The Grand Tour (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

Hello and welcome to The Grand Tour,
which is not coming to
you this time from the top
of a volcano or the bottom
of the sea.
No. We are in Berwick-upon-Tweed,
the most northerly town in England.
And our mission is to
set off across the border
and then drive all the way
across Scotland
to the Outer Hebrides.
Now, this promises to be
one of the most beautiful
drives we have ever done.
And on the way,
we will be attempting to
answer a very important question.
Yeah. It's this
In Europe we listen
to American music,
we buy American clothes,
we drink American beer,
we wear American sunglasses.
But American cars
have never caught on.
Why?
To try and find out,
each of us bought an American car.
And this is what I chose,
a 19-foot-long
Lincoln Continental Mark V.
Remember Jock Ewing out of Dallas?
He had one of these.
Fat Frank Cannon, the TV detective,
he had something very similar,
a Mark IV, basically the same.
And what this means is,
is that when I was growing up,
I would see a Lincoln
on TV every week
and then I'd turn to my dad and say,
"Dad, can we have a Ford Cortina?"
Why didn't I want one of these?
Why didn't he?
Ooh, hello.
It's a a Buick Riviera.
Oh, yeah!
With a with a self-opening
boot. Shall I shut that?
When did that happen?
- Just now as you pulled up.
- Yeah, okay,
that's a feature of the model.
This is the legendary
1971 Buick Riviera, the boattail.
What?
No, I'm just
I'm just I'm stunned.
Well, no, the thing is, is we said,
"Why did American cars
not catch on in Europe?"
Yeah.
Did this even catch on in America?
Well, that's the thing.
You see, the Riviera
was Buick's answer
to the Ford Thunderbird.
So from '63 they were making
Rivieras. And it was doing well.
They were selling quite a few,
- not as many as the Thunderbird.
- Yeah.
So in '71 they said,
"Let's make something really striking."
Really new, really out there.
And they made this
and everybody hated it.
Literally!
Their advertising material said,
"It's like nothing else."
And Americans went, "Good."
But Jock Ewing, Fat Frank Cannon,
celebrity all over it.
Clint Eastwood.
- Really?
- Jeff Bridges.
- Really?
- Yes.
What, they both had this?
- Bruce Willis.
- Bruce Really?
- So, Frank and Jock?
- Yes.
Bruce, Clint and Jeff?
Yes!
And we still ran around
in Europe going,
"I don't know,
shall we have an Allegro or
We had an Allegro Estate,
when this existed!
What do you suppose May's got?
No, let me rephrase that.
What sort of Cadillac do
you suppose May's bought?
Eventually
after 20 feet of waiting,
we got the answer.
The car now arriving at platforms four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine and ten
- May?
- Yes, sir?
We guessed you'd have a Cadillac.
Not just a Cadillac. This is
a Cadillac Coupe DeVille.
- Is it?
- The Cadillac of Cadillacs.
Honestly, driving this,
I feel like Elvis Presley.
What, dead on a lavatory?
Oh my God, how much
burgundy can you get in one car?
It's like an American motel room.
They must have scraped out all
the burgundy mines in the world.
"What color
shall we make the seats?"
- Burgundy.
- "What about the dash there?"
- Burgundy.
- "Ooh, good idea."
But the switch, the button on
the end of the cruise control stalk
- Burgundy
- is burgundy.
I was hoping you
wouldn't notice that.
Has it fallen off?
Well, I'm gonna have to
admit to being a bit of a clot.
I was driving here
and I noticed in my mirror
this piece of debris
flying away down the road.
And I actually thought to myself,
"Do you know what?
That's remarkable.
That piece of debris
is the same burgundy
as my car."
But without actually thinking,
- "I wonder if it came from it?"
- Oh!
I tell you what we should do,
have a game of Top Trumps.
Engine?
- Yes?
- Mm-hmm?
6.6-liter V8.
- Aw, that's cute!
- 6.6
- What? It's not cute
- What does it use to drive the car along?
Is that what starts the engine?
Well, how big's the engine in yours?
7.5.
- 7.5 liters?
- 7.5-liter V8!
Whooph!
Go on!
8.2.
Eight?
8.2 liters.
This is the biggest V8 ever
fitted to a production car. 8.2 liters.
All right, then.
This is more efficient, obviously.
How many horsepower?
- Mine?
- Mm-hmm.
Hundred and ninety.
I don't think horsepower matters.
- How many horsepower?
- One hundred and eighty-one.
- That's it?
- Yes.
From 6.6 liters.
I don't know how they did that.
My seven-and-a-half-liter V8
lump developed 250 horsepower.
- Two hundred and fifty?
- Yeah.
So that's a rocket ship.
Eager to begin our
important journey of discovery,
we fired up
the 10,000-pound Lincoln,
the 17,000-pound Buick
and Mount Burgundy
and set off.
This is it.
Scottish border.
We're entering McScotland.
This is a homecoming for this car
because Mr. Buick
of Buick was Scottish.
You're going home!
Jeremy Clarkson, are you aware
that your car appears to be
talking as it goes along?
No, I'm unaware of that.
The front bumper is 17 miles
in front of where I'm sitting.
We powered along, dumbstruck
at what we'd missed
out on in our childhoods.
I seem to remember that in 1970,
the heater was an
optional extra in an Austin.
The heater was.
Whereas this has got
electrically adjustable seats,
electric windows,
electric quarter light,
cruise control I mean, the Starship
Enterprise didn't have cruise control.
I mean, look at this,
automatic climate control.
You can set it on economy settings
or an auto setting, or bi-level.
I mean, bi-level.
We wouldn't have even
known what that meant.
I mean, if somebody
had showed me a window
that moved about using
electricity in the 1970s,
I'd have fainted.
Check out my lights!
I've got garage doors
for my headlights.
What would my childhood
have been like
if I'd wafted about in
the back of one of these
instead of a Ford Anglia
with a hole in the floor?
My dad would have
been my absolute hero.
I'd have had a bright
and sunny outlook.
Yeah
As we approached
the outskirts of Edinburgh,
we were honored with
the traditional local welcome.
McRaining now. That's
predictable. We've been in Scotland
for, what, 20 minutes?
Presumably the Scottish police
can't say "You're nicked, sunshine"
because nobody would know
what that meant.
Not good. The news is not good.
We then decided
to head for the city center
to see how our cars would cope
with the steep
and narrow cobbled streets.
Wait a minute.
Oh, my God!
This cannot be done.
The issues with my bovine differential
soon caused another problem.
That's me. That's me boiling over.
Chaps, I am boiling over.
Crikey. It's like John in Mongolia.
After I'd finally
conquered the hill,
Hammond topped up with
some precious Scottish water.
And wondering how Frank
Cannon ever solved anything,
we resumed our journey
through the city center.
Oh, God above. You
see what's ahead of us here?
Yep. Right.
Mm, that is a bit
bum-squeaky there, Clarkson.
How close am I to that wall?
About that.
Um, right, I'm going to admit,
my car's a little bit
too big for Edinburgh.
I think we can put this down
to Edinburgh's fault
rather than the cars.
No chance.
What if we temporarily
move this bin?
So if I back up now
- If you back up now
- Yes.
you can swing around,
you can just push
- Mine's boiling!
- Oh, sh It is.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Oh, no.
It's singing the song of death.
Oh. Oh.
Stand back.
Leaving Hammond to
scour Scotland for more water,
I squeezed through the gap
and went off to get
us all a zesty drink.
Wooph.
Right. All right,
what's happened here, is my door
is stopping my door opening.
How's that happened?
Why is it doing this to me?
How did Frank Cannon get in? I
can't get in.
Smooth.
Beautiful.
Yeah, it was because we
It wasn't blocking the step
Yeah, but that was It
was further along that way.
- Was it?
- That was further back and this was Yeah
I think the other one
was in front of this one.
- Oh, just put it that way and
- It was.
How am I gonna
I can't
Oh, sh
The whole end has come off.
Having established
that American cars
do have some issues in city centers,
we headed back
to a three-lane highway.
Whoa! Cool bridge
with mist. Look at that!
And soon we arrived at the
location for our second test.
Scotland's Nurburgring.
It's Brickyard, it's Monza.
The fearsome Knockhill.
The idea is very simple.
We shall use a Scottish car to set
a benchmark time round the track
and then we'll try and beat it in
our two-door V8 sports coupes.
The only problem we have is
which Scottish car shall we use?
The rear-engine 911-style Imp?
The Talbot? The Avenger?
The AC three-liter ME?
Or perhaps the little Scamp?
It's a smorgasbord of excellence,
that is. It really is.
After much head-scratching,
we settled on the hot Hillman.
And strapped an old friend
into the driving seat.
Right, here we go. It's a flying
lap. This is what we're timing.
What we've got here is
a 1.5-liter big-valve engine.
Lowered front suspension, heavy-duty
rear suspension, 93 horsepowers.
Top speed? 108 miles an hour.
It needs more gears.
It does!
Yeah, I'd say I'd say
that's what it's lacking.
That is the cream of Scottish
excellence in the 1970s.
Here she comes.
Abbie crossed the line
with a time of 1:13.98.
And then, with the stopwatch reset,
I unleashed my slab
of Detroit heavy metal.
Building up to cross
the start-finish line,
I'm hoping,
at about 70 miles an hour.
Didn't make it.
Sixty-eight. That'll do.
Turning in now.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, I've fallen onto the
passenger seat slightly there.
That's one of the Oh, heavens!
I'm now
I'm now rolling through there.
Oh, no, I may have just slightly
gone off. But I'm back on again.
Oh, no, my seat has collapsed.
Whoa!
A lot of A lot of lock.
Come on. Speed! Now and power.
75! That was nearly 80!
After this festival
of roll and understeer,
we figured James' 8.2-liter
Cadillac would be faster.
However
Come on!
I can't believe an engine
this big can bog down.
This issue, coupled with
James' leisurely cornering style
It says "brake."
I will follow that advice.
and his legendary
memory for track layout
What happens here?
I can't quite remember.
didn't result
in the hottest of laps.
Nice.
So, with Carroll Shelby's work done,
it was up to the Buick
to make America great again.
Pulling a mighty 70 miles an hour.
And across the line to start.
Let's just roll it in.
Ooh, quite a lot of understeer.
It looks like an American car in the
movies, which is exactly what I wanted.
Ooh, I've Yeah.
With our laps complete,
it was time to see whether
American firepower
had beaten the Scottish Hillman.
The time we have to beat
- Yes?
- 1:13.98.
Mm-hmm.
- James May
- Yes?
1:31.99.
Seventeen, 18 seconds slower
than a Hillman Avenger.
And you had
- nearly seven liters more?
- Yes.
I did it in 1:21.47.
- Oh, dear.
- Richard Hammond
Yes?
1
- 18
- Oh!
point 77.
What does that prove?
Well, it's interesting. I thought
mine would be faster than that.
I didn't think mine would be faster.
Well, you weren't
driving very quickly.
Well, it's as quickly
as it would go.
And it's a comfortable
It's just comfortable.
You've got one dial in your car
which is a speedometer.
- Yes.
- Which is the one thing you don't need.
Yes.
Well, so the car doesn't need it.
Not interested in that one!
But what I find funny,
it is the first track I think
you've ever driven around
extensively and not hit anything.
- Yes!
- God, I didn't.
And your car is the correct
way up. I think we can all
- Thank you.
- We can all applaud that.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Richard Hammond.
Many years we've done this
and I'm delighted to
Normally, a paramedic would
now be cutting off his trousers
- Yeah.
- and he'd be going to the hospital
I'd be on the phone to his wife,
- "Hi, Mindy. Yeah, I know, I"
- Again.
"He's done it again."
Oh.
A text from Mr. Wilman.
Um "Apparently there's
some kind of virus going round."
- Oh, no, so
- Well, where's he been?
Somebody's let him see a
newspaper again, haven't they?
It is dangerous
when he reads the news.
Oh
"You are not able to
stay in a hotel this evening.
I have therefore found you
alternative accommodation at the track."
Where?
Oh, dear
It might be fun,
a bit of caravanning.
Once we'd settled in,
we sat down to a traditional Scottish
dinner prepared by our resident chef.
- What is it?
- Pork chop. That's
- What's that there?
- That's peas.
What's this?
That's a carrot I think.
- Well, thank you very much
- What, a deep-fried carrot?
- Yes.
- This isn't a carrot!
It's a sausage!
Oh, it's Oh,
maybe it is a sausage.
There was a sausage
in there somewhere.
Mm. All right, isn't it?
I can feel myself getting healthier.
- Mm.
- Yeah
- My heart is saying "thank you."
- What are the peas like?
- The peas?
- Well, the
It's a It's a unit of peas.
Oh, yeah.
Well, it makes it
a lot easier to eat.
- It does. Peas are so difficult to eat
- Peas fall off, yeah.
but when you
deep-fry them like this
It brings out
the sweetness of the peas.
After dinner was over
and we'd been sick,
we decided to watch some
motorsport on Mr. Wilman's laptop.
How many has he ordered?
Ooh, that's never gonna fit.
Then Have you noticed? This
is his keyboard, Mr. Wilman's.
Look at the A, worn down, the N
and the L.
Maybe he's been emailing
his friend Alan a lot.
Right!
Anyway, I know a
lot of people watching will think
that it was stupid to put
our big Yank tanks,
um, on a European circuit
against a European car.
Obviously the European car
was gonna be faster.
- Not so
- There is history with this.
There is. And actually,
the marvelous thing is,
at Goodwood race track,
they still run races using the cars
- Yeah. And look at it
- from the '60s. And here we go.
There's every different
type of car here.
You've got the big Studebaker there.
That's a heavy thing.
That's a Ford Galaxy.
And then you've got a Lotus Cortina.
Two Lotus Cortinas.
You've got Minis.
And the racing is just breathtaking.
Look at it!
Look at that four-wheel
drift in the Lotus Cortina.
So those Lotus Cortinas,
they had 130 horsepower?
- Yeah.
- What did the Galaxy have?
Four hundred and twenty-five!
Four hundred and twenty-five?
And you can see plain as day.
There we go. Ready.
He's just coming up
against this great slab of Galaxy.
- "Can I get through?"
- And it is "No, I can't."
Look at it go! He's gone!
He's just gone
'cause he's got more power.
And then he closes up
again 'cause there's another corner.
"Right, I'm gonna have another
go. I'm gonna keep scrapping."
And then as soon as
it opens out, he's gone.
- And then now
- Just solid gone.
Look, American cars,
is what I'm trying to say,
American cars like ours aren't
- necessarily slower
- No.
round a track than European cars,
'cause they're faster
on the straight.
Oh!
There's a Mini! There's a Mini!
That's about 130 horsepower,
that's all he's got!
That is a Terrier at a Doberman.
425 horsepower versus 130!
Look, there he goes again.
Yeah, and a wave, yeah!
He's actually waving to him.
The next morning we were told
that due to the COVID issues,
we'd have to take
our caravans with us.
So, while a man fitted the towbars,
we set about making them
as stylish as our cars.
What I've done to
bring out and enhance
the Americanness of my rig
is turn my caravan into
well, the most American and
the only cool caravan ever built.
It's an Airstream.
Look at that! Yeah!
I've gone for the low-rider look.
This is a sleek rig.
It is big, though.
One foot longer than a
London bus. But less sporty.
You got to admit,
it's pretty retro-brilliant.
No, it looks like a caravan covered
in tin foil for no obvious reason.
He really is a deluded little man,
isn't he?
Now, I've had
the best idea here, viewers,
because the problem with
caravans is that they are unsightly.
They all park together in a field.
They're all a load of white boxes.
It looks like a load of Tupperware.
So, I've painted mine black
and white and given it an udder.
It does indeed have "a" udder!
With our massive crew convoy
bringing up the rear,
we soldiered on through the
constant Caledonian downpour.
Uh, can we stop for fuel soon?
I'm getting a bit low.
Um, I don't know how
you used it up on the track,
but yes, we shall find
"an" petrol station.
Oh, this has got very Scottish!
Oh, it's it's really cold,
really cold now.
Yeah.
Having established he'd been doing
a polar-bear-friendly
eight miles to the gallon,
James announced it was time
for his morning ablutions,
which meant he had to
put his car in the car park.
I need to go that way with that arm.
That one goes that way,
or something like that.
What is he doing?
How has he managed
to get it so far
In his defense,
it is quite a tight car park.
Having decided that was good enough,
James went off to do his business.
And we settled down
to our customary wait.
I lose about an hour a day
waiting for him to have his
Got time for a roast dinner, mate.
By the time he's read The Telegraph,
done the crossword.
And if he does the crossword.
Yeah, I'd say you've got an hour.
What?
This is brilliant.
Why do they use
such long hoses in fire engines?
Well, in case the fire's
a long way away.
Right.
Oh, this is
We could always tell him
that the roof seal
- was leaking.
- Yes.
Yes.
If you've just joined us,
it's a difficult story to unpack.
Right now he's
probably on three-down.
You know when they used to
shout "Scramble!" in the war?
- Yes.
- No.
Oh, can you imagine if he was
- a Hurricane pilot?
- No.
I reckon
you're about there, Hammond.
We assumed James wouldn't discover
our mischief until he drove off.
However, we didn't
have to wait that long.
He's got to be cross!
Jesus!
The roof light
was open on your caravan.
- Yeah.
- You're so funny.
Well, while I admire your
ingenuity and your application,
that was a low blow
on a day like this.
I was already wet. And you could
have taken my personal effects out.
Isn't it funny how three people can have
very different views of the same thing?
I thought it was a really good idea.
Mm. Same here.
And most of your personal
effects were rubber anyway.
Oh, God, it's dripping water. How
can my windscreen be leaking?
Like I give a toss.
Ooh!
A few miles later,
we turned off the main road,
heading for the remote
center of Scotland
to do some scientific research.
Now, yes, we do like our cars.
They're charismatic
and they're interesting.
And James and Richard
currently own American cars.
They've both got Teslas.
But we are not
suggesting for a minute
that all American cars are good
because they're not.
Some of them are terrible.
And what we're doing now is plunging
deep into the Scottish countryside
to conduct an important experiment,
which is this
Who made the worst cars,
the Soviet Union or the Americans?
Representing the Soviet Union,
we have the FSO Polonez 1.6,
the Lada Riva 1200
and the Zastava GTL 55.
And representing
the United States in America,
we have the Chrysler Voyager,
the Chrysler PT Cruiser,
which is making me feel sick,
and the Pontiac Aztek.
What we're gonna do is
have a race around this field,
us three in the American cars
and three of our most junior, and therefore
expendable, researchers in the Soviet cars.
Rules are simple,
the first one out is the winner.
Hang on, you got that wrong.
What?
It's not the first "The
first one out is the winner"?
- That doesn't make sense.
- Yes, it does.
No, there's no motor race in
history where the first one out won it.
No, we're trying
to find the worst car.
The worst car will be
the first one to conk out.
- Oh.
- Oh, no, actually
- Yeah.
- He's got a point, hasn't he?
Then the loser is the winner.
- Yes.
- Got it.
- Right.
- Good.
And so,
under a blanket of light drizzle,
the Cold War shootout began.
This, viewers,
is the world's first minivan, in fact.
But the most important thing
you need to know about it
is that in the Euro NCAP
Frontal Collision Test,
it scored Where's
the gear stick? Zero.
The only people who
bought these Cruisers were those people
that you find in offices with
a sign on their desk saying,
"You don't have to be mad
to work here, but it helps."
I've got a 3.4-liter V6,
185 brake horsepower.
And that's the end of the good news.
Everything else about
this car is disgusting.
At its launch in 2000,
they unveiled the first car
and the audience
gasped and then laughed!
When Walter White in Breaking
Badwas given one of these to drive,
the car was as carefully cast
as the actor.
They wanted to show him as a loser.
And nothing says "loser"
better than a Pontiac Aztek.
Ha-ha! Lada!
I then decided that to win this race
I'd have to hit other cars,
and hope I came off worst.
Here I go.
Oh, shit! Didn't quite do it.
And soon, my colleagues
had the same idea.
Have some of this.
Hammond trying to
smash the Aztek up.
It's impossible to tell,
such is the styling.
I must somehow ram into the Aztek
in such a way, I break my own car.
Here it comes!
It's an accident! Here it is!
Oh, no, the PT Cruiser is alive!
I continued throwing
myself at the heavy Aztek
until I achieved the exact
opposite of what I wanted.
Oh! Oh! It died. Uh-oh.
It is, I believe,
quite definitely on fire now.
Gentlemen, we may have a winner.
Oh, no. No!
Yes!
Yes!
It then became a fight
to the death for second place.
Little commie bastard!
Target acquired.
Accident!
And soon, I got
the wrong result again.
No!
No!
He's broken.
That was a bad one.
Why is my car still working?
We all know this is the
worst thing ever made by man.
Come on, take me. Take me out.
That FSO is solid.
Yes! That's more like it.
Ooh. That's a big hit.
But yet again
Is that the FSO down?
The FSO down and out?
This is a disaster!
And to make things worse
No, May cocks it up.
Now just James and I were left.
The two Chryslers fighting it
out for the honor of last place.
Both cars were now too damaged
to catch one another.
So it was a case
of waiting to see
who would die first.
Break! Break!
Catch fire! Roll over!
I don't care! Just break!
That bonger is the
temperature. I'm down on power.
Yes, I'm boiling.
I think I'm boiling over. Any
minute now, the engine will seize.
I seem to have lost third gear,
which was the most
useful one round here.
Now the gear changes.
No, I think I've had it.
No! But my Look at my
temperature gauge! No!
No, it can't be.
No, I won't have this.
Are you out or are you
just making it up?
No, I'm out.
No, it's I wanted
this to be the worst car.
- Yes.
- And it says
that this has actually come last.
It's the sixth worst car ever made.
Hang on, is that the
I forgot the rules.
- Yes, that's the way it is.
- Yes, you've won, so you've lost.
I know. I'm still running,
therefore I've lost. But look at that
Rather than spend an
hour re-explaining the rules to James,
we declared the Aztek the winner,
and with Hammond navigating,
set off back to the A9.
Right, we're looking
for a bloody big road.
However,
before we even realized we were lost,
my Lincoln started to do
what the PT Cruiser wouldn't.
Why is my engine
I'm misfiring badly now
going up this hill.
Come on.
Come on, car, please.
We therefore pulled into a farmyard
so I could make some repairs.
I'm gonna have a look
at my carb-u-rettor.
As I broke out
my extensive tool kit,
James went off to put the kettle on.
- A cup of tea?
- Thank you.
Would you like a What?
- That's very nice.
- I've gotta say
Would you like a soft biscuit?
- that works.
- It does.
What works?
Well, exactly.
Oh! That's my caravan.
That's so much better.
Eventually,
my repairs were complete.
Broken.
Oh,
that could keep you occupied for hours.
Why won't it go on?
That's ridiculous.
The last thing I knew
was I was in my 30s.
- Yeah.
- Late 30s, admittedly.
And then suddenly, I'm
standing in a field still watching
How's this possible?
Ah, this is brilliant.
- Yeah!
- Ah! Wow!
What a sense of achievement.
- Now, the next thing is
- Where do we go.
- No mobile phone signal.
- No.
We've gotta find the A9.
- Mm. Mm.
- It
One thing you can't do in
Scotland is navigate using the sun.
- No.
- No.
You can't
navigate by clouds, they move.
How about getting
Having decided
to go for that option,
I had a couple of small accidents.
Oh, God.
But soon, we were back on the move,
with Pathfinder Hammond
once again on point.
Any minute now,
there'll be a T-junction,
and then a a small
road rather than a track,
and then a big road.
Then, all of that didn't happen.
There's a hole.
Hammond's just brought us on a
rally special stage by the looks of it.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Is this the A9?
No.
No speed cameras on it. That's
how you know it's not the A9.
Oh! No! Shit.
What?
I'm sorry! That was hilarious!
So, ladies and gentlemen,
what is missing from this picture?
It was just epic!
I've never seen anything like it!
- What, the towbar's come off?
- Yeah.
The towbar has come off.
Oh, dear. That's
If you put that in a Tom
and Jerry cartoon, it would be absurd.
What if that had happened on the A9?
Well, that, you'd have
there'd have been shouting.
But where am I gonna sleep tonight?
There. That's where your caravan is.
We decided to abandon my caravan
and resumed our journey,
behind Richard Blomquist.
So he's driving up a mountain
and he thinks
he's going to find the A9
at the top of it, does he?
Oh. Oh.
Good slapper, Hammond.
The tail's wagging
the dog a little bit here.
Ooh. Yeah.
Oh! Oh, dear, oh, dear,
something's gone wrong.
Um
Ooh.
- Were you driving too quickly on a gravel track?
- Yes.
I can't help it. Gravel track
Well, if you undo yourself
Yeah, he's done that.
- Are you Are you undone?
- Yeah.
So that Yeah.
If you get yourself out, Hammond
- Yeah? Ooh. No!
- There you go.
No!
Oh, that's worked.
Well, I've unhitched it.
You're you're free
Your car will get out now.
It's stuck.
It's sitting on the fuel tank! Look!
So here's the situation, we've
got one caravan left and it's soggy.
Damp, yes, very.
We aren't allowed to stay in a hotel,
even if we could find one.
Which we won't.
Mm.
What if we stay in a castle?
There isn't a rule that says you
can't stay in a castle, is there?
But there isn't a castle.
Well, we're in Scotland.
There'll be one in 300 meters.
It doesn't require There are
And they're all empty 'cause nobody's
allowed to use their second homes.
And castles are always second homes.
Unless you're part
of the Royal Family.
The fact is,
you could be onto something.
All we've gotta do is find a castle.
Find a castle.
With that decided,
we got Hammond out of the ditch
and went in search of a castle.
James May,
I never thought I'd say this to you,
but your udder has come off.
Don't ever say that to me again.
The terrain was very rough.
Bollocks.
What the hell?
Oh, brilliant.
I've done some damage underneath.
But mercifully,
after just two miles
we did find what
we were looking for.
Yeah. This is ideal.
We settled down for
the night in someone else's castle,
and the next morning,
having admired their view,
James scuttled off to the kitchen
to deploy his cooking skills again.
It's a deconstructed and
deep-fried kedgeree, in effect.
So you have a kipper,
a rice ball and an egg.
All deep-fried?
All deep-fried. Enjoy.
I am intrigued.
Um marvelous. Well done, you.
Now, our job on this mission,
as you know,
was Mm.
Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
- What?
Well, it's interesting flavors.
That's challenging.
The kipper's good, though, isn't it?
I like kippers and I like batter.
Yeah, I love kippers. I love batter.
I also like marshmallow
and a nice pencil.
Yeah.
But I don't want them all
in one big congealed lump.
Now, I've been thinking.
Our job on this was not
to steal somebody's house
and deep-fry
everything we could find.
Um
it was to work out why American cars
- haven't or never caught on.
- Yes.
This scale of not
catching on in the 1970s,
we in the UK bought
nine-and-a-few thousand
US-built cars, nine-and-a-bit
thousand, okay?
We bought 247,000 Soviet-made cars.
A big contributor to the
success of Soviet cars in Britain
was the, uh,
People's Republic of South Yorkshire.
Well, it was. It was mainly
where people bought Ladas.
Yeah.
And what have we established so far?
That we like our cars
I love my car.
Love them, but they are flawed.
- Quite big.
- Very, very, very big.
Yeah, quite difficult to
maneuver in many parts of Britain.
Yes. And yours is very unreliable.
It's flamboyant.
But that's our cars.
We've also established
that slightly smaller cars,
such as the PT Cruiser
and the Aztek and so on,
the worst cars, amongst
the worst cars ever made.
Hateful garbage.
But here's the thing,
we must never forget
America also made
some absolute corkers.
Inspired by this back catalogue,
we chose our favorite muscle cars,
and then used them
to go for something else
that America populized.
A pizza.
But you I still say
you can have pineapple on it.
- You can't.
- With ham.
- No, you can't have.
- A Sloppy Giuseppe,
- that's what you have to have
- No, with ham.
- Ooh, God!
- No, no pineapple
I've just remembered something.
You know my mate, John?
Everyone calls him Tramp.
He's invited us
for a perfectly straightforward
shooting weekend.
When?
Well, we've gotta
be there in 37 minutes.
What? Pizza Express to Tramp's
in 37 minutes? That's not possible.
Or is it?
There have been a great many
fabulous muscle cars over the years,
but this is my favorite,
the Mustang.
The Mustang was the
fastest-selling car of all time.
A record that's never been beaten.
They sold 22,000 on the first day!
This particular example, the GT500,
built in 1967,
and I cannot think of
any car that suits the mood
of the moment more perfectly.
Color television has just arrived.
The Apollo space program
was just beginning.
We were all listening to Sgt. Pepper
and Fleetwood Mac and Jimi Hendrix.
But in America, the family man
could buy a seven-liter Mustang!
This, viewers, is a 1969
Chevrolet Camaro Z/28.
It was Chevrolet's
response to the Mustang,
which they thought was a bit slabby.
So they came up with
something more curvaceous.
This muscle car feels
particularly agricultural.
We imagine that the
Americans didn't realize that.
But I think they did.
I think they knew and they just thought,
"Well, sod it. It's a laugh."
That's what was great
about America in those days.
Optimism, hope,
unashamed consumption.
Britain, of course, saw the Mustang
and all the cars it inspired,
such as this one, and thought,
"Yeah, we'll have a go at that,"
and gave us the Capri,
which was available
with a 1.3-liter engine.
Why were we so meek?
The Dodge Charger,
one of my all-time favorite
cars and one of the greats.
Specifically this 1968
second-generation version
ofBullitt andDukes of Hazzard fame.
I mean, just look at it,
it screams "legend."
The Charger was aimed
at young people specifically,
which today would mean
"make it so small and bland
as to be invisible and give it the
engine from a pencil sharpener."
Back then it meant
"give it a huge V8,
bonnet scoops and flared haunches."
They were fun!
Uh, what is a perfectly
straightforward shooting weekend anyway?
I've no idea.
I don't think anyone
in the world knows
what a perfectly straightforward
shooting weekend is.
They're all different.
Uh-oh. Chaps?
Yes?
Died.
Oh!
Hammond, do you mind
not doing that? I've had a heart attack.
It turned out that
a detached brake caliper
had broken the wheel,
which had jammed the gearbox,
and that caused
the engine to explode.
But since the clock was running,
Jeremy and I had to leave Britain's
unluckiest driver and press on.
This is ridiculous.
It's like driving to Barnard Castle
to see if your eyesight works.
But despite this, we did make it
from Pizza Express
to Tramp's in 37 minutes.
We've made it. We have made it.
Oh, yes.
But while we'd made it on time,
there was a problem.
I'm not sure
we're blending in terribly well
on this perfectly straightforward
shooting weekend.
Well It could be worse.
Oh.
What are you wearing?
Yeah, I know, I
I've overdone this.
I am sweating with embarrassment.
Well, you're lucky. After what
happened in Argentina, I can't sweat.
- Really?
- No.
- You can't sweat?
- No, not a thing.
This was inspired by
my car. It's misled me.
A text from Mr. Wilman.
A long one.
"You have finally
uncovered the main problem
with owning an American car
in Europe, it's embarrassing."
Mm.
We don't blend.
It is a bit.
It doesn't fit.
"But if there was a community
where American car enthusiasts
could live side by side with
people who shared their passion,
it wouldn't be embarrassing.
So I've created a small town
in the Outer Hebrides
where people can do just that.
And that's where you're headed now."
- So, yes, no, what he's
- You can actually
he's thinking a bit like a sort of a
drug-dependency support group.
You go there knowing that
everybody else is like you.
Exactly, every 'Cause
you obviously turn up here,
cars like this, as we've just done.
Bollocks, isn't it?
People go, "God above, Darren,
Gary and Kevin are here."
But if there was a community
We'll be amongst our own kind.
You could say, "Can I get a burger?"
Yeah. You can have
cheese on everything.
- And a strawberry on your laundry
- Yes, strawberry.
- A strawberry.
- You could actually say
And nobody will look at you
because they're all doing it.
- Everyone is in the same boat.
- It's brilliant.
Well done, Mr. Wilman.
That's not a bad idea, actually.
That's hmm, yes,
that's inspired
And I've just
I've just thought
If we're going to this island
where everything's American
and everybody drives
an American car,
why don't we make
our cars more American?
I know your Cadillac is as American
as an eagle made of cheese,
but make it more American.
We'll modify them,
and then we'll arrive on the island
in very American cars.
He will be so happy.
I can only think of an
eagle made of cheese now.
Two days later,
we set off on a 200-mile journey
to Mr. Wilman's Hebridean island
in our newly modified cars.
Let me talk you
through what I've done.
I focused initially
on repairing things.
I've repaired the windscreen
wiper as best I can.
I've used waterless coolant to try
and solve the overheating problems.
And then Well, if you
look closely at the front here,
I fitted the massive supercharger
you can see sticking
out of the bonnet.
Gains about 100
horsepower from that.
And having done the
supercharger at that end,
I needed something
visually to balance it
to make it a cohesive whole.
So I fitted the Plymouth Road
Runner-style wing at the back.
Hello, viewers. I've turned
my Cadillac Coupe DeVille
into a low-ri-der.
Three inches lower at the front.
It's two inches lower at the back,
courtesy of heavy-duty
Land Rover Defender springs.
A two-and-a-half-inch
straight-through side-mounted exhaust.
Now, this was already
a very cool, very relaxed car.
It's now even cooler and relaxeder.
Uh-oh.
I may have overdone
the lowering a bit.
This thing is now wearing white-letter
heavy-duty boots and it's worked well.
I've also addressed my power
issues by fitting nitrous injection.
It's perfectly straightforward.
Instead of mixing the petrol with ordinary
air before it goes into the engine,
it's mixed with a blend
of nitrogen and oxygen.
Let's try it out. Engage
system with toggle switch.
Prime the tank.
Firing
That makes no diff Why does
that not make any difference at all?
Did you make other
modifications to the fuel system
apart from putting
the nitrous bottle in?
Yes, I did.
What did you do?
Many things.
He hasn't done it, has he?
Did you alter the timing?
I advanced it.
What would happen if I hadn't
done anything to the timing
or anything like that?
I think
Yeah, you'd have
made the mixture lean
and you'd probably melt the pistons.
Well, I'll get a grandstand view
of the explosion from back here
if I can see it round
my supercharger.
See around it? Is your supercharger
actually in the way, then?
Um, only in
in certain directions.
Um, if I look forwards,
for instance, yes, it
it blocks the view.
He can't see!
Later, I discovered another issue that
had been caused by the modifications.
That's my tire.
The sound of my tires
catching on the bodywork.
I've really cocked
this up, haven't I?
We continued our journey north,
against the ever-familiar
backdrop of Scotland's weather.
God really did mess up
with Scotland, didn't he,
'cause, "Oh, look at that.
It's my best work.
And now it's gonna rain constantly."
Yeah, he made
something really rather beautiful
and then covered it with a tatty
old sheet in the form of the weather.
It's interesting that
in the Islamic world,
artifacts can't be perfect because
only God is capable of perfection.
But in Christian society,
we like to think that God
introduces some imperfection
and flaws into the world
lest we should be blinded
and driven mad by its beauty.
James, are your side pipes
putting fumes into the cabin?
He began that by saying,
"It's interesting, isn't it,"
and then proceeded to not be
interesting for the next ten minutes.
Eventually, though, the rain eased,
which meant we could
enjoy a lovely view
while Hammond mended his car.
- What up?
- That's a split fuel tank.
I don't think there's
any denying that.
Could you make it to
that village down there?
- Probably.
- 'Cause they'll have a petrol tank welding center,
- I'm sure of it.
- Mm.
It's quite difficult
to weld a petrol tank.
You've gotta be
very careful with that.
I need to find
something that I can gum it up with.
Sticky tape? Duct tape?
Well, it's an interesting
proposition
'cause petrol dissolves
most adhesives. So
Yes, James, it's
an interesting proposition.
Meanwhile, my car's
life blood is draining away.
Having solved the
problem with some of my nicotine gum,
we stopped looking at
the view and drove into it.
I really do like this car.
I like the way it looks now.
I always like the way it looks. Now
I like the way it looks even more.
It's supremely comfortable
and it's got a Cartier clock,
which is absolutely beautiful.
It moves me, that clock,
moves me with its beauty.
How many cars have we
ever kept from our television shows?
Uh Well I well,
I kept Oliver, the Opel Kadett.
I've kept the Alfa,
the Bentley and the Excellent.
I've only kept my beach buggy.
Not many, then,
out of all the hundreds.
I think I know what you're
thinking now.
I really want this
Lincoln in my life.
I do not want to
give up my Riviera. I love it.
What about the Cadillac?
Well, I will admit it may have, yes,
got under my skin a bit
and I may actually love it,
especially now it's a low-rider.
As the light faded,
we found the nearest castle to stay in.
And that night, Hammond and I
decided to replace
James' missing wheel spat.
And the next morning,
he was very grateful.
Clarkson!
That's a particularly
shoddy piece of work.
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!
Two American stars
on your American car
- Exactly.
- that is an enhanced spat.
But you could have
made an effort to make it fit.
I mean, what are these
Just You've just driven
ugly cross-headed self-tapping
screws into my Cadillac.
It's fixed, though.
As we continued to head
for Mr. Wilman's American island,
we came across
an important piece of road
for the nation's car enthusiasts.
Right, this is Britain's
Stelvio Pass,
the Applecross.
That's what it's called.
This is an opportunity to find out
how our cars will manage
on an alpine road.
Science is about to happen.
I'm with you.
A scientific experiment, yes.
Right, here we go.
Gawd streuth. Oh.
Yeah, that that
that is a problem.
Um I can't see through the
windscreen because it mists up.
And on the other side,
the windscreen wiper isn't working.
But even if I could see
through the windscreen,
on the other side of it is the
supercharger, which is dominating the view.
Impossible to see
Yeah
This specific American car
is struggling a little bit
with this specific bit of the UK.
All right, coming up
to this hairpin bend.
Preparing myself mentally
for the challenge.
And here we go.
And braking nicely.
She's round!
Quite a lot of mist.
Oh, dear.
What?
How have we ended up driving
on the other side of the road?
We're about to drive into a cloud.
Eventually,
we reached the top of the pass,
got out to look
at the famous view
and then set off back down again.
It Oh, sh
I've gone off the road.
Oh, there we go. Now
Yeah. When I thought this morning,
"Let's go up that switchback mountain
road in our two-door V8 coupes,"
it didn't look like this in my head.
I should have known
when I put a duffel coat on.
You don't see a Formula
1 driver getting into his car
in a duffel coat, do you?
Later that day,
we reached the Isle of Skye.
And having crossed that, we boarded
a ferry to the island of North Uist.
And once we were underway, we engaged
in some light automotive philosophy.
You know, the funny thing is
when you see someone
driving an American car in Britain,
you know everything about them.
You know that Trump
makes them plump,
they've got a Confederate
flag in the garage
- Yeah.
- they only drink Bud.
When you see someone driving a Fiat,
you don't think, "Well,
I bet he waves his arms around
and has a weird relationship
with his mother."
Or someone in a Volvo,
you don't think,
"Oh, I bet he gets naked
and then rolls around
in the snow with his neighbors."
- Exactly.
- But that's what I mean,
you don't make assumptions
based on the car's nationality at all.
No, you don't, you don't.
But with an American car
- You do.
- you absolutely do.
You're absolutely right
because if, for example
I mean, let's just
take a hypothetical case,
if you saw a classic Mustang,
say a dark-green one,
and it was being driven
by Richard Hammond,
all you can see is his face just
sticking up above the steering wheel,
but you'd still think,
"I bet he's wearing cowboy boots."
And he is.
The only thing he doesn't do
that he should as
an American car enthusiast
is play golf.
Yeah. Pfft!
What do you mean, "Yeeah"?
Yeah.
- "Yeeah, yeeah."
- Have you got something you'd like to share?
My name's Richard Hammond and I've taken
up golf recently. I've been having lessons.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
I bought a set of golf clubs
and I've been having lessons,
twice a week
at my local golf course.
Why have you taken up golf?
My mates seemed to be
really enjoying it.
So I went round
with them and I tried it.
And it was really,
really h it's hard.
- It's, like, honestly, it's really hard
- I'm not interested.
And so then I've had lessons.
I was having quite an interesting
thought process there
about American cars
and now suddenly,
my day's been ruined.
Somebody I've actually enjoyed
working with for the last 15 years,
it turns out, is weird.
Fortunately, the conversation
was interrupted at this point
because we had reached
the extraordinary island
of North Uist.
We are on an Outer Hebrides.
So the next island along
is where Mr. Wilman
has built his community
for American car enthusiasts.
I'm excited by this idea of a
a place where we can go in our
American cars and not be embarrassed.
It is like nudists.
They wanna run around
with no clothes on,
but you can't do that where
everybody else is wearing clothes.
You'd feel silly.
So they go amongst
like-minded people
where everyone's doing the same.
Eventually, we reached the shoreline
on the far side of the island.
Ooh, I say,
that's rather beautiful. Look at that.
That is mighty pretty, isn't it?
What the bloody hell's that lot?
What is it?
I'm wondering if it's some
sort of temporary stage or seating.
It's plastic
in the sea, is what it is.
- It is a lot of plastic.
- I mean, look at it.
Well, maybe they re-use it
when there's no COVID
- and they have folk music on the beach.
- Guys?
- It's all washed up
- What?
I had a text from Wilman.
Right, so, that
is the island where
he's built the community.
And I'm guessing that spiky thing
over there is part of it.
Can you see that?
What, over there?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
But to get to the island,
we have to build a bridge out of that.
Is it like a
pontoony-type thing, do you think?
I'm just thinking they're full of air,
so they look floaty.
Well, it's not gonna
hold a car up, is it?
I don't know, maybe if you
have enough of them, it would.
- So those
- So these ones
- are already joined together, look
- Yeah, look, that's
Yeah, that's that's what
these Look, that's one of these.
Yeah, they're screws.
They screw together.
That's my idea of hell.
Oh, it's a giant construction set!
Jeremy, it's like your birthday
and Christmas all at once!
So is that wider
I mean, how much wider
than the car does it need to be?
Out of how many of these we got.
And out we've gotta
go a long bloody way!
All the cars
are six-foot-seven wide.
Two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine.
- Just under ten foot.
- So your feet are foot?
Uh, I don't know.
I, meanwhile, was more interested in
what this community would look like.
I'm guessing that
It
No, I'm trying
to think what there'll be.
There'll be a motel,
and in every room
there'll be two beds
that are far too big,
burgundy bedspreads.
There will be a sports bar
with hundreds of screens
all showing something slightly
different but not very different.
Everybody will
talk to you in the lift.
- Elevator. I like that.
- Yes, they will
"Good to know you."
That's what they say
when you get out of a lift.
Yeah, they say good morning
You you how You don't know me,
you've just met me,
- "Good to meet you"?
- I like that, you have a conversation.
But that's 'cause you're American.
We got stuck into the work
Captain Nurk, going in.
That must be the doer-upperer.
pausing only for
James and I to have an argument.
That isn't going to work.
It is. I've done
a calculation, roughly.
Maths, James,
has no bearing on the sea.
- Of course it does.
- Do you think it'll work?
No. Not really.
Going down.
Going down.
Oh, God. Right, that is secured.
Good.
You pissed in your own Wellingtons.
Yes.
This is very manly, this, isn't it?
- This?
- Yeah.
I know.
On the third morning
of our endeavors,
we'd reached the point where we
needed to borrow a boat from a local.
Okay, here's the situation.
Um, we've built this bit here.
Hammond is going to
bring the boat around here.
And we're now going to tow it to
the end of what we've already built
where we can attach our new section.
It was a simple plan,
but then it turned out
that Hammond had never
used an outboard motor.
Uh uh
Pull the cord.
Where's the cord? Oh.
It's in the top of the en There.
- Pull it
- I got it.
It works!
How do I make it move?
Twist the thing There you go!
HMS Hammond is underway.
Argh!
In your own time. Quick as you like.
Are you ready?
Job one, tie on.
Right, perfect.
Now, pull me along.
Go, go. Power.
Oh, give me strength.
You pulled the bloody
fishing-rod holder off
I didn't tie it to the fishing rod.
Why did you tie it to the fishing
I didn't tie it to the
fishing rod, you blithering idiot.
Right, are you ready?
We're setting off.
Ooh-ho!
Hammond's gone upside down again.
What the f Oh, jeez.
How has he done
I'll pull you in.
Weirdly, none of the other locals
would lend us a boat after that.
So, we had to drag the new
section into place by hand.
Look at this, I'm moving
100 meters of bridge
all by myself.
- Water's really slippery, isn't it?
- Yeah.
Ready? Look at that for docking.
There you go.
Work continued
for the rest of the day
Ugh. Now, I need to pull
this corner in, don't we?
No, there's
until, by late afternoon,
our arrow-straight
bridge was finished.
And since James was the only
one of us who thought it would work,
Hammond and I decided
he should go first.
Ts and Ps good.
What is the chance
- of him making it
- Minimal, I'd say.
across there? Negligible.
Oh, my God, the road
is floating in front of me.
Oh, my God, look how it moves!
It's actually sinking
as he drives along.
Jeez. That is weird.
All right, chaps, I'm not gonna
lie to you, this feels a bit perilous.
That's 30-feet
of water he's driving
- In a Cadillac.
- over.
I know it's deep. It was deep enough
- to swallow my boat.
- It was.
Shit.
I think my exhaust may
be dragging on the floor.
Agh!
Now I'm crashing into my own bridge.
- Oh, I think his ex
- Oh.
I think he's grounding
out where it dips.
Oh, this is hilarious.
I don't think you'll be
able to see this, viewers,
but on that side of the car,
the wheels have collapsed,
each of them, one of these elements.
So I'm now against chocks.
And the the other side of that
is that the exhaust
is now down on the ground
and the end of the exhaust
is wedged in one of the joins.
So it's completely stuck.
There is a solution, but I don't
know you'll be prepared to do it.
What is it?
Well, you go and help him out.
That would mean four tons
of American land yacht
on the same bit
of plastic in the ocean.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
But since James was now
a huge burgundy obstacle to our success,
there was nothing for it.
Power, increase speed.
Oh, shit. The back
of the car's dipping.
God, I'm completely I'm arse
down. I can hardly see a thing.
I can see Thunderbird II
approaching.
Air
Working.
You're gonna have to give me a
fairly hefty shove and keep going.
Right, James May, here I come.
That didn't work.
Let's try something else.
I'm gonna back up, yes?
And then I'll create a wash.
Yes?
When the wash lifts the
back of your car up, hoof it.
Here it comes, here it comes.
Go, go, go.
Bollocks and arse.
Hammond, could you come
and offer some assistance here?
Right, I think I'm on.
I'd like to be able to see a
bit more than I can see now.
Ah! Oh, God.
I do not wanna go
in that water again.
Amazingly, the world's
most accident-prone driver
made it without incident.
Jeremy, I'm here now. Can I help?
Hammond, I've had a brilliant idea.
Go on.
If we both drove
at him at high speed
and then braked to create the wash,
that might be enough
to lift him up and on.
Or double the stresses
and break the bridge.
But it's our only shot, isn't it?
Okay, I'm up for it.
You tell me when.
Okay, this is really
This requires precision driving.
I am ready.
Hammond, are you ready?
I am ready.
My car won't start.
Oh, God.
What?
Sit rep, I am the meat
in an incompetent sandwich.
It's all right, it's started.
Right, gentlemen,
we are ready back here.
In three, two, one now.
Braking now!
Go, go, go.
Yes!
It worked. It bloody worked.
Very good. Thank you.
Oh, I say!
My people have recognized me!
I think Mr. Wilman's done that.
Yeah, he has.
I can't wait to see our commune.
What we're looking for is an
American-style town, I imagine.
That's like Oklahoma. Look at that.
Cows.
That's a remarkable journey,
all the way across Scotland,
all the way across Skye,
all the way across
I'm gonna have to stop.
I've got the warning
lights on and everything.
Something's going wrong.
My car smell
James, we're literally
No, I know, but I don't want to fail
100 yards from our commune.
I want to arrive in glory.
So just give me a few minutes.
How's he managed
to break it on the last 100 yards?
What a blithering idiot he is.
I can't open the hood.
Um, Hammond, I've had an idea.
There's literally nothing
we can do to help him
so let's go and have a look at
that spiky building over there.
Glad to.
Onwards.
Oh, God, you're joking. It can't be.
Uh, it won't start.
So both of them have broken down.
One hundred yards
from the finish line.
Right, well, um, let's think.
Mine will.
And has. There it is.
After a short drive,
I arrived at our commune.
Crikey. Mr. Wilman's been busy.
Look at that!
Laser Quest. Multiplex.
Look at this, a sports bar!
And 5G on my mobile.
How's that possible?
Weird.
Is that an MG?
What's that doing here?
Evening, barman. I'll have three
pints of Budweiser with cheese, please.
Eventually, I was joined
by my colleagues.
- Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
- Ooh!
- Your beers await.
- Aah! Ho-ho! And there it is!
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Pause.
Just savor the moment.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Budweiser! There you are!
Do you know, they only had Tsingtao?
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, MGD?
No, only Tsingtao.
Anyway, look,
let's get something to eat.
Yes, food.
Food, in this. Look, I'm in st
I I can't believe
Mr. Wilman's made this.
I've totally come
I've totally come home.
My Buick Riviera is parked outside
- and I'm in here!
- Yeah, I know!
- Everything is good!
- It's staggering, isn't it?
And I fancy
surf and turf? No, wait
Monterey
Jack. I want some Monterey Jack.
What?
Chaps, um, it's not
It's not just the menu.
Nothing in here feels quite right.
That is weird.
Do you know, this place has
only been open, what, a week?
And already, every
single thing in here
is Chinese.
And on that terrible
disappointment it's time to end.
We will be back.
We don't know where,
we don't know when, but we will.
And we will see you then.
Thank you so much for watching.
Goodbye.