better time than the present.
Hi, you scared me.
You got any bagels? - Top of the fridge.
- Cool.
- What about filters? - Above the coffee maker! While Miranda tried to do her business Samantha helped Maria with hers.
- Am I doing this right? - Don't think, just do it.
You know, painting is like eating, like sex.
I can do that.
You know, I came to buy art, not make it.
This is a Brazilian thing.
Everyone that crosses my door has to help.
But you have a choice, really.
You can make a painting or you can do my laundry.
Not gonna happen.
- You're buying one of my paintings, right? - You're buying my next manicure.
I'm sorry.
Do we Do we need to talk about this? Do we? I've done the girl thing once, twice usually involving a guy and a couple of Quaaludes.
It was nice, really.
And really nice for the guy.
But I'm not a relationship person.
And you're really something.
Could we be friends? It depends.
In my language, "friends" translates to a person with a warm heart that buys a lot of my art.
What's Portuguese for "working it"? Working it.
The next day, I found the perfect color on me.
And something else on Charlotte.
Excuse me, but is that a hickey? - Let me see.
- Oh, my God, I don't That's so retro.
Trey and I made out in the movies.
No, that is retro.
That's not all we did.
Right in the middle of the movie, I gave him a blow job.
In the theater.
- Crouching Charlotte, Hidden Hummer.
- You guys were right.
Once I stopped defining everything, I realized how great we have it.
Congratulations, sweetie.
It sounds like you got a nice, healthy relationship.
Charlotte realized if Samantha defined her relationship as healthy she had one sick relationship on her hands.
The next day, as Trey looked for action Charlotte went looking for answers.
Please, not here.
- Should we go to a movie? - No! We're five blocks from your place.
We'll just wait and we'll get in our old bed and we'll really make love like man and wife.
I don't want to wait.
Why can't we wait? It's five stupid blocks.
What is wrong with us? Are you so scared that if we go back to a bed, you'll have the same problems again? Please.
Let's not discuss this in front of the driver.
You just wanted to have sex in front of him.
And just like that Charlotte slammed the door on her and Trey.
- Hello.
- It's me.
So if we were to, say make love in my bed could we still do it in a taxi? We'll see.
All right then, call you tomorrow.
Evidently, when Charlotte closed the taxi door she opened a whole new window.
The next morning, Miranda got up early to pee in peace and make Doug coffee.
Smells great.
It's the cinnamon I add to the Apparently, when Miranda left the door open for peeing she opened the door for everything else.
Sometimes I like to add a pinch of nutmeg to my coffee it takes a lot of the Maybe it was narrow-minded.
But for Miranda, an open-door dump was definitely worth dumping someone over.
That's the thing about New York, everyone's always going.
Tonight, it was to the opening of Tao.
Ray's and my first date.
Everyone was there everyone.
So, what? This is the only restaurant in New York opening tonight? The Burger King on Ninth Avenue had a line around the block.
You remember Yeah.
Hey, man.
How are you? This is Sha.
Sha? The "Y" is silent.
Thank God you're finally here.
I got the last table, let's go.
Okay.
There we were, me, my ex the jazz guy, the model the lesbian, and her friend Samantha.
Sha? She's a supermodel.
Super for you.
- Think we'll ever get our Mee Krob? - I love Mee Krob.
It's their specialty here.
Is there any more wine in there? Thanks.
I'll be back.
Stop.
Look at me, I grabbed some Mee Krob.
Mee-Krob-a-licious.
How'd you get this? Turns out the chef worked at one of my clubs.
You know all the right people.
I got the in on the noodles.
If it's okay with you, I'm gonna camp out here for a while.
It's okay by me.
That table is bad.
Yeah, man.
Good thing we weren't fucking hungry.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
Turn right at the Buddha, honey.
Just to, you know, get things straight you and Carrie are just friends now, right? You're available? Yes, ma'am.
So if you're just friends what exactly do you think you're doing? Because that girl might come off like she's all strong and over it but she's fragile and she's my best friend.
So I suggest you back off.
Can't we all just get along? Excuse me.
- You okay? - I'm fine, I'm sorry.
That guy's not good for her.
Look, I'm gonna go.
Don't go.
We can get another table.
I lied.
I can't just be your friend.
What I saw back there You were magnificent.
And how do you say that You kick ass.
And I see where this is going and you don't do relationships.
It would be very bad for me.
So we can't even be friends? I'm gonna go in here and you go back there.
And you're really something.
Right then and there Samantha decided to let down her boundaries and opened herself up to the possibility of a relationship with a woman.
And in a different bathroom - I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
Come in.
- Want some? - No, all set, thanks.
Okay.
You can go, it's okay.
I don't really have to go.
Thank God.
He talks about you.
Oh? Did you two used to date or something? Something like that.
Okay, I'm gonna My date's waiting for me.
Okay.
Sorry.
I couldn't avoid it.
Everywhere I went, I was confronted by my Big relationship.
I just left silent "Y" in the bathroom and P.
S.
, apparently the '80s are back.
Listen, we're gonna go.
Okay, Ray and I were gonna go first.
- See you later.
- Okay.
You know what I love about this city? Everything can sound like a jazz riff.
Like that garbage truck is Really? 'Cause I get more of a Like a I don't know.
You really don't know jazz, do you? I just scatted on my first date, man, give me some credit.
Somewhere between the Mee Krob and the model, I was dating again.
It was nice.
This is me.
You know what you are? You're Do-do-do, right back at you.
With every second of our kiss it was becoming clearer I really liked this guy.
So maybe that's it.
What ultimately defines a relationship is another relationship.