The Durrells (2016) s04e03 Episode Script
Season 4, Episode 3
1 IN BROKEN GREEK MAN SPEAKS GREEK CONTINUES SPEAKING IN GREEK Kalimera.
Kalimera, Miss Durrells.
I don't think you have met my wife, Dimitra.
No.
No, I have er seen you in the distance.
How nice to finally meet you.
Ah, you speak English.
Spiros taught me.
He loves the English.
And I love the Greeks.
Thank you for letting us see so much of Spiros since we lived here.
Thank you for paying him.
Oh, he means much more to us than that.
Well, we must let you go.
Yes, I'm just buying for a picnic.
So that's nice.
You must come along.
Anyway Oh, thank you.
We will.
When? Another top-notch lunch at the Durrell guesthouse.
You may applaud.
OWL SCREECHES SHEEP BLEATS No lunch for me Luga Er, what is it? ALL: Retzia.
I tell you every day.
How am I supposed to remember a name like Luga, er ALL: Retzia.
As an aide-memoire, it rhymes with I shall call you Jill.
KNOCK AT DOOR - Kalimera.
- Ah, Kalimera.
OWL SCREECHES Er Yes.
Lawrence Durrell, Tasos Koskinas.
The White House.
Kalami! And Miss Margo Durrell, C/O Geoffrey and Prudence, England! England! - Morning, Miss.
- Morning.
Argh! Arghh! Sodding, ruddy argh! - Hello.
- Hello.
Gerald Durrell? Yes.
How can I help? I have this for you.
Pogona vitticeps.
Wonderful.
I like how lizards can amputate their tail to shake off a predator.
And the detached tail keeps on wiggling to confuse the other animal.
Why did you bring him to me? You love animals.
People tell me.
Keep.
No.
No, you keep.
Find out all about him, show all your friends, and then let him go.
I like them here for a while, but they're better off under the sky.
SINGING IN THE DISTANCE Hold your hand out, naughty boy Hold your hand out, naughty boy! Though SOME are better kept indoors.
Hello, Auntie.
Uncle.
What? Did you not get my letter? No.
What did it say? That I was coming to stay.
I don't really know anyone else in England now Aunt Hermione's died.
I haven't been here since I was 15.
Sorry, have you got a full house? No.
But it'll take a massive amount of organising.
I can go to London, if you'd prefer.
No, you'd better come in.
Great.
It's a bit of a surprise, that's all.
We're creatures of habit.
I've often thought that without habit, Prue and I would scurry around like headless chickens.
It's like a tiny museum.
Oh, sorry, that was probably rude.
Why have you left Greece? - Is it because it's abroad? - No.
I want to find myself.
I'm sorry.
What, dear? I suppose I would like to learn to be confident by being more normal.
- Good.
- That's the ticket.
Not that being normal is everything.
- Well, I think it is.
- Yes.
How's your mother? We enjoyed seeing her last year in London.
Well, not exactly 'enjoyed'.
No.
Not 'enjoyed'.
We're sailing up the coast on Saturday, to visit Larry, and have a picnic.
Be careful.
The sea is a grave made of water.
I'd love to read your dictionary definitions.
Hey, come with us.
You know, not to work, but as a guest.
Me? Yeah, well, after all these years here, you're family now.
Should I go and talk to her? Yes.
KNOCK AT DOOR I know.
I hate shopping, too.
No.
I just met Spiros' wife for the first time.
I was in a shop.
And she came in, with Spiros.
Four years without meeting, and now she starts going shopping! What did you say? I invited her and Spiros on our picnic, and she said yes.
What? Why?! I was being polite and friendly.
HE GROANS Well, she obviously wants to get a proper look at you.
You and Spiros aren't talking, but want to.
This is actually good.
No, Leslie.
It's actually bad.
It'll be awkward, and painful.
And Dimitra will turn up with her trump cards, her children.
Not literally.
They're away, in Athens.
And her sultry Greekness.
And above all, her unattainable, quietly-lovely husband.
Well, I'll respect them as a married couple, we'll have a nice day, I won't compare us, or judge her, nor she me, or interfere in any way.
What's your favourite sandwich? What a super day in prospect.
I've brought my swimming costume.
I have quite an impressive cannonball in my arsenal.
CAR HORN Right.
Everything's fine.
Everyone relax.
Nothing strange or unusual happening.
Hello.
Spiros! Dimitra, this is Leslie Durrell.
Ah, you.
How lovely.
Again.
Twice in one week.
We are becoming old friends.
This is my other son, Gerry.
- The animal boy.
- Well, I wouldn't call him Yes, I'm happy with that.
You must know Theo? HE SPEAKS GREEK SHE REPLIES IN GREEK And this is Basil.
And Lugaretzia, who is just recovering from one of her illnesses.
PELICAN FLAPS Please.
- Do they bite? - Yes.
CONVERSATION IN GREEK Why did you let your wife say yes to coming on this trip? Why did you invite her? I panicked.
She's been this big absent figure in my life for so long, and then, suddenly there she was, by the hanging cheeses.
You and I have done nothing wrong.
I know.
Why are you telling me that? Maybe you and she will hit it on.
Hit it off.
You see? When I get nervous, my English goes to pot.
Goes to pot? Yes.
Right, listen up, everyone.
There are eight of us, plus the stupid dog.
You're a stupid dog.
And transport is one boat, and one motorcar.
Now, Lugaretzia gets car sick.
Well, she gets seasick as well, actually, but it's easy to be sick in the sea.
I also suffer from seasickness, in fact.
Theo! Theo is perfect in every way.
No! Now, Mrs Hakiopulos That's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it? No.
Right, well, I have you down for the boat.
No, I go in my husband's car.
Car.
I'm happy to go in the boat.
Roger and I will sail.
See if we can look out for loggerhead turtles.
That's five sailing, and only three in the motorcar.
Hmm, not ideal.
Um Mother, you may as well go in the car.
TICKING CLOCK 'Dear Mother, Les, and the boy, 'I am sitting in Prue and Geoffrey's living room.
'Either the clock is very loud, or Dorset is very quiet.
' Do come along to the talk I'm giving this morning, Margo.
You'll be entertained royally.
Thank you, beloved.
What is the title of the talk? "My life as an insurance broker.
" Hmm What is that? Insurance broking is Don't tell her yet! Keep your powder dry.
Indubitably.
'Your cousin Prue and Geoffrey 'are the most peculiar people I've ever met.
'I may be more normal than I thought.
' Of course, if it wasn't for Basil losing Aunt Hermione's legacy, we'd have retired to a life in clover.
Calm now, or you'll stab yourself with your knitting needle again.
You know Basil's staying in our guesthouse now? Yes.
I do.
Look, you've bent it now.
Oh, leave me alone! I thought Basil was a homosexual, like Sven, mother's first boyfriend on Corfu, but he turned out to be in love with her and bought her a little bridge, mistakenly thinking it was one of her favourite things.
It's all true.
Don't try and make me look like the weird one.
You're looking rather anxious, Spiros.
Why is that? I have a precious cargo.
You're very sweet.
I don't mean you.
I love your dress, Dimitra.
Thank you.
And I love yours.
I love your trousers, Spiros(!) You're very funny, Basil.
Does Spiros often take you out for drives? Only when we first met.
When he was trying to impress me.
What are you saying? My Greek's coming along well.
I know what they said.
HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Any better, Theo? - I'd rather be in the car.
- Yeah, sorry about that, I thought Mother and Mrs Spiros should get to know each other better.
Fine.
But Basil must die.
We will die first.
Drowned.
Cheer up, everyone.
We'll have a nice big lunch, and then SHE GROANS And then we'll see Larry again.
- That's not like you, Leslie.
- Well, I miss him.
I miss his ugly face.
Oh! Theo, look! Here we are again Happy as can be All good pals, and jolly good company Strolling round the town Happy on a spree All good pals and Jolly good company Never mind the weather Never mind the rain As long as we're together Whoops, we go again La-dee-dah-dee-dah You all right? Look, flamingos! THEO VOMITS Such good company You're all right.
You're all right.
Never mind the rain Now we're all together Come on.
Now, listen, listen.
Please tell me the trumpeter's name TRUMPET SOLO SONG ENDS We must never talk about this.
No, I will tell people.
EXPLOSION What's that? I fear it's fishermen using dynamite to kill fish.
That is so cruel and disgusting.
It's punishable by several years in prison, but they risk it anyway.
I expect you approve? As it's all hunting.
A fun day out.
I don't approve.
But I do approve of throwing people in the sea so they can learn their lesson! Now, I know we're here for a picnic, but you'll forgive me if we make a bit of a fuss of my eldest, Lawrence.
Of course.
Lawrence of Kerkyra.
BASIL LAUGHS Oh, that is tremendous.
It's a play on Lawrence of Arabia.
Yes, I know that.
Kerkyra is Greek for Corfu.
Yes, I know that.
I've been here since 1935! Larry! Oh.
That's good timing.
Looks like Gerry's had a swim already.
You just can't stop them, can you? KNOCKS ON DOOR You know, I wrote to Larry to tell him we were coming.
He's a writer.
Very avant-garde.
Oh, as you say in Greece, bloody rude! Ha! He's probably gone for a walk.
Larry! 'Dear Tribe of Durrells.
'Or, should I say, chere Tribu de Durrells.
'Greetings from Paris, where I'm now living.
'A passing yacht was heading for Italy, so I hopped aboard.
'A shame I couldn't say goodbye.
'But I know you will understand.
' The bastard's not here, is he? 'I had no money, but have badgered myself free lodging, 'as my exquisite, filthy novel 'has had some succes d'estime among the reliably-sexual French.
'It is wildly exciting here.
'To quote St Augustine, 'the world is a book, 'and those who do not travel read only one page.
' Turn it around again.
Larry may have drowned, of course.
I mean, I hope not.
So, Mrs Durrell.
How was your trip in the car? Generally pleasant.
Although I can't deny there are tensions.
I'm sorry you vomited over Leslie.
- Oh, you heard? - Yes, I apologise.
No, I'm sorry for you, not Leslie.
As a child, he was endlessly sick over me.
And then he'd usually go to bed and wet it.
12 years of rubber sheets.
Mrs Durrells.
Thank you for the excellent food.
Oh, well, there's no need to be so official.
Don't stop him saying nice things about cooking.
It never happens to me! What are they saying? I didn't hear Well, Spiros is always very complimentary to me.
It's hard to say the right thing.
EXPLOSION They're dynamiting fish! Stop that right now! Or you'll go to prison for several years! And I know, because I was in the Corfu police.
You absolute sods! Gerry, where did you learn that language? From Larry, and Leslie, and Margo, and you.
All right.
Only asking.
THEY SHOUT BACK Was that too specific? Knowing you, I'd imagine so.
THE FISHERMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING Oh! Oh, God.
Shoo! Shoo! Get off! Away! You see, this is why we should shoot animals.
Fear not, everyone.
Dimitra, do not worry your sensationally-pretty head.
I'm sure there will be a Taverna nearby, and all will be well.
Right, come on.
I'll keep this safe.
One push, and you and Spiros could live happily ever after.
Looks like it's here or nowhere.
Or we could get back in our vehicles and find somewhere else? No, let's not do that.
So, let's drink this now.
Dimitra, you are awash with good ideas.
No, it's a present, for Larry.
Wherever he is.
BOTTLE SMASHES Oh, Basil! That could have happened to anyone.
I think the phrase you're looking for is, "The drinks are on me.
" Go on, shoo.
Magazi.
SNORING BANGS TABLE Magazi! Oh! At last.
Enchantresses.
Mrs Durrell.
Pull up a bottom.
Just ignore him.
If he gives us any trouble, we'll have him ejected by the landlord.
Now, what can I serve you with, my dears? Well, in that case, we're leaving.
No, no, please.
We'll just stay for a pie and a drink.
Yes, yes, I do a lovely, er Well, it's all lovely, look.
You know this man? Captain Creech.
We meet about once a year, and something bad always happens.
Well, you're not getting any booze.
I should hope not.
He's 14.
Didn't stop me.
I done everything before I sprouted any body hair.
What are the chances of you being here? Well, as a matter of fact, I came to visit Larry.
A pleasure seeker, like myself.
And the chap that owned this offered me a very good deal.
So, where is he? I believe he's running a brothel in Albania.
No, Larry! Oh, oh! Er Paris! A different kind of paradise.
He can't have received my letter.
Oh, he didn't.
It's here.
I gave it a good read, obviously.
I was very sorry to hear your daughter Margo had jumped ship.
Bit of a mad one.
But you get a very appreciative mention.
That's a very personal subject! What did you write about Spiros in your letter? I imagine it was how precious he is.
And how lucky you are to have him.
Yes.
I am.
Yippee! Well, to show there's no hard feelings, I'd like to serve you all lunch.
Eight drachma a head.
Payable in advance.
Was it all excitement? No, it wasn't.
There were quiet years in the office.
SNORING In fact, there were quiet decades.
The 1900s.
They were rather quiet.
SNORING Um There's a tremendous amount of filing in insurance broking.
The risk of fire was always on our minds.
Come on.
Particularly during the, er, quiet decades, which I mentioned earlier.
All that paper going up.
But it, erm It never happened.
SOMEONE YAWNS I'm going to bring this to a halt now, a little early.
I think I may have overestimated just how interesting my life was.
POLITE APPLAUSE I loved that talk! I'm Margo Durrell, and I'm lucky enough to be Geoffrey's great-niece-in-law, or something.
Sit down.
But it shows that even the most grown up of us can lose confidence.
So, let me fill in for his shortened talk by describing my life on the Greek island of Corfu, where my widowed mother took us a few years ago to live.
My older brother Larry calls Britain Pudding Island.
Which he means meanly, but who in their right mind doesn't love pudding? But if Britain's a pudding, Corfu is, let's say .
.
a sensual platter of seafood, sun-kissed vegetables, and exploding fruit.
Here we are.
Wrap your gizzards round those, eh? He trained at the Savoy, you know.
So, Basil, what are you doing in this country? I'm on a long holiday, really.
Got some money set by.
Give it to me! - BASIL LAUGHS.
- Righty ho.
How would you like it, cash or cheque? Or I can do jewellery? What a saucy laugh.
Gerry, how was your zoo? Well, I want to open it to the public, but it's still not ready.
Oh, if you're looking for more critters, I've got two out the back that were left by some rather stupid sailors.
Oh, no, Gerry can't take any more.
Well, if you don't buy them, I shall probably eat them.
I've given the little shits fair warning.
Well, what are they? Oh, I don't know.
Badgers? You'll have to ask them yourself.
SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF What are you muttering? This is bad.
Husband and wife like this, strangers.
I'm going to go check on my boat.
All enjoying themselves? Ah! This is my friend Lefteris, who's a dab hand at the santouri! Would you like to be entertained? 10 drachma.
Right.
10 drachma not to play.
CHATTER OUTSIDE 'Much as I enjoin everyone to travel, 'there is a melancholy that you carry in your suitcase 'like a pair of weighty boots.
'The joy of belonging.
'To family, friends, home.
'In exchange for the uncertainties of a lunatic, unchartered world.
'I'm drinking a bottle of Bordeaux I've just nicked, 'so this letter could be long and somewhat free-form.
' Oi! Bugger off away from our boat! I have friends in the Corfu Police Force! So you are playing with fire! Yes, I should think so! HE YELLS So, this is how they braid their hair in the Ionian Islands.
Whereas in Turkey My last boyfriend was from Izmir.
.
.
they prefer something more like this.
Is this too much? I think we're all far too conservative, don't you? Well, I've been thinking for some time of going Titian.
Or blonde.
Or you could jump straight to white hair.
So, Margo You're a trained beauty advisor? Self-taught.
I find that so much more creative.
After all, nobody teaches one how to make love.
THE CROWD GIGGLE SHYLY No, I'm toying with formal training, but I'm finding out a lot about myself, so my future may lie elsewhere.
Margo's staying in our home.
She is very much part of Prue's and my gang.
We helped her through her ugly spotty stage.
And that's positively Macedonian.
HE PLAYS TUNELESSLY So, what else can go wrong today? Let's see what the day brings, shall we? Out of darkness comes light.
SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY What darkness have you in your life? Healthy children, your English money.
Oh, well My husband died, leaving me with four actually rather troubled children.
Eh? We have never had any money.
We came here so that we could live cheaply.
But tell me about yourself.
What makes you unhappy? Er Being bored.
Well, it's hard to imagine being bored with Spiros.
Oh, you will be surprised.
(What are they saying?) (I wish they'd argue in English.
) (He says she doesn't like him much any more.
) (Well, she is quite hard work.
) To be fair, she has entered the lion's den.
You are all quite intimidating.
No, we're not! Idiot.
Right.
Who wants to sing along to the Well, the weird instrument? Anyone? There we are, boy.
All yours for, er 25 drachma.
Bush babies.
Skunks.
Stand aside.
Lemurs.
From Madagascar.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at them.
What do they eat? Anything not cooked by Creech.
BASIL: They're not interested in the food.
Oh, my goodness.
Don't panic, Dimitra.
I can't look.
DOOR OPENS Shut the door! - Keep them in.
- All right! All right! Right, you win.
Stop playing.
- Did you not hear the explosion? - What? No.
They've blown up the Sea Cow.
Oh, darling, you loved that boat.
We must all go home in the car.
Will this be all right? Well, it's not built for eight people, a dog, and two weasels.
You should take it slowly.
You think? Thank you.
Slowly's a good idea.
I've never sat on a man's lap before.
How are you finding it? Disconcerting.
Think of Basil as Father Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho, little boy.
I'll try standing up.
What a chance to get to know each other even better.
We already know each other well enough.
ENGINE STUTTERS ENGINE STARTS MAN SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE Hello, darling.
Oh, no, I don't believe this.
We have to wait.
She's overheating.
The car, or your wife? Sorry.
I'm upset about my boat.
I apologise, Dimitra.
It was supposed to be such a lovely day.
Well, it's brilliant now I've got two lemurs.
To be honest, apart from meeting the vivacious Dimitra, it's far from brilliant.
Lunch cost me the equivalent of £800.
You did smash Larry's very expensive bottle of champagne.
If you'd communicated properly with your son in the first place, we wouldn't have been on this wild goose chase.
But otherwise, what a nice day Mr Theodoros was sick on Leslie's lap.
Then my boat was blown up.
So I've had the worst day! I'm always the victim.
For the record, you did push Gerry into the sea with his clothes on.
Well, all right.
But apart from all that, what a nice day.
I'm going to walk home.
(What are they saying?) (I don't want to tell you.
) Everyone, I'm sorry you had to see my private problems.
I spoiled your day.
No.
You really didn't.
Well done, dear.
You took Lytchett Matravers by storm with your improvised ramblings.
People are so nice here.
I think I'll stay in the area for a bit.
Are people not nice in Greece? Yes, they are, but I love the fact that in England, people speak English.
KNOCK AT DOOR - We wouldn't have it any other way, would we, dear? - No.
It sounds obvious, but today I realised that the key to confidence is being able to express one's self.
I feel I can do anything now.
Hello again.
I was walking home, and I realised we might be able to help each other.
- Oh? - My daughter Maud's governess had to leave suddenly.
And I was wondering if you could take over? Gosh.
You have, well, the oomph that my daughter needs.
I would love to be a governess.
Oh, how splendid.
Here's Maud.
Maud, this is Miss Durrell.
Hello, Maud.
Lovely eyes, strong teeth, firm calves.
Stop now.
Well, I'm not saying that Dimitra could do better than Spiros What a bloody woman.
If she was that brilliant .
.
they wouldn't be sucking the life out of each other.
She can suck the life out of me whenever she likes.
Well, she won't be rushing to join us on another picnic, except to maybe sprinkle arsenic on the cheese straws.
That's the best thing about my husband dying young.
We never had time to irritate the hell out of each other.
Excuse my hair.
It fell out.
I have syphilis.
Ooh.
Did she say she has syphilis? Yes.
Yes, she did.
Right, well, I'm going for a swim.
Not now, Gerry.
This is so exciting.
Please could we put a limit on the number of animals in the house.
Er Ta leme.
Marvellous.
Now that will be all round Corfu.
What will? That this house is a freak show.
'So, to sum up, 'this is the difference between our triangle of nations.
'The English live in the past, 'the Greeks live in the present, 'and the French live in 'France.
'Ba-boom.
I thank you.
'There is much chatter here in Paris of impending war, 'which makes me miss you even more.
'Margo in England will be insulated from such fears 'thanks to the good old British refusal 'to acknowledge that the rest of the world matters, 'or even exists.
' 'My talk in the village hall went very well.
'Though people are, of course, 'shy of coming forward to express praise or interest.
'Now I am retired, 'my life stretches forward like '.
.
an open road, 'with my trusty mucker Prue beside me, 'and nothing to hold us back, 'except our imaginations.
' 'Dear Cousin Louisa.
'The weather has been up to its old tricks over the past week.
'Choosing a hat has been little short of a nightmare.
'I'm used to wind, 'but our old friend sleet raised its ugly head on Tuesday.
' 'I seem to have a job.
'As a governess.
'Yes, I know - very Jane Austen.
'To a child called Maud, 'who looks like she killed and probably ate my predecessor.
'But I feel armed and ready, 'having grown up in a family 'who, I now realise, have steeled me 'in the art of self-reliance '.
.
by never letting me get away with anything.
' LOUISA: 'Dear Margo.
'We spent the day travelling, 'and I was reminded why people stay at home.
'I hope Cousin Prue and Geoffrey are not making you feel the same.
'Please resist the urge to poison them.
'If they are, 'please resist the urge to club them to death with their own fire tongs.
'We went on a picnic today and learnt at least two things.
'Goats appear from nowhere.
'And there is no corner of the world safe from Captain Creech.
' So? Are we going to talk about Spiros and his wife, and you, or just pretend today didn't happen? Oh, darling, I'm so sorry about you and your blown-up boat.
You know, you mustn't - No, no.
- Answer the question.
I'm glad I met Dimitra properly.
In her absence, she'd become such a bogeywoman, and of course, she isn't.
She scared me.
Wouldn't fancy your chances in a fistfight, would you? I think I'd do all right.
I went to a tough boarding school.
She's no different from me, really.
Well, you're not going to say it, so I will.
Their marriage is in trouble, and if you play your cards right, you could be with Spiros.
We are all foreign, and we need to work hard to be accepted.
My friend has a new motorbike.
Well, let's hope he doesn't fall off it and die! What do you think you're doing? I had the same question for you.
How can we make people here like us more? Come to the Panegyri festival.
You sent me in there to clear the way for your mother to be with Spiros.
Kalimera, Miss Durrells.
I don't think you have met my wife, Dimitra.
No.
No, I have er seen you in the distance.
How nice to finally meet you.
Ah, you speak English.
Spiros taught me.
He loves the English.
And I love the Greeks.
Thank you for letting us see so much of Spiros since we lived here.
Thank you for paying him.
Oh, he means much more to us than that.
Well, we must let you go.
Yes, I'm just buying for a picnic.
So that's nice.
You must come along.
Anyway Oh, thank you.
We will.
When? Another top-notch lunch at the Durrell guesthouse.
You may applaud.
OWL SCREECHES SHEEP BLEATS No lunch for me Luga Er, what is it? ALL: Retzia.
I tell you every day.
How am I supposed to remember a name like Luga, er ALL: Retzia.
As an aide-memoire, it rhymes with I shall call you Jill.
KNOCK AT DOOR - Kalimera.
- Ah, Kalimera.
OWL SCREECHES Er Yes.
Lawrence Durrell, Tasos Koskinas.
The White House.
Kalami! And Miss Margo Durrell, C/O Geoffrey and Prudence, England! England! - Morning, Miss.
- Morning.
Argh! Arghh! Sodding, ruddy argh! - Hello.
- Hello.
Gerald Durrell? Yes.
How can I help? I have this for you.
Pogona vitticeps.
Wonderful.
I like how lizards can amputate their tail to shake off a predator.
And the detached tail keeps on wiggling to confuse the other animal.
Why did you bring him to me? You love animals.
People tell me.
Keep.
No.
No, you keep.
Find out all about him, show all your friends, and then let him go.
I like them here for a while, but they're better off under the sky.
SINGING IN THE DISTANCE Hold your hand out, naughty boy Hold your hand out, naughty boy! Though SOME are better kept indoors.
Hello, Auntie.
Uncle.
What? Did you not get my letter? No.
What did it say? That I was coming to stay.
I don't really know anyone else in England now Aunt Hermione's died.
I haven't been here since I was 15.
Sorry, have you got a full house? No.
But it'll take a massive amount of organising.
I can go to London, if you'd prefer.
No, you'd better come in.
Great.
It's a bit of a surprise, that's all.
We're creatures of habit.
I've often thought that without habit, Prue and I would scurry around like headless chickens.
It's like a tiny museum.
Oh, sorry, that was probably rude.
Why have you left Greece? - Is it because it's abroad? - No.
I want to find myself.
I'm sorry.
What, dear? I suppose I would like to learn to be confident by being more normal.
- Good.
- That's the ticket.
Not that being normal is everything.
- Well, I think it is.
- Yes.
How's your mother? We enjoyed seeing her last year in London.
Well, not exactly 'enjoyed'.
No.
Not 'enjoyed'.
We're sailing up the coast on Saturday, to visit Larry, and have a picnic.
Be careful.
The sea is a grave made of water.
I'd love to read your dictionary definitions.
Hey, come with us.
You know, not to work, but as a guest.
Me? Yeah, well, after all these years here, you're family now.
Should I go and talk to her? Yes.
KNOCK AT DOOR I know.
I hate shopping, too.
No.
I just met Spiros' wife for the first time.
I was in a shop.
And she came in, with Spiros.
Four years without meeting, and now she starts going shopping! What did you say? I invited her and Spiros on our picnic, and she said yes.
What? Why?! I was being polite and friendly.
HE GROANS Well, she obviously wants to get a proper look at you.
You and Spiros aren't talking, but want to.
This is actually good.
No, Leslie.
It's actually bad.
It'll be awkward, and painful.
And Dimitra will turn up with her trump cards, her children.
Not literally.
They're away, in Athens.
And her sultry Greekness.
And above all, her unattainable, quietly-lovely husband.
Well, I'll respect them as a married couple, we'll have a nice day, I won't compare us, or judge her, nor she me, or interfere in any way.
What's your favourite sandwich? What a super day in prospect.
I've brought my swimming costume.
I have quite an impressive cannonball in my arsenal.
CAR HORN Right.
Everything's fine.
Everyone relax.
Nothing strange or unusual happening.
Hello.
Spiros! Dimitra, this is Leslie Durrell.
Ah, you.
How lovely.
Again.
Twice in one week.
We are becoming old friends.
This is my other son, Gerry.
- The animal boy.
- Well, I wouldn't call him Yes, I'm happy with that.
You must know Theo? HE SPEAKS GREEK SHE REPLIES IN GREEK And this is Basil.
And Lugaretzia, who is just recovering from one of her illnesses.
PELICAN FLAPS Please.
- Do they bite? - Yes.
CONVERSATION IN GREEK Why did you let your wife say yes to coming on this trip? Why did you invite her? I panicked.
She's been this big absent figure in my life for so long, and then, suddenly there she was, by the hanging cheeses.
You and I have done nothing wrong.
I know.
Why are you telling me that? Maybe you and she will hit it on.
Hit it off.
You see? When I get nervous, my English goes to pot.
Goes to pot? Yes.
Right, listen up, everyone.
There are eight of us, plus the stupid dog.
You're a stupid dog.
And transport is one boat, and one motorcar.
Now, Lugaretzia gets car sick.
Well, she gets seasick as well, actually, but it's easy to be sick in the sea.
I also suffer from seasickness, in fact.
Theo! Theo is perfect in every way.
No! Now, Mrs Hakiopulos That's a bit of a mouthful, isn't it? No.
Right, well, I have you down for the boat.
No, I go in my husband's car.
Car.
I'm happy to go in the boat.
Roger and I will sail.
See if we can look out for loggerhead turtles.
That's five sailing, and only three in the motorcar.
Hmm, not ideal.
Um Mother, you may as well go in the car.
TICKING CLOCK 'Dear Mother, Les, and the boy, 'I am sitting in Prue and Geoffrey's living room.
'Either the clock is very loud, or Dorset is very quiet.
' Do come along to the talk I'm giving this morning, Margo.
You'll be entertained royally.
Thank you, beloved.
What is the title of the talk? "My life as an insurance broker.
" Hmm What is that? Insurance broking is Don't tell her yet! Keep your powder dry.
Indubitably.
'Your cousin Prue and Geoffrey 'are the most peculiar people I've ever met.
'I may be more normal than I thought.
' Of course, if it wasn't for Basil losing Aunt Hermione's legacy, we'd have retired to a life in clover.
Calm now, or you'll stab yourself with your knitting needle again.
You know Basil's staying in our guesthouse now? Yes.
I do.
Look, you've bent it now.
Oh, leave me alone! I thought Basil was a homosexual, like Sven, mother's first boyfriend on Corfu, but he turned out to be in love with her and bought her a little bridge, mistakenly thinking it was one of her favourite things.
It's all true.
Don't try and make me look like the weird one.
You're looking rather anxious, Spiros.
Why is that? I have a precious cargo.
You're very sweet.
I don't mean you.
I love your dress, Dimitra.
Thank you.
And I love yours.
I love your trousers, Spiros(!) You're very funny, Basil.
Does Spiros often take you out for drives? Only when we first met.
When he was trying to impress me.
What are you saying? My Greek's coming along well.
I know what they said.
HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH Any better, Theo? - I'd rather be in the car.
- Yeah, sorry about that, I thought Mother and Mrs Spiros should get to know each other better.
Fine.
But Basil must die.
We will die first.
Drowned.
Cheer up, everyone.
We'll have a nice big lunch, and then SHE GROANS And then we'll see Larry again.
- That's not like you, Leslie.
- Well, I miss him.
I miss his ugly face.
Oh! Theo, look! Here we are again Happy as can be All good pals, and jolly good company Strolling round the town Happy on a spree All good pals and Jolly good company Never mind the weather Never mind the rain As long as we're together Whoops, we go again La-dee-dah-dee-dah You all right? Look, flamingos! THEO VOMITS Such good company You're all right.
You're all right.
Never mind the rain Now we're all together Come on.
Now, listen, listen.
Please tell me the trumpeter's name TRUMPET SOLO SONG ENDS We must never talk about this.
No, I will tell people.
EXPLOSION What's that? I fear it's fishermen using dynamite to kill fish.
That is so cruel and disgusting.
It's punishable by several years in prison, but they risk it anyway.
I expect you approve? As it's all hunting.
A fun day out.
I don't approve.
But I do approve of throwing people in the sea so they can learn their lesson! Now, I know we're here for a picnic, but you'll forgive me if we make a bit of a fuss of my eldest, Lawrence.
Of course.
Lawrence of Kerkyra.
BASIL LAUGHS Oh, that is tremendous.
It's a play on Lawrence of Arabia.
Yes, I know that.
Kerkyra is Greek for Corfu.
Yes, I know that.
I've been here since 1935! Larry! Oh.
That's good timing.
Looks like Gerry's had a swim already.
You just can't stop them, can you? KNOCKS ON DOOR You know, I wrote to Larry to tell him we were coming.
He's a writer.
Very avant-garde.
Oh, as you say in Greece, bloody rude! Ha! He's probably gone for a walk.
Larry! 'Dear Tribe of Durrells.
'Or, should I say, chere Tribu de Durrells.
'Greetings from Paris, where I'm now living.
'A passing yacht was heading for Italy, so I hopped aboard.
'A shame I couldn't say goodbye.
'But I know you will understand.
' The bastard's not here, is he? 'I had no money, but have badgered myself free lodging, 'as my exquisite, filthy novel 'has had some succes d'estime among the reliably-sexual French.
'It is wildly exciting here.
'To quote St Augustine, 'the world is a book, 'and those who do not travel read only one page.
' Turn it around again.
Larry may have drowned, of course.
I mean, I hope not.
So, Mrs Durrell.
How was your trip in the car? Generally pleasant.
Although I can't deny there are tensions.
I'm sorry you vomited over Leslie.
- Oh, you heard? - Yes, I apologise.
No, I'm sorry for you, not Leslie.
As a child, he was endlessly sick over me.
And then he'd usually go to bed and wet it.
12 years of rubber sheets.
Mrs Durrells.
Thank you for the excellent food.
Oh, well, there's no need to be so official.
Don't stop him saying nice things about cooking.
It never happens to me! What are they saying? I didn't hear Well, Spiros is always very complimentary to me.
It's hard to say the right thing.
EXPLOSION They're dynamiting fish! Stop that right now! Or you'll go to prison for several years! And I know, because I was in the Corfu police.
You absolute sods! Gerry, where did you learn that language? From Larry, and Leslie, and Margo, and you.
All right.
Only asking.
THEY SHOUT BACK Was that too specific? Knowing you, I'd imagine so.
THE FISHERMEN CONTINUE SHOUTING Oh! Oh, God.
Shoo! Shoo! Get off! Away! You see, this is why we should shoot animals.
Fear not, everyone.
Dimitra, do not worry your sensationally-pretty head.
I'm sure there will be a Taverna nearby, and all will be well.
Right, come on.
I'll keep this safe.
One push, and you and Spiros could live happily ever after.
Looks like it's here or nowhere.
Or we could get back in our vehicles and find somewhere else? No, let's not do that.
So, let's drink this now.
Dimitra, you are awash with good ideas.
No, it's a present, for Larry.
Wherever he is.
BOTTLE SMASHES Oh, Basil! That could have happened to anyone.
I think the phrase you're looking for is, "The drinks are on me.
" Go on, shoo.
Magazi.
SNORING BANGS TABLE Magazi! Oh! At last.
Enchantresses.
Mrs Durrell.
Pull up a bottom.
Just ignore him.
If he gives us any trouble, we'll have him ejected by the landlord.
Now, what can I serve you with, my dears? Well, in that case, we're leaving.
No, no, please.
We'll just stay for a pie and a drink.
Yes, yes, I do a lovely, er Well, it's all lovely, look.
You know this man? Captain Creech.
We meet about once a year, and something bad always happens.
Well, you're not getting any booze.
I should hope not.
He's 14.
Didn't stop me.
I done everything before I sprouted any body hair.
What are the chances of you being here? Well, as a matter of fact, I came to visit Larry.
A pleasure seeker, like myself.
And the chap that owned this offered me a very good deal.
So, where is he? I believe he's running a brothel in Albania.
No, Larry! Oh, oh! Er Paris! A different kind of paradise.
He can't have received my letter.
Oh, he didn't.
It's here.
I gave it a good read, obviously.
I was very sorry to hear your daughter Margo had jumped ship.
Bit of a mad one.
But you get a very appreciative mention.
That's a very personal subject! What did you write about Spiros in your letter? I imagine it was how precious he is.
And how lucky you are to have him.
Yes.
I am.
Yippee! Well, to show there's no hard feelings, I'd like to serve you all lunch.
Eight drachma a head.
Payable in advance.
Was it all excitement? No, it wasn't.
There were quiet years in the office.
SNORING In fact, there were quiet decades.
The 1900s.
They were rather quiet.
SNORING Um There's a tremendous amount of filing in insurance broking.
The risk of fire was always on our minds.
Come on.
Particularly during the, er, quiet decades, which I mentioned earlier.
All that paper going up.
But it, erm It never happened.
SOMEONE YAWNS I'm going to bring this to a halt now, a little early.
I think I may have overestimated just how interesting my life was.
POLITE APPLAUSE I loved that talk! I'm Margo Durrell, and I'm lucky enough to be Geoffrey's great-niece-in-law, or something.
Sit down.
But it shows that even the most grown up of us can lose confidence.
So, let me fill in for his shortened talk by describing my life on the Greek island of Corfu, where my widowed mother took us a few years ago to live.
My older brother Larry calls Britain Pudding Island.
Which he means meanly, but who in their right mind doesn't love pudding? But if Britain's a pudding, Corfu is, let's say .
.
a sensual platter of seafood, sun-kissed vegetables, and exploding fruit.
Here we are.
Wrap your gizzards round those, eh? He trained at the Savoy, you know.
So, Basil, what are you doing in this country? I'm on a long holiday, really.
Got some money set by.
Give it to me! - BASIL LAUGHS.
- Righty ho.
How would you like it, cash or cheque? Or I can do jewellery? What a saucy laugh.
Gerry, how was your zoo? Well, I want to open it to the public, but it's still not ready.
Oh, if you're looking for more critters, I've got two out the back that were left by some rather stupid sailors.
Oh, no, Gerry can't take any more.
Well, if you don't buy them, I shall probably eat them.
I've given the little shits fair warning.
Well, what are they? Oh, I don't know.
Badgers? You'll have to ask them yourself.
SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF What are you muttering? This is bad.
Husband and wife like this, strangers.
I'm going to go check on my boat.
All enjoying themselves? Ah! This is my friend Lefteris, who's a dab hand at the santouri! Would you like to be entertained? 10 drachma.
Right.
10 drachma not to play.
CHATTER OUTSIDE 'Much as I enjoin everyone to travel, 'there is a melancholy that you carry in your suitcase 'like a pair of weighty boots.
'The joy of belonging.
'To family, friends, home.
'In exchange for the uncertainties of a lunatic, unchartered world.
'I'm drinking a bottle of Bordeaux I've just nicked, 'so this letter could be long and somewhat free-form.
' Oi! Bugger off away from our boat! I have friends in the Corfu Police Force! So you are playing with fire! Yes, I should think so! HE YELLS So, this is how they braid their hair in the Ionian Islands.
Whereas in Turkey My last boyfriend was from Izmir.
.
.
they prefer something more like this.
Is this too much? I think we're all far too conservative, don't you? Well, I've been thinking for some time of going Titian.
Or blonde.
Or you could jump straight to white hair.
So, Margo You're a trained beauty advisor? Self-taught.
I find that so much more creative.
After all, nobody teaches one how to make love.
THE CROWD GIGGLE SHYLY No, I'm toying with formal training, but I'm finding out a lot about myself, so my future may lie elsewhere.
Margo's staying in our home.
She is very much part of Prue's and my gang.
We helped her through her ugly spotty stage.
And that's positively Macedonian.
HE PLAYS TUNELESSLY So, what else can go wrong today? Let's see what the day brings, shall we? Out of darkness comes light.
SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY What darkness have you in your life? Healthy children, your English money.
Oh, well My husband died, leaving me with four actually rather troubled children.
Eh? We have never had any money.
We came here so that we could live cheaply.
But tell me about yourself.
What makes you unhappy? Er Being bored.
Well, it's hard to imagine being bored with Spiros.
Oh, you will be surprised.
(What are they saying?) (I wish they'd argue in English.
) (He says she doesn't like him much any more.
) (Well, she is quite hard work.
) To be fair, she has entered the lion's den.
You are all quite intimidating.
No, we're not! Idiot.
Right.
Who wants to sing along to the Well, the weird instrument? Anyone? There we are, boy.
All yours for, er 25 drachma.
Bush babies.
Skunks.
Stand aside.
Lemurs.
From Madagascar.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at them.
What do they eat? Anything not cooked by Creech.
BASIL: They're not interested in the food.
Oh, my goodness.
Don't panic, Dimitra.
I can't look.
DOOR OPENS Shut the door! - Keep them in.
- All right! All right! Right, you win.
Stop playing.
- Did you not hear the explosion? - What? No.
They've blown up the Sea Cow.
Oh, darling, you loved that boat.
We must all go home in the car.
Will this be all right? Well, it's not built for eight people, a dog, and two weasels.
You should take it slowly.
You think? Thank you.
Slowly's a good idea.
I've never sat on a man's lap before.
How are you finding it? Disconcerting.
Think of Basil as Father Christmas.
Ho-ho-ho, little boy.
I'll try standing up.
What a chance to get to know each other even better.
We already know each other well enough.
ENGINE STUTTERS ENGINE STARTS MAN SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE Hello, darling.
Oh, no, I don't believe this.
We have to wait.
She's overheating.
The car, or your wife? Sorry.
I'm upset about my boat.
I apologise, Dimitra.
It was supposed to be such a lovely day.
Well, it's brilliant now I've got two lemurs.
To be honest, apart from meeting the vivacious Dimitra, it's far from brilliant.
Lunch cost me the equivalent of £800.
You did smash Larry's very expensive bottle of champagne.
If you'd communicated properly with your son in the first place, we wouldn't have been on this wild goose chase.
But otherwise, what a nice day Mr Theodoros was sick on Leslie's lap.
Then my boat was blown up.
So I've had the worst day! I'm always the victim.
For the record, you did push Gerry into the sea with his clothes on.
Well, all right.
But apart from all that, what a nice day.
I'm going to walk home.
(What are they saying?) (I don't want to tell you.
) Everyone, I'm sorry you had to see my private problems.
I spoiled your day.
No.
You really didn't.
Well done, dear.
You took Lytchett Matravers by storm with your improvised ramblings.
People are so nice here.
I think I'll stay in the area for a bit.
Are people not nice in Greece? Yes, they are, but I love the fact that in England, people speak English.
KNOCK AT DOOR - We wouldn't have it any other way, would we, dear? - No.
It sounds obvious, but today I realised that the key to confidence is being able to express one's self.
I feel I can do anything now.
Hello again.
I was walking home, and I realised we might be able to help each other.
- Oh? - My daughter Maud's governess had to leave suddenly.
And I was wondering if you could take over? Gosh.
You have, well, the oomph that my daughter needs.
I would love to be a governess.
Oh, how splendid.
Here's Maud.
Maud, this is Miss Durrell.
Hello, Maud.
Lovely eyes, strong teeth, firm calves.
Stop now.
Well, I'm not saying that Dimitra could do better than Spiros What a bloody woman.
If she was that brilliant .
.
they wouldn't be sucking the life out of each other.
She can suck the life out of me whenever she likes.
Well, she won't be rushing to join us on another picnic, except to maybe sprinkle arsenic on the cheese straws.
That's the best thing about my husband dying young.
We never had time to irritate the hell out of each other.
Excuse my hair.
It fell out.
I have syphilis.
Ooh.
Did she say she has syphilis? Yes.
Yes, she did.
Right, well, I'm going for a swim.
Not now, Gerry.
This is so exciting.
Please could we put a limit on the number of animals in the house.
Er Ta leme.
Marvellous.
Now that will be all round Corfu.
What will? That this house is a freak show.
'So, to sum up, 'this is the difference between our triangle of nations.
'The English live in the past, 'the Greeks live in the present, 'and the French live in 'France.
'Ba-boom.
I thank you.
'There is much chatter here in Paris of impending war, 'which makes me miss you even more.
'Margo in England will be insulated from such fears 'thanks to the good old British refusal 'to acknowledge that the rest of the world matters, 'or even exists.
' 'My talk in the village hall went very well.
'Though people are, of course, 'shy of coming forward to express praise or interest.
'Now I am retired, 'my life stretches forward like '.
.
an open road, 'with my trusty mucker Prue beside me, 'and nothing to hold us back, 'except our imaginations.
' 'Dear Cousin Louisa.
'The weather has been up to its old tricks over the past week.
'Choosing a hat has been little short of a nightmare.
'I'm used to wind, 'but our old friend sleet raised its ugly head on Tuesday.
' 'I seem to have a job.
'As a governess.
'Yes, I know - very Jane Austen.
'To a child called Maud, 'who looks like she killed and probably ate my predecessor.
'But I feel armed and ready, 'having grown up in a family 'who, I now realise, have steeled me 'in the art of self-reliance '.
.
by never letting me get away with anything.
' LOUISA: 'Dear Margo.
'We spent the day travelling, 'and I was reminded why people stay at home.
'I hope Cousin Prue and Geoffrey are not making you feel the same.
'Please resist the urge to poison them.
'If they are, 'please resist the urge to club them to death with their own fire tongs.
'We went on a picnic today and learnt at least two things.
'Goats appear from nowhere.
'And there is no corner of the world safe from Captain Creech.
' So? Are we going to talk about Spiros and his wife, and you, or just pretend today didn't happen? Oh, darling, I'm so sorry about you and your blown-up boat.
You know, you mustn't - No, no.
- Answer the question.
I'm glad I met Dimitra properly.
In her absence, she'd become such a bogeywoman, and of course, she isn't.
She scared me.
Wouldn't fancy your chances in a fistfight, would you? I think I'd do all right.
I went to a tough boarding school.
She's no different from me, really.
Well, you're not going to say it, so I will.
Their marriage is in trouble, and if you play your cards right, you could be with Spiros.
We are all foreign, and we need to work hard to be accepted.
My friend has a new motorbike.
Well, let's hope he doesn't fall off it and die! What do you think you're doing? I had the same question for you.
How can we make people here like us more? Come to the Panegyri festival.
You sent me in there to clear the way for your mother to be with Spiros.