This is Us (2016) s04e03 Episode Script
Unhinged
1 Previously on "This Is Us" Babe, are you sure that you want to go - to the grocery store now? - Yeah, I like going - when the store's not so crowded.
(KISSES) - KATE: Mm.
I know you don't have a campaign manager.
- I want the gig.
- Happy to have you on board, Jae-won.
NICKY: I know you want to fix things.
Fix me.
But you and your family It's just too painful.
(WINDOW BREAKING, GLASS SHATTERING) (FINGERS TAPPING) - Hi, Nicky.
- It's nice to meet you.
I'm Dr.
Ruiz.
I've been working with the vets here for two years.
So, what's been going on with you? (FINGERS TAPPING) RUIZ: Therapy works better if you talk.
I hate this sad, little room.
How's that? (GEESE HONKING) NICKY: You know we're only 80 miles from Canada? I've never been.
I almost went once, with my brother.
But I didn't.
Why haven't you ever gone? I can't stand maple syrup.
(LAUGHS) There's things that happened there that you can't come back from.
You know, they they make you less human.
(CABINET DOORS CLOSE) - NICKY: Hey, Doc.
- Hi, Nicky.
So, listen, I was thinking Before we start today, I have some bad news.
I'm being transferred to a vet center in Arizona.
Our centers all over the country are understaffed.
(FADING): But you'll be working with Dr.
Patterson and I hear he is exceptional.
Nicky.
(WINDOW BREAKING, GLASS SHATTERING) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) POLICE OFFICER: Watch your head.
You watch your head, Officer Krupke.
(LAUGHING) (POUNDING ON DOOR) I didn't need you to come.
Good morning.
Hey, Randall, slow down.
You're gonna choke.
It's the first day of junior high, I want to get there early.
Well, you're not gonna be early if you're in the ER with Count Chocula lodged in your throat.
Chew.
Why do fancy schools start earlier than normal ones? Because we have bigger brains to fill.
Okay, nerd.
Well, have fun while we're home all day.
Mom, do we have any cucumber slices? Why do you need cucumber slices? - I'm taking a me day.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay, so if I give you a cucumber and a knife, can I trust that you're not gonna cut yourself? I wouldn't count on it.
(LAUGHS) Mm-hmm.
Hey, Katie girl.
Whatcha reading? Do you think Cindy Crawford's pretty? She's no Kate Pearson.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, Kate, look, it's Suzanne Somers, It's the thigh master lady.
- She's in our home.
- REBECCA: Ha, ha.
Yeah.
REBECCA: Shelley lent me some new aerobics video that I'm gonna try out in a little bit.
JACK (EXHALES): Oh.
That's good.
Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay? I'm just, I'm in a mood.
You know? Mondays are hard.
I know that I've got, like, five days of the red tape factory ahead of me.
Mmm.
Well, I will be here waiting at the end of every one.
- Oh.
I like that.
- (RANDALL GROANS) Can you guys be gross later? Come on, Dad, seventh grade's calling.
- Seventh grade is calling.
- Seventh grade.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Have a great first day.
Thanks for the big hug.
But when I do, I'm a fool These times I've spent, I've realized I'm gonna shoot through and leave you The things you say Your purple prose just gives you away The things you say You're unbelievable Whoa, what Hi.
Hey.
- I'm Mr.
Lawrence.
- I know.
- I-I mean, cool.
I'm Randall.
- By telling me more about mine Nice to meet you, Randall.
I'm always so concerned - Please, have a seat.
- Yeah.
You've always go to stop to think of us All right, kids, let's open our books to chapter one.
BETH: Hey.
- What happened to Jae-won? - He fell a little behind at mile eight.
(GRUNTS) You say "mile eight" so casually.
You caught that, huh? Oh! The Clarke School of Dance grand opening flyers, - hot off the press.
- Yes.
Everybody, take a stack and give it to anyone who looks like they need a little rhythm in their life.
Hey, Tess? I know you're nervous, but, uh, it's gonna be great.
I know.
I'm good.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Mom.
Oh, you see my article in there? You mean "Councilman Pearson Unhinged?" Mm-hmm.
ANNIE: "Pearson takes his open door policy to a new level by removing his office door from its hinges to show that all are welcome for a sit-down.
Pearson spends every Monday listening to constituents" Is that the article? Yeah.
Hey, you think I come off as crazy? No way, man.
They called you bold.
They called me different.
- It says you're unhinged.
- Well, maybe I am.
- Boom.
- Boom! Oh, uh, sometime today, uh, I'd like to talk to you about my proposal, if you've got time.
I always got time for you, J-Dubs.
- All right.
- I got to hit the shower.
Girls, you have an amazing first day.
You are all radiant women and this town is lucky to have you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Love you guys.
- Love you, too.
- I was talking to my girls.
Sorry.
Reflex.
(SNIFFLES) Okay, so this is the brown velvet.
Do you like the soft fabric? We're gonna have Daddy put up these curtains this weekend.
So gurgle once if you like the velvet.
Can you do that? Can you do that? Oh, wait, I thought, I was gonna get to see you all dressed up in your new client-wooing suit.
What, and risk sweat stains before I even get to the office? I'm not a daredevil.
I know my body's limits.
But you'll get to see it today at lunch.
Thanks again for agreeing to come.
They really wanted to meet my wife.
- Of course.
Mwah.
- Mwah.
Okay, bye.
Can you say bye-bye? Bye.
Aww - Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
We haven't had a chance to introduce ourselves.
We just, um just moved in.
Could you please tell your husband to stop parking in the middle of the sidewalk? Yeah.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's just that we have this storage pod that we're unpacking, so his car doesn't fit, you know, - in the driveway.
- So park on the street before I start calling to have your car towed.
Okay.
Wow.
(QUIETLY): We are never going to let Audio poop in that man's yard.
PRITCHARD: Damn it.
Damn it! What's going on? - You know the Marlin property? - Mm-hmm.
- We laid the new foundation last week.
- Uh-huh.
20 minutes ago, Pritchard got a call from the city.
Someone on our end forgot to schedule the city water line inspection.
So now, we got to tear everything out, have the city come take a look and then start all over from scratch.
Whoever signed off on that permit is done for, no question.
Oh, God.
I hope it was Donovan.
I would love to see him go down.
You know, he microwaves fish sticks in the break room? Who does that? I signed off on the Marlin permit, Miguel.
- What? - That was me.
(JACK SIGHS) Sir, my uncle Nicky is extremely remorseful about throwing that chair through your window.
Isn't that right, Uncle Nicky? Yes.
See? It says here you have a hearing in veterans' court in two months.
Um, he's facing, uh, up to $250,000 in fines.
Or, uh, ten years in prison.
Sir, I mean (LAUGHS) the man threw a chair, right? It's not like he, uh, shredded a Banksy.
(QUIETLY): Right? Um, anyway, his-his court-appointed attorney, um, said that if he could show that he was committed to continuing treatment here at this facility, um, that his sentence could be reduced.
Perhaps even pardoned.
I can have Dr.
Patterson do an evaluation today, and we'll assess if Nicky poses a further threat.
If he doesn't, I'll allow him to continue his treatments here on a probationary basis.
SHAY: Batman, Robin, how was your run today? - Deadly.
- Invigorating.
Great job getting the article out there, Shay.
Clearly it got us buzz.
Buzz? They called you "unhinged".
What was that, Bernice? You have drinks with Councilmen Wilkins and Ramirez at 6:30 tonight to discuss Wilkins' housing initiative.
Don't let this stunt make you late.
I wouldn't miss it.
And it's not a stunt.
Hi.
Wow.
Good morning, everyone.
Uh, thanks for coming here to talk to us.
I'm looking forward to speaking with you all.
Uh, excuse me.
You want me to talk to Bernice about the attitude? Or find an aide with less attitude? I can deal with a little attitude.
Bernice has more experience than the rest of us combined.
We need somebody like her around.
Don't worry, my friend, she'll learn to adore me as much as you do.
All right, who's first? Hey, my man, hold up a sec.
Is this your first year here, too? Nope, my third.
And I read in your teacher bio that you just moved here from Chicago.
And you love the Bulls.
Well, me, too.
Mm.
Well, if it's your third year, then you should know the rules.
I got to write you a yellow slip for being out of dress code with those shoes.
Yeah, but they're Air Jordans.
Like Michael Jordan wears.
Yeah, but Michael Jordan doesn't have to abide by our dress code.
See, look, you want to be in a place like this, you got to look the part, okay.
That's why I rock a suit.
You know, like Arsenio Hall.
Sorry, man.
(HYPERVENTILATING) TOBY: There he is.
- And this is Jack.
- WOMAN: Oh, my God.
- He's just six months old.
- Oh, God, those eyelashes.
Right? MAN: That's pretty amazing.
We named him after his grandpa.
Oh, and here she is.
This is my wife Kate.
- Kate, please meet Debbie and Arjun.
- Hi, how are you? Toby was just showing us photos of your son.
He's ridiculously cute.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, thankfully, 'cause there's no return policy.
- (LAUGHTER) - No, there's not.
But we are not here to talk about him.
We are here to talk about database servers and all of your other IT needs.
So HOSTESS: Your table is ready, folks.
- Come with me.
- Great.
Thank you.
You look great.
Thanks.
So do you.
TOBY: Oh, actually, you know what.
Sorry.
I hate to be a pain, but it looks like we're right below a vent here, and a cool breeze can really ruin a hot lobster bisque.
They have an amazing lobster bisque.
Uh, do you think we could sit at a different table, like that one over there? Sorry, sir, those are reserved.
This is fine.
We don't eat bisque.
I was gonna have bisque.
I love bisque He's actually asking because I can't fit in the booth.
I should come with a label, right? "May contain uncomfortable moments".
I'm so sorry.
There's a table this way.
Thank you.
I love you.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Hey, boss, you, uh you got a sec? Pearson, yeah.
What's up? I was the one that signed off on the Marlin property.
I don't know how I missed that we didn't have the water line inspection.
Do you know how much your mistake is gonna cost? 20,000.
That's money straight out of my pocket.
I'm-I'm sorry.
Okay, I don't know how this happened.
I've never made a mistake like this before.
Yeah, but now you have.
It's colossal.
I'm sorry, Jack, you don't come back from this one.
(INSTRUCTOR SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Walk it out, shake it down Hey, Bug.
(LAUGHS) Do you want to try this with me? - Sure.
- Really? Well, sashay on in here, little cutie.
I'll show you how it's done.
It's really easy.
All we're gonna do is just follow along.
And don't worry if you mess up.
Right? - Mm-hmm.
- See? See what she's doing? There you go.
Step, touch.
Oh.
- Now she's going back here.
- (PHONE RINGING) REBECCA: Hey, Kev, can you get that? This is interrupting my me time.
(SIGHS) Hello? Hey, hey, Kev, it's me.
Um, can you get Mom? What's wrong? I-I got in trouble, and Mom and Dad have to sign a yellow slip.
And I just feel like I can't breathe.
I'm really freaking out.
And do you think telling Mom you got in trouble - will make it better? - Well, I don't know what's happening.
I don't know what to do.
(SIGHS) Mom, it's Dylan.
I'm going to his house.
I'll meet you by the side door of your school.
Don't call back here.
(MACHINE WHINING) Come on.
(SIGHS) Blanket, panda, Bradshaw.
CHILD: That one's broken.
You have to use the one around the corner.
Hmm.
You know your way around this place, huh? You're a ghost to me Bird's-eye view of San Luis I come with my mom here.
She's seeing a therapist.
My dad said it's good for her.
Gotcha.
Want to play something? I'll crush Mario Kart.
Let's go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh - Ah, you bit it.
- Your turn.
- Yep.
Funyun? - Yeah.
- All right.
Time for me to shine.
I gave you a chance to drive.
You give me a chance to drive.
I can't do very well when you're backseat driving, chirping in my ear the whole time No, I-I'm putting on your rocket booster.
No, no, no! Oh, okay.
Well, that helped.
All right.
Yeah, but you can't block the screen, because I'm trying - Who are you? - Hey, Mom.
This is my friend, Kevin.
- Oh.
- Kevin Pearson.
You are not at all what I pictured when your son said his mom was a vet.
Well, you're not at all what I picture when my son says he has a friend.
For the record, a 40-year-old man hanging out with a nine-year-old boy is - it's creepy.
- Oh, definitely not 40.
Well, definitely nine.
Let's get your backpack on, bud.
- Come on.
- Okay.
How do I know you? Oh, you were on a television show.
Um Who's the Boss? Who's the Boss? I'm 39 years old, lady.
I was on a show called The Manny.
- You ever see that? - Uh and you're a vet.
No, no, my Oh, my uncle, right here, he's a vet.
You're the guy who threw a chair at me.
Well, don't flatter yourself, I wasn't throwing it at you.
Mom, can they come to the arcade with us? Absolutely not.
Come on, bud, let's go.
- Goodbye now.
- (SCOFFS) - So? - Hmm? - Well, how'd it go? - Oh.
He thinks I'm a delight.
Welcome back anytime.
You wouldn't be offended if I cross-checked that, would you? Hey, Doc, hi.
Uh, I was just wondering how that went with my uncle.
Yes, I'm gonna recommend that we allow him to resume receiving services.
Great.
But I don't want you to get your hopes up.
None of us can help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Excuse me.
Oh, come on.
Great.
Robot, giraffe diapers.
I mean, I busted a ball joint on my car - on one of those potholes.
- I got you.
I'll bring it to the school board.
Hey, Jae-won, can we make a note of that, please? - Yeah.
- BERNICE: Councilman Pearson's office.
Oh, one moment.
Councilman Martell's on the line.
Uh, please keep holding my calls till 6:00.
So, I first noticed it - (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) - (SOBBING) Have a great night, Miss Perez.
And that is how we govern in District 12.
You need to leave for your drinks.
I hear you, Bernice, and I'm one foot out the door.
J, you can prep me on the way? Yep.
And maybe we can talk about my proposal, if there's time? Oh, Batman would love nothing more, Robin.
Can I be someone other than Robin? I mean, he looks Asian, but he isn't Asian.
- Amadeus Cho, maybe.
- Sure, buddy.
You can be Amadeus Cho.
(SCOFFS) Councilman Pearson, can I have a word? No, we need to wrap him up by 6:00.
Well, I would have been here at 5:15, but the number two bus was late, so I had to walk 20 blocks to get here, just to complain to you about how the bus system is jacked.
- And it's only 5:59 by my watch.
- Sir, why don't you come into my office? Jae-won, please extend my apologies to the other councilmen.
Tell them I will be there soon.
Yeah, I know.
Yes! Those nerds loved us.
Huh? You should help me woo clients all the time.
We could star in, like, a TNT procedural, where we close IT deals.
We'd be cancelled after one season, but the fans would elevate us to cult status.
- Toby.
- Yeah? - Take your shirt off.
- Yeah, bossy.
- Yeah, I like that for your character.
- Toby.
Look, I've got, like, a half-day's worth of sweat under this bad boy.
Trust me, you do not want to see my matted chest rug.
Uh, holy crap.
Like, I knew that you lost weight, but I d I guess I just haven't seen you fully undressed.
I've just been so focused on Jack.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, you've had a lot going on.
So have you.
New-mom stress has me up ten pounds.
New-dad stress means that you have Popeye arms? That doesn't make any sense.
Okay, I-I've been going to the gym over the last few months.
On my lunch break, mostly.
Sometimes before or-or after work.
I've been doing CrossFit.
Why didn't you tell me? Because you were being this rock star mom, and I didn't want to make you feel bad for not having the energy to go to the gym, or stick to a diet right now, or Look, Kate, I had a heart attack at age 38.
And with Jack He his life is gonna be challenging enough, he doesn't need to have a dad who's gonna drop dead one day trying to teach him how to tie his shoes.
Oh, like his mom might.
I didn't say that.
(JACK CRYING) - Kate - I get it.
This just caught me a little off guard.
(JACK CONTINUES CRYING) MIGUEL: Jack? Jack, what happened? He fired me.
Yeah, I'm done.
Miguel Hey.
Hey.
Where you going? Miguel? PRITCHARD: Rivas, not now Jack has been with this company for almost 20 years.
He's a hard worker.
Has a great relationship with our crews, and he brings the best chili to the company cookouts.
- So if he goes, I go.
- Miguel, look, you don't have to I am your most successful upper-level account manager.
Five of the eight most lucrative deals we made last year, I brought those clients in.
So I want you to ask yourself, Pritchard, what's worth more: the $20,000 that we're gonna lose today, or the hundreds of thousands that you will lose when me, Jack, and all my cash-rich clients walk out of here.
'Cause I will do it.
I will walk out of here today, and I will not look back.
Whew! That was so fun, right, Bug? I would love to do another one of these tapes - with you sometime.
- Yeah, that would be awesome.
I'm gonna go get some water.
Do you want some? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
NEIGHBOR: What part of "tell your husband not to block the sidewalk" didn't you understand? Really? Not now.
Okay, dude? I just found out my husband has been sneaking off to get ripped, while I'm just here at home taking care of our son.
So really, I'm not in the mood for your stupid curb drama.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
I had a massive stroke two and a half years ago.
Almost punched my ticket.
I had to relearn how to do everything.
How to walk, talk, even how to chew and swallow.
I finally did it, though.
And a week later, I lost my job.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's awful Not done yet.
My only goal right now is to be able to walk just one pathetic mile.
So every morning, I walk around this block.
I'm not fast, but I do it.
Unless your husband blocks the sidewalk, and I can't get past.
If he does again tomorrow, I'm keying his car.
This hand still works fine.
This is me storming away! Don't blink, you'll miss it.
All right, little mamas chicken parm is in the oven, we have 30 minutes on the timer, catch me up on your days.
I want to know everything.
- (TEXT BUZZES) - My math teacher looks like Zendaya.
Wait, cute Spider-Man Zendaya - or HBO drugged-out Zendaya? - Wait, I'll be right back.
BETH: What about you, huh? How was your day? You make any friends you want to tell me about? Not really.
It was pretty average.
People, classes, you know.
Hey.
You got my text? (CHUCKLING): Yeah, I'm pretty good at using the phone.
(CHUCKLES) Listen, um You hear anything about me in school? No.
Like what? I mean, you running for student council - or something lame like that? - (CHUCKLING) No, no.
Not quite.
Um Thing is, I-I, I have a daughter.
She's six months old.
I knew you might hear about it at school, and I didn't want to tell you over text.
Her-her, her mom and I were together for a while, and (SIGHS) well, she got pregnant.
See, her-her parents wanted to put Janelle that's my girl, Janelle, um wanted to put her up for adoption, but me, me and my parents didn't want that, so so we got her.
- Oh, yeah - Hey, I did the session.
You want to go to jail? Is that what you want? Because that's what your future holds if you don't start taking this seriously.
Yeah, well, at least if I go to jail, you won't keep coming around to bust my balls.
Hey! What?! Did you know that I was sober for over a year? And then I came here and I met you, and then, guess what, I started drinking again.
- Did you know that? - I didn't ask you to come back.
Well, I did.
I'm your brother's son, all right? And I have come here twice now for you.
And if you're not gonna show me a little bit of gratitude, perhaps you can search deep down inside somewhere, and find, like, an ounce of understanding.
Damn, I need a meeting.
You know, this I'm going to a meeting, and you're coming with me, okay? And I don't give a damn if you wait in the car or not, but I'm not leaving you here, and I need a meeting, so let's go.
Get up.
Let's go.
Hey.
You okay? What'd you do? I was out of dress code.
That's what you're freaking out about? What, was your shirt not tucked deep enough - into your old man pants? - This is not funny! (SIGHS) Come on.
Let me see your slip.
(PANTING) You want Mom in a hurry or Mom before bed? Never mind.
- Wait, you can't do that! - It's fine.
I do this all the time.
This way Mom and Dad will never know you got in trouble.
Come on, man, just calm down.
It's gonna be okay.
Calm down.
(EXHALES) RANDALL: I don't know how they let the quarterback who won them the Super Bowl become a free agent.
You sure the Eagles roster is outside your purview? RANDALL: Mr.
Morris, I'm gonna take your experiences to the Transportation Committee.
- I really appreciate it, Councilman.
- I appreciate you, sir.
- Take care.
- 6:52.
Oh, my goodness, I know, Bernice.
I'm headed over there now.
Uh, excuse me.
Sir, that door's off the hinges on purpose.
I just got a call about putting it back.
Having the door off is a fire hazard.
Uh, excuse me, everyone, could you, could you give us the room? Please.
I think I've been pretty patient with all the eye rolls and the sighs and the attitude.
To be clear I am the councilman here.
Not you.
Then you need to start acting like it.
Excuse me? You're a politician, not a therapist.
You're new, naive, and you have no track record here.
You need to spend your time trying to get the 16 people you govern with on your side.
Not gabbing with every Joe Schmoe off the street.
But I shouldn't be telling you this.
Your chief of staff should.
And what are you saying? (SIGHS) You really want to serve these people, hmm? You need someone who understands how city council works.
And who's not pulling double duty as your best friend.
So what am I saying? Let me be clear: You need to fire Jae-won.
Our son soils an incredible amount - of clothing for a 14-pound being.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
His main passion in life is making things inside his body suddenly appear outside of his body, so (QUIETLY): Yeah.
Hey, look, I'm, uh I'm sorry I kept all that CrossFit stuff from you.
I shouldn't have done that.
It's just hard.
You know, seeing you lose so much weight, and I'm doing the opposite.
And it took me by surprise.
Seeing you in all those new clothes today, it really shook me.
But that's my problem.
I'm so happy that you're getting healthy, and you look amazing.
(CHUCKLES) Seriously, you look like Vin Diesel's body double.
You know that The Pacifier's my guilty pleasure.
Yes.
All too well.
So no more secrets, okay? No more secrets.
KEVIN: I'm glad you decided to come.
I'm just here for the snacks.
- Drinking gives me a salt tooth.
- Got it.
I mean, of all the AA meetings in all the towns in all the world.
- You gonna really sit next to me? - No, I'm sitting over there.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I sit? (SIGHS) The boy I like has a baby.
Damn.
I know.
Do you still like him? It's I don't know.
It's complicated.
You know, you seemed pretty complicated, too, when you showed up.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Now it's your turn.
I thought the one good thing about a new school would be that I didn't have to come out.
I could just be out.
But a girl I was sitting with at lunch asked me if I thought this football player was hot and I said yes.
I don't know why.
And it sucks, like, I used to want to talk to my mom about stuff, - but it's harder now.
- Yeah.
Well, sometimes, even when you don't say anything, they're still there, you know? I mean, even when they don't know what's going on, Randall and Beth are just there.
That's one thing that's really cool about this house.
(CHUCKLES) - Man, a baby! (LAUGHS) - Oh, God.
- Please.
- Oh, stepmom? (BOTH LAUGH) Hey.
Hey.
So you good? You were really freaking out today.
Randall, for real.
(SIGHS) Um It felt like my heart was gonna explode.
KATE: Do you think it was, like, a heart attack? Kevin told me.
Maybe it was just, like, puberty.
They say your body does a bunch of weird stuff.
Thanks for coming today.
Whatever.
I was bored.
I kissed Stewart Alberghini at the pool.
- (LAUGHS) - Stewart Alberghini? Would you ever like a girl who's bigger than you? - I'm gonna marry Cindy Crawford.
- (CHUCKLES) She's, like, 5'9" and way bigger than me.
Hey, do you know who Arsenio Hall is? Randall, you really need to stop spending all your time reading.
(LAUGHTER) So Stewart Alberghini.
Okay, guys, thank you.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) This is Miguel.
Hey, man, you busy? Uh, no, I'm-I Well, yeah, I'm-I'm just going through a-a mountain of paperwork here.
You doing okay? Yeah, I'm still employed, so Hey, look, I know we don't ever say any mushy things to each other, but I mean, if we did, th-this would definitely be one of those times.
Jack, are you are you trying to tell me that you love me? Is that what you're trying to do here? Because I got to tell you, man, - I'm a married man, so - No.
No, what I'm trying to tell you is if you ever need anything, big or small, and I, and I hear that you went to anyone other than me, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass.
Well, I love you, too, snookums, and I appreciate that.
You know what, I'm-I'm hanging up now.
No, wait, Jack, Jack.
Any time, man.
Hey, Kev, what are you doing? You should be in bed.
There's something we all need to do right now.
I think it's important.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I'm off to a good start, huh? What are you guys doing? KEVIN: I thought we could all watch The Arsenio Hall Show together.
Just tonight.
Come on.
RANDALL: Hey.
Did I miss Wilkins and Ramirez? Yeah, no, they left, like, ten minutes ago.
(SIGHS) How'd it go at the office? Oh J? Now I'm gonna go tell that handyman to put the door back on the hinges.
You have a lot of experience that I don't.
I know the value of what you bring to the table, but I can't have someone on my staff who openly disrespects me, my policies, and my friend.
You mean your chief of staff.
I'm sorry, Bernice, today will be your last day.
Okay.
I'll start getting résumés tomorrow.
She called us naive.
She right? Yes.
We are naive.
We're unhinged, right? That's what Bernice and all those old-school guys think.
If, at the end of your term, you've maybe made a couple good changes, and you spent most of your time just playing power games in city hall, is that what you want? We're not career politicians, Randall.
And this isn't some stepping stone to some bigger gig for us.
This is the gig.
We're gonna have to get a doorstop tomorrow.
Apparently having it off its hinges is a fire hazard.
Oh, well, in that case, we're done for.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, - let's talk about your proposal.
- Yeah? Okay.
So, um, Hannah comes in, and I'm gonna have the candles lit, a martini in hand, and "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters playing.
The Foo Fighters, really? Dude, the acoustic version? Come That is, like, the most romantic song on the planet.
I will take your word for it.
(LAUGHTER) Look at the dawn That's my posse right here.
Give 'em a couple of these.
(WHOOPING) (LAUGHTER) Honestly, I've been struggling quite a bit today.
I've been wanting to drink pretty badly.
So, uh, I've been using this technique that I learned.
They say you picture your your reasons not to drink and then you, um, you just sort of use them as a mantra.
Like, for me, I-I picture, um, I picture my nephew's room.
I picture, uh, his-his robot poster, panda lamp.
He's got this, um, this handmade mini football stadium, complete with a tiny Terry Bradshaw.
I wasn't sober when my nephew was born, but I have been sober every day since.
Speakeasy But sometimes I wonder why.
Speakeasy I'm not really doing anything with my life where I need to stay sober.
I just thought, at this point, my life would have a little more purpose.
I just broke up with this really wonderful woman.
I just turned down this really wonderful movie.
Was that a mistake? I don't know.
I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.
You know, hopefully, with age, just comes a little more, uh, gravitas, right? But it's not up to us.
I mean, it could be, you know (SIGHS) "Welcome to Jowl City" at 50, right? And then what? I'm-I'm the guy in the AARP ads that's, like, uh, just thrilled to death that he can still wipe his own ass.
- (CASSIDY LAUGHING) - I mean, if that's why I'm staying sober, I I'm sorry, it's just this is really stupid.
(NICKY LAUGHING) I mean, right? (CASSIDY AND NICKY LAUGHING) DIANE: Excuse me, I need you two to calm yourselves.
If you can't be respectful, you three need to leave.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (LAUGHTER) Speakeasy, oh Speakeasy I'm not fast, either.
We're gonna look like the toughest gang - in this neighborhood.
- (LAUGHS)
(KISSES) - KATE: Mm.
I know you don't have a campaign manager.
- I want the gig.
- Happy to have you on board, Jae-won.
NICKY: I know you want to fix things.
Fix me.
But you and your family It's just too painful.
(WINDOW BREAKING, GLASS SHATTERING) (FINGERS TAPPING) - Hi, Nicky.
- It's nice to meet you.
I'm Dr.
Ruiz.
I've been working with the vets here for two years.
So, what's been going on with you? (FINGERS TAPPING) RUIZ: Therapy works better if you talk.
I hate this sad, little room.
How's that? (GEESE HONKING) NICKY: You know we're only 80 miles from Canada? I've never been.
I almost went once, with my brother.
But I didn't.
Why haven't you ever gone? I can't stand maple syrup.
(LAUGHS) There's things that happened there that you can't come back from.
You know, they they make you less human.
(CABINET DOORS CLOSE) - NICKY: Hey, Doc.
- Hi, Nicky.
So, listen, I was thinking Before we start today, I have some bad news.
I'm being transferred to a vet center in Arizona.
Our centers all over the country are understaffed.
(FADING): But you'll be working with Dr.
Patterson and I hear he is exceptional.
Nicky.
(WINDOW BREAKING, GLASS SHATTERING) (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) POLICE OFFICER: Watch your head.
You watch your head, Officer Krupke.
(LAUGHING) (POUNDING ON DOOR) I didn't need you to come.
Good morning.
Hey, Randall, slow down.
You're gonna choke.
It's the first day of junior high, I want to get there early.
Well, you're not gonna be early if you're in the ER with Count Chocula lodged in your throat.
Chew.
Why do fancy schools start earlier than normal ones? Because we have bigger brains to fill.
Okay, nerd.
Well, have fun while we're home all day.
Mom, do we have any cucumber slices? Why do you need cucumber slices? - I'm taking a me day.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay, so if I give you a cucumber and a knife, can I trust that you're not gonna cut yourself? I wouldn't count on it.
(LAUGHS) Mm-hmm.
Hey, Katie girl.
Whatcha reading? Do you think Cindy Crawford's pretty? She's no Kate Pearson.
(GASPS) Oh, my God, Kate, look, it's Suzanne Somers, It's the thigh master lady.
- She's in our home.
- REBECCA: Ha, ha.
Yeah.
REBECCA: Shelley lent me some new aerobics video that I'm gonna try out in a little bit.
JACK (EXHALES): Oh.
That's good.
Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay? I'm just, I'm in a mood.
You know? Mondays are hard.
I know that I've got, like, five days of the red tape factory ahead of me.
Mmm.
Well, I will be here waiting at the end of every one.
- Oh.
I like that.
- (RANDALL GROANS) Can you guys be gross later? Come on, Dad, seventh grade's calling.
- Seventh grade is calling.
- Seventh grade.
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
Have a great first day.
Thanks for the big hug.
But when I do, I'm a fool These times I've spent, I've realized I'm gonna shoot through and leave you The things you say Your purple prose just gives you away The things you say You're unbelievable Whoa, what Hi.
Hey.
- I'm Mr.
Lawrence.
- I know.
- I-I mean, cool.
I'm Randall.
- By telling me more about mine Nice to meet you, Randall.
I'm always so concerned - Please, have a seat.
- Yeah.
You've always go to stop to think of us All right, kids, let's open our books to chapter one.
BETH: Hey.
- What happened to Jae-won? - He fell a little behind at mile eight.
(GRUNTS) You say "mile eight" so casually.
You caught that, huh? Oh! The Clarke School of Dance grand opening flyers, - hot off the press.
- Yes.
Everybody, take a stack and give it to anyone who looks like they need a little rhythm in their life.
Hey, Tess? I know you're nervous, but, uh, it's gonna be great.
I know.
I'm good.
(CHUCKLES) Thanks, Mom.
Oh, you see my article in there? You mean "Councilman Pearson Unhinged?" Mm-hmm.
ANNIE: "Pearson takes his open door policy to a new level by removing his office door from its hinges to show that all are welcome for a sit-down.
Pearson spends every Monday listening to constituents" Is that the article? Yeah.
Hey, you think I come off as crazy? No way, man.
They called you bold.
They called me different.
- It says you're unhinged.
- Well, maybe I am.
- Boom.
- Boom! Oh, uh, sometime today, uh, I'd like to talk to you about my proposal, if you've got time.
I always got time for you, J-Dubs.
- All right.
- I got to hit the shower.
Girls, you have an amazing first day.
You are all radiant women and this town is lucky to have you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Love you guys.
- Love you, too.
- I was talking to my girls.
Sorry.
Reflex.
(SNIFFLES) Okay, so this is the brown velvet.
Do you like the soft fabric? We're gonna have Daddy put up these curtains this weekend.
So gurgle once if you like the velvet.
Can you do that? Can you do that? Oh, wait, I thought, I was gonna get to see you all dressed up in your new client-wooing suit.
What, and risk sweat stains before I even get to the office? I'm not a daredevil.
I know my body's limits.
But you'll get to see it today at lunch.
Thanks again for agreeing to come.
They really wanted to meet my wife.
- Of course.
Mwah.
- Mwah.
Okay, bye.
Can you say bye-bye? Bye.
Aww - Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
We haven't had a chance to introduce ourselves.
We just, um just moved in.
Could you please tell your husband to stop parking in the middle of the sidewalk? Yeah.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's just that we have this storage pod that we're unpacking, so his car doesn't fit, you know, - in the driveway.
- So park on the street before I start calling to have your car towed.
Okay.
Wow.
(QUIETLY): We are never going to let Audio poop in that man's yard.
PRITCHARD: Damn it.
Damn it! What's going on? - You know the Marlin property? - Mm-hmm.
- We laid the new foundation last week.
- Uh-huh.
20 minutes ago, Pritchard got a call from the city.
Someone on our end forgot to schedule the city water line inspection.
So now, we got to tear everything out, have the city come take a look and then start all over from scratch.
Whoever signed off on that permit is done for, no question.
Oh, God.
I hope it was Donovan.
I would love to see him go down.
You know, he microwaves fish sticks in the break room? Who does that? I signed off on the Marlin permit, Miguel.
- What? - That was me.
(JACK SIGHS) Sir, my uncle Nicky is extremely remorseful about throwing that chair through your window.
Isn't that right, Uncle Nicky? Yes.
See? It says here you have a hearing in veterans' court in two months.
Um, he's facing, uh, up to $250,000 in fines.
Or, uh, ten years in prison.
Sir, I mean (LAUGHS) the man threw a chair, right? It's not like he, uh, shredded a Banksy.
(QUIETLY): Right? Um, anyway, his-his court-appointed attorney, um, said that if he could show that he was committed to continuing treatment here at this facility, um, that his sentence could be reduced.
Perhaps even pardoned.
I can have Dr.
Patterson do an evaluation today, and we'll assess if Nicky poses a further threat.
If he doesn't, I'll allow him to continue his treatments here on a probationary basis.
SHAY: Batman, Robin, how was your run today? - Deadly.
- Invigorating.
Great job getting the article out there, Shay.
Clearly it got us buzz.
Buzz? They called you "unhinged".
What was that, Bernice? You have drinks with Councilmen Wilkins and Ramirez at 6:30 tonight to discuss Wilkins' housing initiative.
Don't let this stunt make you late.
I wouldn't miss it.
And it's not a stunt.
Hi.
Wow.
Good morning, everyone.
Uh, thanks for coming here to talk to us.
I'm looking forward to speaking with you all.
Uh, excuse me.
You want me to talk to Bernice about the attitude? Or find an aide with less attitude? I can deal with a little attitude.
Bernice has more experience than the rest of us combined.
We need somebody like her around.
Don't worry, my friend, she'll learn to adore me as much as you do.
All right, who's first? Hey, my man, hold up a sec.
Is this your first year here, too? Nope, my third.
And I read in your teacher bio that you just moved here from Chicago.
And you love the Bulls.
Well, me, too.
Mm.
Well, if it's your third year, then you should know the rules.
I got to write you a yellow slip for being out of dress code with those shoes.
Yeah, but they're Air Jordans.
Like Michael Jordan wears.
Yeah, but Michael Jordan doesn't have to abide by our dress code.
See, look, you want to be in a place like this, you got to look the part, okay.
That's why I rock a suit.
You know, like Arsenio Hall.
Sorry, man.
(HYPERVENTILATING) TOBY: There he is.
- And this is Jack.
- WOMAN: Oh, my God.
- He's just six months old.
- Oh, God, those eyelashes.
Right? MAN: That's pretty amazing.
We named him after his grandpa.
Oh, and here she is.
This is my wife Kate.
- Kate, please meet Debbie and Arjun.
- Hi, how are you? Toby was just showing us photos of your son.
He's ridiculously cute.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, thankfully, 'cause there's no return policy.
- (LAUGHTER) - No, there's not.
But we are not here to talk about him.
We are here to talk about database servers and all of your other IT needs.
So HOSTESS: Your table is ready, folks.
- Come with me.
- Great.
Thank you.
You look great.
Thanks.
So do you.
TOBY: Oh, actually, you know what.
Sorry.
I hate to be a pain, but it looks like we're right below a vent here, and a cool breeze can really ruin a hot lobster bisque.
They have an amazing lobster bisque.
Uh, do you think we could sit at a different table, like that one over there? Sorry, sir, those are reserved.
This is fine.
We don't eat bisque.
I was gonna have bisque.
I love bisque He's actually asking because I can't fit in the booth.
I should come with a label, right? "May contain uncomfortable moments".
I'm so sorry.
There's a table this way.
Thank you.
I love you.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR.]
Hey, boss, you, uh you got a sec? Pearson, yeah.
What's up? I was the one that signed off on the Marlin property.
I don't know how I missed that we didn't have the water line inspection.
Do you know how much your mistake is gonna cost? 20,000.
That's money straight out of my pocket.
I'm-I'm sorry.
Okay, I don't know how this happened.
I've never made a mistake like this before.
Yeah, but now you have.
It's colossal.
I'm sorry, Jack, you don't come back from this one.
(INSTRUCTOR SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) Walk it out, shake it down Hey, Bug.
(LAUGHS) Do you want to try this with me? - Sure.
- Really? Well, sashay on in here, little cutie.
I'll show you how it's done.
It's really easy.
All we're gonna do is just follow along.
And don't worry if you mess up.
Right? - Mm-hmm.
- See? See what she's doing? There you go.
Step, touch.
Oh.
- Now she's going back here.
- (PHONE RINGING) REBECCA: Hey, Kev, can you get that? This is interrupting my me time.
(SIGHS) Hello? Hey, hey, Kev, it's me.
Um, can you get Mom? What's wrong? I-I got in trouble, and Mom and Dad have to sign a yellow slip.
And I just feel like I can't breathe.
I'm really freaking out.
And do you think telling Mom you got in trouble - will make it better? - Well, I don't know what's happening.
I don't know what to do.
(SIGHS) Mom, it's Dylan.
I'm going to his house.
I'll meet you by the side door of your school.
Don't call back here.
(MACHINE WHINING) Come on.
(SIGHS) Blanket, panda, Bradshaw.
CHILD: That one's broken.
You have to use the one around the corner.
Hmm.
You know your way around this place, huh? You're a ghost to me Bird's-eye view of San Luis I come with my mom here.
She's seeing a therapist.
My dad said it's good for her.
Gotcha.
Want to play something? I'll crush Mario Kart.
Let's go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh - Ah, you bit it.
- Your turn.
- Yep.
Funyun? - Yeah.
- All right.
Time for me to shine.
I gave you a chance to drive.
You give me a chance to drive.
I can't do very well when you're backseat driving, chirping in my ear the whole time No, I-I'm putting on your rocket booster.
No, no, no! Oh, okay.
Well, that helped.
All right.
Yeah, but you can't block the screen, because I'm trying - Who are you? - Hey, Mom.
This is my friend, Kevin.
- Oh.
- Kevin Pearson.
You are not at all what I pictured when your son said his mom was a vet.
Well, you're not at all what I picture when my son says he has a friend.
For the record, a 40-year-old man hanging out with a nine-year-old boy is - it's creepy.
- Oh, definitely not 40.
Well, definitely nine.
Let's get your backpack on, bud.
- Come on.
- Okay.
How do I know you? Oh, you were on a television show.
Um Who's the Boss? Who's the Boss? I'm 39 years old, lady.
I was on a show called The Manny.
- You ever see that? - Uh and you're a vet.
No, no, my Oh, my uncle, right here, he's a vet.
You're the guy who threw a chair at me.
Well, don't flatter yourself, I wasn't throwing it at you.
Mom, can they come to the arcade with us? Absolutely not.
Come on, bud, let's go.
- Goodbye now.
- (SCOFFS) - So? - Hmm? - Well, how'd it go? - Oh.
He thinks I'm a delight.
Welcome back anytime.
You wouldn't be offended if I cross-checked that, would you? Hey, Doc, hi.
Uh, I was just wondering how that went with my uncle.
Yes, I'm gonna recommend that we allow him to resume receiving services.
Great.
But I don't want you to get your hopes up.
None of us can help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Excuse me.
Oh, come on.
Great.
Robot, giraffe diapers.
I mean, I busted a ball joint on my car - on one of those potholes.
- I got you.
I'll bring it to the school board.
Hey, Jae-won, can we make a note of that, please? - Yeah.
- BERNICE: Councilman Pearson's office.
Oh, one moment.
Councilman Martell's on the line.
Uh, please keep holding my calls till 6:00.
So, I first noticed it - (SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY) - (SOBBING) Have a great night, Miss Perez.
And that is how we govern in District 12.
You need to leave for your drinks.
I hear you, Bernice, and I'm one foot out the door.
J, you can prep me on the way? Yep.
And maybe we can talk about my proposal, if there's time? Oh, Batman would love nothing more, Robin.
Can I be someone other than Robin? I mean, he looks Asian, but he isn't Asian.
- Amadeus Cho, maybe.
- Sure, buddy.
You can be Amadeus Cho.
(SCOFFS) Councilman Pearson, can I have a word? No, we need to wrap him up by 6:00.
Well, I would have been here at 5:15, but the number two bus was late, so I had to walk 20 blocks to get here, just to complain to you about how the bus system is jacked.
- And it's only 5:59 by my watch.
- Sir, why don't you come into my office? Jae-won, please extend my apologies to the other councilmen.
Tell them I will be there soon.
Yeah, I know.
Yes! Those nerds loved us.
Huh? You should help me woo clients all the time.
We could star in, like, a TNT procedural, where we close IT deals.
We'd be cancelled after one season, but the fans would elevate us to cult status.
- Toby.
- Yeah? - Take your shirt off.
- Yeah, bossy.
- Yeah, I like that for your character.
- Toby.
Look, I've got, like, a half-day's worth of sweat under this bad boy.
Trust me, you do not want to see my matted chest rug.
Uh, holy crap.
Like, I knew that you lost weight, but I d I guess I just haven't seen you fully undressed.
I've just been so focused on Jack.
Yeah, I mean, I mean, you've had a lot going on.
So have you.
New-mom stress has me up ten pounds.
New-dad stress means that you have Popeye arms? That doesn't make any sense.
Okay, I-I've been going to the gym over the last few months.
On my lunch break, mostly.
Sometimes before or-or after work.
I've been doing CrossFit.
Why didn't you tell me? Because you were being this rock star mom, and I didn't want to make you feel bad for not having the energy to go to the gym, or stick to a diet right now, or Look, Kate, I had a heart attack at age 38.
And with Jack He his life is gonna be challenging enough, he doesn't need to have a dad who's gonna drop dead one day trying to teach him how to tie his shoes.
Oh, like his mom might.
I didn't say that.
(JACK CRYING) - Kate - I get it.
This just caught me a little off guard.
(JACK CONTINUES CRYING) MIGUEL: Jack? Jack, what happened? He fired me.
Yeah, I'm done.
Miguel Hey.
Hey.
Where you going? Miguel? PRITCHARD: Rivas, not now Jack has been with this company for almost 20 years.
He's a hard worker.
Has a great relationship with our crews, and he brings the best chili to the company cookouts.
- So if he goes, I go.
- Miguel, look, you don't have to I am your most successful upper-level account manager.
Five of the eight most lucrative deals we made last year, I brought those clients in.
So I want you to ask yourself, Pritchard, what's worth more: the $20,000 that we're gonna lose today, or the hundreds of thousands that you will lose when me, Jack, and all my cash-rich clients walk out of here.
'Cause I will do it.
I will walk out of here today, and I will not look back.
Whew! That was so fun, right, Bug? I would love to do another one of these tapes - with you sometime.
- Yeah, that would be awesome.
I'm gonna go get some water.
Do you want some? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
NEIGHBOR: What part of "tell your husband not to block the sidewalk" didn't you understand? Really? Not now.
Okay, dude? I just found out my husband has been sneaking off to get ripped, while I'm just here at home taking care of our son.
So really, I'm not in the mood for your stupid curb drama.
I'm sorry you're having a bad day.
I had a massive stroke two and a half years ago.
Almost punched my ticket.
I had to relearn how to do everything.
How to walk, talk, even how to chew and swallow.
I finally did it, though.
And a week later, I lost my job.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's awful Not done yet.
My only goal right now is to be able to walk just one pathetic mile.
So every morning, I walk around this block.
I'm not fast, but I do it.
Unless your husband blocks the sidewalk, and I can't get past.
If he does again tomorrow, I'm keying his car.
This hand still works fine.
This is me storming away! Don't blink, you'll miss it.
All right, little mamas chicken parm is in the oven, we have 30 minutes on the timer, catch me up on your days.
I want to know everything.
- (TEXT BUZZES) - My math teacher looks like Zendaya.
Wait, cute Spider-Man Zendaya - or HBO drugged-out Zendaya? - Wait, I'll be right back.
BETH: What about you, huh? How was your day? You make any friends you want to tell me about? Not really.
It was pretty average.
People, classes, you know.
Hey.
You got my text? (CHUCKLING): Yeah, I'm pretty good at using the phone.
(CHUCKLES) Listen, um You hear anything about me in school? No.
Like what? I mean, you running for student council - or something lame like that? - (CHUCKLING) No, no.
Not quite.
Um Thing is, I-I, I have a daughter.
She's six months old.
I knew you might hear about it at school, and I didn't want to tell you over text.
Her-her, her mom and I were together for a while, and (SIGHS) well, she got pregnant.
See, her-her parents wanted to put Janelle that's my girl, Janelle, um wanted to put her up for adoption, but me, me and my parents didn't want that, so so we got her.
- Oh, yeah - Hey, I did the session.
You want to go to jail? Is that what you want? Because that's what your future holds if you don't start taking this seriously.
Yeah, well, at least if I go to jail, you won't keep coming around to bust my balls.
Hey! What?! Did you know that I was sober for over a year? And then I came here and I met you, and then, guess what, I started drinking again.
- Did you know that? - I didn't ask you to come back.
Well, I did.
I'm your brother's son, all right? And I have come here twice now for you.
And if you're not gonna show me a little bit of gratitude, perhaps you can search deep down inside somewhere, and find, like, an ounce of understanding.
Damn, I need a meeting.
You know, this I'm going to a meeting, and you're coming with me, okay? And I don't give a damn if you wait in the car or not, but I'm not leaving you here, and I need a meeting, so let's go.
Get up.
Let's go.
Hey.
You okay? What'd you do? I was out of dress code.
That's what you're freaking out about? What, was your shirt not tucked deep enough - into your old man pants? - This is not funny! (SIGHS) Come on.
Let me see your slip.
(PANTING) You want Mom in a hurry or Mom before bed? Never mind.
- Wait, you can't do that! - It's fine.
I do this all the time.
This way Mom and Dad will never know you got in trouble.
Come on, man, just calm down.
It's gonna be okay.
Calm down.
(EXHALES) RANDALL: I don't know how they let the quarterback who won them the Super Bowl become a free agent.
You sure the Eagles roster is outside your purview? RANDALL: Mr.
Morris, I'm gonna take your experiences to the Transportation Committee.
- I really appreciate it, Councilman.
- I appreciate you, sir.
- Take care.
- 6:52.
Oh, my goodness, I know, Bernice.
I'm headed over there now.
Uh, excuse me.
Sir, that door's off the hinges on purpose.
I just got a call about putting it back.
Having the door off is a fire hazard.
Uh, excuse me, everyone, could you, could you give us the room? Please.
I think I've been pretty patient with all the eye rolls and the sighs and the attitude.
To be clear I am the councilman here.
Not you.
Then you need to start acting like it.
Excuse me? You're a politician, not a therapist.
You're new, naive, and you have no track record here.
You need to spend your time trying to get the 16 people you govern with on your side.
Not gabbing with every Joe Schmoe off the street.
But I shouldn't be telling you this.
Your chief of staff should.
And what are you saying? (SIGHS) You really want to serve these people, hmm? You need someone who understands how city council works.
And who's not pulling double duty as your best friend.
So what am I saying? Let me be clear: You need to fire Jae-won.
Our son soils an incredible amount - of clothing for a 14-pound being.
(CHUCKLES) - Yeah.
His main passion in life is making things inside his body suddenly appear outside of his body, so (QUIETLY): Yeah.
Hey, look, I'm, uh I'm sorry I kept all that CrossFit stuff from you.
I shouldn't have done that.
It's just hard.
You know, seeing you lose so much weight, and I'm doing the opposite.
And it took me by surprise.
Seeing you in all those new clothes today, it really shook me.
But that's my problem.
I'm so happy that you're getting healthy, and you look amazing.
(CHUCKLES) Seriously, you look like Vin Diesel's body double.
You know that The Pacifier's my guilty pleasure.
Yes.
All too well.
So no more secrets, okay? No more secrets.
KEVIN: I'm glad you decided to come.
I'm just here for the snacks.
- Drinking gives me a salt tooth.
- Got it.
I mean, of all the AA meetings in all the towns in all the world.
- You gonna really sit next to me? - No, I'm sitting over there.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Can I sit? (SIGHS) The boy I like has a baby.
Damn.
I know.
Do you still like him? It's I don't know.
It's complicated.
You know, you seemed pretty complicated, too, when you showed up.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Now it's your turn.
I thought the one good thing about a new school would be that I didn't have to come out.
I could just be out.
But a girl I was sitting with at lunch asked me if I thought this football player was hot and I said yes.
I don't know why.
And it sucks, like, I used to want to talk to my mom about stuff, - but it's harder now.
- Yeah.
Well, sometimes, even when you don't say anything, they're still there, you know? I mean, even when they don't know what's going on, Randall and Beth are just there.
That's one thing that's really cool about this house.
(CHUCKLES) - Man, a baby! (LAUGHS) - Oh, God.
- Please.
- Oh, stepmom? (BOTH LAUGH) Hey.
Hey.
So you good? You were really freaking out today.
Randall, for real.
(SIGHS) Um It felt like my heart was gonna explode.
KATE: Do you think it was, like, a heart attack? Kevin told me.
Maybe it was just, like, puberty.
They say your body does a bunch of weird stuff.
Thanks for coming today.
Whatever.
I was bored.
I kissed Stewart Alberghini at the pool.
- (LAUGHS) - Stewart Alberghini? Would you ever like a girl who's bigger than you? - I'm gonna marry Cindy Crawford.
- (CHUCKLES) She's, like, 5'9" and way bigger than me.
Hey, do you know who Arsenio Hall is? Randall, you really need to stop spending all your time reading.
(LAUGHTER) So Stewart Alberghini.
Okay, guys, thank you.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) This is Miguel.
Hey, man, you busy? Uh, no, I'm-I Well, yeah, I'm-I'm just going through a-a mountain of paperwork here.
You doing okay? Yeah, I'm still employed, so Hey, look, I know we don't ever say any mushy things to each other, but I mean, if we did, th-this would definitely be one of those times.
Jack, are you are you trying to tell me that you love me? Is that what you're trying to do here? Because I got to tell you, man, - I'm a married man, so - No.
No, what I'm trying to tell you is if you ever need anything, big or small, and I, and I hear that you went to anyone other than me, I'm gonna kick your sorry ass.
Well, I love you, too, snookums, and I appreciate that.
You know what, I'm-I'm hanging up now.
No, wait, Jack, Jack.
Any time, man.
Hey, Kev, what are you doing? You should be in bed.
There's something we all need to do right now.
I think it's important.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I'm off to a good start, huh? What are you guys doing? KEVIN: I thought we could all watch The Arsenio Hall Show together.
Just tonight.
Come on.
RANDALL: Hey.
Did I miss Wilkins and Ramirez? Yeah, no, they left, like, ten minutes ago.
(SIGHS) How'd it go at the office? Oh J? Now I'm gonna go tell that handyman to put the door back on the hinges.
You have a lot of experience that I don't.
I know the value of what you bring to the table, but I can't have someone on my staff who openly disrespects me, my policies, and my friend.
You mean your chief of staff.
I'm sorry, Bernice, today will be your last day.
Okay.
I'll start getting résumés tomorrow.
She called us naive.
She right? Yes.
We are naive.
We're unhinged, right? That's what Bernice and all those old-school guys think.
If, at the end of your term, you've maybe made a couple good changes, and you spent most of your time just playing power games in city hall, is that what you want? We're not career politicians, Randall.
And this isn't some stepping stone to some bigger gig for us.
This is the gig.
We're gonna have to get a doorstop tomorrow.
Apparently having it off its hinges is a fire hazard.
Oh, well, in that case, we're done for.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, - let's talk about your proposal.
- Yeah? Okay.
So, um, Hannah comes in, and I'm gonna have the candles lit, a martini in hand, and "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters playing.
The Foo Fighters, really? Dude, the acoustic version? Come That is, like, the most romantic song on the planet.
I will take your word for it.
(LAUGHTER) Look at the dawn That's my posse right here.
Give 'em a couple of these.
(WHOOPING) (LAUGHTER) Honestly, I've been struggling quite a bit today.
I've been wanting to drink pretty badly.
So, uh, I've been using this technique that I learned.
They say you picture your your reasons not to drink and then you, um, you just sort of use them as a mantra.
Like, for me, I-I picture, um, I picture my nephew's room.
I picture, uh, his-his robot poster, panda lamp.
He's got this, um, this handmade mini football stadium, complete with a tiny Terry Bradshaw.
I wasn't sober when my nephew was born, but I have been sober every day since.
Speakeasy But sometimes I wonder why.
Speakeasy I'm not really doing anything with my life where I need to stay sober.
I just thought, at this point, my life would have a little more purpose.
I just broke up with this really wonderful woman.
I just turned down this really wonderful movie.
Was that a mistake? I don't know.
I'm not getting any younger, that's for sure.
You know, hopefully, with age, just comes a little more, uh, gravitas, right? But it's not up to us.
I mean, it could be, you know (SIGHS) "Welcome to Jowl City" at 50, right? And then what? I'm-I'm the guy in the AARP ads that's, like, uh, just thrilled to death that he can still wipe his own ass.
- (CASSIDY LAUGHING) - I mean, if that's why I'm staying sober, I I'm sorry, it's just this is really stupid.
(NICKY LAUGHING) I mean, right? (CASSIDY AND NICKY LAUGHING) DIANE: Excuse me, I need you two to calm yourselves.
If you can't be respectful, you three need to leave.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES) (LAUGHTER) Speakeasy, oh Speakeasy I'm not fast, either.
We're gonna look like the toughest gang - in this neighborhood.
- (LAUGHS)