The L Word s04e03 Episode Script

Previously on The L Word This is Max Sweeney.
- It's nice to meet you.
- That's sweet.
Let me teach you how to be bad.
You get to stay.
I need you to do one last thing for me.
He sent you to fire me? He was a powertrip.
He's a scumbag.
I've never had an abortion.
It must be really hard.
I feel so sad for Angus.
Kit, you can be sad for yourself too.
You're Papi? Actually it's pronounced "papi".
I can make a woman come just by kissing her.
- Where do you think you were gonna go? - Home.
I'm your home now, okay? - It's illegal to keep a child out of school.
- Well, let them arrest me.
- You pick a TA yet? - Nadia, Nadia Krell.
You're the most glamorous dean they've got in years.
We call her "Heads will roll" Kroll 'cause she fires at least one dean a year.
- I think I'm a lesbian, Bette.
- Oh! I only choose books to review that hold significance to me.
Why does "Some of Her Parts" hold significance to you? - My partner is a survivor.
- "Self-indulgent" "and self-pitying?" Fuck you, Stacey Merkin, FUCK YOU! Staceyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Staceeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Ooh! This is the one.
Association of American Universities Digital Technology Conference.
Yeah, why don't you just take that with you? I mean, just find out who took part in media lab and make me a list with the bios and contact information, okay? Do you have a knot? Do you want me to unlock it? Uh it it's okay.
No, really, it's - fine.
- Oh, wow.
You are really tight.
- God, do you feel that? - Nadia, please It's right there.
Do you want me to find you a body worker? Because, oh my gosh, I have the most amazing Ayurvedic healer, and he, he went - so deep - I, uh, I'd prefer a woman.
Well.
That can be arranged, Dean Porter.
Actually, I'm fine, Nadia.
I just I just need to find out, uh, what conferences CU has hosted.
I know that we did the Global Sustainability last August Where Dr.
Gorsham sustained multiple hickeys from his two teaching assistants.
You mean he slept with both of them? Don't be shocked.
It happens all the time.
- Well, that doesn't make it acceptable.
- No, but we're all adults, Bette.
I mean, in a cloistered environment like a university, it would be absurd to think that there weren't relationships between faculty and students.
I hadn't given it much thought, to be honest, Nadia.
Well.
I know the students in your college have.
I know at least 20 who would love to be with you.
That's very flattering.
I hate that I'm just one of the pack.
Alright.
Let's do this.
I am gonna need to see some kinda paperwork.
I don't have a birth certificate.
LA recquires complete health and immunisation records.
Has Shay been vaccinated? Have you been vaccinated? - I think so.
- Do you know the name of your doctor? - No.
- Did you go to a public clinic? Does he have any uh any allergies, any learning disabilities, psychological problems? Do you? - Nah, doubt it.
- Listen to me.
Over here.
- How did he do in a Stanford-Binet.
- I don't have any of this information.
So Why don't you tell me what you do you know? - I'm sorry I'm wasting your time.
- You're not wasting my time.
- We should just go.
Take your stuff.
- You don't have any paperwork.
My mum was proud of me for my score on that test.
Hold on.
Mr Petersen, look, I'm not Okay.
I don't know that kid.
I mean, he's my half-brother, but, but I don't know him.
You know where the parents are? Yeah, our Our father bailed on him which he also did to me.
And, his mother is, uh, mentally unfit.
- You know where she is? - No, and before you ask, I don't know if she's coming back either.
But listen, I know this.
I'm not gonna go let Shay live in some homeless shelter the way I did when I was a kid.
Okay, 'cause, I mean, the truth is, he's in a nice house on Boarding Square, right around the corner from this nice school.
He needs to be here.
Do you understand? I mean, listen, I promise you, I'll get you whatever you need.
I swear it.
But I'm begging you to please just let him go to school here.
Please That is so fucking gross.
So I found an S.
Merkin in Van Nuys, which of course is where that vagina wig's gonna live.
So - Vagina wig? - Merkin.
- Stacey Merkin.
So - Oh, right.
I go to the house, and I'm standing out front, and I'm like, "Yo, Stacey! Come here and say it to my fuckin' face, you fuckin' vagina".
And so, guess who comes down? It's like, this little, like 90 old korean lady, that's like, "Look what the time is it, it is 4 o'clock in the morning.
I'm going to call the police" You were yelling under her balconey at 4 in the morning.
I was, but did you read the review? - Yeah.
- It was fondamentaly dishonest.
So? Oh yeah, I mean, yeah, I mean, lesbians love to eat their own.
It's true.
And the thing is, the Vagina's girlfriend was molested, and now she's like this perfect saint, which is awesome, and, you know, I was abused, and I'm like this fucked-up nitwit, but that's my experience.
And that's mine, and I don't know why she's slamming me for my own experience, you know.
Right, I get it.
I totally get it.
I'm just saying I think you should let it go.
It's a tiny magazine.
I mean, who reads it? You know? And didn't "Elle" say something great about refreshingly literate.
That's huge.
That's "Elle".
- Concentrate on that.
- Right.
I'll let it go.
- Can I tell you something? - What? - I met Papi.
- No?! - What happened? - Oh! The legend transcent.
She's like the walking, living, breathing Lothario.
- And? What did you do? - And I totally fell for it.
- Well, you know - Did you fuck her? - Oh my god! - Okay, we were in the back of this super tricked outstrech.
It was hot.
- She was like unfucking unbelievable.
- Was she good? - Yeah, she's been with a lot of girls.
- Like Shane? - No, more than Shane.
- Oh my god Okay, just to give you an example.
I wasn't about to tell you, but she was with Helena the same day.
Well, the morning, the night after that we had She fucked Helena right after she fucked you? Your roomate? - That's so rude! - No, but that's her, that's Papi.
- Oh my god! - 'Cause, you know, relationships and her, they don't exist in the same universe.
- Okay.
- She doesn't know that I know.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Fucking desaster.
Yeah.
I had 3 job interviews today.
Either I'm overqualified or I have no skills what so ever.
My CV doesn't even get any himp for a job as a receptionnist.
What's a CV? My resumé.
- Why are you - And the people who know me, won't even believe I'm destitute.
Why are you applying for a job as a receptionist? I would pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects.
Otherwise, I'm gonna be stuck here with Alice in her sweet little one bedroom.
Yeah, I'm glad you brought that up, the one bedroom.
I We never had that roomate rule talk.
- I'm gonna go.
- No! I'll give you mine.
I'll start with me.
Okay, like I feel like this would be your boundary of your space, so anything in your space you're responsible for, and then this would be, you know, my space.
And anything in my space is mine.
Um, which includes my office space, which, I'll kinda show you where that starts.
This is my office space.
My work space.
And I'm tidy.
I'm a tidy person and I like to keep this tidy.
But then we have, you know, the kitchen would be our space, kinda spaces, and I feel like the untidy person should abide by the tidy person's rules.
So Did you, did you have any? Just that my protesysheets don't put in the washing machine because they We'll talk about that.
Sheets.
Hello? Hey Bette.
What about Henry and Tina's cocktail party? Tina and Henry's cocktail party? Uh, no, I don't believe I was invited.
Well, it's not your fault, Alice.
Oh my god, it sounds awful.
She did not say "a mixer for our gay and our straight friends".
Well, I hope you're also coming to the Planet tonight.
Kit is so excited about this new event planner.
Apparently, they do these crazy, hot women's parties.
Oh Alice, I gotta go.
Yes.
So, I see you tonight? Great.
See you later then.
Bye.
P hyllis.
I thought you'd like to know the committee approved your budget to start researching the cost of creating that media lab.
So you're telling me that I have a budget to develop a budget? Welcome to Academia.
Oh, did you hear that Jodi Lerner requested to come a week late? I couldn't say no.
She's been short-listed for the Rome Prize.
Bette, did you just say something about a crazy hot women's party? Uh Yeah.
My sister, Kit, she owns the Planet in West Hollywood.
They're doing this party called - Rancho Notorious.
- And it's all women? Only Thursdays.
Thursday is girls' night at the Planet.
Would it be too much of an imposition if I asked to join you? Uh, Tina's on the phone, for you.
I'll come back later for the details.
Tina, hey.
A party? Really? No, that sounds interesting.
Did Alice put you up to this? You didn't know whether not to invite me when you invited all of my friends? Well, we have a child together, Tina, we're gonna have to learn how to get along.
Fuck.
You know something? You know, you've made quite a scene or two in your time too.
So don't get on your high.
No, okay, I don't wanna fight with you either.
I'm just making a point that I've moved on, I've found closure, and there's nothing between us anymore that would cause me to want to make a scene.
You know? Well, thank you for the invitation, I appreciate it.
Yes, but I'm going to decline.
Yeah, some other time.
Bye.
- "Money Trouble" by Annie Hayden - You have out of yourself this time.
Oh my look at this place.
It's fantastic.
- You like it? - Do I like it? Mindy and I gonna have a bloody shoot at the end of the night.
Of course you are.
Oh, hey you Meet Angus, my boyfriend.
Say hi to Mindy and Rochelle.
Hi to you, little ladies.
I'm not just your boyfriend.
I'm your just been offered a hundred thousand dollar record deal with Thrill City Records boyfriend! Oh my god! Oh my god! Congratulations, guys.
So this is the air filter.
You just take it out.
Check it out.
Here, you have the new one over there.
- You wanna put it in? - Sure.
Okay, alright.
Good job.
- We just snap that back.
- Hey, Shay.
Ready to go to Tina and Henry's? Will there be kids there? Well uh Angelica'll be there.
And, you know, they might have a movie for you to watch.
He could stay here with me if he wants.
I mean, I'm just gonna be working on the car And maybe later we could go get some burgers or something.
- Yeah! - Really? Yeah.
Okay, well.
Wait.
That means you're not going to Tina and Henry's.
I wasn't invited.
It's cool.
I mean, I don't even really know Tina that well.
And, I'd rather not have to deal anyway.
So.
Well, are you okay with that, Shay? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Well, thank you very much.
- Sure.
I appreciate.
I'll see you later.
- "Our Lov3" by Rhett Miller - Which one is Tina's ex? She couldn't make it.
Thank God.
So, even, even the beaufiful one over there? Yes, Brad.
Give it up.
They're all lesbians.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
Wow.
Who is that? This is a surprise.
Hi.
I kinda changed my mind.
Hello Henry.
- So where is my baby girl? - She's asleep.
Watch out! - I'll get more.
- Okay.
Thanks.
This is nice.
That reminds me of your appartment on Yeah, it's fine.
I'd remodel it, but I don't live here.
Yet.
Thank god, you're here.
We're totally outnumbered.
- What do you mean? - Straight people.
Oh, Jesus.
Hi.
Bette - Jenny - Hello.
What do you say we move into a big place like this some day? Uh I say not until your first check clearance and then mine.
Hey.
Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
And you? - I'm glad you came.
- Well of course.
I didn't think anyone was gonna come.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Do you want some food? Yeah.
Kelly and Alison, yes.
This is my friend, Shane.
- Hi.
- You want a beer? I would love one, thank you.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
Hi.
That's such a great name.
Shane Oh thank you.
It's perfect for you.
Thank you again.
But I'm gonna go find Tina for that drink.
So See you.
Alright you guys, grace spirit's up.
I'm going in.
Good luck.
Shane! Oh my god! Oh thank you! I am gonna be the best receptionnist you have ever had.
Okay, good, listen.
But I'm warning you.
It's a shit job.
But it's yours if you want it.
- I want it.
- Okay, good, you got it.
Your daughter is adorable.
Thank you.
What would you do if one day she decided she wanted to live with her father.
We don't call him the father.
We call him the donor.
In fact I don't think it's gonna happen.
Sorry, excuse me.
I know you don't want it to happen, but, you know, kids have minds of their own, and, I mean, I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know? My parents are dead.
- Bette - Brad Look, I'm not a homophobe, you know what I'm saying? But, uh, look, if my son came home and he told me that he was gay, I mean, I'm sure I would come around to it.
But you know, at first there would be a reaction.
And, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
An honest homophobe.
How nice.
- Bette, don't get into it.
- No, I I understand, Brad.
I mean, you find gay sex repulsive, and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do your own comfort level.
Right? You know, personally, I'm all for it, between women.
It's just that, the idea of two guys Well, you understand, right? It's not that bad, actually.
Come again, dude? That whole dick-in-ass thing.
I used to think it was a little creepy.
And painful, too.
But I found this great lube; it's called Boy Butter.
Once I discovered that, it was like, "Let's get this party started".
I love him.
He loves you too.
I gotta get back to the Planet.
Come on, butter boy, let's sliiiiide on outta here.
I have an idea.
Game of Celebrity? You have a couple of extra spots on the guest list? My boys are coming down to celebrate our impading super mega stardom.
- Of course! Thrills - Here we come.
- "Secret Love" by Kathy Kirby - Phyllis, you can do this.
Hey beautiful.
May I buy you a drink? Oh, I'm not ready for a drink yet.
- Go? Ok.
Here we go.
- Ok, ready? We won already.
This is so easy.
Okay.
- Ready? - Yeah.
Actress.
She was in "I Heart Huckabees".
Naomi Watts.
No.
But funnier.
She was in "9 to 5" Oh, I know, I know, what's her name? Major dyke, major dyke.
She came out big time in 2000.
I mean, we already knew, but, uh Come on, "Big Business".
"Big Business"! - Sorry guys, time's up.
- Who is it? Lily Tomlin! Lily Tomlin is not a lesbian.
Is she?! Braaaad.
He was on the verge of getting it.
The gay clue threw him off.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Okay, who's next? Shane? - What? - Try me.
"Le Tigre" and Julie Ruin.
- "Bikini Kill".
- Oh, easy.
I know it.
So easy! One more time.
Kathleen Hanna.
What is she a celebrity for? Oh, she just pretty much started the whole riot girl music scene, but hey.
What's the riot girl music scene? Okay.
Who's next? My turn, my turn.
Oh, I don't I don't know who Terrell Owens is.
What? Football player.
Do you? Shane? He's the most talented receiver in football.
And he appeared with a "Desperate Housewife" in a commercial.
She dropped her towel.
The desperate what? This is excruciating.
- I would love to get outta here.
- Let's go.
Just let's go.
- Let's play.
- Who wants to be the next? It's kinda late though.
Shane, what time is it? - It is late, isn't it? - It is.
- "Shake a Leg" by Margaret Lewis - Ladies, ladies Oh god, thank god for my little lesbian planet.
Oh my god, that's Papi.
- Hey.
- Hey chicas, what's up? There is Shane.
Shane! Shane? Oh, this gotta be interesting.
- "La Resi Dei Conti a/k/a Sixty Seconds to What" by Ennio Morricone - Hey.
- Kit saved us a table in the back.
- Oh good.
You're Shane? Yeah.
You're just a skinny little white girl.
Oh.
Yeah, I guess I am.
Shane? - What? - This is Papi.
Who? Papi.
So what? So I'm your competition.
Oh.
Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win.
So.
It was nice to meet you.
I'm gonna go see Bette.
You wanna come? I'll buy you a drink.
I'll buy you a drink.
Okay.
I missed that reading.
It was last week.
Anyway the book is really awful.
- Have you read it? - No, but the review in Curve magazine? ""Some of Her Parts" makes me ashamed to even call myself a lesbian.
" I feel like I don't even really know how to talk to women anymore.
You just have to be patient, Helena.
I mean, you're reinventing yourself.
- That's big.
- Oh boy.
Are you okay? Shit, shit, shit.
I cannot believe she actually came.
- What? - Who? Who? What? Did you sleep with someone? No, not in a century.
Okay, girls.
Okay, here's the deal.
Phyllis Kroll, executive vice chancellor of California University, very accomplished, very dignified, very much my boss, I repeat, very much my boss.
She's been married 25 years and is now at this relatively late date convinced she's a lesbian and is peeking out of the closet as we speak.
So please please please be nice to her and try to talk to her and try not to make her feel like she's the oldest fucking lesbian on the planet.
Phyllis! Hi, it's good to see you.
I've been here for a while.
I'm just kinda hiding in the back.
Well, you're now among friends.
- This is Shane McCutcheon.
- Hi, Shane.
- How are you doing? - This is Alice Pieszecki.
- Hello, Phyllis.
- Alice And Helena Peabody.
- Hi, nice to meet you.
- Helena - Why don't you join us? - Yeah, I'd love to.
I hate to say it man, but the NR guy called back.
The thing is, dude, they need a hot younger singer to sell records.
I mean, it's not like it's anything to you.
So you won't be actually in the band.
They said they already had a guy lined up for us.
And you're totally still get, like, song writer credit.
- I know you're not serious.
- It's out of our control, Kit.
You know how long we've been waiting for this? How long you've been waiting? You candy-ass piece o' shit, you.
You'd be nothin' without Angus.
Nothin'.
You must be outta your motherfuckin' mind.
You must be fuckin' crazy.
Get the fuck outta here.
Go! Get out of here! She's the one that owned to be ashamed of calling herself a lesbian.
What I find so utterly specious is the assertion she made about her own ladyfriend.
I know, I mean, Saint Lindsey? Why is she the pantheon of honesty? It's pathetic, writing about her own girlfriend in the review.
The fact that she compared the two of you is proof enough of her stupidity.
I know.
Thank you.
I mean, the whole thing was, I wasn't writing about all survivors' stories.
I was just writing about my story and my experience.
It's a shame you can't do what I did when I got my first bad review.
Oh, Phyllis.
You never got a bad review.
I did so, with my second book.
A reviewer from the Journal of Education and Policy absolutely ridiculed my premise.
So with a wicked rebuttal, I dismantled him point by point.
He lost his job because of it.
It's too bad you can't prove your critic was wrong about her girlfriend's unimpeachable integrity.
That is for sure, Jenny.
I agree, Phyllis.
I agree, Phyllis.
Totally agree.
They are shit without you and you know it.
What does it matter? Runaway and die, too old to be viable as a musician.
You're the one who told me when you're cold, to do music.
- Nothing can stop you.
- Yeah, well, they do stop me.
It's bullshit.
- You can't - Listen, don't try to make me feel better, 'cause I'm just not gonna.
God, you know, I think I just need to be alone.
- Yeah? - Hey.
Hey! I wander if you can do me a favor.
I'm trying to find a friend of mine, named Lindsey who I went to Summer Camp in like 1997.
I think that she was assaulted and she had to go to this hospital named Cold Water Community Hospital and I wandered if you could help me find her.
That's not really much to go on.
But I could do a computer search.
I'd definitively want that because I'm writing an article about the hospital for Salon Magazine.
So, it's really important to me that I speak to her about, you know, her experience there.
Okay? - What? You want me to do it now? - If you don't mind.
Okay.
I'm really I'm sorry, Phyllis.
This is just Wow.
Go get 'em, Phyllis! Go ahead.
Fauvism, dadaism, cubism, surrealism, modernism.
We'll cover the rest next week.
- Yes? - Even Fluxus, dean Porter? Yeah, falls under Dada.
So, next week, we'll discuss the ways in which art reveals attitudes about the culture.
Wait.
You wanted me to remind you to assign everyone topics at the end of the session, Bette.
I mean, dean Porter.
Thank you, Nadia.
So we'll do that at the begining of next session.
I love you, Bette.
Would you marry me? Good job, Bette.
You've got them at the palm of your hand.
I wish I could do it every day.
Then your department heads would have to do their own fundraising.
I want to thank you for last night.
I had a lovely time.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.
I especially loved Alice.
- She's so vibrant.
- Yeah, she's a great girl.
So do you think she liked me? You know how to work a credit card? Not - Actually no.
- Well, I'm gonna - bloody Martha to help you.
- Okay.
Good morning, the WAX, how may I help you? - No! Say WAX.
- Sorry.
- Just WAX.
- WAX? Martha? I'm sorry.
What was that you were saying? I need a box of bones, reds, tunes, wax and grip tape.
I'm sorry, could you just give me one more minute.
You need a box of Red Bones and what? Can you just give me moment? Wow! Wow! Fancy! I like this.
This is good.
All new Bette, huh? Artsy A little artsy-fartsy going on here.
We have a situation, Alice.
What? Are you gonna stick me in a corner with adunce's cap on, principal Porter? My boss is attracted to you.
- Really? - Yeah.
She thinks you two made a real connection.
She said that you made a meaningful eye contact with her.
Is that true? She thinks I flirted with her? Alice, this isn't funny.
- No.
- No, it's not.
She wept in my arms because she's been unhappy for 25 years and now she's dying to find out what she's been missing and she thinks you sent her signals.
- She really thinks I sent her signals? - Yeah.
- Really? - Yes.
And we have to do something about it.
- We've got to let her down easy.
- Okay, okay.
- Alice, it's not funny.
- No.
It's not funny.
You guys, aren't they cute? And that is supposed to be cheeseburgers.
You're sure you don't mind? - Not at all.
- I'll go get the buns.
Alright.
Hi, Max.
Hey.
I'm really glad you came.
Well, it was nice of your dad to invite me.
I invited you.
Well, then it was nice of you to invite me.
Hey Brooke! - I'll see you in a minute, okay? - Alright.
I'll be right with you.
Good afternoon, the I mean, WAX Shane? Gary Geller, marketing director for Hugo Boss.
- Hi.
- I know you were at Cherie Jaffe's party last week.
- Oh - You don't remember? I don't know.
I was a little uh Yeah, me too.
But you made quite impression on me.
I have a proposition for you.
Max, you're working too hard.
Come on, why don't you come use the pool? No! Try them on, I'll take some shots and I'll send them to Hugo Boss himself.
Look, I appreciate that you came down here and all, but, I'm not a model.
It's a lucrative gig.
Yeah, I'm sure it is but I'm just Sorry, I'm not interested.
Excuse me.
Shay! Hey.
How are you doing? How was school? Do you wanna get homework done? Take some time, think about it.
No.
But thank you, I appreciate it.
I'm sorry, Brooke.
I'm really sorry.
I just I have this ear condition, you know.
Ever since I was in some team in high school and I I can't go in the water.
Okay? And it really bombs me out.
I shouldn't freak out on you like that.
I'm really sorry.
I forgive you.
You do? I'm crazy about you.
Don't point! Have a good evening everyone.
Don't forget to give me your list for the major donors reception by friday.
Long day, Bette.
Yeah, and it's not a wrestle.
I have to prove the artwork for the presentation.
Phyllis.
Alice.
Hello, Professor Porter.
Dean Porter, Alice.
You're demoting her.
I am taking Phyllis to Murakami.
Lesbian sushi.
Really? Lesbians have their own special kind of sushi? Oh, yeah.
Phyllis, I think that you should order Bette out on a date.
Is this a date? She works too hard.
Well, I can't exactly order her to go out on a date.
No, you really can't.
But I do hope you're taking care of your personnal needs, Bette.
Acadomia can be so very suffocating.
Oh, yeah, she's right.
Have a good date.
Okay, thanks.
Phyllis! Fuck, Alice.
You're right.
It's my fault.
I've completely fucked up this schedule.
I mean, maybe we can Sure.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I can't even tell which is the phone, which is the WAX.
Maybe if we can have a look at it.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! This is yours and Fuck! And this is yours.
And Hello? That bad, huh? I'm just not up to this, Shane.
I'm just Thanks for the opportunity though.
You know, I I can guarantee there's something you're really good at.
I do.
But I think you just need to take the time and figure out what this is.
Thanks.
So don't worry about this.
- It's a fucking mess, but - Yeah, what a mess! Let's go lock up.
Can you get my bag? Thanks, Shay.
- Thanks, Shane.
- Of course.
Don't worry about it.
Alright.
Grab that.
Oh, Nadia.
What are you doing here? I seem to remember when you were interviewing TA candidates that you said, "If I'm working, you're working".
I finished the first set for the media lab.
God, you are really talented.
That means a lot coming from you.
Nadia? Where do you live? Echo Park.
Do you need a ride? Yeah.
- I don't wanna trouble you.
- No, it's not trouble.
I mean, it's more or less on my way home.
So Would it be wrong if I told you that I can't keep my eyes off of you? Yes.
Would it be wrong if I told you that you are the most intriguing person that I've ever met? Yes.
Would it be wrong if I told you that I have never wanted to kiss someone more than I want to kiss you right now? Nadia