The Honeymooners (1955) s04e03 Episode Script

With the stars and Hey, Cassidy.
Have you heard the news? Ralph Kramden's gonna be the new assistant traffic manager.
Ralph Kramden? Where'd you hear that? It's all over the place.
He's gonna be the new assistant traffic manager.
All I can say is I'm glad I ain't got any stock in the Gotham Bus Company.
Hey, Pete, Ralph Kramden's gonna be the new assistant traffic manager.
Ralph Kramden! Yeah, everybody's talking about it.
Well, here comes the new executive.
Congratulations.
Well! So you got the news, huh, fellas? Yeah.
Well, it only goes to prove that a good man is not hard to find.
But there's nothing to get excited about.
It's not official yet.
Just a rumor.
I'm not going to celebrate on the strength of a rumor.
You know me.
Have a cigar, fellas.
Oh, thanks.
Here you are, here you are.
And right after work, the beers are on me.
Ralph, why don't we all have lunch together? Well, I'd like that, except I'm expecting Norton here.
I'm gonna have lunch with him.
Oh, and by the way, whatever you do, don't mention about me becoming the new assistant traffic manager to Norton.
You know what a big blabbermouth he is.
He'll run home and tell Alice before I get a chance to.
And this is the kind of news that a man likes to bring home himself.
Norton, guess what? What? I'm the new assistant traffic manager.
Put her there, Ralphie boy, pal of mine! I knew you had it in ya.
Thank you very much, Norton.
All right, all right, come on, now come on! Who started it? Who started it? gonna be the new assistant traffic manager.
Well, don't look at me, I got it from Cassidy.
So you started it, huh? I did not, I got it from Riley here.
All right, Riley.
What's the idea? I didn't start it, Freddie.
Well, who did? Who told you Kramden's gonna be the new assistant traffic manager? Kramden did.
So that's it, huh? Blowing your own horn again, huh, Ralph? Now, look, Ralph, get this and get it straight.
Mr.
Harper's gonna pick his own assistant, and he hasn't made up his mind yet who it's gonna be.
And once more, I doubt very much that it's gonna be you, because Mr.
Harper doesn't even know that you're alive.
Come on, fellas.
Well Ralph, looks like you started the wrong rumor.
What are you talking about? First you should have started the rumor that Mr.
Harper knows you're alive.
Why don't you shut up? Boy, this burns me up.
This burns me up! I deserve that promotion, Norton.
I worked hard to get it.
Just because Mr.
Harper doesn't know I'm alive, I'm not gonna get the promotion, huh? Well, it's the same old story.
It's not what you know, it's who you know.
If you don't have any connections, you're dead.
You can be the smartest guy in the world, know everything about everything, you can know the encyclopedia backwards and forwards.
But if you don't have any connections, you get nowhere.
Now wait a minute.
I don't think that applies to every case.
I didn't have no connections when I got my job in the sewer.
Oh, what am I What are you getting so excited for? Listen, it's a beautiful day outside.
Let's bring the lunch out in the park and we'll eat it.
No, wait a minute.
We'll eat lunch right down here.
Every afternoon at this time, Mr.
Harper comes down here.
Right around lunch hour.
And believe me, Mr.
Harper is gonna know that Mr.
Kramden is alive.
What are you gonna do? I'm gonna strike up a conversation with him.
Hey, hey, hey.
Good thinking! Tell him you're smart but you got no good connections.
That's exactly what I'm not going to tell him.
I read a book on how to influence people, it said the main thing is not to talk about yourself.
If you're gonna talk to someone, talk about something they're interested in.
You know, like, Mr.
So and So, how's your daughter? Mr.
So and So, how's your wife? Mr.
So and So, how's your son-in-law? Hey, that's good psychology.
Sure, with that kind of an approach, when the new job comes up, who's gonna get it? His son-in-law.
Would you, uh, care to start at the other end? I would not.
Will you stop that? Well, hello, Mr.
Harper.
How are the kids? I don't have any children.
Uh, how's the wife? I'm not married.
Uh how are you, Mr.
Harper? Ha ha, I got you that time! Excuse me.
Oh, uh, going out to play a little golf? Nothing like a good golf game.
Are you interested in golf? Oh, certainly I'm interested in golf.
Oh, sure.
Say, that is a nice bag of clubs you got there.
Thanks, mister, uh Kramden is the name.
Oh, yes, Kramden.
Well, what kind of a game do you play, Kramden? Oh, well, I, uh I, uh play like Don't be modest, Ralph! Mr.
Harper, you put a golf club in this lad's hand and he's dynamite! I'm telling you, he could be a champion! Only he ain't got no connections.
So you're in the championship class.
Where do you play, Kramden? Where? Uh, uh, all around.
All around.
Where do you play? Silver Oaks.
Oh, Silver Oaks! Oh, yes, very nice over there.
I play there lots of times.
Well, maybe I'll run into you there one day.
We can shoot a few holes together.
Yeah, That'd be nice.
If I ever run into you over there, we'll shoot a few.
Why don't you make it definite? How 'bout Sunday? Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I'm booked up Sunday.
Oh, you are? That's a shame.
Sure would have liked to play with you Sunday.
Well, how about a week from Sunday? Oh, no, Sundays are out.
I play with my regular partner on Sunday.
Oh.
Well, I guess it looks like we're never gonna get together to play.
Well, what do you say about Saturdays? Ralph doesn't work on Saturdays.
Well, now that's an idea.
Let's see, uh How about four weeks from this Saturday? All right with you, Ralph? ( stammering ) Perfect, perfect.
Okay, it's a date.
Always a pleasure to play with a good golfer.
I'll see you on the golf course.
We tee off at ten o'clock.
Of course, I'll see you around before then.
What's the matter with you? What did you tell him I play golf for? Well, I know you don't play golf, but he don't.
Yes, but he's gonna find out I don't! What's gonna happen when we get on the golf course? I don't even know where left field is.
You don't have to know.
You don't have to play golf.
You make up an excuse.
And in the meantime, you get the job.
Look.
Look, you got four weeks.
Anything can happen in four weeks.
You could get hit by lightning.
Suppose I don't get hit by lightning? Well, you're still on safe ground.
If you have to play golf, you got me along there with you, telling you exactly what to do.
You? Telling me? You telling me how to play golf? Yeah.
Sure.
What do you know about it? I know all I need to know about playing golf.
It's a game they play with 18 holes.
I been working in the sewers for ten years.
If that don't qualify me as an expert on holes, I give up.
Alice? Alice, come out here.
I got something to tell you, good news.
Oh, Ralph, you're just in time.
You forgot to take the garbage out this morning.
Never mind the garbage.
I got some good news to tell you.
Well, can't you take the garbage out first? Will you stop with the garbage! I'll take it out later.
Ralph, you always say that and you never do.
Alice, I'm trying to tell you some good news.
Oh, all right, Ralph.
I'm sorry, what is it? Well, to begin with, it doesn't look like I'm gonna need this lunchbox much longer.
Ralph, you're going on a diet! No, I am not going on a diet! Well, why won't you need this lunchbox? Are you getting a bigger one? Just for that snide remark, now I'm not gonna tell you the news.
I refuse to tell you the news.
There's nothing in this world could make me tell you the news.
All right, don't tell me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what you say now.
But a year from now, when you find out that I've been assistant traffic manager all that time, you'll say, "Ralph, why didn't you tell me?" Ralph, you got the job.
Well it's not official yet.
Oh.
What do you mean, oh? Nothing, just oh.
No, Alice, you don't mean just oh.
You mean, oh, I'm dreaming again, oh, I don't know what I'm doing, and, oh, I'm jumping to conclusions.
Ralph, this has happened too many times.
Now when it's finally official that you got the job, I'll get excited, but not until then.
Well, maybe you'll change your opinion, when you find out that Mr.
Harper and I had a very friendly chat today.
And he invited me to play golf with him.
Mr.
Harper invited you to play golf with him? That man doesn't need an assistant, he needs a keeper! Ralph, didn't you tell him you don't know how to play golf? Why should I tell him that? If I'd told him that, he wouldn't have made the date with me.
You don't mean you're actually going out on a golf course with him? Sure I am.
But look, the date is for a month away.
By that time, I'll be real friendly with Mr.
Harper, and I'll already have the promotion.
So when the golf date comes up, I'll just tell him I got another engagement, that's all.
Sure, you can always tell him you're going tiger hunting with Ali Khan.
Oh, you're a riot, Alice! A real riot! Don't you understand? Inside of a month, I'll be friendly with him.
He'll get me the job.
I know what I'm doing, Alice.
And don't forget, this means a lot to you.
I get that promotion, you can get new clothes, we can buy new furniture.
And another thing, you won't have to run all the way down to Madison Avenue and 42nd Street and hand a note to the cop on duty to hand to me when I go by in the bus.
You can call me on the phone now.
All you have to do is call on the phone, call the Gotham Bus Company, get the switchboard operator, tell her you want the assistant traffic manager.
She buzzes me, I pick up the phone, and I say, "Hello, this is Mr.
Kramden.
What can I do for you?" And I say, "Hello, this is Mrs.
Kramden.
When are you gonna take the garbage out?" ( muttering ) ( knock at door ) Hi, Ralph.
Hiya, Fred.
Hello, Alice.
Hey, Ralph, I wish you'd get a phone.
I'm getting very tired of walking two miles out of my way every time there's a message for you from the office.
Never mind the smart cracks.
What's the message? It's from Mr.
Harper.
I guess I was wrong about you, Ralph.
Looks like you stand in pretty good with him.
Did you hear that, Alice? I stand in pretty good with Mr.
Harper.
What's the message, Fred? Well, uh, he wants you to do him a favor, Ralph, and just between you and me, I got a hunch that if you do it, you practically got the job as his assistant.
Well a favor, huh? Well, as you probably know or don't know, Mr.
Harper and I are very close friends, and if he wants a favor, I'll be the first one to do it for him.
Now what's the favor? He wants you to play golf with him on Sunday.
Sunday? Yeah, that's right.
You see, Mr.
Harper and his partner were gonna play a very important match this Sunday, but his partner was suddenly called out of town.
So he wants you to play with him instead.
Congratulations, Ralph.
It certainly looks like you're going places.
So long.
As long as you're going places, Ralph, would you mind taking the garbage? Norton, hurry up and come down here! What are you trying to do? Give me a heart attack or something? Well, Norton How do I look? Divine! I don't know how you're gonna do with these borrowed clubs, but in that borrowed outfit, you are divine! Thank you, Norton.
Well, did you bring something down we can use for a ball? Oh, yeah.
I got this here pincushion.
That's good enough to start.
Perfect.
Let me have it.
I wish I had a stand to put it on.
Let me have it, pal.
I have oww! What's the matter with you? There's pins in it! What'd you expect to find in a pincushion? Chicken noodles? Take the pins out.
She loves me, she loves me not.
Will you stop with that! Come on, Norton! I only got two days to learn how to play golf.
Wait a minute.
I want to get the door.
Wait'll I shut the door.
All right, look out.
( loud thud ) ( loud thud ) Something's the matter with the club.
There's nothing wrong with the club.
It's the way you swing at the ball.
You just don't swing at it ordinary like.
You gotta do it scientific like, like it says here in the book.
I got no time to do it by the book.
I only got two days.
Go ahead.
( loud thud ) What's it say in the book? Now you're getting smart.
"To Emily, whose slice inspired me to write this book.
" Not that! Read the instructions.
"The golf swing.
First, step up.
"Plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball.
" Wait a minute.
What do they mean by address the ball? How should I know? That's what it says here.
Well, read a little further.
Maybe it explains it.
That's all it says, address the ball.
Wait a minute.
I think I know what it means there.
Here, give me the club.
Step up.
Plant your feet firmly.
Hello, ball.
( shouting ) "Hello, ball.
" Will you get in the book and find out when it starts to swinging? Maybe it sounds nuts, I don't know.
That's what they say in golf there.
They say "tally-ho" when they're fox hunting.
What's crazier? Saying tally-ho to a fox, or saying hello to a golf ball? Will you get the book and find out what they say about swinging? "I cannot overemphasize the importance of the correct swing.
" In other words, it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing.
All right.
All right, step up to the ball.
Relax.
Head down.
Keep your eye on the ball.
Bend your knees, straighten the left arm, straighten your right arm, lower the right shoulder.
Now you got it, Ralph.
Follow through and you can't miss.
Swing! Ahh! Ahhh! What did I do wrong? Well, I uh I can't exactly put my finger on what you did wrong, Ralph, but after seeing you swing at that ball, I think the biggest thing you did wrong was tell Mr.
Harper you could play golf.
You're right, Norton.
I can't learn to play golf in two days.
It'd take me at least a week.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
That ain't my Ralphie boy talking! What would happen to Bobby Jones if he gave up before he even started? You're right, Norton.
I gotta keep trying.
That's it, now get in there.
Look, the main trouble I think is you're concentrating too much on the ball.
Just forget it.
You're right about that.
Concentrate on the swing.
If I forget about the ball, I can play a great game.
That's it.
Just-Just Wait a minute.
Give me the You gotta concentrate on the swing.
Approach.
You gonna swing? Wait a minute.
Yeah, there's power behind this.
Plant your feet firmly on the ground.
Hello, ball.
Come on, Norton.
Follow through.
You see the way my whole body went through with it? Would you mind telling me what all this stuff was? What this stuff was? Yes, what that stuff was.
That's how you relax the muscles.
Get rid of the tension.
That's what this stuff is.
Let me have it.
All right.
Hey! That was perfect, Norton! Perfect.
You had it right there.
Now, let's practice it again.
Let's do it again.
What do I gotta practice? It was perfect.
What do I do next? Right, we'll concentrate on the hard shots.
Suppose you hit the ball and it lands on a hill.
Yeah? All right.
That's a little difficult.
Why should that shot be any different than any other shot? Because your left foot is gonna be higher than your right foot.
You're shooting uphill.
Here.
Put your left foot on that there.
All right.
Beautiful, beautiful.
I don't see any different in that shot than the other one.
Wait a minute, that was a small hill.
We're approaching a bigger hill now.
All right, put your foot on that there.
That's the approach.
Straighten the left arm.
Relax.
Beautiful.
See, it's the same to me, Norton.
Now you hit the ball on a big, big mountain.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Who am I playing golf with? Mr.
Harper or a mountain goat? Just let me practice the swing.
Get that stuff outta here.
Just practicing playing golf.
Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was football, the way your backfield was in motion.
It's great to have a wife with a sense of humor, Norton.
She does get off with a good one now and then.
Aw, shut up! I'm sorry I went to the movies.
I could have seen a better show right here.
Yeah, well the show's over, the curtain came down and the audience is filing out.
Now file into the bedroom and stay in there! Ralph, will you be sensible? You can't learn to play golf in one night.
It takes months, years.
Get a load of her.
Months, years.
Already I'm hitting 'em uphill and downhill and every other way.
I can't do it.
You can't discourage me, Alice.
I don't care if you got any confidence because I have enough confidence in me for the both of us.
You got enough everything in you for the both of us.
How'd you like to go sailing over the clubhouse, huh? Now I know why people play golf.
It's not 'cause they like this game.
It's just to get away from their wives.
That's why they play.
You're getting all tense again.
I'm getting all tense.
Listen, relaxation is essential to a good game of golf.
I can't relax! She upset me.
Well, you gotta relax.
Well, I am relaxed! What do you want me to do? Sign an affidavit with a notary republic or something? All right, let's get back to the business of learning how to play the golf.
Now then There it is.
Let's go through it, step by step.
Make the approach.
Plant your feet firmly on the ground.
Head down.
Eyes on the ball.
Relax, that's it.
Keep your left arm straight.
Your right arm straight.
Relax.
Lower your right shoulder.
Go! Come on now, Ralph.
Eat your breakfast.
You're gonna be late for work.
I can't eat, Alice.
I can't! Boy, I really got myself into it this time.
Me and my big mouth.
What am I gonna do? I can't tell Harper I broke my arm or something.
Then I won't be able to go to work.
I won't get my money.
What am I gonna do, Alice? Ralph, why do you get yourself into spots like this? You want to know why, Alice? I'll tell you why.
It's because I have a big mouth! That's why, a big mouth! I learned my lesson this time.
I learned it this time.
Never again will I brag.
Never! ( knock at door ) Yes? Ralph Kramden? Oh, yes, sir.
How are you, Mr.
Douglas? Come right in.
Well, I see you know me, huh? Oh, certainly.
Alice, this is Mr.
Douglas.
He's one of vice presidents of the Gotham Bus Company.
How do you do, Mrs.
Kramden? How do you do? Kramden, I'm sorry to intrude at this hour, but I just left Mr.
Harper in the hospital, and he asked me to drop by and see you.
Mr.
Harper is in a hospital? Oh, yes, nothing serious, really.
He slipped and chipped a bone in his ankle.
Chipped a bone in his ankle? I mean, he chipped a bone in his ankle? You mean he won't be able to play golf Sunday? I'm afraid not.
The doctor says he won't be able to play for about a couple of months, so he asked me to drop by and tell you how sorry he was to disappoint you.
Boy, that's great.
I mean, that's What a disappointment this is! Gee, I was all ready to play golf with him Sunday, too.
Wasn't I, Alice? I was practicing uphill shots, downhill shots, ready to go, you know.
Well, Mr.
Harper tells me you're quite a golfer.
Championship caliber, huh? I don't like to brag Just like the guys down at the bus company They say if you put a club in my hand, I'm dynamite! As a matter of fact, while we're out there playing Sunday, I was gonna give Harper a couple of, you know tips, pointers.
Yeah, well, I guess you can't have everything the way you want it these days.
Well, I tell you, as a matter of fact, Mr.
Harper gave me the solution this morning.
He suggested that I take his place and play with you.
So, you see, the arrangements are still the same.
Well, I'm awfully glad to have met you, Mrs.
Kramden.
So long, Kramden.
We tee off tomorrow at ten.
Well, Alice, you gotta admit one thing.
I got a big mouth!