The Simple Life (2003) s04e03 Episode Script

NARRA TOR: It's another beautiful day in Beverly Hills.
Did you leave anything that could be stolen in the car? Probably.
NARRA TOR: Perfect setting for an intimate mother-daughter lunch for Paris Hilton and her mom, Kathy.
So you and Dad have been together since you were teenagers, basically.
-How old were you when you guys met? -Fifteen, and Dad was 20.
Illegal.
(EXCLAlMS) (CHUCKLlNG) Jailbait.
But we have to think about it.
-He had so many girls after him.
-So how did you get him? By not being hungry, not being desperate.
You always taught me that guys want what they can't have, and Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? Or why buy the What was it? Why buy the milk when you get the cow for free? -I don't know, something like that.
Yeah.
-You know what I'm saying.
Okay.
NARRA TOR: While Paris and Kathy talk dairy, elsewhere in Beverly Hills, Nicole enjoys a day ofbeauty.
NlCOLE: How long have you guys been married? Eleven years.
How do you keep the spark alive after that long? (CHUCKLlNG) Toys? -Are your parents still married? -No.
My mom's been married three times.
-Does your mom still? -I think they do.
How old is she? -She was 22 when she had me.
-I think that my mom's in her 50s.
Uh-huh.
-Does she? Yeah.
-Yeah.
All the time.
(CHUCKLlNG) Every Friday.
How do you guys, like, keep it alive? I couldn't imagine being with someone that long.
(CHUCKLlNG) You get older, you don't just get sick of that? -And not want to do it anymore? -No.
It's beautiful.
-Here's to marriage.
-And keeping it hot.
Yeah.
PARlS: Where the hell are we? NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole never had trouble finding relationships, but making them last, that's been a different story.
So today, the girls will be learning how to keep the spark alive.
And their teacher will be the Weekes family.
ALL: Hi.
We're the Weekes family.
Hi.
My name is Michael Weekes.
I've been married to my wife, Cynthia, for going on 12 years.
(CHUCKLlNG) Michael and I try to keep our lives as exciting and as fun as possible.
I'm ready for a shot of tequila.
We try to make everything spontaneous.
Two shots of tequila.
(DOORBELL RlNGS) -Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you? -Good, how are you? Thanks.
-Good.
Come on in.
-I'm Cynthia.
Nice to meet you.
-Hi.
-This is Jessica.
-Hi.
Nice to meet you.
And that's Dylan.
Hi.
I'm Nicole.
Nice to meet you.
-My husband, Michael.
-Hi.
-Michael, Paris.
Paris, Michael.
-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.
-How long have you guys been married? -We've been married 1 1-and-a-half years.
How'd you guys meet? We met after he went with a friend of mine to go get a six-pack, to go have cocktails at 4:00 the morning.
That's sexy.
What was your wedding day like? -MlCHAEL: We don't really remember that.
-We were having cocktails.
-We were hammied.
-Hamskied.
-Yes, totally.
-Hamskied.
Was your marriage sponsored by Anheuser-Busch? MlCHAEL: Every marriage is a three-ring circus.
You got the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and then the suffering.
That's hot.
If you don't keep the spark alive, everything gets really boring.
-Familiarity breeds contempt in a sense.
-Yeah.
So I wrote down a little list for you, to keep some ideas, while you're spending the day with my husband.
First one is, look good for each other.
The next thing is, regularly compliment each other.
That's hot.
Also, we practice nonverbal communication.
What the hell is that? Nonverbal communication is basically winking, nudging, rubbing the back of the hair.
I'll give him ajob.
If you can, kind of, keep an eye out on the list, and make sure you're doing everything that's on the list.
I will see you guys later, -and you have a wonderful day.
-Thank you.
You, too.
Bye, sexy.
NARRA TOR: With Mrs.
Weekes and the kids away for the day, the girls are ready to learn the secret to keeping the spark alive.
NlCOLE: Well, your wife left a list for me.
The first thing she wrote is to look good for each other.
Well, the "practice nonverbal communication" is the only thing that I think we really don't do too much, you know? Yeah.
I was talking to her aboutjobs, and she said she didn't do that much.
-No, she doesn't.
-Do you miss it? -Yeah, we got to work on that.
-Yeah.
(STAMMERlNG) Daily.
You know, the main thing, though, is having fun.
Having cocktails, that's what I'm very good at having cocktails.
-You love your cocktails? -I love my cocktails.
-Do you want me to make you one? -Sure.
-Okay.
What do you like? -I'll just have a shot of tequila.
-I want some cereal.
-All right.
Can you make it for me? -Froot Loops are good for you? -Yeah.
-All right.
-And a spoon, please? You got it.
Would you like a little napkin, too? Mmm-hmm.
Is there anything else you might want? -I want it folded like a bird.
-No.
-I can't.
-Like a swan.
I don't think so.
MlCHAEL: Are you going to join me on that? NlCOLE: No.
I think that I should be a good wife today.
I'll hold an imaginary shot.
-Cheers to us.
-Hey, cheers on that.
Yeah.
(GRUNTS) They're the best in the morning.
-They are? -Yeah.
MlCHAEL: One of the things we do.
We wake up in the morning, my wife and l, we say five nice things to each other.
So I'll tell you five nice things about you that I learned.
-Okay.
-You can wear brown, -and not a lot of people can pull that off.
-Thank you.
-I love your red face.
-Okay.
And I really like your hair.
-Really? -No.
Sorry.
One of the other things we try to do to keep the sparks alive is we try to look good for each other.
Mmm.
And I want to give you a little bit of a makeover, okay? Honey, I'm not the one who needs one.
So maybe we could -do some sort of improvement on you.
-Okay.
Like, maybe we could do a workout.
'Cause, you know, you party a lot, and stuff like that.
All right.
Before we do that, do you want to take a shot? (GRUNTS) They're getting a little bit harder and harder, though.
-Do your eyebrows.
-No, we're not doing the eyebrows.
(GROANlNG) Don't move.
that hurt.
Hey, you know what? That didn't feel too good, Paris.
I actually have some workout clothes.
They're stretchy, so they should fit you, even though they're mine.
Now, when I go to the gym, and I wear this, everybody hits on me.
I don't know if I can do this.
Can I have a cigarette, Nicole? One, two, three, higher.
Four, five, higher.
Six -This is so This is the last one.
-seven.
And one, two, pump it.
Three, pump it.
Four, pump it.
Five.
Great.
Let's go.
Let's go! Let's go! Hey, neighbor.
I'm Super Tequila Man.
(NlCOLE LAUGHlNG) Come on, Captain Tequila, you're doing this for your wife.
God! NARRA TOR: Looking good for each other didn't exactly go as Mike had planned, but that won't stop him from showing Nicole yet another way he and his wife try to keep their spark alive.
One of the things we do in our marriage to keep the, you know, sparks flying Yeah.
is, we like to blindfold each other, and feed each other, -you know, different sweets.
-That's sexy.
Mmm.
Chocolate-covered strawberry.
Yeah.
You got a lot of the strawberry, I see.
You're going to like this one, okay? Is this candy, or is this you? -That is me.
That's how I taste.
-No wonder your wife married you.
Thank you.
See, now, that was a good compliment.
-Ready, bitch? -Yeah, I'm ready, bizatch.
-Open wide.
-Ah.
Now bite.
-Mmm.
-Mmm.
-Peanut butter cup.
-Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
-Ready? -Yeah.
-Tilt your head back.
-Uh-huh.
-Mmm.
-Mmm.
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
-Yeah.
-Mmm-hmm.
Okay.
Now here's a little taste of me.
(EXCLAlMS) Just a bite.
What is that? What the heck was that? That tasted like dog food, man.
-I would never feed you dog food.
-Yeah, I kind of -I love you.
-That'sup.
You think that I would do that to you? Honestly, the part of the reason why Cynthia and I are probably still married We've had our ups and downs, but the thing in our marriage that, you know, keeps it going is that, you know, we have common interests, Iike the surfing, the skiing -The drinking.
-She'll The drinking.
-You like to golf? -I've never golfed before.
-Let's go golf.
-Okay, let's do it.
MlCHAEL: You look really hot today.
PARlS: I know.
-You know you're hot, huh? -Obviously.
Honestly, what's the best compliment you've gotten from a guy? Because, like, I know you're Paris Hilton, and the guys are, like, probably going (WHlMPERlNG) You know what I mean? You get thatall the time.
-I like when people say -Say you're sweet -I'm, like, a nice person.
I'm funny or -nice, smart.
Yeah.
You know, it's not about looks.
It's more about what's on the inside.
Yeah, you got it, you got it.
Yeah, right.
(CHUCKLES) MlCHAEL: All right.
So you know golf etiquette, Paris? PARlS: What? -Hi.
-Good afternoon.
-How are you doing? -Hi, Bob.
Greetings from our golf course.
We specialize in safety, so we want You sure you know how to use a cart? -Yeah.
-Are you allowed to drink and drive? Uh, yes, you can.
Here's the key.
-I'll drive.
-All right, thanks.
(CHUCKLlNG) All right.
-All right, where is the key? -The key is right down here.
Step on the gas.
It should go.
(MlCHAEL LAUGHlNG) -Sorry about that.
-Mister, when we There you go.
All right.
Okay, Paris, we got to get some booze, okay? NARRA TOR: Paris and Nicole are spending the day with Mike Weekes, Iearning about keeping the spark alive in marriage.
Tilt your head back.
NARRA TOR: Paris has come to a golf course to try and share in his interest in golf, but before they go swing, she wants to make sure he's in a good mood.
What do you like better, eating or drinking? -Drinking.
For sure.
-I could tell.
-You know what I always say? -That's it.
What? (STAMMERlNG) It's happy hour somewhere in the world right now.
You need a golf outfit.
You cannot golf in that.
-I love this.
-You got to get that, Paris.
-Yeah, that definitely is hot.
-Could you get me this? Sure.
If they take company checks.
-That'll match the bag.
-Yep.
That's an outfit.
(EXCLAlMS) Zsa Zsa, looking good.
I don't want to be called Zsa Zsa.
All right, what do you want me to call you? Princess Paris.
Or bitch.
-All right, bitch.
Let's go, bitch.
-Okay.
You know what, gorgeous? I learned so much from you, but it's time that I teach you how to keep the spark alive.
It's very important to role-play.
(KNOCKlNG) NlCOLE: Come in.
-Are you feeling okay? -Oh, Doctor.
-And what is your name, young lady? -My name is Bambi.
-Bambi? -I'm feeling so sick.
Yeah, it's beating a little fast, Nicole.
Bambi, excuse me.
It's beating really fast.
(CHUCKLES) What do you think we should do about it? Medication.
(EXCLAlMS) That's not sexy.
You suck at this.
Let's go and do something else.
MlCHAEL: All right, Paris, go punch it.
Hey, gotta go drive on the green.
Oh.
That's the first hole, up top.
Go right over there.
PARlS: The duck holes.
(LAUGHlNG) Hey, bro, where's the first hole? This can't be the first.
-What hole is this? -Five.
-The five? -Five? man, all right, you know what? Let's just take a tour of the golf course.
This sucks so bad.
NARRA TOR: While Paris tries to find her way back on course, Nicole tries to teach Mike a valuable lesson in role-playing.
Now, you know you need to call me Miss Richie, right? What is 27 times 43? I have no idea.
(BUZZER RlNGlNG) Bad answer! You are a bad, bad boy! (GROANlNG) Don't ever get that answer wrong again! Okay.
Who invented E=mc squared? Einstein.
You're supposed to guess wrong, so I can spank you.
You suck.
-Hey, what hole is this? -Fourth.
-And punch it.
-Yeah.
Get squirrelly, baby, get squirrelly, yeah.
Hey, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Where you going? Where are you going? -Down there.
-No, no, no.
No.
(LAUGHS) Don't go in the sand trap.
Oh, my God.
All right, let's go.
(BLOWS WHlSTLE) You are to call me "drill sergeant," after everything I say.
(BLOWS WHlSTLE) Yes, drill sergeant.
Give me one good rubdown.
Okay.
Where do you want it, drill sergeant? That is not romantic.
Well, you got to tell me what you want.
You, as a man, should know -what a woman wants.
-I do.
Okay.
You got it.
(MlCHAEL LAUGHS) I feel like my grandma's touching me.
You suck at this, too.
Bring back the club just where you had it, and just follow through, keeping your head on the ball.
-Okay.
-Did you hear what I said? -No.
-MlCHAEL: Fore! (MlCHAEL LAUGHS) -Right on.
That was an awesome shot.
-Can you go get it? PARlS: You need some exercise.
(MlMlCKlNG PARlS) Thanks, bitch.
I want to help you keep the spark alive all the time.
-All right.
-So I came up with an idea.
-Mmm-hmm.
-We are going to make a calendar.
-All right.
Now, just hold that pose.
-No.
It's January.
-So, do you want me to -You have to show nipples in January.
That is sexy.
Perfect, perfect.
That is perfect.
Shake it, shake it.
Work the plunger.
Stick your butt up in the air a little bit more.
Yeah, baby.
You like that one? -That is great.
-Mmm-hmm.
-You're a cowboy.
You're a cowboy.
-Mmm! Mmm! -You're Billy Crystal.
-Mmm-mmm.
All right, let's get out of the ditch, Paris.
-Okay, go.
-PARlS: Back or frontwards? Not backwards.
(PARlS LAUGHS) PARlS: Yeah! Okay, go down the other side of the hill right here.
(PARlS YELLlNG) -Whoa, whoa -BOB: Keep it off the green! Gotta get off the green.
MlCHAEL: Sorry.
Sorry.
-I'm scared of that guy.
-Watch out for thetree.
No, there's wire! -Damn it! -PARlS: Move! -The brakes don't work! -Whoa, look out! It's not working.
No! (PARlS YELLlNG) It smells like crap! (EXCLAlMlNG) (SHOUTlNG) It smells like crap! I can't jump that far.
Can you carry me through, please? -Yeah.
-But don't drop me.
If I go in this water, I'm going to die.
-I've got some nice golf shoes on, though.
-Take them off.
We are sinking.
All right.
Oh, dude! PARlS: Oh! Come on.
Let's get the hell out of here.
I'm scared.
Well, at least we didn't fall in the big pond.
MlCHAEL: Okay.
It's your call today, Nicole.
Now, I'm thinking, because it's December, you know, Uh-huh.
the grand finale, Uh-huh.
we should do you all naked, -in your birthday suit.
-I'll do it, baby.
Just for you, I'll do it.
All right.
Ready? One, two, three.
(DOG GROWLlNG) -What do you want me to do, get naked? -Yes! -Naked.
Okay, I'll get naked.
-All right, ready? One -So this is my champion.
-Think no one will see it.
It's illegal.
two, three.
-That is gorgeous.
I had fun today.
-Thanks for the dog food.
(DOG YELPS) (NlCOLE CHUCKLES) Paris, grab that hot chocolate.
You hot biscuit.
It was a pleasure golfing with you today.
-Okay, pull away.
-MAN: Whatever, buddy.
-WOMAN: Excuse me.
-Yeah? Were you two the ones who left your cart in the pond on hole number seven? PARlS: Sorry for having your membership revoked.
-Hey, guys.
-Hi, guys.
-How'd it go? -Good.
It was fun.
We went golfing.
That's spontaneous.
(LAUGHlNG) -Did you learn anything today? -No.
I don't think she's going to be married for a while, babe.
I think that a couple things I said to her, I think she'll remember.
I learned that something that keeps a marriage lasting is common interests, in which I have none with your husband.
Sorry.
I learned a lot about keeping the spark alive.
He taught me some stuff, but I taught him even more stuff.
(CHUCKLES) Ifl had to pick a wife, it would definitely be Nicole Richie.
For a woman to sit there and make my You know, pour my tequila shots for me and to go out of the way, she showed a lot of class.
-Bye.
-Bye, guys.
MlCHAEL: Thanks for coming to my humble home.
See you soon.
-CYNTHlA: Bye.
-Unless we see you first.
Thank God.
Paris is a great driver.
(LAUGHS) -Was going 45 miles an hour on the 101.
-You're joking.
I thought I was going to die.
So (DOORBELL RlNGS) -She got us there.
-I'll get it! Dylan, go get the door, please.
Therefore Who is it? Mom, Dad, get in here! -Dylan, read the note.
-What does it say? "Thanks, bitch.
" (LAUGHlNG) "Love, Paris.
" So there was a knock at the door.
Something came from Nicole.
Is there anything you need to tell me, honey? No.
-No.
Oh, God.
-Oh, this should be good.
Oh, God! What theis that? -Look at those eyes.
-Look how hammered I am.
Hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I've never even seen you wear a tank top like that.
(BOTH LAUGHlNG) Look at this one.
(LAUGHlNG) -Oh, God.
-Oh, my goodness.
-I'm going to return to sender on this one.
-No, you wimp.
MlCHAEL: Can I have another shot? NARRA TOR: Next on The Simple Life Manage all the children and do everything that needs to be done.
Kick him in the baby-maker! -Can you braid my hair? -What's political science? BOY: I think she's too young to wear makeup.
Don't you know who JonBenet Ramsey is? Isn't this better than doing chores? CHlLDREN: Yeah! -We're home.
-Guys, we're home.
Are we missing a kid?