Son of a Critch (2022) s04e03 Episode Script

1
POP: Ah! Bulk garbage day!
Scavenger's Christmas!
You know, I'm always amazed
what people throw out.
Hey, I'm using that!
I'm working on a big
story for the school paper,
the Holy Heart Hooter.
You know, the cafeteria is swapping out
hotdogs for pizza on Tuesdays.
Sounds like the story of the century.
I'll have you know,
I got the tip from a
disgruntled lunchroom employee.
Ah, exactly three hours to
our flight to Ottawa, as of
Now!
MARY: I didn't sleep a wink last night.
My first time off the island!
Now, remember, Mary,
this is a business trip.
There should be nothing
pleasurable about it.
- Mm-hm.
- It's big news!
What's the story about, again?
Meech Lake Accord! The
Premier's flying to Ottawa.
The feds are gonna recognize
Quebec as a distinct society.
What about Newfoundland?
We're more distinct than they are!
They're French, Pop. They
have their own language!
So do we! "Whaddya at?"
"Yes, b'y, me son."
"Stay where ye're at and
I'll come where you're to."
I don't even know what it means!
Well, all I know is that work is paying
for your father's
flight and a hotel, so
We finally get to have a real vacation!
[CAR HONKING OUTSIDE]
Oh! Two minutes behind schedule.
Come on, Mary, let's go!
Mark
You listen to your grandfather, hmm?
MIKE SR: Never mind that!
Pop, you listen to Mark.
He's in charge!
Still gotta pay for your
flight and the incidentals.
No room service!
- MARY: Ugh, the love of God!
- [DOOR SLAMS]
Um
You're alright on your own, right?
I've got some scavenging to do.
ADULT MARK (V.O): Pop was
stuck in the classifieds,
but I was destined for the front page!
♪
[PRINTER WHIRRING]
[UPBEAT, URGENT SYNTH MUSIC]
It's alright.
Yeah, yeah.
♪
FOX: How's this?
CARA: This is really good.
Stop the presses!
Here you go, chief.
I know it's obviously
front-page material,
but we should discuss font size.
I mean, this is one for the scrap book.
Fox, do you have this week's horoscopes?
Nope.
Good reporters don't miss
deadlines, they embrace them.
When's your birthday again?
May 14th, right?
You remembered.
Taurus.
"Danger
You run the risk of
losing your girlfriend.
A bruised heart and
a black eye await you.
Lucky numbers, zero."
Okay, uh, so what I'm hearing
is that you need more time.
We can't use this.
Not newsworthy.
What?
This is big cafeteria news!
The cafeteria has its own newspaper.
It's called the menu.
No, you can't do this.
We are the first freshmen
to edit this paper.
That's only 'cause all the paper nerds
graduated last year.
Either way, we have to do better.
Ritche will back me!
♪
RITCHE: Aah! My photos!
Sorry, I just need your opinion.
Well, whatever it is,
I pick the other side!
CARA: Tell you what.
I have a lead.
This girl in my biology class, Sindhu,
she says there's a teacher
that's been playing it loose
with some test scores.
And she can prove it.
ADULT MARK (V.O): And just like that,
I had another chance at the front page!
Who doesn't like a good comeback story?
[MAJESTIC MUSIC]
Oh Mike!
[GASPS] It's
Expensive!
Good God! We can't afford this!
Oh
Wow!
It's gorgeous!
And work is paying.
You work so hard to be treated right.
- Oh, God, me back.
- [SUITCASES FALL]
MARY: Besides, it's romantic.
And we get to be alone, hmm?
Bienvenue au Château Laurier.
Oh, no, no, no,
there'll be none of that!
Oh, monsieur. S'il vous plaît.
- No
- What?
No takey! No takey la!
- MARY: Oh!
- Mike SR: Mary?
Get that one.
MARY: Geez!
MIKE: Buddy's just looking for tips.
The station's not paying for that!
If he fell into a barrel of boobs,
he'd come out suckin' his thumb!
- MIKE: Mary!
- Mary: Eesh
MIKE: [MUTTERING] Don't need
any help with the bags
MARY: Come on
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O): My whistle-blower!
Like Deep Throat in
the parking garage
But at a picnic table in broad daylight.
MARK: Hello.
Uh, this is Mark Critch,
the Holy Heart Hooter.
You told me to meet you here.
I just don't want to be
seen talking to a reporter.
ADULT MARK (V.O): Reporter?
Now, this was real journalism!
You can trust me.
I better. It's about Brad Parsons.
The captain of the hockey team?
He failed his math test,
but his teacher still
gave him a passing grade.
Well that is quite the accusation.
How do you know this?
'Cause he cheated off
of me and I failed.
But Brad, he got a C.
You tell a pretty tall tale,
but in the journalism
game, we deal in a currency
we like to call proof.
Look.
This is mine, and this is Brad's.
Why would he choose you to cheat off
if you're bad at math? No offence.
I'm great at math.
I was sick all week and then
I come back to a pop quiz.
I'm not stunned, you know?
Okay, I'm sorry. Had to ask.
Why is his all crumpled?
He threw it in the trash,
which was pretty suspicious,
so I had to fish it out.
Look at the answers on both our tests.
Uh
Same answers, different marks.
Why would the teacher do this?
I don't know.
Who is your math teacher?
Sister Rose.
ADULT MARK (V.O): Sister Rose?!
The vice-principal?!
So this went all the way to the top!
Well, the second from the top.
We never spoke.
And if you write something,
keep my name out of it.
♪
♪
[FOOD SIZZLING IN PAN]
Thanks for making me lunch, Mike.
It's really sweet.
It's one of the perks of
living next door to the station.
Well, it must be nice
having your own place.
I'm still living with Mom
until I make some cash.
Ah, come on, you'll get there.
It took me a while too,
but I am a working man now.
Totally self-sufficient.
[LOUD BANG]
POP: Hey, Mike!
Gimme a hand with this, will ya?
Who's that?
Oh, my grandfather.
POP: Mike!
[BANGING ON FLOOR]
Hey, I need a hand!
MARY: Oh, Mike!
[GASPS] Oh!
Aah
Oh
It's the Peace Tower!
MIKE: A view?! I don't
have time for views!
I'm gonna be working all day!
You'll get a better view
than that tonight, hmm?
A single bed?
Oh, it's so big!
And roomy!
We've always had twin beds.
I'll never sleep in that!
I needs me space!
Well!
That you shall have, then.
[KEYS JINGLE DOWN]
Wha ?
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
Hey, Pop!
- Are you okay?
- Oh, okay?
Hah! I'm better than okay!
Somebody threw away a
perfectly good waterbed!
You don't see many of those anymore.
POP: No.
Have you ever lay down
on one of these things?
I mean, it's like sleeping on jello.
'Course, there [CLEARS THROAT]
There is the small
matter of installation,
which is where you come in.
Oh, you can't be serious.
Oh, yeah.
I mean, just get your
friend to help here.
I'll go get the tool tin.
♪
SINDHU: [AUDIO TAPE] Sister Rose.
Sister Rose did this?
This is big, right?
Dude, this is huge!
CARA: Congratulations, Mark.
You just got your front page.
We're gonna need photos of the evidence.
My first story and it's the front page!
Isn't it great?
Drop it.
What? Why?
Brad will kill you or Sister
Rose will expel you. Or both.
Look, I'm not the biggest
fan of Sister Rose either,
but she did push my brother ahead.
Pushing a kid ahead is different.
Look, Sindhu deserves justice.
Or is this more about you
wanting to be in the spotlight?
Reporting's in my blood.
I have to follow through on this,
no matter the danger.
Which I am thinking you're
finding kind of, uh
Heroic?
I find it kinda stupid, actually.
But if ruining someone's
life is what you wanna do,
then go for it.
ADULT MARK (V.O): Fox
had buried the lead
Right into my back.
[SIGHS]
[PATRONS CHATTING INDISTINCTLY]
Oh!
- Mrs. Critch.
- Oh?
For me? Thank you.
[IN POLITE VOICE] Hello,
Mrs. Critch speaking.
MIKE SR: [PHONE] Hi, Mary.
[IN REGULAR VOICE] Mike! Ya shagger!
- Where are you?!
- [SIGHS] I'm sorry, honey.
I'm not gonna be able to make lunch.
Everybody and their dog is
trying to get at the premier.
I can't come back without an interview,
not after all the money
the station's after
pouring into this thing.
It's okay, I understand.
Business, not pleasure.
But you'll be back in time for us to
Oh, Mary, I gotta go!
The Quebec premier just
came outta the toilet!
[CAMERAS CLICKING AND
REPORTERS SHOUTING]
Frig!
Geez. Oh, dear.
You've been stood up? I'm sorry!
I couldn't help but overhear, I'm sorry.
My husband.
He has to work.
Well, so does mine.
I'm sorry, you look familiar.
Have we met?
Well, I wouldn't say.
- I'm from Newfoundland.
- Me too!
- Oh!
- Ah!
- How lovely!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
Would you care to join
me for a glass of wine?
I'm drinking for two here now.
- I would!
- Great.
I'm Mary.
I'm Ellie.
Nice to meet you.
You too.
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O): Brad Parsons.
The Nixon of the high
school hockey team.
SISTER ROSE: Go, Hooters!
Hoo-hoo!
ADULT MARK (V.O): Maybe Fox was right.
Maybe it was too dangerous.
FATHER GARCIA: Anyone
interested in a quick confession?
ADULT MARK (V.O): Our
school had more confessionals
than men's rooms.
Mark Critch? You look like you could use
a holy shoulder to lean on, huh?
Quick penance for your thoughts?
ADULT MARK (V.O): I was desperate.
God would have to do.
MARK: Thank you.
[WATER RUSHING]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Oh, come on. This is ridiculous.
[SIGHS]
Ah, this is gonna take forever.
I'm gonna lie down.
♪
[GROANS]
Ah, too soft.
[GRUMBLES]
Oof.
No
Too hard.
Oh, God
[GRUMBLES]
[HOSE RATTLING ON FLOOR]
[SIGHS]
Perfect.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
You see, Father,
if I run with the story,
people will get hurt,
and they, in turn, might hurt me.
That's quite the spiritual pickle.
Who are the parties involved?
I really don't feel comfortable
divulging my sources, Father.
Mark, I can assure you that
anything you say here stays here.
If these walls could talk,
you know what they would say?
"Shhh!"
Okay, uh
The student who cheated
was Brad Parsons.
- The captain of the hockey team?!
- Afraid so, Father.
And and who's the teacher?
Sister Rose.
Oh!
You know what? Um
Be like Pontius Pilate and
wash your hands of this one.
Yeah, just forget about it.
Forget about it.
That's a sin, Father.
It says so in the Bible.
You can't believe
everything you read, buddy.
I mean, the Bible also
says, "love thy neighbour"
and then not to covet
thy neighbour's wife.
I mean, pick a lane, right? [LAUGHS]
ADULT MARK (V.O): Father
Garcia was clearly compromised.
For all I knew, he could be
wearing a wire under that collar.
Yeah! No, you're probably right.
Uh, uh, thanks again, Father. Uh
Go, Hooters.
[VOCM JINGLE PLAYING ON RADIO]
[UPBEAT ROCK PLAYING ON RADIO]
MIKE JR: Lunch do-over?
Mom made us some sandwiches
before she left town.
Oh. Strong, independent man.
Hot.
Yeah, okay. I do live alone!
Just
In the same house as my parents.
No, I do think it's cute that you
and your grandfather are so close.
I mean, I never knew mine.
DICK: [RADIO] Dick Dunphy here!
When you hear the call
of the wild baloney,
call in to win a big stick!
- Gobble, gobble, gobble
- [RADIO SWITCHES OFF]
Or my father, for that matter.
You know
Dick's not a bad guy.
But maybe we shouldn't
tell him that you were here,
just in case he gets the wrong idea.
Maybe it's
The right idea?
[WATER DRIPPING]
♪
Pop!
CARA: Okay, almost done.
Now all we need is your
story for the front page.
Yeah I don't know.
What's not to know?
- We need it!
- You know what you really need?
The other side.
My family's been accused of
a lot of stuff over the years.
Most of it we did, but
some of it we never.
And nobody ever asks us
for our side of things.
If you're gonna do this,
you need to interview Brad.
Fine.
But
I'll need some backup.
ADULT MARK (V.O): And by backup,
I meant someone to call an ambulance.
What
Dude! Knock!
Sorry!
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
[WATER RUSHING]
Well, that doesn't look good.
[WATER TURNS OFF]
Pop!
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Hey, Pop!
Wake up!
Whoa
What's the matter?
Your friggin' bed is
leaking into my apartment!
Wha what?
That's impossible.
That bed has the bladder of a teenager!
Move.
[WATER RUSHING]
Oh, no.
Oh
Well, no wonder they threw it away.
It's garbage.
I was such a fool to bring it in here.
You know, that's actually
a pretty solid frame.
Wouldn't you say, Amanda?
Oh, yes.
You could put a regular mattress in it.
You think?
MIKE JR: Yeah. You know what?
I'll give you 15 bucks for it.
Twenty, hmm?
You know, you better clean this up.
Uh
I gotta take a nap.
What a sweet thing to do.
Aw, thanks.
Now help me toss it.
ELLIE: Well, this has just been lovely!
Us work widows have to
stick together! [LAUGHS]
I have been going on about my husband!
I haven't even asked you about yours.
Now, what does he do?
Well, he's the premier.
- Oh!
- [CHUCKLES]
To chance encounters.
Chance encounters, indeed.
- [GLASSES CLINK]
- Ah!
Uh
Brad? Or do you prefer "Bradley"?
What?
I'm late for practice.
Mark Critch, the Holy Heart Hooter.
And this is my associate Ritche.
- Photographer.
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
I knows who ye are.
Right, uh, just for the record.
Record?
There have been certain
developments, as it were.
There's been an allegation.
Uh, lies, most likely.
By an unnamed source.
And I know what you're thinking,
"all sources have names." Am I right?
You cheat on that math test?
Yeah, so?
But you still failed it, dumb-ass.
Why did Sister Rose pass you?
Nun wants to win the cup.
And if I fail another test,
my old man's gonna
pull me from the team.
No me, no championship.
I'm untouchable.
And to get to me,
you're gonna have to go
through a whole lotta nun.
Anything else to add?
Go, Hooters.
Fox, that was amazing!
Now you have your story.
It's our story.
I couldn't have done it without you.
- I know.
- Me too. But you owe me some film.
ADULT MARK (V.O): Like hockey,
journalism is a team sport.
SISTER ROSE: Why are we meeting here?
I have something to discuss
with you that was told to me
under the holy sacrament of confession.
Out with it.
It smells like ketchup chips in here!
Um
Mark Critch thinks that
you gave Brad Parsons
a pass on his math test.
Yeah.
So ?
The only good thing
about having boys here
is we finally have a hockey
team that kicks some ass.
I must [PAUSES AND CLEARS THROAT]
We must beat Sister
Agatha and win that cup.
[SIGHS]
For your penance,
maybe say five hail Mary's and
Try to make this right.
Especially before it
hits the school paper.
The paper?!
Critch!
See you in hell, Father.
You can't say that in here.
It's bad luck!
[OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC]
♪
[GROWLING]
CARA: What are you doing, Sister?
I'm shutting down this rag.
"A false witness shall be punished,
and a liar shall be caught."
Proverbs 19:9.
Where's Critch?
He's handing out the early edition.
♪
[EXCITED CHATTER]
♪
[CHATTER CONTINUES]
Give me that.
STUDENT: No way
[LAUGHTER]
[SNARLS]
PREMIER: Well, Mike,
Newfoundland is every
bit as distinct as Quebec.
We got our own time zone,
our own breed of dog
Two of them, in fact:
The Newfoundland dog and
the Labrador retriever!
The French got
Poodles?
Not to mention that
we were our own country
until Canada joined us in 1949.
Newfoundland is not signing
the Meech Lake Accord.
Distinct?
Well, this stinks!
REPORTER: Premier!
Premier, just one question!
No further comment!
What'd he say?
Is he walking out?!
Did you hear that, Mary? I
just got a national exclusive!
And it's all thanks to you.
I guess we better go
back to the hotel room.
Early flight tomorrow.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I owe you a walk along the Rideau Canal.
Enough business.
Time for some pleasure.
Oh, Mike.
Finally!
I just gotta file this story first.
MARY: [DISAPPOINTED] Oh.
Come with me?
Mm-hm!
SISTER ROSE: Uh, wait!
But let's not be hasty, Mr. Parsons.
I warned him. His marks come first.
Brad's off the team.
But what about the playoffs?
Don't care. He's done.
Let's go.
ADULT MARK (V.O): A good story
afflicts the comforted
And comforts the afflicted.
You have to find the silver
lining in the natural disaster.
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O): And
remind people that sometimes
the underdog wins.
♪
♪
♪
ADULT MARK (V.O): Just not all the time.
SISTER ROSE: [ANNOUNCEMENT]
And the Holy Heart Hooters
lost to the Gonzaga Vikings, 3-0.
God help us!
[STUDENTS BOOING]
ADULT MARK (V.O): Bad news travels fast.
So take your time.
You don't want to miss the good stuff.
♪
♪
♪
♪