Superstore (2015) s04e03 Episode Script

1 Okay, I'll go in first.
Wait, maybe I should go in first.
It doesn't matter who goes in first.
We just can't go in together, 'cause it's gonna look suspicious.
Well then, if it doesn't matter, - I'll go in first.
- That's fine, go in first.
I'm happy to sit here for ten minutes - and listen to the radio.
- Okay, no, you go in first.
- Oh.
- Amy.
- Hey.
- Listen.
Sorry for accidentally texting you that nude.
No worries.
What's Jonah doing in there? Oh, hey, Dina.
Uh, I was just looking for this Del Taco receipt for 12 tacos.
You must have been very hungry.
No judgment.
So did you two drive together? Um, yes? We did.
We are carpooling to save some money.
And the environment.
Well, saving money is reason enough.
No need to keep explaining.
What's going on? - Nothing! - Maybe we should get inside? Amy and Jonah are carpooling.
Oh! I'm in.
Carpool karaoke.
What's carpool karaoke? You know how people like to sing in the car? That.
Well, that settles that.
Dina, you're blocking my door.
Hey, Sayeed! Amy and Jonah are carpooling! Whoo! Carpool Karaoke! That's what I said! [Laughs.]
That's what she said! That's wild.
[upbeat music.]
It doesn't make any sense.
Why are you guys carpooling when you live so far apart? You literally have to drive past the store to pick each other up.
I'm surprised this hasn't occurred to either one of you during your long morning drives to each other's houses.
You know what, Cheyenne? You are really good at this logistics stuff.
You should be planning everybody's carpools.
Really? You think so? Yeah, you're really great at it.
You have a gift for logistics.
Oh, because I could.
I mean, I could do it right now.
- Now would be great.
- Okay.
I'm gonna.
Get it, girl! Why don't you just tell everybody you're dating? This is the most boring secret I've ever had to live with.
We don't need everybody in our business, okay? This place loves gossip.
Well, at least get better about hiding it.
What are you talking about? We're not acting different around each other.
I mean, it's obvious to me, but I'm more perceptive than most.
Most people didn't even notice that Henry and Jay have been hooking up.
I mean, it seems obvious to me.
There's an opening at the Fenton's store, and they said that I could transfer.
You just need to sign this form.
Wait, is this about Jonah? Because I can make him take you back, okay? Yeah, I'm his boss.
He's gotta do what I say.
That's so generous of you to offer to force someone to be with me.
Makes me feel really good about myself.
It should.
Uh, but no, this isn't about Jonah.
I mean, the Fenton location is just a lot closer to my house.
Well, if everyone only worked at places that were close to their house, then I'd only work at my neighbor's.
Yeah, that's a good point.
Should we get a scented candle for our nightstand? Yeah.
This one smells like peanut butter.
Oh! [Laughs.]
I already got a jelly one.
- PB&J.
- [laughs.]
Jay! What are you doing here? Jerry and I are moving in together.
Oh.
Wow.
Congratulations, Sandra.
Enjoy my HPV.
Thank you.
Hey, Mateo, how many times in a row have you been employee of the month again? Oh, I don't even keep track.
- I think it's at least three - Five, it's five.
Five.
Wow.
That's a good run.
Um, Kelly wants to transfer to a different store, and I was thinking maybe it's because she doesn't feel appreciated here.
So, then I was thinking, "What if we made her Employee of the Month this month?" Like, both of us at the same time? Well, maybe just her, you know, as a token, to make her feel special.
Ah.
What a cool idea.
Thank you.
So we would take it away from me - Yup.
- And give it to her.
Yes! Love that, so much.
Great.
Although I do wonder devil's advocate Mm-hmm? If it somehow cheapens the award by just handing it out to anyone, if that makes sense.
Well, she's not just anyone.
I mean, Kelly is wonderful.
Oh! Absolutely.
Without a doubt.
Kelly's a delight.
But at the same time, she's also, you know, terrible at the job.
Yeah.
I got a map and marked down where everyone lived, and then I used logistics to figure out the most efficient carpools.
Wow.
You really put a lot of effort into this.
Yeah, I haven't sold, like, anything today.
Like, nothing.
A few thoughts: you've got Mark riding with Terrence.
They hate each other.
Sarah and Rob are going through a divorce.
Sarah had that secret family.
So did Rob.
Um, see this line between Heather and Cody? That's a river.
So how are they carpooling? - Submarine? - Yeah.
Herman's riding with Rico, but Rico's got BO, and Herman's dead.
You can't put Phil with anyone Korean.
He's not racist.
He's too into it.
And I wouldn't ride with Elias even if you promised to murder my entire family.
But, uh, other than those, nice work.
Do you think Garret's right? Are we acting like we like each other? I don't know, I mean, maybe I'm annoying you less than I used to.
- Ah, no, that's not it.
- Oh, yeah? Name three things I do that are actually annoying to you.
- Just three? - And you can't say can't say asking this question.
That doesn't count.
It's too easy.
Okay, come on.
Let's hear 'em.
You know what? Enough chit-chat.
Get back to work.
What are you doing? I'm just joking.
I was working until you interrupted me.
- Just do your job, Jonah.
- You do your job, Amy.
I am doing my job telling you to do your job.
- Not bad.
- That was good.
Today, we honor one of our most valued and cherished employees.
On behalf of store 1217, it is my privilege to award the Golden Vest to Kelly Watson! What? Wait.
The Golden Vest? Yes.
It's one of Cloud 9's highest honors.
Oh, Glenn, you really don't have to do all of this.
Shh.
The Golden Vest! [whispers.]
Cheyenne.
- Congratulations.
- Yay.
Really, Jonah? You're spraying all-purpose cleaner on the fruit? You know what? Chill out.
I'll fix it, all right? Stop shrieking.
Oh, so anytime a woman tells you what to do, it's shrieking? Oh, don't make this about sexism.
Have you ever looked in the mirror, listened to your own voice It's about being a lunatic! Listen to yourself.
You're shrieking! God, I hate that guy.
So sparkly.
I'm sorry? All these months.
Playing dumb.
Just playing so dumb.
All the time! [Chuckles.]
Well, you knew exactly what you were doing.
You were going for the gold.
Are you talking about the vest? You can drop the act, Helen Mirren.
You got what you wanted.
Mateo, you know that this is just some silly made-up award, right? I mean, it's completely meaningless.
It's like Employee of the Month.
You are the most petty, jealous, and bitter person I've ever met.
[sighs.]
I gotta get the [bleep.]
out of here.
Need help finding anything, Jer-Bear? Yeah, I'm looking for some art with just, like, words on it.
Like maybe it says dream or cat or Merlot.
I don't know, I'm not an artist.
Let's see what we can find.
You look amazing, by the way.
What have you lost, like, 10 pounds? I don't know.
I've never weighed myself.
[laughs.]
You are so funny! You make me laugh harder than anybody! I mean, I am laughing so hard, I am crying.
[laughs.]
Oh.
Oh, sorry.
I forgot I wasn't wearing a bra.
Uh, that's okay.
I am so embarrassed.
Don't look at my face.
Nobody cares about your obnoxious opinions, Jonah! Oh, obnoxious! That's a pretty big word for you, Amy! Oh, sure, keep on calling me dumb, you slick-haired, insecure, sad little fancy boy.
What an insulting and antiquated thing for you to say to me.
You know what? If I'm a fancy boy, - you know what you are? - No, what am I? You are a loud-mouthed, domineering, crazy little - [whispering.]
Is bitch too - No, it's good.
Bitch! Yeah, I said it.
Don't you use that word with me! Take this! Ow! You shoved me, Amy! What is wrong with you? Yeah, I did.
What are you gonna do about it, you wuss? Ow! Um, why would you slam my clipboard on the floor like that? Nice pivot.
And then I realized that Dom always says creepy things to women when he's alone with them.
So I had him pick up Jarrett before Amanda.
But then the problem was, who is driving Debbie? And then I remembered, Debbie had that cocaine problem so she can't smell a thing.
Which brings us back to Kyle the farter.
Boom.
Now, you know a lot of these people don't work the same shift, right? Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
I mean, they wouldn't even be at the store at the same time.
Okay, yeah, I get your point.
Hey! Keep your saggy boobs to yourself.
Oops.
Did Jerry say something? I didn't hear him complain at the time.
That's because he's very soft-spoken.
Ow.
Stop.
You stop.
There she is.
Mrs.
Golden Vest.
She's the best.
Did you sign my transfer papers yet? But you won the Golden Vest.
Glenn.
Come on, don't leave us.
I mean, I know it's not a perfect workplace, but we love each other here.
Keep your hands off him! He's mine! Excuse me, I've got to go stop the love.
Oh, great, working next to Amy.
- I can't wait to be scowled at.
- No! You do not talk to my best friend that way.
- No, Dina - Butt out, Amy.
Listen to me, you rejected American Girl doll.
You think you're so great? Your boyish good looks aren't gonna age well.
You're hitting a wall, pretty boy, at a hundred miles an hour.
Yeah, you can already see it.
The crow's feet, receding hairline, hunchback.
To think I used to masturbate to you.
- Oh.
- Multiple times a day.
What is going on in this store? Jonah and Amy are at each other's throats.
Somebody started a Twitter campaign, #GoldenVestSoWhite.
I mean, it's just been tense lately.
It must be my fault.
It's like they say, the fish rots from the head.
What are you talking about? It's the expression.
Fish rots from the head.
I've never heard of that.
Why would it rot from the head first? It would all rot simultaneously.
The point is, if things are toxic here, it's my job to fix it.
If anything, the guts would rot first, they're full of feces.
Where are you getting this head thing? I mean, whoever told you that was not an ichthyologist.
I don't care how a fish rots.
Well, I don't care for you spreading lies about fish.
How is that a lie? [tinny music playing over stereo.]
A toxic workplace is a workplace where an employee feels both unhappy and unwelcome.
Now, what could cause that? Uh, your supervisor being a giant pain in the ass? Oh, wow, Jonah had a little comment, shocking.
Wow.
Those two really don't get along.
Well, no, no, this is a perfect example.
Like, you need to communicate better.
Look, let's practice.
Who wants to say something critical about me? Oh! Oh, Oh, Oh.
Pick me.
Pick me.
I've got so many.
- Uh - Come on.
Anyone? Amy! Why don't you say what you don't like about me? Um, no, there really isn't anything.
Oh, come on.
I'm not made of glass.
Uh, okay.
[Clears throat.]
I guess if I had to make a complaint, because you're forcing me to, I don't love the way you pronounce "measure.
" Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Good.
It's just kind of hard to shake off here.
Really took the wind out of me, but Okay, we're back, okay.
All right, moving on, um No, I'm gonna need another minute.
[light music plays.]
Okay, so one way to deal with conflict is to try and see it from the other person's point of view.
Uh, for example, these two had a terrible breakup, which left Kelly feeling a lot of pain.
So, Kelly, I want you to imagine that you're Jonah, and I want you, Jonah, to tell Kelly how you're feeling.
Yeah, you can do this.
Okay, uh, Kelly, I'm sorry I was such a bad boyfriend.
But I also realize that you should be able to transfer stores if you want to.
Um, yeah.
That-that was okay.
You know, it's always a little rough at first.
Now, Kelly, I want you to tell Jonah what you're feeling.
You know what actually, I'm sorry could you have them switch clothes? It would help me visualize it.
That's interesting.
I'm just gonna do it like this, okay? Jonah, I don't feel you were fair to me Wait a minute.
This sounds nothing like Kelly.
It's more like [high-pitched.]
Hi, everybody! I'm Kelly! Nope.
Wait.
Hold on.
Let's do this.
Nice and accurate.
How about it? Dina, it's not about doing impressions.
Hey, it's me, Kelly! Boy, it sure is windy out today.
Whoa! That seems unnecessary.
Jonah, you told me you loved me.
And then you dumped me so that you could have sex with that pregnant whore.
Hey! These are Kelly's words.
Not mine.
I don't sound like that.
It's a little more squeaky, like [high-pitched.]
Hey, everybody, I'm Kelly! No, it's more like [high-pitched.]
Hi, everybody, I'm Kelly! [high-pitched.]
Hi, everyone, I'm Kelly! It's your girl, Kelly! [all impersonating Kelly.]
[light music plays.]
[as Fran Drescher.]
Oh, my God.
These customers are so handsome.
How am I supposed to work checkout? I'm too busy checking them out.
Okay.
Thank you, Cheyenne.
Now we know what it would sound like if Fran Drescher worked at Cloud 9.
Ah.
That was so good.
[as Fran Drescher.]
Aww, thanks, doll.
I don't understand how this is helping.
I don't even know anymore.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Who is this? I'm Sandra, and I'm a dirty slut who goes around stealing other people's boyfriends.
Oh, yeah? Well, who is this? I'm Carol, I'm a jealous psycho stalker who can't take the fact that Jerry chose Sandra over me.
And now they're moving in together, and they're gonna be so happy.
And I'll be alone.
Which is sad.
Because maybe I was happy with Jerry.
But Sandra didn't care about my feelings.
She just took what she wanted.
Which people have always done to her.
Maybe I only seem crazy because I'm lonely.
Just a person who had love, and now it's gone.
Wow, Sandra.
That was good breakthrough.
Yeah, but that didn't solve anything.
It's not about solving.
It's about communication and empathy.
Screw empathy.
I want Jerry back.
What? No.
Finders keepers.
That is the law.
I think she should give him back.
How do we decide? We could let Jerry decide.
How about we flip a coin? Winner takes Jerry, agreed? - No, I don't think - I'm good with that.
You guys, this is crazy.
Let the coin do its work.
Guys, listen, I'm not agreeing to give Jerry up.
- Sandra, call it in the air.
- No, no, heads! Tails.
Carol, he's all yours.
Yes! [all gasping.]
No.
[as Fran Drescher.]
Uh-oh! [Laughs.]
[laughs.]
So good.
Hey, how's it going? Well, should I answer that as Jonah or Kelly? I don't do a really good Jonah.
How is your Kelly? [as Kelly.]
Hey, everybody, I'm Kelly.
[laughs.]
Um, you were right.
I-I was a bad boyfriend.
I'm sorry.
But I hope that's not the reason you're leaving.
It's I don't know.
It's just time for me to move on.
Try something new.
Like, um, like, what's it like to stock flatware at a different Cloud 9? I want to find out.
I can't even imagine.
It doesn't matter anyway.
I can't get Glenn to sign the transfer.
[as Glenn.]
Because we're a family, and I'm a man baby who won't let anyone leave! I can do impressions too.
- I can do impressions too.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, do you know Gail? - Uh, no? Ah, too bad.
I do a great Gail.
For each day of the week, each route has three variations one primary and two alternates based on shifts and road closures.
Now, if you're that week's ride captain, it's your responsibility to delegate and sub-delegate I'm sorry, I don't want to carpool.
Well, why wouldn't you My drive is my only "me" time.
And I don't want to clean my car.
I agree.
This just seems like I'd have to leave my house a lot earlier and get home a lot later.
I need my car here.
It's where I go to cry at lunch.
I don't know, Mateo I'm starting to think that whole meeting was a waste of time.
Cheyenne killed.
Hey, Glenn, uh, I've been thinking.
What if the problem wasn't actually a toxic workplace but a toxic worker? Elias is my brother-in-law.
Jerusha would kill me.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not no, I actually was thinking Kelly.
Kelly? She's negative, she's unpleasant.
She kicked a child.
- What? - Well, that's not I don't I don't know that to be true.
But I do think that Kelly is the problem.
I mean, think about it.
Before she worked here, did you think of this place as toxic? - No.
- And what about now? Oh, my God.
So it's just over? I'm sorry.
I tried as hard as I could.
Did you say best two out of three? No I wish I had thought of that.
I wish you had too.
I'll always love you.
That doesn't matter.
You're with Carol now.
Can we still be friends? Carol said no.
I don't appreciate you trashing me and laughing behind my back.
I never laugh at you, Jonah.
You never say anything funny.
Oh, hey, there's nobody else around.
We can stop.
Do you, uh, do you feel like seeing a movie tonight? No I don't feel like seeing a movie right now.
I just said there's nobody around.
We don't have to fight anymore.
Okay, well I can't just switch it off on a dime.
So are we still fighting? Yeah, kind of.
Just give me a minute.
It'll fade.
- Take all the time you need - Don't tell me what to do.
Well, good luck to you, Kelly.
Thank you, Glenn.
Bye! - Bye! - Bye, Kel! Good luck to the Fenton store.
They are going to need it.