The Wonder Years s04e03 Episode Script

Sarge.
I'm scared.
So am I.
Mot you! Fowler, I'm always scared.
Alright, landing departure - get down! Lock and load! "Colonel Bogey March" Adolescence is a battle.
A life-or-death mission into hostile territory.
You tiptoe through minefields.
Dodge bullets.
Try to do the right thing In a crazy time.
But war has another side.
The noble side.
Forging friendships Between improbable comrades.
Uniting men.
Bringing together the good The bad The ugly.
Men, listen up! Today We're going to educate your hearts, your mindsand your bodies.
Uh-oh.
You'll need Cat-like reflexes Nerves of steel.
Most of all Intestinal fortitude.
"I" - "E" Guts.
Along around ninth grade, one thing was clear.
In the battle of growing up Junior high school was basic training.
It's time to separate the men from the boys, men.
The object Survival.
The game Deathball.
Any volunteers? "War" - Edwin Starr Not that any of us had actually enlisted in this army.
Still, we'd learned one thing.
We'd learned how to survive.
Who's next? It was all a matter of balance.
Poise.
Keeping your head down.
The war came to you.
Smell this.
G' ahead.
Go on! It's perfume.
Not just perfume "Eau de Donna Pescarelli".
That was Walter McHafferty.
"Mr.
Hormones".
A real hound.
Wait.
The Donna Pescarelli? The tenth-grader? Uh-huh.
She was in the car - my sister dropped me off this morning.
I told her she had a bug on her She let me take it off! I touched the back of her neck, for at least Man it seemed like forever.
Wow And that's not all.
I got information.
Pescarelli's having a party.
At her house.
So? A party.
So what? A slumber party? But hold on! Did he say "slumber party"? And we're invited.
What?! Fiesta con chiquitas, guys! Pony-tails Pillow fights, negligees Wait a minute.
You're saying high-school girls invited us? Well, almost.
Practically.
OK, so we don't have a formal letter of introduction.
Who cares? We know when, we know where So we crash it! McHafferty, you're dreamin' Yeah, he's dreaming.
When is it? Tomorrow night.
Late.
No, we can't make it.
We're goin' camping tomorrow night.
In my backyard.
Right, Paul? Oh.
Yeah.
Right.
Suit yourself.
You're not the men I though you were.
Maybe notbut we weren't fools.
We werecampers.
Men who camped.
Paul! Forget it! Sure.
I wonder what they actually wear to a tenth-grade slumber party.
Paul.
Do they wear negligees? Do they wear anything? Sorry.
I was just thinking.
Yeah, well don't.
We were thinking.
Maybe we should go to that party.
Yeah, why not? / Right.
Yeah.
I couldn't understand it.
These were guys I'd known all my adult life.
Now, they were acting like.
fourteen-year olds.
Look.
Randy Yeah, we know.
But that's before we heard about the beer.
What beer? Well, Walter's sister says All we have to do is show up with a few brewskis And it's "babe-o-rama".
Uh-huh.
That sounded like Walter's sister.
Beer.
Where are you guys gonna get beer? You could almost hear The wheels grinding.
It's not going to work.
Of course it's not going to work.
Sure it will.
Once We find a place to tell our parents we're spending the night.
Any ideas? This is a great idea.
Pass the cookies.
Made ya wonder if Daniel Boone had nights like this.
Look at these.
Not that I couldn't be hospitable.
Guys? Get out.
What? / That's not very nice.
You heard me.
This tent isn't big enough for all of us.
Don't worry.
We're only stayin' till Walter shows up with the beers.
Randy, it's not gonna happen.
Make way for the suds! / That a way, Walter.
Way to go! It was beer! Actual barley and hops! The kind cowboys and ballplayer drank.
Here it is Our ticket to paradise, gents.
Right! This is great.
Alright.
That's it.
I had enough.
It was time to let these guys straight.
Once and for all.
You guys are nuts - d'you know that? I mean you don't have a chance.
You'll never make it to the party and you'll probably get caught and you'll never get in! I mean this idea's completelystupid.
It was a bitter pill, maybe But something any idiot could understand.
Almost any idiot.
Maybe he's right.
Of course I am.
And I was.
Except At that momentsomething happened.
Something made me realize some things were bigger than logic.
Mightier than reason.
Look out! Well, well, well.
What do we have here? A rabbit? A fox? Why, no - it's a Kevie! Wayne, get off you butthead! Can't do it.
Get off him.
Back off! One move and he dies.
Wayne! Lucky thing for you girls, and I just happened to be strolling by Seems I overheard something about a Slumber party? Oh, and beer? Wayne - leave 'em alone.
Oh, well, these of course Will have to be destroyed.
Oh, no Let's seeanything else? Ah, yesthe address.
You're crazy.
Go ahead - I'm not gonna tell ya anything.
It was a desperate moment.
Still, lying there Ground into the mud I understood for the first time What the guys had been telling me all along.
That some things were worth fighting for.
No matter how stupid.
Don't do it - I'll tell you! It's seven twenty Goodman avenue! Thanks, Mr.
Pfeiffer.
Gentlemen Better not see you at the party.
It was kind of a low moment.
There goes the whole night.
I can't believe you told him the address.
I had to.
He was gonna kill you! Ya, exceptThat's not where Pescarelli lives.
My uncle Arnie - the herpetologist.
All we have to do Is show it to 'em, and we're in And in that moment, I made up my mind.
Let's go! / We're out 'o here "Colonel Bogey March" Heading through the darkness Towards Donna Pescarelli's slumber party that night There seemed to be something magical, mythical, about being out in the empty streets in an unknown part of town.
We were like a band of soldiers.
A lost brigade, marching though these foreign lands.
Away from all civilization.
With an occasional stop for refueling.
Let's go.
Number fifty eight - pick up! Still, out there under the silent stars alone with our thoughts our minds naturally turned to the greater issues.
My feet are killing me.
Well, why'd you wear those stupid shoes? Hey, look - I didn't know I was gonna be walking.
Besides Babes notice things like shoes.
Put your shoes back on.
I must be allergic to something in this part of town.
Come on, guys! We gotta move! Oh, no.
Now we're in trouble.
I forgot my inhaler.
It was kinda like Napoleon Forgetting his hat.
Oh, well, what d'yo want to do now, Paul? Well, I don't know.
Could we go back? Our first major setback.
Someone had to act before our morale was crushed.
Come on, Paul.
.
don't be such a wuss.
Oh.
Nice, Kev Real nice.
Sure, it was rough.
But absolutely necessary.
Let's go.
After all, somebody had to keep this company moving.
Someone like They're comin'! / Run! Oh, nono! Come onjump! OK - it was only a station-wagon.
But it could have been the cops.
Anyway, it was our first real taste of action.
Everybody OK? I think I'm hurt.
Lemme see it.
How's it look? Not too good.
It startin' to swell up.
No, it always looks like that.
So now what are we gonna do? We'll just have to carry 'em.
Are you nuts? Carry Doug? Who's gonna do that? Step back.
Randy Mitchell.
A real buddy.
The kind of guy you could count on.
The kind of guy who could move mountains.
Gentle.
Gentle.
Half a block later, we understood why mountains Don't move.
Maybe we should leave 'em.
Not that! Anything but that! Alright.
Here.
Hold these I'll go find 'em a crutch.
And suddenly, right under those bleachers, it hit me Something was happening to us.
Somethingimportant.
Right here.
Right now.
Events were bringing out our true personalities.
The leader.
The wounded.
The stalwart.
The allergic.
The klutz.
The beer.
Nice play, Shakespeare.
Sorry, guys.
Great.
Now we're down to one lousy beer.
Tell me about it.
It was terrible.
I'd single-handedly wrecked the mission.
Well, there's only one thing to do now.
Stop by my house.
It was a desperate gamble.
About six streets out of our way.
But we needed more ammo.
In here! Get in! OK - here's the plan.
I sneak into the housegrab some more beersthen we head out.
Everybody understand? Sounds simple enough.
Don't we need a signal? Why? I don't know.
Seems we ought to have a signal.
"Coo-coo, coo-coo".
OK? Alright.
It's the last one, man.
Guard itwith your life.
Don't worry.
I will.
WellI'm outta here.
Hey, Walt? / Yeah? I guess Doug was gonna speak what was in all our hearts.
Could you maybegrab some, some peanut butter and some bread while you're in there? I'm starving.
As we watched that baby-faced rascal make his way into enemy turf We felt a lump welling in our throats.
"Coo-coo, coo-coo"! "Coo-coo, coo-coo"! "Coo-coo, coo-coo"! Looking back, it's more than likely We got a little carried away.
In any case WalterWhat do you think you're doing? Oh, no! / I wasn't doing anything It's ten o'clock at night! I won't stand for it! It was horrible.
Not more than twenty yards from where we stood Walter McHafferty was being grounded by his mother.
And there was nothin' we could do about it.
Right now, young man! Right to bed! And then, it was over.
/ I don't believe it.
Maybe he'll come back.
He's not coming back.
So, we did what all good troops do when they lose their leader.
We started whining.
I'm hungry.
You're always hungry, Doug.
Which turned into bickering.
Leave him alone.
This isn't his fault.
No, it's your fault - for doing that stupid signal.
Hey look, we wouldn't even be here if you hadn't dropped the beer.
Yeah? Well, for your information, I didn't even want to come on this stupid trip.
That's obvious.
That's why you sabotaged the beer.
What are we gonna do? / How should I know? We were near total meltdown, and there was no one to save us.
And then It happened.
What are we gonna do? I'll tell ya what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go.
And we're gonnakeepgoing.
We're gonna get to Donna Pescarelli's housenot because we have to, or even because we want tobut because Well Walter would have wanted it that way.
The funny thing is He didn't even sneeze once.
Come on.
Let's move out.
Let's go! / Wait for me! I'm not sure how long we walked.
Maybe days.
Maybehours.
Maybe about fifteen minutes.
All I knew is we weren't the same bright-eyed kids who's started out those hours earlier that autumn night.
We were veterans.
We'd seen the worst, and we'd survived.
And now I think we're here.
Definitely! We made it.
I'm gonna rest.
You guys wait here.
I'll go scout it out.
They say that soldiers are never so close as on the eve of battle.
While standing there with Paul, waiting for the signal I could feel that closeness.
Hey, Paul, look.
Sorry about what I said back there.
OK The "wuss" stuff, ya know.
/ Forget about it.
So We're really goin' in there.
I'm scared.
What are you scared about? And then Paul said something I'll never forget.
Kev? I'm a virgin.
It was possibly the deepest secret Paul had ever revealed to me.
And I knew I had to say something to reassure him.
Yeah, wellya know.
a lot, a lot of guys are.
"Coo-coo, coo-coo"! Doug, let's go.
Doug? The events of battle are never quite clear.
Smoke obscures the battlefield.
Things get confused.
Go ahead - knock on the window.
Only later did historians sort out the facts.
It's enough to say that that night we met the enemy.
FaceTo face.
Who is it? It's just a bunch ninth-graders.
And the rest Who's out there?! Is history.
The old man! Scatter! But it was an honorable retreat.
In some way we couldn't exactly express We'd accomplished our mission.
We'd done what we had to do.
"Daydream Believer" - The Monkees By the time we got back together Our adventure had become an epic.
babes.
Oh my god, the fatherat least three hundred pounds And he had a shot gun.
I swear he had a shot-gun.
We were entitled to a little exaggeration.
Every soldier is.
After all, if growing up is war, then those friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect.
The ones who stuck by you, shoulder-to-shoulder, in a time when nothing is certain.
When all life lay ahead.
And every road led home.
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