The Office (US) s04e03 Episode Script

And the same thing goes for quarterly reports.
They're unreadable.
They're just numbers, and boring, and black.
So what I was thinking is that maybe we should have some sort of graphic.
Like if we have a bad quarter, put in a storm cloud.
And, when we have a good quarter fireworks.
Or a race car.
Doesn't have to be a race car.
Use your imagination.
There's this cube on the screen, and it bounces around all day.
And sometimes it looks like it's heading right into the corner of the screen and at the last minute it hits the wall and bounces away.
We are all just dying to see it go right into the corner.
Pam claims that she saw it one day when she was alone in the conference room.
Okay I believe she thinks she saw it.
I saw it.
I saw it, and it was amazing.
Who said I didn't see it? Did Jim say that? I saw it! We have a lot of colored paper here.
Why, oh, why, do we keep printing this on white? No! Come on! Yeah.
I know.
I know.
It's bland.
- It's never gonna happen.
- Dude, you've gotta believe.
Maybe we could have some sort of riddle - Wait for it.
- Like something that you have to look for Sort of a Where's Waldo? All r- All right.
Let's quit while we're ahead.
- That was so awesome.
- That was awesome.
Thank you.
Some days, I am just on fire.
What can I say? Episode 4x03 "LAUNCH PARTY" Hey, there he is.
Hey, Meredith.
How you feeling? I never thanked you for coming.
Oh, please, it was my pleasure.
Well, we all came, so Well, I real appreciate you coming.
I'm singling you out.
Anyway, I have this sharpie.
And I was wondering if you could sign my cast.
- Can you write where I can read it? - Yep.
I'll read this when I get home.
All right.
Michael, this is the press release I told you about.
Ryan wants you to share it.
Oh, does he? He does.
Okay.
Attention, earthlings.
I have some news.
Today's the big day that I'm heading to New York to attend a party with sushi and important people.
On an unrelated note, if anybody has an interesting anecdote that is not boring and easy to memorize please drop by my office before I leave.
Thank you.
Was that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us? And "Today the Dunder Mifflin Infinity website officially launches.
" Well, the website is the brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan.
It is my brain grandchild.
And, to celebrate its birth, all of the different branches are going to have satellite parties which will be connected via web cams and fibers to the real party, which is going on in New York City at a very exclusive nightclub.
And that is where all of the VIPs, including yours truly, will be partying with new york city's finest.
And I do not mean policemen.
"The company is projecting record high sales "and that by 6:00, the website will be the new best salesman in the company.
" Watch out, Dwight.
That's ridiculous.
I'm not gonna be beaten by a website.
- Actually, it sounds like you are.
- Really? 'Cause Ryan says so? That's from Ryan? Does it mention if he's seeing anybody? No.
I'll find out tonight.
Yes, please let us know.
I can make more sales than a computer.
In fact, I challenge that website to make more sales than me today.
- Waste of time.
- What's tha pipsqueak? Waste of time.
The website's going to win.
- You believe a computer can beat me? - I don't care, but yes.
- I'll prove you wrong.
- I don't care, and you won't.
- You'll see.
- I won't be watching, and I won't.
Dwight mercy killed Angela's cat.
It's very complicated.
It's caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela.
Who were both already prone to unpleasantness.
Stanley, you're dancing.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, I created a website.
Look.
At the end of the day, Apple's apple is flying at 30,000 feet.
This is a paper company.
And I don't want us to get lost in the weeds or into a beauty contest.
I told you I don't want you doing these things.
You can use your own office or do it in the hall.
Convergence, viral marketing.
We're going guerilla.
We take it to the streets while keeping an eye on the stree, Wall Street.
I don't want to reinvent the wheel here.
In other words, it is what it is.
Buying paper just became fun.
And this is where I will record your sales.
Very nice.
And then will say something positive like "kudos" or "job well done.
" Or zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah.
- I can't tell if he's mocking me.
- Just ignore him.
Can't do that.
It's really hard for me to let things go.
I was.
Mocking.
Thank you.
I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
- Yes, like a chime or a bell.
- Or a gong.
Go to my car.
Open the trunk.
Inside, you will see many pelts.
Under the smallest one is a case.
Inside that case is a bear horn.
Bring it to me.
Yes! Isn't 7:00 P.
M.
a little late for a lunch party? Lunch party? It's supposed to say launch party.
What is wrong with you? Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw.
So I googled "how to deal with difficult people," and I got all of this.
So we're gonna try out some new things today.
How do you feel about the fact that the banner says "lunch"? I feel angry.
Angry at you.
Angry at you for doing something stupid.
Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
I'm so sorry to hear that.
That must be awful.
It is awful.
You've made this day awful.
Maybe you could just change the "u" into an "a".
Then it would say "lanch" party, Kevin.
Would it be better if it said "lanch" party? - Lunch party.
- It's supposed to say "launch.
" Easy, booster seat.
Nobody cares about this party anyway.
I care! Plan a party, Angela.
Oh, and the entire world will see it.
Oh! And here's $65 for your budget.
And here are 4 idiots who'll do nothing but weigh you down.
Oh, and your cat's still dead.
- 20 seconds to go time.
- Got it.
Carb up.
Really? Power gel? Hey, you wanna win, you gotta fuel like a winner.
Okay.
We start as soon as I make this shot.
What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight and at the same time not be working? What? - He goes through a breakup.
- I'm aware of that.
But he's also being super-annoying, and I'm not a perfect person.
- You got one! - Three reams! In your face, machines! What kinda prank are you thinking? What if I told you I could offer free shipping? Sure, I'll hold.
Who am I? You tell me.
Not sure.
Just became self-aware.
So much to figure out.
I think I'm programmed to be your enemy.
I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
How do I know this isn't Jim? What is a Jim? It appears that the website has become alive.
This happens to computers and robots sometimes.
Am I scared of a stupid computer? Please! The computer should be scared of me.
I have been salesman of the month for 13 out of the last 12 months.
You heard me right.
I did so well last february that corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Yes, it's too tight.
Way too tight.
- Really? - This is why I'm here? Why is it so tight? It's a european cut.
It just looks bad.
What's hanging? - Setting up the web cam for the party.
- Oh, good.
Okay, cool.
How many pounds I could lose by 7:00? Depends how much you've eaten already today.
I had Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Just one second, we're in a meeting.
I'll see if he's available.
It's Jan.
Why don't you wanna go tonight? What- All your friends will be there.
My friends? Michael, I was terminated.
Just.
- Is it that important to you? - Yeah! - All right.
- Thank you.
Go by yourself.
No- No.
No.
If I go by myself, everybody'll think I'm a big loser.
- Well - I've your permission to invite Carol? - What? Jesus, Michael! - I'm sor- I'm sorry.
It's just the first girl that popped into my head.
I'll find somebody I haven't slept with.
Nice! Website check, please.
You, my friend, are winning handsomely.
Oh, it just made another sale- You, my friend, are in a very close second.
- 402.
- Okay, why don't you just lay off? What you want me to do, not announce it? So, this is the dealio.
God has smiled upon me and given me two tickets to the big party in New York tonight.
What are you doing this evening? Look at that.
They have their own little language now, like twins.
- Sure, we'll go.
- All right.
Fight it out amongst yourselves.
I was thinking Pammy, but boys' night out is also good.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What? - One of the tickets is for him.
- Just let me know who the winner is.
- Not it.
I won.
- Not it.
Nope.
Definitely not.
If anything, it was a tie.
Tie goes to the girlfriend.
No, I realize you normally reorder in november, but what I'm suggesting- You did what? Oh! No! That's exactly what you're not supposed to do, damn it! Why reorder from a computer when you could have the personal touch of a salesman? - How's it going? - Fine.
Good.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- You look a little worried.
- I do not look worried.
You do look worried.
"Here's a suggestion, computer.
"I assume you read binary.
"So why don't you 011-11-011-011?" Um, while you were typing that, I searched every database in existence and learned every fact about everything And mastered the violin.
Oh, and sold more paper.
I asked for assort cutlery, and I got back spoons.
These are worthless.
I want to understand what you're saying, but it's difficult for me when you use that tone.
Phyllis, these are spoons.
Spoons have round tops and are used to scoop things.
What we need are forks which have prongs or tiny spears on top.
And we need knives which have blades.
Do you understand me now? Yes.
Goody.
- Hey.
- What's up? - What's going on? - Paper delivery.
- Oh, yeah? - Kelly ordered this online.
What are you doing? I'm in the fight of my life against this computer, and every sale counts.
But when you put paper in the shopping cart, it says, "Thanks for shopping with Dunder Mifflin.
" Damn it, Kelly, it knows! It knows what you did! - Who knows? - Return it.
Return it now.
Hey How about instead of yelling at our sweet Miss Kapoor over 500 sheets of paper, you get back to your desk and start selling multiple reams, like a man.
You don't understand.
Okay, if this makes the difference, I'm gonna tell it that you were responsible.
Who's "it"? - Here you go.
- Thanks.
You still missing Ryan? Not so much anymore.
I am not a bad person.
When I left Staples, I took some of their leads with me, but I never intended to use them.
What did intend to do with them? Who knows? Maybe keep them as a souvenir.
Maybe use them.
Yes, Mr.
Galliatto, how would you like to pay 10% less for paper than you're paying right now? It's not important how I got your information.
What is important is that you say yes.
- Good.
- All right.
I'm ready to go, and I'm calling shotgun.
- I'm driving? - Yes, thank you.
Let me just say good-bye to Pam.
Oh, yeah, you better.
You better say good-bye to Pam.
Say good-bye to Pam.
Good-Bye.
I love you.
I love you- Okay.
I'm leaving inside Jim's car I don't know when I'll be back again Yes, I do Tomorrow I'll be back I'll be back tomorrow So you know what? Why don't you guys take off a little bit early tonight? Because there's a party.
A party for the web site I've been planning for two weeks.
If you are not this tall, you may not ride the roller coaster.
- See you tomorrow.
- Perfect.
So let me just get some basic information from you.
Oh.
I didn't realize we could use the leads we stole from Staples.
I'm sorry, so sorry.
Yes, could you repeat that? Yes! Ten reams for the U.
S.
district court! Did I mention the 40 reams for the battered women's shelter? No! Stop it! Give me that! Give it! - Did you see the board? - There's still an hour.
You ever read this? Yep.
A long time ago, but I liked it.
I got it for Ryan.
I wanted to get him "Oh, the places you'll go," but they were sold out.
It's the same sort of stuff in here.
It's not, but it's a good book.
What was that? Leaving Pennsylvania.
Two kisses.
- One for me, one for Jan.
- Gotcha.
You should come for dinner.
You and Pam, that'd be fun.
- That would be fun.
- Wanna come over friday? - I can't.
- After work, you guys- Oh, no, because- Let me know when we're close.
Yes.
Actually, I will tell you right now.
It's a club called chat room, and there's a password to get in.
Which is actually "password," so Okay.
What are you doing? That is an invitation to an online party.
No.
I'm sure that's not- Are there three "Ws" at the beginning of the address? - Yes.
- Yep.
Well, the invitation says "VIPs only.
" Is this how you treat your VIPs, Ryan? We're already in the city.
The main part with the buildings.
What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do tonight? And if you tell me that I have to drive back to Scranton to the satellite party, I am going to throw up.
Okay, I'm going to throw up.
I'm throwing up.
You're making me throw up, Ryan.
You know that is is like? I will tell you.
This is like when the freshmen would throw a party, and wouldn't let any of the seniors go.
Doesn't it piss you off sometimes that little twerp got the promotion over us? Oh, actually I withdrew from consideration.
Yeah, I withdrew too.
Four, three, two, one! Yes! After numerous projections that the computer would crush all salesmen in its path, I am very happy to report that our very own Dwight Schrute has crushed his electronic nemesis, if you will, by a whopping 52 - reams! - Reams! Say it again- Announcing it.
- 52 reams! - No, no, the first part.
Dwight has defeated the computer! Hey.
So What do you think? I did it for you.
I didn't ask you to do it for me.
You didn't have to.
How do you tell someone it's over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well, what if the recipient is your notary? - Hello, Pam.
- Hello.
Hey, do you have any men that you can fix me up with? I would like to have a relationship with a man.
I'll get back to you.
Let me know.
You beat me.
You are the superior being.
All right, who wants to party? - Why aren't you in New York? - Oh-ho, what?! Oh, I think I faked Oscar out.
You said you weren't coming back and we could leave early.
I think I faked Stanley out too.
Who else thought that I was leaving, and that he could go home early? Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
Well, who needs New York? Right? We can have a killer party right here in Scranton.
Thank you.
No, no.
It's gonna be nothing like the party you've been planning.
This is going to be good.
And everybody's gonna come.
What's wrong with Dwight? - He beat the computer.
- Oh, hey, good for you.
Good for you.
Scranton power! You know what? Angela, I'd like you to come into my office in ten minutes.
Bring something to write with, and to write on.
Good.
It was a pretty disappointing day.
It was kind of a slap in the face.
To realize that I wasn't as important as I thought I was to a certain young executive Who I'd cared about.
But you know, I'm not gonna cry over it.
I did that in the car on the way home.
- How we doing on time? - The party starts in an hour.
Good, these are some things that I would like to have happen.
"Beer, light beer, streamers, orchids, better lighting, something made of ice.
" It's just things.
This is how I want it to feel.
"Pizza with mushrooms, pizza without mushrooms, white pi- " I would like this party to be sexier, cooler, more important- "Chocolates, someone famous, cool music, confetti, go-go dancers"? I want it to embarrass all other parties.
I want it to be a party that the guys in New York watch on the web cam and say, "How did they get Al Roker to come?" - I can't do this.
- Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
I know you can.
I wouldn't say that if I didn't 100% believe it.
Who else could do this? - Okay.
Okay.
- No, seriously.
Anyone else could do it better? Because we don't have a lot of time.
I'll get the pizza.
What do you think of Angela? I think she's efficient.
No, not like that.
As a woman.
W- O-M-A-N I hadn't noticed.
You hadn't noticed she's a woman? I hear she's single and ready to mingle.
I'm thinking about making a play for her.
What do you think? Crazy, right? I think it's inappropriate to date someone you work with.
- Isn't that part of the fun? - No.
I think you should date Kelly.
She works here too.
How is that any different? She works in the annex.
You're also welcome to date Toby.
Okay.
- Good news.
- We get to go home? Guess who just ordered from your favorite pizza place, Alfredo? Wait Alfredo's pizza cafe Or pizza by Alfredo? - Same thing.
- No.
I don't understand when you all talk at the same time! Oscar, talk to him.
Michael, there's a very big difference between these two pizza places.
Both in quality of ingredients and in overall taste.
Which one did you order from? Pizza by Alfredo.
All right, you know what? Okay, okay.
What is better, a medium amount of good pizza, or all you can eat of pretty good pizza? A medium amount of good pizza.
Oh, no, it's bad.
It's real bad.
It's like eating a hot circle of garbage.
You can pick one of these things.
It's unreasonable for you to ask me to do all of this.
It should take you no time if you put the care into it that you normally do.
That seemed to shut her up.
You looking for dinner and a movie? You're not gonna find it in that box.
It just so happens I know where you can find it, but again Not in the box.
Angela, are you hearing words that I'm saying? What? Hello.
I worked on a party for 3 weeks that just got thrown out the window.
So now I've to organize a whole new party.
And my useless number two quit, so now there's no one in charge of orchids, chocolates, or the ice made thing.
And my upper back itched all day, and I can't reach it.
And Kevin had greek food for lunch again.
They say you should never mix business with pleasure.
Really? Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.
- Yep.
- The Pizza by Alfredo guy is here.
- You don't have to say it like that.
- I said it normal.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, $63.
50, and that's not including tip.
Right, I've a coupon, so half of $63.
50, and half the tip on $63.
50 Half-off coupons only apply to orders of two pizzas.
No, I told them on phone I was ordering eight pizzas.
I don't care what you told them on the phone.
That's our policy.
You didn't think that I was gonna spend 60 bucks on pizza? It's not pizza.
It doesn't say it anywhere on the coupon, and if it's your policy, it should say it on the coupon.
What do you mean? - Not my problem.
- It is your problem.
That's no way to do business, okay? I ordered eight pizzas with a half-off coupon, so I would like eight pizzas for half off, end of story.
Great story.
- $63.
50, and that's not including tip.
- I'm not giving that to you.
Then, you're not getting your pizzas.
No, no, you're not- You are not going anywhere.
You're going to stay here until we figure this out.
- What? - You know what? This young man needs to learn that that's not how you treat people.
I don't care if it's pizza.
Good business is about respect and accountability and follow-through.
You don't just make promises and pull the rug out from under somebody, do you? Dwight, please escort this young man into the conference room.
Right now.
- I'm not going in there.
- Yeah, you are.
And you'll come out when you decide to give me a discount.
Please.
Thank you.
This is stupid.
No, you don't even know what stupid is! It's about to get all stupid up in here! You find anything? We think it's a straight forward kidnapping.
Stanley, could you look up "accomplices?" Why can't you guys do it? Because we're looking up "jail time.
" Fine.
I've seen this kid, he sneaks onto my farm and steals my hemp.
Yeah, I know that guy.
He's that farmer that grows really crappy weed.
- You ready to give me my discount now? - No.
What have you done in here this whole time? - What kind of business is this? - A paper company.
The best paper company in the whole wide world! Dwight, knock it off.
You'd better think about what you're doing.
Think about what you're doing.
No.
I'm an adult.
I don't have to think or do anything.
You're a kid.
You're a little snot-nose punk kid who thinks he's better than everybody else.
Because he's some hotshot.
And you don't know anything about sales.
So stop being a disrespectful little jerk, okay? - Sales? - Yeah, sales.
You sell pizza.
- That's called sales.
- You're such a loser.
- What did you call him? - A loser.
- What did you say?! - A loser.
Okay, stop it.
Stop it! Stop getting him to say it! - You just made this worse.
A lot worse.
- I can make him talk.
We are accomplices.
Stop talking all at once! - You need to let him go.
- Let go of little jerk boy? Before he has learned his lesson? - Yes.
- You know what, Jim? World would be a better place if people were held accountable for their actions.
Yes, but not by kidnapping them.
I'm not kidnapping him.
I'm keeping him until I get what I want.
As a hostage.
- You over-think it.
- You under-think it.
Yes, is Alfredo there? May I speak to manager then? Okay, could you tell the manager that I am keeping his delivery kid until I get my discount on the eight pizzas I ordered? Yes, I know it is not on the coupon.
Also, I would like him to throw in two- three pizzas just for our - Ransom.
- trouble.
Okay.
All right.
- What'd he say? - He said no.
- So we should let him go.
- No, no.
Listen up, kid.
I don't like you, but because some town in Switzerland says so, you have rights.
I have to hang these.
Why are you looking at her like that? Hey! What's going on? Michael called the pizza place with demands.
Mr.
Overdramatic.
What's up, Kev? We're getting hungry out there.
We're all accomplices now anyway, so we figured we might as well eat.
We would like to order some good pizza from Alfredo's pizza cafe while we wait for the hostage situation with the bad pizza to end.
I needed another hour.
It could have been done in another hour.
I think it looks good.
That's why you're not in charge, Meredith.
Here you are, my dear.
One thing made of ice.
How did you Where- Where did you It's just ice.
It'll melt all over the floor.
- Will you help me put it over there? - Yes, I will.
Excuse me.
I stole it.
Thank god.
Ryan wants to introduce the branch managers in a few minutes.
You just have to wave and introduce yourself.
I'll just wave and introduce myself.
- Quick question.
- Yeah.
If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof? - I'm all over it.
- Okay.
What do we got here? - Good pizza.
- Yeah? - Cheese, or do we have other flavors? - Different stuff.
Which one's this? Perfect.
Do you remember what you said to me on my first day at work, just before you walked me over to my desk? "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time "before you met your desk-mate Dwight.
" And that's when I knew.
You? You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, "and there's no reason for me to know this, "but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired.
" That was the moment that you knew you liked me? Yep.
- Can we make it a different moment? - Nope.
Can I start talking? Is this thing on? Give me a signal when you want me to start.
And now, from my old hometown, Scranton, Pennsylvania, my former boss, Michael Scott.
I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer.
So take that, asshole.
Always a jokester.
How about that image? Crystal clear.
If anyone out there is listening, I'm being held here against my will.
I'm a minor.
What are you doing? You said your upper back itched.
- I didn't ask you to scratch it.
- Angela, I know this is weird because we work together, and because up until and possibly including now, I've repulsed you.
- But I like you.
- I'm not dating you.
So Angela is stubborn as a mule.
She's giving off fairly strong vibes that she's not interested.
But do I like her or not? Because if I like her, then I can't back down.
If you're going number one, you've got ten more seconds! Hey, have you seen Jim? I guess he wanted get out of here before the cops find out.
What are you doing? Scaring him.
The trick is to make him think you're gonna do something to him.
- I can hear you, man.
- Shut up! Or I punch you in the throat! Stop it! Stop it! No.
God.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
I kidnapped a kid.
You had to.
What other choice did you have? I've gotta pay for the pizza.
Well Yeah.
Oh, my god.
- This is Michael.
- Hello, Michael, this is Ryan.
- First off, thanks for the shout-out.
- You're breaking up.
I can't hear you.
Why's there a kid on your web cam saying that he's being held against his I want you to go in there and pay him for the pizzas, and give him a generous tip.
No more than 10%.
- What will you do? - I will open the door.
- Yeah? - And hopefully, he will walk out.
And the rest is out of our hands.
So I'm paying full price? Yes.
Here we go.
$65.
You know what? Here's two more.
See ya.
Drive safely.
Okay.
Now what? Now we wait and hope that nothing happens.
All right.
I assume I'm going to be reimbursed? Not now, Dwight, please.
Not the time.
A toast.
Better make it good.
To avoiding a class 2 felony charge.
Hello? Hey.
Hang on a second.
Hello? Hang on.
If you change your mind I'll be first in line Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me If you need me let me know Gonna be around If you got no place to go If you're feeling down If you're all alone When the pretty birds have flown Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me Gonna do my very best And that ain't no lie If you put me to the test If you let me try Take a chance on me That's all I ask of you, Angela.
- Hey, how'd it go? - Yeah, what'd she say? I don't know yet.
I've to call you back.
- You gotta give us- - I'll call you back! I have to go clean up after the party.
What a horrible day.
Well, I need to get the horrible taste of this pizza out of my mouth.
I'd really like some sushi.
I was hoping that I would have New York-style sushi today.
And you know what? - What? - I'm gonna get it.
Cooper says calamari.
There's only one place to get New York-style sushi.
- Tokyo? - New York.
You wanna go? - Yes! - All right, you drive.
Okay! - Nice! - Here we go.
I'm sorry- You guys are gonna have to leave.
Hey, you know what? Come on.
Come on.
Let's go! Hey, you're the Scranton guy.
- Guilty.
- I liked your statement tonight.
Okay.
Thanks.
This is the guy that beat the computer.
Oh, very cool.
It was funny to see Ryan all embarrassed by that.
Yeah.
See you later.
Later on.
I'm Ryan, and tonight didn't go the way that I thought it would.
Because it didn't work out for me.
I'm very embarrassed.
I have egg all over my face.
And I'm 12 years old.
I spent so much time in Scranton, but I never sold any paper.
I never sold any paper, because I'm an idiot.
I started a fire with my cheese peeler.
And dated an indian girl.
I started a fire.
Now I got a beard.
And I have new shoes and I'm your boss.
I'm hot.
I'm so hot.
- That- That's why everybody- - I don't get- I don't understand that.
That's part of it.
It's just Wanna head back? Yeah, let's go.