The Exes (2011) s04e03 Episode Script

Haskell, you simply must try this ravioli.
I suggested that the chef add pecans to the beurre blanc sauce.
It's gone from uninspired to sublime.
Save it for your diary, Gladys.
I'm just trying to enhance the dining experience around here.
Not that I'm looking for any credit.
Are you enjoying that, sir? That's my sauce in your mouth.
- Hey, Eden.
- Hey.
I just left Holly.
She is off on another date.
Mm, still hell bent on finding a husband in six months? Mm-hmm, yeah, and the search is gonna kill me.
"Eden, talk me up to that guy.
Eden, find out if he's single.
Eden, pull up my spanx.
I'm taking another lap.
" You'd think that little desert rose would have been hitched by now.
Well, who knows? I mean, you know, maybe it'll all be worth it.
Maybe this guy is the one.
Well, that was a bust.
I just left you five minutes ago.
What could possibly have gone wrong? He tooted and blamed me.
- Who's next, Eden? - There is no next.
- What? - There has to be a next.
I'm getting married at the lake house in six months.
I need men.
I need them now.
You know what your problem is? - Tread lightly, my friend.
- Oh.
You want to meet men? You go where they hang out.
Your sports bars, your race tracks, your prostate awareness fairs.
Or, perhaps, uh, the learning annex.
Yeah, last month, I took a class on the history of German opera.
It was wall-to-wall men.
What opera was it? Der-sausage-fest? You know, Janice in accounting met her husband there in a bicycle repair class.
Ooh, and she's older than dirt.
Actually, she's just a few years Enough about Janice.
All right, let's go to the learning annex.
- Mama needs a husband.
- Why do I have to go? Because I need you to talk me up to the guys, you know, make them excited about meeting me.
What am I, a carnival barker? "Step right up! Meet the tallest, most available woman in the world!" All right, come on.
Ooh, Holly, Eden.
Eden, I gotta Move or marry me! Take your pick.
Stepping aside.
Guys, guys, I've got great news.
I just got asked to be a guest on fair catch.
Oh, way to go! Bravo, Phil.
That's a big deal.
They want an agent to take on the draft, so they asked Phil Chase of the Phil Chase agency, which is pretty exciting because, you know, I'm Phil Chase.
Hey, if you need some on-air tips, I mean, during my bowling days, I was a much sought-after interview.
Yeah, it's all about making love to the camera.
Yeah, some were mesmerized and others cancelled their cable.
Okay, well, I ain't gonna do that! Hey, uh, let's celebrate! Yes.
And what better way than with some ravioli? No, I was thinking more like cristal.
Mm-hmm, which would pair wonderfully with this droll yet whimsical ravioli.
- Come on, take a bite.
- No.
- Just try it.
- I don't wanna.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- All right.
Ow! - What's wrong? - I think I broke a tooth.
What kind of idiot puts nuts in ravioli? I would answer, but I think it's best if the idiot speaks for himself.
All right, let me see.
Smile.
Oh.
Okay, uh, we better get you to my office.
What? How bad is it? I've seen worse.
On what? A pumpkin? Ah, here we are.
"How to barbecue like a pro.
" This place will be crawling with men.
- How do I look? - Desperate.
Perfect.
This is no time for subtlety.
In fact, I'm gonna slap on another layer of lip gloss.
Men like shiny.
Okay, well, don't overdo it.
You're trying to sell hot blonde, not hot mess.
If everyone will please take a seat, we'll get started.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- You're new here.
- Yeah.
I'm so psyched to take this class.
Welcome to grief support for spouses.
I'm Wendy Taylor, and for those of you new to our group, we're glad you're here.
Oh, I should go.
I don't belong here.
We all feel that way at first.
Just give it a chance.
So, who would like to start? I'll go.
This morning, I woke up, and for the first time, I didn't think about my wife.
I feel like I'm finally ready to move on, meet someone, and one day get married.
Well, it would be rude just to leave.
Because of all your help and support, I'm finally in a place where I can say good-bye to my beloved wife, Lisa.
Good-bye, Lisa.
So long, Lisa.
Thank you, Jeff.
We are all very happy for you.
Would our newcomer like to share? Me? No.
No, I'm good.
Who's next? Don't be scared.
I'm here for you.
My husband's dead.
Dead as a doornail.
Good morning, my little blonde confection.
What the hell happened last night? You ditched me in that barbecue class.
At least you had all the guys to yourself.
What guys? You weren't the only one with the bright idea to take that class to meet men.
Okay? I was stuck with 15 bitter women pounding the crap out of a flank steak.
Eden, I met someone.
He's gorgeous and sensitive, and the cherry on the sundae is his wife is dead.
What? When I left you, you were in the hallway slathering on lip gloss.
Where did you meet this guy? In my grief support group.
What did you do? Nothing much.
Look.
I followed a really cute guy into a class and he started talking about his dead wife and how he was ready to get married again.
Oh, no, please don't tell me that you passed yourself off as a widow.
Have a little empathy, Eden.
You're talking to a woman who just lost her husband in an avalanche! Oh, my god! This is insane even for you.
You know, sooner or later, you're gonna have to - tell him the truth.
- Oh, I plan on it.
On our honeymoon in St.
Bart's.
Your honeymoon in St.
Bart's? Well, we're certainly not going skiing.
I already lost one husband to that damn mountain! I'm not losing another! Ah, there he is.
How's my brave little patient this morning? Great! Awethome.
Why am I thaying "awethome"? Why am I thaying "thaying"? Oh, my god, why am I lithping! Calm down.
I put a cap on your tooth.
Sometimes it takes a little while for the tongue to adjust.
Well, how long'th a while? I can't go on TV thounding like thindy Brady.
Don't worry.
You'll be fine by tomorrow.
If you want something to really be upset about, wait till you get my bill.
Jokesth! He's making jokesth! Phil, perhaps I can be of assistance.
It just so happens that I had a lisp as a child.
- You did? - Oh, yes.
I still have the scars of my youth The mocking, the taunting, the laughing in my face.
Mother could be so cruel.
I'm thorry, Haskell, that thuckth.
It just made me all the more determined to lose my lisp.
I discovered that if I practiced s-words, that I could train my tongue to speak properly.
Now, repeat after me: Silly Sally saw a silver seashell on the Sandy seaside sparkling in the sun.
Thilly thally thaw a thilver theashell on the thandy theathide thparkling in the thun.
Mother was right.
It's hilarious! That's so crazy! Hey, Holly.
Oh, hi, Jeff.
Thanks for meeting me.
Of course.
So what's up? Well, I know that group isn't until tomorrow, but I just I felt like I needed some extra comfort.
I mean, I feel so alone.
You must have loved him very much.
Who? Your husband.
Oh, yes, of course, my husband, yes.
You know, sometimes I just want to forget about him.
Does that make me a horrible person? No! No, no, no, no.
It makes you human.
We each process grief in our own way and in our own time.
I mean, it took me years to get over lisa.
Years? I don't have that kind of time.
I mean, that's not what my husband would have wanted.
In fact, I'll never forget his dying words.
I thought he died in an avalanche.
Yes.
Yes, he did.
But thanks to an intrepid Saint Bernard Who was able to clear the snow from his mouth, I got to hear him say, "Holly, you are an amazing, "brilliant woman who is incredible in bed.
"Don't mourn me.
Find someone.
"Fall in love.
Get married.
Brr.
" You know, Holly, in a way, you remind me of lisa.
- Do I really? - Yeah.
She was funny, and beautiful, strong, just like you.
Aww.
Would you like to see a picture? - Sure.
- Hmm.
Oh, she's lovely.
Anyway, life goes on.
Do you have a picture? Of who? Oh, my husband! Yes, of course I do.
Why wouldn't I? May I see it? Sure.
Oh Oh, that'll work.
My Stuart on new year's Eve.
Oh, my god! That's Stuart Gardner! He's my dentist, and he's dead! Oh, I'm so sorry, Holly.
I'm just so shocked.
Not as shocked as I am.
So, today's the big day.
How's my star pupil? Lay it on me.
Okay.
- Silly Sally - Yeah.
- Saw a silver seashell - Ahh.
On the thandy theathide damn it! Thtuart, you thaid thith was gonna be gone and it'th not.
I know, I know.
It's usually resolved by now.
I'm sorry, Phil.
I wish there was something I could do.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna be on live TV.
Phil, I can help.
Let me teach you this trick that I learned when I used to lisp.
Avoid s-words at all costs.
Don't say "super bowl.
" Say "big game.
" It's not a "stadium.
" It's an "arena.
" And Stuart didn't "sabotage" you.
He "ruined your life.
" Well, that was a little hurtful.
But it might actually work.
Well, it better, or it'th your ath.
Hey, guys.
Oh, wow, you look nice.
Where you going? I'm gonna be a guetht thtar on fair catch.
Okay, well, you be careful out there 'cause I tawt I taw a puddy cat.
Hey, Stuart, you got a minute? Yes, come on in.
Come on in.
Okay, I forgot to ask you, how was your class? Oh, well, I met a guy.
He's wonderful.
That's great, Holly! When do I get to meet him? Okay, here's the thing.
Um, I met him in a grief support group and I kind of had to pretend like I had a dead husband.
Oh, my god.
That's unconsciousable.
This is the worst thing you've ever done.
You'd think so.
But it gets worse.
What could possibly be worse than lying about a dead husband? Delivery for the Gardner residence.
Oh, thank you, I'll take them.
Ooh, what a lovely arrangement.
It's from my patient, Amy Clark.
Hmm, uh-huh "Sorry for your loss.
Stuart will be missed.
" Aww.
Why will I be missed? - Because you're dead.
- Oh, what? - I'm your dead husband? - Sorry! Okay? He asked to see a picture and you were the only thing that wasn't food, shoes, or a man I thought was tilda swinton.
Look, how was I supposed to know he was your patient? He must have blabbed, which is something we're gonna work on after we're married.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no! All my patients think I'm dead! They'll be devastated! I don't just touch their teeth, I touch their hearts.
Okay, I gotta get the word out that I'm still alive.
No, no, no, Stuart! Wait, wait, wait.
This guy could be the one.
Look.
I promise I'll tell him tonight in group.
Please, Stuart, please! All right, fine, I'll stay dead for a few more hours.
But after that, I'm gonna spring back to life like a dental Jesus! - Thank you, Stuart.
- Okay.
Gosh.
Now how do I tell him, huh? You know what, I'll just be honest and direct.
- Yeah.
- And maybe a little cleavage.
Hell, for news this big, something better flop out, right? Hey, maniacs, I'm Spencer Williams and this is fair catch.
Our guest is sports agent Phil chase.
And today's topic is NFL draft picks.
Phil, let's start with the Seattle Seahawks.
Well, do you think the Seahawks will use the first round to take senior wide reciever Sansosa Sasasolis out of Mississippi Southern? Uh-huh.
Phil, you got to give us more than that.
Okay, um Well, I think that player got game.
And, uh, he'd be good.
Come on, Phil.
Now you're ducking.
What do you really think of Sansosa Sasasolis? What do I really think? Well, I think Sansosa Sasasolis Sansosa Sasasolis, huh? That's who we talking about, right? We talking about Sansosa Sasasolis? I just wanna be clear that we talking about Sansosa Sasasolis.
I think Sansosa Sasasolis would be an excellent addition to the Seattle Seahawks, and maybe even take them to another super bowl.
Booyah-kasha! I like the fire, Phil.
And on that note, we'll take a break to pay some bills.
And we're out! - You're doing great, Phil.
- Thanks, Spence.
So, listen, when we come back, we're gonna mix it up a little.
I'm gonna put you on the hot seat.
You cool with that? Turn it up, baby! I got thissssss! Oh, man.
Wow, 38 texts and 16 voicemails? I am blowing up! "Sorry about Stuart.
Can't believe he's gone.
" "Stuart's passing is a tragedy.
" Oh, my god.
Stuart's dead.
And we're back in three Welcome back to fair catch.
Our guest today is sports agent Phil Chase of the Phil Chase agency.
Phil, people say sports agents are predators, urging college athletes to turn pro early, robbing them of their education.
How do you respond? Phil? Sorry.
Didn't mean to, uh, hit a nerve.
Let's, uh, switch it up.
Uh, what do you think of Carolina Tech's decision to get rid of their longtime mascot Charlie the chipmunk? I'm gonna miss him so much.
I can't believe he's gone.
He was a drunk in a chipmunk suit, Phil.
Get over it.
He was He was my best friend.
Phil? - Hi, Jeff.
- Hi.
- Hey, Holly.
- Hi.
Oh, ohh.
- You look beautiful.
- Aww.
And even though it hasn't been under the best circumstances, - I'm so happy we met.
- Me too.
Listen, Jeff, there's something I need to tell you.
Everyone, please take their seats.
- Can it wait till later? - Eh, if it were up to me, it would wait till we were snorkeling in St.
Bart's.
Before we get started, I have a very upsetting announcement to make.
It has been brought to my attention that we have an intruder in our midst.
Someone has violated the sanctity of our group by pretending to have a deceased spouse, using our group as a place to hit on vulnerable people.
Do you have anything to say for yourself? Well, do you, Jeff? What? It's Jeff? My Jeff? I mean, our Jeff.
- I guess I should leave.
- You certainly should.
Before we rush to judgment, isn't it possible he's a good, decent person whose only sin was looking for love in this cold, lonely city? That he was desperate for that one last chance to find someone, a soul mate, someone to marry? Nah, I was just looking for some sad strange.
Haskell, I'll trade you a "rest in peace" biscotti for a piece of that "sorry for your loss" cheesecake.
A man has died.
Show some respect.
Throw in one of those "he's in a better place" muffins and you got a deal.
Boy, when you die, you really find out who your friends are.
Dan Larson.
I worked that man's mouth for 20 years.
I get mustard pretzels? No! It's true.
Stuart's really dead.
How did this happen? Avalanche.
Try a cannoli.
I can't eat at a time like this! Hey, Phil.
I thought you were dead.
Did you send a basket? No, I was too busy weeping on television.
I blew my one shot.
Who started this stupid rumor? All right, Stuart, you're undead.
Turns out Jeff was just pretending to have a dead wife so he could hit on grieving people.
What a lowlife.
So you're twisted little plan didn't even work? I died for nothing? And because of you, I blubbered on national television.
Holly, stuff came out of my nose! And all these deliveries interrupted my nap.
I'm this close to a meltdown.
And you made me take that barbecue class for nothing.
I had to shove an orange up a chicken's ass! All I can say is that if I had to do it over again, I would! I have six months to find a husband and I'll do anything to make it happen, anything! Brace yourselves, people.
It's gonna get ugly.