The League s04e03 Episode Script

You ever have one of those weekends where all you do is have sex? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, last night I was so sick of it that I had to fantasize about not having sex just to get an erection.
You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Yeah, of course.
Of course.
Guys, you have no idea what he's talking about.
I guarantee none of you ever had a weekend like that.
What's the most you've had sex in one day? I I Th-Three? Yeah, I-I max out at three, too.
Does, uh, masturbation count? No.
It's a sexual act.
Just out of curiosity, Andre, how many times have you masturbated in one day? Twelve.
What?! What?! Well, okay, look, I took Cialis, and I was supposed to meet a date.
She never showed up, so I just had to, you know, ride it out.
It was the craziest brunch ever.
Jenny.
What? How many times have you had sex in a day? I'm not gonna tell you that.
'Scuse you, sir.
Come on, Jenny! Tell us.
Tell us, Jenny.
Ugh! Fine.
Five.
Really? Five.
Kev! Holding out on us.
Nice, buddy! Nice work.
It wasn't with Kevin.
Oh! Kev-bo, don't worry about it.
You can top that.
Just slap some Drakkar on, get yourself a box of wine, and then pound away on little Petey until he calls uncle.
Uncle! Too late.
This place is nice.
Yeah, I take all my clients here.
It's, like, authentic sushi.
It's got a terrible name, though.
Spooky Sushi? I don't know what's so appetizing about the thought of haunted fish.
Yeah, there are a few Japanese restaurants that I've been haunted by.
Bad sashimi? No, miso soup.
It just makes me spray sour water-- ugh.
I will seat you at sushi bar.
Okay, great.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm starving.
Yeah.
I'm sick.
This place is delish.
Hey, how are you? I could eat here, like, five times a day.
You're such a dick, Ruxin.
What's up, dudes? So, what can I do for you guys? Omakase? That's the chef's choice.
This chef? You will not be disappointed, I'll tell you that right now.
I selected the fish myself.
Really? I'll tell you guys something.
Japanese chefs, we don't like to brag, but I got a knack for selecting the right fish for the right people.
You know how I do it? I pick up on your vibe.
I just get your energy.
I paint a portrait of you two dudes with, like fish.
Huh.
Cool.
Excuse me.
Yes? Is there another table? 'Cause we're very cold.
Cold? Brr! It's not cold.
No, there's no other table.
Thank you.
So, uh, you've been a sushi chef for a while? 14 years.
Studied a year and a half in Japan, where my master, Kenji Nakamaro, says, "Wesley-san, your hands make poetry of fish.
" And then I moved out here.
Wesley-san? Mmm, hai.
Where are you from? Uh, I grew up in O-ma-ha.
Where's that? It's in, like, Nebraska.
Oh, Omaha.
Yeah.
Pretty sure that's what I said.
So you're a Cornhusker, huh? Hai.
Yeah Um, we I got to go.
Yeah.
Master of sushi chefs.
So, I got to get back.
Right.
You got to go.
Because I'm white.
What? You heard me.
You're wh Wait a minute.
It's okay, brothers.
I'm used to it.
You're white? Arigato, racists.
Okay.
Racist? No, no.
Get out.
Huh? This is classic.
Only you two idiots could be called racist by a white guy.
We're not racists, okay? I worked at the ACLU after college.
Wait, but didn't you quit that job because of the "stinky Greek person"? Look, Stavros didn't wear deodorant.
I found it to be a hostile work environment.
Well, this is an interesting conundrum, though.
Can you be racist against your own race? Like white on white-- is that racist? You know what, as a foodie, I see where you guys are coming from.
It's not being racist-- it's discriminating.
No, it's called discrimina-tion, okay? I don't care what it's called-- if I walk into a Thai massage parlor and I see myself, there's, like, a 60% chance I'm turning around.
Exactly.
It's the Peyton Hillis conundrum; it's why white guys didn't want to draft him.
Oh, so Wesley-san is the scrappy gym rat of sushi chefs.
Exactly.
Sorry, just to backtrack, there is a 40% chance that you would stay and get a handjob from yourself.
I know what I'm doing down there.
Hey, hey.
You got bigger problems to worry about racist.
I think I have to go back and apologize.
This sushi restaurant is across the street from me, the food is terrific-- I cannot get banned from Spooky Sushi.
All right, guys, look, we got to talk about this weekend.
Paintball-- we've been talking about it forever, okay? So I finally went ahead and just booked it for this Sunday.
Who's in? Can't do it.
I can't do it.
What, you got a Klan rally? No, we got kids' birthday parties.
All day.
All day.
You know, these birthday parties are the worst.
You are stuck there talking to people you have nothing in common with, except you had unprotected sex at the same time.
I love paintball.
I'm definitely in.
I've been on vacation since I sold dallascowboys.
com.
Unlike these stiffs, I've already made my nuts.
All right, Andre, what's going on? You know what, I'd love to go with you guys to Ben's party.
Wait, why would you go to a kid's party? You don't have a kid.
It'll be fun.
No, it will not be fun.
It would be creepy.
Why would that be creepy? I like going, I like children, I like going to parties.
Andre, you're even creepy eating corn.
Have you ever watched yourself eat a piece of corn? It's like this Yeah, you look like a rat trying to gnaw off its own leg to avoid a trap.
Hey, you know what, that's because I'm trying to get all the corn off the cob.
I mean, you guys you have sloppy cobs.
I mean, I've checked 'em out at picnics, checked 'em out at parties, checked 'em out at your house.
I didn't realize you spent this much time looking at their cobs.
Of course, I check out your cobs-- 'cause I'm spending all that money on corn.
Your cobs better be clean! And I'm not ashamed to admit it-- when you guys aren't looking, I'll lick your cobs bone-dry.
You ever eat two cobs at once? Sometimes I'll just have a whole meal of cobs.
Just, like, two fistfuls? Just double-fisting? No, see, I would never grab it by the base.
I would start at the tip.
So, come on, guys, really? You really can't come? Can't do it.
Wow.
So this is the weekend of the haves and the have-nots.
I got to say I'm glad to be a have-not.
Amen, brother.
Have fun, boys.
What? Screw him.
Why would he do that? It's just bullshit that he rubs it in our face like that.
Like, "Oh, I don't have kids, so now I have time to deal with fantasy football and go You know what, here's what paintballing.
" we'll do-- we'll freeze him out.
How are you gonna do that? Informational freeze-out.
He's not gonna be around a computer, he's not gonna be around a television-- he's gonna want fantasy football information.
But he's gonna have his phone on him.
Oh, you mean this phone? You stole his phone? Whoa.
What a diabolical plan, like Schwarzenegger in Batman and Robin.
Hello, Pete.
I hope you have a nice freeze-out.
Yeah, you're not coming to this party.
Anyway, Wesley-san, so, I just wanted to apologize for Kevin, 'cause No, no, no.
my buddy's racist.
I felt it.
He's a self-hating white guy.
I get it, but that's not you.
You like your rice white-- why not your chef? Am I right? See, I love white guys.
Hai.
I mean, I've been drafting Peyton Hillis since he was on Denver.
Ah, before he started kicking ass in Kan-sa City! Yeah, Kan-sa City.
So, Ruxin-san, omakase? Yeah, chef's choice.
I'm picking up on your vibe right now.
What are you thinking, like a spicy tuna hand roll? That's not you, man.
I see the dark, the complicated.
Ruxin-san, a lot of shit going on in there, man.
That's why you're like uni.
And what's uni? Sea urchin, bro.
Sea urchin? Mmm, yummy-umah.
'Cause it looks like the aftermath of a lipo surgery.
So we don't like, fry this up? Oh, no, dame, no.
It's killer sush, dude.
Okay.
Am I supposed to eat this just like this? Mmm.
Ah, you love it? You can really taste the urchin.
Okay now, Ruxin-san, ready for amaebi? And what is that? Live shrimp, dude.
And I just I You don't even feign preparation for this.
Trust me, you'll love it.
Dude, I love white dudes.
So why would I love eating a live shrimp marginally prepared by one? Hai! Hai! Hai! Hi.
Hai! No, I have no idea where your cell phone is, Pete, but I will keep an eye out for it.
Okay.
Two birthday parties tomorrow.
Patricia's kid and Ben's kid.
What? Five, huh? Oh, Kevin, come on.
I just blurted out a number.
Oh, okay, so what's the real number then? Five.
Oh, my God, woman! Did you even have time to eat or bathe yourself in between? Well, one was in the shower.
Fine, who was it? I want to know who it was.
It was ages ago, Kevin.
I tell you about my sexual history.
I don't want to know.
I have to tell you, otherwise I might forget.
Just tell me who it was.
It was in college.
And who was it? It was Ben.
Ben? Ben, like we're going to that kid's birthday party, Ben? That guy? God! I mean, what is he? He's got four kids.
He's like a jackhammer, just ba-ba-boom.
It doesn't matter.
It's not a competition.
It wasn't, but now it is.
Really? Yeah, we're gonna break that record.
Really? You and I, let's do it.
Okay.
Yeah, let's go, come on.
Okay.
We can do this.
Okay.
What are you doing? Need to get my strength up.
One! Oh, I see stars.
All right, listen up.
The name of the game is "Capture the Flag.
" If you are shot, you are eliminated.
Put your barrel plugs in your weapons, raise your hand, walk off the field.
Guess what I have? Holy shit, that's my phone.
Where'd you find it? Kevin found it at our house.
Whatever, just give me the phone.
What language is this? Is this Portuguese? Yep.
Oh, well.
Hello? Kevin, change it back.
Well, I would, but I don't speak Portuguese, so Come on, it's Sunday.
I need to check my scores.
With all my terrible, boring responsibilities today, I don't know if I'd have time to do something fun like switch your phone back from Portuguese.
Ata a vista.
No Dick.
Masks must be worn at all times.
No head, neck, or groin shots within ten feet.
Give me some space here, commando? What's up? Oh, shit.
What? Raffi, what the hell are you doing here? Paintball.
Taco put it on his myface page.
I figured I was invited.
Please don't tell me he's on our team? Oh, yeah, I'm on your team.
I don't like it either, guys.
I'm more of an army of one kind of a guy.
What smells like feces? Huh? Oh, yeah, that's me.
Yeah, no, I've been living out here for like, three or four days, you know, getting the lay of the land.
Most of my meals are coming from second harvest, though.
What's second harvest? You know, animals don't digest everything they eat.
You can find a lot perfectly edible food in their droppings.
Holy s is that a real gun? What? No, this is a paintball gun.
What are you, crazy? The other two are real, though.
Only when you hear me blow this whistle will the game begin.
Guess what? Game just began.
Murder! We're gonna win.
My business is killing me, man.
I'm in the middle of trying to break this sex record.
How many times have you had sex? Four times in the last 18 hours.
That doesn't sound fun to me.
It's grueling.
I think the third time, between us, nothing came out.
Like my dick just dry heaved.
I feel like I'm running some sort of sexual marathon.
Buddy, you're up cock-break hill right now.
Whoa, did someone say a marathon? A what? A marathon? A what? A marathon? A what? Guys, come on.
You can't do it to yourself.
I could do it to myself.
I just did it.
What are you doing here, Andre? You don't even have a kid.
You guys have been holding out on me.
I'm meeting people I haven't seen in a long time.
I'm having some delicious food, and I'm getting to entertain these kids because guess what? The magic man is on the loose.
No, magic is creepy for adults.
You will give these children nightmares.
Is Lance Burton creepy? Yep.
Oh, Kevin.
What? The Amazing Andre is experiencing something Don't touch me.
within you.
You may not know this about me, but I have the power Oh, God.
of the dark arts.
If you Oh, God.
They say that you can manifest anything that you think of, and it's all right there.
Oh, my sweet God.
So now, my question to you is what do you believe in? What do you want to ta-da! Jesus, Andre, if you do that to a child, they're gonna shut this place down faster than Penn State.
Oh, come on, it's fun.
No, it's not fun, it's weird.
Yes.
Party people.
What, what? Thank you guys so much for coming.
Thanks for having us.
You got a bathroom I could use? Yeah, the guest room is right down the hall.
What about the master? No chance.
Worth a shot.
I'm gonna go blow that thing up.
All right, well, uh, the magician must prepare, so Oh, what's that? He get you? Well, not really, but I went with it.
It's so great to see you again.
You, too.
You really just had a kid? Yeah.
You look fantastic.
Oh, stop it.
And you have four, right? Well, we want six.
Really? Yeah.
We'd like to, you know? Get a hobby.
That is our hobby.
Yeah, he's good at it, so Thank you.
Thank you guys so much.
Yeah, this was great.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kevin.
What a D.
That's it, babe.
Are you kidding? We're breaking that record today, right here.
Right here on the grass? In that tree.
Go, go, go.
Go, go.
Go, go, go.
Get down, down! Down, down! This is awesome.
This is amazing.
These guys are totally missing out.
Check out what I brought.
Paint knife for close quarters.
Where did you get this? I got a paint knife guy.
You literally brought a paint knife to a paint gun fight.
All right, I got to get a fantasy update.
Eat paint, dick hole! Guys, what's going on with the games? I need a score update.
Um, I don't know, your team could be doing muito ruim.
Or muito bom.
Enough.
Just tell me, am I winning or not? Eat it, dick.
Assholes! They're freezing me out, aren't they? It's a freeze-out.
Looks like it.
Shit.
Here.
Do something with this.
I got you! Hey! I got you! Lie down and die! There you go.
I fixed it.
Taco, this is Japanese.
Yeah, I know a bit of Japanese.
Well, am I winning? Read it.
No, I can't read Japanese.
You have to read it to me, and I understand it.
All right, enough playing around-- we need to focus up.
This is a war zone.
I've got a P.
O.
W.
camp two clicks north of here in case we capture somebody.
Raffi, where the hell do you think you are right now? Vietnam, man.
Vietnam! You were in Vietnam? Yeah, 2007, actually, on a pretty intense sexual holiday.
It was pretty cool.
I had this one girl, she was back like this.
Ow! Something stung me.
What is it? Yeah, you got shot.
What? No, I put that paint there before the whole thing started, so it's not that big a deal; don't worry about it.
Ow! What is that? You're out of the game.
No, I'm not.
This is not a game.
This is war, okay, tall guy? And as far as I'm concerned, you're now the enemy.
I'll see you guys in hell.
Gattaca! Did he say "Gattaca"? Uh-huh.
Come and get me! Come and get me! Eat my dick! Gattaca! Oh, shit, Raffi went rogue.
Come and get me! Oh, God.
Hey, Wesley-san.
Hey.
Ruxin.
Ruxin-san, yeah.
This is my wife Yumiko.
Yumiko, Ruxin.
Konichiwa.
Sorry, bro, no English.
Shocker.
Konichiwa.
Konichiwa.
Totally, totally.
All right, babe, okay.
Wow.
So you married yourself a Japanese girl, huh? Yeah.
How about that.
Interesting, yeah.
Ooh, how so? Well, it's just funny 'cause you called me a white racist for choosing an Asian chef, and then you had your run of all the white women in the world and you chose yourself an Asian girl.
I mean, it's just interesting.
You lost me, bro.
Dude, you're a white racist.
I'm not racist, bro.
Really? Japanese beer? Hokkaido? I just prefer it.
You don't see this? You don't see my point? Super frustrating, bro.
Super frustrating, bro.
Oh! Oh, shit! Jesus Christ! We're getting pinned down bad.
Gattaca! Oh, shit, Raffi's trying to kill us, too.
Gattaca! I didn't think he'd seen that movie.
He wouldn't be yelling that if he had.
Shit, man! I gotta get my scores.
Okay, hey, Pete, guess what? I'm in the middle of something.
You're not getting these scores, Pete.
Stop saying "Pete," okay? Okay, no more Pete.
All right, let's get a picture of this.
Wait.
Me crossing the finish line! Kevin Switching to video.
No, Kevin! Stop! Switching back! And here we Oh! Oh, what? Oh, God, I got a cramp! What? I got a cramp! I'm going down! Are you okay? I finished.
Yay.
Fives.
All right, we're running out of time.
We're gonna have to blast our way out of here.
Yeah, we need to win this thing.
No, I don't give a shit about the paintball.
I gotta get my scores.
You ready? Yeah.
Three two one.
I slept with Megan.
What? Go! Whoo! What?! Let's go! Yah! Break left! Paint knife! Let's get out of here! Pete! What? The flag! We can win this.
Oh, now Kevin decides to call.
How did you turn my ringtone Japanese? Sorry, tall guy.
Welcome to Gattaca, asshole! That was a terrible movie.
Wait.
It's a movie? I can feel your penis in the back of my head.
It's a war boner, man.
Oh! Did you just pee on me? Oh, man, we just shared something, Taco.
Oh! Wouldn't it be magic, kids, if the Amazing Andre knew every card before he called them? Is it a nine? Is it a eight? Is it a? Hi.
Someone's in here.
I ripped my groin, Andre.
Ow! Move! What? What do I do? My groin's killing me! Sports rub, maybe.
I don't know.
Sports rub.
All right, get out.
Get out! All right! God! Oh! Oh, thank God! Please, can I just get up into that master bath? Buddy, I told you, master bath's off-limits, okay? I just need a 20-minute master bath sesh.
I need access to a shower, I need some quality magazines.
Man, you know your problem? You're eating all this candy like you're a little shit pig.
It's not the food, man.
It's that goddamn white sushi chef.
He gave me food poisoning.
No, man.
You been to Spooky Sushi? Yeah, and it's haunting me.
Hey, Ku Klux Kabachi, what's up, Wesley-san? Hey, Ruxin.
Bree, bro, brat-san.
What's up, Wesley-san? What's up, buddy? You don't look so good.
Yeah, it's 'cause you gave me food poisoning last night.
Japanese chef would never poison you.
Yeah, I don't think you're a Japanese chef.
I consider you a white dude from Oma-ha who can't make sush for shit! Whoa, bro In fact, I would rather have your son here make me sashimi than have you make me a veggie roll.
Bro, you got to back off now.
Or what? You gonna whip out some cornhusker ka-ra-te? I don't want to, but I will.
Well, if you're as good at karate as you are making sushi, I think I'm gonna be just fine.
Bro, you really think I poisoned you? Hai! Hai! Oh, hai! Oh, my God, Ruxin! Oh, the sush is loosh! Fine, buddy, you can use the master.
This guy fed me SpongeBob SquarePants, and now I'm gonna die, like in Alien! I'm gonna poke you in a few places, okay? Does this hurt? Oh, God, yes! It's appendicitis.
Call an ambulance! It's what? Appendicitis.
My bad, bro.
Am I still paying for the Spooky Sushi? Hai! Hai, bro.
Who had such a stinky diaper? Did you have such a stinky diaper? I'm in trouble.
Oh, baby, baby! I was applying some sports rub, and I was lathering up, and some of it got in my tailpipe! It's burning so bad! Okay, okay, lay down.
Lay down.
Lay down.
Ow, ow, ow! Oh, God! Just take these off.
Help, help, help, help! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Oh, it hurts so bad! Yeah, I'm gonna take a wipe, okay? Got a piece of that record! You did so good.
Oh, I'm a grown-ass man and I did it-- oh, God! You are a grown-ass man, and you did it.
Okay, does that feel better on you bum-bum? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my poor boys.
Oh, no.
Hey, Ruxin had appendicitis.
Oh, I didn't know you guys were doing this.
Wait, Ben-- I tied your sex record, buddy.
What? Come on, guys! Really? Six times in my daughter's bedroom? Thank you.
And it's her birthday.
By the way, that doesn't count.
But I am gonna try it.
Did he say six times? Whoops.