The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (2017) s04e03 Episode Script
Everything is Bellmore
1
One less angel in heaven, baby!
The guy at table six
took his dick out again.
Table six took his dick out! Table six took his dick out! - Motherfucker! - Trixie's down! Trixie, you okay? Hey, Jerry! That was the sweet, saintly Philomena.
Heavenly, wouldn't you say? Motherfuck, my fucking head! And that was Philomena's foulmouthed friend, Philadelphia.
Take it off! Sweet thought, but I think I'll keep it on.
- Take it off! - Take it off! - Take it off! - We're not kidding! Guys, hear me.
By the time I finish unzipping, unfastening and unhooking the medieval contraption of rayon and rubber that is my girdle, you'll all be back in bed with your wives telling them how much you hated working late.
Well, you didn't say you were gonna throw an oily, crumpled dollar bill at me.
Now it's coming off.
- Maisel! - Oops, no time.
Uh, but hold on to your Great Gatsbys, guys, 'cause here comes our salute to the Roaring '20s.
But first, Sapphira, Lonely Harem Girl.
- What the hell? - I didn't know.
No one knows shit around here.
Three, four.
Boise, what happened to the Roaring '20s? Trixie got beaned by the wire.
- I saw.
I heard.
- So we went with Harem Girl.
- Without telling me.
- You were onstage.
Getting the crowd excited for a sexy flapper.
- We confused them.
- Look, as long as some girl's out there shaking her chichis, those guys don't care - how the fuck they're dressed.
- I disagree.
With Sapphira the Harem Girl, they're anticipating sultry, mysterious chichis, not the bippity-boppity chichis of the Roaring '20s girl.
Look, no one's confused 'cause no one's hardly listening to you.
- I take offense at that.
- You all do.
Can do better than this, Boise.
Talk to Clifford.
He signs the checks.
- Ooh! - Excusez-moi.
Hey, everyone.
Uh, Boise's not so great at formal introductions, so I wanted to introduce myself.
Hi.
I'm Midge.
Mrs.
Maisel.
I'm the new MC here at the Wolf, so any of you want to add a dash of humor to your routines, consider me your comedy consultant.
Okay, well As you were.
Ooh! Sorry.
Come on, six.
Come on, six.
Oh! The hard way! - Let's go again.
Come on.
- Raking it in.
- Yes.
- Damn.
Clifford.
- Cup of coffee for you.
- On a hot one tonight! - I know you like one right around now.
- Oh.
Come on, dice! Dice Smells fresh.
- Crap! - It's supposed to.
So, I would love to suggest some small improvements that I think would make the club all that it can be.
Yeah, uh A better system for announcing the acts would be great.
Plus, there are a lot of avoidable injuries.
Maybe we should have a safety meeting.
- Uh - In the Catskills, I was frequently voted safety monitor for various activities: water sports, backpacking.
We were hiking once, and the rabbi thought for sure he got bit by a snake.
I sucked on that man till he almost passed out.
On his ankle, that is.
Turned out to just be a couple of mosquito bites, but people sure got a laugh out of it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, have a have a think on that.
And That's a safety risk, too.
Fucking angel.
Let me bum one.
Did you hear what happened out there? Flapper got her head smashed in.
Heard the cursing.
Sounded kind of funny.
Wasn't funny.
It's sloppy.
This place has a lot of work to do.
It's a strip club.
As long as a girl's up there shaking her chichis, none of it matters.
Maisel! Sapphira's wrapping up.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
- Who's next? - Annie Oakley.
- Thank you.
- Or Brenda the Bird Girl.
- Take it off! - Hey, there.
You miss me? Take it off! Come along with me To my little corner of the world And dream a little dream Chester, you left the fucking door open again.
How many times do I got to Is this something icky? - You must be Susie.
- Yeah.
I'm Nancy.
Jackie's sister.
- Oh.
Well, he's - Dead.
He's dead.
I'm sorry, what? A stroke sometime this afternoon.
A stroke? I was actually at his bedside before he passed.
He was still talking.
Yeah, he likes to talk.
His final words were actually for you.
For me? I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
"Susie, the guys are coming to sand the floor at noon.
Be there to let them in.
They're flaky, so fuck knows if they'll show.
Remember, Monday's a holiday, so don't put the garbage out Sunday night.
We already got one ticket from the city.
If you're going to make spaghetti sauce, push the curtains back, because you splash a lot, and you can't get sauce out of that fabric.
It's just too delicate.
" Plastic.
The modern miracle.
And, ladies, these are some of the finest plastic products - on the household market.
- They sure are.
There's so much to choose from.
There's so many convenient sizes, so many vivid colors.
And you are going to want it all.
This is the Wonderlier.
That's such a cute name.
I love that name.
And for sizable suppers, the large Wonderlier.
Well, I have to have two of everything now.
It's just so good! Sign me up.
Uh, pass the Wonderliers around, ladies, and I will be right back.
Oh, ladies, do I have a story for you.
- I know a girl - You'd have less need for Tupperware if you weren't just cooking for one.
- Can we set up a lunch? - Uh, Mama, Jean here is missing out on the demonstration.
Why don't you get back to the group, Jean.
Miriam, I'm trying to make a sale here.
And so am I.
Beat it.
She's making dinner, and in comes a burglar with a gun.
She screams, he shoots, and the Tupperware she was holding stops the bullet.
I mean, they don't even mention that in the literature.
Imogene.
Dial it down, woman.
Midge, do you want to make some sales or not? - Yes.
- Showing them how to burp a two-quart is not going to move product, and you are here to move product.
Now sell.
Ladies, I think it's time to get those order forms out.
And when that is done, I will announce the winner of the silliest Tupperware hat.
Oh, my God.
What? Are you okay? Uh Everyone, uh, please excuse me.
- Imogene? - I got it.
Let's drop the bullshit, ladies, and make some deals.
You need to eat.
- Mm-hmm.
- This hot plate is no good.
I don't think all this is gonna fit.
- How's that sandwich? - Great.
Hot here, cold here.
Okay, we're officially out of room.
What? No.
The pudding has to go in there.
- Don't think so.
- Oh, strudel.
Okay, we can freeze the chicken.
- Where's the freezer? - Up there.
What is this place, the gulag? Oh, I made Zelda mad.
- I didn't know you could make Zelda mad.
- Trade you.
All the lady magazines say you should defrost once a month.
- This is crazy.
- Mmm, good coffee.
- Oh, you've got ants.
- You should've called me.
I called you.
I mean the minute you found out.
I don't want you sitting in a dark apartment, drinking for hours by yourself at a time like this.
- I'm here.
- Now you're mad just like Zelda.
I'm not mad.
Jackie's dead.
I know, honey.
Really? He was here all alone, then bam.
Old Gianni upstairs said he heard a thud.
Called the cops.
They load him in the car, and they took him to Bellevue, and by 9:00, that was it.
- He's gone.
- Well, he wasn't sick.
He didn't suffer.
We should be grateful for that.
It was the chili dogs.
I warned him about those chili dogs.
Fucking guy subsisted on chili dogs.
The ice wins.
We have to eat it all now.
When's the service? - Don't know.
- Well, how can I get ahold of his sister? - Don't know.
- Did she leave a card? - No.
- Maybe she wrote something down? You have one fork? She didn't write anything down.
I don't know where the funeral is.
I don't know where the sister is or who the sister is.
I just know that last night, when I wasn't here, the biggest pain in my ass ever dropped the fuck dead in my apartment! Forks.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I don't want to stay in this apartment.
Somebody died here.
It's creepy.
Mm, it's not the first time.
Huh? There's been a lot of deaths in this room.
What? I researched the apartment's history at the municipal archives before I moved in.
- Why? - Because that's the first thing you do before you move into an apartment.
- No, it's not.
- There was a decapitation.
A woman was eaten alive by maggots.
Identical twins were disemboweled to music.
A pipe exploded, drowning an entire family.
Then there's the crib deaths.
Chester.
Just eat your eggs.
Hey.
Four choking deaths right in this corner.
Maybe don't rush me.
I hope it's enough.
Mr.
Moishe likes squash.
Ah, I didn't make enough squash.
I will skip the squash so there's squash for Moishe.
It's so nice that we're all together again.
Oh, Zelda, no.
You've been crying for two days.
So, I figured only Moishe-y knew him.
You must've encountered him at some point, Moishe.
We know his family from the Catskills.
I know the parents a little.
And the grandfather.
Saw him in the shower once after racquetball.
Wrinkliest nutsack I've ever seen.
- And he's seen some beauts.
- Oh, dear.
We're talking about the bar mitzvah boy? Akiva? Mm-hmm.
Moishe was asked to do an aliyah at his service, - and he swears he's never met him.
- And it's a short list of people you pick to do an aliyah at your bar mitzvah.
You'd think you'd pick someone that knows who the fuck you are.
Well, it's nice just to be wanted by someone.
Anyone.
Our house is so empty now.
Abe and I will visit soon, Shirley.
I promise.
Tuesday? I don't know about Tuesday.
Wednesday? I'll make my cabbage.
It'll be soon.
You have my word.
Your word is fairly meaningless, Rose.
You know it, I know it.
- So let's set a date.
- Hello! - The youth have returned.
- Ethan! Come here.
Grandpa's got to pick your brain.
- Saw Abe coming up behind me.
- His hours are so unpredictable these days.
Wow, look at this place.
It's all back together.
This is new.
The old one was chipped.
I remember when Ethan chipped it.
Akiva Bergman.
It doesn't ring a bell, huh? No.
- Don't rush.
Think, think.
- I've got dinner for you and Esther in the kitchen, Ethan.
- Say good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Maybe you bought the kid an ice cream once, huh? You know, and it was so special.
It really meant something.
I don't go around the Catskills buying ice cream for little boys I don't know.
There's plenty of those guys crawling around up there, you know what I'm saying? No.
What are you saying? You remember Daniel Sandberg? With the Coke-bottle glasses? I do.
He'd drive up with his mother.
Called him Danny Deep-Pockets.
Went around asking boys to dig in his pants for candy corn.
I knew nothing about this.
Then there was Tom from Buffalo - with the girly bangs.
- They called him Tommy Touch-Butt.
You're making this up.
Uh, Moishe, Shirley, you remember Susie? From Yom Kippur? - Hello.
- Hi.
What's going on? - A guy died.
- Oh, my God.
- Who? Your husband? - Uh, her roommate.
Jackie from the Gaslight.
Shit.
I knew him.
What happened? I just told you.
He fucking died.
Right.
Sorry.
So did a lot of people in my apartment.
Chester's got a list.
Cheeky Chester? Abe.
Just in time to eat.
Did you not see me behind you? - Yeah, but - Let's eat, everyone.
- Before it gets cold.
- I had to stand there and watch the elevator take you up to the ninth floor, stop, come back down.
Then I had to get on, take it back up.
That's 27 floors.
You'll survive, Papa.
It's family style, everyone.
Forget your manners and dive in.
Well, good thing I made it, because I have a fun piece of news for everyone.
Oh, let's hear it.
I've been I've I've been assigned - Why is Zelda crying? - I didn't make enough squash, - and I'm just so happy.
- We're good from here, Zelda.
Why don't you take a break.
So, the Village Voice has assigned me, its chief theater critic, to review a new Broadway musical by our own Buzz Goldberg.
- My God.
- Buzz has a show? - Like, a real show? - Yeah.
That musical he's been workshopping at Steiner for, what, eight years now? It's a real success story.
Did very well in New Haven.
Has a lot of good buzz, pardon the pun.
- Ha! Good one.
- And there's an opening night ticket for each and every one of you.
- Opening night.
- Fun.
Abe, what a score.
I already don't have anything to wear.
I'm so proud of Buzz.
He never gave up on the show.
We must have seen it at the resort about 20 times.
- Mm.
- And that song.
You can't get it out of your head.
You were in a version of Buzz's show one year, weren't you, Miriam? Up at Steiner? I played Clare Landsburg in the summer of 1953.
And he dropped you, right? No.
I wasn't dropped.
I did the show for a while, and it went very well, and then I made way for another lucky young lady to play the role.
I thought he dropped you because you can't sing or act.
Or dance.
That's how I remember it.
You couldn't sing or act or dance.
Please, people.
She's no Judy Garland, but she gave it her best shot.
Right.
No, I'm not Judy Garland, but who is? Besides Judy Garland.
And you froze that one time.
Remember? You came out on stage.
You couldn't remember your line.
One time, Shirley.
I froze one time.
I'd seen the show so much that I knew the line.
Everybody did.
The whole room was yelling out the line.
I wasn't fired from the show.
Okay? Is this all the squash? Oh, and, Joel, regardless of the elevator incident, I'm not leaving you out.
There's a ticket for you, as well.
Two, actually, if you'd like to bring a friend.
Yeah, Joel.
Bring a friend.
Archie or may be someone else.
There is no one else.
One ticket will suffice, Abe.
You know, Joel, I still consider you a family member, and it seems a shame that you're alone.
There was a perfectly good girl I set him up with last week.
Lena Brofmann.
It was a boy, by the way.
Wow.
You work quick.
Excuse me, Ma, for not wanting to go out with a pregnant divorced woman.
She's not divorced.
Her husband died.
- Everyone dies.
- Can we change the subject? Shirley, I'm disappointed.
You have a matchmaking professional in the family, after all.
Use me.
- My God, you're right.
- It says call for an appointment, but there's no appointment necessary for you.
No, please don't give her your card, Rose.
It doesn't matter.
I know her name.
I know her number.
Rose, change your name.
Change your number.
What's Joel's type? I know Miriam was his type, but what else? Moishe, if you're going to do an aliyah, do it right.
- He likes an athletic girl.
- Oh, athletic girl.
That's interesting.
You're gonna correct the next one? - Oh, how sweet.
- Little Molly? How about 63 years as a devout Jew? - Stickball player.
- Stickball? Oh, I'm gonna write that down.
An athletic, stickball-playing type? Anything I can do to make you stop? Rose? Is my bathrobe in the bathroom? Rose? Rose! What, Abe? I thought you were looking for my bathrobe.
No, Abe, I'm getting ready for bed.
Are you seeing this? - I'm, uh, picking up - Rose.
No, your bathrobe is not in here.
- Well, then, where is it? - It's where you left it last.
You look terrible, by the way.
Thank you, Groucho.
I'm not laughing.
This-this isn't a bit.
This is more like a national emergency.
Well, you look fantastic.
Trim and rested.
What's your secret? I'm 28.
- Here.
- No, seriously, you look the same as you did in the pictures I grew up on a long time ago.
How do you do it? Spending my golden years with the wife.
How long you two been married? Oh, I wasn't talking about my wife.
Both of Groucho's parents are dead.
Maybe you should get some sleep.
- Can't sleep.
- You want a little something? - My mother has some pills.
- Oh, I know.
I've been through your mom's pills.
She's got a lot of them.
She has three different places she hides them, in case you're wondering why that woman has a sewing kit.
Found Jackie's sister, by the way.
She asked me if I would speak at the service.
What did you say? I was trapped, so I said yes.
What am I gonna say, no? You sure you're up for that? Try not to fuck it up too badly.
Who got you hooked on cigars, Groucho? Well, who else? Chico.
- Chico smokes cigars? - Get some sleep.
Leave your beer.
There's not a lot Chico doesn't do except read.
He's a pretty big gambler, your brother.
If you enjoy understatements.
Any idea how much he's lost? Chico always says if you add up all the money Harpo has, that's how much I've lost.
Eat fast, Ethan.
We've got a big, fun day planned.
- Okay.
- Does this necklace work? - If you have to ask - Changing the necklace.
Mama, can I borrow your banana pin? It's in my jewelry box.
But if you're gonna do bananas on your dress, change your cherry earrings.
Too much fruit seems lazy.
Good morning, Susie.
Ethan Ramone Maisel, move your tuchus.
- I mean it.
We cannot be late.
- That's right, Ethan.
You can't be late for the doctor.
Oh.
Mama, we don't tell him he's going to the doctor.
We tell him he's going on a fun subway adventure.
Well, the cat's out of the bag now.
- I hate the doctor! - Come on, Esther.
Let's go talk your brother off that ledge.
- Morning, Susie.
- The doctor's the worst! I got a blintz.
You're going to make your sister - Leave me alone! - Stop running around.
No running.
No running.
I don't want to go to the doctor! - Okay, look, I need one of you to stay with her.
- What? There's no way I can take her to the pediatrician's with all her talk about people dropping dead.
Well, I certainly can't take her to the Village Voice.
I'm still new there.
I might get a nickname today.
- No.
- Fine.
We'll do rock paper scissors.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Maisel residence.
- Who won? One moment, please.
It's for you, Miss Susie.
behavior of the United States I hate the doctor! Hello? Hey, Susie, it's J.
J.
You hear about Jackie? Yeah, I fucking heard about Jackie.
I was living with him, moron.
Well, he left some boxes here.
Boxes of what? I don't know.
Stuff? Junk? I don't know.
What do you want me to do? I don't know.
You want me to dump 'em? I don't care.
Don't dump 'em.
I'll come by sometime this week.
Okay, but they're taking up space.
- Yeah, so are you.
- Hey, you looking for a new roommate? I'm gonna watch TV.
Guys, it's rock paper scissors.
Each thing beats something else.
It's a kid's game for God's sake.
But what if I chose heat? - Heat would melt the scissors.
- And burn the paper.
So heat would beat everything but rock.
Heat is not an option.
Water would rust the scissors and ruin the paper.
Are the scissors brass or steel? How about we just flip a coin, hmm? And your hobbies are knitting, needlepoint, and weaving? I own my own loom.
All right.
Well, we'll put that into column two.
Remember, we discussed this? The after-marriage revelations? Mm-mm.
I promise you, Amelia, we will find you the perfect mate.
You think so? I do.
I really do.
Because every time I meet a man, I never know what to say.
It doesn't matter what you say.
The man's not listening to you anyhow.
- Rose! - Yes, Susie? - My page is full.
- Well, then turn it over.
- Both sides.
- What about the other pages? - All full.
- Then we will get you more paper.
All right, Amelia.
Tell your mother the meeting went well, and the address to send the check - is on the back of the card.
- Okay.
Thank you.
I'm very excited.
Good? Was it good? Very good.
I need to use the restroom.
Susie? Tinkle time.
- I already went.
- Rose? You'll have to delay your break for a bit.
- You have a walk-in.
- Another one? Another two! Word of your prowess is spreading like melancholia.
My goodness, it's all happening so fast.
It's thrilling.
You already have three confirmed kills this month.
Three matches, three engagements.
So much goddamn happiness.
Contain yourself.
We're in a tea room.
People are steeping.
- Rose! - What? I'm bored.
I'm hungry.
I want to leave.
I'm working, Susie.
We will leave when I'm done.
Ugh! Hate this! Get her some more paper, will you? Of course.
Question: why is she here? A gentleman passed away in her apartment.
And she can't go back.
Oh.
Is he blocking the door, or ? I don't know.
Go get the next person signed in? Yes.
Of course.
Mirabelle, you're up next.
She's getting your paper.
- You're a matchmaker, huh? - That's right.
You really think there's someone out there for that gorgon that just left? - Yes.
- She's got a hunchback.
- I can fix that.
- Really? You gonna blind the guy? Susie! This is a business.
Now you are my daughter's manager and a plumber before that, so you should understand business.
I will send the gorgon to my hairstylist, and she will fix her hair.
And I will teach her about foundation and mascara and lipstick and deodorant, and we will get her a girdle, and she will sit up straight, and we'll destroy her loom, and she will have a husband.
Because there is someone out there for everyone.
What are you looking at me for? What's this? I ordered it for you.
For me? The whole thing? - Yes.
- And it's just whipped cream? And a spoon.
And I can just eat it? It doesn't have to go on anything? That's right.
Rose Weissman, I would follow you into hell.
- That won't be necessary.
- Oh, hello.
Yikes.
- Susie! - Sorry.
You must be Mirabelle.
I'm Rose.
What a lovely dress.
What can I do for you? Ma, there's sweat running down your neck.
- Let it go.
- It's opening night.
Why would I not wear my best? It's 80 degrees out.
You're gonna melt.
- Let it go.
- I want to be buried in this coat.
- That may happen tonight.
- Let it go.
There they are.
Follow me, everybody.
Mr.
Weissman.
Welcome.
I'm Gerald, the house manager.
Your tickets, sir.
Thank you.
Do you like my cape? It's very natty.
Ma'am, would you like to check your Let her wear it.
Anything else you need, let me know.
Okay, looks like we have five in the orchestra and two in the mezzanine.
Here you go.
We're sitting together? - Away from you guys? - Yep.
- No, no.
- Oh, hey.
- Is there ? No.
- No, no.
- No, no.
- Can we ? I, I, I - I would love to maybe switch? - No.
- Or maybe I can sit with Midge? - I want to sit with Midge.
Yes? Midge? Yes? Yes? Midge? Yes? Well, the five are fifth row center, so Damn.
That's our cue, everybody.
Let's go in.
A drink for you, sir? Are my feet on the ground? Oh, I want to see it again and again and again and again.
And that song with the full orchestra, yowza! Oh, there he is.
There's our Buzz.
Ah, that is a very big smile on that boy's face.
Well, he's earned it.
I remember a couple of summers ago, it was the cutest thing.
Buzz came up to me and said Kitty Carlisle Hart! - Who? - What's that? It's Kitty Carlisle Hart! From To Tell The Truth.
Oh, it's my favorite game show! Kitty! Kitty! Go get 'em, tiger! Wait! Wait, wait, Kitty! Kitty! - Her? - Kitty, wait, wait! - Her? - Do you find her attractive? Rose, please don't feel the need to Oops.
Never mind.
Didn't see the mole till she turned.
Would you find her attractive without the mole? I made two rounds of the place.
No sign of Susie.
Good.
Three songs in, she pulled out a bag of Cheetos and told everyone who shushed her they'll be dead someday.
It's good she's gone.
There they are.
The ones that got away.
- Hi, Pauly.
- Hello, stranger.
How are you, Pauly? Brokenhearted without you at the resort this year.
Maybe next year.
How about our boy, huh? He had such big dreams, but who knows from dreams.
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight.
" - Oscar Wilde.
- And now look at me, a bigshot financial investor in Buzz's dreams.
Pauly, you macher! It's a small slice, but the thing is, you hear that song, you take out your wallet.
- Uh-huh.
- Miriam Maisel! - Look at you, all dolled up.
- Hello, Edie.
Good to see you.
I was just talking to someone.
You were the star of this show one year, weren't you? - Up at Steiner? - Clare Landsburg, summer of '53, at your service.
Then you got dumped, right? No, Edie.
I wasn't dumped.
Fired, whatever you want to call it.
It was just a fun vacation thing I did one year.
That's all.
I'm not an actress.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
I was there.
It's really good to see you, Edie.
- Hello.
Love that hat.
- Oh, hi! That Kitty Carlisle Hart, she's like Houdini! I cornered her in a stall in the bathroom.
But when I kicked the door open, she wasn't there.
But I got her shoe.
Everyone look for a limper.
Abe, he's free.
Oh, let's grab him while we can.
There he is.
Buzz, dear, we are so proud of you.
Oh! I loved everything about it.
Oh, but that one character, Iris.
I mean, I hated her, but I loved her, too.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Weissman.
Uh, Abe, you didn't bring your press hat.
It clashed with my cape.
Fun, right? It's amazing.
I knew you when you were a pisher.
The kid who fell into the lake on day one, holding a live mic.
I like making a big entrance.
Are you happy, Buzz? Be happy.
I am.
It's the best night of my life.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, can you hear me okay? - Yes! - Yes? Very good.
Thank you all for coming tonight.
For supporting our show.
It means the world to us.
But let me bring the true star of the night up here to speak.
The man who wrote the music, the lyrics, the book my friend, and yours, Buzz Goldberg! Oh, thanks.
Uh, thanks, everyone.
Ooh, it's a big night, um I haven't breathed since the curtain came up.
Just breathe, Buzz, breathe.
Um, thank you, Myron, for guiding the ship and teaching me so much.
And to our director, Mr.
George Abbott, I think you have a future in this business, sir.
And to my dramaturg and roommate, Kevin, I owe you everything.
Thank you, Kevin.
And to the people who inspired me so much, who inspired this show, my Steiner Resort family because you are just that family.
Steiner! Steiner! Steiner! We're finer, finer! Finer! Steiner! Steiner I need to go.
My deadline's tonight.
Go, go.
We'll see you at home.
Finer! Finer! Finer! Steiner! Two guitars.
Jackie would've hated that.
Hey.
- You going to the opera or something? - Just get me Jackie's boxes.
There's a couple others.
This fell out of one of 'em.
"Jacopo Dellapietra"? Jackie was in the Army? Don't know.
A Bronze Star? Some kind of medal.
Who's Darla? Abe Weissman, stop right there.
Give me a 360.
A cape is not an easy thing to pull off, my friend.
I make it look easy.
- You ready to work? - Oh, yes, I am.
Sorry about the tight deadline.
It's the way it happens sometimes.
Oh, I thrive on deadlines.
I'll be downstairs if you need me.
You bet.
Got it! What is this? My review.
"They Came, They Danced opened last night at the Mark Hellinger Theatre.
Your mother might like it.
" - I can't publish this.
- Why not? Well, for one, it's supposed to be a thousand-word review and it's about a thousand words short.
I could add some adjectives.
Abe, I need specifics.
Specifics? If you think someone's mother would like the show, then tell me why you think someone's mother would like the show.
Do I really need to tell you this? No, I know.
But in this case, I would really rather not get into all that.
- I'm sorry? - Yeah.
I just don't think specifics are what people need.
Or want.
I don't know if you've ever done any research on this, but I I I think I'm right about this.
Yeah.
Abe Okay, Gabe, here it is! The show was terrible, okay? Terrible! I mean, a-a travesty.
- Okay - They took a cute, charming musical, conceived in the Catskills, cast with a fun group of resort guests, all of whom were good, except my daughter, and turned it into a bland, cynical, bloated three-hour piece of contrived inanity! The costumes terrible.
The sets terrible.
The script terrible.
It's got one song.
- One song? - That they reprise five different times, because they know they only have one good song.
They're duping the audience, Gabe! And that kills me.
Great! Write that down.
We've known this kid ten years.
I watched him fall into a lake.
I pulled him out.
Maybe you shouldn't have.
Dark thought, I know.
Okay, Abe, how about this? Skip the specifics.
Use the show to get to the big picture your thoughts on everything that's wrong in the theater today.
Get angry.
Be personal.
That's why we hired you, Abe.
For your voice.
Don't let them get duped.
- You okay? - Yeah.
I just, you know, maybe I should've worn something else.
- Like what? - I don't know.
Like a dress.
I don't I can't I'm trying to picture - Have you ever worn a dress? - Of course I've worn a dress.
- I was a baby once.
- Okay.
- You know, helpless.
- Sorry.
I was fucking adorable in a dress.
This way, I guess.
- Did you get the time wrong? - I did not get the time wrong.
'Cause you have a problem with time.
I did not get the time wrong.
Susie, thank you for coming.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, Nancy, this is You must be Miriam.
The comedian? Yes.
I'm so sorry about Jackie.
I'm really gonna miss him.
You know, he sent me clippings about you all the time.
He was very proud.
Oh, well that's really sweet.
- I saved you both seats, but - Where is everyone? Oh, well, I sent the word out.
I went through his phone book, and the monsignor made some calls.
Just didn't get much of a response.
Oh, excuse me.
He saved my clippings.
Chester.
Chester! What the fuck? They have onion sandwiches.
Sit.
And don't breathe out.
I didn't think Jackie thought I was funny.
Well, it's past 3:00 now, so we should probably get started.
- I'm keeping this.
- Welcome, everyone.
I want to thank you all for coming out today to say goodbye to one of our favorite sons, Jacopo "Jackie" Dellapietra.
I'm Monsignor Armanno Ricci of the Church of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, the church that Jackie was so active in all of his life.
He went to church? I've known Jackie since he was a little boy, and, well, I would be lying if I said we didn't find a need to keep a tight lock on the altar wine.
Many a morning, we found that the blood of Christ had been replaced with Dr Pepper.
He was also the first one to lend a hand.
Now, I can't prove that he was the one who built the new platform for the manger scene when the old one got destroyed by vandals, but I'll bet it was him.
Lots of little stories about Jackie I could share, but I think I'm going to turn the podium over to someone who's very special to him.
Someone he always referred to as one of his closest friends.
Susie? That's you.
No, he said one of his closest friends.
Well, unless another Susie just walked in Hey.
Tits up.
Uh, hi.
Guess I'm Susie.
And, um, Nancy asked me to talk, so Fuck this.
Follow me.
Who is that? Hi.
Sorry.
I'll just be a minute here.
Supposed to say a few words about Jackie Dellapietra, who's over there across the hall in the empty loser room.
But, well, I just I can't talk about him to an empty room.
That's not how it should go.
That's not how he should be remembered.
Or not remembered.
'Cause apparently, no one remembered, because nobody showed up.
Except four people.
Four people to send you off.
Where the fuck was everyone? A man dies, you show up at his funeral, right? This was Jackie.
Mean, he never hurt anyone.
He just He lived his life.
He did nice things.
He fixed up my shitty apartment.
Put up curtains.
He painted.
He made stew.
He built whatever the hell it was he built for the fucking monsignor over there.
Apparently, no one gave a shit.
No one noticed.
Fuck, I lived with the guy, and I didn't notice.
We slept very close.
I mean, I knew personal things about the guy.
You know, he snores.
Yeah, certain foods did not agree with him.
You kept the windows open on those nights.
I knew his laundry day.
I knew when he cut his hair.
Shit like that.
But I never knew him.
Yeah, I never knew he fought in the war.
I never knew he got a medal for bravery.
I mean, they don't just hand those out.
You got to get shot or-or save somebody or blow up a fucking tank.
A medal is a big deal! He collected Bazooka Joe comics.
He kept the little ticket stubs to the opera.
He had a baseball signed by Babe Ruth.
Can you fucking believe that? Jackie met Babe Ruth.
And he kept it in a shoebox like an asshole, but he had it.
I mean, this guy lived a life, and I never knew any of this.
I mean, it was just a minute ago I found out I was his friend.
No, I'm sorry, one of his closest friends.
I had a close friend, and I never knew it.
And where the fuck is Darla? Hmm? She couldn't take off one afternoon to come and pay her respects to a man she wrote 51 fucking idiotic letters to? A heart over every "I.
" What's so important she couldn't take the time off to come and give this man a proper send-off? She better be dead.
You know what I really don't understand? How is it a decent guy, a guy who worked his ass off his entire life How is it he could barely afford to sublet the corner of my shithole apartment? I mean, he never caught a break.
He never got ahead.
How fucked-up is that? All these fucking horrible assholes in the world that just get shit handed to them.
And this guy fought in a war.
He traveled.
He Oh, he won a Lindy contest.
I didn't know Jackie could dance.
Half the time, it didn't seem like he could walk.
But there is a first-place ribbon sitting in this fucking weather-beaten, rat-eaten, fucked-up, little box that he shoved in a corner.
A man's life.
In a shitty box.
A really good man's life.
You know, a man who deserved something, and he wound up sprinkling sawdust on vomit at the Gaslight.
Well, this can't continue, okay? I cannot stand by and watch this happen to another poor slob, so I am dedicating the rest of my miserable fucking life to finding the Jackies of the world.
The ones you walk by.
The ones you don't see.
The ones who never catch a break.
And I'm gonna make sure that they never, ever end up in my fucking apartment! Oh, and I'm really sorry about this lady.
I'm sure she was very nice, too.
- Boise.
How are you? - Busy.
- Are things gonna go smoother tonight? - Hope so.
There'll be a more accurate run-of-show list? Maybe Philomena's wire contraption - won't cause any major head injuries.
- Run of show? - Yeah.
- Sexy Angel.
Sexy Soviet Spy.
- Sexy Angel.
Sexy Spy.
- Roaring '20s.
Pouty Poet.
- Roaring '20s.
Pouty Pouty what? - Cleopatra.
Harem Girl.
- Harem Girl.
Slow down.
- Sexy Nurse.
Cancan Mademoiselle.
- Sexy something.
Cancan Mademoiselle.
- Rising Venus.
- Rosie the Riveter.
- You didn't make a list, huh? - Sailor Girl.
China Doll.
Sleeping Beauty.
- Rosie Doll.
Sailor Girl.
Boise, Boise, Boise, I can't memorize all that.
Write it down for me.
I thought I recognized that unique combination of lilt and intensity.
What the hell are you doing here? Oh, well, I hate to steal your line, but what the hell are you doing here? You have to leave.
I'm about to go on.
Oh, shit.
Are you stripping now? I knew the Shy Baldwin thing was tough, - but there's nicer places.
- I'm the comic.
- Here? - Yes.
And I'm about to go on.
And I'm still honing and experimenting, so go away.
- You want me to go away? - Yes.
Because I would make you nervous.
You would make me nervous.
Don't smile.
Bad smile.
I got a story for you.
Back in high school Mepham High in Bellmore, out on Long Island I took this speech class.
One day, the teacher stands me up in front of everybody and gives me a topic.
Zoos.
Are they good or bad? Some shit like that.
I was supposed to be against them.
Told me to take five full minutes to make my case.
Now, I'm feeling fairly confident about the subject, so I start my little spiel, going on about how animals shouldn't be in cages and how we're the real animals for putting them there in the first place - Mm-hmm.
- when all of a sudden, I get beaned in the head by an eraser.
I check to see who threw it, and it was the fucking teacher.
Now, I'm surprised, to say the least, but I continue my little speech with a masterful segue into the science of evolution and how we're no less animal than any other of God's creatures that is, if God exists; I threw that in when another fucking eraser hits me in the fucking head.
And it's like that every ten seconds for the rest of my speech.
Something coming at my head.
Erasers, chalk, crumpled paper, a half-eaten apple.
But I soldier on and get through the five minutes.
Afterwards, I ask my teacher, "What was that all about?" And she says, "Mr.
Schneider.
" For I was Schneider at the time.
"Mr.
Schneider, I was simply training you to block out distractions.
It's your job to stay focused despite whatever's coming at you, and you did good.
" This seemed like bullshit at the time, but it turned out to be a very valuable lesson.
It trained me for what I do now.
So, tonight, Mrs.
Maisel, your version of erasers and chalk and half-eaten apples will be me staying for your gig.
No.
This isn't Bellmore.
Everything is Bellmore.
Mrs.
Maisel.
Time to start the show.
I think it's time to start the show.
Fine.
Stay.
But do not sit where I can see you.
Oh, now I'm definitely gonna sit where you can see me.
Shit.
Mrs.
Maisel! All right! - Hello.
- Hello there, not many ladies and many gentlemen.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel, your host and guide for the evening.
Bravo.
This is a very weird job I have.
I'm a woman who comes out here to make men laugh who are here to see women take their clothes off.
Easier job for a man.
Yeah! And a tricky balancing act for me.
But not as tricky an act as Sandy, our stripping contortionist, who uses a common household plunger to balance her Nah, I'm not gonna spoil it for you.
Just don't leave before seeing it.
And what am I supposed to talk about in between strippers, huh? Baseball? Kittens? Grandparents? I mean, how do you keep a starving man's interest when you're performing between a chocolate doughnut and a cheeseburger? Not that you're all paying attention to me.
See these guys right here? These guys are ignoring me and just talking to each other.
What are they talking about? Just the stuff you'd expect at a joint like this.
I can hear them, so let me recreate the conversation.
"You know what I hate worse than being stuck in traffic when you got to piss real bad? The fact that Aristotle relied so much on opinions based on nonscientific reasoning.
" "I disagree.
I believe a person can reason perfectly well in circumstances where we cannot claim to have scientific understanding, so I defend the philosopher Aristotle.
" "Jesus Christ, you and your fucking Aristotle.
It's Aristotle this and Aristotle that.
" "You know, he buggered young boys.
" "It was a different time, don't you know.
You can't apply modern standards to ancient figures.
" Sidebar.
"Gee, Miriam Maisel, how do you even know all this stuff about Aristotle? You seem very girly with your pretty makeup and your fashionable hairstyle and your Park Avenue heels.
" And I say, "Well, my father would read Aristotle to me as a child, and I absorbed facts about the old fart even though I don't know what the fuck any of it fucking means.
" Didn't mean to interrupt.
Thank you! See you in a few.
Now that I'm here, looking at little Akiva, - I still have no fucking idea who that kid is.
- Me, neither.
- And they got me going last in order.
- Shh.
- It's the best spot.
- Mystery.
Oh, there's Stevie.
Maybe she didn't recognize us.
No, she recognized us.
Look, out of respect for you, I want you to know.
This? You and me? I'm not in the market right now.
No matter what Rose Weissman or my mother told you.
It's not gonna happen.
Excuse me.
Buddy, do we have a problem here? No.
No problem.
Then leave my wife alone? Oh.
Sure.
Sorry.
And good Shabbas, by the way.
Amen Abe, are you noticing anything odd in here today? Hmm? Not me.
- Me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me - From the diaphragm, Moishe-y.
From the diaphragm.
We now call to the bimah for the final aliyah Navi Ben Nasan.
- What the hell? - He must have got it wrong.
He read off the card.
The man has a card.
- It was on the card.
- Mr.
Maisel.
Hi.
I'm Akiva's mom.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Some signals got crossed on our end.
Akiva mumbles.
We're working on that.
Oh, sure, sure.
I figured something happened.
I mean, my son wouldn't even be able to pick you out of a lineup.
Hope you didn't practice too hard.
Not at all, actually.
Thanks for the heads-up.
- Thank you.
- He couldn't pick you out of a lineup? Little prick.
- You call that a voice? - Pop, shh.
- Amen - Abe, the rabbi.
I'm seeing your point now.
So it's not just me.
Akiva, you did a wonderful job.
Now, before we proceed with Hagbah, please tell everyone here about your Torah portion.
In one word, what is it about? Bravery.
Yes, well, uh, bravery is very interesting, Akiva, and very noble.
But is it as important as loyalty? I-I guess.
Papa, what did you do to the rabbi? - I did nothing to the rabbi.
- But, um, no one's braver than my Uncle Saul.
He helped liberate the Jews of Auschwitz and now owns three restaurants, one of them dine-in.
But one must keep in mind how important it is for a community such as ours to be loyal to each other.
Do I have something on my shirt? Shame on you, Abe Weissman.
- What did I do? - Poor, innocent Buzz.
Oh.
What did you do to Buzz? Your husband killed his show.
Wrote horrible things about it in that farkakte paper of his.
It was the boy's life's work.
The Village Voice is not my paper.
- Papa, what did you write? - I wrote what I saw.
Schmuck.
You should be ashamed, Abe Weissman.
Look, people, I am a journalist.
And sometimes, writing a bad review is part of my job.
It's what I owe the public.
So, please, let's have some respect and give the floor back to Rabbi Huebsche.
What's more important, Abraham, - your public or your people? - Yeah! We escaped the jaws of Hitler for this? Slander.
That's what he wrote.
Lies and slander! Abe, what is this review? What did you write? Here.
See for yourself.
I talked to Buzz last night, and he was inconsolable.
Says he wished he'd drowned in the lake that day.
He would have if I hadn't saved him.
- Just to kill him again? - "To watch They Came, They Danced is to reside in hell.
I felt an anger and despair I had not felt since I was a young man realizing that the American dream came with an enormous asterisk.
" - Oh, Papa.
- What? I'm paid to speak the truth.
I'm paid to be honest.
Were you this honest when your daughter stunk up the show in '53? Now, once and for all, people, I may not be Mary Martin or Jessica Tandy, but I was a decent Clare, and I did not stink up the show.
My singing isn't perfect, but in musical theater, character is more important than technique.
Abe Weissman, you stood there, sipping champagne, making small talk, quoting Oscar Wilde, hugging Buzz, toasting Buzz, all while holding the knife of Cain behind your back.
Oh, Pauly, don't be so dramatic.
You're the only one who can speak truth? Truth, huh? Truth? Well, there's nothing in the Hebrew Bible indicating that Cain killed Abel with a knife.
So much for your truth.
Yes, there is.
The Book of Genesis.
Cain killed Abel.
And it's implied it was with a knife.
Rabbi, chime in here.
The Torah says that Cain - was a worker of the ground.
- Exactly.
So it was most likely a hoe or a trowel.
He didn't carry a knife.
And not that you care, but my hard-earned nest egg is kaput.
You said you invested a small slice, Pauly.
Don't exaggerate for effect.
Small for the show, big for me.
You know, the show was not very good.
What are you talking about? - Maybe it was good.
- I was nice in this review.
I very kindly used the show to talk about the rot at the heart of the American theater instead of listing all its faults.
What about the song? It has one good song.
That's it.
You can't have a musical with one good song.
And I don't know why you're on their side.
That character you loved to hate? The rude, hectoring busybody? It's you.
- I beg your pardon.
- Her name was Iris.
Rose, Iris.
She sipped sherry, had a fortune-teller, two kids.
You ruined the show, and now you've ruined - poor Akiva's bar mitzvah.
- Yeah.
I wish I hadn't invited you, Mr.
Weissman.
No offense, but there were a lot of problems - with your invite list, kid.
- So you didn't like it.
Fine.
You have to kill it for everyone else? It's a nice little show.
It isn't doing any harm.
It is.
Because out there, there's a great show that isn't getting the resources it needs to be seen.
- What show? - What do you mean, what show? What show? What's this great show that's sitting out there with no resources and no money? There's ten shows out there that could use resources.
Twenty.
- What are the 20 shows? - He's saying that if you give to one thing, you're taking from another.
This from the girl who stunk up - the Catskills with her ham acting.
- Who said that?! Don't hide! Who said that?! Stop, everybody.
Stop.
I am a distraction.
And, apparently, an enemy of the people.
So I will leave so that you can carry on with your ceremony.
But there is something you all need to know going forward.
You are the frog.
I am the scorpion.
I sting because it is my nature.
Damn, I wish I had my cape.
So what if I make demands? I mean, how hard is it to make room-temperature water? It's the temperature of the room.
Hey, do we know a Mr.
Fibbi? Fibbi? What kind of name is that? It says, "4:30.
Mr.
Fibbi called.
Will call back.
" Doesn't ring a bell.
Zelda never takes the first name.
I keep telling her to do that.
The staff at Steiner always seemed so happy to have their mistakes corrected.
And there is a certain way to cut a grapefruit.
God made those segments for a reason.
- Hello? - Abe.
It's Asher.
Asher.
This is a surprise.
Really? I'm a little surprised that you're surprised.
- Why? - Well, a friend sent me this thing you wrote in the, uh, Village Voice.
You review a show.
They Came, They Danced.
- Sounds like a piece of shit.
- That's putting it mildly.
And then you got a little nostalgic at the end with the asterisk and the American dream, which segued very nicely into something the two of us did back in the '20s.
My editor likes me to get personal.
Oh, sure.
But did he like the fact that you fingered the two of us for a federal fucking crime, Abe?! - What are you talking about? - The nifty little paragraph about art and anarchy where you describe very vividly how you and I set a federal building on fire.
Oh, that was years ago.
No one cares.
- The FBI does.
- What? They want to see us in the New York field office next week.
The FBI hasn't contacted me.
They will.
Trust me.
So kiss your loved ones goodbye and grab your toothbrush, Abe, because you and I are gonna be breaking rocks at Leavenworth.
Which is gonna be hell on my gout.
- See you in New York.
- Asher Mr.
Fibbi.
To Jackie.
A man who didn't suffer fools gladly and thought everyone was a fool.
A man whose love of ocarinas summed up his total lack of musical taste.
A man who borrowed ten bucks from me the day before he died, because somehow he knew.
A man who knew how to drive me crazier than any person in this fucking world, except you.
A man who was my friend.
- To Jackie.
- To Jackie.
Table six took his dick out! Table six took his dick out! - Motherfucker! - Trixie's down! Trixie, you okay? Hey, Jerry! That was the sweet, saintly Philomena.
Heavenly, wouldn't you say? Motherfuck, my fucking head! And that was Philomena's foulmouthed friend, Philadelphia.
Take it off! Sweet thought, but I think I'll keep it on.
- Take it off! - Take it off! - Take it off! - We're not kidding! Guys, hear me.
By the time I finish unzipping, unfastening and unhooking the medieval contraption of rayon and rubber that is my girdle, you'll all be back in bed with your wives telling them how much you hated working late.
Well, you didn't say you were gonna throw an oily, crumpled dollar bill at me.
Now it's coming off.
- Maisel! - Oops, no time.
Uh, but hold on to your Great Gatsbys, guys, 'cause here comes our salute to the Roaring '20s.
But first, Sapphira, Lonely Harem Girl.
- What the hell? - I didn't know.
No one knows shit around here.
Three, four.
Boise, what happened to the Roaring '20s? Trixie got beaned by the wire.
- I saw.
I heard.
- So we went with Harem Girl.
- Without telling me.
- You were onstage.
Getting the crowd excited for a sexy flapper.
- We confused them.
- Look, as long as some girl's out there shaking her chichis, those guys don't care - how the fuck they're dressed.
- I disagree.
With Sapphira the Harem Girl, they're anticipating sultry, mysterious chichis, not the bippity-boppity chichis of the Roaring '20s girl.
Look, no one's confused 'cause no one's hardly listening to you.
- I take offense at that.
- You all do.
Can do better than this, Boise.
Talk to Clifford.
He signs the checks.
- Ooh! - Excusez-moi.
Hey, everyone.
Uh, Boise's not so great at formal introductions, so I wanted to introduce myself.
Hi.
I'm Midge.
Mrs.
Maisel.
I'm the new MC here at the Wolf, so any of you want to add a dash of humor to your routines, consider me your comedy consultant.
Okay, well As you were.
Ooh! Sorry.
Come on, six.
Come on, six.
Oh! The hard way! - Let's go again.
Come on.
- Raking it in.
- Yes.
- Damn.
Clifford.
- Cup of coffee for you.
- On a hot one tonight! - I know you like one right around now.
- Oh.
Come on, dice! Dice Smells fresh.
- Crap! - It's supposed to.
So, I would love to suggest some small improvements that I think would make the club all that it can be.
Yeah, uh A better system for announcing the acts would be great.
Plus, there are a lot of avoidable injuries.
Maybe we should have a safety meeting.
- Uh - In the Catskills, I was frequently voted safety monitor for various activities: water sports, backpacking.
We were hiking once, and the rabbi thought for sure he got bit by a snake.
I sucked on that man till he almost passed out.
On his ankle, that is.
Turned out to just be a couple of mosquito bites, but people sure got a laugh out of it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Anyway, have a have a think on that.
And That's a safety risk, too.
Fucking angel.
Let me bum one.
Did you hear what happened out there? Flapper got her head smashed in.
Heard the cursing.
Sounded kind of funny.
Wasn't funny.
It's sloppy.
This place has a lot of work to do.
It's a strip club.
As long as a girl's up there shaking her chichis, none of it matters.
Maisel! Sapphira's wrapping up.
- See you tomorrow.
- See you tomorrow.
- Who's next? - Annie Oakley.
- Thank you.
- Or Brenda the Bird Girl.
- Take it off! - Hey, there.
You miss me? Take it off! Come along with me To my little corner of the world And dream a little dream Chester, you left the fucking door open again.
How many times do I got to Is this something icky? - You must be Susie.
- Yeah.
I'm Nancy.
Jackie's sister.
- Oh.
Well, he's - Dead.
He's dead.
I'm sorry, what? A stroke sometime this afternoon.
A stroke? I was actually at his bedside before he passed.
He was still talking.
Yeah, he likes to talk.
His final words were actually for you.
For me? I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.
"Susie, the guys are coming to sand the floor at noon.
Be there to let them in.
They're flaky, so fuck knows if they'll show.
Remember, Monday's a holiday, so don't put the garbage out Sunday night.
We already got one ticket from the city.
If you're going to make spaghetti sauce, push the curtains back, because you splash a lot, and you can't get sauce out of that fabric.
It's just too delicate.
" Plastic.
The modern miracle.
And, ladies, these are some of the finest plastic products - on the household market.
- They sure are.
There's so much to choose from.
There's so many convenient sizes, so many vivid colors.
And you are going to want it all.
This is the Wonderlier.
That's such a cute name.
I love that name.
And for sizable suppers, the large Wonderlier.
Well, I have to have two of everything now.
It's just so good! Sign me up.
Uh, pass the Wonderliers around, ladies, and I will be right back.
Oh, ladies, do I have a story for you.
- I know a girl - You'd have less need for Tupperware if you weren't just cooking for one.
- Can we set up a lunch? - Uh, Mama, Jean here is missing out on the demonstration.
Why don't you get back to the group, Jean.
Miriam, I'm trying to make a sale here.
And so am I.
Beat it.
She's making dinner, and in comes a burglar with a gun.
She screams, he shoots, and the Tupperware she was holding stops the bullet.
I mean, they don't even mention that in the literature.
Imogene.
Dial it down, woman.
Midge, do you want to make some sales or not? - Yes.
- Showing them how to burp a two-quart is not going to move product, and you are here to move product.
Now sell.
Ladies, I think it's time to get those order forms out.
And when that is done, I will announce the winner of the silliest Tupperware hat.
Oh, my God.
What? Are you okay? Uh Everyone, uh, please excuse me.
- Imogene? - I got it.
Let's drop the bullshit, ladies, and make some deals.
You need to eat.
- Mm-hmm.
- This hot plate is no good.
I don't think all this is gonna fit.
- How's that sandwich? - Great.
Hot here, cold here.
Okay, we're officially out of room.
What? No.
The pudding has to go in there.
- Don't think so.
- Oh, strudel.
Okay, we can freeze the chicken.
- Where's the freezer? - Up there.
What is this place, the gulag? Oh, I made Zelda mad.
- I didn't know you could make Zelda mad.
- Trade you.
All the lady magazines say you should defrost once a month.
- This is crazy.
- Mmm, good coffee.
- Oh, you've got ants.
- You should've called me.
I called you.
I mean the minute you found out.
I don't want you sitting in a dark apartment, drinking for hours by yourself at a time like this.
- I'm here.
- Now you're mad just like Zelda.
I'm not mad.
Jackie's dead.
I know, honey.
Really? He was here all alone, then bam.
Old Gianni upstairs said he heard a thud.
Called the cops.
They load him in the car, and they took him to Bellevue, and by 9:00, that was it.
- He's gone.
- Well, he wasn't sick.
He didn't suffer.
We should be grateful for that.
It was the chili dogs.
I warned him about those chili dogs.
Fucking guy subsisted on chili dogs.
The ice wins.
We have to eat it all now.
When's the service? - Don't know.
- Well, how can I get ahold of his sister? - Don't know.
- Did she leave a card? - No.
- Maybe she wrote something down? You have one fork? She didn't write anything down.
I don't know where the funeral is.
I don't know where the sister is or who the sister is.
I just know that last night, when I wasn't here, the biggest pain in my ass ever dropped the fuck dead in my apartment! Forks.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I don't want to stay in this apartment.
Somebody died here.
It's creepy.
Mm, it's not the first time.
Huh? There's been a lot of deaths in this room.
What? I researched the apartment's history at the municipal archives before I moved in.
- Why? - Because that's the first thing you do before you move into an apartment.
- No, it's not.
- There was a decapitation.
A woman was eaten alive by maggots.
Identical twins were disemboweled to music.
A pipe exploded, drowning an entire family.
Then there's the crib deaths.
Chester.
Just eat your eggs.
Hey.
Four choking deaths right in this corner.
Maybe don't rush me.
I hope it's enough.
Mr.
Moishe likes squash.
Ah, I didn't make enough squash.
I will skip the squash so there's squash for Moishe.
It's so nice that we're all together again.
Oh, Zelda, no.
You've been crying for two days.
So, I figured only Moishe-y knew him.
You must've encountered him at some point, Moishe.
We know his family from the Catskills.
I know the parents a little.
And the grandfather.
Saw him in the shower once after racquetball.
Wrinkliest nutsack I've ever seen.
- And he's seen some beauts.
- Oh, dear.
We're talking about the bar mitzvah boy? Akiva? Mm-hmm.
Moishe was asked to do an aliyah at his service, - and he swears he's never met him.
- And it's a short list of people you pick to do an aliyah at your bar mitzvah.
You'd think you'd pick someone that knows who the fuck you are.
Well, it's nice just to be wanted by someone.
Anyone.
Our house is so empty now.
Abe and I will visit soon, Shirley.
I promise.
Tuesday? I don't know about Tuesday.
Wednesday? I'll make my cabbage.
It'll be soon.
You have my word.
Your word is fairly meaningless, Rose.
You know it, I know it.
- So let's set a date.
- Hello! - The youth have returned.
- Ethan! Come here.
Grandpa's got to pick your brain.
- Saw Abe coming up behind me.
- His hours are so unpredictable these days.
Wow, look at this place.
It's all back together.
This is new.
The old one was chipped.
I remember when Ethan chipped it.
Akiva Bergman.
It doesn't ring a bell, huh? No.
- Don't rush.
Think, think.
- I've got dinner for you and Esther in the kitchen, Ethan.
- Say good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Maybe you bought the kid an ice cream once, huh? You know, and it was so special.
It really meant something.
I don't go around the Catskills buying ice cream for little boys I don't know.
There's plenty of those guys crawling around up there, you know what I'm saying? No.
What are you saying? You remember Daniel Sandberg? With the Coke-bottle glasses? I do.
He'd drive up with his mother.
Called him Danny Deep-Pockets.
Went around asking boys to dig in his pants for candy corn.
I knew nothing about this.
Then there was Tom from Buffalo - with the girly bangs.
- They called him Tommy Touch-Butt.
You're making this up.
Uh, Moishe, Shirley, you remember Susie? From Yom Kippur? - Hello.
- Hi.
What's going on? - A guy died.
- Oh, my God.
- Who? Your husband? - Uh, her roommate.
Jackie from the Gaslight.
Shit.
I knew him.
What happened? I just told you.
He fucking died.
Right.
Sorry.
So did a lot of people in my apartment.
Chester's got a list.
Cheeky Chester? Abe.
Just in time to eat.
Did you not see me behind you? - Yeah, but - Let's eat, everyone.
- Before it gets cold.
- I had to stand there and watch the elevator take you up to the ninth floor, stop, come back down.
Then I had to get on, take it back up.
That's 27 floors.
You'll survive, Papa.
It's family style, everyone.
Forget your manners and dive in.
Well, good thing I made it, because I have a fun piece of news for everyone.
Oh, let's hear it.
I've been I've I've been assigned - Why is Zelda crying? - I didn't make enough squash, - and I'm just so happy.
- We're good from here, Zelda.
Why don't you take a break.
So, the Village Voice has assigned me, its chief theater critic, to review a new Broadway musical by our own Buzz Goldberg.
- My God.
- Buzz has a show? - Like, a real show? - Yeah.
That musical he's been workshopping at Steiner for, what, eight years now? It's a real success story.
Did very well in New Haven.
Has a lot of good buzz, pardon the pun.
- Ha! Good one.
- And there's an opening night ticket for each and every one of you.
- Opening night.
- Fun.
Abe, what a score.
I already don't have anything to wear.
I'm so proud of Buzz.
He never gave up on the show.
We must have seen it at the resort about 20 times.
- Mm.
- And that song.
You can't get it out of your head.
You were in a version of Buzz's show one year, weren't you, Miriam? Up at Steiner? I played Clare Landsburg in the summer of 1953.
And he dropped you, right? No.
I wasn't dropped.
I did the show for a while, and it went very well, and then I made way for another lucky young lady to play the role.
I thought he dropped you because you can't sing or act.
Or dance.
That's how I remember it.
You couldn't sing or act or dance.
Please, people.
She's no Judy Garland, but she gave it her best shot.
Right.
No, I'm not Judy Garland, but who is? Besides Judy Garland.
And you froze that one time.
Remember? You came out on stage.
You couldn't remember your line.
One time, Shirley.
I froze one time.
I'd seen the show so much that I knew the line.
Everybody did.
The whole room was yelling out the line.
I wasn't fired from the show.
Okay? Is this all the squash? Oh, and, Joel, regardless of the elevator incident, I'm not leaving you out.
There's a ticket for you, as well.
Two, actually, if you'd like to bring a friend.
Yeah, Joel.
Bring a friend.
Archie or may be someone else.
There is no one else.
One ticket will suffice, Abe.
You know, Joel, I still consider you a family member, and it seems a shame that you're alone.
There was a perfectly good girl I set him up with last week.
Lena Brofmann.
It was a boy, by the way.
Wow.
You work quick.
Excuse me, Ma, for not wanting to go out with a pregnant divorced woman.
She's not divorced.
Her husband died.
- Everyone dies.
- Can we change the subject? Shirley, I'm disappointed.
You have a matchmaking professional in the family, after all.
Use me.
- My God, you're right.
- It says call for an appointment, but there's no appointment necessary for you.
No, please don't give her your card, Rose.
It doesn't matter.
I know her name.
I know her number.
Rose, change your name.
Change your number.
What's Joel's type? I know Miriam was his type, but what else? Moishe, if you're going to do an aliyah, do it right.
- He likes an athletic girl.
- Oh, athletic girl.
That's interesting.
You're gonna correct the next one? - Oh, how sweet.
- Little Molly? How about 63 years as a devout Jew? - Stickball player.
- Stickball? Oh, I'm gonna write that down.
An athletic, stickball-playing type? Anything I can do to make you stop? Rose? Is my bathrobe in the bathroom? Rose? Rose! What, Abe? I thought you were looking for my bathrobe.
No, Abe, I'm getting ready for bed.
Are you seeing this? - I'm, uh, picking up - Rose.
No, your bathrobe is not in here.
- Well, then, where is it? - It's where you left it last.
You look terrible, by the way.
Thank you, Groucho.
I'm not laughing.
This-this isn't a bit.
This is more like a national emergency.
Well, you look fantastic.
Trim and rested.
What's your secret? I'm 28.
- Here.
- No, seriously, you look the same as you did in the pictures I grew up on a long time ago.
How do you do it? Spending my golden years with the wife.
How long you two been married? Oh, I wasn't talking about my wife.
Both of Groucho's parents are dead.
Maybe you should get some sleep.
- Can't sleep.
- You want a little something? - My mother has some pills.
- Oh, I know.
I've been through your mom's pills.
She's got a lot of them.
She has three different places she hides them, in case you're wondering why that woman has a sewing kit.
Found Jackie's sister, by the way.
She asked me if I would speak at the service.
What did you say? I was trapped, so I said yes.
What am I gonna say, no? You sure you're up for that? Try not to fuck it up too badly.
Who got you hooked on cigars, Groucho? Well, who else? Chico.
- Chico smokes cigars? - Get some sleep.
Leave your beer.
There's not a lot Chico doesn't do except read.
He's a pretty big gambler, your brother.
If you enjoy understatements.
Any idea how much he's lost? Chico always says if you add up all the money Harpo has, that's how much I've lost.
Eat fast, Ethan.
We've got a big, fun day planned.
- Okay.
- Does this necklace work? - If you have to ask - Changing the necklace.
Mama, can I borrow your banana pin? It's in my jewelry box.
But if you're gonna do bananas on your dress, change your cherry earrings.
Too much fruit seems lazy.
Good morning, Susie.
Ethan Ramone Maisel, move your tuchus.
- I mean it.
We cannot be late.
- That's right, Ethan.
You can't be late for the doctor.
Oh.
Mama, we don't tell him he's going to the doctor.
We tell him he's going on a fun subway adventure.
Well, the cat's out of the bag now.
- I hate the doctor! - Come on, Esther.
Let's go talk your brother off that ledge.
- Morning, Susie.
- The doctor's the worst! I got a blintz.
You're going to make your sister - Leave me alone! - Stop running around.
No running.
No running.
I don't want to go to the doctor! - Okay, look, I need one of you to stay with her.
- What? There's no way I can take her to the pediatrician's with all her talk about people dropping dead.
Well, I certainly can't take her to the Village Voice.
I'm still new there.
I might get a nickname today.
- No.
- Fine.
We'll do rock paper scissors.
Ready? One, two, three.
- Maisel residence.
- Who won? One moment, please.
It's for you, Miss Susie.
behavior of the United States I hate the doctor! Hello? Hey, Susie, it's J.
J.
You hear about Jackie? Yeah, I fucking heard about Jackie.
I was living with him, moron.
Well, he left some boxes here.
Boxes of what? I don't know.
Stuff? Junk? I don't know.
What do you want me to do? I don't know.
You want me to dump 'em? I don't care.
Don't dump 'em.
I'll come by sometime this week.
Okay, but they're taking up space.
- Yeah, so are you.
- Hey, you looking for a new roommate? I'm gonna watch TV.
Guys, it's rock paper scissors.
Each thing beats something else.
It's a kid's game for God's sake.
But what if I chose heat? - Heat would melt the scissors.
- And burn the paper.
So heat would beat everything but rock.
Heat is not an option.
Water would rust the scissors and ruin the paper.
Are the scissors brass or steel? How about we just flip a coin, hmm? And your hobbies are knitting, needlepoint, and weaving? I own my own loom.
All right.
Well, we'll put that into column two.
Remember, we discussed this? The after-marriage revelations? Mm-mm.
I promise you, Amelia, we will find you the perfect mate.
You think so? I do.
I really do.
Because every time I meet a man, I never know what to say.
It doesn't matter what you say.
The man's not listening to you anyhow.
- Rose! - Yes, Susie? - My page is full.
- Well, then turn it over.
- Both sides.
- What about the other pages? - All full.
- Then we will get you more paper.
All right, Amelia.
Tell your mother the meeting went well, and the address to send the check - is on the back of the card.
- Okay.
Thank you.
I'm very excited.
Good? Was it good? Very good.
I need to use the restroom.
Susie? Tinkle time.
- I already went.
- Rose? You'll have to delay your break for a bit.
- You have a walk-in.
- Another one? Another two! Word of your prowess is spreading like melancholia.
My goodness, it's all happening so fast.
It's thrilling.
You already have three confirmed kills this month.
Three matches, three engagements.
So much goddamn happiness.
Contain yourself.
We're in a tea room.
People are steeping.
- Rose! - What? I'm bored.
I'm hungry.
I want to leave.
I'm working, Susie.
We will leave when I'm done.
Ugh! Hate this! Get her some more paper, will you? Of course.
Question: why is she here? A gentleman passed away in her apartment.
And she can't go back.
Oh.
Is he blocking the door, or ? I don't know.
Go get the next person signed in? Yes.
Of course.
Mirabelle, you're up next.
She's getting your paper.
- You're a matchmaker, huh? - That's right.
You really think there's someone out there for that gorgon that just left? - Yes.
- She's got a hunchback.
- I can fix that.
- Really? You gonna blind the guy? Susie! This is a business.
Now you are my daughter's manager and a plumber before that, so you should understand business.
I will send the gorgon to my hairstylist, and she will fix her hair.
And I will teach her about foundation and mascara and lipstick and deodorant, and we will get her a girdle, and she will sit up straight, and we'll destroy her loom, and she will have a husband.
Because there is someone out there for everyone.
What are you looking at me for? What's this? I ordered it for you.
For me? The whole thing? - Yes.
- And it's just whipped cream? And a spoon.
And I can just eat it? It doesn't have to go on anything? That's right.
Rose Weissman, I would follow you into hell.
- That won't be necessary.
- Oh, hello.
Yikes.
- Susie! - Sorry.
You must be Mirabelle.
I'm Rose.
What a lovely dress.
What can I do for you? Ma, there's sweat running down your neck.
- Let it go.
- It's opening night.
Why would I not wear my best? It's 80 degrees out.
You're gonna melt.
- Let it go.
- I want to be buried in this coat.
- That may happen tonight.
- Let it go.
There they are.
Follow me, everybody.
Mr.
Weissman.
Welcome.
I'm Gerald, the house manager.
Your tickets, sir.
Thank you.
Do you like my cape? It's very natty.
Ma'am, would you like to check your Let her wear it.
Anything else you need, let me know.
Okay, looks like we have five in the orchestra and two in the mezzanine.
Here you go.
We're sitting together? - Away from you guys? - Yep.
- No, no.
- Oh, hey.
- Is there ? No.
- No, no.
- No, no.
- Can we ? I, I, I - I would love to maybe switch? - No.
- Or maybe I can sit with Midge? - I want to sit with Midge.
Yes? Midge? Yes? Yes? Midge? Yes? Well, the five are fifth row center, so Damn.
That's our cue, everybody.
Let's go in.
A drink for you, sir? Are my feet on the ground? Oh, I want to see it again and again and again and again.
And that song with the full orchestra, yowza! Oh, there he is.
There's our Buzz.
Ah, that is a very big smile on that boy's face.
Well, he's earned it.
I remember a couple of summers ago, it was the cutest thing.
Buzz came up to me and said Kitty Carlisle Hart! - Who? - What's that? It's Kitty Carlisle Hart! From To Tell The Truth.
Oh, it's my favorite game show! Kitty! Kitty! Go get 'em, tiger! Wait! Wait, wait, Kitty! Kitty! - Her? - Kitty, wait, wait! - Her? - Do you find her attractive? Rose, please don't feel the need to Oops.
Never mind.
Didn't see the mole till she turned.
Would you find her attractive without the mole? I made two rounds of the place.
No sign of Susie.
Good.
Three songs in, she pulled out a bag of Cheetos and told everyone who shushed her they'll be dead someday.
It's good she's gone.
There they are.
The ones that got away.
- Hi, Pauly.
- Hello, stranger.
How are you, Pauly? Brokenhearted without you at the resort this year.
Maybe next year.
How about our boy, huh? He had such big dreams, but who knows from dreams.
"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight.
" - Oscar Wilde.
- And now look at me, a bigshot financial investor in Buzz's dreams.
Pauly, you macher! It's a small slice, but the thing is, you hear that song, you take out your wallet.
- Uh-huh.
- Miriam Maisel! - Look at you, all dolled up.
- Hello, Edie.
Good to see you.
I was just talking to someone.
You were the star of this show one year, weren't you? - Up at Steiner? - Clare Landsburg, summer of '53, at your service.
Then you got dumped, right? No, Edie.
I wasn't dumped.
Fired, whatever you want to call it.
It was just a fun vacation thing I did one year.
That's all.
I'm not an actress.
Oh, you don't have to tell me.
I was there.
It's really good to see you, Edie.
- Hello.
Love that hat.
- Oh, hi! That Kitty Carlisle Hart, she's like Houdini! I cornered her in a stall in the bathroom.
But when I kicked the door open, she wasn't there.
But I got her shoe.
Everyone look for a limper.
Abe, he's free.
Oh, let's grab him while we can.
There he is.
Buzz, dear, we are so proud of you.
Oh! I loved everything about it.
Oh, but that one character, Iris.
I mean, I hated her, but I loved her, too.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Weissman.
Uh, Abe, you didn't bring your press hat.
It clashed with my cape.
Fun, right? It's amazing.
I knew you when you were a pisher.
The kid who fell into the lake on day one, holding a live mic.
I like making a big entrance.
Are you happy, Buzz? Be happy.
I am.
It's the best night of my life.
Hello, everyone.
Uh, can you hear me okay? - Yes! - Yes? Very good.
Thank you all for coming tonight.
For supporting our show.
It means the world to us.
But let me bring the true star of the night up here to speak.
The man who wrote the music, the lyrics, the book my friend, and yours, Buzz Goldberg! Oh, thanks.
Uh, thanks, everyone.
Ooh, it's a big night, um I haven't breathed since the curtain came up.
Just breathe, Buzz, breathe.
Um, thank you, Myron, for guiding the ship and teaching me so much.
And to our director, Mr.
George Abbott, I think you have a future in this business, sir.
And to my dramaturg and roommate, Kevin, I owe you everything.
Thank you, Kevin.
And to the people who inspired me so much, who inspired this show, my Steiner Resort family because you are just that family.
Steiner! Steiner! Steiner! We're finer, finer! Finer! Steiner! Steiner I need to go.
My deadline's tonight.
Go, go.
We'll see you at home.
Finer! Finer! Finer! Steiner! Two guitars.
Jackie would've hated that.
Hey.
- You going to the opera or something? - Just get me Jackie's boxes.
There's a couple others.
This fell out of one of 'em.
"Jacopo Dellapietra"? Jackie was in the Army? Don't know.
A Bronze Star? Some kind of medal.
Who's Darla? Abe Weissman, stop right there.
Give me a 360.
A cape is not an easy thing to pull off, my friend.
I make it look easy.
- You ready to work? - Oh, yes, I am.
Sorry about the tight deadline.
It's the way it happens sometimes.
Oh, I thrive on deadlines.
I'll be downstairs if you need me.
You bet.
Got it! What is this? My review.
"They Came, They Danced opened last night at the Mark Hellinger Theatre.
Your mother might like it.
" - I can't publish this.
- Why not? Well, for one, it's supposed to be a thousand-word review and it's about a thousand words short.
I could add some adjectives.
Abe, I need specifics.
Specifics? If you think someone's mother would like the show, then tell me why you think someone's mother would like the show.
Do I really need to tell you this? No, I know.
But in this case, I would really rather not get into all that.
- I'm sorry? - Yeah.
I just don't think specifics are what people need.
Or want.
I don't know if you've ever done any research on this, but I I I think I'm right about this.
Yeah.
Abe Okay, Gabe, here it is! The show was terrible, okay? Terrible! I mean, a-a travesty.
- Okay - They took a cute, charming musical, conceived in the Catskills, cast with a fun group of resort guests, all of whom were good, except my daughter, and turned it into a bland, cynical, bloated three-hour piece of contrived inanity! The costumes terrible.
The sets terrible.
The script terrible.
It's got one song.
- One song? - That they reprise five different times, because they know they only have one good song.
They're duping the audience, Gabe! And that kills me.
Great! Write that down.
We've known this kid ten years.
I watched him fall into a lake.
I pulled him out.
Maybe you shouldn't have.
Dark thought, I know.
Okay, Abe, how about this? Skip the specifics.
Use the show to get to the big picture your thoughts on everything that's wrong in the theater today.
Get angry.
Be personal.
That's why we hired you, Abe.
For your voice.
Don't let them get duped.
- You okay? - Yeah.
I just, you know, maybe I should've worn something else.
- Like what? - I don't know.
Like a dress.
I don't I can't I'm trying to picture - Have you ever worn a dress? - Of course I've worn a dress.
- I was a baby once.
- Okay.
- You know, helpless.
- Sorry.
I was fucking adorable in a dress.
This way, I guess.
- Did you get the time wrong? - I did not get the time wrong.
'Cause you have a problem with time.
I did not get the time wrong.
Susie, thank you for coming.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, Nancy, this is You must be Miriam.
The comedian? Yes.
I'm so sorry about Jackie.
I'm really gonna miss him.
You know, he sent me clippings about you all the time.
He was very proud.
Oh, well that's really sweet.
- I saved you both seats, but - Where is everyone? Oh, well, I sent the word out.
I went through his phone book, and the monsignor made some calls.
Just didn't get much of a response.
Oh, excuse me.
He saved my clippings.
Chester.
Chester! What the fuck? They have onion sandwiches.
Sit.
And don't breathe out.
I didn't think Jackie thought I was funny.
Well, it's past 3:00 now, so we should probably get started.
- I'm keeping this.
- Welcome, everyone.
I want to thank you all for coming out today to say goodbye to one of our favorite sons, Jacopo "Jackie" Dellapietra.
I'm Monsignor Armanno Ricci of the Church of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, the church that Jackie was so active in all of his life.
He went to church? I've known Jackie since he was a little boy, and, well, I would be lying if I said we didn't find a need to keep a tight lock on the altar wine.
Many a morning, we found that the blood of Christ had been replaced with Dr Pepper.
He was also the first one to lend a hand.
Now, I can't prove that he was the one who built the new platform for the manger scene when the old one got destroyed by vandals, but I'll bet it was him.
Lots of little stories about Jackie I could share, but I think I'm going to turn the podium over to someone who's very special to him.
Someone he always referred to as one of his closest friends.
Susie? That's you.
No, he said one of his closest friends.
Well, unless another Susie just walked in Hey.
Tits up.
Uh, hi.
Guess I'm Susie.
And, um, Nancy asked me to talk, so Fuck this.
Follow me.
Who is that? Hi.
Sorry.
I'll just be a minute here.
Supposed to say a few words about Jackie Dellapietra, who's over there across the hall in the empty loser room.
But, well, I just I can't talk about him to an empty room.
That's not how it should go.
That's not how he should be remembered.
Or not remembered.
'Cause apparently, no one remembered, because nobody showed up.
Except four people.
Four people to send you off.
Where the fuck was everyone? A man dies, you show up at his funeral, right? This was Jackie.
Mean, he never hurt anyone.
He just He lived his life.
He did nice things.
He fixed up my shitty apartment.
Put up curtains.
He painted.
He made stew.
He built whatever the hell it was he built for the fucking monsignor over there.
Apparently, no one gave a shit.
No one noticed.
Fuck, I lived with the guy, and I didn't notice.
We slept very close.
I mean, I knew personal things about the guy.
You know, he snores.
Yeah, certain foods did not agree with him.
You kept the windows open on those nights.
I knew his laundry day.
I knew when he cut his hair.
Shit like that.
But I never knew him.
Yeah, I never knew he fought in the war.
I never knew he got a medal for bravery.
I mean, they don't just hand those out.
You got to get shot or-or save somebody or blow up a fucking tank.
A medal is a big deal! He collected Bazooka Joe comics.
He kept the little ticket stubs to the opera.
He had a baseball signed by Babe Ruth.
Can you fucking believe that? Jackie met Babe Ruth.
And he kept it in a shoebox like an asshole, but he had it.
I mean, this guy lived a life, and I never knew any of this.
I mean, it was just a minute ago I found out I was his friend.
No, I'm sorry, one of his closest friends.
I had a close friend, and I never knew it.
And where the fuck is Darla? Hmm? She couldn't take off one afternoon to come and pay her respects to a man she wrote 51 fucking idiotic letters to? A heart over every "I.
" What's so important she couldn't take the time off to come and give this man a proper send-off? She better be dead.
You know what I really don't understand? How is it a decent guy, a guy who worked his ass off his entire life How is it he could barely afford to sublet the corner of my shithole apartment? I mean, he never caught a break.
He never got ahead.
How fucked-up is that? All these fucking horrible assholes in the world that just get shit handed to them.
And this guy fought in a war.
He traveled.
He Oh, he won a Lindy contest.
I didn't know Jackie could dance.
Half the time, it didn't seem like he could walk.
But there is a first-place ribbon sitting in this fucking weather-beaten, rat-eaten, fucked-up, little box that he shoved in a corner.
A man's life.
In a shitty box.
A really good man's life.
You know, a man who deserved something, and he wound up sprinkling sawdust on vomit at the Gaslight.
Well, this can't continue, okay? I cannot stand by and watch this happen to another poor slob, so I am dedicating the rest of my miserable fucking life to finding the Jackies of the world.
The ones you walk by.
The ones you don't see.
The ones who never catch a break.
And I'm gonna make sure that they never, ever end up in my fucking apartment! Oh, and I'm really sorry about this lady.
I'm sure she was very nice, too.
- Boise.
How are you? - Busy.
- Are things gonna go smoother tonight? - Hope so.
There'll be a more accurate run-of-show list? Maybe Philomena's wire contraption - won't cause any major head injuries.
- Run of show? - Yeah.
- Sexy Angel.
Sexy Soviet Spy.
- Sexy Angel.
Sexy Spy.
- Roaring '20s.
Pouty Poet.
- Roaring '20s.
Pouty Pouty what? - Cleopatra.
Harem Girl.
- Harem Girl.
Slow down.
- Sexy Nurse.
Cancan Mademoiselle.
- Sexy something.
Cancan Mademoiselle.
- Rising Venus.
- Rosie the Riveter.
- You didn't make a list, huh? - Sailor Girl.
China Doll.
Sleeping Beauty.
- Rosie Doll.
Sailor Girl.
Boise, Boise, Boise, I can't memorize all that.
Write it down for me.
I thought I recognized that unique combination of lilt and intensity.
What the hell are you doing here? Oh, well, I hate to steal your line, but what the hell are you doing here? You have to leave.
I'm about to go on.
Oh, shit.
Are you stripping now? I knew the Shy Baldwin thing was tough, - but there's nicer places.
- I'm the comic.
- Here? - Yes.
And I'm about to go on.
And I'm still honing and experimenting, so go away.
- You want me to go away? - Yes.
Because I would make you nervous.
You would make me nervous.
Don't smile.
Bad smile.
I got a story for you.
Back in high school Mepham High in Bellmore, out on Long Island I took this speech class.
One day, the teacher stands me up in front of everybody and gives me a topic.
Zoos.
Are they good or bad? Some shit like that.
I was supposed to be against them.
Told me to take five full minutes to make my case.
Now, I'm feeling fairly confident about the subject, so I start my little spiel, going on about how animals shouldn't be in cages and how we're the real animals for putting them there in the first place - Mm-hmm.
- when all of a sudden, I get beaned in the head by an eraser.
I check to see who threw it, and it was the fucking teacher.
Now, I'm surprised, to say the least, but I continue my little speech with a masterful segue into the science of evolution and how we're no less animal than any other of God's creatures that is, if God exists; I threw that in when another fucking eraser hits me in the fucking head.
And it's like that every ten seconds for the rest of my speech.
Something coming at my head.
Erasers, chalk, crumpled paper, a half-eaten apple.
But I soldier on and get through the five minutes.
Afterwards, I ask my teacher, "What was that all about?" And she says, "Mr.
Schneider.
" For I was Schneider at the time.
"Mr.
Schneider, I was simply training you to block out distractions.
It's your job to stay focused despite whatever's coming at you, and you did good.
" This seemed like bullshit at the time, but it turned out to be a very valuable lesson.
It trained me for what I do now.
So, tonight, Mrs.
Maisel, your version of erasers and chalk and half-eaten apples will be me staying for your gig.
No.
This isn't Bellmore.
Everything is Bellmore.
Mrs.
Maisel.
Time to start the show.
I think it's time to start the show.
Fine.
Stay.
But do not sit where I can see you.
Oh, now I'm definitely gonna sit where you can see me.
Shit.
Mrs.
Maisel! All right! - Hello.
- Hello there, not many ladies and many gentlemen.
I'm Mrs.
Maisel, your host and guide for the evening.
Bravo.
This is a very weird job I have.
I'm a woman who comes out here to make men laugh who are here to see women take their clothes off.
Easier job for a man.
Yeah! And a tricky balancing act for me.
But not as tricky an act as Sandy, our stripping contortionist, who uses a common household plunger to balance her Nah, I'm not gonna spoil it for you.
Just don't leave before seeing it.
And what am I supposed to talk about in between strippers, huh? Baseball? Kittens? Grandparents? I mean, how do you keep a starving man's interest when you're performing between a chocolate doughnut and a cheeseburger? Not that you're all paying attention to me.
See these guys right here? These guys are ignoring me and just talking to each other.
What are they talking about? Just the stuff you'd expect at a joint like this.
I can hear them, so let me recreate the conversation.
"You know what I hate worse than being stuck in traffic when you got to piss real bad? The fact that Aristotle relied so much on opinions based on nonscientific reasoning.
" "I disagree.
I believe a person can reason perfectly well in circumstances where we cannot claim to have scientific understanding, so I defend the philosopher Aristotle.
" "Jesus Christ, you and your fucking Aristotle.
It's Aristotle this and Aristotle that.
" "You know, he buggered young boys.
" "It was a different time, don't you know.
You can't apply modern standards to ancient figures.
" Sidebar.
"Gee, Miriam Maisel, how do you even know all this stuff about Aristotle? You seem very girly with your pretty makeup and your fashionable hairstyle and your Park Avenue heels.
" And I say, "Well, my father would read Aristotle to me as a child, and I absorbed facts about the old fart even though I don't know what the fuck any of it fucking means.
" Didn't mean to interrupt.
Thank you! See you in a few.
Now that I'm here, looking at little Akiva, - I still have no fucking idea who that kid is.
- Me, neither.
- And they got me going last in order.
- Shh.
- It's the best spot.
- Mystery.
Oh, there's Stevie.
Maybe she didn't recognize us.
No, she recognized us.
Look, out of respect for you, I want you to know.
This? You and me? I'm not in the market right now.
No matter what Rose Weissman or my mother told you.
It's not gonna happen.
Excuse me.
Buddy, do we have a problem here? No.
No problem.
Then leave my wife alone? Oh.
Sure.
Sorry.
And good Shabbas, by the way.
Amen Abe, are you noticing anything odd in here today? Hmm? Not me.
- Me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me - From the diaphragm, Moishe-y.
From the diaphragm.
We now call to the bimah for the final aliyah Navi Ben Nasan.
- What the hell? - He must have got it wrong.
He read off the card.
The man has a card.
- It was on the card.
- Mr.
Maisel.
Hi.
I'm Akiva's mom.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Some signals got crossed on our end.
Akiva mumbles.
We're working on that.
Oh, sure, sure.
I figured something happened.
I mean, my son wouldn't even be able to pick you out of a lineup.
Hope you didn't practice too hard.
Not at all, actually.
Thanks for the heads-up.
- Thank you.
- He couldn't pick you out of a lineup? Little prick.
- You call that a voice? - Pop, shh.
- Amen - Abe, the rabbi.
I'm seeing your point now.
So it's not just me.
Akiva, you did a wonderful job.
Now, before we proceed with Hagbah, please tell everyone here about your Torah portion.
In one word, what is it about? Bravery.
Yes, well, uh, bravery is very interesting, Akiva, and very noble.
But is it as important as loyalty? I-I guess.
Papa, what did you do to the rabbi? - I did nothing to the rabbi.
- But, um, no one's braver than my Uncle Saul.
He helped liberate the Jews of Auschwitz and now owns three restaurants, one of them dine-in.
But one must keep in mind how important it is for a community such as ours to be loyal to each other.
Do I have something on my shirt? Shame on you, Abe Weissman.
- What did I do? - Poor, innocent Buzz.
Oh.
What did you do to Buzz? Your husband killed his show.
Wrote horrible things about it in that farkakte paper of his.
It was the boy's life's work.
The Village Voice is not my paper.
- Papa, what did you write? - I wrote what I saw.
Schmuck.
You should be ashamed, Abe Weissman.
Look, people, I am a journalist.
And sometimes, writing a bad review is part of my job.
It's what I owe the public.
So, please, let's have some respect and give the floor back to Rabbi Huebsche.
What's more important, Abraham, - your public or your people? - Yeah! We escaped the jaws of Hitler for this? Slander.
That's what he wrote.
Lies and slander! Abe, what is this review? What did you write? Here.
See for yourself.
I talked to Buzz last night, and he was inconsolable.
Says he wished he'd drowned in the lake that day.
He would have if I hadn't saved him.
- Just to kill him again? - "To watch They Came, They Danced is to reside in hell.
I felt an anger and despair I had not felt since I was a young man realizing that the American dream came with an enormous asterisk.
" - Oh, Papa.
- What? I'm paid to speak the truth.
I'm paid to be honest.
Were you this honest when your daughter stunk up the show in '53? Now, once and for all, people, I may not be Mary Martin or Jessica Tandy, but I was a decent Clare, and I did not stink up the show.
My singing isn't perfect, but in musical theater, character is more important than technique.
Abe Weissman, you stood there, sipping champagne, making small talk, quoting Oscar Wilde, hugging Buzz, toasting Buzz, all while holding the knife of Cain behind your back.
Oh, Pauly, don't be so dramatic.
You're the only one who can speak truth? Truth, huh? Truth? Well, there's nothing in the Hebrew Bible indicating that Cain killed Abel with a knife.
So much for your truth.
Yes, there is.
The Book of Genesis.
Cain killed Abel.
And it's implied it was with a knife.
Rabbi, chime in here.
The Torah says that Cain - was a worker of the ground.
- Exactly.
So it was most likely a hoe or a trowel.
He didn't carry a knife.
And not that you care, but my hard-earned nest egg is kaput.
You said you invested a small slice, Pauly.
Don't exaggerate for effect.
Small for the show, big for me.
You know, the show was not very good.
What are you talking about? - Maybe it was good.
- I was nice in this review.
I very kindly used the show to talk about the rot at the heart of the American theater instead of listing all its faults.
What about the song? It has one good song.
That's it.
You can't have a musical with one good song.
And I don't know why you're on their side.
That character you loved to hate? The rude, hectoring busybody? It's you.
- I beg your pardon.
- Her name was Iris.
Rose, Iris.
She sipped sherry, had a fortune-teller, two kids.
You ruined the show, and now you've ruined - poor Akiva's bar mitzvah.
- Yeah.
I wish I hadn't invited you, Mr.
Weissman.
No offense, but there were a lot of problems - with your invite list, kid.
- So you didn't like it.
Fine.
You have to kill it for everyone else? It's a nice little show.
It isn't doing any harm.
It is.
Because out there, there's a great show that isn't getting the resources it needs to be seen.
- What show? - What do you mean, what show? What show? What's this great show that's sitting out there with no resources and no money? There's ten shows out there that could use resources.
Twenty.
- What are the 20 shows? - He's saying that if you give to one thing, you're taking from another.
This from the girl who stunk up - the Catskills with her ham acting.
- Who said that?! Don't hide! Who said that?! Stop, everybody.
Stop.
I am a distraction.
And, apparently, an enemy of the people.
So I will leave so that you can carry on with your ceremony.
But there is something you all need to know going forward.
You are the frog.
I am the scorpion.
I sting because it is my nature.
Damn, I wish I had my cape.
So what if I make demands? I mean, how hard is it to make room-temperature water? It's the temperature of the room.
Hey, do we know a Mr.
Fibbi? Fibbi? What kind of name is that? It says, "4:30.
Mr.
Fibbi called.
Will call back.
" Doesn't ring a bell.
Zelda never takes the first name.
I keep telling her to do that.
The staff at Steiner always seemed so happy to have their mistakes corrected.
And there is a certain way to cut a grapefruit.
God made those segments for a reason.
- Hello? - Abe.
It's Asher.
Asher.
This is a surprise.
Really? I'm a little surprised that you're surprised.
- Why? - Well, a friend sent me this thing you wrote in the, uh, Village Voice.
You review a show.
They Came, They Danced.
- Sounds like a piece of shit.
- That's putting it mildly.
And then you got a little nostalgic at the end with the asterisk and the American dream, which segued very nicely into something the two of us did back in the '20s.
My editor likes me to get personal.
Oh, sure.
But did he like the fact that you fingered the two of us for a federal fucking crime, Abe?! - What are you talking about? - The nifty little paragraph about art and anarchy where you describe very vividly how you and I set a federal building on fire.
Oh, that was years ago.
No one cares.
- The FBI does.
- What? They want to see us in the New York field office next week.
The FBI hasn't contacted me.
They will.
Trust me.
So kiss your loved ones goodbye and grab your toothbrush, Abe, because you and I are gonna be breaking rocks at Leavenworth.
Which is gonna be hell on my gout.
- See you in New York.
- Asher Mr.
Fibbi.
To Jackie.
A man who didn't suffer fools gladly and thought everyone was a fool.
A man whose love of ocarinas summed up his total lack of musical taste.
A man who borrowed ten bucks from me the day before he died, because somehow he knew.
A man who knew how to drive me crazier than any person in this fucking world, except you.
A man who was my friend.
- To Jackie.
- To Jackie.