The Cleveland Show s04e03 Episode Script

My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my hometown With my new family There's old friends and new friends And even a bear Through good times and bad times It's true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is The Cleveland Show.
There's no way, Cleveland! I'll never make it! You're not missing Thanksgiving, Holt! Sir, I'm gonna need you to Late for a plane! There's no time! Late for a plane?! We need backup at Terminal 2.
A passenger is late for a plane.
Out of the way! They're late for a plane! Swear to God you're not a terrorist? I swear to Allah.
Go, go, go! God, I hope they make it.
I need to commandeer your vehicle.
Someone's late for a plane! Are you Mr.
Richter? Oh, my God, I am so sorry, y'all.
Y'all's flight already went.
I told them to wait.
We did wait a little while, but then we didn't know what to do 'cause everyone already on the plane wanted to go.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry you won't get to spend Thanksgiving with your family, Holt.
What?! I wasn't going to see my family.
I signed up for the Entourage Thanksgiving in Hollywood.
For 6,000 bucks, Johnny Drama cooks you a Thanksgiving omelet, then leaves the room so you don't have to look at him while you eat it.
But why didn't you want to be with your family? Did.
Wasn't invited.
Mom has three boyfriends in Florida.
Says I cramp her style.
I do.
Probably shouldn't call them all "Dad.
" That's sad.
That's sad.
Come on, Holt.
Why don't you buy us all a drink? This airport is stupid.
There's no bar here! I'm gonna blow this place up! I swear to God, I'm gonna blow this whole place up! Or we could, uh, just go to The Stool.
All right.
You're all lucky to be alive! Boy, I can't wait to spend Thanksgiving with my fam-- Oh.
Don't worry about it, guys.
I'm used to it.
Not close to my family.
Haven't been for years.
Wish I was.
You know what we need to do? What, Cleveland? What?! We need to open a bar at that airport.
People need a stiff drink after being gate-raped by the TSA.
You know what? One of Cleveland's can't-lose schemes is just the kind of thing I need to get me out of my funk.
I'm in.
Oh.
I guess we could include you, too.
Gus, we have a business proposition for you.
Sorry, guys, I got all the llamas I need.
What majestic creatures.
Yes, you are.
Who's majestic? You.
You are.
Good majestic llama.
I feed them garbage.
Okay.
Gus, I want to make a Stool in the airport.
Daddy's got business.
That's right.
The Broken Stool Number Two.
If you're willing to assume all the risk, then we're willing to take time from the jobs we never go to to make it happen.
What do you say? Well, you know, the truth is, I've always wanted to franchise, and I could use the money.
I promised my niece Cheryl I'd put her through college.
Ooh, college.
I'm smart.
President Cheryl.
Yes, I know it's crazy.
Count me in, Cleveland.
And now back to Mystery Science Magic Johnson Theater 3000.
Damn! The flying saucer just crashed and , son! Oh, snap, now the alien is all leaving the spaceship, yo! Now he shooting at the alien, kid! He shooting at him! Y'all shut up! I'm trying to watch a movie! Hark the herald turkeys sing Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble Cleveland.
Gobble? I need you to watch Rallo today.
Gobble.
Because it's almost Thanksgiving, that's gobble.
I got to hunt the turkey, shoot it, cut its head off, drain it, gut it, pluck it, stuff it All right, I'll watch him.
But I'm not gonna watch him good.
Ow! What the hell, Rallo?! How come you felt that one and not the first four? What? One, two, three, four.
Okay, we'll leave that one in there.
Enough of this bull rassum! You need a big boy task that'll keep you busy and over there.
So go help Holt sort through those screws.
But Do it and you can have all the vermouth you want.
All right! I don't know what that is.
Hey, Rallo.
What's up, little man? Too bummed about Thanksgiving to make a pun about screws.
Eh, screw it.
Huh, even at my lowest, I'm funnier than everyone else.
I'll tell you, Rallo, this time of year's the worst for me.
Mom ditches me to go to Florida, never even brings me back a baby alligator, even though I'd totally take care of it.
Ah, who am I kidding? No baby alligator's gonna love me.
You're not a bad little man.
You just need a friend.
I got a friend.
C-Bro.
He can't even sort the damn screws! Why don't we get some fresh air.
Come on.
Jungle gym always cheers me up.
This is kids' stuff, man.
You call that kids' stuff? Whoa! Talk about Parks and Recreation.
I'd Amy Pole-her.
Holt Richter.
But you can call me Fred Flintstone.
Oh, boy.
'Cause I can make your bed rock.
I don't get your references or anybody's references.
That's my big buddy, Holt.
We watch cartoons together.
He takes care of me 'cause my daddy lights the spoon on fire.
Aw.
You know, I judged you way too harshly before.
I'm hot, so I'm a bitch.
Here's my number.
I'll see you at 8:00.
See? Maybe all you need to take your mind off Thanksgiving are those breasts and thighs.
Get it? Turkey and lady similarities? Aw, yeah! When I'm done with her, there's gonna be plenty of leftovers for, uh sandwiches.
Anyway, thanks.
How can I repay you? With money and things.
Cue the lights! Cue the beer! Cue the music! Here they come! And there they go.
Wha? What's going on? This is the only place to get alcohol in the entire airport.
Why is everybody going into this stupid grape store? Welcome.
I drive a very nice car.
So we lose the blue state crowd.
We'll be fine.
What's on the other side of us? "Bier Garten"? What does that mean? Sounds German.
All right, I'm gonna start with "garten.
" Okay, "garten" is garden.
That's fine.
Nothing to worry about there.
Okay, "bier," "bier" Oh, it's pronounced "beer.
" And it means beer.
Uh, guys.
Boy, are we dumb.
Uhp, other people's money.
Hey, fellas.
Can't help but notice that there's no one in our bar.
Nope.
Cleveland, six months before the federal government relocated me to Stoolbend, my dying sister turned to me and said, "Gus, will you promise me one thing?" And I said, "Anything, Courtney.
"You did, after all, raise me after Dad killed Mom and then himself.
" She said, "Gus, promise me that Cheryl will attend Drake University.
" Your sister's name was Courtney?! "And if anyone gets in the way, cut off their nose and lips!" Okay.
And you won't be welcome back at my bar.
But where will we go when we don't want to talk to our wives?! We can't come here; this place sucks.
Make this work, Cleveland.
Got your nose.
Oh, God! How'd he do that?! Give it back, give it back! He means business.
Where's Tim? I'm right here.
You look like Rutger Hauer.
Why do you look like Rutger Hauer? I'm hiding from Gus.
No bear here! Just a surfer dude from California that Gus would have no interest in making into a rug.
Great.
This bar is a failure, Gus is going to kill us, and I got ham'roids like a muh.
Boys, we got trouble with a capital G? Well, since no one else is gonna be drinking this beer me, brah.
Although being from L.
A.
, I really prefer, uh, cocaine.
There you are.
What took you so long? Sorry, man.
Crossing guard thinks just 'cause I'm black, I can't have a scooter this nice.
Look, if you want to keep living large, you better get your head in the game.
There's today's target.
Twins, huh? Probably gonna have to skin a knee.
Merry-go-round.
When I turn on the waterworks, bring me this.
Time for me to get paid.
And me to get laid.
Uh, by women.
We've got an arrangement, it works like a charm He puts toys in my room I put girls on his arm He gets me chicks He writes me checks I'm paying a young boy for sex Uh, I don't think Who knew I could bag a babe That's not a blow-up doll? All you had to do was buy me half of the mall I scored a D-cup I scored a T-rex I'm paying a five-year-old for sex Seriously, man, that sounds I love kids so much.
I can't wait to have one of my own.
Me, too.
That's why I love being a Big Brother to Rallo.
I get to rediscover the world through a child's eyes.
That's so sweet.
I mean, I guess I'm supposed to be teaching him, but really, he's teaching me.
Aw! Don't need no roofies with a wingboy this nice I'll help you seal the deal for the right Fisher-Price He's ABC's He's triple X I'm using this young boy's face for sex Okay, that sounds the worst.
Paying a young boy for sex.
Say, that's catchy.
This place is deader than Lil Wayne before his 30th birthday.
Want to call it? It's nice out.
Let's hang for a little bit.
All right.
Give me another push.
Higher.
Higher.
Higher! Whee! Aah, too high! Too high! Ah, there you go.
Hey, why don't you hop in and give it a go? Oh, no.
No, I I can't.
I I don't know how to swing, Rallo.
What? How come? Never learned.
Mom said swinging was too dangerous.
Dad was always too busy.
Cat's in the cradle, silver spoon.
Ricky Schroder.
Then Rick Schroder.
Now back to Ricky Schroder.
My dad's busy a lot, too.
When's the last time you saw yours? Man, it's been months.
What is it, November? Yeah, it's been Well, I taught myself how to swing, and I can teach you, too.
All you got to do is kick your legs forward.
Now tuck them when you go back.
See? Kick and tuck.
Kick and tuck.
Don't let me go.
I think I'm getting it.
I've got it! You can let go of me.
I already did.
I'm swinging! I'm swinging! Look at me, every daddy! I mean, everybody.
Why did I say "daddy"? Don't care about him.
Just like he didn't care about me.
I-I mean, whee! Oh, what a night.
I totally forgot that we're all screwed.
We should get drunk on the tarmac like this more often, like every single pilot for every single airline, without exception, allegedly.
I'm surprised no one tried to stop us when we built our lost luggage burning man.
Ain't nobody here but the beer.
It's Thanksgiving Day.
Everyone's gone where they was going.
Nobody's flying these planes today.
Hey, they left the keys in this one.
You're not supposed to fly drunk, Cleveland! Not drunk-- just had beer.
How hard could flying be? Worst case scenario, I hit a goose, land in a river, I'm a hero.
Clevey Clevenburger.
I like the sound of that.
Adios, Thanksgiving turkeys.
Have fun getting murdered by Gus.
Does he, uh, know how to land that thing? Sure.
He used to be a pilot.
I think that was Quagmire.
Oh.
Well, at least he's going to die doing what he loves-- burning in a fireball.
I got to thank you, Rallo.
Banging chicks, hanging out, watching TV, drinking chocolate milk with a five-year-old-- this Thanksgiving's been pretty sick.
Well, it's about to get even sicker.
Holt.
Dad! What did you call me, maggot? General Richter, sir! That's right, maggot.
Now, who's this maggot here? I'm Rallo.
So you're the maggot who called me.
Always good to put a maggot's face to a maggot's name.
Now, both of you maggots drop and give me 20.
For what? For being maggots.
Thanks for ruining my first good Thanksgiving.
I take it we won't be hitting the stores together on Black Friday? I don't know your holidays.
So you one of those classic hard-ass, tough-guy generals who are more comfortable barking orders than they are with emotions? You're damn right I am, you pathetic little panda turd! Now, drop and give me 20.
Yeah, this is going to be a good Thanksgiving.
And as for you, you limp-wristed panty model, where is this oil you struck? You told him about my limp-wristed panty modeling? When you're 60, you'll look back and be glad you got those pictures.
I didn't strike any oil, sir.
My friend just said that to get you here.
I left an unwinnable war to come see my son for no reason?! Good-bye, Holt.
Tell your mother I still don't forgive her for cheating on me.
And she owes me Good-bye, sir.
General Richter, sir.
Would you accept a thank-you for fighting them there so we don't have to fight them here by joining my family for Thanksgiving? Rallo, I don't think that's Shut your meat hole! Why, I'd be honored to spend Thanksgiving with a young patriot like yourself.
I bought this wine from some fart sniffer at the airport.
I'll bring it.
Take that, Red Baron.
Oh, what's this thing going on? All right, I hear you.
This autopilot's pretty sweet.
Auto land.
Auto land.
Is Beetle Bailey as lazy as he seems? Well, I'm afraid that's classified, son.
Whoa.
News anchor Dwayne Meighan just tweeted, "It had had been there was plane on the sky "had flied itself, but update had said not so.
"Man fly plane name of Cleveland.
He in there.
Crash soon.
" Oh, wait, no, he was just re-tweeting Gary Busey.
Oh, my God! Cleveland! I wondered why he wasn't here at Thanksgiving dinner.
Oh, yeah.
Someone's got to save my daddy! And get a move on those sweet potatoes.
I'll handle this.
Hot plate! Hot plate! Now, follow me to the airport.
There's not a second to lose.
Listen up, maggot people.
Here's what's going to happen.
We're going to fly up there and dangle someone from a rope down to the other plane, just like catching a fish.
Now, which one of you maggots wants to graduate to worm? Do it, Holt.
Holt Ann Richter, reporting for duty.
You? They won't even let you ride a roller coaster.
Some places do.
As soon as you clip the African-Ameri-maggot to your harness, I'll pull you both back up.
I was born ready! What? Sorry.
Thought you asked if I was ready.
It's really loud in here.
This isn't funny like Airplane.
It's a disaster like Airplane II! What? I'm here to rescue you.
Dad, you've got to get me closer! Well, that's as close as I can get! He's kicking up too much tailwind.
Mission over.
I'm pulling you back up.
No, Dad.
I can do this.
He's doing it.
He's swinging.
How can you see that far? I'm not seeing it with these.
I'm seeing it with this.
Kick and tuck.
Kick and tuck.
Kick and tuck.
Kick and tuck! Sorry.
Sorry.
Well, fellas, we had a good run.
Oh, not my nose! Take my ugly ears.
Relax, Cleveland and other guys.
Lucky for you, Cheryl passed away last night.
Oh, thank God.
So you're off the hook.
What do you think of your son now, General Richter? He swung on a rope like a maggot.
You know what? You're a maggot.
I am a human being.
Look, your son just did 120 push-ups and saved a man's life.
Where I come from, that means something.
That's enough.
What's your problem? You want to know what my problem is? I'll tell you what my problem is! My son couldn't follow in my footsteps! Why? You've got to be five feet tall to join the Army.
Five-foot-two in heels.
Not helping.
You're just like your mother-- short and useless.
You want to know something, Dad? I'm proud to be short.
I get to buy my clothes in the tweens section, which keeps me hip.
I'm always on my tiptoes, which gives me great calves.
And, General, my tiny hands make my privates look huge, which they are not.
Good-bye, General.