The Fast Show s04e03 Episode Script
The Last Fast Show Ever Part 3
1 Today, I'll be mostly teasing policemen.
# Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Can I put the fairy on top this year? Better Iet Dad.
He might get upset.
No, no, no, no, no.
You've got it completely wrong.
Darling, come and see what these oafs have done to the tree.
Oh, boys, it looks lovely! I wish you'd back me up sometimes.
It's Christmas, after all.
All right.
I'm sorry.
It's just that we had such perfect Christmases when I was a boy.
And those golden memories will live with me forever.
And I want Toby and Peter to have the same sort of memories.
We only had one rope of Christmas lights, not those ghastly coloured ones.
Take them down, Toby, they're an eyesore.
- (doorbell) - And that tinsel.
Christmas Eve was my favourite.
Mother and I would always decorate the tree.
She'd always let me put the fairy on top.
Darling, look who's here.
It's your father.
- Hello, son! - Hello, Dad.
Off to Pat and Alma's? No.
Couldn't face it this year.
Thought I'd come here.
Oh, my giddy aunt! What have you done to that tree, boy? It's terribly dreary.
Put some of those lovely coloured lights on there.
You show him, Toby.
Oh, God! Ha! Reminds me of those awful Christmases when you were a boy.
Your mother knew absolutely nothing about decorating a tree.
That's it, Toby.
Put some of that lovely tinsel on as well.
He knows what he's doing.
- Aren't you going to offer me a drink? - Yes, Father.
- Excuse me, mister.
- Not now, son, I'm working.
Please will you look after me Pokémon cards while I skateboard? - I can't trust me mates.
- You can't trust me either.
- But you're an adult! - If you give me them cards, I will nick 'em.
- You're funny.
- I'm not, I'm 'orrible.
I'm a little bit werrr, a little bit weyyy, a little bit shhh-shh! I'm dodgy.
I'm a geezer.
I will nick anything.
I am a total (whispers) - (boy laughs) - And you're not supposed to know that word.
Just please look after them.
I'll be over there, then I'll be back in a minute.
Listen, son, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I will eat your dog.
- What? - Nah, look, I'll tell you what, I'm only joking.
Just this once, as a favour to you, 'cause you're a cheeky little sod, I'll do it.
Come on.
Give 'em here.
What you got in here, anyway? Let's have a look.
Oh, Mewtwo! I'll have that! Nice.
Nice, yeah.
Charizard, yes! Oh-ho, nah, nah, nah.
Rubbish.
Rubbish.
Energy, energy.
Don't want that.
Pikachu? Get out! That? Lovely.
I told you I'd do this, didn't I? Go on.
Go on.
Ain't you got Vaporeon in here? Go and play with your skateboard.
Oh, Snorlax.
I'll have that.
Come here.
Changed me mind.
Here y'are.
Gis that.
Have your poxy cards.
What do you think about that old Gladiator film? It's all old bollocks.
- Morning, Paul! - You all right? I see you've noticed the sling.
I got this from a woman.
And before you jump to any conclusions, I might add it was from her Volvo.
Have you had an accident? I have been to the brink of death and back, in a nine-car pile-up on the dual carriageway.
Really? What was that like? Going to the brink of death and back in a nine-car pile-up on the dual carriageway is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight, particularly if it's a rear-ender, and pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Picture the scene, Paul.
My horn is jammed on.
All I can see is her Volvo coming at me at 120 miles an hour.
"My God", I thought, "now I'm going to eat Volvo.
" And then in I went with a terrific bang.
Finally, it was all over, and I just lay there with a cracked big end covered in leaking fuel, waiting for the emergency services to pull me out.
A word of advice, Paul.
Never try to light up a cigarette after a nine-car pile-up.
- He's late.
- Yeah, he probably can't decide whether to tuck his shirt in or leave it hanging out.
You know what? I have that problem.
Hold up.
There he is, look.
Tell you what, I'll leave it, lads.
- See you, Dave! - See you, Dave! Cheers, mate! (sirens) - You all right, mate? - Don't try and talk me down! You're one of those police psychiatrists.
Don't talk me down, I'm gonna jump.
Look, I can go if you want.
I'll go.
No.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Look at that crowd down there, staring up at us.
Like a pack of hyenas, eh? What do you think they're thinking? Go on.
Take a guess.
I'll tell you what I think.
I reckon each and every one of them is thinking: "Does she need heels with that outfit or what?!" It's not like I don't know that I look dumpy in this suit without high heels on, it's just that I didn't think I'd be able to inch along the ledge.
I can tell you, this skirt is no joke.
Trying to breathe in it is absolute murder! But, you know, it's not funny trying to dress practically and attractively for work when you're not a size 8.
- I mean, it's not that easy, and - Waaargh! Oi! Does my bum look big in this? Well, Portugal have got some catching up to do there, Tommy.
There'll be some long - but handsome - faces in that dressing room at half-time.
Well, it's not over till it's over.
As I used to say to my boys at half-time, "Gird your loins.
" "Raise high the roof beam, carpenters.
Climb every mountain, ford every stream.
" - "Until you find your dreams.
" - Absolutely.
# Oh, oh For the wings of a dove # Bring me my bow of burning gold # It's a love thing # Back home # They'll be thinking about us (both) # When we are far away # Back home # They'll be really behind us in every game we play Right.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Some sound advice there for the Portuguese manager if he's listening.
So, Ron, who do you fancy from the group of stealth? Pfff! To tell you the truth, I'm not really interested any more.
I'm fed up with it all, you know? The endless punditry.
Mmm? Isn't it? Well, you can't stop now, Ron.
I hear you've got a very long TV career ahead of you.
- What are you driving at? - Well, I hear it through the grapevine, Ron, that you're leaving the BBC, like a rat from a sinking ship to join the other greed-filled scum lining their already bulging pockets at ITV.
Your negotiations broken down then, son? In a word, Tommy, yes, but, er I'm happy here.
The Beeb have been good to me.
We still have cross-country cycling.
And Ping-Pong.
I mean table tennis.
I must remember to call it table tennis.
It sounds like you've fallen prey to the modern ethos.
Ethos? Never mind the Greek, sonny Jim! Eh? Oh.
You know, it's more a case no longer of small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, but old man in the bathroom, staring into the mirror, not recognising the raddled ancient face staring back at him.
Mmm? Mortality, isn't it? The big one.
To tell you the truth, I'm fed up, I'm shagged out, I've not got it in me any more.
So I thought I'd go over to ITV.
- No hard feelings, Ron.
Good luck.
- Good luck, Ron.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go to that place.
I don't want to go there.
Come on, Ron.
Pull yourself together, Ron.
Come on, cheer up.
- Ron.
- (sobs) # Back home # They'll be thinking about us when we are far away (all) # Back home # They'll be really behind us in every game we play # They'll share (ship's horn) Right.
Rhys.
Now, the main body of the fight will take place here.
- Don't worry, it's all choreographed.
- There's no danger you'll come to any harm.
Wouldn't want to damage the most valuable face in British cinema.
- Great.
Where's the stunt man? - He's over there.
Chip! Chip! Chip! Look lively.
D'you want to get into costume? Lunch at quarter past.
Oh.
Punch the short-arse? I think you've caught the expression tremendously well, Johnny.
Yes, I'm pleased with that.
I'm scared to do any more on the face in case I overwork it, but I do want to add more colour in the eyes.
They're a little dark.
- Yes, maybe.
- And this area here is a little muddy.
The temptation is always to bring it up and out, but I think I might be a little more melodramatic and make it darker.
- I-I think it's perfectly lovely as it is, Johnny.
- Maybe you're right.
Obviously at the moment I'm just sketching in the houses in the background Oh, I say, is that your dog? Yes.
Maybe I should add him in.
Might be rather nice.
I-I don't think you want to worry about background detail.
It is, after all, a portrait.
It might be rather jolly.
What colour's the dog? It's brown.
- No, it looks darker than that, dear.
- It's a dark-brown dog.
Chocolate brown.
It doesn't have brown tones at all.
They're more sort of It's-it's blue.
It's a blue dog.
Don't be silly, darling.
You can't have a blue dog.
It's black.
(Katie) Oh, dear.
Black.
Black.
Black.
- Black.
Black.
Black.
Black.
- Johnny, not here.
Not now.
Johnny.
Black.
Black! Black! Black! Like that black tank of hopelessness that drives through the flowerbeds of despair! The bells of the church go ting-a-ling-a-ling.
The snow, so cold.
The bell, it tolls.
Do you hear it? The wind, it says: "Helloooo.
" Bloom! Tomb! Vroom! Vacuum! What are we having for Christmas this year, Mother? Tramp's plimsolls? I'll try and hold it back.
You make an escape.
But be hurry.
Be quick.
Be quick.
I can't hold it for long! I do like your hat.
Very jaunty.
(Johnny growls) What are you doing? You're supposed to be carving a turkey, not sawing at a log.
Embarrassing, isn't it, Toby? What sort of a role model do you think you are? Carve like that, these two'll grow up to be nancy boys.
Come on.
Hop it.
Out the way.
(man) Later tonight, the BBC is showing a tribute to the late John Actor, who tragically died last year.
But before that, here's a trailer for his brand-new series.
(man #2) Coming soon to the BBC, John Actor plays a tough, uncompromising, dead Scottish detective in "McMonkfish".
(Scottish accent) So What's happened here, then? - (Scottish accent) They've been murdered.
- Murdered? Aye.
Murdered.
So where's Inspector McMonkfish? - He's deid.
- Deid? Yeah.
Aye, well, erm Well, we'll give him ten minutes or so, but if he doesnae turn up, then we'll have to solve the crime ourselves.
- So, murdered.
- Aye, murdered.
- Murdered? - (both) Aye.
Murdered.
- I hear someone's been murdered.
- Aye.
- Murdered.
Aye.
Murdered.
- Oh, murdered.
- Murdered? - Aye.
- Madam, I wonder if - I'm sorry, I'm in rather a hurry.
No.
No.
This is not going to happen.
You come back here right now.
You are going to listen to me wax lyrical about my fabulous new range of products if it bloody well kills me.
Christ Almighty, anyone would think I was a Ieper, not a fragrance guru! All right, all right.
As it happens, I could do with some new stuff, so what have you got here? Right.
Thank you.
This fabulous new spectrum of products has been especially created for the over-35 woman on the shelf.
You fit the profile to a T.
Like you, it's independent, whilst being a little unsure of its direction.
Now, I think this is going to be perfect for you, because it's clear to anyone who cares to look at you that you aren't currently making the best of yourself.
You see, time was when you could get away with that casual, masculine look, but let's face it, these days, to get a date, even a lezzie needs to be attractive.
No offence.
And should you spend more than £50, we're going to throw in a bottle of their sensational new scent, The Whiff of Lez.
Actually, you're already giving that off, but this smells a little better.
No offence.
Today, I'll be mostly learning how to give head.
Hi.
Two plus three equals five.
Basic math.
A child could do it.
It's the type of math we all understand.
But it is not the only math.
Using a revolutionary new form of math, I can clearly demonstrate that two plus three equals minus forty-six.
This new form of math, called Dexter math, will open up a whole new world of possibilities, and will turn the world of science on its head.
Incredible new buildings will be able to be constructed and amazing new forms of fuelless transport.
Hovering hamburgers that fly to your mouth when you do a special kind of - whisht! - secret whistle.
(man) And how does this math work? All you need is the power of your imagination.
Let me demonstrate.
(whispers) Ask me.
(man) What is two plus three? Minus 46.
# Moonlight shadow # He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow # Lost in a riddle that Saturday (urinates) (zips up) Hey.
How you doing? Dave Angel, eco warrior, having a wee on a tree.
Nothing wrong with that.
Little bit of natural sauce coming out of a natural bottle.
A little bit of beef on the bone, just like Mother Nature intended.
Now, I want to talk to you about something which has been driving me and a lot of other people completely potty.
Genetically modified food.
Now, there are leaflets on the subject, but the people that hand them out get on my nerves.
We have been eating normal food in this country for centuries.
Wallop.
Get in there.
We know where we stand.
Or do we? Not according to the scientists.
Now, what they're doing is they're playing round with nature, and when you play round with nature, you play round with God's ball-bag.
And when that happens, anything can happen.
Rats with ears on their backs, sheep with two heads, carrot and coriander soup.
Ohh Dave! Bleedin' stinging nettles in that bush! I got stung all over my arse! Look! - Put your arse away! - There's bleedin' stinging nettles! They should get bleedin' weedkiller! Or invent stinging nettles that don't sting your arse.
Look at that! - I'm making a film here, babe.
Put it away.
- I'm stung on my bleedin' arse, babe! No, don't do it like that, boy! You don't pull a cracker like that.
Let me demonstrate with Louise.
Grab the end.
That's it.
You pull my cracker.
(laughs) I told you you have to watch out, Simon.
Your wife's pulling my cracker.
Come on.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Who bought these crackers? They're useless.
Hm? No, don't tell me.
Old droopy drawers here.
Don't worry.
I've got some better ones out in the car.
Dear, oh dear.
Me? The 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In the fitting rooms of the lingerie department? With my reputation? Are they quite mad? (lecherous moan) Oh, well.
Brace yourselves, ladies.
I'm coming in dry.
- Right, where we going? - My place.
- Tufnell Park, please.
- Where to, mate? Er, yeah, Tufnell Park.
What way do you want me to go? I normally go round Kings Cross.
God, no, at this time of day you're better off going through Camden.
Some people say it's better to go through Camden.
Yeah, go up through Camden, then.
Erm, it's Carleton Road at the bottom of Tufnell Park Road, yeah? Where exactly in Tufnell Park, mate? Carleton Road.
It's off the bottom of Tufnell Park Road.
Blimey, did you see that big fight the other night? Yeah.
There were fire engines all over, people screaming.
I thought a bomb had gone off.
No, I didn't see it.
What happened? Yeah, there was fire engines all over, people screaming.
I thought a bomb had gone off.
Blimey.
- Erm, can we just go, please? - You had any luck with the ladies recently? Oh.
Sorry.
I didn't see her sitting there.
She's all right, ain't she? Mind you, I prefer a blonde.
- I know what you mean, but she's all right.
- Excuse me.
I am actually present, you know.
Can either of you hear me? At all? No? Would I be more audible if I slipped my top off and put some lip gloss on? And the Aga Khan invited us to his youngest daughter's wedding in Monte Carlo.
Ozwald Boateng made me a marvellous suit, and we all popped over on Andrew's catamaran.
It was wonderful ceremony and a beautiful reception, and while we were posing for photographs Damien Hirst shat in my pocket.
Which was nice.
(didgeridoo plays) Hello, and welcome to That's Amazing! with me, Carl Hooper.
Later on in the show, we've got a woman who was raised in a skip by a pack of wild dingoes.
- But first up - Where am I? What year is this? Who's the president? (plays piano / mutters) .
.
absolutely incredible suction.
Yes.
Ha-ha.
# Have yourself a merry little Christmas # Let your hmah-we-wahh # Next year all our troubles will be out of sight I use bags for that, actually (mutters) And I think she must have misheard me because she bought me a bucketful of ankles.
(mutters) I fight with, er, stagger Neeer! Baaar! # Chestnuts roasting on an open fire # Jack Frost nipping at your flaaar That isn't right, no.
It takes me back to my time in Anchorage with Stevie Wonder.
It was quite aaah.
He was funny (mutters) Eh-eh-eh-eh, like that.
(mutters) But, er # And so I'm offering this simple phrase # To kids from 1 to 92 # Although it's been said many times, many ways # (mutters) (mutters) .
.
Birkin (laughs) # Although it's been said many times, many ways Once you actually broke through the crust, all that was left was this rather foul jelly.
(mutters) # Although it's been said many times, many ways I'm afraid I was very, very drunk.
(Colin Hunt) Ta-run ta-ra! Sound the alarums and man the battlements.
Sir Colin of Hunt has been sighted.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Ealing, for Colin has arrived and is in Kentish mood! Oh, good morrow, fair wench.
I couldst but fly if thou wouldst be mine and I thine.
Oh, Colin, it's going to be so quiet around here when you've gone.
What? Fear not, goodst lady.
Never shall the day come when the name of Hunt shall not sound within these four walls.
Hunt! Whisper it.
Hunt cometh! Hunt cometh! Cometh the Hunt! Hummeth the Oh, no, don't hum it! Oh, and as for thee, Greg, sire, stout honest yeoman that thou art, it grieveth me sorely that I shall have to run thee through with my blade of Toledo steel.
Zorro! Seems to be the hardest word.
Not seen David Gooding yet this morning? The boss? Methinkth a pay rithe might be in the air.
Exit Colin, stage left.
Ow! Oh, Colin, it makes me laugh every time you do that! Doreen, I did actually walk into the doorframe.
I've hurt myself quite badly.
Doreen, are you still on for lunch? Oh, Colin.
Ho-ho! Did I hear tales of lunch, fair Bumbridge? Count me in.
I don't know if you're still gonna A word, Colin? - Take a seat, please.
- Where to? Right.
Colin.
I expect you know what this is about.
Yes.
You're going to send me deep into Russia to confront a madman who's trying to take over the world.
- Not exactly, no.
- Don't worry, I shan't be swayed by the evil temptress Svetlana.
"Oh, Colinsky!" "You have done things to me-sky that no man has ever done before-sky.
" "I will Iet you go.
" Right.
And I'm afraid that's what I'm going to have to do.
Oh, look.
Staplor.
He evolves from Snippychapper.
His special Pokémon powers are poison.
Oh, look.
Here's Phonio.
He evolves into Email Yes, all right, Colin.
Sit down.
You know that this is not my decision.
There isn't a post for you here any more.
- What about a pole? - I'm giving you the sack, Colin.
I'm going to be Father Christmas at this year's office party? - No, you're fired.
- Out of a cannon? Colin! You're fired.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
- You can't do this to me.
It's my whole life.
- No.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Don't sack me.
- The decision's made.
It's out of my hands.
Let me just come in anyway.
I won't be in anyone's way.
You don't have to tell anyone.
- You don't even need to pay me.
I'll pay you.
- Colin, you know we have to make these cuts.
Sack Doreen then.
She's useless.
She's like a big toad.
She just sits there all day playing Duke Nukem on her computer.
No.
Or what about Greg? He's been fiddling his expenses ever since he started here.
Or Bumbridge.
That drunk.
It was him who weed in your desk that time.
Look, Colin, all right.
I'll come clean.
No, forget it! You can stick your job right up your fat arse! Yes! I don't mind telling you - remember when that petty cash was going missing? That was me! Yes.
Remember when all the computers went down for two weeks, 'cause of a bug? I put that bug in there as an April fool.
And there's nothing you can do about it, or else I will tell everyone what you did to that girl with the stupid green hair at Neville Blank's leaving do.
April fool.
Got ya, Colin.
(weak laugh) No, got you! Got you all! Ha! Had you going there, didn't I? The bells! The bells! Sanctuary! We're now going to see what for me personally is Arthur Atkinson's darkest hour.
It's a clip from his comedy film Ooh, Arthur! As was the fashion in those days, the comedy - such as it was - was frequently interrupted by intrusive and pointless musical numbers which added nothing to the story.
Arthur never had a great singing voice, so they made him mime to the popular tenor of the day, Dickie Stipple.
The film caused quite a stir at the time, as Arthur controversially cast his very young niece in the leading role.
Anyway, judge for yourself.
Personally, I think it was very poor.
(laughs) 'ere - 'ave ya seen it? I've got a tisket and a tasket in me red and yeller basket.
A-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'ere! What does that remind you of then, eh? Look at that! Ooh, Arthur, you're such a tease! Yeah! It's an elephant with mumps! He-he-he-he! You ain't 'ad the 'alf of it yet.
I'll put some cream on your strawberries if you let me park my ukulele in your picnic 'amper! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Who do I think I am? Omar Khayyám, king of the kayaks? Oh, you're very young, aren't you? 'ere! What does that remind you of? Eh? Yes! It's a snake, weightlifting! I'm clutching at straws 'ere.
Oh, Arthur, you mustn't! I shall wet myself! (giggles) Oh.
Really? You're almost a child, aren't you? Oh What about that, then? What does that remind you of? - Oh, Arthur, I don't know! - Well (whispers) - Ooh! Arthur! - (growls) Right # Oh, the one that I love loves me # Ho-ho ha-ha hee-hee # I'm as happy as I can be # 'Cause the one that I love loves me # Am I buyin' a bungalow? # Hee-hee ha-ha ho-ho # Where the money is I don't know # Still I'm buyin' a bungalow # She's habeus corpus # I've heard that word before # She's vice versa # And when you're that you can't be any more (tap-dancing sound effect) # If you lend me the licence fee # A true pal you will be # There's no other hitch I can see # 'Cause the one that I love loves me Ahh! Ha! You'll like this one, Louise.
(clears throat) It's me and Simon on holiday in Cornwall.
Me, as you can see, in my prime.
Ahh.
Here we go.
Ready steady go! Now, watch this, Toby, this is a perfect crawl.
One breath every three strokes.
And look at you! (laughs) Bloody useless! (laughs uproariously) What a landlubber.
(keeps laughing) This whisky's awful.
There you go, Ted, here's your pint.
This is something called a whisky chasseur.
The barmaid recommended it.
I said to her: "Me and my mate Ted want to get right royally drunk, and have fun.
" Well, this is fun, isn't it, Ted? - You forgot the crisps, sir.
- Oh, yes.
Sorry, I'll It's all right, sir.
Now, Ted I know things have been difficult for you since, er since that business of, er since that little bit of nastiness, with th - Since Mrs Ted died.
- Exactly.
Since then.
And I know that loss can be profoundly profoundly well, profound.
What I'm saying is-is that life goes on with or without crisps, an-an-and with or without Mrs Ted.
Not for a moment that I'm trying to equate Mrs Ted with a packet of crisps of, er, whatever flavour.
Salt and vinegar, er, cheese and onion.
Those modern flavours I can never keep up with, Ted, er Barbecued prawn, and, er, spring cheese.
- I wouldn't know about that, sir.
- Anyway, I-I-I said to myself: "I'll take the old chap out of his cottage, an-an-and we'll go down to the pub, and we'll have some fun.
" This is fun, isn't it, Ted? - She was a grand woman, sir.
- She was, wasn't she, Ted? But, er Come on! Let's have some fun, eh? She was a really grand woman, sir.
She was a really grand woman, Ted.
So, here's to Mrs Ted, who, er sadly no longer with us, and to fun! Well, that was fun, wasn't it, Ted? Right, sir.
I'll get the next lot in then, sir.
- Already? - I can wait if you want to, sir.
No, no, no.
Set 'em up, Ted.
What do you think about that old Rosemary Conley's Hip and Thigh Diet? That's all bollocks.
Hello, sir.
Were you out with a lady last night, sir? Oh! Did she want it, sir? Ooh! Did she, sir? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Suit you, sir! Oh! No, I'm gay.
Kenneth.
Help.
I'm hiding! I'm hiding, Ken! In a very secret place.
And I'm not coming out! I'm not coming out either.
You've had enough time.
What's your answer? - Catherine of Aragon.
- No.
I don't even need to look at the card to know that you are wrong.
I can't believe that you didn't know that.
I have known the answer to every single question.
I'm glad I'm not on your team.
We're doing all right, though, aren't we, Louise? I'd forgotten how bloody useless he is! You cheated.
It is Catherine of Aragon.
Dad was actually right.
No, he wasn't.
He's a useless, ignorant nancy boy.
The original wet blanket.
Don't talk to him like that, you silly old man.
He's your son! Well.
I can see I'm not welcome here.
Sorry, Toby, I thought you might make something of yourself.
But, sadly, you are just like your father.
Merry Christmas! How dare you speak to my father like that? You've made a fool of me in my own house.
I would never speak to my grandfather like that.
I love you, son! All I'm saying, er, Ted, is What-what I'm trying to say to you - What I'm saying is Oh, I love this song.
- (woman singing "Crazy" on karaoke) (stammers) What I'm trying to say, Ted What I What I'm saying, Ted, is that obviously Mrs Ted has left a big hole in your life, but believe you me, there is someone who can fill that hole.
I mean, you-you have so much ahead of you, Ted.
You still have so much life to live.
I mean You-you-you're a relatively Well, you're not an old man, Ted.
You're I mean, how old are you? About a hundred? I-I'm joking, Ted.
I don't care how old you are.
Even if you were a hundred, I would still love er, I would still love to I would I would love to get some more drinks in, Ted.
- Hello, Ted! - Here you are, old Ted! - How are ya? - Ah, not so bad.
- You been OK? - Nice to see you all.
- (feedback) - (Ralph) This is for someone very special.
They know who they are, but I-I know who I am too.
# Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising # Higher and higher it's burning through my soul (all) Aaaahhhh! Heh-heh-heeey! # My brain's flaming and I don't know which way to go # Your kisses lift me higher # Like the sweet song of the choir # You light my burning sky with burning love # It's hard to breathe, my chest it is a-heaving Ooh! # Lord have mercy I'm burnin' a hole where I lay # And your kisses lift me higher # Like the sweet song of the choir # You light my burning sky with burning love # I'm a hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! # A hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! # A hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! # A hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! Aren't goodbyes brilliant? They're fantastic, aren't they? So, er, well, you know Bye.
Ta-ta.
Wanker.
You ain't seen me, right? (sighs) Bugger.
- Nice! - (arrow being fired) Swiss.
Toni.
Swiss.
Toni.
Swiss.
Toni.
S Thank you, Paul.
What do you think about them old sweetbreads? - I like 'em.
- An' I do.
They're all right, aren't they?
# Chestnuts roasting on an open fire Can I put the fairy on top this year? Better Iet Dad.
He might get upset.
No, no, no, no, no.
You've got it completely wrong.
Darling, come and see what these oafs have done to the tree.
Oh, boys, it looks lovely! I wish you'd back me up sometimes.
It's Christmas, after all.
All right.
I'm sorry.
It's just that we had such perfect Christmases when I was a boy.
And those golden memories will live with me forever.
And I want Toby and Peter to have the same sort of memories.
We only had one rope of Christmas lights, not those ghastly coloured ones.
Take them down, Toby, they're an eyesore.
- (doorbell) - And that tinsel.
Christmas Eve was my favourite.
Mother and I would always decorate the tree.
She'd always let me put the fairy on top.
Darling, look who's here.
It's your father.
- Hello, son! - Hello, Dad.
Off to Pat and Alma's? No.
Couldn't face it this year.
Thought I'd come here.
Oh, my giddy aunt! What have you done to that tree, boy? It's terribly dreary.
Put some of those lovely coloured lights on there.
You show him, Toby.
Oh, God! Ha! Reminds me of those awful Christmases when you were a boy.
Your mother knew absolutely nothing about decorating a tree.
That's it, Toby.
Put some of that lovely tinsel on as well.
He knows what he's doing.
- Aren't you going to offer me a drink? - Yes, Father.
- Excuse me, mister.
- Not now, son, I'm working.
Please will you look after me Pokémon cards while I skateboard? - I can't trust me mates.
- You can't trust me either.
- But you're an adult! - If you give me them cards, I will nick 'em.
- You're funny.
- I'm not, I'm 'orrible.
I'm a little bit werrr, a little bit weyyy, a little bit shhh-shh! I'm dodgy.
I'm a geezer.
I will nick anything.
I am a total (whispers) - (boy laughs) - And you're not supposed to know that word.
Just please look after them.
I'll be over there, then I'll be back in a minute.
Listen, son, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I will eat your dog.
- What? - Nah, look, I'll tell you what, I'm only joking.
Just this once, as a favour to you, 'cause you're a cheeky little sod, I'll do it.
Come on.
Give 'em here.
What you got in here, anyway? Let's have a look.
Oh, Mewtwo! I'll have that! Nice.
Nice, yeah.
Charizard, yes! Oh-ho, nah, nah, nah.
Rubbish.
Rubbish.
Energy, energy.
Don't want that.
Pikachu? Get out! That? Lovely.
I told you I'd do this, didn't I? Go on.
Go on.
Ain't you got Vaporeon in here? Go and play with your skateboard.
Oh, Snorlax.
I'll have that.
Come here.
Changed me mind.
Here y'are.
Gis that.
Have your poxy cards.
What do you think about that old Gladiator film? It's all old bollocks.
- Morning, Paul! - You all right? I see you've noticed the sling.
I got this from a woman.
And before you jump to any conclusions, I might add it was from her Volvo.
Have you had an accident? I have been to the brink of death and back, in a nine-car pile-up on the dual carriageway.
Really? What was that like? Going to the brink of death and back in a nine-car pile-up on the dual carriageway is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight, particularly if it's a rear-ender, and pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Picture the scene, Paul.
My horn is jammed on.
All I can see is her Volvo coming at me at 120 miles an hour.
"My God", I thought, "now I'm going to eat Volvo.
" And then in I went with a terrific bang.
Finally, it was all over, and I just lay there with a cracked big end covered in leaking fuel, waiting for the emergency services to pull me out.
A word of advice, Paul.
Never try to light up a cigarette after a nine-car pile-up.
- He's late.
- Yeah, he probably can't decide whether to tuck his shirt in or leave it hanging out.
You know what? I have that problem.
Hold up.
There he is, look.
Tell you what, I'll leave it, lads.
- See you, Dave! - See you, Dave! Cheers, mate! (sirens) - You all right, mate? - Don't try and talk me down! You're one of those police psychiatrists.
Don't talk me down, I'm gonna jump.
Look, I can go if you want.
I'll go.
No.
Don't go.
Don't go.
Look at that crowd down there, staring up at us.
Like a pack of hyenas, eh? What do you think they're thinking? Go on.
Take a guess.
I'll tell you what I think.
I reckon each and every one of them is thinking: "Does she need heels with that outfit or what?!" It's not like I don't know that I look dumpy in this suit without high heels on, it's just that I didn't think I'd be able to inch along the ledge.
I can tell you, this skirt is no joke.
Trying to breathe in it is absolute murder! But, you know, it's not funny trying to dress practically and attractively for work when you're not a size 8.
- I mean, it's not that easy, and - Waaargh! Oi! Does my bum look big in this? Well, Portugal have got some catching up to do there, Tommy.
There'll be some long - but handsome - faces in that dressing room at half-time.
Well, it's not over till it's over.
As I used to say to my boys at half-time, "Gird your loins.
" "Raise high the roof beam, carpenters.
Climb every mountain, ford every stream.
" - "Until you find your dreams.
" - Absolutely.
# Oh, oh For the wings of a dove # Bring me my bow of burning gold # It's a love thing # Back home # They'll be thinking about us (both) # When we are far away # Back home # They'll be really behind us in every game we play Right.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Some sound advice there for the Portuguese manager if he's listening.
So, Ron, who do you fancy from the group of stealth? Pfff! To tell you the truth, I'm not really interested any more.
I'm fed up with it all, you know? The endless punditry.
Mmm? Isn't it? Well, you can't stop now, Ron.
I hear you've got a very long TV career ahead of you.
- What are you driving at? - Well, I hear it through the grapevine, Ron, that you're leaving the BBC, like a rat from a sinking ship to join the other greed-filled scum lining their already bulging pockets at ITV.
Your negotiations broken down then, son? In a word, Tommy, yes, but, er I'm happy here.
The Beeb have been good to me.
We still have cross-country cycling.
And Ping-Pong.
I mean table tennis.
I must remember to call it table tennis.
It sounds like you've fallen prey to the modern ethos.
Ethos? Never mind the Greek, sonny Jim! Eh? Oh.
You know, it's more a case no longer of small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, but old man in the bathroom, staring into the mirror, not recognising the raddled ancient face staring back at him.
Mmm? Mortality, isn't it? The big one.
To tell you the truth, I'm fed up, I'm shagged out, I've not got it in me any more.
So I thought I'd go over to ITV.
- No hard feelings, Ron.
Good luck.
- Good luck, Ron.
I don't want to go.
I don't want to go to that place.
I don't want to go there.
Come on, Ron.
Pull yourself together, Ron.
Come on, cheer up.
- Ron.
- (sobs) # Back home # They'll be thinking about us when we are far away (all) # Back home # They'll be really behind us in every game we play # They'll share (ship's horn) Right.
Rhys.
Now, the main body of the fight will take place here.
- Don't worry, it's all choreographed.
- There's no danger you'll come to any harm.
Wouldn't want to damage the most valuable face in British cinema.
- Great.
Where's the stunt man? - He's over there.
Chip! Chip! Chip! Look lively.
D'you want to get into costume? Lunch at quarter past.
Oh.
Punch the short-arse? I think you've caught the expression tremendously well, Johnny.
Yes, I'm pleased with that.
I'm scared to do any more on the face in case I overwork it, but I do want to add more colour in the eyes.
They're a little dark.
- Yes, maybe.
- And this area here is a little muddy.
The temptation is always to bring it up and out, but I think I might be a little more melodramatic and make it darker.
- I-I think it's perfectly lovely as it is, Johnny.
- Maybe you're right.
Obviously at the moment I'm just sketching in the houses in the background Oh, I say, is that your dog? Yes.
Maybe I should add him in.
Might be rather nice.
I-I don't think you want to worry about background detail.
It is, after all, a portrait.
It might be rather jolly.
What colour's the dog? It's brown.
- No, it looks darker than that, dear.
- It's a dark-brown dog.
Chocolate brown.
It doesn't have brown tones at all.
They're more sort of It's-it's blue.
It's a blue dog.
Don't be silly, darling.
You can't have a blue dog.
It's black.
(Katie) Oh, dear.
Black.
Black.
Black.
- Black.
Black.
Black.
Black.
- Johnny, not here.
Not now.
Johnny.
Black.
Black! Black! Black! Like that black tank of hopelessness that drives through the flowerbeds of despair! The bells of the church go ting-a-ling-a-ling.
The snow, so cold.
The bell, it tolls.
Do you hear it? The wind, it says: "Helloooo.
" Bloom! Tomb! Vroom! Vacuum! What are we having for Christmas this year, Mother? Tramp's plimsolls? I'll try and hold it back.
You make an escape.
But be hurry.
Be quick.
Be quick.
I can't hold it for long! I do like your hat.
Very jaunty.
(Johnny growls) What are you doing? You're supposed to be carving a turkey, not sawing at a log.
Embarrassing, isn't it, Toby? What sort of a role model do you think you are? Carve like that, these two'll grow up to be nancy boys.
Come on.
Hop it.
Out the way.
(man) Later tonight, the BBC is showing a tribute to the late John Actor, who tragically died last year.
But before that, here's a trailer for his brand-new series.
(man #2) Coming soon to the BBC, John Actor plays a tough, uncompromising, dead Scottish detective in "McMonkfish".
(Scottish accent) So What's happened here, then? - (Scottish accent) They've been murdered.
- Murdered? Aye.
Murdered.
So where's Inspector McMonkfish? - He's deid.
- Deid? Yeah.
Aye, well, erm Well, we'll give him ten minutes or so, but if he doesnae turn up, then we'll have to solve the crime ourselves.
- So, murdered.
- Aye, murdered.
- Murdered? - (both) Aye.
Murdered.
- I hear someone's been murdered.
- Aye.
- Murdered.
Aye.
Murdered.
- Oh, murdered.
- Murdered? - Aye.
- Madam, I wonder if - I'm sorry, I'm in rather a hurry.
No.
No.
This is not going to happen.
You come back here right now.
You are going to listen to me wax lyrical about my fabulous new range of products if it bloody well kills me.
Christ Almighty, anyone would think I was a Ieper, not a fragrance guru! All right, all right.
As it happens, I could do with some new stuff, so what have you got here? Right.
Thank you.
This fabulous new spectrum of products has been especially created for the over-35 woman on the shelf.
You fit the profile to a T.
Like you, it's independent, whilst being a little unsure of its direction.
Now, I think this is going to be perfect for you, because it's clear to anyone who cares to look at you that you aren't currently making the best of yourself.
You see, time was when you could get away with that casual, masculine look, but let's face it, these days, to get a date, even a lezzie needs to be attractive.
No offence.
And should you spend more than £50, we're going to throw in a bottle of their sensational new scent, The Whiff of Lez.
Actually, you're already giving that off, but this smells a little better.
No offence.
Today, I'll be mostly learning how to give head.
Hi.
Two plus three equals five.
Basic math.
A child could do it.
It's the type of math we all understand.
But it is not the only math.
Using a revolutionary new form of math, I can clearly demonstrate that two plus three equals minus forty-six.
This new form of math, called Dexter math, will open up a whole new world of possibilities, and will turn the world of science on its head.
Incredible new buildings will be able to be constructed and amazing new forms of fuelless transport.
Hovering hamburgers that fly to your mouth when you do a special kind of - whisht! - secret whistle.
(man) And how does this math work? All you need is the power of your imagination.
Let me demonstrate.
(whispers) Ask me.
(man) What is two plus three? Minus 46.
# Moonlight shadow # He passed on worried and warning # Carried away by a moonlight shadow # Lost in a riddle that Saturday (urinates) (zips up) Hey.
How you doing? Dave Angel, eco warrior, having a wee on a tree.
Nothing wrong with that.
Little bit of natural sauce coming out of a natural bottle.
A little bit of beef on the bone, just like Mother Nature intended.
Now, I want to talk to you about something which has been driving me and a lot of other people completely potty.
Genetically modified food.
Now, there are leaflets on the subject, but the people that hand them out get on my nerves.
We have been eating normal food in this country for centuries.
Wallop.
Get in there.
We know where we stand.
Or do we? Not according to the scientists.
Now, what they're doing is they're playing round with nature, and when you play round with nature, you play round with God's ball-bag.
And when that happens, anything can happen.
Rats with ears on their backs, sheep with two heads, carrot and coriander soup.
Ohh Dave! Bleedin' stinging nettles in that bush! I got stung all over my arse! Look! - Put your arse away! - There's bleedin' stinging nettles! They should get bleedin' weedkiller! Or invent stinging nettles that don't sting your arse.
Look at that! - I'm making a film here, babe.
Put it away.
- I'm stung on my bleedin' arse, babe! No, don't do it like that, boy! You don't pull a cracker like that.
Let me demonstrate with Louise.
Grab the end.
That's it.
You pull my cracker.
(laughs) I told you you have to watch out, Simon.
Your wife's pulling my cracker.
Come on.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Who bought these crackers? They're useless.
Hm? No, don't tell me.
Old droopy drawers here.
Don't worry.
I've got some better ones out in the car.
Dear, oh dear.
Me? The 13th Duke of Wybourne? Here? In the fitting rooms of the lingerie department? With my reputation? Are they quite mad? (lecherous moan) Oh, well.
Brace yourselves, ladies.
I'm coming in dry.
- Right, where we going? - My place.
- Tufnell Park, please.
- Where to, mate? Er, yeah, Tufnell Park.
What way do you want me to go? I normally go round Kings Cross.
God, no, at this time of day you're better off going through Camden.
Some people say it's better to go through Camden.
Yeah, go up through Camden, then.
Erm, it's Carleton Road at the bottom of Tufnell Park Road, yeah? Where exactly in Tufnell Park, mate? Carleton Road.
It's off the bottom of Tufnell Park Road.
Blimey, did you see that big fight the other night? Yeah.
There were fire engines all over, people screaming.
I thought a bomb had gone off.
No, I didn't see it.
What happened? Yeah, there was fire engines all over, people screaming.
I thought a bomb had gone off.
Blimey.
- Erm, can we just go, please? - You had any luck with the ladies recently? Oh.
Sorry.
I didn't see her sitting there.
She's all right, ain't she? Mind you, I prefer a blonde.
- I know what you mean, but she's all right.
- Excuse me.
I am actually present, you know.
Can either of you hear me? At all? No? Would I be more audible if I slipped my top off and put some lip gloss on? And the Aga Khan invited us to his youngest daughter's wedding in Monte Carlo.
Ozwald Boateng made me a marvellous suit, and we all popped over on Andrew's catamaran.
It was wonderful ceremony and a beautiful reception, and while we were posing for photographs Damien Hirst shat in my pocket.
Which was nice.
(didgeridoo plays) Hello, and welcome to That's Amazing! with me, Carl Hooper.
Later on in the show, we've got a woman who was raised in a skip by a pack of wild dingoes.
- But first up - Where am I? What year is this? Who's the president? (plays piano / mutters) .
.
absolutely incredible suction.
Yes.
Ha-ha.
# Have yourself a merry little Christmas # Let your hmah-we-wahh # Next year all our troubles will be out of sight I use bags for that, actually (mutters) And I think she must have misheard me because she bought me a bucketful of ankles.
(mutters) I fight with, er, stagger Neeer! Baaar! # Chestnuts roasting on an open fire # Jack Frost nipping at your flaaar That isn't right, no.
It takes me back to my time in Anchorage with Stevie Wonder.
It was quite aaah.
He was funny (mutters) Eh-eh-eh-eh, like that.
(mutters) But, er # And so I'm offering this simple phrase # To kids from 1 to 92 # Although it's been said many times, many ways # (mutters) (mutters) .
.
Birkin (laughs) # Although it's been said many times, many ways Once you actually broke through the crust, all that was left was this rather foul jelly.
(mutters) # Although it's been said many times, many ways I'm afraid I was very, very drunk.
(Colin Hunt) Ta-run ta-ra! Sound the alarums and man the battlements.
Sir Colin of Hunt has been sighted.
Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of Ealing, for Colin has arrived and is in Kentish mood! Oh, good morrow, fair wench.
I couldst but fly if thou wouldst be mine and I thine.
Oh, Colin, it's going to be so quiet around here when you've gone.
What? Fear not, goodst lady.
Never shall the day come when the name of Hunt shall not sound within these four walls.
Hunt! Whisper it.
Hunt cometh! Hunt cometh! Cometh the Hunt! Hummeth the Oh, no, don't hum it! Oh, and as for thee, Greg, sire, stout honest yeoman that thou art, it grieveth me sorely that I shall have to run thee through with my blade of Toledo steel.
Zorro! Seems to be the hardest word.
Not seen David Gooding yet this morning? The boss? Methinkth a pay rithe might be in the air.
Exit Colin, stage left.
Ow! Oh, Colin, it makes me laugh every time you do that! Doreen, I did actually walk into the doorframe.
I've hurt myself quite badly.
Doreen, are you still on for lunch? Oh, Colin.
Ho-ho! Did I hear tales of lunch, fair Bumbridge? Count me in.
I don't know if you're still gonna A word, Colin? - Take a seat, please.
- Where to? Right.
Colin.
I expect you know what this is about.
Yes.
You're going to send me deep into Russia to confront a madman who's trying to take over the world.
- Not exactly, no.
- Don't worry, I shan't be swayed by the evil temptress Svetlana.
"Oh, Colinsky!" "You have done things to me-sky that no man has ever done before-sky.
" "I will Iet you go.
" Right.
And I'm afraid that's what I'm going to have to do.
Oh, look.
Staplor.
He evolves from Snippychapper.
His special Pokémon powers are poison.
Oh, look.
Here's Phonio.
He evolves into Email Yes, all right, Colin.
Sit down.
You know that this is not my decision.
There isn't a post for you here any more.
- What about a pole? - I'm giving you the sack, Colin.
I'm going to be Father Christmas at this year's office party? - No, you're fired.
- Out of a cannon? Colin! You're fired.
No, I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
No, I'm not.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
- You can't do this to me.
It's my whole life.
- No.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Don't sack me.
- The decision's made.
It's out of my hands.
Let me just come in anyway.
I won't be in anyone's way.
You don't have to tell anyone.
- You don't even need to pay me.
I'll pay you.
- Colin, you know we have to make these cuts.
Sack Doreen then.
She's useless.
She's like a big toad.
She just sits there all day playing Duke Nukem on her computer.
No.
Or what about Greg? He's been fiddling his expenses ever since he started here.
Or Bumbridge.
That drunk.
It was him who weed in your desk that time.
Look, Colin, all right.
I'll come clean.
No, forget it! You can stick your job right up your fat arse! Yes! I don't mind telling you - remember when that petty cash was going missing? That was me! Yes.
Remember when all the computers went down for two weeks, 'cause of a bug? I put that bug in there as an April fool.
And there's nothing you can do about it, or else I will tell everyone what you did to that girl with the stupid green hair at Neville Blank's leaving do.
April fool.
Got ya, Colin.
(weak laugh) No, got you! Got you all! Ha! Had you going there, didn't I? The bells! The bells! Sanctuary! We're now going to see what for me personally is Arthur Atkinson's darkest hour.
It's a clip from his comedy film Ooh, Arthur! As was the fashion in those days, the comedy - such as it was - was frequently interrupted by intrusive and pointless musical numbers which added nothing to the story.
Arthur never had a great singing voice, so they made him mime to the popular tenor of the day, Dickie Stipple.
The film caused quite a stir at the time, as Arthur controversially cast his very young niece in the leading role.
Anyway, judge for yourself.
Personally, I think it was very poor.
(laughs) 'ere - 'ave ya seen it? I've got a tisket and a tasket in me red and yeller basket.
A-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'ere! What does that remind you of then, eh? Look at that! Ooh, Arthur, you're such a tease! Yeah! It's an elephant with mumps! He-he-he-he! You ain't 'ad the 'alf of it yet.
I'll put some cream on your strawberries if you let me park my ukulele in your picnic 'amper! A-ha-ha-ha-ha! Who do I think I am? Omar Khayyám, king of the kayaks? Oh, you're very young, aren't you? 'ere! What does that remind you of? Eh? Yes! It's a snake, weightlifting! I'm clutching at straws 'ere.
Oh, Arthur, you mustn't! I shall wet myself! (giggles) Oh.
Really? You're almost a child, aren't you? Oh What about that, then? What does that remind you of? - Oh, Arthur, I don't know! - Well (whispers) - Ooh! Arthur! - (growls) Right # Oh, the one that I love loves me # Ho-ho ha-ha hee-hee # I'm as happy as I can be # 'Cause the one that I love loves me # Am I buyin' a bungalow? # Hee-hee ha-ha ho-ho # Where the money is I don't know # Still I'm buyin' a bungalow # She's habeus corpus # I've heard that word before # She's vice versa # And when you're that you can't be any more (tap-dancing sound effect) # If you lend me the licence fee # A true pal you will be # There's no other hitch I can see # 'Cause the one that I love loves me Ahh! Ha! You'll like this one, Louise.
(clears throat) It's me and Simon on holiday in Cornwall.
Me, as you can see, in my prime.
Ahh.
Here we go.
Ready steady go! Now, watch this, Toby, this is a perfect crawl.
One breath every three strokes.
And look at you! (laughs) Bloody useless! (laughs uproariously) What a landlubber.
(keeps laughing) This whisky's awful.
There you go, Ted, here's your pint.
This is something called a whisky chasseur.
The barmaid recommended it.
I said to her: "Me and my mate Ted want to get right royally drunk, and have fun.
" Well, this is fun, isn't it, Ted? - You forgot the crisps, sir.
- Oh, yes.
Sorry, I'll It's all right, sir.
Now, Ted I know things have been difficult for you since, er since that business of, er since that little bit of nastiness, with th - Since Mrs Ted died.
- Exactly.
Since then.
And I know that loss can be profoundly profoundly well, profound.
What I'm saying is-is that life goes on with or without crisps, an-an-and with or without Mrs Ted.
Not for a moment that I'm trying to equate Mrs Ted with a packet of crisps of, er, whatever flavour.
Salt and vinegar, er, cheese and onion.
Those modern flavours I can never keep up with, Ted, er Barbecued prawn, and, er, spring cheese.
- I wouldn't know about that, sir.
- Anyway, I-I-I said to myself: "I'll take the old chap out of his cottage, an-an-and we'll go down to the pub, and we'll have some fun.
" This is fun, isn't it, Ted? - She was a grand woman, sir.
- She was, wasn't she, Ted? But, er Come on! Let's have some fun, eh? She was a really grand woman, sir.
She was a really grand woman, Ted.
So, here's to Mrs Ted, who, er sadly no longer with us, and to fun! Well, that was fun, wasn't it, Ted? Right, sir.
I'll get the next lot in then, sir.
- Already? - I can wait if you want to, sir.
No, no, no.
Set 'em up, Ted.
What do you think about that old Rosemary Conley's Hip and Thigh Diet? That's all bollocks.
Hello, sir.
Were you out with a lady last night, sir? Oh! Did she want it, sir? Ooh! Did she, sir? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Suit you, sir! Oh! No, I'm gay.
Kenneth.
Help.
I'm hiding! I'm hiding, Ken! In a very secret place.
And I'm not coming out! I'm not coming out either.
You've had enough time.
What's your answer? - Catherine of Aragon.
- No.
I don't even need to look at the card to know that you are wrong.
I can't believe that you didn't know that.
I have known the answer to every single question.
I'm glad I'm not on your team.
We're doing all right, though, aren't we, Louise? I'd forgotten how bloody useless he is! You cheated.
It is Catherine of Aragon.
Dad was actually right.
No, he wasn't.
He's a useless, ignorant nancy boy.
The original wet blanket.
Don't talk to him like that, you silly old man.
He's your son! Well.
I can see I'm not welcome here.
Sorry, Toby, I thought you might make something of yourself.
But, sadly, you are just like your father.
Merry Christmas! How dare you speak to my father like that? You've made a fool of me in my own house.
I would never speak to my grandfather like that.
I love you, son! All I'm saying, er, Ted, is What-what I'm trying to say to you - What I'm saying is Oh, I love this song.
- (woman singing "Crazy" on karaoke) (stammers) What I'm trying to say, Ted What I What I'm saying, Ted, is that obviously Mrs Ted has left a big hole in your life, but believe you me, there is someone who can fill that hole.
I mean, you-you have so much ahead of you, Ted.
You still have so much life to live.
I mean You-you-you're a relatively Well, you're not an old man, Ted.
You're I mean, how old are you? About a hundred? I-I'm joking, Ted.
I don't care how old you are.
Even if you were a hundred, I would still love er, I would still love to I would I would love to get some more drinks in, Ted.
- Hello, Ted! - Here you are, old Ted! - How are ya? - Ah, not so bad.
- You been OK? - Nice to see you all.
- (feedback) - (Ralph) This is for someone very special.
They know who they are, but I-I know who I am too.
# Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising # Higher and higher it's burning through my soul (all) Aaaahhhh! Heh-heh-heeey! # My brain's flaming and I don't know which way to go # Your kisses lift me higher # Like the sweet song of the choir # You light my burning sky with burning love # It's hard to breathe, my chest it is a-heaving Ooh! # Lord have mercy I'm burnin' a hole where I lay # And your kisses lift me higher # Like the sweet song of the choir # You light my burning sky with burning love # I'm a hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! # A hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! # A hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! # A hunk a hunk of burnin' love! Hoooo! Aren't goodbyes brilliant? They're fantastic, aren't they? So, er, well, you know Bye.
Ta-ta.
Wanker.
You ain't seen me, right? (sighs) Bugger.
- Nice! - (arrow being fired) Swiss.
Toni.
Swiss.
Toni.
Swiss.
Toni.
S Thank you, Paul.
What do you think about them old sweetbreads? - I like 'em.
- An' I do.
They're all right, aren't they?