The Detour (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

1 Delilah's not living in Ithaca, okay? Nobody moves to Ithaca on purpose.
- Why not? - 'Cause it sucks, okay? She's not here.
I'm not buying it.
- Oh, you're not buying it.
- No.
- But you bought Tibet.
- I didn't.
- You bought Japan.
- I don't even know what that word is.
I don't know, these guys I talked to seemed pretty certain it was her.
[Sighs.]
Who, these guys here? Bo and Luke Duke? - Oh, yeah - All right, follow me.
Hi.
Hey.
- Uh, you're Are you Donny? - Yeah, yeah.
Uh, So you guys have seen our daughter, Delilah? Mm-hmm.
Lookin' younger than the poster, but it's definitely her, all right.
Yeah, she walks around here like she's better than all of us.
Well, she is better than all of yous.
Okay.
Hold on.
- Do you know her? - Nope.
She keeps to herself mostly.
Lives with that rock star.
- He's disabled.
- Yes Yes, he is.
Okay, well, which one of these shit boxes is she living in? We would love to help you guys out out of the goodness of our hearts, but we got bills to pay.
Ah, right, of course you do.
The $500 reward.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Yeah Okay.
All right.
Here you go.
Hey, hold up.
How'd you get that? Those were only up in Syracuse.
[Chuckles.]
We're amateur detectives.
- It's kind of our thing.
- Yeah, I almost forgot.
I found this phone bill in her garbage.
A lot of calls or what you might call "collusion" to some weird number in Russia.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's my dad's number.
Do you need more proof? - Okay.
All right.
Here you go.
- Yeah.
Now, where is she? - Oh, shit, there she goes.
- [Engine starts.]
[Engine revs.]
Get some! Oh, shit.
- Whoa.
- [Tires screech.]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
Delilah! Delilah! [Southern accent.]
Are you okay? Babe? Babe, are you okay? - Babe? - Yeah.
Blue Jay.
Robin.
What? Um My twin sister.
Yeah.
- What? - Yeah.
Twin sister.
I jumped a shark.
- Oh.
- [Grunts.]
Aah! Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
So what brings you by after all these years? Oh, we were led to believe by a couple of morons that our daughter was staying here.
You have a little girl? That's so incredible.
Yeah, two kids, actually.
Twins.
Wow, just like us.
Well, I would love to meet them.
Are they here? Where are they? Well, uh, one of them ran away, and the other one is - Oh, my God, where is he? - He's at my mom's.
Can we just back it up for a second? Maybe it's the concussion talking, but remember the other day when I said, "Is there anything I don't know about you?" And you said, "Well, I don't like squash.
" And I said, "The vegetable or the game?" - And you said, "Both.
" - Both.
[Laughs.]
Well, maybe you could have [bleep.]
told me you had a twin sister.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, she's never mentioned you, either.
No, I did.
Ah.
.
It was the last time I talked to you, as a matter of fact, at the funeral of, um, uh, Beth uh, Becky? It's Beckany.
I never forget a name.
And all you said was, "Oh, hey, B.
J.
" I met this boring meathead hockey player, and I'm gonna use him to clean up my selfish destructive lifestyle," or something like that.
I don't really I'm paraphrasing.
- That's - A spot-on impression.
Well, now that I've met you, I can see why she's been hiding you.
Nate the Great, look at you.
You are such a peach.
And you got such strong bones.
Makes me feel awful I almost broke 'em all.
- Feel that one.
- Ooh.
- Huh.
- Mm.
- Stop it.
- [Both chuckle.]
By the way, I don't tell you about my past because my past sucks.
She doesn't suck.
She's awesome.
She doesn't seem to have any of the shit-show genes your sisters have.
Trust me, she is the shit-showiest of them all.
For instance, we were both born in New York, but she was "raised" in Alabama, so somehow she has an accent.
That's not how accents work.
That's exactly how accents work.
No.
Mm.
Mmm, that's good.
It's a frozen dinner, Nate.
Well, she heated it up perfectly.
Blue Jay, these are amazing.
Oh, please, call me B.
J.
I prefer it.
And I'm sure you do, too.
- [Laughs.]
- I do.
She can pull off an innuendo.
None of that "spit on it and stick it in" shit.
Can you believe how two identical-looking people could be so different? Oh, no, we're very much alike.
In fact, when we were kids, we used to dress the same and fool our parents.
Too bad they were too busy being criminals to notice.
Oh, what do you say, Robin? Let's pull a "Parent Trap" for old time's sake, huh? - Huh.
- No.
- Come on, please.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- No.
Just do it.
What's the worst that's gonna happen? This is not the same dress.
Oh, yes, it is.
I make them myself.
Okay, Nate, which one's which? It's so hard to tell.
I mean, one is a beautiful oil painting, and the other one is, uh my wife.
Listen, I would fill this out, too, if I hadn't had kids, so Oh, I've missed you so much, but I don't blame you for shutting out your past.
- It sucked.
- Yeah, see? Do you ever wish when our mother left J.
R.
, she took both of us with her? Yeah.
Yeah, but there was only one seat on the plane.
Is that what she told you? Hm.
She told me it was 'cause you were fussy.
I was a child.
Well, you two never really clicked.
Oh, what a bitch.
[Gasps.]
Stop it.
You hush, Robin.
She did the best she could.
Hey, did you know she was living in Italy of all places now? - Okay.
- What? You told me she was dead.
She is.
She's dead to me.
That's not the same thing.
She lives in Italy, the one place I've always wanted to go.
Time to make amends.
Ain't that right, Nate.
I used to blame J.
R.
for splitting up our family.
I was only allowed to see my sister during nondenominational holidays and the occasional diamond smuggle, but I said, "No, that is no way to live!" So now I talk to J.
R.
like almost every other day.
He calls me his gummy bear.
Now I get the nickname.
I mean, it suits you.
So sweet, you know.
You'd be like a Sour Patch.
Claude: B.
J.
, who's talking? Nate, Robin, meet my boyfriend.
- Shut up.
- [Grunts.]
- That's not your boyfriend.
- It's Claude.
It's like Claude Gable.
[Grunts.]
You know what they say.
Two identical sisters end up with two identical men.
Oh, shit.
Jesus.
You're both so clumsy and accident prone.
You hit me with a car.
- [Grunts.]
- Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, God, I got glass in my shins.
Oh, I got glass in my penis.
See? Two peas in a pod.
[Laughing.]
Oh, man.
[Groaning.]
Here comes the sghetti train.
Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga.
- Eat some good sghetti.
- What is happening? It's your favorite kind of sghetti, the sghetti with the meatballs.
Here comes the airplane.
[Imitating airplane.]
Wasn't she just a train? That's your takeaway from all this? - Ow, sghetti's hot.
- I'm sorry.
[Blows.]
Okay, how about now? Just right? No, it's too cold.
Oh, hush now.
You just eat it.
[Snoring.]
Did he just fall asleep with his eyes open? - No, he's awake.
- He's snoring.
He's got wake-apnea.
You know what? I think B.
J.
and I are gonna go for a little walk, catch up, yeah? Oh, that sounds great.
Honey, do you mind if I go on a walk with Robin? [Snoring continues.]
Okay, good.
I'm just gonna go tinkle real quick.
I'll be right back.
- You're fine, right? - What? No.
No, don't leave me here with him.
- She needs help.
- What do you care? You haven't seen her in 16 years.
She's family.
We don't give up on family we like.
- You said that.
- Yeah, about our daughter.
And we need to get back to Syracuse and not give up on her.
I can't let her stay in this relationship.
It's none of your business.
What if someone had told you to give up on me? They did.
Who? Everybody.
- You ready to go? - Yeah.
- You'll be fine, right? - No, I'm not fine.
Just do it.
[Snoring continues.]
[Door closes.]
So can you hear me? [Coughs.]
Oh.
[Gasps.]
Oh, you weren't snoring.
You were choking on a meatball.
Can you put that back in? No.
I'm hungry.
Pick up a fork like a big boy.
Oh.
Robin: What the hell are you doing with Claude? We've been through so much together.
What would he do without me? I'm still nursing him back to health.
I know, but you you can't just live for him.
You have to have a life of your own.
Take Nate for instance.
He's gone above and beyond for his family.
He's traveled the world to find our daughter, and what's he done for himself? He's done nothing.
- That's incredible.
- No, it's stupid.
The guy is so selfless, it's eating him up inside.
He really needs to blow off steam big-time.
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
[Laughs.]
Like that.
Yes.
Nate used to drink like that.
He did.
It made him feel great.
He used to call it his "wha'sup, wha'sup juice.
" [Both laugh.]
Yeah, he'd get all liquored up, and we would have the best sex, and now he doesn't touch it.
The booze or you? Ha ha! Both.
I love Nate.
I know.
I'm pretty lucky to have him.
I wouldn't tell him that to his face 'cause he'd get a big head, but yeah.
I hate Claude, like, so much.
Like a burning, seething hatred.
- [Groans.]
- [Seat belt clicks.]
It's gonna be a hell of a ride, huh? Yeah, safety first, man.
Hang on.
[Groaning.]
You need to put a helmet on? Just psych a brother up.
Thanks, man.
Probably faster if I just carried you down.
Yeah.
[Strap clicks.]
Dude, you really can't walk down three stairs.
Soft bones.
What's that mean? Like rickets? Soft bones.
Doc says I'm like a bag of wet sticks.
[Beep.]
That means it's safe to unbuckle my seat belt.
Oh, man, I forgot my cheese.
[Chair whirring.]
[Beep.]
[Sighs.]
You're not gonna believe this.
It's down there.
I can smell it.
We just got to find it.
[Chair whirring.]
[Beep.]
Means it's done.
You said that.
You can't say important things too much.
Gonna put it back.
Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ.
Ooh.
[Chuckles.]
My goodness.
- Yes.
- You're right.
I need to start doing some stuff for myself.
That was a quick turnaround, but great.
Yes.
Then leave him.
Hey, boys, wha'sup, wha'sup? Oh, no, no, no.
Looks like someone founds her daughter.
- Uh, no, my daughter's 16.
- Well, no refunds.
Yeah, but we'd like to buy you fine ladies a well drink of your choice.
And by "fine ladies," I mean you.
[Laughs.]
You want some coffee? - That's coffee? - No.
Jesus, what do you do down here? Oh.
Here you go.
Sure, all right.
I've never tried this before.
- Yeah.
- Kill some time.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, what do you do in this thing? It's a workout.
- Buckle up.
- Yeah.
You're going for a helluva ride.
- Hold my breath.
- Yeah.
[Grunts.]
What am I watching? Is this a train set? Yeah.
It's a little boring, isn't it? Ah.
Yeah.
- What are you supposed to do? - You're doing it.
That's it? You just watch it go around the track? That's right.
If you like model trains so much, why don't you build a real one? Fat fingers and little, teeny, tiny parts just don't mix.
All right.
That was fun.
No, whoa, don't take it off mid-game.
You'll lose.
How do you lose watching a train set? Oh, lost.
It's all your fault.
I need B.
J.
to make me feel better.
[Clatters.]
Oh.
I'm B.
J.
I bet you boys like that, huh? - Don't say that.
- Uh, yeah.
You think I have a pretty mouth for a B.
J.
? - Yeah.
- You want to kiss it? Uh, yeah.
- Okay.
- Oh.
I also think you have a really pretty mouth.
- Okay.
- Hey, okay.
No, there's too many teeth in that mouth.
Get back on my lips, other one.
If the earth is round, then how come this bottle ain't sliding off the table? Gravity.
You should come to one of our meetings.
There's a lot more of us flat-earthers on this globe than you think.
All right, I can't do this anymore.
I can't listen to any more conspiracy theories.
- Hey, these are just my opinions.
- Which are wrong.
- According to who? - The laws of science.
- And who wrote those? - Scientists.
And those are their opinions, which just so happen to be fake.
What's so hard to understand about that? Where the hell is my sister, anyway? You want to hear another opinion - that people think is just a "theory"? - Not really.
Your sister runs an underground syndicate that traps men, extracts testosterone, and relieves them of their manhood.
Yeah, who's got a basement in a trailer? - Oh, that's a man cave.
- Mnh-mnh.
It's a man grave.
These are all a year after living with your sister.
- Before.
- After.
- Before.
- After.
- Before.
- After.
Before.
And you know what that after looks like.
That's not really you, is it? Yeah.
I can see how B.
J.
fell in love with that, but what happened? I was onstage.
The bass player, man.
It was an accident.
I fell and broke my leg.
And then B.
J.
has been by my side ever since.
It was B.
J.
That's a beautiful story.
So you never went back to the band or a gym? No, man.
Gym closed, band kicked me out.
Yeah, you'd be surprised how quickly they can replace a bassist.
Not really.
It's not that hard.
Anyway, I was about to start my solo career until B.
J.
accidentally broke my pelvis.
Whoa.
How'd she do that? She ran over me with her car.
[Chuckles lightly.]
I'm sensing a trend here.
Are you sure it was an accident? The first time, for sure.
First How many times has she hit you with a car? Three times with a car.
One of those was definitely my fault.
I should have known to roll out of the way before she backed up in reverse.
Dude, this sounds like "Misery.
" Oh, no, it's not that bad.
You know, I'm hard on her, but she is an average cook.
"Misery" like the mov Forget it.
Listen, I'm not into conspiracy theories at all, but she sounds like she's an insane woman.
Oh, no, no, she's bipolar and schizophrenic, but other than that, man, she's a picture of mental health.
Okay.
Um, you know what? It was great to meet you, but before any of this happens to me, I'm gonna I'm gonna get the hell out of here.
Good luck.
Yeah, well, I tried to do that once.
When I asked to leave, the voices in her head accidentally smashed my jaw with a brick.
Dude, this door is locked from the outside.
Yeah, she locks the doors for my safety.
She makes me wear this ankle monitor.
She likes to know where I am all the time.
I can get all the way out to the mailbox before I get shocked.
And it only hurts a lot.
Dude, these are all nailed shut! Yeah, you got to keep the windows shut.
If you're gonna lock the doors, no point.
[Suspenseful music plays.]
[Thudding.]
Yeah, that's a steel door.
Figured that out on my third time I broke my shoulder.
Oh.
Ah! Shit.
So what are you saying? Are we Are we trapped in here? Yeah.
What do we do? [Snoring.]
That is so unnerving.
This is insane.
You're both insane.
What kind of guy would get trapped by a 100-pound woman? Kind of guy who doesn't have the ability to get away, like Clump over there.
My God, why would you call him that? - That's so mean.
- That's what he calls himself.
You need our help, you know where to find us.
Oh, God.
B.
J.
: I'm taking my vagina out of storage.
You want to blow the dust off? Robin, you were right about everything.
I need to be more selfish.
I want you to make love to me on that pinball machine like Jodie Foster in that movie.
No, she was raped in that movie.
Well, we're gonna need some more wha'sup, wha'sup juice, then.
Oh, hey, pretty.
Let's get Hey, stop, stop.
You're trying to make out with everyone in here.
No, quit it with the twincest.
I just want a little of what you have.
I want a Nate of my own.
Well, looks like you and Clump were hitting it off pretty well.
Oh, my God.
Why would call him that? That's so mean.
Oh, no, he calls himself that.
- No, I don't.
- Oh.
Um, okay.
Well, let's go.
Mm, no.
Boo! Boo, Robin! She's trying to make me go home! - [All booing.]
- All right, all right.
Boo! [Clattering.]
- B.
J.
! - Don't touch me.
- Let's go.
- Stop touching my skin! [Banging.]
- Come on.
- Get off me! Ah.
Come on.
You touch me one more time, I will knock you off that stage, handcuff you to a broken truck door in a deserted barn, and I will leave you for dead.
You're insane.
But it was so good seeing you.
Let's not let so much time pass in between visits.
Okay, bye.
Call me.
[Snoring.]
Mm.
I love you so much.
Oh, my God, babe, you were so right about your sister.
She is nuts.
She trapped us in this trailer.
We got to call the cops on her or something.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, you were right.
I need to stop meddling in other people's lives.
I just want to be with you.
And I know I don't say this to your face, but you're everything to me.
- Of course I am.
- Okay, don't get a big head about it.
- Let's go.
- No, wait.
We got to bust him out of here.
He used to be a famous bassist.
He wasn't that famous.
Claude: B.
J.
! B.
J.
! I want to watch "Rudy," but all my DVDs are on the ground.
B.
J.
Oh.
Think I broke another finger.
[Groans.]
Oh.
Wha'sup with you, B.
J.
? You cut your hair.
God, what's this? Oh, it's just some loose hair.
Everybody's got loose hair.
Maybe in menopause.
[Laughs.]