The Neighborhood (2018) s04e03 Episode Script

1 (KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, hey, guys.
Oh, thanks for coming to Gemma's teachers mixer.
Yeah, of course.
You know we're happy to support.
(CHUCKLES): Come on, Dave.
We're like family, man.
Plus, Tina told me you had an open bar.
Good, you guys are here.
You have to meet Alexis.
I just hired her to teach Black history.
Now my school's on its way to having its most diverse staff - in years.
- Hmm.
With this group? By "diverse," she must mean in height - and age.
- Mm-hmm.
She has three degrees, speaks multiple African languages, and Sasha Obama follows her on Twitter.
(CHUCKLES) - TINA: Hmm.
- You are gonna love Alexis.
You know, she has already taught me so much - about Black history.
- TINA: Ah.
Did you know that one in four cowboys were Black? No, Dave, I think it's more than that.
I mean, you got Deion Sanders, uh, Emmitt Smith, Michael Irvin.
That's just the '90s.
What are you talking about? - (TINA CHUCKLES) - Come on, I'll introduce you.
- Oh.
- Excuse me, Alexis? These are our good friends Calvin and Tina.
Oh, nice to meet you, my brother.
Mm.
Nice to meet you m-my sister.
- Hi.
- (CHUCKLING) Oh! Okay.
We're hugging.
(CHUCKLES) Ooh, you're strong.
(CHUCKLES) Look at you.
Nyeusi ni nzuri.
- Oh.
- It's Swahili.
It means "Black is beautiful.
" Well, to you, I say, "Ezekiel Elliott.
" Another Cowboy.
Peace out, y'all.
As-salaam alaikum.
- W-Wa alaikum as-salaam.
- Uh, wa alaikum as-salaam.
Mayim Bialik to you.
(DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, my God.
Isn't she great? - Yeah, - she's great.
- Yeah, yeah, really great.
But there's just one problem.
She ain't Black.
- Huh? - What? Oh, yeah, trust me.
That girl is as white as the cast of Friends.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Tina, what do you mean Alexis isn't Black? You're the one who told me that Black people come in all shades and colors.
We do.
But there's just something that doesn't feel right about her.
My Blackdar is going off.
You know, I hate to disagree with you, Tina, but my Blackdar says she is legit.
But, of course, I defer to you.
Come on, guys.
What's the worst that can happen if this teacher's not Black? The kids clapping offbeat in the school musical? Well, if she's not, then she lied on her application.
And even worse, this job came from a grant designated for an African American teacher.
The whole program could be in jeopardy if I got this wrong.
Okay, well, why don't you just ask Alexis - if she's Black or not.
- Yeah.
Legally, I can't.
(DAVE EXHALES) Wouldn't it be nice if there was a neighbor who had the complexion to make the connection.
Real subtle, Dave.
All right.
All right, fine, I'll do it.
- (EXHALES) - Just invite Alexis over for dinner, and we'll figure out if she's Black or not.
Oh, thank you! Thank you, Tina.
You know, this is like the Mariah Carey debate all over again.
Yes, no.
Yes, no.
Yes.
By the way, where did we land on that? Before you say anything, we are just here for the free food.
See, that's the problem with you two living within smell distance of my house.
- Mm.
- Oh, hey, have you guys heard the rumor that they're building a Starbucks on the old baseball field? The baseball field where I taught Malcolm to play? Yeah.
Mom, now we can walk to get our pumpkin spice lattes.
Mmm.
God is good.
(CHUCKLES) Yes, He is.
But I'm sure He prefers baseball over your little, fancy coffees.
Come on, they can't tear that field down.
It means too much to the community.
I got to try to do something to save it.
Well, what are you gonna do, move into the dugout in protest or lay out in front of the bulldozers? It's a local field, Tina, not Dodger Stadium.
I'm gonna go talk to the mayor.
He owes me a favor.
Come on, Mal.
What? Why do I have to go? (SCOFFS) Done with baseball.
A-And besides, no one's used that field in ten years.
And you haven't paid for food in ten years.
Let's go.
All right, guys.
Look, we got to convince the mayor to save this field.
Does everybody remember their parts? I do.
When you say, "What about the children?", I start crying.
You're raising a fine young man, Dave.
Okay, here comes the mayor.
Mayor Clyborne.
Thank you so much for meeting us.
We appreciate it.
Always happy to meet with my constituents.
Especially one that saw me at the gas station doing something.
- Allegedly.
- (CALVIN CHUCKLES) Well, you know, Mayor, if you forget about putting a Starbucks out here, then maybe I could forget about you getting premium at pump two without a car.
What do you want? This field used to be the heart and soul of this neighborhood.
What if we clean this place up and get the youth baseball league going again.
We can have sponsors to cover the cost.
You know, Calvin's shop will put in some money.
I-I will? Yeah.
Oh, I will if it will keep kids off the streets.
Kids off the streets.
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT) This field kept me from joining a gang and doing the drugs.
I don't know.
Think about the children.
(CRYING) Oh, you know, it's-it's okay.
It's okay, buddy.
Look, you may never achieve your baseball dreams, but you are gonna get what every kid wants: a half-caf macchiato.
Come on, Mayor.
Now, I know you don't want to see this cute little kid crying in the Pasadena Star-News.
(CRYING) All right! All right.
You get the team up and running, and I'll convince the city council.
Thank you.
So, me and Marty know how we're gonna figure out if Alexis is legit or not.
Yeah, we're gonna play trivia and ask her things only Black folks would know.
Okay, guys, I don't know that that's exactly a foolproof plan.
I mean, after spending so much time with Calvin, I'd probably win.
(LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES): Dave, you thought Barry White was white.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Okay, that's her.
Gemma, be cool, all right? We got this.
- Marty, get the door.
- Yes, ma'am.
(TINA CLEARS THROAT) - Hi! Welcome.
- (CHUCKLES) What's up, my people? Gemma.
Dave.
Tina, girl, I hope you don't mind, but I brought some potato salad.
Mmm.
Homemade or store-bought? Now, you know my mama raised me better than that.
- Homemade, of course.
- Okay.
Fantastic.
Now, if there are raisins or pecans in this, she ain't Black.
Calvin, I think it is on point that you're exposing our boys to baseball.
Did you know that Jackie Robinson is from right here in Pasadena? Yes.
Yes, I did know that.
You know what, and speaking of fun facts, why don't we play some Black trivia.
(ALL EXCLAIM) - Yes, king! - (CHUCKLES): Oh! Yeah.
Me first, Your Highness.
MARTY: Uh, okay, Dave.
After you stop, drop, what do you do next? - Roll.
Fire safety 101.
Nailed it.
- Yep.
- No.
Wrong! - Wrong! (CHUCKLES) Tell him the right answer, Alexis.
After you stop, drop, you Shut 'em down, open up shop.
- (MALCOLM AND MARTY EXCLAIMING) - Hey, oh! (ALEXIS LAUGHS) - Ruff Ryders forever! - (MALCOLM AND MARTY LAUGH) Okay.
Okay, well, I got one.
Uh, Gemma, in the movie Lethal Weapon - GEMMA: Uh-huh.
- which actor says, "I'm getting too old for this ish"? - Oh.
- MARTY: Easy.
Easy.
Come on.
It was Morgan Freeman.
Ooh, sorry, beloved.
It's Danny Glover and his fine, chocolate self.
Mmm! Make sure everybody tries Alexis' potato salad.
Now, I hope y'all like it.
It's my big mama's recipe - from down in Biloxi.
- TINA: Ah.
Uh, Alexis? You put your foot in this.
- Mmm.
- Oh, yeah.
And your elbow.
Mmm.
Okay, not too much mayo.
- Mm-mm.
- It's perfectly seasoned.
I taste two squirts of mustard.
- Girl, this is fire.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm glad you like it.
- May I use your restroom? - Yeah.
Down the hall, to the left.
You got to jiggle that handle.
- So? - Oh, she's definitely a sister.
I can taste it.
I was wrong, Gemma.
Alexis is definitely a Black woman.
- CALVIN: Mm-hmm.
- Hold up.
Hold up.
I forgot my purse.
I did not expect to hear all that.
Y'all didn't think I was Black? No, no, no, no.
It's not that we - Oh.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Mm.
I don't know whether I'm more hurt or embarrassed.
Mm.
It be your own people.
Alexis, wait.
We're really sor Well, I guess she's just mad at you guys, then.
Looks like no one from the neighborhood showed up.
Well, we tried.
Let's go home.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys.
G-Guys, hold on.
W We can do this.
It's like my old drill sergeant used to say.
"Johnson, you stop hugging people, and you get to work!" (BOTH LAUGH) That's not gonna work on these guys, Dave.
Let me show you how it's done.
Either you start raking, or I'll raise your rent! (MOTOR SPUTTERING) (MOTOR RUNNING) (CHANTING): Weed-whack.
Weed-whack.
Weed-whack the grass.
Weed-whack.
Weed-whack.
Weed Six hours and only 35 complaints from Marty and the baseball field is back! I'm so tired.
I don't think I'm-a ever move again.
(PHONE CHIMES) Oh! My Uber Eats is here.
Can we play on the field now? Sure, man.
Come on.
Hey, Malcolm, grab a bat.
Let's show Grover how it's done.
Oh, no, I'm good, Pop.
Look, if we done here, I'm-a just head home.
Hey, man.
You all right? (CHUCKLES): I mean, you did all this work.
You sure you don't want to hit a few balls? Pop, this was your project.
All right? I'm only down here because you made me.
(CHUCKLES): Come on, Malcolm.
Come on, man.
You and I, we had some great memories on this field.
Baseball used to make you so happy.
Yeah, it used to make me happy, Pop.
Look, I blew my knee out, man, and I put baseball behind me.
Being back here on this field, it just This doesn't feel good anymore.
All right? I'm out of here, man.
Malcolm.
Malcolm! Malcolm! Huh.
You know, someone wouldn't have to yell if someone hadn't broken my megaphone.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Thanks again for accepting our apology.
Yeah, I feel bad for not believing you.
Oh, it's all good.
Especially since you're taking me out - for lunch and mimosas.
- (TINA AND GEMMA CHUCKLE) - Also, us queens need to stick together.
- (CHUCKLES) I know that's right, girl.
Sorry.
I got caught up.
No, no, no, that's all right, Gemma.
You're a queen, too.
- (ALEXIS AND TINA CHUCKLE) - (SIREN WAILS) Oh, no.
(GASPS) Oh, no, I'm getting pulled over.
Ah, see, I told you to slow your butt down.
- (GEMMA SIGHS) - You can't speed through a neighborhood with a Whole Foods.
License and registration, ma'am? Yeah.
You're aware your taillight is out? But my husband told me he fixed it.
Let me see.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - She's probably all right, but I don't want to leave her alone.
You right.
You right, sis.
We should go out there in case something pops off.
(CLEARS THROAT) See, ma'am? - I told Dave not to do it himself.
- (CAR DOOR CLOSES) ALEXIS: Mm.
You'd think with all the crime in this city, he'd have something better to do.
Uh, can you two please step back? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes, sir.
Uh, Alexis, step back.
No, we don't have to do what he says.
Yeah, yeah.
- I got time today.
- No.
I'm gonna need you to calm down, - ma'am.
- Don't tell me to calm down.
You about to lose your job.
- Listen, lady, I'm just trying - Ow! Ow! You-you cannot lay your hands on me, sir.
Did you see that? Ow! I'm gonna have your badge, sport! My parents own one of the biggest law firms in Los Angeles! Featherinham and Associates.
I'm sure you've heard of them.
DISPATCHER: All units report to 12th and Clover.
Shots fired.
She just said Featherinham and Associates.
She told me her last name is Simpson.
Copy that.
Unit 24 responding.
It's your lucky day, lady.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you better leave! I was about to go O-F-F! All right, you guys ready to go? Uh, before we do, is your last name Simpson or Featherinham? I don't know what her last name is, but I know her first name is Karen.
No Black woman in the world would do what you just did.
And your parents are the Featherinhams? I watch their TV commercials every day.
So, now, unless you're adopted you white.
As African Americans, aren't we all mixed with something? Girl, you just said "sport.
" That's even white for me.
Okay.
Uh, fine.
I'm white, but I love Black culture.
There's nothing wrong with being culturally fluid.
Girl, I don't know what culturally fluid is, but I am Black every damn day.
That's why you should appreciate my appreciation.
No, sweetheart.
Your appreciation is actually appropriation.
It's called Blackfishing.
See, we're not some exotic species that you can mimic to feel special.
It's clear that you want our rhythm, but don't want our blues.
Not to mention you took a job from a well-qualified African American candidate.
- Mm.
- I'm rescinding my offer.
You about to lose your job.
Hmm! That's fair.
I'm sorry.
And I appreciate you calling me out.
That's what I love about our culture.
We fight amongst ourselves, but at the end of the day, it's all love.
Gemma, get in the car.
- This woman is Lifetime movie crazy.
- Yeah.
Hey, Pop, are you all right? Your text said it was urgent.
- Did I say "urgent"? - Yeah.
I meant while you was out, uh, pick up some detergent.
- (SCOFFS SOFTLY) - Hey, well, since you're here, come on, man.
Grab a glove.
Let's go.
No.
No, man.
I told you, I'm done with baseball, Pop.
Yeah, son, but they aren't.
Look at them.
Those kids are you when you were a boy.
Except for the one wearing LeBrons.
I would never spend that kind of money on a 12-year-old.
Yeah, Dad, I know.
Come on, man.
Look how this game has brought the neighborhood together.
Join us.
I don't know, Pop.
I All right.
Okay, son.
Do me this favor.
For your old man, take one swing.
(LAUGHS): Look, I got your favorite bat.
You not gonna let this go, huh? Nope.
Fine, Pop.
One swing.
Let's go, baby.
Let's do it.
All right, y'all.
You ready? Here we go.
It's okay, all right? Malcolm, just fix your stance.
Adjust your grip.
Focus on the ball.
Here we go.
(BALL THUDS) (KIDS CHEER) Boom, baby! - (LAUGHING) - That's my son right there! Knocked it out the park! - It's a smaller park, but still.
- Yeah.
- Home run's a home run, man.
- Malcolm, that was incredible.
You hit that thing way out of here.
And I also think you hit a car.
- Know what? If I did, that was worth it.
- Yeah, right.
Hey, mister, can you teach us how to hit like that? Yeah, Malcolm, can you teach us? Please? Oh, look, I don't know, man.
Don't make me cry, 'cause you know I will.
(CHUCKLES) That is messed-up, G Man.
But, uh, yes, I will teach you guys.
- KIDS: Yes! - (CALVIN CHUCKLES) Now, you can't tell me that didn't feel good.
You know what, Pop? That felt great.
Felt just like back in the day, man.
Uh, growing up, all I ever really wanted to do was play baseball, so after I couldn't play no more, even thinking about the game hurt.
Yeah.
I can understand that.
But it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the game in different ways.
Know what, you right.
Thank you for bringing me back to the game, Pop.
Anytime, son.
Anytime, man.
That, my friends is why baseball is America's pastime.
Hey! Which one of you broke the windshield on my Mercedes? - (CRYING) - Hey.
Hey, man, I'm sorry, brother.
I got a little man, too.
I'm s - Oh, hey, Tina.
- Hey.
It's official.
- I saved the baseball field.
- Mm.
And I think the mayor's gonna give me a statue.
For saving the baseball field? Mm, that and, uh, you know, keeping a secret.
Well, I've got good news, too.
My Blackdar was right.
Alexis is white.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
But her potato salad was lit.
(SCOFFS) Please, she bought it from a food truck in Inglewood.
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
Is that how you busted her? No.
We got stopped by the cops, and she switched it up with the quickness.
She even hit him with the "I'll have your badge.
" (CHUCKLES): Oh.
Not the "I'll have your badge.
" (LAUGHS): Yes, she did.
Well, you know how it is with us, babe.
- Always on trend.
- That's right.
I mean, first it was our hair.
- Mm.
Mm.
- Then our skin.
Now it's our butts.
Everybody want to be Black till they treated Black.
- That's right.
- It's like my grandma used to say.
Don't stand next to the grill - if you ain't gonna keep it real.
- Hello.