The New Adventures of Old Christine s04e03 Episode Script
White Like Me
Morning Ali How's it going I'm pretty good My mom's s arthritis is acting up again so I had to go over there and open the cat food can for her She has a cat No I meant: how's it going with the gym Oh It's dead here Like my mom's other cat Okay I'm gonna switch gears here Did you fill the shampoo dispensers in the locker room They're only down this much and that's only because I borrowed some Oh and I also took two tampons And a towel I had a party this weekend Sorry I didn't invite you I couldn't make it anyway I was having my own tampon towel party Oh God I have had such a morning I already had to do laundry because Ritchie didn't have a clean uniform and then my car was out of gas,and then I had a conference with one of Ritchie's teachers Oh,I am so happy to finally be at work so I can get some rest I really hitched my wagon to the right star Oh thanks Barb I have something to show you Oh is it gross I don't want to see it Did it come out of the shower I don't want to see it Okay I want to see it No my article came out They interviewed me for Black Women's Business Weekly Oh that is fantastic Oh Lenny Kravitz looks terrible That's me Oh oh,you look great Yeah that really captures your Congratulations What is that magazine I've never seen it before It's a monthly that targets the African-American business community Oh that is just great Well I can't wait to read it You could read it now Oh now Oh I'm kind of busy right now Okay you're real funny but I don't see you getting the cover of a magazine with the third largest circulation of any free black women's monthly in the Los Angeles area excluding the San Fernando Valley Okay,you're right,Barb,it is It's a really big deal,it is And look it-- oh,wow,you are in good company They've got even Magic Johnson in here That's me,too Where's your hair I'm just trying to get the gym a little publicity I mean,it's dead in here I'm so bored I'm about to ask Ali what happened to her mother's other cat It's a really good story,but because of your tone I'm not going to tell you You know what I mean,publicity doesn't really work,though,Barb I mean,we were all over the L A Times last year and we didn't get one new member We were all over the L A Times because our steam room cultivated a new strain of athlete's foot fungus God,I miss my toenails You know,I could use a few new members It'll give me someone else to talk to Yeah,no offense,Barb,but,I mean,who really reads this thing I mean,is there still a lot of interest in Al Sharpton Damn it,Christine,that's me That I knew was you See We have fun You know what,Barb Maybe we will get one or two new members Good for you Good for you Something's different Presents YTET- Сภof old christine S4E03 What happened here What I don't know what you're talking about You've got some new members,huh Some new members They're all new members I've never seen this many new members in one place What is your point No point You own a black gym What Where did you get that from You didn't notice that everyone in your gym is black Of course not I'm a Democrat What does that mean I drive a Prius I don't see color What color is your Prius No idea I'm not a racist Christine,it doesn't make you a racist to notice that people are different colors Okay,look,I don't want to talk about this anymore,okay I need you to help me with Ritchie today Can you do that or not You're so stressed out It's like the muscles in your jaw are so tight you're developing a tic .
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I don't have a tic,okay I am working,all right Racist Until you learn what it means,you can't use that word anymore Look,I need your help,okay With all of these new members,I don't have time to do anything all right and Ritchie's got and Ritchie's got field trips and lessons and soccer practices and I need your help to get him there Done Okay,now,for soccer,you got to make sure that I know,I know We'll make sure he puts his shin guards on his shins and not in his pants Actually,that's a good general rule for him-- nothing in his pants All right,oh,but now listen He's playing U-12 now,so that means the practices are at Verdugo at 4:15 and the field is .
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You know what I better write this down No,no,no,don't write it down,I know where it is They had the playoffs there last year N-N-No,no,no,no,not on that side,though,on the other side,and there are,like,six fields there And you can't just drop him off He'll follow anyone with a whistle We'll make sure he finds his coach Don't worry about it Okay,now,wait a minute Now,listen,when you get him home,you give Ritchie dinner and then you make sure he showers but I mean really showers,okay,not just gets in and pees and gets out Well,he is his mother's son Okay,wait a minute,wait a minute,and then tonight you got to put his guitar by the door because he's got a lesson tomorrow,okay -Yeah,right -Fine Okay,repeat it back to me No,we got it Okay You got it Are you sure you've got it Yes Okay,sorry,I'm just a little uptight Because of all the new members Okay,will you stop calling them "new members" Christine,I need you out here One of the new members needs some help-- the woman in the pink sweats You're going to have to give her more than that She doesn't see color Get out Look at us First ones here Yeah,we beat the carpool line Christine owes us an apology for assuming we'd screw this up just because we're menen Yeah,you know what she is She's a sexist who doesn't know what "racist" means I mean,how da she doubt our abilities It's not just her It's everywhere All those dopey dads on TV "Oh,I put the diaper on backwards Hey,I'm gonna pour beer on my cereal "Oh,I forgot my anniversary,so now I'm in the doghouse I'm not gonna get any sex I love football and giant sandwiches Oh,God,it's Sunday I don't get that one No,it's Sunday Ritchie's home with Christine That's why we're the only ones here Oh,my God,it's Sunday Want to go home and watch football I can't,it's my anniversary I am so going to be in the doghouse with New Christine Giant sandwich sounds good Barb We're out of membership packets and I already used the back of the CPR poster What do we do now Well,first,we should unplug the treadmill so nobody has a heart attack and then you can stop dancing while you're talking to me It's hard Where's Christine Get out here Hey,Barb What are you doing in there Oh,I've been busy I've just been working on the five-year projections and the feasibility of franchise projections Almost,but you said projections twice Now come help me I had to start a waiting list We can't take on any more new members Well,maybe you can't,Barb,but I have no problem Yeah,I am just totally cool Oh,good,I'm glad you're totally cool Now,come help me get these women measured and weighed in Annette,Gloria,this is Christine She's my partner in the gym She's the white one Barb,you're terrible No She doesn't mean that Doesn't mean what Oh,any of it,you know Neither do I Christine actually started this business so if you have any questions about anything like franchise projections she's the one to ask Yes,well,thank you for that,Barbara I appreciate your confidence in me,but as the good man says,we are all equals Barb and I And us What's going on with your face Equality Hope Now,if you'll just excuse me,I will pop black into my office Back,not black So,if you'll excuse me,I will be white black Uh,white black whi-ite black What the hell was that Barb,I don't know what's happening to me I'm a Democrat I drive a Prius I don't even know what color it is What are you talking about Listen,ever since we've got these new members,pardon the expression It just it feels like the gym is different Yeah,it's different It's crowded and profitable Yeah,yeah,yeah,and that's good But it just it has a different vibe Vibe You know Essence I don't want to say any more I think you better say something I can't Say it,Christine Look,Barb,no offense,okay,but ever since that article came out,the gym has become entirely You finish No,you finish There are many not too many,but so many There are a lot of You finish Finish it,Christine Fine You want me to say it,I'll say it I think I'm a racist,Barb I'm going to go feed my mom's cat What are you talking about It makes sense I come from a long line of racists My great-grandfather was a racist,my grandfather was a racist My father owns a banjo,so he carries the gene Okay,calm down,crazy I've known you since you were 19 years old You're a lot of things You're a slut,you're lazy,you drink too much,you're cheap you're a terrible cook,a bad driver,awful speller,a miserable wife,a lousy Get to it,Barb You're not a racist You love black people You married a black woman I know,but for the past two days,every time I walk in this gym I feel nervous You know,I'm so worried that I'm going to say the wrong thing I just want to hide in my office and not talk to anyone Do you have any idea what it's like to be a minority No,I do not Well,it's hard Christine,how do you think I feel being surrounded by white people all the time I don't know Bored Sometimes You know,I mean seriously,Barb,I pride myself on my liberal values and my open mind I hate that I'm uncomfortable How do you think I feel when I go to cheese shops,the Hollywood Bowl,Volvo dealerships Malibu,Calabasas,Alaska,the Republican Convention,the Gap Get to it,Barb Everyone feels more comfortable when they're surrounded by people who look like them That's why Martha Stewart bought Connecticut But maybe we should diversify our clientele So that way we'll both feel comfortable We need to integrate the gym Oh,yeah,yeah,you're right We should just even it out Well,I brought in the black people with my article You go round up some white folks Okay,fine If you need me,I'll be at Whole Foods or Williams-Sonoma or Banana Republic,J Crew,Minnesota,Congress Oh,you know what,I'll just go to Ritchie's school - Hey,dude - Hey,man Where's Ritchie Oh,God Don't say that I called you last nit we went over the plan You were supposed to pick him up No,I was supposed to pick up dinner You were supposed to pick up Ritchie Where's dinner Oh,man Okay,we just have to remember what Christine said Today's Monday That means he was at school Where did she say he was going after school I can't remember She talks so much,and so little of it matters Well,if he's still at school,they would have called us Ah,there you go-- a message Hey,it's me Everything went well with Ritchie Give me a call Great Everything went well And wherever he is,there's a nice lady there How are we going to find him Oh,I don't think we can find him Okay,I know Let's listen to it again,and maybe we can hear something in the background that will clue as to where he is Message erased Did you catch anything Look,we're just going to have to go everywhere Ritchie goes He doesn't go that many places Okay,we'll start with the school,then we'll go to the soccer fields and then we'll try his friends' houses Who are his friends I don't know-- he's always talking about some kid named Clay Aiken I'm going to do you a favor and not tell you who that is If Christine finds out about this,we're going to have to move to Mexico She better not find out I do not like cilantro Can you believe this What are the chances of the three of us being pregnant at the same time I'm not pregnant What a beautiful blousy top What are you laughing at You're growing a beard It's my hormones It's falling out of my head and sprouting everywhere else Oh,hi,ladies Excuse me,um Well,as you know,I own a woman's-only gym,and we are having a promotion A two-week free trial membership for white women uh,for women Yeah,we have pregnancy yoga classes so you can all come together I'm going to burn this blouse You know,Christine,I don't think we're really interested Oh,well,I could throw in free massages and some facial waxing Oh,I'm in Oh,hey,Barb I got three I'm going to Nordstrom's to get some more I can't believe we didn't find him I can't believe you lost him I didn't lose him,I lost dinner And he's not lost,he's somewhere I'm so worried And hungry We're going to have to tell Christine And then she's going to talk to us in that tone for the rest of our lives I don't care I just want Ritchie back Me too,man Oh,come on,did you guys watch Rudy again Christine,we have to talk to you I know You must be so mad at me A little Explain why I screwed up the whole day I told you to pick him up at his guitar lesson Guitar lesson Go on But today wasn't his guitar lesson He had study group after school and then he went to Jimmy Ray's house until after dinner I sent you on a complete wild-goose chase You're damn right you did We drove all the way out to Hmm-dale Where You know,it's right off the 1-0-fling freeway Listen,I know that I messed up,but I got to get back to work Is there any way you guys can pick him up Of course We're not idiots Okay Thanks so much I've got to go wax Lindsay's chin She's having a rough pregnancy In the wrong light,she looks like Fidel Castro Thank you Well,that went well Yeah Do you have any idea where Ritchie is Well,I'm hoping to God he's in Hmm-dale What's different Oh,hi,Barb What did you do with all the black people I don't see color,Barb You don't see color because there is no color Now,what did you do with all the black people They got mad when they found out the white women were here for free and they had to pay It's also why the music went to crap This is terrible Well,we can fix it We can just offer free membership to our black clients,too You can't make any money that way Maybe we can charge Asians double Barb,come on,we have to treat everybody the same whether their Asian or black or regular They should just come because it's a good gym Yeah,it is a good gym As long as you wear sandals in the shower And it can stand on its own merits Well,we did it We sure did You know,Barb,maybe the world wasn't ready for an integrated gym Yeah,we were ahead of our time Besides,we've done our share We're part of a biracial,fake,lesbian,sham marriage Let somebody else do something Yeah,you're right We're heroes I'm exhausted I'm going to take a nap I'm going to go to Nordstrom's
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I don't have a tic,okay I am working,all right Racist Until you learn what it means,you can't use that word anymore Look,I need your help,okay With all of these new members,I don't have time to do anything all right and Ritchie's got and Ritchie's got field trips and lessons and soccer practices and I need your help to get him there Done Okay,now,for soccer,you got to make sure that I know,I know We'll make sure he puts his shin guards on his shins and not in his pants Actually,that's a good general rule for him-- nothing in his pants All right,oh,but now listen He's playing U-12 now,so that means the practices are at Verdugo at 4:15 and the field is .
.
You know what I better write this down No,no,no,don't write it down,I know where it is They had the playoffs there last year N-N-No,no,no,no,not on that side,though,on the other side,and there are,like,six fields there And you can't just drop him off He'll follow anyone with a whistle We'll make sure he finds his coach Don't worry about it Okay,now,wait a minute Now,listen,when you get him home,you give Ritchie dinner and then you make sure he showers but I mean really showers,okay,not just gets in and pees and gets out Well,he is his mother's son Okay,wait a minute,wait a minute,and then tonight you got to put his guitar by the door because he's got a lesson tomorrow,okay -Yeah,right -Fine Okay,repeat it back to me No,we got it Okay You got it Are you sure you've got it Yes Okay,sorry,I'm just a little uptight Because of all the new members Okay,will you stop calling them "new members" Christine,I need you out here One of the new members needs some help-- the woman in the pink sweats You're going to have to give her more than that She doesn't see color Get out Look at us First ones here Yeah,we beat the carpool line Christine owes us an apology for assuming we'd screw this up just because we're menen Yeah,you know what she is She's a sexist who doesn't know what "racist" means I mean,how da she doubt our abilities It's not just her It's everywhere All those dopey dads on TV "Oh,I put the diaper on backwards Hey,I'm gonna pour beer on my cereal "Oh,I forgot my anniversary,so now I'm in the doghouse I'm not gonna get any sex I love football and giant sandwiches Oh,God,it's Sunday I don't get that one No,it's Sunday Ritchie's home with Christine That's why we're the only ones here Oh,my God,it's Sunday Want to go home and watch football I can't,it's my anniversary I am so going to be in the doghouse with New Christine Giant sandwich sounds good Barb We're out of membership packets and I already used the back of the CPR poster What do we do now Well,first,we should unplug the treadmill so nobody has a heart attack and then you can stop dancing while you're talking to me It's hard Where's Christine Get out here Hey,Barb What are you doing in there Oh,I've been busy I've just been working on the five-year projections and the feasibility of franchise projections Almost,but you said projections twice Now come help me I had to start a waiting list We can't take on any more new members Well,maybe you can't,Barb,but I have no problem Yeah,I am just totally cool Oh,good,I'm glad you're totally cool Now,come help me get these women measured and weighed in Annette,Gloria,this is Christine She's my partner in the gym She's the white one Barb,you're terrible No She doesn't mean that Doesn't mean what Oh,any of it,you know Neither do I Christine actually started this business so if you have any questions about anything like franchise projections she's the one to ask Yes,well,thank you for that,Barbara I appreciate your confidence in me,but as the good man says,we are all equals Barb and I And us What's going on with your face Equality Hope Now,if you'll just excuse me,I will pop black into my office Back,not black So,if you'll excuse me,I will be white black Uh,white black whi-ite black What the hell was that Barb,I don't know what's happening to me I'm a Democrat I drive a Prius I don't even know what color it is What are you talking about Listen,ever since we've got these new members,pardon the expression It just it feels like the gym is different Yeah,it's different It's crowded and profitable Yeah,yeah,yeah,and that's good But it just it has a different vibe Vibe You know Essence I don't want to say any more I think you better say something I can't Say it,Christine Look,Barb,no offense,okay,but ever since that article came out,the gym has become entirely You finish No,you finish There are many not too many,but so many There are a lot of You finish Finish it,Christine Fine You want me to say it,I'll say it I think I'm a racist,Barb I'm going to go feed my mom's cat What are you talking about It makes sense I come from a long line of racists My great-grandfather was a racist,my grandfather was a racist My father owns a banjo,so he carries the gene Okay,calm down,crazy I've known you since you were 19 years old You're a lot of things You're a slut,you're lazy,you drink too much,you're cheap you're a terrible cook,a bad driver,awful speller,a miserable wife,a lousy Get to it,Barb You're not a racist You love black people You married a black woman I know,but for the past two days,every time I walk in this gym I feel nervous You know,I'm so worried that I'm going to say the wrong thing I just want to hide in my office and not talk to anyone Do you have any idea what it's like to be a minority No,I do not Well,it's hard Christine,how do you think I feel being surrounded by white people all the time I don't know Bored Sometimes You know,I mean seriously,Barb,I pride myself on my liberal values and my open mind I hate that I'm uncomfortable How do you think I feel when I go to cheese shops,the Hollywood Bowl,Volvo dealerships Malibu,Calabasas,Alaska,the Republican Convention,the Gap Get to it,Barb Everyone feels more comfortable when they're surrounded by people who look like them That's why Martha Stewart bought Connecticut But maybe we should diversify our clientele So that way we'll both feel comfortable We need to integrate the gym Oh,yeah,yeah,you're right We should just even it out Well,I brought in the black people with my article You go round up some white folks Okay,fine If you need me,I'll be at Whole Foods or Williams-Sonoma or Banana Republic,J Crew,Minnesota,Congress Oh,you know what,I'll just go to Ritchie's school - Hey,dude - Hey,man Where's Ritchie Oh,God Don't say that I called you last nit we went over the plan You were supposed to pick him up No,I was supposed to pick up dinner You were supposed to pick up Ritchie Where's dinner Oh,man Okay,we just have to remember what Christine said Today's Monday That means he was at school Where did she say he was going after school I can't remember She talks so much,and so little of it matters Well,if he's still at school,they would have called us Ah,there you go-- a message Hey,it's me Everything went well with Ritchie Give me a call Great Everything went well And wherever he is,there's a nice lady there How are we going to find him Oh,I don't think we can find him Okay,I know Let's listen to it again,and maybe we can hear something in the background that will clue as to where he is Message erased Did you catch anything Look,we're just going to have to go everywhere Ritchie goes He doesn't go that many places Okay,we'll start with the school,then we'll go to the soccer fields and then we'll try his friends' houses Who are his friends I don't know-- he's always talking about some kid named Clay Aiken I'm going to do you a favor and not tell you who that is If Christine finds out about this,we're going to have to move to Mexico She better not find out I do not like cilantro Can you believe this What are the chances of the three of us being pregnant at the same time I'm not pregnant What a beautiful blousy top What are you laughing at You're growing a beard It's my hormones It's falling out of my head and sprouting everywhere else Oh,hi,ladies Excuse me,um Well,as you know,I own a woman's-only gym,and we are having a promotion A two-week free trial membership for white women uh,for women Yeah,we have pregnancy yoga classes so you can all come together I'm going to burn this blouse You know,Christine,I don't think we're really interested Oh,well,I could throw in free massages and some facial waxing Oh,I'm in Oh,hey,Barb I got three I'm going to Nordstrom's to get some more I can't believe we didn't find him I can't believe you lost him I didn't lose him,I lost dinner And he's not lost,he's somewhere I'm so worried And hungry We're going to have to tell Christine And then she's going to talk to us in that tone for the rest of our lives I don't care I just want Ritchie back Me too,man Oh,come on,did you guys watch Rudy again Christine,we have to talk to you I know You must be so mad at me A little Explain why I screwed up the whole day I told you to pick him up at his guitar lesson Guitar lesson Go on But today wasn't his guitar lesson He had study group after school and then he went to Jimmy Ray's house until after dinner I sent you on a complete wild-goose chase You're damn right you did We drove all the way out to Hmm-dale Where You know,it's right off the 1-0-fling freeway Listen,I know that I messed up,but I got to get back to work Is there any way you guys can pick him up Of course We're not idiots Okay Thanks so much I've got to go wax Lindsay's chin She's having a rough pregnancy In the wrong light,she looks like Fidel Castro Thank you Well,that went well Yeah Do you have any idea where Ritchie is Well,I'm hoping to God he's in Hmm-dale What's different Oh,hi,Barb What did you do with all the black people I don't see color,Barb You don't see color because there is no color Now,what did you do with all the black people They got mad when they found out the white women were here for free and they had to pay It's also why the music went to crap This is terrible Well,we can fix it We can just offer free membership to our black clients,too You can't make any money that way Maybe we can charge Asians double Barb,come on,we have to treat everybody the same whether their Asian or black or regular They should just come because it's a good gym Yeah,it is a good gym As long as you wear sandals in the shower And it can stand on its own merits Well,we did it We sure did You know,Barb,maybe the world wasn't ready for an integrated gym Yeah,we were ahead of our time Besides,we've done our share We're part of a biracial,fake,lesbian,sham marriage Let somebody else do something Yeah,you're right We're heroes I'm exhausted I'm going to take a nap I'm going to go to Nordstrom's