The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s04e03 Episode Script

Will you tell that new guy On camera 3 Not to go so close On larry? General rule of thumb-- If you see nose hair, It's too close.
Aha! Checks for larry, Birds for hank Aw, throw that one away.
Make sure that ryan o'neal Has everything he needs.
He's a personal friend.
I want him well taken care of.
gracias, hombre.
vamanos.
Hey, brian needs you.
Paula, i looked over The brett butler questions.
As much as i'd love Larry to ask her About her gorgeous New tits, I feel we covered That front quite well When miss butler Was here in may.
Yeah? Yeah, you're right.
I'm a little spacey today.
You have to forgive me.
I've got my period.
Really? Yeah.
You know, you used that Excuse 10 weeks ago, Memory serves.
That means you're not Due to start your cycle Until the 22nd or 23rd.
Well, how do you know I wasn't lying the last time? You were a bit puffy.
Oh, you're good.
You're not the first woman Who's told me that.
Arthur.
Yo.
You've got to talk to larry.
He won't wear the hat For this sketch.
Do you like history, phil? What does that mean? Because if larry doesn't Want to wear the hat, That's what It becomes, dig? Listen, if he doesn't Wear the hat, Then this sketch Is going to die.
He is supposed to be The gorton's fisherman.
Without the hat, he's just A guy in a yellow slicker.
Ha ha.
What? Makes me laugh.
What makes you laugh, The sketch? No.
The word "slicker" Makes me chuckle.
Say it again.
Slicker.
Use it in a sentence.
I like my slicker.
Ha ha.
Artie, i'm gonna kick Somebody's ass, i swear.
Profanity, beverly.
I love it.
My mother's here To see the show.
Her first visit To california, And that wendy bitch In charge of the audience-- She's got her Way in the hell up there Where we put the retards.
We call them "Mentally challenged" Now, beverly.
Look-- The sketch is dead.
Look, i don't care, artie.
You gotta handle this for me.
I don't ask for much, But my mother's here all The way from philadelphia.
Don't twist your skivvies In a knot, sugar.
We'll put her Right down front, ok? Thank you.
Having fun Showing her around? Artie, the woman Is my mother.
Hang in there, baby.
Arthur, arthur, oh, good.
Hank wants to see you in his Dressing room right away.
It's an emergency.
Is there blood? Everywhere.
About 10 minutes away From warm-up, pal.
Don't you think You better go change? I know, but we have Got a problem.
What, can't find your way Upstream to spawn? This is about respect.
This is about personal space.
Hey, skip to the end.
Got it.
Here's the long And short of it-- Someone has been touching My karaoke machine.
Oh, god, no! This machine was a gift From the manufacturer, artie.
This is a special, Limited-edition model.
And not to get Off the subject, But i think we could Use this on the show And just have a lot of fun With it.
I think we could.
Really? No.
The thing is, A person or persons Has been coming in here And just using this baby Without my permission.
I walk in the morning, The red light is on, And this baby is just Warm to the touch, And i gotta tell ya, It's unsettling.
Do we have to settle This crisis right before We go on the air? Yes, we do.
I've had bri ask around To find out Who the culprit might be, And, bri, by the way, If it's you, it's fine.
Just tell me.
I know how your people Enjoy the karaoke.
It wasn't me, hank.
Now if you'll excuse me, I must go call my parents And tell them i'm asian.
I miss darlene.
And not just because Of, you know, The, uh, the sweaters.
Excuse me.
My next guest is, uh-- My next guest is hilarious.
She's literally My favorite guest Here on the larry sanders show.
I love having her on.
You know her from her Many appearances On this show As well as roseanne.
Please welcome our favorite-- Sandra bernhard.
[Applause, cheering.]
Thank you.
Hi, hank.
How are you? Missed you.
Missed you.
I miss you so much That it's killing me.
You know, that was The least graceful Entrance We've ever had On the show.
Would you expect Anything less from me? I thought i was Going to lead.
From moi? We both came in At the same time.
I know, and i love that.
I love that about us.
I would rather sometimes Be allowed to be the man.
Well, you're gonna have A little bit of a fight On your hands.
Well, you have-- Heh heh.
Look at you In a shawl-collar jacket.
Will you stop killing me with The fashion statements tonight? I know.
You don't think This is a fashion don't? It is-- no, it's a fashion Do-do-do-do * Do-do-do-do-do-do-do * Wow.
Gee whiz.
I wish i could do that.
You're bitter about The lisa marie- Michael jackson thing, Aren't you? I picture you bitter.
You wanted to be With one of them.
I went over to lisa-- I went over to lisa marie And michael jackson's house.
I got into bed with them.
They had plenty of room.
I don't know What the problem is.
Well, now, what would Be your prediction For the relationship? Do you think it's a-- You don't think it's A real relationship.
Oh, i think they're Just going at it Like, you know, Cats and dogs.
What do you mean exactly? I don't know What i mean by that.
They're arguing, or they're Burying stuff in the backyard? I don't know.
It's just-- For all i know-- [Laughter, applause.]
They're going out.
How's your career going? Oh, it's just fabulous.
Everything's happening.
All at once, They're just coming at me Who is? Everybody in the business.
Is that a good thing That they're coming at you Apparently, It's a nightmare.
Well, Have you got going on? Not a damn thing.
I've been Fired off everything.
No, you haven't.
I'm kidding.
All right, Let's take a break, And we'll be Right back with [Loud cheering.]
No flipping.
We're clear.
Sandra, my love, Promise, come back soon.
I didn't know I was going anywhere.
Let's just keep her on For another segment.
She's doing great.
Of course, honey.
I could Stay here all fucking night.
Good.
I adore you.
Do anything for you.
It's so great to be here.
I have an erection.
Funny, so do i.
Hey, 2 erections And nowhere to go.
Ouch.
Hey, amigo, maybe You've forgotten I've got my buddy Ryan o'neal Behind the curtain.
I promised I'd get him on tonight To plug his new film With cher.
You know, It's called faithful, Which i would like to be.
Yes.
Is this about me? No, this isn't about you.
Listen, by all means, Keep sandra on, But don't bump ryan.
He loves you, He loves sandra.
He'll be fun.
I won't bump ryan.
Ok.
I'm sick about this, But you know what? It happens all the time.
Hey, thanks for being A soldier about this, Rye bread.
We're gonna Call jimmy wyatt Tomorrow morning, And i'll resched.
Yes, absolutely.
Sandra was out there.
She was doing great.
Artie made the decision To keep her on, And that's a tough call, But that's why He's the producer.
Yeah, that's right.
No one is safe From my mighty ax, Even my best buddy.
Hey, don't worry about it.
I'll see you again.
We'll have a great time.
Tell farrah and tatum And the others i said hi.
I will.
Good.
Big fans.
Hey, me, too.
[Sigh.]
I feel like shit About this.
I rented barry lyndon The other night, You haven't Aged a day, you dog.
Artie, how long we known Each other, 20 years? And this is the bullshit I get? Make you feel better To hit me? Go ahead.
Shut up.
You know You want to.
I'm not hitting anymore.
Artie, you sold me out.
Listen, come on now.
It's a little more Complicated than the way-- Fuck you.
And the next time you need Somebody to pick you up After one of your d.
U.
I.
S, Don't call me.
Just listen to me.
Let me give you my side.
Get lost.
Hey, how you doing? And don't call me rye bread.
It's what farrah calls me.
Don't tell me to calm down.
You just like to enjoy Making me look like A rat bastard, don't you? I know it's my job To cover your ass, But this is the limit.
Speaking of my ass, If it gets any bigger, It's gonna need a publicist.
I'm not kidding.
It's gonna have a career Of its own soon.
Aw, come on.
Why'd you have to Sell me down the river to ryan Of all people? Why'd you tell him it was My decision to bump him? I know you didn't want to have That blood on your hands, But why'd you have to go And wipe it all over me? He seemed ok with it.
You think so? Yes.
Of course, That's what you'd think Because you're such A brilliant judge of what People are feeling.
Thank you.
I'm sorry To interrupt, boys.
Your office is looking for you.
You have a phone call.
Not now.
It's your wife.
Ex-wife.
Ok.
Where is she? The netherlands.
Heh.
Why not? She's probably screwing Hans brinker.
She's making his skates Into earrings as we speak.
I'm gonna take this call, And i'm gonna come back here, And we're gonna settle some Things once and for all.
I mean it, larry.
Oh, he's upset.
Oh, you think? Yes, i think so.
That's what i'm picking up.
I've been told i'm a good judge Of what people are feeling.
I'm guessing he's upset.
That's not my problem now, Is it, sweetie? I'm sending you the money, But not until The first of the month.
Them's the rules, Baby.
Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, boo-hoo.
Hon, listen, you been at it For 15 minutes.
Give it up.
I'm not sending you One thin gilder.
Ok.
Yeah.
Ok, here's what you do-- Go to rotterdam, then You go to amsterdam, Then you go down the road To my city.
That's right.
It's A little place called I don't give a damn.
Bye, now.
I don't give a damn.
That's a good one.
Ok, larry.
Where is he? Gone.
Uh-huh.
So he went as soon As i left to take the call.
Of course.
You didn't really Expect to find him here.
It's no use Calling him at home.
You know he's just gonna unplug His answering machine tonight.
I'm tired.
Why don't you just go home? Oh, i'm tired of this shit.
He's lucky he's Not in that chair, The fucking asshole.
Fuck him! Fuck me for taking This shit for so long! Woman: beverly? I'm coming, ma! I'm sorry.
No, it's all right.
Are you ok? I'm fine.
What are you gonna do? There's those Letters i hate.
There they are.
I hate Those fucking letters.
And now, because he's A big, phony bastard, Larry sanders! Hang in there, hank.
This is artie, Our producer.
What a kiss-ass.
All right.
Jesus christ.
[Music plays.]
* I wanna be around To see how he does it * * When he breaks Your heart to bits * * Let's see If the puzzle fits * * So fine * * And that's when i'll discover That revenge is sweet * * As i sit there applauding From a front-row seat * * When somebody Breaks your heart * * Like you broke mine * * And that's when i'll discover That revenge is sweet * * As i sit there applauding From a front-row seat * * When somebody breaks Your heart * * Like you * * Broke mine * * Like you * * Like you broke mine * [Hums.]
Like you broke mine.
[Clapping.]
Hey! Who's back there? Hey! Hey there! Hold it! I'm talking to you, asshole! Hold it! [Eastern european accent.]
I'm sorry.
I new here.
What are you doing On my stage? Hello.
I janitor.
I hear that sing.
Very good.
I sorry.
Well, you don't belong here.
I hear that sing.
Where are you from? Toluca lake In california.
Yeah, i recognize that Toluca lake accent.
No, dipshit.
I mean recently, Before toluca lake.
Before? Brasov, romania.
Oh.
What's your name? Nicolae.
I'm artie.
Hello, artie.
I sorry I hear that sing.
Uh-huh.
Very good.
Very sorry.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Thought it was pretty good? Oh, is very good.
And over there-- That's the band.
You know, music.
And the audience, Of course, seated here.
Yes.
And that's my monitor.
I stand right over there During the show.
Yes.
And, uh, right here, This is larry's desk.
Yes.
You watch the show? Yes.
You like it? Yes.
You watch it a lot? Yes.
Who larry is? Larry sanders.
LarrySanders.
Yes, this is his show.
the larry sanders show.
You just told me That you watch the show a lot.
Yes, but is no larry.
Yes, is larry.
He sits Right here at the desk.
This is his desk.
Over there on the couch, That's where hank is.
Hank.
Hank is very good.
Ha! You know hank? Hey now! Hey now! Oh, god, i wish larry Were here right now.
Hey now.
Hey now! Hey now! You know why We get along, nic? 'Cause we're brothers.
We're the unsung heroes.
I clean up shit all day, You clean up shit All night.
It's different shit, But we're the guys Pushing the broom.
Here you go.
What this is? It's scotch whiskey.
See, glenlivet? Single malt.
When you die, You'll go to heaven, You say hello to god, And when god Says hello to you, This is what you'll Smell on his breath.
Skoal.
Hello.
Hello.
Heh heh heh.
Whoo-chihuahua.
I'm sick Of looking at this Fucking picture here.
It's going, it's gone.
Bye-bye.
You're lucky, nic, 'Cause the shit i clean up Talks back.
[Belches.]
hi, larry? This is arthur.
I'm sitting here with My good buddy nicolae, And i Was leaving you a message On your office voice mail.
It's 3:15 a.
M.
, And i'll level with ya.
I'm furious at ya, buddy.
I, uh, i'm gonna Resist the urge To, uh, express my anger By using profanity, And i hope you Appreciate that, you Scum-sucking asshole! I've given this A great deal of thought.
I think the best Thing for me to do Is to move on, you Limp-dicked pantywaist.
I want you to know That i I wish you great success With the show.
And personally, i have No ill will toward you-- But hope your balls fall off.
Hey, you're getting The hang of it.
Ok, take care.
All right, now.
Ah Why don't you tell me about Those gorgeous women in romania? Women in romania Good.
Big.
Big, huh? I'll bet you'd love My good friend liz ashley.
She big? Oh, good.
Hey, nic, Take a look up there.
See all those Beams there? How they're All tied together? There's an architectural Term for that.
I don't know What the hell it is, But they should Call it the arthur.
Is the arthur.
That's right.
Because all the pressure In this building, All the stress Goes right into that, But does it crack? Does it? No! Aw, say, you bet your ass.
Damn right it doesn't.
See, that's me up there.
What's my point? Hey, yeah.
You know, Night after night, You work and work-- Work, put on the show, You do the best you can, And-- and after all, What does it add up to? 'Cause all people remember Is the night the chimp Grabbed larry's balls.
Hope they fall off! Oh, settle down.
We're not Doing that right now.
No? Sorry.
No.
Yeah, yeah, That's what my Life ultimately means.
That's the way it adds up-- Just a monkey and some balls.
What the hell Am i complaining for? Jesus christ.
Look at you, You poor bastard.
Bet your whole ass.
Here.
Looky here.
I want you to take this.
Go on, take it.
No.
Fuck your pride.
Keep the clip, too.
Too very many.
Naw.
You see this? Look, the great one-- Mr.
Jackie gleason himself-- God love ya, buddy-- He gave me this the year He took his show to florida.
I want you to have it.
No.
Yeah.
No, it's yours Because you're my brother.
BrotherI love you.
Aw, i love you, brother.
[Bottle breaks.]
Oh, what the Oh, there goes glen.
I'm sorry, brother.
Aw, that's What the hell.
Just get Your mop and clean it up.
Is bullshit.
What? What bullshit? Why nicolae get mop? Brother, you throw bottle.
You go clean.
Oh, ho ho.
Well, Excuse me, brother.
You're still the fucking Janitor, aren't you? Mm-hmm.
Go to hell.
Fuck you.
Go to hell.
Ah Here.
[Grumbling.]
Here.
Money's back, Clip is back.
Take.
I no want.
Ah, you're a fucking Idiot, you know that? [Hiccup.]
Gimme my watch.
Watch i keep.
Aw, get your ass back here.
I hope your balls Falling off! Ah, fuck you.
You're fired.
I union.
Union this! I no need brother Like you.
God damn it, Give me that watch! Uh, this is joel.
And, joel, are you An ape or a monkey? [Laughter.]
Should i throw it? Is she gonna take the ball? Ha! Now you know how i feel, pal.
Well, before we wrap The anniversary show Up tonight, I wanna say that we Wouldn't even be having An anniversary show If it weren't For the work of one man.
I'm talking about Our producer artie.
Can we get a-- Can we get a camera on him? You wanna take a bow There, artie? Take a bow.
He's a great guy.
And we all love him.
And he's smiling like that Because his refund check From the betty ford clinic Just came in the mail today.
Heh heh heh.
Prick.
Good morning.
Good morning.
It's going to be a good one Tonight.
I feel it.
Artie, The karaoke machine.
Trouble, hank? No, that's just the point.
Everything is dan-dan-dandy.
Thanks for getting The word out.
Now, the thing is-- Yes, sir.
It appears that someone has Vomited in my wastebasket-- I'll get on it right away.
I said to myself, "Well, did i do that?" But i don't think i did.
Who'd we have On the show last night? I believe random vomit Is the janitor's responsibility.
Have brian call And ask for nicolae.
Is he in? Yes.
Have you, by chance, Gone through His voice-mail messages? Yes.
And he only got one.
From jack levitz in publicity.
That's the only one he got? No, but that's The only one he heard.
God love your bones.
[Kiss.]
Morning, chief.
Morning.
I'm going to say a few words That'll really make you smile.
Ok.
Warm, moist, Muffin-y goodness.
Courtney cox? Oh, close.
A muffin.
All right.
Well, even better.
Listen, i told beverly To place a call To ryan o'neal, And i'm going to tell him That it was my fault He was bumped, ok? Not really necessary, my boy.
The storm is past.
It's something i wanna do.
And i got you this bottle Of glenlivet.
I know you really like that.
Believe it or not, This is just what i need.
Yes, i thought.
Oh, you forgot His muffin fork.
Will you sign this For my mother, please? Uh-huh.
Beverly, cancel the call To ryan o'neal, please.
Hmm? Uh, sorry.
Just cancel it.
Ok.
I'm going to put this Into a secure spot, And then i'll meet you Down on the stage, And we'll preview Tonight's desk piece.
Toodles.
You told him that i didn't Hear the message, right? Yeah.
Good, good.
How bad was it? Bad.
Not as bad as the one He left me last year.
[Chuckles.]
He's got this friend nicolae.
Whew.
What a mouth on that one.
[Chuckling.]
Beverly!