The Ranch (2016) s04e03 Episode Script

1 All right.
It's actually a pretty easy process.
Right.
We're gonna attach the semen straw to the wand, then we're gonna insert this into the cow at a 45-degree angle.
Got it.
We're gonna put the junk in the trunk.
Now this part gets a little tactical, so try to stay with me.
Okay, I'm with you.
All right.
You are gonna go shoulder deep in that cow's ass and pull out an armful of shit.
Okay, I'm out.
Is this, like, a hazing thing 'cause I'm the new guy? 'Cause back in Iraq, everyone was supposed to do it, but when the lights came on, I was the only one chugging camel urine.
You know what? I'll do it.
Just grab me some sperm outta that thermos.
Err Wait.
This is not coffee.
[COWS MOOING.]
Colt, I think I might be pregnant.
[COW MOOS ANGRILY.]
What the fuck, man? I told you to latch the gate.
I thought I did.
Yeah.
Well, obviously you didn't.
That cow coulda kicked me in the face.
This ranching don't work out, that's my backup plan.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm still learning.
I thought Farmville would prep me for this but it just hasn't.
Know what? This is gonna be quicker if I do it myself.
I was joking.
I wanna help.
I know, but I got a lotta shit to do, and I ain't got a lotta time.
Why don't you go ride some fence? All right.
I'll go ride fence.
Err Quick question.
What is "riding fence"? [COW MOOS.]
You ride along the fence, makin' sure there's no holes for the cows to get out.
And don't fuck around either 'cause I can see you on every part of this ranch.
Wait.
How? I dunno.
It's something my dad used to say and I believed him.
So you should, too.
Cowboys ain't easy to love And they're harder to hold They'd rather give you a song Than diamonds or gold Lone star belt buckles And old faded Levi's And each night begins a new day You don't understand him And he don't die young He'll probably just ride away Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys Don't let 'em pick guitars And drive them old trucks Let 'em be doctors And lawyers and such Mamas don't let your babies Grow up to be cowboys [ENGINE APPROACHING.]
[MARY.]
Hey.
What you doing here? I I want to apologize for the other night.
I was stressed but there was no reason for me to yell at you like that.
And I did take a pill for a headache, but That didn't work, so I took another one.
And another one, and 'fore you know it, I was at CVS, asking the pharmacist what they do with pills that fall on the floor.
Look, it's your life.
You can do whatever you want.
No, you were right to call me out.
Here.
This is every pill that was in that house.
Even the stuff we gave the dog when there was lightning.
Well, this is great.
Except you said this before, and then the next day you were so high you thought a Filet-o-Fish sounded good.
Yeah, I know.
But this time is different.
I went to an NA meeting this morning.
Really? It's a big step.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
Supposed to be anonymous.
So, if we're driving around town, I'll just elbow you and point out the junkies.
- You wanna come in? - Yeah.
Oh.
Maybe point out the relapsers, then I don't have to flush these, we could sell them.
[MARY LAUGHS.]
There is one other thing.
I hate that I even have to ask, so don't worry about saying no if you can't.
Yeah, all right.
Let's do it.
How many orgasms would you like, milady? Well, three, but I was gonna ask for something you can actually help with.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so half of one? So, what do you need? Err I'm way behind on my mortgage.
If I don't make a payment by Friday, the bank's gonna evict us.
Apparently my last two checks in the amount of "fuck you" did not go through.
Well, I'd love to help, but I gave most of my money to Colt for the ranch.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I mean, I shouldn't have even asked.
It's just my kids and my grandkids live there.
You know? I've been applying for all kinds of jobs and nothing has come through.
Anyway, it's not your problem.
[MARY SIGHS.]
No, I can probably scrape together a thousand bucks.
Let me see what I can do.
Thank you so much.
And no pressure.
I mean, if you can't do it We're totally good.
Well, I don't want you guys to be homeless.
Although, with two grandkids, you could really clean up at an off-ramp.
[MARY CHUCKLES.]
Should I get you a bottle, too? Oh! Shit.
[SCOFFS.]
I know you're joking, but I could use a Bud.
I just made this for Peyton.
I don't know what it is about a tiny mirror, but, man, it is very slimming.
This is pretty good craftsmanship.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I'm glad she's finally got a toy that's not made in China.
I saw that Neumann's Hill bull's back on my land.
Yeah.
He took care of five of my heifers, headed back like nothing happened.
It's like when you leave a tag on a nice shirt.
Marshalls don't need to know I wore it for my Instagram story.
What you gonna do with the rest of your herd? Well, with the money Luke's throwing in, we're gonna artificially inseminate them Well, I am.
He's useless.
So, you taught him everything you know.
Yeah, I got eight more to do by myself in the next two days.
What if I was your ranch hand? [COLT SNORTS.]
Ah! [LAUGHING MANICALLY.]
I got dip in my nose.
[STILL LAUGHING.]
Ooh! It's minty.
Oh! It's too minty.
[NOSE-BLOWING.]
Too minty! Look, I appreciate the offer, but ain't no way you're taking orders from me.
Hell, you can't even follow directions on the back of a TV dinner.
Look, I can either take the plastic off or leave it on, but I'm not venting a hole for the fucking cobbler.
I promise I'll just be an extra set of hands.
Ain't you got your own ranch to run? Neumann's Hill's pretty much taking care of everything.
Last week, the only thing they asked me to do was watch a video on sexual harassment.
What do they think I'm gonna do with the fucking cows? [CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
[DOOR CREAKS.]
[BEAU.]
Hey, Abby.
- Hey, Mr.
Bennett.
- [COLT.]
Hey! We start at 7 a.
m.
, and we got a strict no-facial-hair policy.
You want this mustache? Come and get it.
What was that about? Old man's gonna work for me.
Oh! Well, that's cool.
Unrelated question: Can we up your life insurance? [COLT CHUCKLES.]
Did I get my paycheck? Oh.
Yeah.
Actually You know - It's right over here.
- Great.
Oh.
Whoa! - What? - That's my Sephora coupon.
Look.
They addressed it to Mrs.
Colt Bennett.
Must've been a typo.
Where's Peyton? Sleeping in the car? No.
Actually, she was cranky all day.
I finally got her to sleep, so I left her with my mom.
Okay.
So, I just don't get to see Peyton today? - [SIGHS.]
- Okay.
[BLOWS.]
All right.
This ain't working for me.
Okay? First, you move into your parents' house.
Then you move into a new apartment, with your new job, and I I never get an overnight.
'Cause I'm still breastfeeding.
I'm not ready for that.
Okay.
Well, I'm barely getting to see my daughter.
Yeah.
No, you're right.
I promise we'll figure something out.
I'll make a schedule.
[COLT.]
Okay.
It's like when we had that one copy of the Jeff Foxworthy CD.
You know, we found a way to share it.
In fact, we even came up with our own joke.
"You might be a redneck if you're sharing a Jeff Foxworthy CD.
" - I'm gonna see her tomorrow? - Yes, I promise.
- [COLT.]
All right.
- School finishes at 3:30.
I'll be back here at 4:30 at the latest.
Good.
I wanna show her this.
- Oh! Colt, this is so cute! - Mm-hmm.
Aw! Ooh - Mama looks good.
- I know.
It's like a photo shoot.
Oh! Hold on! I'll get my nice shirt and we'll do an Instagram story.
[ABBY.]
Okay.
[BIRDS TWITTERING.]
Hey.
Where are you coming from? I just took a morning walk to clear my head.
It was so beautiful.
Then a guy in a Prius with a Coexist bumper sticker drove by and waved at me, fucking ruin everything.
Shouldn't you be out working with Colt? Yep.
I'm late.
- [CAR APPROACHES.]
- It's called payback.
- [COW MOOS.]
- [DALE.]
Hey! [JOANNE.]
Hey, Dale.
Good to see ya.
Disagree.
I see more of you now than when you were my vet.
What is it today? Another picture of you and me photoshopped onto Starsky and Hutch? Glenn from the feed store passed away.
Oh, my God! What? I bet you feel like a real asshole now, don't you? I was just in there the other day.
Do you know how it happened? Yeah.
Heart attack.
Right in aisle three.
Fell into a bucket of rakes.
Rakes are on aisle four.
Well, then he died on fucking aisle four! I can't believe he's gone.
He and I went to high school together.
You know, I think he moved those rakes last summer to aisle five.
Yeah, he was one of the good ones.
Seem like everybody we know is dying.
I'm like Iron Man at the end of Infinity War.
How in the hell are they gonna beat Thanos? You know, Glenn was talking about selling the feed store next year.
He'd been saving his whole life to buy a cabin in Montana and retire.
Jesus! Yeah.
That's all he ever talked about.
That and betting on the Broncos, which is probably why it took so long to save for that cabin.
[JOANNE CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, you can't wait on your dreams.
Charlene and I just finished our bucket list.
We visited every state in the Union.
You know, I've lived in Colorado all my life, and I've never been skiing? The only good kind of skiing is the kind where you stop and shoot things.
Well, this winter, I'm going.
I'm gonna get a new outfit.
Sit by the fire and drink hot toddies.
Wait a minute, fuck skiing.
Maybe my bucket list is just looking good and getting drunk.
[ALL CHUCKLE.]
How about you, Beau? What's your "cabin in Montana"? I never really thought about it.
I mostly have things I don't want to do before I die.
I don't wanna experience anything in IMAX.
[COW MOOS.]
I don't want my water sparkling.
And I don't want to take Flonase.
I don't know what that is, but I don't want it.
That's kinda depressing.
Everybody ought to have something they look forward to doing.
Hey.
Maybe we could rent an RV and take a road trip down to Oklahoma.
Just thought of something else I don't wanna do.
- [BEAU.]
Hey.
- You're late.
[BEAU.]
Yeah.
I went to this bitching party last night.
Got fucking hammered.
I puked on my alarm clock.
Must've shorted it out.
Sorry, dude.
I believe that could actually happen to someone.
[CHUCKLES.]
I appreciate your honesty.
Where's Luke? I got him out disking up the field.
Don't worry.
I told him to honk if he sees a tunnel cougar.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You told him about tunnel cougars? I just used that to mess with you and Rooster when you were kids.
[VEHICLE HONKS.]
There he is now.
- Can't believe he fell for that.
[LAUGHS.]
- I know.
What an idiot, right? He don't know that tunnel cougars only come out at night.
You got a good heart, son.
So, what can I do for you, boss? All right.
We gotta inseminate these two.
We got six more lined up after that.
So I need you to get your ass over there and sterilize that equipment.
And it better be spotless.
It will be.
I take great pride in my work.
Okay.
It's not fun when you wanna do it.
Your cow is breathing heavy.
Yeah.
I saw it.
I think she just ate some rocks or dirt, probably stuck in her stomach.
You know, cows are so dumb.
I ate a rock once but that was for a quarter.
I don't think so.
Looks like an allergic reaction.
Gotta give her a shot of epinephrine.
No.
She just ate something.
I know my herd.
If you don't give her a shot, she'll be dead by tonight.
I'm not gonna waste a shot of epinephrine on a cow that don't need it.
It'll knock her outta heat.
I won't be able to breed her for another month.
You won't breed her at all - if she's dead.
- Dad! It's my ranch.
It's my call.
Believe it or not, I know what I'm doing.
[VEHICLE HONKS.]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Hey! Thanks for meeting me.
Yeah.
What's the emergency? They set up a DUI checkpoint, now you're trapped here? Um Is that true? I'll take some water.
Look, this is a little awkward Oh, God! Are you gonna ask me out? Every stepdad does this.
No, your mom asked to borrow some money.
[HEATHER SIGHS.]
Jesus! Said you're having trouble with the mortgage.
That true? No trouble.
We just haven't paid it in six months.
I'm sorry.
- She shouldn't have asked you.
- No.
I like your mom.
I wanna help you guys.
That's nice of you, but this isn't your problem.
I want to.
I just don't think she should be trusted with this.
You should take it now, 'cause there's a strip club and a Dave & Buster's on my ride home, and I'm only human.
Just make sure it goes to the mortgage.
Thank you.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Know what? A lap dance and a game of Whac-A-Mole is not gonna kill anyone.
- [COLT.]
Hi.
- Hey.
- Thanks for helping me out today.
- Sure.
How about tomorrow you try not to be late? Oh, I can't make any promises.
I'm trying out a new conditioner.
And if it doesn't give me enough bounce and shine I'm gonna have to spend a little extra time with the diffuser.
Once again, that's a perfectly valid excuse.
Let me know if the diffuser doesn't work 'cause I got a hot-oil treatment that's to die for.
[DALE LAUGHING.]
Beau Bennett, ranch hand.
I never thought you could teach an old dog new tricks.
However, I did just teach my German Shepherd to turn on my Netflix.
Poor dog.
Each year he spends with you feels like seven for him.
I just checked out your sick heifer.
Her eyes are still a little puffy but the worst of her allergic reaction's cleared up.
Otherwise, we'd have to ship her out and make her chicken fried steak.
Back up.
You said, "allergic reaction"? Err Well, why are you so surprised? You musta given her epinephrine.
After I told you I didn't wanna give her a shot, you went ahead and did it anyway.
That heifer was gonna die.
Are you so goddamn hard-headed, you'd rather have a dead cow than be wrong? I did what I had to do.
No, you did whatever the hell you wanted to do.
'Cause you don't give a shit about anyone else.
I knew bringing you on here was a mistake.
One in a line of many.
Look, fellas, why don't we go down to Charlie's [BOTH.]
Shut the fuck up, Dale! Hey! How you doing? Great.
Yeah.
I'm just spending quality time with my daughter that I love and miss.
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY.]
Oh, wait.
No, I'm not.
'Cause a couple of hours ago, Abby sent me a text saying, "Running late.
I'm covering detention.
Sorry.
" When I texted, "How much longer?", she sent me an emoji of a girl shrugging.
"Hey, Peyton, where was your father your entire childhood?" I know it sucks, but Peyton is lucky to have a dad who wants to be with her.
My ex wanted to be with young women, but none of them were his daughter.
Heard you got into it with your dad today.
Oh, yeah.
Tell you he went behind my back, did the exact opposite of what I told him to do 'cause he's an asshole? Well, he didn't exactly put it like that, but the word "asshole" was in there.
He just thinks he knows better than everyone about everything.
Yeah? Where did you get that idea? Is it 'cause he has that pillow that says "My way or the wrong way"? I'm so tired of fucking fighting with him all the time.
Well, let me ask you something.
Are you glad that cow's alive? Yeah, of course.
And if Dale had told you to give the cow a shot, instead of your dad, would you have done it? I don't know.
Maybe.
Your dad has a lifetime of ranching experience.
He doesn't always go about it the right way, but I think he really wants to help.
Yeah.
It wasn't just a shot.
I mean he sterilized the equipment twice.
He only had to do it once.
It's just fucking weird.
[DOOR SQUEAKS.]
- [ABBY.]
Oh! Hey! - [JOANNE.]
Evening, Abby.
Yeah.
Evening, Abby.
- [PEYTON GURGLES.]
- Hey, peapod.
Hi.
Listen, Momma's gonna talk to Papa for a bit, okay? So you can hang out with Grandma Granny Auntie What we calling you? Uh.
I dunno.
I wanna let her decide.
Just so long as it's not what your dad calls you.
Am I wrong, or did we agree on 4:30? I know.
I'm sorry.
I had to take over detention, okay? Ms.
Lowell called in sick the same day Martin Truex is at a Bass Pro Shop in Denver.
"We all wanna get our boobs signed, Amy, but someone's gotta teach these little shits.
" We literally talked about this yesterday.
I'm not getting enough time with Peyton.
And you promised.
And then on the first day, you're fucking two hours late? Okay, whoa! I said that I was sorry, all right? It's my job.
I'm new at the school, they asked me to do it.
I didn't feel I could say no.
Yeah, I got a job, too.
I got a bunch of shit over at the ranch.
I coulda spent the last two hours doing that.
Or I coulda went and seen Martin Truex.
Sounds like if I'd done that, I might've seen Amy's boobs! I'm sorry things didn't work out the way we planned.
Yeah.
You know what? I don't wanna hear it.
When it comes to spending time with my daughter, "sorry" is not good enough.
Okay, I'm trying my best.
You don't have to be an asshole.
[LAUGHS MANICALLY.]
There you go.
Once again, it's my fault.
Right? - Well - You know what? I don't even care.
You already cost me two hours with her.
I ain't gonna waste any more.
So, you're just gonna walk away, that's it? [EXHALES.]
Holy shit! McRib jackpot! Rooster, I wish I could've met you.
Much like the McRib, you were here for a limited time only.
[DOOR KNOCKS.]
Err Come in.
Hey.
Hey, Heather.
What's up? I'd offer you something to eat but I don't have anything.
I don't mean to bother you.
I gotta talk to you about something and I don't have your number.
Oh, boy.
You're about to ask me out.
Every stepdaughter does this.
No.
[SIGHS.]
I deposited that money you gave me and before I had a chance to write the mortgage check my mom drained the account.
Shit.
Where is she? [SIGHS.]
I have no idea.
Hmm.
[MAN SPEAKING FROM TV.]
- Hi.
- Hey.
Watching Anderson Cooper? Yeah.
Real world's so depressing, I wanted to see a little fiction.
One silver fox to the next.
Can you talk? I can.
I prefer not to.
[TV CLICKS OFF.]
About the other day I was wrong.
You saved my heifer.
All I should've said was thank you.
I'm the one that was wrong.
I hired on to help you.
I should've supported your decision.
Instead, I second-guessed ya.
I shoulda just listened to you.
I I got all caught up in the fact you were telling me what to do on my ranch, it just turned me into a stubborn asshole.
You come by that honestly.
I think I'm in over my head, Dad.
What are you talking about? I failed at football.
I'm failing in my marriage.
Maybe this ranch is just one more thing I'm failing at.
Colt, you made one mistake.
No.
That's not true.
Ever since I got the ranch, all I made is one bad decision after another.
Timed the market wrong, didn't sell any cattle.
Bought a worthless bull and the only reason I bought it, it had a circle around its eye like the dog in the Target commercial.
If I'd just listened to you, in the first place, I never woulda bought that stupid ranch.
Colt every mistake you've made, I've made.
And then some.
I sold off heifers I shoulda kept.
Had bulls die on my watch.
I hired fucking Dale.
If you don't think you know what you're doing, join the damn club.
You kept Iron River running for 50 years.
If I make it through the winter, it'd be a fucking miracle.
[SIGHS.]
What you been through this first year would take down almost any rancher.
But you kept it afloat.
And you did that by yourself.
Hell, I almost went under four times, and I had you and Rooster.
[SCOFFS.]
Sure that ain't the reason you almost went under? Now, that's definitely a theory.
Things are gonna be okay, Colt.
You'll have easier years than this.
You're a good rancher, Colt.
Sure don't feel like it.
I thought you said you were gonna start respecting my fucking opinion.
If I say you're a good rancher, you're a good rancher.
Thank you.
And in the meantime, if you ever need anything, I'm right down the road.
Bullshit! We start at 5:00 a.
m.
Jesus! That's early.
Best to just push on through and drink all night.
[COLT CHUCKLES.]
You know I think I like you better when you're pretending to be me.
[CAR DOOR OPENS.]
By the way back off on the diffuser.
[CAR DOOR SHUTS.]
Is that Ab? Hey.
What's going on? - [ABBY.]
Well - [PEYTON GURGLES.]
I wanted to give you your picture back.
No.
It's This is for Peyton.
Since I don't get to see her, I don't want her to forget Goddamn! Look at me.
It's like every time I think I've peaked, camera says otherwise.
She's not gonna need it 'cause you're gonna see her every day, starting right now with an overnight.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
I thought you said you weren't ready.
- What about breastfeeding? - [ABBY SIGHS.]
It's important that we both get equal time with her, so I pumped enough milk to get her through breakfast.
And before you ask, no, I didn't pump extra, so you can't use it in your Cocoa Puffs.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'll be back in the morning.
[PEYTON GURGLES.]
You sure? Absolutely! Honestly, I mean Hey You'll be doing me a favor.
Thank you.
[CHUCKLING.]
She has been a monster lately.
[GASPS.]
[BABY VOICE.]
I didn't mean that.
No.
You're Mommy's little angel.
I love you.
Good luck with this freak.
You've no idea how much this means to me.
I know.
I'm pretty great.
[LAUGHS.]
Well, I guess I should let you get started on daddy-daughter time.
[MAKES BABY NOISES.]
She's gonna be okay.
I'm gonna take real good care of her.
I know.
That's why I'm giving her to you right now.
Maybe you should take her from me.
- Yeah.
Let's - Okay.
- All right.
Come here.
- There you go.
Come here, Smooch.
- [ABBY SIGHS.]
- [SOFTLY.]
Hi.
I'll be back in the morning.
See you.
Hi.
Ab.
Thank you.
You're a great dad, Colt.
If she says Dada before Mama, I will kill you.
[PEYTON CRIES.]
[CAR ENGINE STARTS.]
- [PEYTON CRIES LOUDER.]
- [COMFORTS PEYTON.]
[PEYTON SCREAMS.]
Hey, Ab! Come back! [JOANNE CHUCKLES.]
I must've fallen asleep.
Why didn't you wake me? Are you kidding? You and the dog had passed out on the bed together.
Spooning.
Drake was the big spoon.
I took pictures.
[GASPS.]
Aww! - [BEAU CHUCKLES.]
- Show me.
I will, once I get them developed.
[JOANNE LAUGHS.]
[JOANNE SIGHS.]
It was a nice service.
It was.
Until Dale somehow dropped his fucking cell phone into the casket.
And then he couldn't find it, we had to call it.
Why does his ringtone have to be "I Will Survive"? [BEAU CHUCKLES.]
[BIRD HOOTING.]
You know, all this about Glenn has got me thinking about what my cabin in Montana would look like.
Hmm.
Let me guess.
Playing catch with John Elway in the Reagan Library.
All right, maybe I'll have two cabins in Montana.
Did you know you always fall asleep with your glasses on? - I do not.
- You do.
I take them off almost every night when we're in there watching TV.
I put them on one time.
I could read the VIN numbers on my truck from the kitchen table.
[JOANNE LAUGHS.]
I probably fall asleep cause you make me watch boring John Wayne movies.
Why is he the only one with a good aim? 'Cause he's The Duke! You also bite your lip when you're doing a crossword puzzle.
And you set the table with all the utensils, even though we're just ordering a pizza.
And you take all my pencils to put in your hair, and I never see 'em again.
It's like the Bermuda Triangle.
Well, you rub the side of your face when you're thinking hard.
What are we doing here? I'm talking about my cabin in Montana.
I stayed up all night thinking about it.
I thought about a thousand things.
But none of them appealed to me.
But you know what I realized? Every one of those things that I thought about, you were right there with me.
[VOICE CRACKS.]
So, I guess what I'm saying, is you are my cabin in Montana.
Oh, Beau.
Joanne Will you marry me? ["THE RAMBLER" PLAYING.]
A little older and younger Than you ought to be Seen too much, not as much As you thought you'd see Some men see a hill And feel like they just gotta be On the other side The devil taught him to ride