The A-Team (1983) s04e03 Episode Script
Where is the Monster When You Need Him?
We are adventurous moviemakers who sing, dance and above all, entertain.
Action! That the best you can do? Gee, l thought it was going very well.
This is a real neat town you found, Faceyman.
There are about 10 governments who want him for war crimes.
They must all be eliminated.
l don't want to die! l want to go home! Please somebody shut this lunatic up.
Consider this.
Damn you, Murdock.
[screaming.]
(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing.]
(Jerry) l don't know, Johnny.
l think the scales should be slimy.
Also, l was thinking more of a purple color than green.
Purple? Uh-huh.
This whole thing makes me very nervous, you know.
l never produced a movie before.
Especially a movie, all my friend's money in it.
Maybe l should've stuck to being an agent.
Now, relax, Jer, we're gonna have fun with this one.
And, l'm going to play this one a little different.
Remember how the Aqua-maniac was kind of this reluctant killing machine sad but driven? Well, l'm going to give Gatorella a whole another fix.
You remember when Godzilla [phone ringing.]
he came out of the sea and he raised his head up and then he cocked it and he looked at all the people running around.
l mean, he was frightened and puzzled but still angry.
l want to try for that.
l mean, why is Sam Deacon, the game warden, shooting at me? And then, kind of mystified, l just take him out with one claw.
Sounds good.
A whole other fix.
Mmm-hmm.
l don't know, it's so hard to know what to say ''yes'' to.
Maurice, could you fix this tail so it fits a little better? Oh, it looks dynamite.
Yeah.
Johnny, it's all green.
l was thinking more of an iridescent purple.
Now, Jer, l've been playing sea monsters for 10 years and you got me every one of those jobs.
Well, Johnny, l know that-- Now what lives in the sea, has scales and is iridescent purple? Nothing.
Green is the operative color, Jer.
For sea creatures and especially gator mutations.
Trust me on this, Jer.
l guess green's the right color.
lridescent purple sounds good, Jer, but you'd hate it on film.
And besides, l can't play this mystified thing if l feel foolish.
And l'd feel foolish in iridescent purple.
When he comes out tell Cooper to let him get to the car before he cuts off that side of the street.
Colonel says he wants you to wait till he gets out and over to the car before you make your move.
Right.
He wants him in the car so he can't get back inside.
Over.
(Cooper) Roger.
Sure it's Smith? l've had this guy at costume rentals on my payroll for two months.
lt's Smith.
l'm sure of it.
He's in there trying out another monster suit.
[snarling.]
Well, that's the general look of it.
Of course, l haven't got it down yet but l think it's an interesting way to go.
Uh-huh, you're the expert on that, Johnny.
Well, you know, l may throw in just a touch of sexual envy when l see him with a girl but l'm not sure about that yet.
We'll see how it feels in Mexico.
Hey, we'd better get going.
Face will have everybody waiting at the airport for us.
You know, l like that friend of yours.
Face.
How did he get that name? That's long story, Jer, but.
The way he got it is with that punim of his.
lt seems that everybody believes whatever he says.
lt's a gift.
l mean he's an absolutely stupendous liar.
lt's my first real featured acting role.
l did a Love Boat in May but l was mostly just background.
Except for, l did say, ''Good morning, Mr.
Faskin'' to Donald O'Connor out by the pool.
Oh, Jenny, Jenny, say that again.
What? You mean the ''Good morning, Mr.
Faskin'' line? Yes, yes just the way you said it before.
Oh.
Good morning, Mr.
Faskin.
And then later in the show, l walk by again and l say ''Hi again.
'' ''Good morning, Mr.
Faskin.
'' Oh! l mean, the way you say it, it's so sunny.
l love the way you sort of turn it up at the end.
Thank you.
(Charles) Has anybody seen the dressing rooms or hotel accommodations down there? Yes, l have.
l made all the arrangements, Charlie.
You're gonna love it down there.
The people are so friendly.
What's the name of this burg again? Podunk what? Podetera De La Ria.
The hotel is magnificent.
And your room, Charles, oh! lt overlooks the Placidia, there's a little fountain down there and there's some beautiful casitas off by the river.
And the women, Charlie made by the hands of the gods.
Absolutely beautiful.
Will they be able to say, ''Hello, Mr.
Faskin'' and turn it up at the end like our lovely little Jenny over there? Charles, come on.
l was just being kind.
l mean, she's a little nervous.
l just don't understand why Jer couldn't have got a more experienced actress.
l mean, l can't act in a vacuum, sweet cheeks.
Now look, Charlie, let's-- Charles.
Never Chuck or Charlie.
Charles, why don't you give her a chance? She's real excited.
This is my last monster movie.
l swore after It Came From Nowhere l was finished with the slime genre.
[sighing.]
Charles, why don't you stop complaining? Jerry is a great guy.
This is his first shot at producing.
You know, he got you your first job acting.
ls this really the cast and crew airplane? A DC-3? Charles, why don't you.
Just don't worry about the plane, huh? Trust me.
All right? You've got enough hot air to lift off by yourself.
Our pilot, Murdock.
Something about him.
l don't know, l don't know.
What's the word l'm looking for? Nuts? Yeah.
That's it, nuts.
[grunts.]
You sure we should let him do stunt work? Don't worry.
l'll oversee everything.
Jer from here on, we're going to have a ball.
[tires squealing.]
What's that? l don't know.
Come on, we're going to be late to the airport.
You went too soon.
You went too soon.
Cut him off.
Cut him off.
You don't mind if l drive, do you, Jer? No, no.
Go ahead, John.
What's going on here? l'm sorry, Jer.
Hang on.
l'll explain later.
Murdock, how does she look? This is what we call, in pilot land, ''a coffin with wings.
'' And it's a good thing that the big, angry guy hasn't laid eyes on it or you'd be looking for a soft place to sit.
You know what l mean? Yeah, l know what you mean.
Hey.
Who's that giant with the Mohawk that's passed out in the cabin? Oh, him.
Don't worry about him.
He's just there for ballast.
[guns firing.]
What the hell is that? [tires squealing.]
(Face) Well, it doesn't look like the Screen Actors' Guild out to wish you luck.
Well, l guess l better blow the bird nests out of the carburetor in preparation for takeoff.
Good idea.
l'll get everybody on board.
Charles, shall we? Everybody.
Here we go.
Bon voyage.
Come on, you sucker, start! Flaps set to take off.
Trim set.
Magneto, carburetor keyed.
[guns firing.]
Welcome to Artesian Films [Murdock yelling.]
and Flight 30 to Podetera De La Ria.
Please fasten your seat belts and observe the ''No Smoking'' sign while Captain H.
M.
Murdock prepares us for takeoff.
Pilot's Prayer.
Oh, God, your sky is so big.
My plane is so crummy.
Please, don't let me eat it.
(Murdock) Faceman, the wheels won't go up.
l never went through anything like this before in my life.
(Murdock) Faceman, where'd you get this bird? (Face) Unified Relief.
lt was flying discards in from Temecula.
We're deadheading it back for them.
Their pilot refused to fly it 'cause it stalled on him three times or something.
l love it.
[alarm buzzing.]
Don't you need to keep the engines running so you can taxi? Yes.
That is my usual procedure, Faceman.
However, we are out of petrol.
There's Manuel Escobar.
What a guy, meeting us at the airport.
Yeah, he's the local chief of police.
Said he was gonna come out and help us carry our equipment.
Yeah, it's gonna be the real red carpet treatment.
[snoring.]
Do you mind? Hey, sucker, you better watch who you're pushing.
Hey, l'm the star of this movie.
You better work on a more civil tongue, mister.
This is a plane.
That barely describes it.
Now, do you mind getting over in your own seat? l'm on a plane! l'm on a plane! Get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
B.
A.
Now, no, now, B.
A.
-- l told you, man! l told you-- No, no, no, wait! [Face screaming.]
You tricked me, man.
You know l don't fly, man.
Why don't you open your mouth, Faceman? What's wrong with you? Well, l.
Ah, Manuel, cómo estas? Senor Face, you must turn the plane around.
You must leave immediately.
ls this the guy who was gonna help us with our luggage? Manuel, amigo mio.
Por favor! You are making a less than favorable impression with my compadres.
Making a terrible impression, Face.
What's the problem, Templeton? Oh, it's no problem, Jerry.
Nothing we can't work out.
You must turn the plane around now or l will be forced to take you all prisoners.
My amigo.
Look, only a week ago l was down here you said to me, ''Hombre de cara.
'' That's ''Faceman'' in Spanish.
You said, ''Mi casa es su casa.
'' That's, ''My house is your house.
'' Whatever happened to ''Come over to my house and be a guest for dinner''? Whatever happened to all that ''amigo mio'' stuff? Does this guy have a daughter, Face? Yes.
A very pretty one but l never once, never did l even think about it because this is one muchacho that never mixes business with pleasure.
Well, maybe once or twice, but not this time.
Really.
Pal, maybe you can tell us why you're doing this.
l mean, we went to a lot of trouble to get down here.
Things change, senor.
l am sorry, but you must leave now.
We're out of gas.
l do not believe you.
There's not enough fuel in there to start a barbecue, pal.
You must not come into town.
You are not welcome here! You will have to figure out how you will get out.
l will go into town and be back in an hour with fuel.
You will not leave this runway.
Vamonos! Oh, Jerry.
Jerry, l don't understand.
l mean, l was so careful.
We shook hands.
l mean, we toasted each other, we sang Frijolito Salzon together.
lt's a song about a little jumping bean.
We hugged one another.
lt was all set.
All right, everybody grab something.
We're not gonna stand around here.
We got a movie to make.
No dressing room, no hotel room.
Now, look, Charles, when you're shooting on distant locales like this sometimes, temporarily, you get snafued.
But, things will work out.
Believe me.
Charles, l only have enough money for three and a half days down here.
l'll have to pay the crew by the day.
Crew? You call this a crew? l've seen more people on a UCLA film project.
We've got 30 people here.
On It Came Out of Nowhere, we had 100 guys on the crew.
On Lizard in the Lake, we had 1 25 not counting the lizard people we picked up in Bolivia.
Charles, remember.
Your name is gonna be above the title.
l'm trying, sweetness, but l'm not gonna sleep out here and be eaten by those [birds chirping.]
Everybody is really angry at you and l don't think it's fair.
l mean, you had it all set up.
They broke their promises.
l know, Jenny.
l just don't understand it.
l lie, l cheat, l steal and l just don't get any respect.
lt was a joke.
[laughing.]
Just a little a joke.
Oh.
You know, l'm worried about Charles.
Ah.
l asked him to run lines with me for tomorrow's scene and he wouldn't do it.
He said he's leaving.
He's going to walk out to that road we flew over and hitchhike home.
No, l don't think that's such a good idea.
Break a leg, and all the other show business hooey.
(Face) Oh, Charles, you're such a trooper.
l know a losing proposition when l see it.
Nobody can make me stay here and do this.
Come on, Charles.
Hang in with us.
[sighs.]
There goes Charlie, the StarKist tuna.
l was getting tired of him, anyway.
Oh, my God.
Now we don't have a leading man.
What are we going to do? Hey, why doesn't Face take his part? He's better looking and anyway, you know l think he and l have a sort of simpatico.
(Jerry) No, no, no.
We're through.
My distribution agreement says that Charles Lake has got to be the star for me to get my completion money.
Jer, have you got a copy of that agreement on you? Yeah.
Could l see it? Here.
Ah, yes.
Excuse me a moment while l step into my office.
Hold my calls.
Jer, that.
That is too bad because, you know l think Face could do it.
'Cause after all, the real star of the film is Gatorella.
l don't know what to do now, Johnny.
Tomorrow we roll film.
l'll play the Sam Deacon part.
No, l'll lose my bond.
l won't get my financing.
No, no, no, no, Jer.
lt says here that Lake, Charles T, has to perform the part.
Yes.
Yes.
He just left.
No, no, no, Jerry.
Charles Lake left.
Lake Charles is standing here looking at you.
What are you talking about? Nobody's gonna buy that.
Sure they are, Jer.
Don't worry.
As soon as we get back into town, l'll go into the Screen Actors' Guild.
l'll register as Lake Charles.
There's nothing they can do about it.
Jer, trust him, he's made a career out of bending the rules.
Well, looks like we're back in the film business.
Now someone just has to say, ''Action.
'' Action.
[shrieking.]
[gun firing.]
(Dunnigan) Hey, you in the bloody fish suit.
Come on out.
And take that beak off.
You guys are not from the film commission.
Am l right? (Dunnigan) You're right about that, mate.
And yesterday you were asked to leave.
Now l'm telling you.
There's a little town about 40 miles south of here, called Cesbasco.
You can shoot your picture there and you're out of here in an hour.
Anybody who ain't gets a 9mm hollow point in the back of the head.
Hey, man, l don't like guns being pointed at me.
Well, then, you can get out of town.
Why don't we just pack up our things and leave? lt's a wise choice.
And we're back here in an hour.
lf you're still here we'll bury you.
l'm sorry, Face.
Why? Well, to be honest when you said you didn't take a shot at the sheriff's daughter, l didn't believe you.
l thought when we got the bum's rush, it was because you had.
Hannibal, l would never-- Forget it.
Forget it.
We gotta stop making this movie and find out who those commandos are in the jeep.
Maybe we should just do what he says and leave.
Hey, man, l don't like to be runned off.
Me, neither.
We only have prop weapons here.
l mean, we're a movie company.
None of us knows anything about taking on guerrillas like that.
But, maybe we could get lucky.
Okay, guys.
B.
A.
, take a look at the prop weapons.
Murdock, get in the special effects and get out the squibs.
Right-a-rooney.
l'll get out of this suit and Face and l will go into town and find out what's going on.
How can we beat these guys with prop weapons and special effects? Jerry, you never know how clever or stupid the enemy is, until you test him.
Hey, be careful, okay? Careful is my name.
Lake Charles is your name.
[rooster crowing.]
The town looks empty except for those Anglos by the cantina.
Something's wrong around here.
(Hannibal) At least your friend Manuel has been released.
l wanna follow him.
Scare me up a car, Face.
''Scare me up a car, Face.
'' What do l do, hit the Hertz agency here? Get you a Cordoba convertible? Somebody must have a truck around here.
Now, think.
You must've seen one.
Come on.
(Hannibal) Oh, terrific, Face.
Oh, no! You know him? Major De Jero.
The most brutal torturer in Argentina.
There are about 10 governments who want him for war crimes.
Well, what do you think he's doing down here? Well, whatever it is, we're not gonna like it.
[birds chirping.]
Oh, Sam, l keep trying.
But Daddy won't say anything.
He just lies there in that hospital bed and then wakes up in the middle of the night screaming.
Theresa, you've done everything you can.
Everything reasonable.
(Hannibal) Cut.
Face.
lt's ''Everything within reason,'' not ''Everything reasonable.
'' Hannibal, l can't work this way.
l mean.
And you're not even a director.
Jerry's directing.
Well, wait a minute.
l never directed before.
Hannibal said he'd help me out the first couple of days.
Oh! Well, l can't work this way.
l just.
l can't work for six directors.
l'm an actor.
An actor interprets lines.
l can't be a slave to the script.
l have to have room to interpret the lines.
Gee, l thought it was going very well.
There, you see? (Hannibal) Well, it was going terrible.
Face, you were giving new dimension to the word ''stiff.
'' Now, take it from where she says ''Wakes up in the middle of the night.
'' Yeah, okay, it.
it wasn't stiff, Hannibal.
l was just playing a sort of emotional rigidity.
That's.
lt was intentional.
l'm trying to make Sam inflexible, that's all.
Well, you're coming off like a giant redwood.
So loosen up.
Okay? Yeah, yeah, just be looser.
Looser.
Hannibal, when you gonna stop all this yak-yak-yak and get to yours truly? Tommy Danger, stuntman to the stars? Right after lunch, Tom.
Double darn it.
Okay, roll 'em.
Do l say ''Action'' now? Now.
Action! [guns firing.]
You guys are getting that machine gun entrance down pretty good.
You obviously don't hear too good.
Oh, l hear fine.
lt's just that we filmmakers live by our own code.
There's tradition at stake.
You may have heard of some of our more arcane sayings such as ''always leave them laughing,'' and ''the show must go on.
'' We believe in those expressions, we live by them.
So, we've decided to ignore your less-than-courteous order to leave.
What are you? A total fruitcake? You're 300 miles out in the brush.
l could kill you and nobody would even ask any questions.
What if l decided to kill you instead? [all laughing.]
Well, you certainly got gall.
Well, how are you gonna kill me? Throw a megaphone at me? Well, obviously l have something in mind.
l mean, the way l see it, you have two choices.
Either apologize to my friends and put your cute little and pull out of here or try me out, in which case we'll have to bury you with your boots on.
Probably right about where your foot is.
That's quite a good trick considering l'm the one who's holding the gun.
Allow me to familiarize you with certain military logistics.
You see, you have no position here.
You're on low ground.
B.
A.
[gun firing.]
And you're flanked on both sides.
Murdock! Face.
You see you elected to station your men out in the open without any cover.
l could kill you.
Yeah.
But you'd be dead before l hit the ground, so put it up.
Murdock, incinerate this bag of spit on the count of three.
One, two.
(B.
A.
) Drop 'em.
Now, you wanna see something that'll break your heart? Look down the barrel.
Somebody filled it with lead.
Yeah.
Props.
Okay, Jer, hit the rest of the plungers.
And then there is perhaps the most arcane expression of them all.
''There is no business like show business.
'' [B.
A.
chuckling.]
[birds chirping.]
Open the gate.
Matey's back.
Hey, that's not our truck.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey! Come back here.
Hey! Put it down or l hit the gas.
Tell your men to drop their weapons.
Drop your weapons! lt's an order.
Do it now! l don't know who you are-- l know.
l know.
But l know who you are.
You're Major Ramon De Jero.
You've terrorized hundreds of people, tortured them unmercifully.
l can pay you.
l'm sure you can, but we're not in that market.
Captain, take a look at this guy's basement.
See if he's been pulling off anybody's fingernails down there.
All right, come on, Face.
Bring your nail file.
l just came in here to use the phone, call a taxi.
They threw me in this basement.
They probably didn't realize they was dealing with a star, sweet cheeks.
See what happens when you don't live up to your contractual obligations? The movie gods gets you.
What have you done? Why have you brought all these men here? This guy in the white suit is a war criminal.
You lock him up.
l'll get the federales down here.
They'll take him away in a rabies bag.
What's wrong? Perhaps you should tell him, jefe.
He has all our wives and children.
They're being held in a place out of town and if l am locked up, they will be killed.
You see, l'm a man who enjoys good insurance.
Which is why l have lived so long and so well.
What makes you think l won't be able to find them and rescue them? You won't get the opportunity, senor.
Well, who's gonna stop me? Not you.
Oh, no, no, not me, but perhaps you should look around you, senor.
[guns cocking.]
Not bad.
Drop your weapons.
This is a real neat town you found, Faceyman.
l know.
[crickets chirping.]
This is awful.
l knew l shouldn't have gotten into movie-making.
l should have just stuck to being an agent.
Maybe if we tell him we'll do anything he wants, promise not to tell on him.
Maybe, then he'll let us go.
l mean, he seems like a reasonable man.
lf we beg him, maybe.
Jenny.
She can go to him, convince him.
Charles! Don't you think you're working this heroic leading man thing too much? (Hannibal) What we need is a good plan.
l'm open to suggestions.
Well.
Suggestions are one of my long suits.
Yup.
So, l suggest that we convince this tyrant that we have secret weapons in our possession and that we could atomize him at any moment.
Please, somebody shut this lunatic up.
l've been trying to shut this lunatic up for 15 years.
Ain't no way of shutting him up.
But l'd rather listen to him jibber-jabber, than to you whine.
Well, there's got to be a way.
Then let's go, Murdock, what's the idea? Well, most of you know me first of all, as H.
M.
Murdock.
But in my movie career, l'm known far and wide by my stuntman's name.
Look, Murdock, l don't wanna hear no stuff about no Tommy Danger.
Well, then, you better stuff some of that gold in your ear, big guy because l'm on a roll.
My stuntman persona is Tommy Danger.
l'm known best of all for my high falls, and my helicopter stunts.
But foremost, especially and most spectacularly for my death scenes.
Tommy Danger is known far and wide for his ability to eat lead, boys and girls.
Yes, sir, you heard me.
He can take a bullet better than any man alive.
Now, l suggest that Hannibal shoot me and then turn his attention to Jerry the German out there and scare him into surrendering and l also suggest that he use this ordinary pen which l will turn into a deadly Observe.
[mimicking gunshot.]
[groaning.]
Ringo Ringo, please, please don't let me die with my boots on.
l like it.
Now, all we need is a squib.
Beautiful.
What's this all about, Johnny? We just came up with an escape plan.
We must move quickly.
lt's become very sloppy.
Tell Marco Cortez to clear out our accounts in Argentina and bring the money here immediately.
We will fly to Switzerland and then go on to the island.
l don't want to argue about it.
Do as l say! This was supposed to be a quiet place to rest, to collect my money before disappearing.
And l've Hollywood filmmakers who disarm my security forces.
They may have called for help.
Who knows what they may have done? We have little time.
They got lucky.
Anybody can get lucky.
Who counts on luck to decide anything? Tomorrow morning, at dawn you will take these men to the ranch where the women are being held.
Kill them all.
And then go on to the town and kill the men there.
Set a fire.
Nobody must be left to tell of my existence.
There's no reason to kill 30 people.
lt'll bring the police, it'll cause an international incident.
lf they know that l was here they will find a way to trace me to the island.
Somebody will remember the tail number of the helicopter that brought me here, or will remember that l made several calls to Geneva.
Or, your description.
You were seen on the island.
A composite drawing perhaps, that will be circulated.
Bits, pieces, little facts, remembered moments they must all be eliminated.
And if that is not reason enough consider this.
Okay, mate, you made your point.
l knew you were here, De Jero.
l could smell you.
That the best you can do? You will be taken to a field where a large hole has been dug.
You will be shot and buried.
No one, not even the buzzards, will know you are there.
Not a very graceful conclusion to an exciting life, do you think? Put them in the truck.
B.
A.
, l can't pull this off with my hands tied.
[grunting.]
l think l dislocated my shoulder.
This stuff must be Get ready.
[groans.]
Okay, you guys know what to do.
l need talk to somebody.
l got things to tell.
They got weapons.
Shut up, Murdock.
Don't you tell me to shut up.
You shut up yourself.
Who are you? You brought me down here for your own advantage.
Well, l don't wanna die.
l want to go home.
He's got a gun and he's gonna kill you! Who's got a gun? He does! Damn you, Murdock! (Hannibal) Drop your weapon.
No, don't fire.
lt's a trick, get the women! You're coming with me for protection, pal.
Please! No! Stop! Please! Don't! Stop, stop.
How'd l do, Colonel? How'd l do? Oh, it was a great death scene, Murdock.
One of the best.
Now, this was an E-ticket ride.
You didn't get your coupon.
But, who cares when you're having fun? (Decker) l know this guy's one weakness is playing these geek monsters.
He's gonna show.
l'm going in.
Captain, you're with me.
Nobody moves off this position until l give them the word.
We're on Channel 15.
Cooper, you moved early last time.
You make a move on him this time without my authorization and you're gonna be peeling spuds in the officers' mess for the next two years.
Right, sir.
Move out, Captain.
Military police.
l want to talk to your manager.
Yeah.
Sure.
Mr.
Deever.
Deever.
He's the owner.
What do you want, honey? These men are military police.
They want to talk to you.
What is it, sonny? Oh.
They're in the army.
Used to be in the army myself.
Yeah, in the big one.
World War l.
That's nice.
Look.
There might be some fugitives in this theatre.
Huh? There might be some fugitives in this theatre.
Oh, fugitives.
The Captain and l want to go in and check out your house.
You have to be on the run to want to see this turkey.
Come on, l'll show you the way.
Can l give you a hand? No.
Maybe up the steps, here.
l got a piece of shrapnel.
Some of Jerry's shrapnel.
At the Argonne forest.
Well, let me give you a little help.
Thank you very much.
[groaning.]
There we go.
We got at them with our .
50's.
Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom! You got them.
Yeah.
We let them have it with the gas.
[hissing.]
Look, can we move along? l got a job to do.
Yes, sir, doing my best here.
How is that? That's great.
That fast? Yes, sir, General.
You bet, here we go.
Yeah.
Over the top.
Over there.
World War l? Over there.
You bet.
Yeah, trenches.
Yes, sir.
Over there.
Oh, yeah.
l'm going to get over there in a minute, sonny.
This here steel door is to an observation room.
You can look right down into the theatre.
That way you can spot your man without disturbing the audience.
Oh, drat.
Here, here, here.
Hold this, let me do it.
Give me.
Give me.
All right.
You got it? Nothing to it.
Nothing to it, General.
Thank you.
You dummy! This is the wrong room.
You got the wrong room, Decker.
[locking.]
Excuse me, young man.
Thank you.
Hello, honey.
Fellow told me to tell you that Colonel Decker is locked in a concrete room and not to worry.
[exclaiming.]
Roll it, Jer.
Marvin, roll it.
(Jerry) l don't know, Johnny.
l still think iridescent purple would have looked good.
(Hannibal) Trust me, Jer, l know sea monsters.
After all, show business is my life.
[roaring.]
Action! That the best you can do? Gee, l thought it was going very well.
This is a real neat town you found, Faceyman.
There are about 10 governments who want him for war crimes.
They must all be eliminated.
l don't want to die! l want to go home! Please somebody shut this lunatic up.
Consider this.
Damn you, Murdock.
[screaming.]
(male narrator) In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit.
These men promptly escaped from a maximum-security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.
Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them maybe you can hire the A-Team.
[gun firing.]
(Jerry) l don't know, Johnny.
l think the scales should be slimy.
Also, l was thinking more of a purple color than green.
Purple? Uh-huh.
This whole thing makes me very nervous, you know.
l never produced a movie before.
Especially a movie, all my friend's money in it.
Maybe l should've stuck to being an agent.
Now, relax, Jer, we're gonna have fun with this one.
And, l'm going to play this one a little different.
Remember how the Aqua-maniac was kind of this reluctant killing machine sad but driven? Well, l'm going to give Gatorella a whole another fix.
You remember when Godzilla [phone ringing.]
he came out of the sea and he raised his head up and then he cocked it and he looked at all the people running around.
l mean, he was frightened and puzzled but still angry.
l want to try for that.
l mean, why is Sam Deacon, the game warden, shooting at me? And then, kind of mystified, l just take him out with one claw.
Sounds good.
A whole other fix.
Mmm-hmm.
l don't know, it's so hard to know what to say ''yes'' to.
Maurice, could you fix this tail so it fits a little better? Oh, it looks dynamite.
Yeah.
Johnny, it's all green.
l was thinking more of an iridescent purple.
Now, Jer, l've been playing sea monsters for 10 years and you got me every one of those jobs.
Well, Johnny, l know that-- Now what lives in the sea, has scales and is iridescent purple? Nothing.
Green is the operative color, Jer.
For sea creatures and especially gator mutations.
Trust me on this, Jer.
l guess green's the right color.
lridescent purple sounds good, Jer, but you'd hate it on film.
And besides, l can't play this mystified thing if l feel foolish.
And l'd feel foolish in iridescent purple.
When he comes out tell Cooper to let him get to the car before he cuts off that side of the street.
Colonel says he wants you to wait till he gets out and over to the car before you make your move.
Right.
He wants him in the car so he can't get back inside.
Over.
(Cooper) Roger.
Sure it's Smith? l've had this guy at costume rentals on my payroll for two months.
lt's Smith.
l'm sure of it.
He's in there trying out another monster suit.
[snarling.]
Well, that's the general look of it.
Of course, l haven't got it down yet but l think it's an interesting way to go.
Uh-huh, you're the expert on that, Johnny.
Well, you know, l may throw in just a touch of sexual envy when l see him with a girl but l'm not sure about that yet.
We'll see how it feels in Mexico.
Hey, we'd better get going.
Face will have everybody waiting at the airport for us.
You know, l like that friend of yours.
Face.
How did he get that name? That's long story, Jer, but.
The way he got it is with that punim of his.
lt seems that everybody believes whatever he says.
lt's a gift.
l mean he's an absolutely stupendous liar.
lt's my first real featured acting role.
l did a Love Boat in May but l was mostly just background.
Except for, l did say, ''Good morning, Mr.
Faskin'' to Donald O'Connor out by the pool.
Oh, Jenny, Jenny, say that again.
What? You mean the ''Good morning, Mr.
Faskin'' line? Yes, yes just the way you said it before.
Oh.
Good morning, Mr.
Faskin.
And then later in the show, l walk by again and l say ''Hi again.
'' ''Good morning, Mr.
Faskin.
'' Oh! l mean, the way you say it, it's so sunny.
l love the way you sort of turn it up at the end.
Thank you.
(Charles) Has anybody seen the dressing rooms or hotel accommodations down there? Yes, l have.
l made all the arrangements, Charlie.
You're gonna love it down there.
The people are so friendly.
What's the name of this burg again? Podunk what? Podetera De La Ria.
The hotel is magnificent.
And your room, Charles, oh! lt overlooks the Placidia, there's a little fountain down there and there's some beautiful casitas off by the river.
And the women, Charlie made by the hands of the gods.
Absolutely beautiful.
Will they be able to say, ''Hello, Mr.
Faskin'' and turn it up at the end like our lovely little Jenny over there? Charles, come on.
l was just being kind.
l mean, she's a little nervous.
l just don't understand why Jer couldn't have got a more experienced actress.
l mean, l can't act in a vacuum, sweet cheeks.
Now look, Charlie, let's-- Charles.
Never Chuck or Charlie.
Charles, why don't you give her a chance? She's real excited.
This is my last monster movie.
l swore after It Came From Nowhere l was finished with the slime genre.
[sighing.]
Charles, why don't you stop complaining? Jerry is a great guy.
This is his first shot at producing.
You know, he got you your first job acting.
ls this really the cast and crew airplane? A DC-3? Charles, why don't you.
Just don't worry about the plane, huh? Trust me.
All right? You've got enough hot air to lift off by yourself.
Our pilot, Murdock.
Something about him.
l don't know, l don't know.
What's the word l'm looking for? Nuts? Yeah.
That's it, nuts.
[grunts.]
You sure we should let him do stunt work? Don't worry.
l'll oversee everything.
Jer from here on, we're going to have a ball.
[tires squealing.]
What's that? l don't know.
Come on, we're going to be late to the airport.
You went too soon.
You went too soon.
Cut him off.
Cut him off.
You don't mind if l drive, do you, Jer? No, no.
Go ahead, John.
What's going on here? l'm sorry, Jer.
Hang on.
l'll explain later.
Murdock, how does she look? This is what we call, in pilot land, ''a coffin with wings.
'' And it's a good thing that the big, angry guy hasn't laid eyes on it or you'd be looking for a soft place to sit.
You know what l mean? Yeah, l know what you mean.
Hey.
Who's that giant with the Mohawk that's passed out in the cabin? Oh, him.
Don't worry about him.
He's just there for ballast.
[guns firing.]
What the hell is that? [tires squealing.]
(Face) Well, it doesn't look like the Screen Actors' Guild out to wish you luck.
Well, l guess l better blow the bird nests out of the carburetor in preparation for takeoff.
Good idea.
l'll get everybody on board.
Charles, shall we? Everybody.
Here we go.
Bon voyage.
Come on, you sucker, start! Flaps set to take off.
Trim set.
Magneto, carburetor keyed.
[guns firing.]
Welcome to Artesian Films [Murdock yelling.]
and Flight 30 to Podetera De La Ria.
Please fasten your seat belts and observe the ''No Smoking'' sign while Captain H.
M.
Murdock prepares us for takeoff.
Pilot's Prayer.
Oh, God, your sky is so big.
My plane is so crummy.
Please, don't let me eat it.
(Murdock) Faceman, the wheels won't go up.
l never went through anything like this before in my life.
(Murdock) Faceman, where'd you get this bird? (Face) Unified Relief.
lt was flying discards in from Temecula.
We're deadheading it back for them.
Their pilot refused to fly it 'cause it stalled on him three times or something.
l love it.
[alarm buzzing.]
Don't you need to keep the engines running so you can taxi? Yes.
That is my usual procedure, Faceman.
However, we are out of petrol.
There's Manuel Escobar.
What a guy, meeting us at the airport.
Yeah, he's the local chief of police.
Said he was gonna come out and help us carry our equipment.
Yeah, it's gonna be the real red carpet treatment.
[snoring.]
Do you mind? Hey, sucker, you better watch who you're pushing.
Hey, l'm the star of this movie.
You better work on a more civil tongue, mister.
This is a plane.
That barely describes it.
Now, do you mind getting over in your own seat? l'm on a plane! l'm on a plane! Get me out of here.
Get me out of here.
B.
A.
Now, no, now, B.
A.
-- l told you, man! l told you-- No, no, no, wait! [Face screaming.]
You tricked me, man.
You know l don't fly, man.
Why don't you open your mouth, Faceman? What's wrong with you? Well, l.
Ah, Manuel, cómo estas? Senor Face, you must turn the plane around.
You must leave immediately.
ls this the guy who was gonna help us with our luggage? Manuel, amigo mio.
Por favor! You are making a less than favorable impression with my compadres.
Making a terrible impression, Face.
What's the problem, Templeton? Oh, it's no problem, Jerry.
Nothing we can't work out.
You must turn the plane around now or l will be forced to take you all prisoners.
My amigo.
Look, only a week ago l was down here you said to me, ''Hombre de cara.
'' That's ''Faceman'' in Spanish.
You said, ''Mi casa es su casa.
'' That's, ''My house is your house.
'' Whatever happened to ''Come over to my house and be a guest for dinner''? Whatever happened to all that ''amigo mio'' stuff? Does this guy have a daughter, Face? Yes.
A very pretty one but l never once, never did l even think about it because this is one muchacho that never mixes business with pleasure.
Well, maybe once or twice, but not this time.
Really.
Pal, maybe you can tell us why you're doing this.
l mean, we went to a lot of trouble to get down here.
Things change, senor.
l am sorry, but you must leave now.
We're out of gas.
l do not believe you.
There's not enough fuel in there to start a barbecue, pal.
You must not come into town.
You are not welcome here! You will have to figure out how you will get out.
l will go into town and be back in an hour with fuel.
You will not leave this runway.
Vamonos! Oh, Jerry.
Jerry, l don't understand.
l mean, l was so careful.
We shook hands.
l mean, we toasted each other, we sang Frijolito Salzon together.
lt's a song about a little jumping bean.
We hugged one another.
lt was all set.
All right, everybody grab something.
We're not gonna stand around here.
We got a movie to make.
No dressing room, no hotel room.
Now, look, Charles, when you're shooting on distant locales like this sometimes, temporarily, you get snafued.
But, things will work out.
Believe me.
Charles, l only have enough money for three and a half days down here.
l'll have to pay the crew by the day.
Crew? You call this a crew? l've seen more people on a UCLA film project.
We've got 30 people here.
On It Came Out of Nowhere, we had 100 guys on the crew.
On Lizard in the Lake, we had 1 25 not counting the lizard people we picked up in Bolivia.
Charles, remember.
Your name is gonna be above the title.
l'm trying, sweetness, but l'm not gonna sleep out here and be eaten by those [birds chirping.]
Everybody is really angry at you and l don't think it's fair.
l mean, you had it all set up.
They broke their promises.
l know, Jenny.
l just don't understand it.
l lie, l cheat, l steal and l just don't get any respect.
lt was a joke.
[laughing.]
Just a little a joke.
Oh.
You know, l'm worried about Charles.
Ah.
l asked him to run lines with me for tomorrow's scene and he wouldn't do it.
He said he's leaving.
He's going to walk out to that road we flew over and hitchhike home.
No, l don't think that's such a good idea.
Break a leg, and all the other show business hooey.
(Face) Oh, Charles, you're such a trooper.
l know a losing proposition when l see it.
Nobody can make me stay here and do this.
Come on, Charles.
Hang in with us.
[sighs.]
There goes Charlie, the StarKist tuna.
l was getting tired of him, anyway.
Oh, my God.
Now we don't have a leading man.
What are we going to do? Hey, why doesn't Face take his part? He's better looking and anyway, you know l think he and l have a sort of simpatico.
(Jerry) No, no, no.
We're through.
My distribution agreement says that Charles Lake has got to be the star for me to get my completion money.
Jer, have you got a copy of that agreement on you? Yeah.
Could l see it? Here.
Ah, yes.
Excuse me a moment while l step into my office.
Hold my calls.
Jer, that.
That is too bad because, you know l think Face could do it.
'Cause after all, the real star of the film is Gatorella.
l don't know what to do now, Johnny.
Tomorrow we roll film.
l'll play the Sam Deacon part.
No, l'll lose my bond.
l won't get my financing.
No, no, no, no, Jer.
lt says here that Lake, Charles T, has to perform the part.
Yes.
Yes.
He just left.
No, no, no, Jerry.
Charles Lake left.
Lake Charles is standing here looking at you.
What are you talking about? Nobody's gonna buy that.
Sure they are, Jer.
Don't worry.
As soon as we get back into town, l'll go into the Screen Actors' Guild.
l'll register as Lake Charles.
There's nothing they can do about it.
Jer, trust him, he's made a career out of bending the rules.
Well, looks like we're back in the film business.
Now someone just has to say, ''Action.
'' Action.
[shrieking.]
[gun firing.]
(Dunnigan) Hey, you in the bloody fish suit.
Come on out.
And take that beak off.
You guys are not from the film commission.
Am l right? (Dunnigan) You're right about that, mate.
And yesterday you were asked to leave.
Now l'm telling you.
There's a little town about 40 miles south of here, called Cesbasco.
You can shoot your picture there and you're out of here in an hour.
Anybody who ain't gets a 9mm hollow point in the back of the head.
Hey, man, l don't like guns being pointed at me.
Well, then, you can get out of town.
Why don't we just pack up our things and leave? lt's a wise choice.
And we're back here in an hour.
lf you're still here we'll bury you.
l'm sorry, Face.
Why? Well, to be honest when you said you didn't take a shot at the sheriff's daughter, l didn't believe you.
l thought when we got the bum's rush, it was because you had.
Hannibal, l would never-- Forget it.
Forget it.
We gotta stop making this movie and find out who those commandos are in the jeep.
Maybe we should just do what he says and leave.
Hey, man, l don't like to be runned off.
Me, neither.
We only have prop weapons here.
l mean, we're a movie company.
None of us knows anything about taking on guerrillas like that.
But, maybe we could get lucky.
Okay, guys.
B.
A.
, take a look at the prop weapons.
Murdock, get in the special effects and get out the squibs.
Right-a-rooney.
l'll get out of this suit and Face and l will go into town and find out what's going on.
How can we beat these guys with prop weapons and special effects? Jerry, you never know how clever or stupid the enemy is, until you test him.
Hey, be careful, okay? Careful is my name.
Lake Charles is your name.
[rooster crowing.]
The town looks empty except for those Anglos by the cantina.
Something's wrong around here.
(Hannibal) At least your friend Manuel has been released.
l wanna follow him.
Scare me up a car, Face.
''Scare me up a car, Face.
'' What do l do, hit the Hertz agency here? Get you a Cordoba convertible? Somebody must have a truck around here.
Now, think.
You must've seen one.
Come on.
(Hannibal) Oh, terrific, Face.
Oh, no! You know him? Major De Jero.
The most brutal torturer in Argentina.
There are about 10 governments who want him for war crimes.
Well, what do you think he's doing down here? Well, whatever it is, we're not gonna like it.
[birds chirping.]
Oh, Sam, l keep trying.
But Daddy won't say anything.
He just lies there in that hospital bed and then wakes up in the middle of the night screaming.
Theresa, you've done everything you can.
Everything reasonable.
(Hannibal) Cut.
Face.
lt's ''Everything within reason,'' not ''Everything reasonable.
'' Hannibal, l can't work this way.
l mean.
And you're not even a director.
Jerry's directing.
Well, wait a minute.
l never directed before.
Hannibal said he'd help me out the first couple of days.
Oh! Well, l can't work this way.
l just.
l can't work for six directors.
l'm an actor.
An actor interprets lines.
l can't be a slave to the script.
l have to have room to interpret the lines.
Gee, l thought it was going very well.
There, you see? (Hannibal) Well, it was going terrible.
Face, you were giving new dimension to the word ''stiff.
'' Now, take it from where she says ''Wakes up in the middle of the night.
'' Yeah, okay, it.
it wasn't stiff, Hannibal.
l was just playing a sort of emotional rigidity.
That's.
lt was intentional.
l'm trying to make Sam inflexible, that's all.
Well, you're coming off like a giant redwood.
So loosen up.
Okay? Yeah, yeah, just be looser.
Looser.
Hannibal, when you gonna stop all this yak-yak-yak and get to yours truly? Tommy Danger, stuntman to the stars? Right after lunch, Tom.
Double darn it.
Okay, roll 'em.
Do l say ''Action'' now? Now.
Action! [guns firing.]
You guys are getting that machine gun entrance down pretty good.
You obviously don't hear too good.
Oh, l hear fine.
lt's just that we filmmakers live by our own code.
There's tradition at stake.
You may have heard of some of our more arcane sayings such as ''always leave them laughing,'' and ''the show must go on.
'' We believe in those expressions, we live by them.
So, we've decided to ignore your less-than-courteous order to leave.
What are you? A total fruitcake? You're 300 miles out in the brush.
l could kill you and nobody would even ask any questions.
What if l decided to kill you instead? [all laughing.]
Well, you certainly got gall.
Well, how are you gonna kill me? Throw a megaphone at me? Well, obviously l have something in mind.
l mean, the way l see it, you have two choices.
Either apologize to my friends and put your cute little and pull out of here or try me out, in which case we'll have to bury you with your boots on.
Probably right about where your foot is.
That's quite a good trick considering l'm the one who's holding the gun.
Allow me to familiarize you with certain military logistics.
You see, you have no position here.
You're on low ground.
B.
A.
[gun firing.]
And you're flanked on both sides.
Murdock! Face.
You see you elected to station your men out in the open without any cover.
l could kill you.
Yeah.
But you'd be dead before l hit the ground, so put it up.
Murdock, incinerate this bag of spit on the count of three.
One, two.
(B.
A.
) Drop 'em.
Now, you wanna see something that'll break your heart? Look down the barrel.
Somebody filled it with lead.
Yeah.
Props.
Okay, Jer, hit the rest of the plungers.
And then there is perhaps the most arcane expression of them all.
''There is no business like show business.
'' [B.
A.
chuckling.]
[birds chirping.]
Open the gate.
Matey's back.
Hey, that's not our truck.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hey! Come back here.
Hey! Put it down or l hit the gas.
Tell your men to drop their weapons.
Drop your weapons! lt's an order.
Do it now! l don't know who you are-- l know.
l know.
But l know who you are.
You're Major Ramon De Jero.
You've terrorized hundreds of people, tortured them unmercifully.
l can pay you.
l'm sure you can, but we're not in that market.
Captain, take a look at this guy's basement.
See if he's been pulling off anybody's fingernails down there.
All right, come on, Face.
Bring your nail file.
l just came in here to use the phone, call a taxi.
They threw me in this basement.
They probably didn't realize they was dealing with a star, sweet cheeks.
See what happens when you don't live up to your contractual obligations? The movie gods gets you.
What have you done? Why have you brought all these men here? This guy in the white suit is a war criminal.
You lock him up.
l'll get the federales down here.
They'll take him away in a rabies bag.
What's wrong? Perhaps you should tell him, jefe.
He has all our wives and children.
They're being held in a place out of town and if l am locked up, they will be killed.
You see, l'm a man who enjoys good insurance.
Which is why l have lived so long and so well.
What makes you think l won't be able to find them and rescue them? You won't get the opportunity, senor.
Well, who's gonna stop me? Not you.
Oh, no, no, not me, but perhaps you should look around you, senor.
[guns cocking.]
Not bad.
Drop your weapons.
This is a real neat town you found, Faceyman.
l know.
[crickets chirping.]
This is awful.
l knew l shouldn't have gotten into movie-making.
l should have just stuck to being an agent.
Maybe if we tell him we'll do anything he wants, promise not to tell on him.
Maybe, then he'll let us go.
l mean, he seems like a reasonable man.
lf we beg him, maybe.
Jenny.
She can go to him, convince him.
Charles! Don't you think you're working this heroic leading man thing too much? (Hannibal) What we need is a good plan.
l'm open to suggestions.
Well.
Suggestions are one of my long suits.
Yup.
So, l suggest that we convince this tyrant that we have secret weapons in our possession and that we could atomize him at any moment.
Please, somebody shut this lunatic up.
l've been trying to shut this lunatic up for 15 years.
Ain't no way of shutting him up.
But l'd rather listen to him jibber-jabber, than to you whine.
Well, there's got to be a way.
Then let's go, Murdock, what's the idea? Well, most of you know me first of all, as H.
M.
Murdock.
But in my movie career, l'm known far and wide by my stuntman's name.
Look, Murdock, l don't wanna hear no stuff about no Tommy Danger.
Well, then, you better stuff some of that gold in your ear, big guy because l'm on a roll.
My stuntman persona is Tommy Danger.
l'm known best of all for my high falls, and my helicopter stunts.
But foremost, especially and most spectacularly for my death scenes.
Tommy Danger is known far and wide for his ability to eat lead, boys and girls.
Yes, sir, you heard me.
He can take a bullet better than any man alive.
Now, l suggest that Hannibal shoot me and then turn his attention to Jerry the German out there and scare him into surrendering and l also suggest that he use this ordinary pen which l will turn into a deadly Observe.
[mimicking gunshot.]
[groaning.]
Ringo Ringo, please, please don't let me die with my boots on.
l like it.
Now, all we need is a squib.
Beautiful.
What's this all about, Johnny? We just came up with an escape plan.
We must move quickly.
lt's become very sloppy.
Tell Marco Cortez to clear out our accounts in Argentina and bring the money here immediately.
We will fly to Switzerland and then go on to the island.
l don't want to argue about it.
Do as l say! This was supposed to be a quiet place to rest, to collect my money before disappearing.
And l've Hollywood filmmakers who disarm my security forces.
They may have called for help.
Who knows what they may have done? We have little time.
They got lucky.
Anybody can get lucky.
Who counts on luck to decide anything? Tomorrow morning, at dawn you will take these men to the ranch where the women are being held.
Kill them all.
And then go on to the town and kill the men there.
Set a fire.
Nobody must be left to tell of my existence.
There's no reason to kill 30 people.
lt'll bring the police, it'll cause an international incident.
lf they know that l was here they will find a way to trace me to the island.
Somebody will remember the tail number of the helicopter that brought me here, or will remember that l made several calls to Geneva.
Or, your description.
You were seen on the island.
A composite drawing perhaps, that will be circulated.
Bits, pieces, little facts, remembered moments they must all be eliminated.
And if that is not reason enough consider this.
Okay, mate, you made your point.
l knew you were here, De Jero.
l could smell you.
That the best you can do? You will be taken to a field where a large hole has been dug.
You will be shot and buried.
No one, not even the buzzards, will know you are there.
Not a very graceful conclusion to an exciting life, do you think? Put them in the truck.
B.
A.
, l can't pull this off with my hands tied.
[grunting.]
l think l dislocated my shoulder.
This stuff must be Get ready.
[groans.]
Okay, you guys know what to do.
l need talk to somebody.
l got things to tell.
They got weapons.
Shut up, Murdock.
Don't you tell me to shut up.
You shut up yourself.
Who are you? You brought me down here for your own advantage.
Well, l don't wanna die.
l want to go home.
He's got a gun and he's gonna kill you! Who's got a gun? He does! Damn you, Murdock! (Hannibal) Drop your weapon.
No, don't fire.
lt's a trick, get the women! You're coming with me for protection, pal.
Please! No! Stop! Please! Don't! Stop, stop.
How'd l do, Colonel? How'd l do? Oh, it was a great death scene, Murdock.
One of the best.
Now, this was an E-ticket ride.
You didn't get your coupon.
But, who cares when you're having fun? (Decker) l know this guy's one weakness is playing these geek monsters.
He's gonna show.
l'm going in.
Captain, you're with me.
Nobody moves off this position until l give them the word.
We're on Channel 15.
Cooper, you moved early last time.
You make a move on him this time without my authorization and you're gonna be peeling spuds in the officers' mess for the next two years.
Right, sir.
Move out, Captain.
Military police.
l want to talk to your manager.
Yeah.
Sure.
Mr.
Deever.
Deever.
He's the owner.
What do you want, honey? These men are military police.
They want to talk to you.
What is it, sonny? Oh.
They're in the army.
Used to be in the army myself.
Yeah, in the big one.
World War l.
That's nice.
Look.
There might be some fugitives in this theatre.
Huh? There might be some fugitives in this theatre.
Oh, fugitives.
The Captain and l want to go in and check out your house.
You have to be on the run to want to see this turkey.
Come on, l'll show you the way.
Can l give you a hand? No.
Maybe up the steps, here.
l got a piece of shrapnel.
Some of Jerry's shrapnel.
At the Argonne forest.
Well, let me give you a little help.
Thank you very much.
[groaning.]
There we go.
We got at them with our .
50's.
Kaboom! Kaboom! Kaboom! You got them.
Yeah.
We let them have it with the gas.
[hissing.]
Look, can we move along? l got a job to do.
Yes, sir, doing my best here.
How is that? That's great.
That fast? Yes, sir, General.
You bet, here we go.
Yeah.
Over the top.
Over there.
World War l? Over there.
You bet.
Yeah, trenches.
Yes, sir.
Over there.
Oh, yeah.
l'm going to get over there in a minute, sonny.
This here steel door is to an observation room.
You can look right down into the theatre.
That way you can spot your man without disturbing the audience.
Oh, drat.
Here, here, here.
Hold this, let me do it.
Give me.
Give me.
All right.
You got it? Nothing to it.
Nothing to it, General.
Thank you.
You dummy! This is the wrong room.
You got the wrong room, Decker.
[locking.]
Excuse me, young man.
Thank you.
Hello, honey.
Fellow told me to tell you that Colonel Decker is locked in a concrete room and not to worry.
[exclaiming.]
Roll it, Jer.
Marvin, roll it.
(Jerry) l don't know, Johnny.
l still think iridescent purple would have looked good.
(Hannibal) Trust me, Jer, l know sea monsters.
After all, show business is my life.
[roaring.]